Sleeping With The Enemy Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative.

When you see a title like this along with the general premise you will probably just walk right on past it to the next section of the store. It just doesn’t seem like a winner and your initial gut would be correct. It’s rather difficult to make a plot like this work in the first place so it’s no surprise that it didn’t but I’d say the film put in an effort. It just didn’t end up paying off this time around.

The movie opens up by introducing us to Laura, she’s certainly a tragic character married to the abusive Martin. One day she is able to escape by feigning her death and settling down in a small village. She meets up with her new neighbor Ben and prepares for a rebound romance. Unfortunately she made one critical mistake when escaping her old life. She threw her ring in the toilet and flushes but never actually checked to see if it went down. It did not and now Martin has reason to suspect that she isn’t actually dead. He sets off to find her. Will Laura be safe in this town or is it all over.

I would say the ring is her only mistake because while we do get a tricky call from someone that blows her cover, it’s not likely that she could have controlled that. You should only worry about what you can control which in this case is the ring. While that was an unfortunate slip, Laura did do a good job of seizing her opportunity when she needed to. Jumping into the ocean during such a storm is definitely not an easy thing to do that’s for sure. I would also make the case that Laura should have kept her wig on instead of going back to her classic hair. It would help with the disguise at least a bit and coupling that with a new name would help quite a bit in staying under the radar. It wasn’t quite to be though.

The film definitely sets Martin up as the big bad guy right from the start. He’s shown to be pretty crazy almost immediately and from there he only goes worse and worse. Unfortunately people tend to talk to him quite a lot so he finds out information on locating Laura pretty easily. You’d think there would be a lot of warning bells set off when this guy approaches you but people don’t seem to notice each time. The guys here aren’t the most perceptive that’s for sure. I was half expecting him to destroy the boat guy who showed up near the beginning but that guy got lucky this time.

Meanwhile Laura is a solid main character. As mentioned, she was pretty brave to come up with the plan to escape and does a good job of rebuilding her life. She contributes quite a bit towards the end of the film and doesn’t back down when it’s crunch time. She’s easily the best character here although there isn’t much of a cast to go against her. We’ve got Ben but he’s not all that great. The guy means well of course but he goes down real quick in the climax despite having the element of surprise and I wasn’t a big fan of the romance either. It definitely seems like a romance is the last thing Laura would want to deal with right now after seeing how the last one went. The way Ben handled the whole apples situation also wasn’t the greatest first appearance for him if he was trying to make a positive impression. The only thing I’ll give him credit for is noticing that something was wrong during the climax of the film.

Now having a plot like this one with an abusive character like Martin makes for easy tension in a film but it’s definitely not a plot that will help a movie. The first chunk of the movie is all pretty unbearable until Laura is able to get out of there. Of course you may wonder how she ended up with someone like this but of course she explains he wasn’t always like this and used to appear to be nice. It’s one of the dangerous things about relationships and why you can’t blame Laura here. At the end of the day it’s hard to ever really know someone else and this kind of thing could happen. It’s a very tragic plot point to be sure but definitely not one that makes for good film.

Overall, Sleeping With The Enemy is not a film I would recommend. The main plot isn’t good and since that’s the whole focus of the film it’s unable to get past that. The movie just would have needed something drastic to really get past this. At the end of the day the writing isn’t bad and the film moves pretty quickly but there’s just no way to really recommend it. At the end of the day the movie just isn’t really any fun. That said, you would expect that just based on the title and the synopsis. If you want a thriller to watch I would recommend the latest Mission Impossible instead. That one gives you a lot of tension and action but also has a pretty fun feel to it.

Overall 2/10

Fatal Attraction Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative.

Fatal Attraction is one of those films that makes it really impossible to be all that sympathetic to the main character. He makes a ton of mistakes throughout the film and ultimately has to live with the consequences. It’s a nice cautionary tale about how a one night stand can quickly wreck your entire future going forward. It’s definitely not a romance film I would recommend and works as a complete opposite to People Will Talk. If that film depicted one of the most wholesome romances out there, this one would be one of the more sinister depictions.

The movie starts with Dan attending a party along with his wife Beth. Things have been going pretty well for the two of them over the years. They have a kid and a solid home environment. Dan is also making pretty good money as a lawyer. Unfortunately Beth heads off for a day to go check out a house they are interested in buying. Dan can’t imagine the thought of being alone for a night so he quickly makes an advance on Alex, a lady he has only known for a few hours and they have a one night stand which quickly becomes 2. Dan then decides to cut this off with Beth being back but Alex won’t accept this. She says Dan has to stay with her and her upcoming kid or she will continue to wreck his life. She goes from spamming his phone to outright murder and kidnapping. Can Dan really stop her or will this be game over for him?

So there’s no way to sympathize with Dan here. The guy just makes mistake after mistake which comes back to bite him. He knew exactly what he was doing at all times so lets keep that in mind. It’s not like this was some accident, he was drunk (Which is still no excuse) or he was alone for months and slowly started to crack. It was a single night…he hadn’t even gone home yet so more like an afternoon before he cracked. The guy had absolutely 0 loyalty to his wife Beth and that means his bond was never as strong as he thought it was. He also doesn’t prioritize his dog as he even forgets to feed him/give a walk the first night. That shows that Dan also isn’t responsible.

