Category Archives: Live Action Movie Reviews

The Horror of It All Review

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It’s time for a really retro horror comedy. This is one of those films that is pretty fun as long as you enjoy the tone it’s going for. There’s nothing particularly unique about the film as it’s leaning into the gags that you’ve been seeing for over 50 years. Still, the execution is on point the whole time and the film’s also not very long. It ends up going pretty smoothly.

The movie starts with Jack showing up to the haunted mansion of his girlfriend Cynthia. They have only been dating for one month but he knows that she is the one for him. He wants to get her family’s consent to the marriage but he didn’t realize that her cousin had just died so everyone is in mourning. Additionally the whole family seems very eccentric to say the least so this won’t be as straight forward as he had been expecting. Is his life in danger over here?

Right away you can tell that Jack is the kind of guy who is a bit slow on the uptake. He sort of knows that his life is nearly over at several points but doesn’t really let it get to him. The guy is hopelessly in love with Cynthia and I can respect that at least. The guy is moving rather fast since they’ve only known each other for such a short amount of time but he just believes in true love. Jack also does get his witty comebacks in on occasion but make no mistake, he’s usually on the back foot.

The guy just doesn’t have much in the way of survival instincts. At one point a spider is in his bed and the guy takes a very long time to really notice it. Then you have the crazy guy in the basement named Muldoon and Jack gets real close to the door where he is nearly choked to death. At least in round 2 he was good at running away from the guy but he still got knocked out on several occasions. The house traps were too much for him.

I also give Jack some credit for resisting the attempts of Natalia to try and get him to cheat on Cynthia. Jack was not about to mess this up when he was so close to marriage. So the guy may have had his faults but he did good overall. I was less impressed with Cynthia who never really went out of her way to help Jack out until near the end. She really could have given him more of a heads up on what was going on here. At the very least once he showed up, she could have really had his back.

It felt like she would vanish for large chunks of the film and wasn’t as important as you’d expect. If anything I would argue that Muldoon may have had more of a role and he was just the crazy guy in the basement. The rest of the family all served their roles well as the crazy family all acting shady. We know that one of them is a murderer but who can it be? The doctor? The uncle? Natalia? There are quite a few suspects on this one but the film does a good job of never making it obvious. You should still be wondering what’s going on as the film ends.

We get a number of plot twists at the end of the film as well. In some cases you may say there were too many twists at once but the film was definitely trying to keep you on your toes. The writing is pretty solid overall and the pacing is on point, thanks in part to how short the film is. This is really a solid comfort film that you can watch at any point. Treat it like a Scooby Doo adventure where you’re trying to figure out who the main culprit is and that’ll add to the enjoyment. The film also has a really effective transition at the very end of the film that was handled more smoothly than most films could even dream of.

Now, murders aside I would have to say that the eccentric family weren’t al that bad. Often times the crazy family in these films would be downright antagonistic and petty but they really didn’t go down that route. They had some reasonable reservations about the impending marriage and it makes sense. They pointed out that Jack didn’t know anything about them and vice versa. Marriage is a pretty big decision and so usually you do wait at least 6 months minimum, if not a little longer than that. While Jack may have been disappointed, it seems like a W on their end.

Overall, This is one of those movies that you will either connect with or you won’t. It’s not particularly exciting but the humor worked well for me. It’s got a more subdued style in general but the laughs land well when they happen. Even Jack accidentally pushing his car through to the ocean below was pretty funny because it’s just such a massive unforced error. There was no reason he needed to do that, he just completey panicked and that set the stage for the rest of the events after this. The plot is very simple and so you can easily just turn your brain off while watching. This all probably sounds like backhanded complements all the way but there is always going to be room for a film like this. Watch it as a full blown comedy and you’re all set.

Overall 7/10

Kakurenbo: Hide & Seek Review

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This is one of those films that I had never heard of before. It’s not even all that old but I guess it just never fell into my algorithms. The film is essentially a high stakes match of hide and seek and since the movie is less than 30 minutes, a good chunk of it is essentially about the mystery surrounding the game. Why do any of these kids play such a dangerous game? You can essentially make some assumptions about what is going on but you shouldn’t expect the movie to actually spell this out for you.

The movie starts with the hide and seek game beginning. A bunch of kids run through a deserted city in order to play. There is a rumor that kids go missing here but these kids don’t believe in all of that. Except for Hikora who is trying to find his sister who disappeared during the last time this game was played. Now in theory more people should remember this so this is where the questions start to appear. Either way there are a bunch of murder machines trying to take them all out so the kids don’t have much time for thinking.

The kids are all completely doomed though. They can’t hope to fight off a powerful army of monsters like this and this isn’t the kind of action film where the kids have supernatural abilities or anything like that. They’re just doing their best to try and survive here which isn’t easy by any means. Hikora has a mission but the others are completely off guard. They scramble and do their best to buy time but it’s ultimately futile.

The very ending shows a pretty morbid look at what happens to the kids. Sure enough, this is not the kind of film that’s going to have anything even resembling a happy ending. The system is too powerful for the kids to break and while the film never gets violent, I can see the sheer darkness of the ending still being a bit much for some folks. There really isn’t any hope left for these kids.

It makes for an interesting short but honestly you’re just left wondering about the world building in general. Clearly this appears to be a trick created by the adults in order to power up the society. They are also able to have enough kids to keep this system running and yet none of them have any problems with this? I would have assumed it was a sacrifice that only has to be done every 100 years or something which could explain away a lot of the issues. However, the main plot already debunks this since his sister wasn’t much older than he was. So instead this might be once a year in which case it just raises more questions.

