Category Archives: Live Action Movies

Wuthering Heights Review

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It’s time for a really crazy romance. This is one of those titles that is just so out there that you can scarcely believe it. There aren’t really any characters to root for and so the romance is doomed from the start. A tragic romance is actually something that can work well in theory but this was definitely not the way to go about it. Based on how it all went down, I can’t really say that any of the remakes would sound all that promising either.

The film starts off with a guy getting stranded in a desolate area and so he stops by the nearest castle for shelter. He’s treated terribly by the master of the house, Heathcliff but this guy puts up with it because there is nowhere to go. He hears a girl crying out from beyond the fog which causes Heathcliff to run outside and the maid lets the guy know that it is the ghost of his dead lover. This guy has nothing better to do so it asks to hear the whole story.

The trope of the whole film being a flashback from the present is still a super annoying one imo but that’s how it has to be this time. So in the flashback we see how Heathcliff was adopted by a rich man but he died shortly thereafter and so the son Hindley was super resentful towards Heathcliff. He made Heathcliff essentially a slave of the family and ruled with an iron hand. Heathcliff fell in love with Hindley’s sister Catchy and so they would hang out in secret. Unfortunately this was not enough for Cathy. Cathy wanted to be rich and so she would cheat on Heathcliff with a rich man named Edgar.

She plays around with both of them for a while before finally marrying Edgar. In revenge, Heathcliff decided to get insanely rich and then married Cathy’s sister Isabella. He didn’t love her but sought to use Isabella as a bargaining chip against Cathy. This essentially works as Cathy wants Heathcliff again and this whole romantic rollercoaster goes all around with everyone allowing themselves to be humiliated and degraded in this way. Ultimately after a while we get back to the point in the present which tries its best to have some kind of a happy ending but you’ll just be shaking your head.

Now where to start on this one? The reason the romance doesn’t work of curse is because none of the relationships are actually true. Cathy lives up to her villainous potential for wanting Heathcliff for his body and Edgar for his money. She’s the kind of girl that people warn you about and you assume just doesn’t exist because that’s such an exaggerated person. Unfortunately Cathy never does anything to improve as a person and is content to be cheating even on her death bed. A truly terrible character all the way.

It does take two to tango though and that’s why I can’t let Heathcliff or Edgar off the hook here. Edgar really needed to have some self respect here. Cathy made it clear from the start that she also liked Heathcliff and even though she eventually married Edgar, that’s not a very good way to start off a relationship. Edgar needed to take a hard stance and at least move them away but to me he almost seemed a little intimidated by Heathcliff. This guy just let Heathcliff walk all over him the whole time.

As for Heathcliff, well it’s not like he was a morally upstanding character from the start. He was bullied and abused quite a lot growing up which ultimately led him to want to lash out and take complete revenge. Instead of being the better man he was the kind of guy who would go an eye for an eye. It can sure be tempting to go down that route of course but man did it make him absolutely unlikable. At least if he kept his age to Hindley and Cathy that would be one thing, but he was shown to have no morals when he went for Isabella instead as the ultimate form of revenge.

Yeah there was definitely no saving this guy. The characters sure make it easy though. This is going to sound like victim blaming but hey all these characters are adults and should know better. Hindley allows himself to get addicted to alcohol which makes it really easy for Heathcliff to forever torment the guy. It’s all just so easy when it really shouldn’t be. Hindley was in the power position just a few years back and then after the time skip he was all washed up.

Meanwhile Isabella knew that she was the runner up prize and still went with Heathcliff. He barely even pretended to love her. It was the most half hearted performance he could have given and yet she still went with him. Cmon now that’s just crazy. From there it only gets worse for Isabella but this was not a surprise attack by any means. It was all plain as day and she just allowed herself to be used, perhaps as a way to try and one up Cathy but it didn’t work.

The cast of characters isn’t even that large but it feels really expanded because of how long each character is on screen. They just drag out each of the minutes over and over as you can’t help but shake your head. There’s nothing particularly noteworthy about the writing and the pacing is only okay. The issues really begin to snowball into each other after a while because as a romance film the characters are one of the most important parts. When you don’t have any likable characters, ultimately that means you have virtually nothing to work with here. Certainly not a big soundtrack or exciting action scenes to take the pressure off.

Overall, I would definitely say to give this film a skip. I dare say that Twilight makes for a more believable romance and that is not going to crack anyone’s top 10 romances. The only consolation I can give this film is that the title’s a little funny. The spelling just makes me think of someone saying “Wut?” even though that’s not the intent. I just don’t see how anyone would really find this to be romantic. Obviously a taboo romance like Romeo and Juliet has its share of appeal but at least they really loved each other with no caveats. In this film it feels like everything has an asterisk. Does Heathcliff really love the heroine or does he just want to essentially own her and claim his revenge? Does Cathy love him truly or is she just punishing herself by getting a guy that she feels she deserves? It’s all twisted and certainly not in an entertaining way.

Overall 2/10

My Man Godfrey Review

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It’s time for another fun movie. This one definitely goes all out with the comedy and introduces a ton of crazy characters. It ends up being a really fun adventure and doesn’t overstay its welcome. That is usually the most dangerous pitfall for any comedy film but this one sidestepped it like a champ.