The movie definitely makes sure to show what a hopeless path Dan has found himself on. Unfortunately the film decides to throw in some animal violence as well as when Alex murders their rabbit. Did we really need to see this? At this point Dan still does not immediately call the cops on her. I suppose getting fingerprints may be difficult but I’d like for them to have at least conducted a search, see if you can come up with something. Alex had quite the rap sheet by the end when you factor in the kidnapping. It’s why schools always got to have a very strict policy about who is allowed to take a kid off the premises. If you’re going to have someone different pick up a kid then there have to be agreements and something in writing saying that this person is allowed to take the kid. Someone just saying it isn’t quite enough.

Beth was a solid character. She had no reason to suspect anything during the film. As far as she knew Dan was just a faithful husband going about his business so the whole thing definitely comes as a big shock. I don’t really see how she can ever forget that so I don’t see things going well after that. The kid was too young to really contribute anything to the film but did add to the tension later on. Dan’s friends were pretty reasonable. They had some good banter with the leads and even Dan’s co-workers were pretty reasonable. It shows how much he threw away during all of this.

We do get an action scene at the end of the film though so it ends on a bang. Dan looks pretty bad during this fight though and I also have to suspend a lot of disbelief for his not hearing anything with the tea kettle on. Tea is fairly loud but not quite That loud. I also thought Beth could have fought a little more as she was mostly just frozen in shock the whole time. There’s quite a bit of back and forth here though. For the most part the film’s about mental warfare but I suppose the actual ending wanted to shake things up a bit.

I wouldn’t say there’s a whole lot to like here though. The plot itself ensures that there are few likable main characters. It’s always tough when a film has a main character you just can’t get behind because you’ll be seeing him throughout so that can be tricky. The romance itself is naturally pretty bad as well. It was definitely an ill advised affair from the start. The writing is okay I suppose but nothing out of this world and the pacing is also fairly standard. The animal violence didn’t do the film any wonders either but even without it this just seemed like a recipe for disaster.

Overall, Fatal Attraction is definitely a reminder on how all actions have consequences. Dan thought he could hide from his but at best that will just delay the inevitable. After a while you have to own up to things although ideally in less of a theatrical fashion. At least the film had the restraint to not have anything happen to the dog or that would have definitely hurt the movie even more. As it stands, if you want a film about quality characters with a good romance then I would recommend People Will Talk a whole lot more. As I mentioned in the beginning these films are polar opposites so with as good as People Will Talk ended up being, it makes sense that this one couldn’t reach those levels.

Overall 2/10

Creepshow Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Uh oh, this time around we’ve got an anthology film. While it’s possible to have a good movie using this format it’s definitely not very likely. Creepshow proves this to be true as it ultimately flounders. The first story was easily the best one and then things began to dip from there. Most of these stories definitely end up being quite mean spirited and by the end of it you can see why parents wouldn’t have wanted their kids reading this stuff. It could certainly get intense that’s for sure.

First the film starts with a kid trying to read a copy of Creepshow but his father shows up and snatches the comic book away. He’s quite adamant about this comic being terrible and throws it in the trash outside. The kid resents this and prepares a method of revenge. This plot shows up here and there around the rest of the stories that are from the book until it returns as the closing piece of the movie. They definitely portray the Dad to be over the top mean towards the kid so he serves as the antagonist. Still, the kid’s quick method of revenge basically proves his theory correct about the comics being a bad influence as the kid heads straight to violence. It’s basically a negative cycle there with both characters making things worse.

Now as for the actual stories, the first one is about Father’s Day. There was this rich guy who was quite mean to the rest of his family so nobody liked him. Still, he was rich though so they’re all happy to at least get some money. Legends say that Bedelia murdered him but aside from the newest member of the family none of the others are too concerned. After all, it benefited them. Their immediate problem will be the fact that the father seems to have returned from the grave as a ghost to finish them all off. Personally I found this to be the most engaging story. The zombie father made for a solid antagonist. It could be a little hard to make out what he was saying at times with all of the audio mixing but he was definitely a figure to be feared. It also plays out a lot like a typical horror film as he goes around bumping off the cast one by one. It just felt like the most well developed segment in the film and also had a pretty sizable cast of memorable characters. You couldn’t really forget them even if they would meet violent ends.

Next up is more of a lowkey story. Jordy was wandering around outside when a meteor hits the area. He figures maybe he can get rich off of it but touching the meteor causes him to be infected with the plague. He is now slowly turning into a plant and there doesn’t seem to be a way out. Should he go to the doctor or will they try drastic measures on him now? This story’s a lot weaker than the first. Jordy doesn’t make for the most interesting of leads. He’s quite overdramatized in terms of being shocked at everything and not too bright. He really messed up in not going to the doctor right away. It may not have done anything but it would have been better than just staying at home and slowly dying out. It’s a pretty gruesome way to die too when you think about it as turning into a plant seems pretty tough. The story may have been pretty light and cartoony compared to the rest but the ending is still pretty dark.

The third story is about a guy named Harry who is cheating with Becky on her husband Richard. Richard definitely isn’t going to have any of this so he heads over to Harry’s place and threatens him by saying that he has Becky. Harry follows Richard and promptly buries himself in the sand. Now Harry can only watch as the tide rolls in. Richard intends to watch the two of them drown from his hotel suite thanks to a lot of cameras he has set up in the area. It should be impossible for them to escape their fates right? Well, the film definitely isn’t trying to have us like Harry or Becky much here since they were cheating on Richard from the start. Of course two wrongs don’t make a right and Richard is far more sinister than either of those two.

