The Mist Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a rather intense thriller with a title that sounds like the Fog but the plot is very different. It’s a very interesting movie and I like the idea of being stuck inside a supermarket but the film ultimately trades the idea of a very atmospheric horror for a more graphic adventure

The movie starts with David and his son Billy heading to the supermarket to pick up some supplies. There had been a really bad thunderstorm after all so they want to be prepared. Unfortunately a heavy mist rolls in and before the characters can leave the store, a guy runs in claiming that there is some kind of monster outside. Any who walk into the mist shall vanish quicker than a wish. Everyone is rather skeptical of course including a lady who decides to run out and take her chances. It’s all very silent outside. David gets a glimpse of one of the monsters when he goes to the back room but of course most people didn’t see this. As the film goes on the characters start to get more and more desperate. Are the people in this supermarket actually more dangerous than the monsters outside?

I mean the answer should be no but at least with the monster you can count on a quick death in theory. Inside the supermarket everyone is slowly turning insane so it’s hard to say what you can expect. The main antagonist here is Carmody as she is someone who is completely delusional and tries to start a religious cult within the market. At first everyone knows that she is crazy but as the movie goes on the more weak willed members begin to believe her. It’s evident that people are losing their minds and fortunately David as well as a few other characters actually see this coming right from the jump.

Sometimes characters can be slow on the uptake for this kind of thing so I was glad that this wasn’t the case this time. They were actually ready and actively plan for this. It goes without saying that I lost respect for any and all characters who ended up siding with Carmody. It’s just so apparent that she is crazy that it’s disheartening to see these characters follow her so readily. Clearly their minds are highly susceptible to being taken over which doesn’t speak too well of them. Some things do go Carmody’s way of course but they’re all coincidental at best.

I enjoyed the first half of the film the most as the situation slowly starts to set in for the main characters. There is no easy way to escape their predicament and the supplies at the market will only last so long. Additionally the defenses at play here won’t last forever here either so simply staying put isn’t an option. No matter what you do there is going to be a huge risk. Personally I’m of the camp that says to try to get into a car and just drive away as fast as you can. I think that’s the best way to at least give yourself a chance to escape while the other methods just feel like you are delaying the inevitable which isn’t really what you are hoping for.

The atmosphere is tense and the characters all sound reasonable aside from Carmody. One of the big antagonists here is Brent and it’s not like he’s evil or anything. He just thinks that the whole story about there being a monster in the Mist is fake and he figures that David is messing with him. The two of them never really got along much before now so it’s not even that far fetched. My main issue with him was just that even if it’s not a monster within the mist, it could easily be some kind of chemical weapon or something equally destructive for your health. So walking out there isn’t the best idea if you don’t have a plan.

I liked his confidence and he is good at getting people together but ultimately he was on the wrong side in this one. If he had just been willing to work with the main characters then I dare say that the film would have gone a lot better for the main characters. It still would have been tough of course but the situation wouldn’t have deteriorated nearly as fast. Billy isn’t able to help a whole lot since he’s way too young for any of this but David does good. He comes up with a lot of plans and is quick on his feet.

He particularly did good in the back room when everyone is trying to act really macho with how they aren’t afraid of the monsters. When they all froze up, David didn’t. He kept on trying to save the poor kid and did his best throughout. He certainly loses his cool a bit during the movie but at least it’s always fairly well justified with how everything is going at the moment. He makes for a good main character here. In general the cast is fairly large. You’ve got quite a lot of people in this supermarket and they range from being reasonable people trying to help the main cast out of ones who join up with Carmody. You see where each character’s true loyalty lies in the end.

Where the second half falters for me is it starts to get really violent as the creatures start to shred everyone. Each wave of attacks from the enemies starts to get worse and worse as they really don’t hold back. People are nearly burned alive or just straight up eaten at times. One death is like something out of Alien. It’s not quite the chest bursters but it’s surprisingly similar. The movie goes quite far once we get to the violent phase and it never lets up. It may help to underscore just how dangerous a predicament everyone is in but at the expense of the slow burn it had been doing so well with.

I would have liked it if the film had stayed more like the first half. In a way I wouldn’t mind if we never even saw the creatures but of course that’s only one route. Way I see it you play the film out like this which is still a great approach in concept as the enemy waves keep coming and people have to choose between defense and escape. Or you go the alternate route where people choose if they want to leave or not but every time they enter the mist it gets really quiet so you as the viewer have to decide if they got out or not. It would be more like a Twilight Zone episode with that kind of suspense throughout. Two very valid approaches that I think could really work out for this one.

Also the ending was really bad. It’s one of the least satisfying endings I’ve seen in a while and I would completely change it. The ending is an absolutely key part of the movie so when that doesn’t live up to expectations then things get really tricky. I also disagreed with the main character’s decision there. It’s a drastic move that you would only even think about taking at the last possible moment. Not when you think something is going to happen but when it’s actually starting to happen. It’s a key difference there and the ending certainly has a lot of shock value at the ready but I didn’t like it. Kind of ends the film with a whimper.

Overall, I like the concept of the Mist. Having a big survival film where the heroes have to try and survive without turning on themselves can be a lot of fun. I’d like for the humans not to crack at least once in these things though. You could absolutely still have a lot of issues and problems come up without having the humans turn on each other. It seems unlikely that a film will end up going this route but I do think there is a whole lot of potential there. Either way the film just decided to let loose a bit too much and went for the gritty route as opposed to keeping this very ominous. I’d say to give this one a skip and instead just think about the premise and play it out in your head because it is still a sound idea.

Overall 2/10

An American Werewolf in London Review

This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would likely be more negative

Not another Werewolf film! These tend to always be really bad and unfortunately this one is no exception. Put it this way, you’re going to see the usual scenes of the Werewolf running around and eating everyone but the film isn’t trying to be more than that. I give it some kudos for trying to throw in some humor. The comedic moments are when the film is at its best but once it gets back to the actual werewolf moments then that’s game over. There is just no avenue for victory.

