Ah, the Lone Ranger…..this was a franchise that I could never get into. Despite the fact that the comics tend to get good reviews, they always looked pretty bad to me. The movie didn’t really look any better as it mixes the things that I don’t like in films together. The fact that it’s a wild west film and that there are no likable characters (Yes, I can tell when there were no likable characters from the trailers!) were not signs of hope for me. The only viewable entertainment that was able to pull off the whole “Wild West” aspect was Trigon and the best parts of that show don’t even take place in that setting. (Ex: Final battle is in a garden…a Garden!!!!!)

Anyway, back to the movie. Before I reveal that Spoiler Alert the whole thing is actually a fairy tale told by an old man who hangs out at a museum, I need to mention that the Lone Ranger is fake in this film. The real main character is a little kid who buys peanuts for sale and then goes to the museum to check out the exhibits. Sooooooo…….the whole movie is a story that may or may not be real, but let’s ignore that and just enjoy the story for what it is. End Spoiler

The Lone Ranger starts off his “epic” film debut by throwing a poor girl’s toy out the window. It’s not the greatest start and was probably the tipping point of the film. It all went downhill from there as he ran after the crooks while a lot of happenstance took place. Believe it or not….but the cops had arrested a villain for a change, but they tied him up right over a gun and his hands are barely cuffed so he was able to put it in his coat. Now, we know that there are traitors everywhere because according to this movie, everyone is basically evil until proven innocent. The army is able to be bought off with silver. I can’t even….

Even if you consider the fact that the traitor put the gun there and set him up, how did they manage to put him right over it? That’s some serious coincidence and the traitor putting him on that seat is still a little iffy. If the cops weren’t so drunk on power and beer, they would have stopped him as he was opening the floorboard. Still, we mustn’t get distracted just yet! I’ve barely mentioned the plot within the plot. One thing leads to another and the Lone Ranger dies. Tonto saves him and they decide to have a blast and beat people up as they head off to their destiny and avenge the Lone Ranger’s bro.

It’s not much of a plot description, but I hadn’t the heart to keep on going. Just think of a really generic plot and you’ll have figured this movie out. Honestly, I’d compare it to the likes or Pirates of the Carrabean and Sucker Punch which is a really (really) sad thing. This is probably Disney’s worst film of all time and easily one of the worst films that I’ve seen. It made the mistake of having the three big Vs. Animal Violence, (Every other minute it felt like. Horses, Rabbits, and a lot of other animals die as the film goes on) Gross Violence, (One of the characters is a cannibal….yeah, Disney went there) and Excessive Violence. (Back to the cannibal and every other fighting scene. Nearly every fight would have a scene or two that is not necessary and just makes the whole scene a lot more violent and unwatchable. Seriously, the film has absolutely no replay value and I deeply hope that they don’t make a sequel)

It’s hard to think of the film without wincing. It’s like the film was mocking the very essence of my being as I sat there and winced through the 2+ hour film that was incinerating every piece of morale that films had. I can’t think of anything that it did right. The main character is pretty weak, generic, and unheroic. The girl that he likes was married to his brother and he basically starts flirting with her (Right in front of his bro btw) as soon as he sees her. I knew that he would be an unlikable character right at that moment.

Let’s not forget his partner, Tonto. Tonto is pretty annoying as well and he has quite a few moments that will make you grimace. The “steralized” arrow comes to mind and you may need a barf bag for this film. The film isn’t as gross as the humor in Pirates, but there are times when it comes very close. There is also a lot of jumping in this film as we go to the “future” and the “past” and then back to the “present” Quotations must be used because we must remember that this is not as it appears. (See, spoiler paragraph for details)

Writing about this film is easy since everything is a negative, but that’s also why it’s tough for me to stay on one topic for long. My review may seem a little scattered as I jump from one point to another, but there’s so much to cover that I just don’t want to miss anything. Needless to say, there isn’t anything redeemable about this film.

Need I go on? The characters are all bad, the film is excessively violent, this film is not suitable for…anyone since I highly do not recommend the film. If you want to see something even remotely cool or fun, go watch an episode of Blues Clues. At least you’ll likely learn something in the process. All that you can learn in this film is what not to do. Seriously, someone jumps off of a very fast train at least 10+ feet to another train and he lands on a bunch of Silver Rocks. Not only is the character okay, but he’s not hurt in the slightest. I usually would have taken a step back for something like that, but I expected no less from the film.

I’m not sure how much more I can really say. Just…do not watch it. Spare yourself and just watch anything else. Maybe take a stroll in your backyard and play with your Dog. You can also go check out the 1 star reviews for the film on various sites and you can have a good laugh. It’s something that I enjoy doing as well! I hope that I’ve reached you all in time before you got to see the film. Who knows, maybe some of you would like it….but don’t count on it! This is the worst film that I’ve seen since Sucker Punch and that’s saying something. Hollywood is truly going downhill. (I refer to any Live Action Film as a “Hollywood” product if it’s from America…just saiyan)

Overall 1/10