The movie starts with a bunch of rich folks doing a scavenger hunt. One of the items is to find a homeless person so Cornelia goes to a dump and finds one. She offers him $5 but he doesn’t like her approach and says no. Cornelia’s little sister Irene is really impressed and the homeless man, Godfrey decides to help her win. After winning the competition, Irene hires Godfrey as her family’s butler. Unfortunately her whole family is quite eccentric to say the least and so he is going to be in for a really difficult time. In particular, Cornelia wants revenge on Godfrey for causing her to lose the competition and to fall in the dirt. He will have to watch his back.

It’s already difficult enough to get a new job as well as to be working or a rich family, but one where a certain member wants to see you fired immediately? Yeah that’s going to be an incredibly difficult task. Fortunately Godfrey is very quick witted and right from the start he is able to hold his own in terms of banter. He also doesn’t let the other characters walk all over him.

Godfrey also takes a lot of pride in being a good butler and so he doesn’t allow Cornelia’s digs to get to him. I would say that a large part of what makes the film enjoyable is what a good main character Godfrey is. The whole thing would definitely not work without him, it just would not be the same. He gets to take on all of the characters and usually comes out on top. He manages to resist all of Irene’s advances which is good because a butler shouldn’t be mixing business and pleasure.

I really appreciated his subtlety and that was a credit to him throughout. By the end of the film you could argue that things were essentially out of his control, not to mention that he wasn’t in the same position so it wasn’t as much of a problem. Up til that point though, Godfrey did well in staying one step ahead. He was also able to foil one of Cornelia’s plans really well which may have really been the turning point in his journey. If he had not been able to stop her, well it would have been quite rough for him.

As for Cornelia, well she is the big villain here. She does well in constantly insulting Irene and generally making a nuisance of herself. It’s impressive just how dedicated she is. That being said, she does seem to actually fall for Godfrey later on which really weakens her as a villain. You aren’t allowed to just weaken like that. I would have preferred that she continued to double down to the end. Perhaps she would respect Godfrey as a worthy foe but not want to be his friend or anything like that. To me that was just going a tad bit too far.

Irene initially seems like she’s actually rather normal but as the film goes on you see that she is just as crazy as the rest. She gets incredibly possessive of Godfrey and basically wants him to marry her. She seems to not really be familiar with what the role of a master/protege is. Godfrey tries to put some distance between them but it’s difficult and Irene has to consistently put on a whole production to get his attention.

Those scenes tend to be pretty fun though like when Cornelia points out how fake this all is. Irene trades threats with her a lot but you get the feeling that this is a normal occurrence and nothing ever actually happens. That’s just how this family operates. Their mother is also rather eccentric as she takes care of Carlo as a protégé. The guy’s basically a free loader who is always eating and is allergic to the word “money”. He throws a fit every time and tends to panic a lot. Irene’s father doesn’t appreciate this and never wastes any time in insulting this guy. By the end of the film he even takes a decisive step to get rid of Carlo.

The father ends up being the only really normal person in the family. He essentially works as a piggy bank to the rest of the family until they eventually bleed him dry which forces him to revisit the dynamic. The film ultimately gives all of the characters a pretty happy ending though. This is an uplifting title after all and is certainly not meant to be a downer or anything like that.

It even goes so far as to allow Godfrey to essentially end the homeless problem in his neighborhood. Now that was a pretty impressive accomplishment and certainly not one that just anybody could have done. So how much you enjoy the film will likely depend on how funny you think it is. Fortunately for me I thought that just about all of the jokes landed. The movie was consistently funny from start to finish with a lot of fun characters.

Overall, The only character who gets a bit of a sad ending here is the guy who was used by Irene in a fake engagement to get Godfrey jealous. He probably should have known better but yeah that was still a rough situation for him. The others were all having a good time though and I definitely recommend this film if you’re looking for something light to watch. I dare say that the fast paced banter and marathon’s worth of insults are even ahead of their time here. The characters are speaking a mile a minute and the dialogue stays consistently good throughout.

Overall 7/10

Uncle Buck Review

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It’s time for a classic film about what happens when all of the normal babysitters are out of town. It’s time to call in the last resort and this will either be a complete success or a total mess. There is rarely any in between when it comes to that. The movie ends up being pretty fun and was better than I expected it would be. The title’s far from perfect but makes for an all around entertaining film.

The movie starts out by introducing us to Maizy, the oldest of 3 kids and the most rebellious. She always has a bad attitude and nothing ever makes her happy. It seems like she even takes pride in always having an awful time. Well, her parents have to head off due to a medical emergency so now Uncle Buck will be the head of the household. Unfortunately for Maizy, Buck knows how to handle troublemakers. Who will win in this clash of wills?

One of the strengths of the film is in how secure Uncle Buck is. He doesn’t let any of the many jokes and wisecracks get to him. Maizy tries her passive aggressive insults at him and he just laughs them off. They clash several times and he wins virtually all of the encounters. The only time Maizy scores a win, Buck doesn’t panic and just accepts the defeat. He was determined to do a good job of watching over the kids and he succeeded.

Buck has been out of a job for a while and tends to be a bit of slob but he didn’t let that stop him as the babysitter. While Buck may not know the best ways to handle things, he does his best and comes up with creative ways to make it all work. He also cooks actual meals for the kids rather than just ordering take-out or something. What I’m getting at here is that he put in a lot of real effort and that’s part of what makes him an endearing character.