The movie starts with David and Jack hiking in the middle of nowhere when they finally come across an inn. They desperately needed a place to rest so this is perfect but there is one issue. The people here are all rather mean and tell the guys to get lost. It doesn’t help that Jack can’t help himself and talks about the odd pentagram they had in the inn. So back outside they are attacked by a werewolf. Jack is quickly murdered while David is saved by the innfolk showing up to dispatch the creature rather easily. No need to be afraid of the monster when you can just blast it away right? Unfortunately the werewolf curse has gone over to David now.

The ghost of Jack appears and warns David to finish himself off before the full moon or he’s going to murder a ton of people. David doesn’t believe this initially plus he is also busy trying to pull the moves on Alex, his nurse from when he was in the hospital. They have a quick affair and it’s all going well for him until he does turn into a Wolf. Now he knows that it is possible but the time is ticking and it is nearly time to transform again. Does he have any options to remove the curse or is he doomed to be a Werewolf now?

As you can probably guess, Jack is the most annoying character here. A lot of the bad things that happen to them can be directly attributed to him. He shouldn’t have caused trouble at the inn when they badly needed to rest. Then as a ghost he does try to help a bit I suppose but he isn’t super clear about it. If he joked around a little less and had a heart to heart with David then maybe he could have gotten through to the guy a little sooner. It’s an idea at least and I do think that it would have had a reasonable shot at succeeding.

As for David, I can’t say that I liked him much either. He was flirting way too quickly and the romance was really weak. It was really fast without much development and while it’s all very lucky for the guy, he also appears a bit easy as a result. If not for being a Werewolf I suppose he was pretty well set off for the rest of his life. I guess he’s just that charismatic but he definitely isn’t well equipped to deal with the curse. By the time he does know that it’s real he doesn’t make a whole lot of headway on stopping himself from hurting people. I actually think he should have gone with Alex back to the doctor to see if sedating him would work. Running off wasn’t going to help anybody.

Alex isn’t the most believable character around since you’d think she would have found his advanced annoying while she was trying to work. It’s another reason why the romance doesn’t work but at least she is very loyal the whole time and was trying to help him. So she gets points for effort and having the right intent there. Then there is Dr. Hirsch who is a solid character. He doesn’t believe in any of this supernatural stuff but once the facts stop adding up he does actually look into things. He doesn’t just shut off his ears and run around, he’s proactive about doing something and that’s why I give him some credit here. Other doctors would have just stayed in the office the whole time.

Inspector Villiers doesn’t have as much to do though. He’s around as you always need an inspector in all Werewolf films but doesn’t do anything beyond his role. You’d forget that he was in the film half the time. It’s not like he is effective at stopping the Werewolf. There is quite the body count here. Even some of the murders are done in a bit of a comedic way but the film still doesn’t hold back on the violence. It’s one of those titles that is really violent while also keeping a chipper tone the whole time. I do think that’s a pretty solid way to do things but it’s only a small consolation in the end.

The transformation scene may be iconic but it is much too long. I would have definitely shortened it quite a bit so he just powers up into Werewolf mode. The actual form is also very different from most Werewolf forms. It’s more of a beast on 4 legs than your standard two legged Werewolf. As everyone is brutally murdered you’re just waiting for someone to take him out already. A few good bullets would do the trick but unfortunately most of his victims don’t really see the attacks coming so they aren’t quite prepared for this.

Outside of the violence the film also likes to go for rather gross imagery that doesn’t help matters either. Jack looks more and more disfigured as the film goes on. It’s not afraid to be as out there as possible and having him just be bones would have been preferable. There’s an interesting meeting where the victims meet together to tell David to bump himself off. It’s definitely a big moment of dark humor here as they are relentless but it works rather well. The backdrop just should have been anywhere but at the theater since the film that was playing was very sketchy. Not the kind of audio backdrop you want for such a big conversation.

Overall, An American Werewolf in London may have a little more fun with the premise but ultimately it still runs into all of the same old issues. It’s a little too violent for its own good and a Werewolf doesn’t make for a very imposing villain. I think you’d have done better with throwing in another Werewolf to fight or maybe add in some supernatural elements. Something to keep this from being just another Werewolf movie would have been ideal. I do think the genre is more or less doomed though as there is only so much that you can do with the premise. I think that’s something that this film is seeing the hard way. I’d definitely advise you to skip this one.

Overall 1/10

Morgan Review

This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Morgan is a film with an interesting premise. That isn’t enough for me to actually call it good or anything like that but at least it is different. I also think it lays the groundwork out for future films to take place in this continuity which would keep on getting better and better. If it focused on certain elements of the climax and built off of that then this could end up being a lot of fun.

So the movie starts with Lee being sent out to a remote science lab by corporate. They want her to check in and make sure that things are okay there because there was a recent incident that has everyone concerned. The project being conducted here is the development of an android named Morgan. She is supposed to be the most advanced android of all time but she ended up seriously wounding one of the personnel so there may be a safety issue. Morgan is locked into a cell at all times as she is no longer allowed to go on daily walks after the accident. The whole staff swears that she is a good kid but Lee is unconvinced. Morgan is smart enough to notice this as well and may be forced to act quicker than she expected. Will Lee be able to leave this place alive?

There’s a lot to like here right out of the jump. For starters I would say that the atmosphere is suitably ominous. Morgan clearly seems to be saying all of the right things but as an android with incredibly state of the art software she effectively knows what the right things to say are. So does she actually mean what she is saying or is she just going through the motions. That’s what Lee has to figure out and it’s not an easy task. Bringing in a behaviors expert was a smart move there but that guy’s not too smart.

Lets look at the context here. Morgan is in trouble because she just seriously injured someone who upset her. So now Alan is trying to intentionally put her in a bad mood to test whether or not she would do this again? Hmmmm I don’t think that’s a good idea at all. You absolutely know how the scene is going to play out the instant that it appears. I wouldn’t say it’s bad writing on the film’s part, just a bad decision by Alan. Crucial difference there and the scene is handled well.

For the people who lived with Morgan the whole time it’s easy to see why they would still take her side while as an outside viewer like Lee you think the whole thing is crazy. There’s just no coming back from having back to back incidents like this including murdering someone. From here on out the movie gets a little crazier as it becomes a full on horror about an android that’s out to destroy everyone. You can say that Megan probably got the idea from this one although Morgan is portrayed as even more serious right from the start. She is wearing a hoodie and hides her face right from the 1st scene to set the tone.