I guess one advantage of not delving into the plot for the writers is that they can basically just bluff their way through it. You aren’t given enough information to say that this is impossible so in that case you just have to buy what the writers are selling you. There isn’t a way to really debunk the whole thing and you just have to suspend some disbelief. You could also lean on more supernatural explanations like the kids are created out of thin air or pulled from other timelines. There are many ways to make this work if you absolutely need to.

The animation is pretty decent. I won’t say that it’s anything special but it works well enough. The movements are good and the town itself has a solid creepy vibe about it. There was a lot of attention put to each of the details. The soundtrack is much more on the forgettable side. It does the job but I couldn’t really recall a single track after finishing it up.

There are films where people say a sequel is not needed since the story was already very complete. Well, by that token there are films that need a sequel and this would be one of them. It’s time to be bold and show the world beyond these kids and show us what the government is doing. If this is some kind of endless purgatory then that can be explained as well but I think the premise just begs a ton of questions. Leaving them up to the imagination is fine as well but this could really work as more of a long form adventure. It could backfire of course but that’s a risk for anything.

Overall, The premise is interesting here with a horror themed game of hide and seek. It’s a little too short to do much with this concept though and it also doesn’t leave any real way to win the game. These kids are in enemy territory against foes that outnumber and outpower them. It all feels pretty rigged and I always like it when the heroes have some kind of a chance. If you give them no chance from the start then the adventure’s just not going to be as fun. It works as a weird kind of scary story but doesn’t have a lot of replay value. Check it out if you think this special sounds interesting but it could have really benefited from being less artsy and going for more of a strong plot.

Overall 6/10

The Exorcist: Believer Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the movie. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

The Exorcist is one of those film series that has never been able to turn out a decent product. It’s not surprising though because there’s just not much that you can even do with the genre. Each film is about a demon showing up and the humans are basically powerless against him. There is no real way to stop this guy without losing a lot of people in the process and this film is more of the same. It’s a rather gritty adventure without much of a happy ending for the characters to hang their hat on.

The film starts off by introducing us to Victor who lost his wife due to an earthquake but the baby was delivered safely. Years have passed and Victor has done his best to raise Angela. One day she heads off with her friend Katherine to dabble in the dark arts and naturally this does not go well. They go missing for 3 days and when they return, the girls appear to be acting strangely. It’s as if a demon has possessed them and now an exorcist will be needed. Can an exorcist handle this powerful demon?

In these films the random demons always tend to overpower the exorcists. At this point it’s almost a surprise that they haven’t all been run out of town. Victor is highly skeptical of all religions now as he has had a tough life. Still, he wants to try and save Angela and so this means accepting all of the help around him. You have people from several faiths coming together to try and help but will they be successful?

Now you need to keep in mind that there are two daughters who need saving here. This is important because the film is naturally paying more attention to Angela but the second family is dealing with the same situation with Katherine. This is where part of the film may lose you because we get this whole victory speech about hope and everything….which basically ignores half of the situation. You’ll be side eyeing the film as it ends because the whole thing just doesn’t make sense.

The movie was already losing steam well before then though. Now this is one title where I don’t blame the main characters being slow on the uptake because you’re not going to immediately jump to the conclusion that your kid has been possessed by a demon. It’s one of the few circumstances where I’m cool with the characters constantly looking puzzled and confused. Victor is doing his best to help Angela through normal means and just isn’t getting through to her. He was able to handle his composure a whole lot better than Katherine’s parents.

That said, there isn’t a lot that the film can do to keep you entertained throughout this saga. It’s not like the characters can fight the kids since they aren’t fully in control of themselves. Once they are strapped to the chairs, it is just a lot of long scenes of the characters all trying their tricks on the demon. For the most part they don’t tend to deal a whole lot of damage. The demon only needs one hit while they have to land hundreds through the chants. It makes for a rather underwhelming climax.

Additionally the film is determined to make the demon possession as grotesque as possible. The girls are always appearing with more wounds as a result of the possession which just continues to escalate. The whole process of removing the demons also involves using holy water and other materials that burns them even further. It’s not that the film is necessarily ultra violent in the way that a slasher would be but they show just enough violence to keep on reminding you that this won’t be an easy film.

The cast is kept fairly small throughout. You have Victor’s gym partner but the guy doesn’t actually do a whole lot. The parents of Katherine are around the whole time but there isn’t a whole lot that they can do. The cops are around for the basic search but basically vanish after that. Victor and the others are somehow able to have the kids transferred from the general hospital to their house for the exorcism so either they have a lot of sway or security was very lax.

This isn’t the kind of film where you’re going to be able to drill in too hard without bringing up some plot questions like that. Even so, more emphasis on the cops would have been good. The movie just doesn’t have much of a hook because there just isn’t much that any of the characters can do. It’s the kind of film where each character is really passive and it’s hard for me to even blame them for it. There is no mystery to uncover, no super exorcism technique to learn, etc. So the first half is really building up to Victor being fully convinced that a demon is involved and then we get the long climax of trying to save the kids.

Of course you do have some plot twists and guest stars showing up as well but this is the Exorcist. It’s not like there are any big guest stars that are actually going to make things super exciting. The film still can’t resist having some gross moments like the demon spitting or just more violence like one old lady getting too close to the demon. Films like this just don’t leave the characters a lot of hope and don’t give the viewer any opportunities to be having a good time either. I’d much prefer having a more cheerful/action based film with the characters fighting against the demons.