Harry played the situation terribly though. Even if someone’s got you at gunpoint you can’t just bury yourself in what will be a slow death. I’ve said it many times but your best bet is to make a run for the gun. If you fail then you’ll likely be shot dead but that’s far better than continuing to live in whatever torment the villain has prepared for you right? Death by drowning for example is a pretty terrible way to go. Once you’ve buried yourself there aren’t any escape options yet. You’re just doomed at that point. The story of course has a twist including more zombies. As with the first one they use some audio effects so it’s a little trickier to hear what they’re saying but the movie’s going for a watery sound as if they still are in a drowned state. It’s a pretty intense climax with an ending that has a bit of a humor feel to it.

After that we have a story about a mysterious crate that shows up. A janitor discovers this and calls the local professor Dexter to check into this. Unfortunately while Dexter suspected something normal like rocks or something would be in the crate it turns out that a monster is and it starts slaying people in the school. Dexter runs back to Henry’s to try and explain this but Henry figures he can use this to trick his wife into being murdered. He heads back into the school and prepares this trap. Will he be able to stay one step ahead of the monster or will he ultimately be ensnared as well?

This is probably the most violent story. The monster definitely doesn’t take prisoners and chomps all who oppose him. Some of the characters at least try to play it safe but others are just crazy. There’s a college student for example who shows up and handles the situation rather terribly. What did he think was going to happen here? The monster itself certainly gives the main characters a lot of space though. The whole time Henry is cleaning up around the lab the monster doesn’t make a move. Perhaps he was already full by that time and didn’t see a need to really do anything. It’s certainly convenient for Henry that this was the case. His wife Wilma was definitely something as she constantly complained about everything. Even to the end she nearly made a comeback.

Finally we had a rich guy named Mr. Pratt who takes delight in getting richer and richer. He doesn’t care how many people he has to take down so long as he can continue to rise up the ranks of society. He makes it a point to make fun of the others beneath him even if they just died. Naturally that means something’s about to happen and sure enough it does as some roaches start to appear. Their numbers begin to quickly escalate and Pratt doesn’t seem to have a way to stop them. Will the exterminators make it in time or he is doomed to be overwhelmed? You hopefully won’t mind roaches here or you’re going to be in for a very tough time. If not for the roaches basically being supernatural I have to say that Pratt was definitely well prepared. He had every anti roach item that you could think of at his disposal. He even had a lot of people on speed dial but at the end of the day they couldn’t save him. There was also the custodian who was acting pretty shady at times. I suppose the film was hinting he had something to do with this or just through Pratt’s paranoid vision that’s how it appeared to be. The ending shot was surprisingly violent with the roaches going straight for the win.

The movie has some pretty interesting scenes where it turns things into a comic book. I’d say that this was handled pretty well. The visuals were on point and the soundtrack was solid as well. Ultimately what holds this film back is what you would expect. The film can be pretty violent and also fairly mean spirited. Most of the stories are really about revenge here as the victim fulfills his fantasy of getting revenge on those who oppressed him. Most of the stories fall into that revenge fantasy category. None of the stories have happy endings although you could make the case that while they’re sad endings for the main characters most of them will have a lot of people who benefited from it.

Overall, Creepshow is about what you’d expect from an anthology. I’ll give the movie props for keeping all of the stories pretty different. You’ve definitely got horror in a lot of different ways here from zombies to supernatural insects. That said, it definitely still doesn’t work for me. It’s hard to root for some of these main characters because they become as evil as the villains they’re trying to fight. The kid from the intro/ending as well as Henry from the monster story both ultimately become villains in their quest to get revenge. At the end of the day they traded their moral high ground for a quick win. If you want to watch a classic horror title then this isn’t the one you’ll want to check out.

Overall 2/10

Bikini Beach Review


It’s time for another beach adventure. Unfortunately this one really doesn’t help the series. It’s basically the same as the last beach adventures and that’s an issue. There’s no real substance here and the movie basically brings in the same plot lines that it has been recycling over and over at this point. There’s not a lot of fresh content to be found and that’s a shame. I don’t think there’s a whole lot you could do with the premise anyway though. The beach just doesn’t make for a good backdrop in a film as it gets old pretty quick. It’s unfortunate but that’s just the way it goes.

The basic plot though is that a guy known as the Potato Bug has come into town. He wants to show everyone what true music is. Frankie still refuses to marry DeeDee so she decides to hang out with the Bug to make Frankie jealous. Meanwhile a local publisher known as Honeywagon has decided to prove that the teenagers are a menace to society. With his trained chimp he will make a monkey out of them yet. Much to the sadness of the main characters they are getting humiliated by this ape. He just seems to be smarter and faster than they are.

The film has a ton of weaknesses so let’s look at one of the few plots that actually was reasonably solid. That would be Honeywagon’s plot. He writes papers about how corrupt the teens are and you almost can’t help but root for him. The guy has a few legitimate points here because the teenagers aren’t really being all that productive. They’re just heading to the Beach and doing whatever they want for hours on end. They are always making jokes and messing with each other and they do this pretty loudly so it must be tough on the seniors. Honeywagon is proving that we have to get them off the beach and I had to agree. As the film goes on he naturally starts to weaken but even so I was rooting for the guy. I also thought he got a really good burn in when he explained that the teenagers weren’t even as smart as the monkey.

The rest of the plots aren’t very good though. For starters, the Potato Bug is portrayed to be pretty awful at just about everything. Even the singing seemed pretty bad and only half of the teenagers seemed to enjoy it. I don’t think he had much of a point in the film. He was only there to make Frankie jealous and either way that happens in pretty much every film. It’s not like it’s anything new at this point in the game. Frankie still won’t marry DeeDee no matter what tricks she pulls and she always goes back to him anyway. It’s not as tense since this always happens and Frankie has also proven that he doesn’t mind hanging out with someone while waiting for Deedee to come around.