The sci-fi backdrop is really solid and there are some good tunes here. The humans are on the annoying side though as the film couldn’t escape its weak cast. First up you have Skip who is portrayed as the most reasonable one. He just wants to have a good time and all but he quickly tries to pull some moves on Lee after having a previous affair prior to the film. He explains that it just gets boring there but you meet someone for one day and want to get that close? He just comes across as being really fake. He was also extremely slow on the uptake towards the end of the film. Just about anyone should have put something together by the end but instead he has to make a lot of noise. I don’t think things would have played out much differently for him if he did something else but it’s still not the ideal way to go.

Alan also wasn’t smart but I already covered him. Lui seemed more reasonable at least, she just overestimated how much conviction the rest of the team would have. Ultimately they let her down and she probably should have seen the whole thing through from the start. Then you have Kathy whose role is actually quite a bit smaller than most of the other characters. She’s in bed for most of the adventure but gets out just in time to be in some trouble of her own so that was probably not the best move. The character with the biggest role here is Amy who also doesn’t handle anything very well.

She’s the only adult who was by Morgan’s side the whole time. I actually thought Morgan was going to be angrier at her because Amy started to falter at the end but Morgan cut her some slack. From there if you’re Amy you have two real options. Leverage this and try to support Morgan in order to preserve your own existence or if you think she really should survive or you quickly make a break for it when you can. Instead Amy just tends to freeze up at every circumstance and sticks around long enough to get herself in trouble all the time. I didn’t really care for Amy. She’s always being a rebel and that’s fine but she’s a rebel without much of an end game. She was humane to Morgan and always tried to help her out so that was good at least.

If she only could have been more understanding then things could have maybe been different. There’s one scene in particular that hurt the movie a lot when Morgan ends up murdering a deer. The scene is unnecessary and should have been played out in much different ways. Get rid of the animal and you could show her logic processors another way. Still, in context what happened here is that Morgan saw the deer was dying but a very slow death as it had gotten stabbed. So she quickly finished it off in order to stop the pain. It’s disturbing to watch but you understand the general idea.

So why did Amy panic so much? You’re dealing with a sophisticated android that doesn’t fully understand emotions yet. Shouldn’t you be able to understand why Morgan did that and explain why it made you feel uncomfortable. There were so many things Amy could have done but did not and it made her look really bad here. You can’t just fumble the ball at the worst possible time like this. It puts everyone in a really bad situation.

The climax throws in everyone getting slaughtered one by one so that’s when the film really finds its horror roots. For most of the film it was an atmospheric horror but this is where it turned into more of a shock type title. I did really appreciate two of the fight scenes towards the end though. Now those were a lot of fun and if the whole film was like that then it would have really gone to the next level. That’s why a sequel could be really solid.

I mentioned that most of the cast was weak but Lee is an exception to this. Right from the start she is a great main character. She’s all about logic and making the correct decision so that’s a nice contrast to Morgan who does the logical thing because she was programmed that way. The film lays a lot of groundwork down for Lee and showing how she works as a character which works well throughout the movie. By the end you’re really satisfied with how she was portrayed the whole time. Meanwhile Morgan is also a log of fun. She makes for a solid antagonist who may fly off the handle a lot but it shows how you can’t totally trust her. Any character with incredible abilities like this is probably hard to trust if we’re being honest there. All it takes is one slip up and that’s game over.

Overall, Morgan had a lot of good ideas and it was a different kind of horror film. It should definitely get some solid props for that but at the end of the day it does return to form by the end of the movie with the brutal murders everywhere and that random animal violence moment didn’t help matters. If you really like horror films then you should check this one out but otherwise you’re better off watching Terminator Genysis if you want to see some android action. Now that one gets real intense the whole way through.

Overall 2/10

The Eye Review

This is one of those films that I think did have a little potential but ultimately it just wasn’t that great. It could be a bit repetitive at times and the climax wasn’t quite as intense as you would expect it to be. The ending didn’t quite go the way that it should have but I give the film props for not being too explicit involving the eyes or making any of the visions too ghastly. The movie actually felt like it had some restraint more times than not which is always appreciated.

The movie starts with Sydney doing well at another concert and she has been able to become a professional even while being blind for almost her whole life. It’s pretty impressive and everyone is in awe but now it is time for her to finally get her sight back. She goes through with the eye transplant and it’s all super blurry for a while but this is supposed to be normal. What isn’t normal is that she can now see into the realm of the supernatural. Ghosts of people who died but never moved on plague her at every location. She can’t get them to stop and while her goal has always been to see, she is starting to wonder if she was better off blind. Is there a way to make these visions go away or is she doomed? What if she is actually crazy and the eyes aren’t cursed?

One issue the film has is with repeating the same ghosts quite often which takes away from the fear factor. You have this kid who is nervous because he got bad grades at school so he tends to loiter around. If she tries to talk to him then he jumps out the window but respawns where he was as if this is Call of Duty. In a different kind of film you would probably have this be an emotional story where one by one she talks to all of the ghosts and helps them move on so they won’t be like this anymore. She does do that to an extent at least with one but for the most part she is just busy getting out of here.

The film’s premise is definitely similar to something like Mieruko-Chan but played out without the more supernatural edge. This one stops at the visions instead of embracing the genre more. Sydney definitely does not handle this well although I don’t blame her since the visions are rather tricky. It can be a little hard to tell if she is ever in any real danger though because most times the villains just seem to pass by her. I think she may have been burned once by one of her memories but it fades eventually. What she should have done was to test this a bit. Try to grab one of the ghosts instead of hiding all the time. Once you know that they can’t hurt you, wouldn’t that give you some piece of mind?

Again, Mieruko-Chan handles this really well so I’d recommend that series if you want to see someone who has to live with always being able to see the supernatural all the time. It’s a bit inconvenient for Sydney but she could have handled things better as opposed to shutting off the lights and just hiding at home for a while. By the end of the film she slowly starts to get used to things and the ending is wholesome in some ways but the very ending just feels like a waste. I would have witched one aspect of the film which would have left room for a potential sequel. Even if there was no sequel, keeping in this element would have just been a lot of fun.