If you are going to do a whole film with the demons showing up, then I think you need to give the main character some way to fight back. Victor is essentially sidelined for the entire climax so instead let him go to the demon realm to fight or something. Lean into the supernatural elements a little harder so this can lead into an action angle. That would have been a way more satisfying way to go. I get the feeling that the films want to stay a little more grounded than that but it will lead to the same ending for each of these titles.

Overall, This is another Exorcist film. If you’ve seen one then you’ve basically seen them all. It’s not a film that I would ever be particularly interested in checking out again. These films just have nothing going for them and run into the classic horror problem of the heroes not having any real options. There should at least be some cases where the random demon is quickly defeated when confronted by the Order. Otherwise it just feels like the power levels are way too skewed in favor of the demons. They basically laugh and mock the priests whenever they show up.

Overall 1/10

Quarantine Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the movie. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited movie would be more negative

Quarantine is one of those films that I remember hearing about all the time. It could never escape the shadow of the original Rec film and yet I almost feel like it paradoxically got bigger because of this. The first thing anybody will tell you is that it’s based off of Rec and yet Quarantine is mentioned more often. I dunno it’s an interesting tidbit but either way the film is no good. I could have told you that right from the start but after watching it, I can confirm that it gets a thumbs down all the way.

The movie starts with Angela filming a segment for the news channel that she works at. She will be tailing some firefighters for a day to see what their work is like. There is a lot of banter as they wait for something to happen and finally there is a call. Someone has started acting crazy in a residential building so the firefighters and police go in with the news crew. Unfortunately the situation is worse than expected. They are all locked inside the building with the tenants and they begin to realize that zombies are present. A single bite will spread the virus and with no way out, this will be a difficult situation to survive.

First off I have to say that these are some of the dumbest horror characters I’ve ever seen. Now it is already a tried and true staple that horror protagonists never make the right decisions but these guys take it to a whole new level. The zombie virus isn’t exactly subtle here. Characters will suddenly be bleeding and acting all shaky. They’re frothing at the mouth and the main characters are still wondering what is going on. It’s bad enough near the beginning of the film where the characters are slowly approaching an insane person but by the middle act of the film they should be retaining some survival instincts.

At one point near the end of the film they know with 99% certainty that one character is a zombie but one guy still reaches out telling her to grab his hand. All of the sequences felt extremely forced. They even call in the professionals at one point and these guys presumably have some idea of what’s going on. Yet, they walk real close to one of the zombies and end up paying the price. The kills are all far too violent to find funny but there is definitely something darkly humorous about how some of these characters die. The deaths were 100% completely avoidable which is what will really annoy you there.

Now like I said, the situation is still difficult. I’m not saying that this is a cake walk but there are better ways to handle this. Keep in mind that the zombies are not bullet proof. Additionally it does seem to be possible to put them down for good with enough force. The zombies never get up again once they’ve actually been taken down. They are fast but can’t think so one of the firefighters is able to beat around 6-8 of them by himself. Keep in mind that this is a small building so the amount of zombies will likely max out at around 20.

Taking the offensive would be a good idea or barricading yourself in a room and forcing them to approach one at a time. Ironically the only character to think of this is the local “jerk” that everyone gets mad at. He said from the start that gathering everyone together didn’t make sense and he was right. That just makes it harder to dodge when a zombie is around and no matter what kind of flu they originally thought this was, packing everyone together is not a good idea.

Now you may wonder why they don’t just leave the building and ignore the government. Well, this government is taking a rather strong approach so they are straight up shooting everyone that tries to leave. So yeah leaving is not really an option this time. You can still find ways to survive but there is no guarantee that you are ever leaving this place alive.

Usually in these films they try to find some kind of audio device for exposition or a bunch of notes. The movie does this but in a very half hearted way so I’m not sure why they bothered. Angela and the others find a lab room from the guy who caused this problem and he left an audio but it was basically silent with a bunch of mumbling. Not the most helpful tool around.

Speaking of helpful, it goes without saying but none of the characters were very helpful here at all. First up you have Angela who is completely out of her depth here. She yells a whole lot which keeps giving away their position to the zombies and spends the entire climax panicking. It was pretty obvious at one point that shooting the zombies was the right move but Angela is still acting shocked as if this was excessive force.

I was just not a big fan of hers by the end. She started out okay but all the screaming is just rough when you have lives at stake. Those yells put everyone in danger and there has to be a point where the adrenaline takes over and you stop panicking. Everyone else was able to get with the program and Angela’s a professional in a line of work that sees a lot of violence. I would have expected her to do better. Instead the cameraman has to really take the initiative and do all of the hard work.

Even by the end of the film it felt like the characters had a chance of surviving. There weren’t many zombies left at all but Angela freezes up and decides not to help so that just messes everyone over. I’m not blaming her for the entire mess, other characters made similar mistakes. The cop with the gun should not have been defeated so naturally he puts the gun down and approaches a zombie. The writers had to work extra hard to find ways for the humans to lose here.

What the film does well is to maintain a very tense atmosphere. The film is really intense and the scares work pretty well. It just can’t help but try to be as gritty as possible in the process. You have all of the usual biting and characters being eaten but then you also have a rat being squashed with rather gruesome detail. That did not add anything to the film and could have definitely been removed. The film wanted to show that animals were also running around with the virus but we definitely didn’t need that.

It’s not like the film would have been much better off even without the animal part but still it’s worth noting. Even better characters would not have been enough to get the film into the green. It’s just not a pleasant film and instead focuses on making everyone as miserable as possible. The concept of the plot is more interesting than the execution so other films like this would still have potential.