In general I didn’t think the monkey scenes worked either. They tended to be rather boring most of the time. As always the film also suffers from a steady stream of fanservice as well. Pretty much no scene is safe from this and it ultimately takes away from the movie quite a lot. The movie starts off with a fanservice scene which sets the tone for the rest of the film. You can’t expect quality writing or pacing here either. This film feels quite long as it plays through and has virtually no replay value. There’s just not much good to be found in this film.

I guess I’ll give the climax some props here. At least we did get an extended fight scene with everyone. I could do without the chase scene but the fight itself was excellent. All of the characters got to contribute a bit with their haymaker and combos. Even Honeywagon got in on the action and seems to have some basic super strength which served him well here. Without Honeywagon the heroes may have been in trouble. The monkey also ended up helping even if that plot was always a bit cheesy. The whole film is meant to be cheesy though so that’s nothing new.

How much you enjoy the film just depends on how entertaining you find all of this. It’s got a lot of slapstick and is intentionally very over the top the whole time. The jokes are all recycled but meant to clearly still get their laughs. I like a good old fashioned comedy as much as the next guy but a film centered around the beach for laughs just idn’t going to work. What would have been interesting would have been if Honeywagon had taken the teens to court and we got some back and forth with the characters. Now that would have been pretty interesting and I dare say that it would have helped the film quite a bit. What we need is a winter version that takes place entirely in the courthouse. It would be a very different kind of film but that’s the point.

Overall. The main characters really prove Honeywagon right the whole time. All they can think about is hanging out and being at the beach. None of them are particularly serious or smart. Most of his burns land because the teens just can’t defend themselves. Some of them can’t even read because they’ve been at the beach too long fighting with gangs. If Honeywagon had ultimately won that would have been pretty cool and a great twist if you ask me. If you really love beach movies then I guess you can watch this. It’s pretty much the same as the rest of the beach films although with arguably a weaker plot than most. Really, that potato guy was just awful. Maybe that’s why the film has so many songs so you can try to forget about the story for a while. It doesn’t work though because the songs aren’t particularly good either. I’d definitely recommend taking a pass on this one.

Overall 2/10

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter Review


It’s time to look at the final chapter in the Resident Evil saga. Unfortunately it is not all that good and throws away the entire premise that the last film set up. It’s a shame because the films always tend to have pretty amazing cliffhangers and more often than not the sequels manage to capitalize on them. Unfortunately this one turned out to be an exception to that. It feels a lot like the desert film previously and not a whole lot happens. The whole first half is basically filler so once the main plot occurs we have to go at turbo speed. I feel like they just wanted to end everything so there wasn’t a whole lot of effort behind this one.

Last time Alice regained her powers and prepared to fight off the invasion of the Red Queen along with Wesker, Jill, and the U.S. Military. The final shot there was great with an epic background and guaranteed action for the next film. Unfortunately this film borderline retcons that similar to how Blade 2 retconned 1 a bit. It’s not an official retcon here of course as there are small references to how that was all a trick but it still makes no sense. So according to this film, Wesker basically brought Alice and the others over to murder them so he gave Alice a fake serum. We can assume Wesker murdered all of her friends but how did he not destroy her? Wesker has super speed and super strength enough to effortlessly dodge bullets and crush people with a single blow. The film never bothers to address this in any kind of way. I like a good mystery myself but it just made no sense and this film may as well be a reboot to be honest.

Back to the plot though, Alice is now travelling aimlessly through the desert as she fights off giant monsters. The Red Queen shows up and says that she has actually betrayed the Umbrella corporation. The villains have invented a cure to take down the zombies and it is airborne so it can cure the entire planet. It’s a lethal cure though so it’ll murder anyone who is infected and only the humans who are not tainted will survive. They mention at the beginning of the film that only 4000 or 40000 (Can’t remember which) humans are still alive so it’s not a great amount. Still, they can eventually start to regroup but Alice needs to find the cure within 48 hours or everyone will be dead. Remember this because it will be important later on. Alice will have to head back to Raccoon City to find the cure which certainly won’t be easy. Fortunately she runs into yet another resistance group who is here to help.

There sure are a ton of resistance groups since Alice finds one in every film and promptly gets just about all of them murdered. The plot is very thin here and riddled with holes. I’ll get into that in a minute so lets get the standard stuff out of the way first. First off, the film is definitely super violent as always which holds it back quite a bit. Zombie films really aren’t my thing since they’re just an excuse for the film to get as gruesome as possible since they are no longer human. There’s a lot of nonstop violence here that’s for sure. The film skips its obligatory fanservice moment this time though which I was glad about. That’s something that the films definitely did not need in the slightest.

Unfortunately with the story being the way it is it’s hard to get invested in the film as well. It’s easily the least interesting film in the series aside from the desert one. Most of the film is just Alice wandering around another desert until she makes it to the facility. Then we get some solid fights but that’s about it. The film ends and you’re wondering what the point was. It even starts to drag a bit and that’s unfortunate since the film isn’t even very long. The worst part is that it got rid of a lot of the amazing music themes that played during the previous films. Why would they get rid of the umbrella elevator theme when they actually brought the elevator back into play here? That was a huge missed opportunity.

Alice is still a great main character though. She’s very no nonsense and takes down quite a lot of zombies. Alice may have lost her powers but not her fighting abilities. The scene of her taking down a whole group while tied up upside down was really something else. It’s really not an exaggeration to say that she may be the best film heroine out there. I may even do an editorial for that at some point on top 10 female leads or something. What really helps here is her consistency. She hasn’t had a bad film and is always right up there in the thick of the action without backing down.