So the film drops the ball on the ending. As a character I’d say Sydney is okay but not all that good. She falls for Paul way too quickly and considering that they have something close to a patient doctor relationship that’s not a good idea. Sydney tries to use some pseudo science in the film to try and explain what she’s seeing and brings up a study about someone who claimed they could see things from the previous owner of the eyes. I have doubts on if this is really possible although I’d readily believe it for the brain, but I wouldn’t deny the chance. It just makes things even trickier for Sydney. If she really thinks that she is just seeing visions then there is even less to be scared of right? You can’t be hurt by visions so then that’s it. Just ignore them as best you can and keep it moving.

It’s probably hard not to react to them so scenes like what happened at the restaurant would still be tricky but I do think Sydney could have handled things way better than she did. Meanwhile Paul cracks a little too quickly on going back against his doctor’s oath to tell her about the previous donor. You really gotta be careful about breaking your oaths too quickly or people just aren’t going to trust you. I suppose most will never find that out but I wouldn’t say that is a great consolation either way.

So in general I would say that the premise was better than the execution here. There are some fun ideas and you could really have some fun themes about not judging the undead. Maybe have Sydney be scared for a while but gradually she sees that these people aren’t that bad and helps them out. There was a kid who helped her out in the hospital that wasn’t so bad. It could have even been a bit of an uplifting film in that case instead of this half hearted horror attempt. The movie is just scary and it’s just all over the place most of the time. The special effects are decent I suppose. Of course the scenes in the hospital are the weakest since you still don’t want to see any part of the operation but the film doesn’t linger on this much.

Overall, The Eye is below average for me because it really didn’t do anything great with the plot. The premise has so many areas for good potential and it didn’t use any of them. That’s a big miss if you ask me since the possibilities are really endless with this. Having eyes that let you see the dead would absolutely be annoying so that’s 100% true but lets see the main character try adapting to the situation a little bit instead of getting tossed and turned the whole time. You can do better so I’d say to skip this one.

Overall 4/10

Jeepers Creepers 3 Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It is time for the return of Jeepers Creepers. I wasn’t exactly a big fan of the first two and I can’t say that anything has really changed with the third one. This time the Creeper actually gets to be outshined by his own truck though so that’s a bit of a twist. It does make for a very imposing threat since you can see how the heroes would have almost no shot of getting out of it. The movie doesn’t really do anything all that different from the first two though so there’s not much reason to check this one out.

The movie starts off with the Creeper messing everyone up as he escapes with his van from police headquarters. Dan arrives and informs the local police chief Davis that this is just the beginning. Apparently everyone has their big awakening where the Creeper is concerned where they decide to do something about this madness. He makes the case that Davis needs to help him track the Creeper down now before he gets away again. What can you do against something that can fly, regenerate, has super strength, speed, and a car of gadgets that would even impress Batman? Well they have another one of those spear gatling guns. These films seem to love this thing despite it never working for long but hey it’s better to try something as opposed to nothing right? Meanwhile there are a bunch of teenagers running around and you figure that they’re doomed.

The film doesn’t have many positives so lets go over those first. First off we have the ending of the film which does a nice job of tying all 3 movies together. Presumably the 4th movie would have been really solid if they had actually stuck to this plot. Okay…that’s probably giving it too much credit but I do think that it could have been rather decent compared to this one. The ending leaves things off on a hype note even if you figure that the characters don’t have much of a chance of really making a difference.

I also thought that the plot with Sheriff Dan was decent for a while. It’s certainly more engaging than the main one at least as everyone is very dramatic and they all talk a good game. The problem is that this doesn’t directly translate into wins. No matter how much planning they do, it’s not like they’re ever closer to actually securing the win. That’s probably the most annoying part of the movie, there is never a single moment where you think that they have a shot. The Creeper is just too powerful with no true weaknesses so the movie feels futile right out of the gate.

There is a whole subplot about finding out his past but it’s super pointless. Basically if you grab onto his hand you see things…presumably his origin story and stuff like that. At no point in the film does it ever become important or useful in the fight though so I don’t know what the writers were thinking. Gaylen grabs the hand first and is taken into a trance but for the rest of the film all she can do is talk cryptically. It would be nice if she could have hared the intel…you know so nobody else has to grab the hand? Since she does not then Dan has to do it next…and also doesn’t tell people anything useful. Sure we get a sign at the end taunting the Creeper but does it matter?

Sounds like they’re trying to hurl some insults by saying that they know about his past but why would he even care? Apparently he does but they really couldn’t have known that. A significant chunk of the movie is spent on this pointless mystery so that didn’t do the film any favors. Dan looks all the worse for it since he deserves a lot of blame on the planning. Davis at least did decent in covering him with the gun. I thought he meant well and while he didn’t stand a chance, he didn’t back away from danger.

Gaylen at least told Addison to leave so she wouldn’t be in danger but didn’t do much beyond that. She was just way too old for this kind of adventure. Addison has a little romance plot running around but her family is rather annoying which doesn’t help matters. Her brother is a juvenile delinquent who runs around putting animals in cages for no good reason so of course he gets bumped off. His friends aren’t much better and everyone takes years to take the animal out of the cage. Cmon now guys.

Addison and Buddy also handled one situation terribly. So they drive up to this ranch where everyone is hiding underneath their cars. You might figure this is a great chance to just drive on out of there, slowly back up, dial 9-11…or something. We know you wouldn’t get out of the car…right? Wrong! Buddy gets out and walks up to the guys asking why they’re hiding under a car. No matter what the answer is, it’s probably smarter to be in the car. Maybe it’s a guy with a gun running around, a bear, hornets, etc. Why get out of the car? He’s lucky he wasn’t taken out on the spot by the Creeper but that guy likes messing around to increase the level of fright since he still consumes that as energy. Addison and Buddy did not handle anything very well here so they could be annoying.