Overall, This film could have done well to tone down the violence a whole lot and to go with a more traditional camera style. Stuffing everyone inside of a building with a horror threat is a great concept but then you have to let the writing and atmosphere tell the story from there. I’d also be interested in more of a large scale story about what the government are doing but I suppose by then it is basically just Resident Evil. If you want a zombie story I’d actually sooner recommend that one and that’s saying something.

Overall 1/10

The Nanny Review

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It’s time for an old school horror title that throws in a good amount of misdirection with its twists and turns. Usually old school horror films tend to be pretty strong but ultimately I can’t say that this one was a winner. The slow burn approach just doesn’t work without some kind of a big monster or threatening murderer at the ready. Instead most of the scares are really around the fact that the main character is just a kid and can’t really do a whole lot.

The story begins with Joey finally returning home after having been away from home at a sort of recovery institution for 2 years. Unfortunately the staff were not able to get through to him and even right up to the end he was very mean spirited and pulling pranks on people. His parents had hoped he would have improved but that was wishful thinking. If anything he had gotten worse as he is openly disrespectful to the Nanny. He treats her like a monster and for the most part she takes this in stride but there is a lot of tension in the air. Who is the real villain of this story?

So the first weakness of the movie is really just that it’s not terribly interesting. I like there to be some tension between the characters in a classic mystery as you have to read between the lines and understand the veiled threats. It just doesn’t work nearly as well when the main character is just a kid. There’s nothing that Joey can really do here and he has long since given up on trying to convince his parents. At least from the film’s context it sounds like he had tried in the past and it didn’t go so well so now he is content to just hint at things and generally pick on the Nanny.

In a way we probably should have seen some of the events before he went away to boarding school because it would make Joey a lot less annoying in the present. He makes one friend at least, the upstairs neighbor Bobbie. This at least gives him someone to talk to and some attempt at banter but of course he isn’t really able to keep up.

There’s also not a whole lot that Bobbie can do from her side because this is such a family affair. Joey often appears to be on the losing side of every interaction with the Nanny and again that’s to be expected since he’s a kid. The film would have absolutely been stronger if he had just been older.

As for the parents, they really don’t look very good at all. The mother is constantly depressed and so she’s not really able to understand what is going on here. She mostly mopes a lot and seems to be living in a different reality. She is shocked every single time Joey says something mean to the Nanny and you would expect that at some point she would at least be able to predict what was about to happen. She doesn’t even have to take Joey’s side but should at least know what is going on. She blames herself for the Nanny never having a proper personal life and as a result tries to have allegiance to her and Joey. That’s usually not going to work well, fence sitting just doesn’t work in this kind of situation.

For the father, he just wants Joey to grow up and be over but otherwise mostly stays out of the situation. He’s written out fairly early as he has to go on a work trip. While that might sound reasonable in most cases, the timing was really bad with how the home situation was. I know he may have lost his job if he stayed home, but that would have been the safer decision.

Then we have the aunt Pen who is a bit more of a fighter. Unfortunately she also has a drinking problem which never turns out well for these characters. She also had a rough start during her first conversation with the family and never really recovered from that. It was nice to have another character at the ready but ultimately she was completely out of her depth.

Finally there is the Nanny. Now the character looks rather suspicious from the start but that’s intentional since you are supposed to choose if you think she is the problem or the kid. Either way she will have the upper hand in all interactions as a grown up. I can’t say that she was a very interesting character though and the backstory wasn’t enough to really move me in the present. The film is really based around the intrigue of the Nanny and so it was always going to be on the back foot there.

The actual flashback of what happened before Joey went away is actually sad so the film was able to land that scene. I do think there would be a lot of questions after such an event and you would have switched the Nanny after that regardless but not everyone’s going to come to the same conclusion. Ultimately this just isn’t a very happy film even if the characters are consistently getting themselves into bad situations. At the end of the day for a film you want to be having a good time and this one felt like it was more on the mean side. There are no real moments for levity or for the characters just having fun. It may not be gruesome in the way a modern horror title would be, but that isn’t enough to take this movie into the green.

Overall, The Nanny is one of those films that just isn’t able to successfully be a high octane thriller. It’s always going to be really hard to do this when one of the main characters is a kid. That just limits the amount of interesting situations you can put the characters in. Additionally the script won’t be as solid as usual since kids are more limited in the words that they know. Unless you think the situation of a nanny possibly being evil is really compelling, I would definitely say to dodge this one.

Overall 4/10

Ghost Ship Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for an old horror film and I’m afraid this one was not any good. It can feel weird calling a 2002 film old but that’s just where we’re at by this point. Ghost Ship is one of those titles that relies on jump scares and a ton of over the top violence without much of a story to back it up. You’ll be shaking your head at the film right from the start and not even the rock music can save this one.

The movie starts with a bunch of characters enjoying a party aboard a giant boat when everyone is murdered after someone cuts one of the ropes aboard the ship. The only survivor is a little girl. Many years later we cut to a group of salvagers. They find old boats and put them back together for profit. A guy shows up and tells them about this giant boat he found, and it is the one from the opening scene. Sean and his crew decide to head out and find this boat because it will be an absolutely massive payday for them. Salvaging is a tough job since you are all by yourself out at sea but they are confident that they can handle this. Unfortunately, the boat may be more than it seems.

So you’ve got the general setup there and being all alone at sea with a ghost ship definitely has a solid setup as far as the atmosphere goes. There just aren’t many positive elements in the film to really set your hat on. The violence for example was crazy right from the opening scene. After that the characters all tend to go down in really painful ways and then we had an extended cut at the end about how everyone on the ship was gunned down. Right from the start you get to see that this film is going to be super intense in all of the wrong ways.