By the end of the film he has to make a lot of difficult decisions and while Buck hesitates, he makes the right calls in the end. In particular he was good about chasing Bug away and keeping him from causing too much damage to Maizy. At the end of the day it is up to her to really make the problem go away though as Buck can’t be there 24/7. Unfortunately Maizy doesn’t have a lot of sense and is easily the worst character here.

She is basically willing to do anything in order to spite Buck which is a terrible approach. Her rebellious phase went really far with how she was using Bugs as a means to an end. She really knew that he wasn’t a good guy but just kept doing whatever she wanted even when it meant leaving her two younger siblings alone. She was completely irresponsible to the max. Definitely a character who was annoying the entire time.

There’s not much to say about Bug other than the fact that he’s basically just a creep. It was nice to see Buck interrogating him the whole time and really putting some fear into him. Bug needs to be fearful so he doesn’t keep on messing around. I like to think that Buck scared him straight here. Meanwhile Maizy’s two siblings don’t get as much of a role as you might expect. Initially I though that all 3 characters would get big roles but this was really Maizy’s film by the end of it.

Miles and Tia were quickly on board with Buck so I appreciated how they adapted to the situation. They are a bit too young to be true rebels and mostly just seemed to have been copying their older sister. I think they will be in a better situation now. In general the kids tend to have a bit of a potty mouth though and it’s where the film’s script tends to be at its weakest. The lines sometimes feel rather forced like it’s just there to be shocking without really adding to the story. There are some good jokes in here too though so you could say the film has its ups and downs in that area.

The film tries to squeeze in a romance plot as well as Buck and Chanice have been going through some issues. She wants to get married already while he continues to put up resistance. It feels like one of those forced issues and I’m more on her side here. Either you are going to commit or you aren’t but there’s no sense in dragging it out. She also gets messed with by Maizy so I can’t even get upset at her for going off the rails later on. The whole dancing scene was a rough look for Buck.

Generally speaking I’d say it’s okay to dance with anyone, however since it was obvious that the neighbor was trying to seduce him, Buck had to get out of there. There aren’t any good excuses for staying there and allowing her to play these games with him. Ideally things will go well for him and Chanice now but I don’t think the film really needed this plot. I felt like it was only there to give Maizy some ammo for her singular win. Otherwise she really would not have had anything on Buck.

Overall, Uncle Buck is a pretty good film. The first area where it succeeds is in being funny. That’s a super important factor for this kind of film and so it really needed to succeed there. Outside of that the pacing is good and Buck works well as the main character. Maizy’s just annoying enough where she almost starts to drag this down with her scenes but fortunately, they aren’t quite long enough to sabotage it. If you like comedy films that aren’t afraid to get rather crazy then I would recommend this film. By the end of the film you’ll see how Buck was a better parent than the actual couple who ran off.

Overall 7/10

The Cross and the Switchblade

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This is a film that I’ve certainly heard a lot about over the years even if I hadn’t gotten to watch the film until now. The true events were a really big deal after all so that only makes sense. The film definitely captures how dangerous the environment was in NYC back in the day. Certainly not the kind of place you’d want to be walking around without a plan. Without divine intervention, David would not have been making it out of there alive either.

The film starts off with David hearing about a group of thugs who had attacked someone in the park. He tries to see them in court but is blocked from visitation and forced to turn away. He doesn’t want to just leave without a fight like this though and so he looks around the city for opportunities to turn the troubled youth over a new leaf. He means to introduce them into Christianity so that they will finally have a true purpose beyond their empty lives. Fortunately, he meets a girl named Bo who is able to get him into the gang bases to meet with their leaders. David also runs into a small congregation whose pastor takes him in. Now Davis can focus on getting the word out.

Right away you can see how everything had to go perfectly for David to have even had a chance here. The gangs could have easily murdered him at any time and it’s not like there would be anyone who could have stopped them. The gangs may not have literally ruled the city but they certainly had a lot of momentum. It wasn’t a popular move to get in their way and David was being very aggressive with his approaches. David wasn’t here to be subtle and so he would challenge them to their face. His final goal was to get all of the gangs inside a room with him to convert them at once and really make sure there was no room for escape. In most cases this would have been fatal.

David had God’s blessing in this from the start and so everything turned out well. He was really able to touch their hearts and not only left with his life intact, but knowing that he redeemed many souls. So the film has a happy ending there and is a very uplifting story in general. The fact that this happened in real life is a true miracle, definitely not something that can be downplayed or explained rationally. God is the only answer to a difficult situation like this.

Now the film is aiming to be as realistic as possible and for that reason it can be rather gritty. We see how the teens are all just addicted to the violence. They all hold serious grudges against each other to the point where they are always bloodthirsty. They are even quick to turn against their own members for any perceived moments of cowardice. This leads one of their members to fall to his doom. Each person also has to watch their backs at all times because the other gangs seek to attack them from behind, get them into traps, etc.

Then you have a bunch of drug dealers taking advantage of the chaos as well. Rosa gets trapped into this and is the film’s main subplot. She has a really hard time kicking the addiction and just when it seems like she has gotten out, she is sucked right back in. It’s definitely one of those plots that is tough to watch because she really should have been safe after the first time but then allowed herself to fall back into the same cycle. She let the bad moment get to her which is why you need a particularly strong anchor to fight such urges. The kind of anchor you are absolutely not going to get from your own strength.

I was also glad that David had some allies here. The church pastor and his wife were both very helpful to David. It absolutely makes a world of difference to have a place to rest as opposed to sleeping inside the car the whole time. Additionally, Bo was also helpful in being able to lead David around so he wasn’t just wandering. He had a lot of help that God presented to him and then faith had to take the rest of the way.