The film’s writing is bad for all the reasons I already listed above. It’s also about as violent as you would expect with this kind of slasher film. Everyone is getting bumped off left and right by the Creeper and are unable to do anything about it. The van makes for a very unique set of deaths for the heroes but ultimately this isn’t a movie that is used to showing a lot of restraint. It’s just going for the shock value and at the end of the day that isn’t going to really help it surpass the earlier films. The Creeper is also still such a bad villain, there’s nothing cool about him. The design is weak and while his powers are good, there’s just not much to him.

Overall, The only appeal to this movie would be the ending as the franchise starts to form something of a real story but since the sequel never came out there is no longer much reason to watch this film. It goes through all of the usual motions of a slasher film but the writers couldn’t figure out what kind of plot they wanted to tack onto it. As a result you’ve just got narrative dead ends that don’t do anyone any good. The movie just needed to be honest with itself about wanting to just have an excuse to get everyone bumped off.

Overall 1/10

Count Yorga, Vampire Review

Now this is an awful film so prepare yourself. Dracula already set the bar extremely low with all of those installments but somehow Yorga is even worse. The film’s extremely annoying with characters not making the right moves and it goes for being gritty for no reason. They definitely want to show that Yorga is as demented as possible but he’s the Count so we already knew that.

The movie starts with the main characters doing a seance so that Donna can see her mother again but unfortunately the whole thing doesn’t go well. It just gives Count Yorga a chance to mind control Donna a bit. He scurries off but later on Erica and Paul end up driving the guy home which is a big mistake. Now the Count has them in his sites and things get tricky from there. Will the count be taking everyone down or can Dr. Hayes be brought in to stop this?

So where to even start with this one? We’ve got the usual blood sucking everywhere but that is really the least of our worries at this point. Where the film really surpasses its limits here is it decides to also give the Count a sidekick. This guy is basically desperate to have a lady of his own and so he ends up attacking one of Yorga’s mind controlled victims. This is the scene that absolutely should have been cut out of the film. It’s off screen but he basically has his way with her.

It’s purely here for grit and shock value because it has nothing to do with anything. This guy has no business being in the film in general. We’re here for the vampire, not the right hand man who is messing around here. The film was basically doomed to be a 0 from this point although that was rarely in doubt.

Yorga is also shown to be one of the more perverted villains as the guy has fun commanding the victims to mess around with each other while he watches. You wouldn’t see this kind of behavior from Dracula who at least kept some dignity most of the time. This guy also can’t handle himself in a straight fight. Half the time he has the mind controlled zombie vampires go in to fight for him. Near the end Yorga is confronted so he immediately runs off.

Then he has the element of surprise along with his supposedly superior vampire physical abilities and yet he gets rocked. The guy has no defense to the stake but he also doesn’t have the speed to dodge or the strength to mess with the aim? He just looks so weak by the end that it takes away from his tough talk the whole film.

I’ll just give him one thing, I liked his banter with Dr. Hayes. It’s the only good part of the film as they both subtly threaten each other. Hayes hints that he knows Yorga is a vampire while Yorga advises him to leave while he still can. I like these threatening conversations like this. It keeps things interesting and you keep wondering which character will back down first.

That is the only good part of the film though as the rest goes back to the film just being awful again. Why do the heroes decide to attack only once it’s night time? I suppose they still thought there was hope to save some of the captives but they really took forever and should have attacked at the crack of dawn when they had to leave early. That would have definitely been their best play here and it would have taken Yorga by surprise. Once it was night time the deck was stacked against them.

Another issue with the film is that none of the characters are particularly likable. Donna doing that seance didn’t help matters and everyone was rather rude about it the whole time. Just don’t participate in it at that point. Paul and Erica were messing around too much in the van and didn’t keep their guards up.

The only good character here was Hayes and unfortunately things don’t go very well for him there. He definitely should have prepared himself a bit more but at least he did last for most of the film so I’ll give him some props there. It’s not like he had a whole lot of help in the film anyway.

Michael was the only other one to fight and unfortunately he lets his guard down a lot too and was too slow to help in the end. We do get the classic jump scare at the end of the movie though. It may not be the most impressive one but it gets the job done. You’d expect nothing less here.

It’s hard to make a vampire film that’s all that good but you could absolutely do one that’s way better than this. Make the Count someone who needs to drink blood to survive so you keep his cocky attitude and have him take everyone out but he just destroys them instead of keeping them alive to play with. Remove his right hand man and make the main characters a little more likable. Have them be more focused on trying to figure out what the Count’s deal is and cut out the half hearted romances squeezed in for no reason. Then without all of the shock value scenes perhaps this could actually be a decent movie…perhaps.

Overall, Count Yorga is a huge miss. It’ll end up sinking the vampire genre to new lows for you so I’d advise you to just skip this one entirely. There’s no reason to check it out at all so instead watch a Dracula film if you have to but of course I would advise just completely not watching a vampire film as it is. It’s just very rare that they end up being good anyway so why bother right? I doubt anyone will remember Yorga in a few years though. The guy is already over the hill.

Overall 0/10

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

The big Alien vs Predator sequel has made it but unfortunately this would have to go down as the weakest film in the series. It goes way too far in just how gruesome and edgy it wants to be. This time you have kids and actual babies being taken out as well. Ultimately there isn’t a whole lot to like in this one and not even the crossover element is enough to get this one to win.

The story picks up where the last one left off which is that there was an alien growing inside of the Predator. It ends up hatching and causes a ton of damage before crashing back to Earth. One Predator decides to go down and take the Predalien out but it won’t be easy. A lot of aliens have quickly started to grow on Earth so the infestation is back to being just as strong as it was before. Any progress that could have been made for the humans is effectively gone now. The humans in this area need to try and escape as soon as possible.

Lets get the violence out of the way here first. A big part of why this film is no good is just how extreme the violence is all the time. It sets the tone early when the kid and his father get brutally murdered by the aliens and it just keeps on going from there. Going after the babies at the hospital was just crazy and I could also deal without all of the chestbursters everywhere. Those are always the worst part of the Aliens. Just give us the full sized Xenomorphs and stick to those. I guarantee it would make for a better film all the way around.

The film is also infamously dark as you’ve probably heard. Everything is in the shadows so it feels like the film isn’t particularly confident in its special effects. Just give us the full fights. The Predalien has a cool design and the fight with the Predator is cool while it’s in the special green vision but otherwise the fights aren’t impressive because of this. So that’s part of the big hook of the film in theory and the movie doesn’t take advantage of it. So much for this being a big crossover.