Occasionally you’d have a decent fake jump scare like when two members of the crew decide to scare Maureen for no reason. I mean it made those guys look pretty bad but I guess nothing really scared them. To be able to lock yourself in an empty room and seal yourself in a meat wrap just to scare someone is a crazy high level of bravery. Too bad it couldn’t have been used for something a little more productive right? Maureen had already gotten a number of real jump scares by this point so I guess the ghost was being really selective.

The film makes the bold choice of having a ghost leader as opposed to this just being a bunch of general spirits running around. I’d say that actually worked well though. I’ll give the film credit for having a real villain even if it felt like he was jobbing the entire time. This guy has telekinesis and a fairly strong amount of regeneration. Beyond that he mostly has human specs and ends up losing virtually every fight that he’s in. The guy has to rely on his tenacity to get the final victories in the end.

So things tend to go his way but he’s not going to be one of the more impressive villains that you see. I thought he was decent enough though and does end up being fairly memorable. He also allowed the film to have a quick fight scene at the end. On a logistic level I don’t see why he really needed the crew though. Seems to me that he would have had tons of options in order to secure his objective. The guy has super powers and regeneration, that leads to a whole lot of options. Then once he had the crew on board, he probably could have just strong armed them into helping instead of putting on an act where he couldn’t help but laugh at different times.

I’ll also say that the main crew were actually fairly smart here. In most of these films they all get extremely greedy and want to get every piece of money available. In this case once the main characters find the gold, they all decide to leave. They have enough money to live comfortably so why get greedy and take the ship too right? The reason their plan fails is due to circumstances outside of their control. They still outpace most main characters when it comes to decision making in a horror title. These salvagers are supposed to be professionals after all so that makes sense.

Now that doesn’t make them perfect by any means. One guy decides to cheat on his fiancé which leads to him falling for the most obvious trick possible. Generally the others at least had some good excuses as to how they were murdered but this guy had no such excuse. I would also blame the spirits for a lot of this. The film explains their plans in the movie and why they are picking on the main characters but there is one who wants to help. She goes about it in the most roundabout way possible though and talks very cryptically. We know that the main spirit will try silencing her so at that point it’s probably a good idea to just quickly blurt everything out.

I also thought the soundtrack was mainly good. The rock song during the boat massacre was a little weak as it felt like some kind of emo blend of rock but the more traditional rock songs sprinkles throughout the film were fairly solid. Unlike most horror titles I can at least say it had these things going for it. The film just can’t avoid the classic horror pitfalls at the same time. Even aside from the violence we also have the gross maggots scene. I think for some grossness can be interchanged with scariness which is why horror films tend to go for gross visuals as well but it doesn’t do the movie any favors.

As far as the final horror twist goes, I thought it was fairly effective. Horror films essentially have to have a twist ending. It’s the closest thing to a mandate that you will find in a movie. It may not have been enough to save the film but this one was at least trying. If it could just tone down the violence then the film would immediately be in a much better place.

Overall, Ghost Ship was not a good movie by any stretch of the imagination but it certainly took some better swings than most. The film at least had potential which is more than I can say for most. The characters were mostly smart throughout the movie and the soundtrack was good. I would still recommend watching something like Scooby Doo: Zombie Island over this one of course. In the end this is just a reminder on why you don’t want to sail into the middle of the ocean without telling anyone where you are going.

Overall 2/10

Dr. Terror’s House of Horrors Review

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Time for an anthology! Usually these as an absolute recipe for disaster but I’m always ready for one to prove me wrong. In theory you just need to have a writer with a solid vision for different stories. Usually all of the focus is put on just one story and then the others all suffer as a result. That’s exactly what you really want to avoid here. This one ended up being a lot better than most of the others that I’ve seen. It still couldn’t help but fall into some issues along the way though. Due to the structure of the stories and everything, this review will have a lot of spoilers. I usually avoid them but when the stories are this short, it’s hard to talk about them otherwise. So you have been forewarned.

The movie starts off with 5 guys all riding in a train along with a suspicious older man. The old guy says that he can read the future with his tarot cards. The 5 men are rather bored right now so they decide to entertain this idea. Each story is a cautionary tale about what they will be running into soon. Will this knowledge help them escape absolute despair?

The first story features a guy going back to the house that he sold a long time ago. His family had owned the place for many generations and so he was called in to do an inspection. The current owner aims to do a little redecorating and this seems like an easy enough request. Unfortunately things quickly start to get a little spooky as the last burial ground of a werewolf is discovered. It won’t be easy to destroy a werewolf if he has been resurrected but what is a guy to do?

Now keeping in mind that the film has to get through 5 stories in a fairly short duration, the movie has really quick pacing. This Werewolf story has to quickly show off two suspects and then move through the story right away. Each segment is like a Twilight Zone episode where you can expect a twist at some point. This one was pretty solid overall. It builds up the atmosphere well and a Werewolf is something that everyone can understand right away. I’ll also be rating how survivable each encounter is based on if they go to the location or if they choose to bypass it.

After all, the point of these tarot cards is so that the men can avoid their fates right? Well, this is probably one of the easier ones to avoid. The guy can decide not to go to the house. Now given when we know from the twist, the Werewolf may go to him but his advanced knowledge should help a whole lot. I give him a 60% chance of surviving if he doesn’t go to the house, 20% if he ends up going.

The second story feels like something more out of a Japanese horror story. A guy is enjoying his new house with his wife and daughter. Unfortunately it turns out that the vines are alive and are slowly seeking to spread their influence. They even murder the pet dog which was terrible and something that the film could have really cut out if you ask me. Sometimes you just don’t need those extra details and they just serve to get in the way of the story. This was one of those cases. Without that element, this would have been the best story because it really makes you think. How do you deal with vines like this?