The rest of the cast is quite weak and to be honest they don’t get much of a role. I doubt anyone will remember the members of her squad aside from Claire who gets to return here. Claire looks decent at least but seems to vanish for almost all of the fight scenes. As for the villains, it’s hard to take Isaacs seriously. Good for him that he got super powers though but it makes his fights look even worse. You’re telling me that with bullet timing speed and super strength he seriously couldn’t beat Alice? I’m glad for the Alice hype of course but when you stop to think about it for more than a second then it really makes no sense at all. Don’t even get me started on Wesker. That guy was portrayed as being absolutely unstoppable. A pure beast of combat through and through, yet he wasn’t able to do anything in this film. The movie had absolutely no idea what to do with him considering that he only appeared for a few minutes in the entire film. Wesker also isn’t as confident as usual and is portrayed as a lackey for some reason.

Okay, so let’s talk about the plot now. At the beginning Alice mentions that there aren’t many humans left and the Red Queen confirms that within 48 hours they will all be dead. So that’s why Alice needs to grab the serum right away. Well, she does and in typical cinematic timing she does it with a few seconds left. There should only be a small handful of humans left then right? The 48 hours were basically up before the Red Queen was able to stop the zombie attack. I guess we could say that she underestimated the humans which is reasonable so there could be more left, but Alice says the cure will take years to travel the globe. Even if the Red Queen can somehow stop the zombies from attacking…which is a bit sketchy in itself, years is a long time. Realistically the human race is pretty much wiped out and that’s how the film should have ended. The Red Queen telling Alice that she is now the last survivor of the human race aside from the people present (Really just Claire) would have been a pretty powerful moment.

Then we have the fact that the villains seem desperate to destroy Alice. Again, they could have finished her at any time so why continue to let her live? Why even let her get near the facility instead of blowing it up? Since there were only minutes left and they had cameras on the heroes the whole time they could have escaped through the back as well. Having Wesker at the ready would have been good too. There are just too many reasons why Alice’s desperate assault on the base should not have worked. The writers stacked things a little too heavily against the heroes which made for a completely unbelievable scenario all the way through. I really couldn’t buy into it personally.

It’s hard to nail down exactly why the film failed on all fronts aside from what I’ve listed, but I think the final part is that it no longer felt like a Sci-Fi. The film scrubbed all sci-fi elements away from the series for some reason. We lost all of the cool themes, the great designs, and the whole atmosphere that made the series resonate as a Resident Evil title. You could have taken the name away and this had almost nothing to do with anything. Just take a look at the first scene of the last film with the excellent fight aboard the helicarrier or the climax against the cybernetically enhanced metahuman. This film had none of that and wound up being quite underwhelming.

Overall, It may feel like this was just more of the same based on the score. Admittedly it’s not like the series would drop a whole lot more because it’s already pretty low. That being said, the other films were at least very interesting and compelling. A lot of times the silver lining for me is even if a film ends up being pretty terrible I can at least be engaged the whole time. Particularly with the more intense zombie or vampire type films. This one just didn’t do it for me. The plot is about as strong as a couple of straws and the fact that the film retconned so much just felt like a really bad move for me. I just couldn’t see the film recovering from that and unsurprisingly it did not. Still, in the end if I look at the franchise as a whole I think it did a good job of adapting Resident Evil to the films. It took a lot of liberties but did construct a solid narrative. I doubt there are very many films that could come close to matching the epic cliffhangers that this series had film after film. I’m hoping the reboot will be able to match this one but as lightning only strikes once I have a hard time seeing it match this series. It’d be cool if they brought Alice back though.

Overall 2/10

Blade: Trinity Review


It’s time to look at the final Blade film. Does it end on a high note or end up disappointing? Well, it’s better than the first film but I wouldn’t say it’s as good as the second so it’s squarely in the middle. I liked that we got some more fighters this time around. It’s about time Blade had some backup. On the other hand, the plot feels pretty aimless the whole time and there isn’t much of a focus next to the first two. It feels like events just happen so Blade can go around beating people up. That’s not a bad story idea of course, but to me it felt like there wasn’t much of a plot beyond that.

So the movie starts with Blade murdering a bunch of vampires as normal. Unfortunately one of the guys he murders was just a human pretending to be a vampire. Unfortunately people see this so now the government is after him. The vampires have finally framed Blade. This lead to his capture but fortunately he is busted out by a pair of allies known as Abigail and Hannibal. They get him back to base and explain that Dracula has been resurrected. The 3 of them will need to take him out before the villains figure out the trick on how to be a day walker. This won’t exactly be the first time that Blade had to take down a powerful foe though so he’s ready for this. Blade isn’t the kind of guy who goes around losing fights after all.

I do have a bit of an issue with the opening. Blade is questioning why the guy didn’t die and is shocked to find out he wasn’t a vampire. We do have tons of familiars who are humans that Blade has been murdering throughout the films. Why is this guy any different? Seems to be like Blade is a little more surprised than he should be. Framing him would also be very easy for this same reason since he’s never cared who he murdered before. If they’re working with the villains then he ends them. End of story. That’s just how Blade works, he’s never been the kind of guy to even think about offering up some mercy. I’d be surprised if he were to stop now.