Then we’ve got the humans and none of them are really any good. Ricky is the main guy here and he likes Jesse but she is already dating the school bully. That should be enough for Ricky to just acknowledge that it’s over and move on but he doesn’t go down that route. He throws a joke at the bullies which leads to him being beat up and then he’s still willing to rebound with Jesse after this.

The romance is really bad the whole time and the characters aren’t likable. Why was Jesse with this guy in the first place? It seems like this wasn’t the first time the bullies have messed with Ricky so he didn’t play that very well at all. His older brother Dallas at least seems reasonable as he tries to handle things peacefully and helps find the keys. He also handles the whole alien infestation calmly which is more than can be said for some of the characters.

One of them decides to just believe the government which is never really a good idea. I do like the government here. They’re definitely really sinister and shady as you’d expect but they make for a fun antagonist. Any scene with the government has them in a very darkly lit room acting suspicious even when they are supposedly trying to help out. I imagine they don’t seem as suspicious on the phone but I was glad that at least one person took notice.

The film does have a reasonable twist ending which is good to set up the next film even if it’s not as impactful as you’d expect. To me it implies that the humans are aware of other alien races and might be ready to make a deal or a move with one of them. That would have been really interesting to change things up as opposed to the usual aliens vs predators direct line up. Maybe even have the two forces team up? Would be tough since the Xenomorphs are usually mindless though.

Too bad the government didn’t appear more. I think that could have helped the film quite a bit. They were way more interesting than the main characters after all and at least they had some kind of a plan. Lets just say they make the climax a little more explosive. If you had good main characters then this wouldn’t be necessary but we didn’t have great characters. The writing isn’t good and there’s no memorable soundtrack so at the end of the day there isn’t much to the film beyond that.

I also think the Xenomorphs look a bit weak here. By this point it’s apparent that a single Predator can take them down by the dozens which is a little extreme. Outdoors perhaps the Predator has the edge but half the time he’s beating them in confined spaces and indoors as well where they should have the edge. I want to see the Aliens holding their own even when there are no cheap shots involved. How can this be a real rivalry otherwise? The Xenomorphs have a lot of physical strength so that should be enough to tip the scales.

Overall, Aliens vs Predator 2 is just a bad movie. The camera work isn’t great, the whole concept of the battle between the two series takes a back seat and there’s barely a plot. Half the time we’ll just be introduced to new characters so they could be murdered as normal. The cast is small enough where they literally are bringing in characters just to have them destroyed. What this tells me is that the film’s story wasn’t long enough to actually stretch into a full length movie without this and so the writers should have gone back to the drawing board.

Overall 0/10

Halloween: Resurrection Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the uncut version would be more negative

Halloween has returned and you can bet that it is just as gruesome as ever. It suffers from all of the usual issues such as a weak cast, over the top violence and characters making the worst decisions possible. I wouldn’t say that it is the worst film in the series as it still ends up beating two of the prior ones but it’s all relative in the race to the bottom. The movie’s quite short at least so it’s over in a flash.

The movie kicks off with explaining how the ending of the film didn’t have us watch Laurie destroy Michael and instead he tricked her by swapping masks. This may sound a little crazy because it is but I guess that’s just how it goes sometimes. A few years pass by and Myers attacks Laurie again but she handles herself well and defeats him. Unfortunately she decides to go in close to try and remove his mask as if this was Scooby Doo and so this allows him to turn the tables and destroy her. He’s now ready to go back home but it turns out that a group of teenagers are filming a spooky reality show in his house. Myers figures that it’s time to take them all down.

Right off the bat it is annoying that Laurie would make the mistake of underestimating Myers by getting too close like this. The film tries to blame it on her feeling guilt so she had to make sure that she got the right person but it didn’t matter in this instance. Whoever was behind the mask was clearly trying to murder her so take him out and then worry about whoever is behind the mask. That would have been the best way to handle this and then she would still be around. Definitely a shame.

The security here also seemed pretty bad. This is evidently a bit of an insane asylum with the patients behind bars so how is it so easy for the guy in the clown mask to keep escaping? It’s treated as if this was a normal thing and you’d think that they would be a lot more serious about it. The guy may seem harmless but is he really? He’s a little too interested in the murders so I have my doubts on that one.

Once we get to the main cast we’re reminded why nobody tends to like the horror casts all that much. While there are a few exceptions, the characters always seem to be super annoying and as a result as unprepared for the dangers ahead. They throw in so many fake jump scares and cry wolf to the point where nobody believes them when the danger is actually real. That’s on them when everyone is slow to react when things really happen. I’d also say that going to the Myers house is in really bad taste. I’d say the same is true of picking someone older, but someone who (seemingly) just died 3 years ago and the victims are still fresh in everyone’s memories? Yeah this is definitely going to be an exploitative scary show.

The guys here are only interested in booking up with the girls while the main girl’s friend just wants to be famous. The main heroine Sara is really here out of peer pressure which is a common factor as her pen pal Deckard goes to a party for the same reason. They need to learn to just say no to going places where they don’t want to be and it will absolutely help them out later in life. You can’t let peer pressure just toss you around like that. It’s not a good idea in the slightest!

As mentioned the film is fairly short at around an hour and a half and it feels short so I guess that’s good on the pacing. On the other hand, while usually you could at least expect to be engaged in the human scenes when Myers isn’t going around murdering everyone, that isn’t the case here since the characters are so bad. That puts you in a rather tough position because there is nobody to really root for here. I guess I would go with the head of the show Freddie.

The guy may be the head of this operation and so he’s really the one getting everyone into trouble but he can fight and gets some good lines against Myers. In fact I would go as far as to say he gets all of the best scenes. I liked seeing him glad Myers on and actually land some really good hits. Wishing him a Happy Halloween was really intense too. You just know that he better get as far out of the country as possible because if Myers gets back then he will absolutely be holding a grudge here. He’s not really the forgive and forget kind of guy.