As long as you’re wearing the armor of the Lord then you will be protected at all times. It can be difficult to resist fear in the moment but it was absolutely rewarded here. David really never took a step back. The pacing and writing for the film are both pretty good. There is going to be a bit of shock value here as the film did not want to tone down the way that the gang members would talk at all. So you’ll be on the edge of your seat here even when you know that a positive ending is coming up. I do think it would be nice to have a version for kids at some point so they can also experience the story. There have certainly been many plays and such that go through the plot but I don’t think there was another big movie.

Overall, The Cross and the Switchblade is a powerful film to watch about how miracles still happen. You need to really watch it if you just don’t have hope for the future. It’s not a film I would recommend for younger viewers due to the violence and dark themes though. So for now just watch it if you’re old enough to handle this kind of story. Sometimes it can be hard to logically process a miracle and that’s fine. I would even argue that it should be that way because they defy logic. So seeing a film like this can be helpful as you are able to really visualize the kind of atmosphere that David walked into and was able to walk out of in complete victory.

Will Penny Review

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It’s time for a wild west film and you know how those can always be very hit or miss. Unfortunately this is one of the misses. It doesn’t really hit on any of the strong notes that you need to reach to surpass the genre. The characters tend to make some bad decisions and while it’s hard to play a perfect round back in the wild west where there was no law and order, it did feel like some of these issues were very avoidable.

The movie starts by introducing us to Will who is a classic work hand. He goes from job to job and is good at what he does but there is a lot of competition and not a lot of jobs left. He had a chance to go on a trip with the crew but selflessly gives up his spot to another guy who wanted to visit his father. Will travels with Blue and Dutchy and they end up in a firefight with another group over an animal. Will’s team shoots down one of the attackers but the rest swear revenge. On Will’s side, one of his teammates is injured so he looks for help. In the meantime he also gets a job to protect a part of someone’s large territory but now a lady named Catherine and her son Horace are living there. Will feels bad about throwing them out but eventually the guy who owns this property is going to find out and then things will go very badly. How can Will get out of this situation.

First off, I have to say that Catherine doesn’t play this situation very smart at all. She is exceptionally lucky that Will is such a nice guy because many others would have just shot her on sight at minimum. The penalty for letting a stranger live on these premises could easily be death and people aren’t generally going to take that chance. Will even tries to give her a few days to leave but Catherine is insistent on not going anywhere. It just seems like a terrible strategy to go with when you’re not a fighter and there is no man on the premises.

Catherine’s first instinct is even to say that she’s all alone. Why would you give out that kind of information? Her son Horace means well too but he’s just a young kid and is not going to be doing much here. Catherine was ultimately ditched by her tour guide and her husband seems to have no intention of returning so just surviving will be difficult. It’s the wild west so even going into town isn’t a great option but you feel like she needs to do something and get away from the area. Taking your chances in town may be for the best.

Meanwhile Will does his best with looking after her but he is breaking all of the rules of a job that he just got. His sympathy may be a little too high here. It was also annoying to see him getting jumped so quickly. When you’re outnumbered, you need to fire as soon as possible. He gets a few of the villains at gunpoint but then hesitates and gets knocked out. There is no room for compassion here. It may be a hard thing to hear but, in a life or death situation it is you against the other guy. Whoever hesitates is absolutely not going to survive.

Will’s character is portrayed to be a really nice one throughout but this is the double edged blade of it. As for the romance in the film, he knows that Catherine is a married woman from the start so he is very wary about getting involved. That’s the right attitude. Her husband may not appear to be a good guy but until that is officially dissolved then there is nothing you can do. He can be a good friend to her but if she is trying to start a romance then he has to get out of there. Nothing good comes from living next to temptation.

It takes him a long while to get his mind wrapped around that but ultimately, he does and that helps the ending even if it’s portrayed in more of a somber way. Nobody here really gets a super happy ending because they’re all going to be struggling a lot. At least they are alive though which could have easily gone the other way. The film feels like two different movies though when it’s about Will and Catherine vs when he’s hanging out with his friends.

Blue and Dutchy are gone for so long that you almost forget they are in this film until they show up in the climax. It was good to see them, but man did they take their time. There was certainly no sense of urgency among them that’s for sure. They did come in clutch though because Will was not going to be able to fight off everyone in the climax otherwise. His new coworkers showed up after everything was all settled. I thought the film was about to give us one more fight but they were reasonable.

I suppose part of why the film fails here is because of how troubled the romance is. A lot of time is spent on Will and Catherine getting closer but you really can’t root for this at all because of her married status. For a while there you assume that maybe she was lying since she didn’t trust him. Would have been a smart deception to be honest but that’s not how it played out. So the scenes aren’t as charming as they would have been otherwise.

Then the villains tend to be annoying and get a whole lot of screentime. Naturally they want to marry Catherine as well, just without any say in the matter. They intend to work Will as a slave for a while before they eventually murder him and there’s not much he can do about it while at gunpoint. At least that’s how it played out but after a point I think you do just need to lunge for the gun. If you die then you die, but often times you’re going to be waiting for an opening that never arrives. You just have to hope that the sudden movement is enough to catch them off balance.