I would argue that it’s probably the happiest of the 5 stories though. It ends in a rather light way if you ask me. Yes, the vines are smart and can work on putting out the flames but it definitely won’t be easy for them. It’ll take effort and the humans can use that time. It’s also just a very creative threat. If the guy doesn’t go to the house with his family, I give him 100% odds on surviving. If he does go, I still give him 90% odds because he knows what the threat is.

Then we have the third story which is the first one where the main guy was asking for trouble. Everyone told him to leave the voodoo stuff alone but he couldn’t help it and throws himself into the situation. A really dumb move if you ask me and the guy basically just does his best to mock all of the traditions until he’s beat up. The ending of that one makes me think he was still alive but they’ll probably finish him at some point. As long as he goes there and doesn’t stir up trouble then he has 100% odds in both scenarios.

It’s just a bit harder to feel bad about this guy because he was actually given fair warning. He was really testing everyone’s patience that time. I don’t know why his story got off so easy compared to the others. I guess you can just chalk it down to getting lucky I suppose.

Then we have a story where the main guy is completely to blame and is an actual villain. You have a pretentious art critic who really enjoys going out of his way to make fun of another artist. The artist finally gets back at him and the critic decides to take revenge by running the guy over and severing his hand. Well, the severed hand has a mind of its own and is now trying to choke the critic out. It is sort of a play on the classic question of what would you do if a slug was following you across the world.

In this case a hand is more dangerous. It may be slow but once it has a grip on you, that could be game over. The hand cannot be destroyed and will eventually teleport into your proximity. Personally I would say that the best way to deal with it, is to keep it in a cage within your eyesight so you can notice when it starts to get close. It’s not fullproof though and of course this will be stressful all the way. If the critic chooses not to injure the artist, then he has 100% odds of surviving. If he does this but knows that the hand is after him, maybe he has 20% odds? I think the hand would eventually get anyone, you have to sleep at some point.

Finally we couldn’t end this without a vampire story. One guy is told that his wife is a vampire who is terrorizing the village. In particular she keeps going after a local kid. So the guy makes the tough choice to murder his wife but it turns out that the doctor was in on it and so the guy will spend the rest of his days locked up or executed in short order. This one feels like an easy one to survive for the main guy. For starters, he could ditch the wife early on, or live somewhere else and play dumb. It doesn’t seem like she was going to end up targeting him but I guess we don’t know that for sure. If he goes there, it’s tougher because the vampires don’t evaporate after dying so he will be on the hook for a crime either way. I give him 70% odds on the first and 50% on the second.

What I didn’t get is why the guy didn’t just talk to his wife. He went straight to deciding that she had to die but maybe they could have found some better way together. As his wife, the vampire deserved some time to talk things out. It just feels weird that you would completely side with the doctor over even giving your wife some kind of a chance. Not the strongest marriage bond here, that’s for sure.

Then we get back to the present to wrap things up. The ending is pretty effective and the movie really did a good job of keeping things moving at a solid speed. The best story was ultimately the Werewolf one and the worst was the Voodoo one. None of them were all that bad though and part of what helps with this are the special effects. The film clearly didn’t have much of a budget to work with and so there isn’t a lot of blood here. The deaths in the film tend to not be very gruesome either and even the dog who died wasn’t as gruesome as it would have been in just about any other film. For that reason it doesn’t hurt the film nearly as much as it would have otherwise.

Overall, This is one of those rare horror titles to actually get a positive score. It’s the kind of title that actually has a good amount of replay value and some good twists within it. Each story was crafted well and this is the kind of horror title that I look forward to. You don’t need all the gruesome details, just a good premise and some solid scares within. This one works as a good template all the way and proves that even anthologies can be good.

Overall 6/10

The Lodger Review

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The Lodger is one of those films that tests each character’s ability to read the room. If there is a mass murderer on the loose and someone started acting really shady, would you be ready to make an accusation or keep waiting for more evidence? The way the film plays out, there is only one suspect throughout the movie so you have to decide if this guy is guilty or if it’s a massive red herring. There are a few ways it could play out even with how obvious it seems and in a way this helped the movie stay interesting.

The film starts off by explaining that there is a mysterious mass murderer on the loose. This guy has been exclusively targeting women in dark alleys when they are away from any other bystanders. Unfortunately the city has a lot of fog and nobody assumes that they will be the next victim so people keep going into dark alleys. The main character here is a lady named Kitty who has built a successful career for herself through dancing. One day her house gets a new tenant by the name of Slade. Slade is often going from house to house as his landowners tend to get tired of him for some reason.

The guy runs rather dangerous experiments all the time so actually I think we’ve stumbled on the reason for why he has to vacate so quickly. He is constantly starting fires and burning things. Slade also isn’t very sociable so it is easy for rumors to start about him. For example the mass murderer is said to have a small leather book and Slade has one too. Slade quickly burns it afterwards but that’s an odd coincidence. Then he shows up with blood stains one day but burns those too. Hmmmmm.

As the film goes on, Kitty believes that Slade may actually be the mass murderer but she goes back and forth on this a lot. For the most part you could say that she is hoping that Slade isn’t the culprit. She thinks he’s nice enough and is probably just an eccentric. The maid is the one who has to keep pointing out how many of these coincidences are adding up but is dismissed each time by Robert. Robert always has an answer for everything even if the answers don’t make a lot of sense.