If the film did something right here it’s that the characters actually fought back against Myers more. Laurie took him out early on, Freddie got multiple victories against him and that’s good because he is just a guy with super strength. You should be trying to push him around because of you can take him out at least for a little bit then you’re all set. It may backfire but it’s better to go down with a fight than not at all.

The death scenes aren’t quite as brutal as in a few other films as they don’t tend to be as prolonged but make no mistake, the film is still intensely violent and one of the reasons the movie won’t make it to the big time. There is still quite a body count here before the film is over as nobody is safe from his rampage. At least we still have a solid soundtrack as always. The Myers theme is iconic at this point and for good reason. It’s very distinctive and has that spooky kind of feel to it as well so it just works really well.

There’s just not much more to say about the film though because the writing is just that bad. Just think about it for a minute, it’s actually hard to make all of the characters this bad. Freddy is the only silver lining here as everyone else is absolutely out of their league and not doing much to make themselves likable characters. If they would quit it with the jump scares and all then maybe they would finally be better than average but that’s too much for the Halloween series.

Overall, At least the movie is short but this is one that you will want to skip. It really doesn’t do anything to add to the Halloween mythos and is instead a film that you will forget right away. It’s easy to see why people didn’t like this one although I can’t talk as much there since I haven’t liked any of them. At least we always have the iconic Halloween theme which is still a classic. That theme holds up well to this day which is quite impressive. You can’t say that about every theme.

Overall 1/10

Christine Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

You may remember Christine as the bully from Carrie but the name is a coincidence. This car has been a demon for a very long time and is around to dish out the pain. The movie is about how corruption spreads fast and you have to be careful who you hang with or you could be in trouble. The main guy’s friend is annoying with how quickly he goes on the dark side though.

So the movie starts by introducing us to Arnie who has had a rough time of things. He gets picked on, has really strict parents, and just doesn’t have a high opinion of himself. Well, one day he finds a super beat up car that looks like it’s on its way to the scrapheap and decides to buy it from this shady old guy. His friend Dennis tries to convince Arnie not to do this but he does anyway. Miraculously Arnie is able to make this car look brand new and all of a sudden he has become an overconfident school delinquent. Dennis sees that Arnie is getting worse and worse but what can he do about it?

I’d say that Dennis is definitely put in a really tough spot here. There’s only so much that you can do as the best friend. He’s not family and it’s not like he’s an adult figure so his best bet is just trying to reason with Arnie as friends. Unfortunately that guy is so far off the deep end that it’s really tough to do so. Dennis is a stand-out character for trying so hard. Additionally, Dennis did risk his life in stepping in when the bullies had Arnie outnumbered 5 to 1 and disarmed the guy with the knife.

It was a great scene for him and he really didn’t lose faith in his friend until the end. Dennis really did everything he could. Meanwhile you can basically flip everything that I said for Dennis for Arnie. That guy was annoying on every front. Look, he definitely did have a tragic origin story, I can’t argue against that. The bullies scene was really rough and knowing that he has to go through things like that at school is tough. It’s also easy to see why he has so much self doubt.

The main issue is once he gets the car Christine and suddenly does a 180. If the car is going to mess with his mind, I’d like to see it be gradual so that we know Arnie is actually fighting. Instead the guy goes crazy almost immediately and starts taking this out on Leigh, his parents, and everyone around him. He stops being sympathetic real quick and at the end of the day he chose the car over everyone else. How much of that was mind control and how much of that was really him is the question that the film leaves you with.

It’s hard to say but I’m always big on willpower. If you didn’t produce then that’s game over. So Arnie letting himself be turned evil like that was just bad. Especially when he turns on Dennis who was always in his corner. Beating up on the bullies and taking them out? Yeah that’s rather intense but you definitely see how it could happen. Once he started driving crazy on the highway and acting hostile towards Dennis then things were really crazy. Likewise with taking such a hard stance with Leigh after she had nearly just died by choking in his car.

Arnie’s pretty bad but then I’d also say that Leigh should have completely cut ties with him after the first incident as well. Don’t go back to him after that no matter what he says. Following him into the garage led to another blow-up since the car was his top priority and even after that she’s trying to save him. Perhaps she was extra perceptive that it was the car messing him up but realistically that’s not the first thing that you would think of. She was rather easy on him.

Another character who suspected the car awful quickly was Rudolph. He’s a detective but a rather odd one. I don’t see how anybody could jump to the supernatural conclusion too quickly but this guy seemed to suspect it right away. He was asking a whole lot of questions about the car and how it was fixed so quickly but I’m not even sure what he was getting at. It felt like he had to be hinting that he knew the car was supernatural but that’s really a headscratcher. How he could possibly have jumped to that conclusion (Even if it was correct) is a bit beyond me there.

Props to him being a great detective I suppose. He was a nice character though and I would have liked to have seen more of him. As for Christine, well she’s evil from the jump so it’s not like you can reason with her. She gets jealous quickly and is always ready to exact lethal revenge. If she hadn’t gone after Leigh then you could have at least tried to paint her as a more sympathetic character trying to protect her owner but since she is possessive like that, then there’s no shot. Of course she did the same thing in the past to the previous owner’s family so she was just always like that. I’m cool with the film not going any further into the past because I think it actually makes things more scary to know that she was just randomly an evil, sentient car as opposed to some long backstory about how she turned out that way.

The film isn’t quite as violent as the average King title. The car does take some people out for sure but usually not in super gruesome ways. The violence at times is more implied than shown explicitly. One guy gets rammed to death for example but whereas in another film we would see every moment of that for a drawn out period of time, it’s not quite as intense here. Christine is in general a bit of a mean spirited film though with the average bullies running around and causing trouble. They really go all in by attacking a second time and then you have Arnie’s boss who is rude to everyone for no real reason.

The romance here is really on the weak side for obvious reasons. The relationship with Leigh and Arnie was never going to work out with him being on the dark side and all. I really hope the film wasn’t gunning towards a rebound later on but I’ll choose to believe it wasn’t since it ends pretty quick. I was expecting a different romance plot to continue but the other girl pretty much got completely written out after the opening scenes.