It’s also a western so the animals aren’t fully safe either. Nothing too explicit in this film to be sure but just a background element that’s never all that great. The first animal that died is even a part of the plot with how the first fight started. This is a very grounded western film. The kind that may be true to life but doesn’t translate into great television. Give me a more inspiring Western anyway. At best this one just serves as another reminder of why you would not have wanted to live in this era.

Overall, Will Penny is the kind of title that will end up being very memorable. The name itself is certainly unique and definitely works well. The film though, it’s your average western at best and I would actually say it’s below most of them. There isn’t a lot of ongoing action in the film. It goes for more of an emotional focus instead, except it does so with a poor situation. There aren’t many reasons to watch this one and it’s a bit grim for my liking. I’d say to skip it and roll the dice on a different western title.

Overall 3/10

The Beast With A Million Eyes Review

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The poster for this film is such clickbait that you almost have to double check if you’re looking at the right one. It is so different from anything within the actual movie. Unfortunately this creature feature is really lacking in screentime for the main villain and the main cast is definitely on the weaker side. There aren’t a whole lot of silver linings to this film and so it loses to the average title in its genre.

The film introduces us to Allan, his wife Carol, and their daughter Sandra. They live out in the middle of nowhere and Carol resents the whole thing. She spends most of her time yelling at Allan and Sandra as she has not been able to adjust to this lifestyle at all. They also have a neighbor who lives on the premises but it unable to talk and always seems a bit off. Allan insists that he is harmless but the guy spends his time looking at inappropriate magazines and secretly watching Allan’s daughter. Maybe he should think twice about this guy? For some reason, the animals in the area are starting to go crazy now too so that is another thing to keep an eye on.

Before we even touch the monster stuff, the main cast just isn’t all that good. First up we have Allan who is far too dismissive about the neighbor. We learn a twist about this near the end of the film which at least adds a little more of an excuse. It’s still not a great one though. Lets face it, this does not in any way make the neighbor safe. In fact, the twist about why he can’t talk just gives even more reason to why he might be unstable. While the family was toxic, Allan should have definitely told the others the whole story.

Then Carol is unlikable from the start. None of her complaints seem all that justified or deserved. We are starting this film in the middle of their lifestyle so perhaps some context would change this but as of now, it’s just a bad look for her. Her treating the daughter poorly is also terrible because she has nothing to do with this. So Carol comes off as a total bully here and the film doesn’t have enough time to really redeem her character.

I have the fewest issues with Sandra here. She’s really just trying to do her best and have a normal life out here. She could easily be complaining about how boring everything is since there is nothing to do but she takes the higher road. Sandra may not stand out as some kind of amazing character but at least she was avoiding making any big mistakes. She also gets far more of a role than her boyfriend who could be written out of the film and almost nothing would change.

As for the neighbor, well I feel bad for him with the injury but he’s definitely not remotely likable. He would definitely need to fix up his room and to stop being so obsessed with women to really have a chance here. Perhaps his injury is what started this in which case that just gets even more tragic but we simply don’t know. It’s all a mystery at this point.

Okay so what about the monster? Well, it’s not your average 11 foot creature trying to crush everyone. This being is a high intellect alien who can body swap. He gets a big speech near the end about his power and how the humans can’t stop him. Allan responds with his own speech about love and kindness. It’s definitely a bizarre climax. I’m not entirely opposed to ending things with a war but the creature probably gets less than a minute of actual screentime. It just doesn’t result in a particularly satisfying climax.

The creature is able to emit energy waves that cause animals to become violent. This results in the main character’s dog turning evil as well as a cow and a lot of birds. There is a bit of a body count here as a farmer friend dies but for the most part this is very isolated. It works against the film as well because I’m not here to see a bunch of animals dying. The birds are used as suicide bombers against a car and the dog unfortunately ends up getting axed. The film was never going to survive this kind of a plot.

Additionally, the alien just doesn’t seem to have a great plan here. Causing chaos with the animals may work as a distraction but he tried with too many small ones which allowed the main characters to form a plan and make a counter attack. Really the alien shouldn’t have lost so easily and perhaps should have hidden his hand better if he could be defeated so easily once the animals weren’t a problem. His powers aren’t the strongest either as he can only control humans when they are alone and not when they are in a group.

Apparently his weakness is the power of love which is not a great weakness for a villain. It means he will always be on the back foot here. So the film definitely has a ton of clickbait all the way through. If not for the poster, then maybe I could just call the monster as a plot twist which would excuse the lack of runtime but I can’t really do that here. The film is too much of a slowburn for such a short length and the characters are just not good enough to hold their own. Honestly the more I think about it, the more I realize that the film was completely outclassed from start to finish.

Overall, This is not a creature feature I would recommend. It barely even deserves to be called a creature feature. I know that the alien is the one orchestrating all of the events so sure it technically counts but in the most unsatisfying way possible. I would say to check out just about any other creature film instead and you’ll be getting more bang for your buck. Probably more of an action packed climax too.

Overall 3/10

The Man in the White Van

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I wasn’t really sure if I should do this one as a formal review or one of those titles without a score. It’s based on true events but with a lot of liberties taken and apparently merges a lot of different events into one. It felt a bit like a true crime adventure/re-enactment though so in the end I bypassed the score. That said, this is absolutely a film that would be pretty bottom of the barrel. It’s way too dark and the villain gets away with a whole lot. The whole time you are hoping he will go down but these films don’t always tend to have a happy ending.