Unfortunately as part of the framing plot this does mean that Blade and Whistler spend a lot of time fighting off actual cops and government agents. You understand that they have to use some self defense, but this goes beyond that as they openly start shooting and bashing away at them. Whistler even uses a giant explosion that without a doubt murders a bunch of them. This is an ongoing trend that happens in numerous scenes. It feels like the heroes murder as many innocent people as villains in this film. It was a rather odd way to end off the trilogy. It does portray Blade as even more of a Punisher type of vigilante but I’m not sure if we needed that here. I think some of these scenes could have been cut or at least altered to show that they weren’t actually murdering anyone.

Beyond that Blade is still a solid lead though. He talks tough and is always ready to take the villains down. I like the new extended cable weapon he has since it’s very useful for taking down scores of enemies from a distance. If you ask me it’s easily one of his most useful weapons by a long shot. The Whistler gets his share of hits in as well. Without powers there isn’t a whole lot that he can do, but he’s always ready with background support. The two new characters are really the ones who are here to fight on the front lines.

First you have Hannibal who is mainly here to crack a lot of jokes. Apparently he used to be a vampire and got cured which is neat but it wouldn’t have made any difference if he wasn’t. This tidbit of knowledge doesn’t matter in the slightest. He manages to get a big win near the end although I can’t say it feels deserved since he should have lost that round. I found him to be a reasonably entertaining character although it would have been nice if he were a little stronger. Then you have Abigail who has an excellent opening scene and continues to look good throughout the film. She’s a solid hand to hand fighter and uses a crossbow that can even light up and burn opponents to death.

Blade finally has an ally who can really fight alongside him. She isn’t a vampire so she has no super abilities but her close quarter combat skills are enough for her to take multiple opponents down so that’s quite impressive in itself. She’s a big reason as to why the setup of Blade having allies worked. If both of them were comic relief it would have been a little pointless. As it stands, she can only continue to get better and better as she fights along with Blade and a fourth film with them would have been interesting.

As with the earlier films the fight scenes are really solid here. We get quite a few good battles and this time each character gets their own fight. This leads to a pretty wide variety of battles. Blade tends to have the best ones, but as mentioned Abigail’s was solid as well. Dracula’s battle with Blade is a highlight and we got a lot of back and forth there. Dracula’s character itself wasn’t amazing though. He spends his first fight scene running which is pretty odd for a guy who prides himself on being the King. You’d think that he would welcome a challenge right off the bat. I suppose vampires just can’t help but fear Blade.

As always the graphics are really solid here. The effects are on point and the soundtrack is also great. We get the classic rock themes that you always want to see. For the negatives, it’s really the same as always. The film’s pretty violent with everyone getting bumped off. There’s a lot of blood draining going on for sure. We also add a new wrinkle as we see dog vampires that end up getting bumped off. It was so completely unnecessary. The instant I saw the dog appear I knew the film was setting itself up for a fall. I’ll give the movie props for not having them die on screen but it’s of little comfort. The film would have lost at least a star if that had happened and if it lost 2 there wouldn’t have been any lower for it to go. The writing isn’t the best here, but it could be worse. At least the script tried being a little different from the previous ones.

Overall, Blade 3 had some good ideas but also faltered in others. On one hand it was nice to see Blade having some young allies who could actually fight alongside him and weren’t evil. The soundtrack continued to be really good too and amplify the fights. On the other hand, the film is as excessively violent as always and this time there were even animals. Additionally the plot itself felt the weakest. After Dracula resurrects and the heroes have their opening fights it feels like the film stagnates for a while until we get to the climax. It didn’t feel like the pacing was quite as tight as the last two films. I’ll give the 3 films this, they were all pretty consistent and roughly on the same level as each other. That may not have been a good thing for their score, but you can’t win em all.

Overall 2/10

Blade II Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such.

It’s time to look at the sequel to the original Blade film. This time we’ve got him in an actual group so you can expect some of the other characters to get big fight scenes as well. I’d definitely say that this one improves upon the original for me. It’s not by a whole lot as there’s only so much you can do with a gritty vampire film. Still, I’ll take any improvement I can get and we got more special effects with the fight scenes so get ready for some sped up superhero action!

The movie starts off by slightly retconning the ending to the first one. Despite being in a near death state and then shooting himself, The Whistler managed to survive somehow and the vampires have kept him alive for kicks. Blade finds out and frees him. Shortly afterwards Blade is attacked by a pair of vampire ninjas who reveal that they have come to ask for his help. There are a few super vampires running around that are immune to silver and garlic. Defeating them will be nearly impossible without Blade. To this end, they will make him leader of the Bloodhounds which is an elite fighting force that was originally meant to destroy Blade. This is a fragile alliance at best, but Blade figures he should take down the super vampires so they team up. Are the vampires hiding something from him?

There’s definitely a lot of action in this film and the choreography is on point. Blade has definitely nailed the whole “slow walk towards the villains” routine as this point since he does it so often. I do have to give the films a lot of credit for how smooth his outfit looks. It’s very accurate to the comics and honestly it looks pretty crisp. Whenever Blade shows up you know he’s about to take down a lot of monsters. Those fights are always a lot of fun and accompanied by solid rock songs. The Blade series has had a pretty dynamite list of songs and this one is no different. I miss the early 2000s rock that we used to get for the various fight scenes. It still happens sometimes but it is certainly a lot more rare.

The special effects have also improved since the first film. I already spoke about the fight scenes but even the vampires getting blasted away. It’s all pretty neat. My favorite fight in the film was Blade against the two Ninjas. It’s an example of solid choreography with some back and forth action compared to Blade just absolutely dominating the random minions who can’t fight back. Those fights tend to be pretty fun as well but you really can’t compare the two. An even match like this ends up being quite satisfying even if surprisingly Blade may have lost. It depends on how fast he regenerates since his hit would presumably be fatal since it was silver and the ninja attack wouldn’t be, but it would have been a clean shot that could be fatal anyway.