Slade is set up to be the murderer with so many obvious moments that you have to wonder if this is all setting up a massive fakeout. Either way you’re rooting for the cop to figure it all out. John is doing his best to stay on the case and put an end to the murders but it’s definitely not easy. There are just so many places to hide in an area like this and the weather doesn’t help.

John was smart enough to not give away his theory in public though. I was glad that he dodged the question when the main characters were all quizzing him because that would have been a real bad idea. You don’t get to be a big shot detective if you’re known for spilling the beans on everything after all.

As for the main villain, well the film definitely shows him to be as petty as possible. He has a long speech basically trying to say that the women are asking for it and he’s one of those really lonely, jealous guys. The whole thing makes him look absolutely puny and of course that’s the point. He’s only brave enough to attack when it’s one on one in the cover at night and the detective notices that he only strikes from behind. He needs the element of surprise in addition to everything else. This is not the kind of villain where you will have any sympathy for him. You’re just rooting for him to be knocked out the whole time.

The writing is solid though and this makes for a good old school thriller. It’s one of those very basic thrillers like the Raven film that I recently reviewed. There aren’t a lot of twists and turns to be had here. The film isn’t trying to break any records or do anything crazy either. It’s just giving you a suspenseful adventure where you wait to see if the heroes will put the pieces together before dying to this guy. Usually the main heroine may make it but how high will the body count get in the meantime?

This film also has one of those very sudden endings that you tend to see from old films like this one. There isn’t much of an epilogue or any sequel bait for this one. This is a stand alone adventure with a classic beginning, middle, and ending. It works well enough but if I had any nitpicks, it would be that I’d have liked to see more of the police investigation. Lets see a bit more about what John is doing in the background. Maybe have him start to close in on the case before the very end with the footprints.

I’d also have someone challenge Robert a bit more since that guy is the whole reason why this case was so close. If someone had forced him to admit to the possibility of Slade being the killer, then that would have been a pretty decent subplot. At least it would give Robert more of a role in the film because as it stands he didn’t get to do much of anything. He mostly only existed to be a thorn in the side of the maid and to make Kitty second guess herself. None of them had much in the way of survival instincts but at least they had some kind of instincts. Robert had none of that.

Overall, The Lodger is an interesting film. If you were not big on letting a stranger stay at your place, watching a film like this certainly wouldn’t help you get over that fear. Personally I’ve never been big on having roommates in general. Even aside from the danger, I just like having everything set up my way with as much freedom as possible. Having someone else staying over will always change that dynamic. Of course these characters should have done something once there was smoke going through the house but they took a very cautious approach all the way.

Overall 7/10

The Raven (1935) Review

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It’s time for another film titled The Raven. This one isn’t actually based on the Poe story though and focuses more on a character who is a fan of it. It’s an interesting approach and the film ended up being pretty good so I guess this direction was a good idea. The characters tend to make a lot of dumb mistakes but the writing on the whole is still good so I didn’t really have any big issues with this one. It should keep you pretty engaged the whole time.

The movie starts with a lady named Jean being badly injured in an accident and all the best doctors in the world are unable to heal her. Their only chance is Dr. Richard who retired a long time ago. He is a bit eccentric and downright sinister but Jean must be healed and so Judge makes a strong appeal to him. He’s able to play on Richard’s big ego and so Richard agrees. He heals Jean with ease but in the process falls in love with her. Richard wants to steal her away from the fiancé, Jerry at any costs. So he grabs a convict named Edmond and intentionally messed up his face in a surgery. Now the guy will be forever indebted to Richard and will work as his personal executioner. Can Jerry find a way to stop this guy?

That said, Jerry is pretty oblivious the entire time. He has no idea what is going on and is one of those guys who is a little too confident. Jean tells Jerry that she believes Richard has fallen for her and Jerry just laughs it off. He feels like any reasonable guy should fall for her and he doesn’t feel threatened in the slightest. His confidence is so high that he even agrees to stay the night at Richard’s place along with Jean and Judge. He better hope that Richard isn’t a crazy antagonist.

It’s a very old school attitude, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t even mind Jerry’s overconfidence if he would at least take precautions. The #1 precaution in this situation is certainly going to be declining any invitations to the guy’s home. At the very least you should really be building some serious distance there instead of making this so easy for the villain. Jerry is also knocked out rather easily when it comes time to defend his girlfriend.

As for Jean, well I have to give her some blame here too. Her instincts aren’t completely dead as she recognizes Richard’s obsession with her but then maybe she should be putting some more distance? She is borderline flirting with him the entire time, letting him get really close without saying anything. He basically says that he gave Jerry a job in exchange for losing her and Jean barely reacts. She still wants him to come watch the play and everything. Just not a whole lot of smart decisions going on here at all.

The only one who knew the danger from the start was the Judge. He really tries to get Jean and Jerry to leave the mansion but they just don’t take him seriously. Also they are adults so it’s not like he can just force them to leave. That’s probably the worst part of this whole affair. Ultimately he is no match for Edmond and goes down quickly. Part of me likes to think that he should have just left on his own but that’s not the heroic thing to do here.

As for Richard, well I don’t usually enjoy villains who just have romance on the mind. Jean is his entire goal in this whole affair and that doesn’t make for a very compelling villain. Richard just needed to accept the fact that she was never going to pick him in the end. He most likely would have just ended up murdering her once this sunk in. The guy should have been content to know that he saved someone when the rest of the medical community could not and called it a day there. He would have been a reasonable character at that point.