The film switches between the present and the past as its method of ramping up the drama. We see that in every year for the last 4-5 years, a man in a white van has been going around murdering women. In the present story, he has his sights set on a girl named Annie and seems to show up wherever she is. The guy follows her around everywhere and unfortunately she has built up a long reputation of being someone who tells lies for attention. Nobody is taking this threat seriously, will she be able to defend herself?

Now the whole premise is built around nobody believing Annie which is part of the annoying part. I assume this is where things get dramatized for the movie because I can’t possibly imagine this being the case in real life. When you have a mysterious van following you to school, appearing on the property, etc. people should start to be taking notice right away. Her reputation isn’t even relevant by that point, there is a clear and present danger here.

At least Annie had a gun but then it gets confiscated because her parents think that she is going totally crazy. It doesn’t help that her older sister is not being even remotely helpful. She is wanting to go on adventures of her own without stopping to think about how that will affect Annie. Her younger brother is at least doing his best but is naturally too young to be all that helpful here. At least he did help Annie get the gun early on.

So what you end up with here is a film where it feels like every action is futile. There is really nothing that Annie can do to take the upper hand here. How could there be? She’s closer to being a kid than a full adult and has no real way of fighting back. She lives in more of a rural area so there isn’t anywhere to go and there are many times where she will be by herself or just with her best friend. It’s quite a long walk to school.

The film ramps up the tension by looming this dark fate over Annie the whole time but without a way to really fight back, it’s definitely not my kind of thriller. Cutting back to the older years to see all the victims getting murdered as well was really the cherry on top in terms of dooming the film. This feels like a slasher, just with a lower body count than usual. In general I don’t really think mass murderers need to be remembered and given films, just let them die out to history.

As a main character, Annie is basically the best character here by default. At least she’s trying to do something but it is a shame that she had been so used to lying on the regular. She is also still manipulated a little too easily like going to a party just because her friend wanted to go. Clearly the host hadn’t wanted Annie to be there which is why there was no invite so why go somewhere when you aren’t clearly wanted? Doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.

Generally speaking films based on true events are best for bio pics and tales of incredible heroism. Doing films that are more based on tragedies or villainous figures are rarely going to be on the same level. You could say that this film is really based on the positive outcome that things could have been a lot worse but it still feels hollow because of how we had a body count here that stretched across years. It works as a cautionary tale on why you always want to have your guard up but that’s the kind of moral you can do in many other ways.

The cast is also really small here so there isn’t much of a distraction from the white van plot. The only thing you could point to is the school plot where Annie crushes on one of the guys and her friend tries to play wingman. There isn’t really enough time to this plot for the whole thing to have a lot of development though so even as a distraction it’s definitely more of a mild one. I’d rather they not try and make a sequel out of this one.

Overall, This is what I’d call more of a mean spirited film. There aren’t many happy moments to be found here at all. Instead it is a slow descent for Annie as she is driven to the brink and the villain gets closer at all times. The ending is rather expected but still on the lame side. Definitely not satisfying in the least. You’re really hoping for more of a proper closure instead of what happened here. Now that may be limited based on how the events played out but that is a small consolation to the viewer. Just give us the fun ending where Annie whips out a gun and takes the main villain down. It felt like the setup was absolutely there with the gun getting a lot of emphasis before and then vanishing after that.

Much Ado about Nothing Review

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I’ve often considered Shakespeare to be the most overrated writer of all time and I’m afraid that this film did not change my mind on that. The writing style just doesn’t really work as the old time English get tiring rather quickly. All the witty banter is a little too forced with none of the conversations actually sounding natural. The movie can make for some ironic amusement but that’s about all that you’re getting out of this adventure which quickly overstays its welcome.

The film starts with Pedro, Benedick, Claudio, and John riding into a small town. They have arrived after glorious conquest and look forward to being treated like royalty. After all….that is precisely what they are. Claudio falls for a girl named Hero and they quickly get ready to be married. Benedick is mad about this because he thought that Claudio would be an eternal bachelor like himself. So the guys get together to set up Benedick with Beatrice who always mocks him. The two of them have been verbally sparring for a long while but perhaps this can turn into romance. What they don’t realize is that John aims to end these romances. He wants to cause a lot of chaos and is ruthless in his approach. Will he be able to so easily tear these alliances apart?

Of course the whole film’s premise is based on the fact that he can which shows just how weak these romances are. Lets start with Claudio and Hero here. Basically John shows “Hero” cheating on Claudio with someone else. Unfortunately Claudio could not tell that this wasn’t the real Hero. I think that’s pretty rough in itself since you should clearly know what your girlfriend looks like. If it was so dark that you could not see clearly at all, then you either rush to the door and ask for Hero or ask her the next day. Being completely tricked is certainly the worst out of all the options here.

Claudio naturally throws a big fuss about it but what’s worse is that he doesn’t give Hero a chance to talk at all. He just storms away and destroys her reputation which seemingly causes her to die. Then as an apology he prepares to marry a relative of hers. That’s already a rebound but it’s also a terrible apology in general. There was no saving Claudio at this point and honestly the whole thing isn’t a great look for Hero either. At that point if this is how Claudio is going to act, she should have just moved on. Not just giving up or being passive and seeing how the situation was going.

Beatrice had more of a real reaction as she wanted to murder Claudio and convinced Benedick to do it on her behalf. I appreciate that from a family standpoint but of course on a romance one it did end up hurting the ship. It showed after all that she was only with Benedick by this point so that she could manipulate him and the love itself felt very weak at best. I much preferred when they were just bantering with each other. To so easily be manipulated into liking each other by the supporting cast makes them all look like deeply unserious characters. It’s as if they were so pleased at the other being secretly in love that they were willing to overlook everything else.