The plot of having to team up with the villains is also pretty interesting. It’s always a very tricky dynamic trying to work with someone who could back stab you at any point. I also like that Blade keeps the upper hand for most of these interactions. He humiliates one of the vampires when they start getting smart and throughout calls all of the shots. Whenever they point a gun at Blade he does the same to them. The early banter are some of the best parts of the film. I consider the plot to be a little more interesting than the first film’s as well. It does have the benefit of being a sequel so we already know the characters.

Now to the negatives which are effectively the same as the first film. For starters the film is incredibly violent. We see a lot of characters get drained and murdered by the vampires. Characters are stabbed and tortured as well. The violence never really ends in these films which can be a drag. It takes away from the moments of the film that actually are good. I have to say that the opening of the film makes everyone look bad no matter how you look at it. It feels like the guy is a bit of a sucker when he’s being led down a series of halls into a locked room with suspect characters. I don’t remember the place looking so shady when donating blood. I get that this is a special place but even so it was obvious that it was a trap. Then it makes the trappers look bad since this is way too obvious. Anyone who is “caught” in the trap is suspect themselves so it was never going to end well for someone.

The writing is okay. There’s quite a bit of language that this version fortunately skips which does help to a degree. It still seems to be a bit of a crutch for the writers. I also have to dock some logic points for how they don’t even bother trying to explain why Whistler survived. There’s just no way he would have lived through what happened and as hard as the film tries to do so, there’s no way they can explain it. I suspect that’s why they don’t even bother. I don’t even see why the plot needed to be brought back since Whistler doesn’t even do a whole lot during the film. Him leaving his post at one point was also an odd red herring. Why not bring your communicator for when your partners are being bumped off?

Overall, Blade II brings in a more interesting plot as well as better fight scenes than the first film. This does result in a better experience for me. That being said, it still can’t shed the vampire roots of the film. I don’t see how the films can get much higher without toning that aspect down a bit. The violence can be quite excessive. Even though none of the vampire members were particularly likable it was still pretty neat to have a whole group structure. It’s probably the closest we’ll see of Blade on a team for quite a while. Ultimately I could see him getting a new movie or show at some point though. If you really like vampire films then you should check this one out I guess since it delivers on what you’d expect with everyone getting bumped off in gruesome ways left and right. On the other hand you can definitely do better.

Overall 2/10

Séance on a Wet Afternoon Review


It’s time to look at an old film about a couple of insane people trying to see what’s worse, being an insane criminal or being a gutless accomplice. The two of them duke it out for the whole film on which character is worse. For my money I’m going with the accomplice because at least the villain is straight forward with this. The accomplice is always offering some justifications and half heartedly saying they should stop. This is definitely a film that drags on for quite a bit so be prepared.

The movie starts with Myra hosting another seance with a group of her friends. Afterwards she tells Billy that it’s time to enact their plan. They’re going to kidnap a kid and will hold her for ransom for a while. Once the cops are unable to turn up any leads she will use her fake psychic powers to tell them where the kid is. At that point she will be rich and famous just like she’s always wanted. Her husband Billy is less sure of the plan but he’s not even sure of his own sanity so Myra sends him to get the job done. Kidnapping the girl is criminally easy because everyone is negligent in this film so once they have the girl Myra gets her plan into action. The only tricky part is that aside from every part of the plan being pretty insane Myra’s own fragile psyche is getting worse and worse. Soon she may not even be able to speak rationally.

Obviously I don’t have a whole lot of respect for these two characters. Myra is portrayed as insane from the start and is just super lucky that she has Billy here. He does whatever she said. Even when she turns off the music and Billy sees her do it, she just says that he did and he accepts this. Billy accepts whatever Myra says to pretty crazy degrees. The whole opening scenes are basically just Myra making a long speech and doing whatever she wants and telling Billy he better agree to it. These scenes are a chore to get through in part because of her but definitely because of Billy.

Billy is one of the most annoying characters in a while because the guy just acts defeated in every single scene. He somehow is able to pull off the kidnapping and stealing the money despite all of this which is a stretch. What kind of designated driver for a super rich family just leaves the car alone and unlocked with the key in the ignition when a stranger is there? The whole thing was super suspect and he should have taken the kid with him. Billy had no real backup plan either so the whole thing was based on a lot of luck.

The villains are also asking to be foiled the whole time by doing things like having a seance with one of the parents while the kid is right upstairs. The room also didn’t seem very sound proof either and the kid should have done something. That would have been a tougher spot but yelling a bit would be ideal. The only good characters here are the parents. I’m glad that the father wasn’t falling for the supernatural nonsense. The Mom gave the main characters a little more of a chance and got pretty emotional but I won’t blame her either since the situation is so intense.

Going back to the plan though, even if Myra did use her “abilities” to find the kid it’s not like the cops would believe her. That would just throw even more suspicion on Myra being the one to kidnap her since she was already making that point pretty obvious early on. At the end Myra even wants to murder the kid and that would really seal her fate. That’s the thing with having main characters like this though, it’s never going to make sense in the end.