Finally we have Edmond who is really not that smart. Well I’ve been saying that for quite a few characters but he might take the cake. The guy knows that Richard can’t be trusted which is why he had a gun but still trusts the guy to do an invasive facial surgery? There’s nothing Edmond can do when he’s unconscious and you probably shouldn’t trust someone with a knife unless you are completely sure of their character. The whole thing was just such a bad look for him and his character route goes in a very predictable manner. At least he did make Richard sweat it out when he thought about finishing the guy off on one of the torture machines.

Now you may be thinking that this weak character roster would destroy the film but they were dumb in a fun way. The writing is still very sophisticated throughout. The dialogue is crisp all the way and the pacing is good. This feels like a very fun atmospheric horror film that gets the tension just right. It’s a horror style that you don’t see quite as much nowadays and I definitely miss it. I could watch these old horror titles all the time. They’re just really charming all the way with everyone being a little over the top.

Overall, this film may not be all that scary when you watch it nowadays but you can still feel the intent all the way. There was a lot of care put into the film and I had fun with it. The story is fairly straightforward so it all comes down to the execution and I didn’t think that the film had any big missteps there. What you see is what you get in a lot of ways as there aren’t really any twists and turns in the film. It showed that the writer had a lot of confidence in the story and as a result this one beats the average horror title. I’d definitely recommend checking it out.

Overall 7/10

The Blob (1988) Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a fairly iconic horror film. I think it’s reasonable to say that just about everyone has at least heard of the Blob even if they haven’t seen the film yet. I saw the original version a while back and it definitely clobbers this remake. The remake just doesn’t manage to match it in any individual area. It is having a little too much fun with the gruesome visual effects instead of letting the threat of the Blob speak for itself.

The movie starts with a meteor striking the planet. An old man finds a slime within it and is quickly taken over. Paul and his girlfriend Meg find the old guy and take him to a hospital but it’s too late. The blob melts straight through him and rapidly begins to expand. Meg goes to the local delinquent Brian for help. Brian doesn’t want anything to do with this. All his life he has been an outcast in the system and strikes back at everyone. Perhaps now he can finally do something heroic with his life though. He thinks long and hard about this before deciding to help out, but what can he do?

What makes the Blob dangerous is how it seems to absorb whatever you throw at it. It just keeps on growing and can also make some really fast movements in an instant. One second you think that you are safe and the next you are trapped within the cocoon. The Blob relies purely on instinct so while it is not a strategic mastermind, it’s still difficult to escape it. It makes for a fun villain even if it won’t stand out as much as other horror characters.

Like I said at the start though, the film spends too much time showing the slow melting effects of everyone who gets in its way. I would have preferred a much more delicate touch there. Just being absorbed is already scary enough so you don’t need to see the skin melting off or anything like that. This film isn’t generally a super violent one but those blob scenes can really hit you hard.

The humans aren’t super likable here but I suppose they could be worse. Paul seemed like a nice guy and unfortunately he just didn’t know enough about the Blob to last longer. Likewise Meg is also doing her best to do the right thing and try to spread the word about the creature. Brian has a rough start but ultimately does his best to help the town when it counts. It’s a good message about how everyone will unite to fight a common threat. He certainly helps more than the rest of the town who are mainly panicking.

As soon as the threat was over then you had people quickly taking charge again and talking confidently when they had been hiding just a minute ago. Sounds about right if you ask me. The biggest threat here in some respects were the government agents who show up. They are really just here to consider how the Blob could be used as a weapon and in a way it’s almost funny how nonchalant they are about this. They are quick to betray their own and escalate the situation.

I always appreciate having a third faction so I was glad to have them here. Honestly it’s not like I was fully expecting them to be helping out or anything like that. They were shady from the start and the local cop gets some props for being quick on the uptake about fighting them.

In general the characters were all pretty proactive. The sheriff did his best to try and find out what was happening and Brian using the cannon against the agents was another good move. If I have any nitpicks here, it’s that the government was a little too unprepared against the Blob. I know that he’s an anomaly that is fairly unknown to everyone but maybe don’t stand super close to it? As a trained agent I’d expect each member to be keeping a safe distance at all times.

The film actually has a big of a cliffhanger ending which was nice to see. It may not be the most explosive one out there but I thought it was interesting. In theory it’s not too scary at this point since the characters know how to fight the Blob but there is still a lot of potential there. With the right mutation, the Blob could be really scary once more.

In a way I guess a weakness to the film would be that it focused a bit too much on Meg and Brian. I’d have liked to see a bit more of the town’s struggle against the Blob. Due to the way the story turned out there wouldn’t have been too many opportunities for this but even just a few would go a long way. In the sewers there just weren’t as many opportunities to present this as more of an invasion film.

Also the scenario was a bit too tough on Meg so some plot armor had to show up. At one point she jumps in the water to try and save the kid but it was too late so she has to just swim away. It doesn’t make sense that the Blob wouldn’t have absorbed her there. Before now he was shown to absorb people in an instant with tremendous speed but somehow lost sight of her in the water. In a thriller there will always be some scenes to nitpick but this was a fairly big one since it was a very plot important scene. They could have made the Blob weak to water or something but the film established the opposite.

Overall, This isn’t exactly a film that I would watch for a second time but it wasn’t as bad as you would expect a horror remake to be. It did succeed in being a fairly intense film and one that can really be called scary. I’d have liked them to have dialed back the gruesome visuals to an extent though. There are so many ways to have characters being absorbed without being very violent about it. The characters weren’t so bad outside of oneshot characters and the movie avoided landing in any of the really big traps. It beats the average horror film which is a small consolation prize at the very least. If they ever make another Blob film, I’d like them to focus more on the town’s response as opposed to just a few characters. Maybe even have it from the government’s point of view because the secret task force that showed up was really interesting. They could have used more screentime.

Overall 4/10