John gets more credit here because as a villain he was actually fairly effective. It didn’t take long for him to infiltrate the ranks and really split everyone up. Ultimately once the heroes turned on him the guy didn’t put up much of a fight but he still kept them all on the back foot. Pedro was a decent commander but also someone who was easily fooled and got very emotional. In general I guess you could say all of the characters were driven too strongly by their emotions.

Like I mentioned before, the way they all talk gets old really quickly too. I get how it feels really dramatic and all but the old English takes forever to get through. You’re basically begging the characters to get to the point of their speech instead of taking forever. You also have the subplot with the guards who have no idea what is going on and their scenes really tend to drag. It goes from potentially being funny to you just rolling your eyes by the end because you know that it’s just not going to end.

The film could have really done well to be about 30 minutes shorter but that still wouldn’t have saved it. The movie doesn’t help itself with a super rough opening either as all the women in the village get ready to meet the men and look desperate in the moment. The fanservice was bad enough but do they really have to go so all out for these guys? Desperation is not really going to be a super attractive trait here and it’s another one of those old time dynamics that just doesn’t work. If you’re desperate for any guy to pick you, then there’s nothing really romantic about that. By the end of the film you are supposed to feel happy for the two couples and yet you can’t help but feel like they won’t really have a happy ever after.

Overall, This film absolutely needed some big time action. It needed the characters to get some real fight scenes and for the individual characters to also not be so weak. You’ll see various characters pinned to the wall and threatened while they can barely react in retaliation. None of them really have a whole lot of honor left by the end as they get thrown into every conflict. They also aren’t interesting enough to hold their own stories. I dare say this kind of film would only work as a parody because it feels like one for a while until you realize just how seriously the characters are taking themselves. A romance film without any understanding of what a true romance is will always be doomed to fail.

Overall 3/10

Moonraker Review

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Moonraker continues the James Bond marathon as we actually get some sci-fi elements this time around. Personally I would say it does continue with the classic Bond vibe despite this. To me this is a very familiar kind of adventure so you shouldn’t worry about the space stuff feeling a bit off. The climax is certainly explosive to be sure but it’s not even one of the longer Bond climaxes.

The film starts with Moonraker, a space station being taken by a mysterious foe and so James Bond is called in. James Bond is known as 007, the top British secret service operative in the entire world. He also has a license to kill as needed. Surely Bond should be the man for the job, but it turns out that M16 isn’t the only agency interested in what’s going on in space. The CIA send in an agent named Holly and this provides Bond with someone that he can finally show off for. Bond is usually one step behind the villains and get clowned on consistently, but tends to fare better with other agents. Can he keep his mind on the task at hand or will his endless weakness for women be his demise?

Bond is one of those guys that you don’t really want in your corner. Yes, I recognize that he ultimately gets the job done but it certainly tends to be at a high price. A lot of bodies will roll by the time he stops the villain here and that is true in this case as well. You can’t always blame him for every event but it would be easier to sympathize with Bond if he wasn’t constantly distracted. The “romance” with Holly definitely won’t be impressing you as each one is just manipulating the other. There isn’t really any passion or development here.

It did lead to the best scene in the film though where Bond walks through her room and calmly disables every trap possible. It was one of the only scenes in a minute where Bond actually looked like the top ranked professional that he is supposed to be. That was absolutely impressive. I just wish we could see more of that Bond. In terms of fighting ability, Bond is pretty good without the film portraying him as invincible or anything like that. For example he is usually not going to defeat someone like Jaws and has to just try and get out of the area.

On one hand that is a good look for Jaws but not so much for Bond. Surely his mastery of the martial arts and other deadly forms of combat should be enough to make up for a strength difference right? This may just be an issue with the films not being more modern but Bond always seems to fight like a normal guy. He is always willing to step into the fight though so I’ll give him that and he does have a lot of confidence. You can always count on him to deliver with a strong one liner as needed.

I don’t like the guy but at least he has the charisma to hold a film. Meanwhile the heroine Holly is more proactive than some of the others. She may fall to Bond’s charms like the rest but at least she can fight. It would be smarter for her to carry a gun so that she can properly defend herself but at least she has a knife. I always like when they add in a second agency to these films so having her be from the CIA was a good move. Bond got to have a little backup in that way.

It was also nice to see Jaws return as the big villain here. He is definitely a true threat with how powerful he is. I do think his character switch at the end was pushing things though. I would have liked to have kept him as fully evil, just unwilling to listen to Drax out of self survival. That would have made more sense and unfortunately I wouldn’t have added his new girlfriend either since that whole plotline was too rushed. It just didn’t really make a lot of sense and someone like Jaws isn’t going to change so drastically in such a short amount of time.

Drax is more of a forgettable main villain. He’s definitely not very smart though with how easily he allows Bond to draw a rift between him an Jaws. You’d think that Drax would have been able to see through the bait but I guess he’s just not socially aware of what’s going on. Other villains wouldn’t have gone down so easily. Drax isn’t a fighter at any rate so he won’t end up being all that memorable anyway.