Overall, Christine isn’t really a fun film to watch but at least it’s fairly tame so I wouldn’t say that it’s too bad. There just aren’t very many happy moments and with Arnie being corrupted immediately, you can’t even root for him to really be saved by the end. If you really like evil cars then that might be enough to push it over the edge for you but otherwise I’d say to skip this one. Meanwhile one character nearly chokes to death here and it reminds me why I have to eat so slowly at Jumbo’s pizza. The cheese is so thick that I swear it’s a choking hazard so I always warn people about that when I recommend the place. Top 2 pizza in the whole world but definitely an intense one so don’t take big bites.

Overall 4/10

Carrie Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Carrie is a very well known movie. I’d wager that every horror fan has heard of it at some point or another and so you generally know the climax before actually watching it but the rest of the film is the adventure. Unfortunately I can safely say that this film is definitely not going to rank at all. Right from the start the movie begins on a low note and doesn’t really let up from there.

When a movie starts with an extended fanservice scene at the showers you know that you’re going to be in for a looooong ride. The whole first scene may introduce how Carrie was brought up in a way where she doesn’t know basic facts but it’s probably one of the worst ways to go about it. The bullies are everywhere and taking names as expected and you’re ready to move onto the next scene. Carrie was bullied so thoroughly here that she was traumatized and at home her abusive mother Margaret blames Carrie for this since Margaret has very crazy views on the world and sin.

Out of all the girls who messed with Carrie, the only one who feels bad about this is Sue and she wants to find a way to make it up to Carrie. So she has an idea, she’ll convince her boyfriend Tommy to take Carrie to the prom and pretend to like her. This will in theory get Carrie’s confidence up and allow her to make friends which will buffer the impact from Tommy leaving Carrie to go back to Sue afterwards. This plan is anything but full proof however it’s the best that she’s got and Tommy decides to roll with it. Little do they know that the main bully Christine also has plans of her own for the prom to try and wreck Carrie’s life once and for all.

The whole town is very mean spirited that’s for sure. The only two really decent characters here appear to be the teacher Miss Collins and Sue. Tommy’s okay as well I guess but very weak willed and probably should have said that the plan was not a good one. At the end of the day he just listens to Sue’s ideas without really throwing his own views into the mix and that was a big mistake. I didn’t think the plan was very well thought out at all because no matter what, someone is going to be feeling real bad by the time this is all over.

Lets dial it back though and first we’ll talk about what didn’t work for the film. Obviously the fanservice is the big issue right off the bat and destroys any momentum from the outset. Not to be stopped there though, the film even throws animal violence as the villains slaughter a bunch of pigs in order to get the blood they’ll need for the plan. It’s yet another edgy moment in what I would call a very edgy film. The movie didn’t even need to go that far because things were already really dire and a lot of other traps would have worked without the animal component.

Then we have the crazy mother where all of her scenes are definitely real sketchy. She’s always trying to drill fake lessons into Carrie’s head and mess with her further. It’s rough as Carrie is trying to do the right thing in not talking back to her but in the end that just results in her having to give in. Margaret’s just way too far gone at this point for anyone to help her out. Considering that Carrie has powers and is seemingly in control of them when she wants to be, Margaret is lucky that she’s still around at all.

We can’t forget about the bully Christine who is basically around just to try and make Carrie’s life as miserable as possible. I liked that the teacher actually stood up to her though. A lot of the time it seems like the bully gets away with everything but here Miss Collins actually took a swing at her and forces Christine to run off. It’s one of the rare times where the teacher actually got a complete victory over the student which is incredibly rare.

Billy is just as bad for going with the plan. I wouldn’t even say he was coerced into it, the guy was thrilled to help out. They had a very toxic relationship from the start that’s for sure. All of their scenes are painful as well and you’re waiting for them to get bumped off but they actually lasted a bit longer than you’d expect. In the end all of these bad characters and scenes add up to make for an awful movie though. You can’t really go back to back scenes without something bad happening. The film rarely gives you a chance to actually be happy.

Take Carrie for example, she is doing her best to have a fun life but you know that trouble is around every corner. I don’t blame her for saying no to the prom at first because in 99% of the cases she would be right that it was a trap. It actually wasn’t this time but it very well could have been and why put yourself in that position? Then Margaret was pressuring her from the other end so Carrie ended up going and the whole thing didn’t work out. Even in the brief moments in the party where she was having a good time, you knew that it couldn’t last.

Carrie was a good character though and I can see why she would blow up at the end though. After a while it was just too much. Too bad she couldn’t target only the villains though but by then her headspace was a little too cluttered. It’s ultimately what ended up turning her into more of a villain rather than ending things off with an anti-hero development. A part of me thought that Sue would end up turning into a traitor in the end so I’m glad that this didn’t happen. While I didn’t like the plan, at least she was trying to be helpful so I can give her that. Likewise for Tommy but then he loses all of those points when he actually does have an affair with Carrie.

He may be doing Sue a favor but cheating wasn’t included in that. He’s still her boyfriend after all so you can’t really cross that line without making things into an issue. Finally Miss Collins was definitely the best character here. She took charge and kept a level head. Considering that she was dealing with so many troublemakers, I’d say that she did a good job in keeping them all under control. By the end she may have made a mistake in how things were handled but from her pov it is easy to see how she would make that mistake. The party was really hectic and she couldn’t let any bullying go on over here. It was just game over there and she had a grisly end even though she tried being helpful.

They did a good job with the fire effects here. The climax felt like something out of a thriller film with explosions everywhere. The film also had a suitably ominous soundtrack going on for it. So on a technical level I can give the film some props there but at the end of the day it’s just too relentlessly depressing for all of the characters involved. The film would need a lot of clean up before I could say that it was ready to be a good film. Maybe throw in the government and some kind of subplot about tracking Carrie down and the origin of her powers. I wasn’t a big fan of the writing so you could also change large parts of the script and scale down Margaret’s scenes.

Overall, The cast here is very weak which mixed in with the rest of the film’s issues made this one an easy L. You’ll want to avoid it even if the film does have a fairly legendary reputation. There just isn’t a lot of fun to be had here. The whole town may not have been on Carrie’s side but ultimately there was nobody to rescue her from her home situation or help out at all so they may as well have been. Carrie really was all alone for most of the day and ultimately this ended up catching up to her.

Overall 1/10