The action and special effects are good as always. The Star Wars type energy climax may come out of nowhere but it does look good so I can say that in favor of the film. The soundtrack isn’t particularly noteworthy but as always I do like the classic Bond theme. No matter how many times it plays or gets remixed, I’ll always find it to be pretty impressive. If the film could just stay away from all the fanservice and rushes romances then this could actually be a good series. Unfortunately as it stands, the Bond films tend to all get absolutely crushed when you’re watching them.

The film also gets some props for being long but never feeling all too drawn out. The action is consistent and the different set pieces are all unique so it’s not like the film starts blending into itself either. The pacing is good and the writing is nice. I always like when Bond bumps into another M16 base and all of the big shots happen to be there. In a way it feels like magic with how quickly they set everything up but I’ll chalk it up to their intelligence gathering truly being first rate.

Overall, Moonraker is one of those films that I wouldn’t recommend but it’s not as if it is significantly worse than the average Bond film. On the contrary it holds up to the others just fine and the space climax really isn’t bad. It’s just a shame that this is known as the outer space Bond film and yet they don’t actually leave Earth for a good chunk of the runtime. If the film really wanted to be bold, it should have made the majority of it take place out there.

Overall 4/10

Seven Pounds Review

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It’s time for a film about someone who made a massive mistake and wants to find a way to stone. Films like that can always get tricky because some things are just tough to atone from. Ultimately the answer the lead comes up with is not the right one and so the film isn’t able to stick the landing, although I wouldn’t say it had been all that good even up to that point.

The film begins by spoiling the entire film with its opening scene so I’m going to ignore that in the summary. Definitely a bizarre way to open up the film, it reminded me of Tomrorrow Land. Anytime you do this narrative tactic, it’s a bad idea imo. Tim works for the IRS and he has to collect from a number of individuals. Unfortunately they are all down on their luck with rough circumstances and medical/personal issues. Tim wants to see if he can help them but it won’t be easy.

This is one of those sad farm films where it just keeps on upping the ante of how bad things are getting. One lady is in an abusive relationship that is continuing to escalate. Without some escape she will be dead before long. Another lady is slowly dying from a defective heart, etc. Tim is only one guy so there is only so much that he can do. Time is also not on his side since these problems need to be fixed really quickly or it’ll all be over.

As the film goes on we learn about Tim’s backstory and why he is so reluctant to talk about his past. It definitely makes for a tragic origin, particularly with how avoidable it was. So this has given him a bit of survivor’s guilt and so he wants to help an equal amount of people to how many died in the accident. It’s a noble goal but the issue is that he has completely devalued his life now as he feels like it doesn’t matter.

I wouldn’t say that the film handles this particularly well. Ultimately he needed some characters to try and stop him but for the most part the only one who could have talked him out of it ended up being an accomplice. In a sense I don’t need the film to be the moral police here, as long as the viewer knows that it’s wrong to throw away their life then I don’t fault the film too hard for not making the case against it. A scene or two showing that Tim came to the wrong conclusion would have been nice though.

So as the film builds to the ending, it doesn’t do the movie any favors. The film’s ending just isn’t satisfying. However, the film was already sinking by adding a big romance plot early on with Tim and Emily. You need to remember that Tim had a fiancée before tragedy struck so this is moving awfully fast. A rebound romance like this was never going to work. Moreover, it doesn’t really feel like equal circumstances here as he basically saved her from being homeless by waiving the IRS fee and she knows that death is imminent.

I don’t think either of them are in the right headspace for a romance here and so the whole thing goes way too quickly. Emily’s not a bad character, it seemed like she was trying to make the best of it in terms of dealing with her condition. I give her a little more leeway here and tend to blame Tim more. He should have kept things professional while trying to look after her. As for his final decision, well it’s rough but it’s why you always have to talk with people about death early on. So they can cope with it and not try to change things. Everyone dies, some sooner and some later but the more you try to fight it off, the worse the situation will get.

The film is about Tim being selfless but since a lot of that is out of guilt, it’s hard to give him full credit there. As for the rest of his donations, well those are shakier but you can make an argument for them at least. There are times when self sacrifice works out and it’s a tough line to always follow. I won’t say there are easy answers here but either way it just doesn’t make this film a fun watch.

It is very melodramatic and sad throughout the whole runtime. Mix that in with the sad ending and you’re just wondering when you are supposed to be having fun here. Contrary to popular opinion, films are around to have fun with. If you aren’t having fun during a film, then it has lost sight of the ultimate objective here. The characters who got happy endings still had to go through a whole lot so everything always came at a price. Tim had to test a blind salesperson at one point to make sure he was worthy of recovery and the way he tested him was quite extreme with a lot of verbal abuse. The salesman handled it really well though. It’s hard to even imagine how difficult it is to live without eyesight. From the 5 senses I’ve always thought that would be the toughest one to live without.

Overall, 7 Pounds is really trying to test the limits of self sacrifice. In a way this is an interesting way to go about it but the movie could have absolutely done this with a lighter tone. I’d say it should have dialed back the scale of tragedy here and just focused on the main one. Have Emily be the only character who needs help and then the film can spend a chunk of time having Tim give arguments for why a sacrifice is needed here. The argument just can’t be one out of guilt. From there you have a pretty interesting film. Perhaps it may seem dry to some but I believe it would be engaging and you don’t need all the extra trauma. The movie would be way more focused at the very least. Still, that’s not how it played out so I would say to avoid this movie. It’s just a little too exhausting with how unrelenting the film can be with everything going sour for the characters involved.

Overall 3/10