Ultimately the film doesn’t go for the ultimate grim ending which is good because that would have been an easy way to hit 0. The ending isn’t bad but it doesn’t help the rest of the film. The whole scene of Myra cracking in the climax as she talks to herself goes on for a very long time and it’s all nonsense so you wish the film would just gloss over it. Since we know she is crazy from the jump I think it’s fair for us to just skip the scenes entirely. You already get the point of the film. The cops did good even if the one detective should have been more confident. I liked the code of how they would pretend to be talking about a car radio while trying to identify Billy as the thief from earlier. The detectives did a lot of beating around the bush and passive aggressive talk but at the end of the day they got the job done and that’s what counts.

Overall, This is definitely a movie that I would advise you to avoid. There’s really nothing positive to say about it. The whole movie is very slow and the main problem here is that all of the focus is on the main two characters and they’re not likable in the slightest. They’re just petty criminals who are also insane and I think it’s pretty much impossible to have a quality film about such leads. The film should have been from the focus of the detective or the cops. That would have made for a much more interesting story at least and the film would have been better off with that change.

Overall 2/10

Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark Review


It’s time to look at a fairly recent horror film. You’ll probably remember hearing the name from a while back even if the film was pretty quiet once it came out. I remember thinking the trailer didn’t look so good and the film follows suit. It does its best to be pretty edgy and give you some stories that are both dark and gross, but the end result is a mess that I can’t recommend. It’s not the worst horror film that I’ve seen, but it’s about average for the genre. Average for a horror film is not very good overall.

The film starts with a group of teens deciding to get revenge on the school bully. For years he has tormented them quite a lot and so this Halloween they are going to load their treat bucket with things other than treats. When Tommy steals it they realize that they didn’t have much of a plan beyond that. They meet up with a guy named Ramon and then the whole crew gets locked by the bully inside a haunted house. There Stella finds a mysterious book that was written by the girl who used to live here before everyone got murdered. Now the book is writing a new story every night and the person whose name is on the page dies a gruesome death. Can Stella break the curse or are all of her friends about to be destroyed?

It’s a pretty standard horror plot. When you awaken an evil being from the past she always tries to murder everyone. The nice ghosts never come out to play, but I suppose it’s because they are always willing to move on. The main characters definitely aren’t the most sympathetic figures around though. Their whole intro is about getting revenge on Tommy and two wrongs never make a right. Additionally the film does its best to make each character as unlikable as possible. Auggie is always insulting his sister and Chuck can’t help but stare at her through the window. Stella is ultra goth and loves talking about all these gruesome murders that used to occur. Naturally the group would awaken a monster by breaking into a house and reading a book they shouldn’t have. The whole thing started because they broke the law and busted in the house after all.

The characters never really improve. Chuck is pretty bad from start to finish. He panics quite a lot and quickly makes all of the wrong moves possible. Ditching the other main characters to run on his own is one of the worst things you can do when someone is bumping people off one at a time. If you’re with someone else then usually you’re at least a little safer. I’d make the case that his death did break the rule of each character being murdered at night though, but why should villains follow the rules right? His murder is probably the most interesting one though and easily had the best visuals. The monster who got him looked like a legitimate video game character and was also one of the toughest dilemmas to get out of. Since this villain controlled space and time there isn’t much you can do. Certainly one of the scariest hugs I’ve seen in a while.

Then we have Auggie who is also pretty bad. He’s shown to be way too desperate the whole time and only slightly more mature than Chuck. His death was pretty awful in part because Auggie was given every opportunity to escape. It’s one of those scenes that exposes the film’s writing and nothing in the scene makes sense. Auggie knows that the story is about eating a toe and the heroes keep telling him not to eat the stew, but he does anyway. He doesn’t even look before taking a bite. The scene was terrible in every way possible and it’s just hard to have more sympathy for him at this point because it’s like he wanted the monster to show up. How do you still eat the stew even when everyone told you not to do so at least a dozen times? He hides under the bed and closes his eyes so afterwards he doesn’t know where the villain is. Great…

Stella at least has an origin story to explain why she is so into murder. Something happened with her Mom a while back which messed her up and with these murders being activated by her she is not taking things so well. Still, she’s just not much of a fun character and is hanging out with a pretty bad crowd. Getting knocked into the parallel dimension didn’t do wonders for her. By virtue of being the main character she does get a lot to do and is better than her two sidekicks but never really made it into the next tier of being a solid lead.

The best character in the film is easily Ramon. He’s actually a quality character who is trying to get out of the town without getting into trouble. He’s in the wrong town for that though and you feel bad for him when the characters jump into his car and get him into trouble. Ramon can take care of himself pretty well but there’s not much you can do against super powered monsters. He still lasts for quite a while on his own though. His backstory is also pretty sympathetic since it’s hard to do something when there’s a good chance you’ll be murdered. At least his decisions actually made a lot of sense from start to finish.

While this movie isn’t an anthology you could say that the murders follow that style. Each murder is pretty different as everyone faces a different kind of threat. The hug one was pretty cool and the Scarecrow was also intense. The guy probably could have handled the situation a little better but it was another reality warping kind of threat so ultimately it would all be futile. You still shouldn’t trip so often though. The guy was drunk which didn’t help matters for him. The monster under the bed was pretty hype as well.

The spiders was definitely the worst one though. That one’s more gross than scary with spiders that defy logic. I’d argue that it was probably the most vicious way to go with the hug being the easiest since it didn’t look particularly painful or anything. The film did seem to like its more gross plots though like the toe and the bag or stuff that the heroes used early on. The scenes are brief but don’t really help its case. The film couldn’t resist and gets quite dark by the end with the backstory of the villain who is murdering everyone. We get a pretty long torture scene which is always a quick way to lose a lot of points. I feel like almost every horror film has a backstory for how the villain became all powerful and it’s always completely unnecessary. Keeping that out of things would have been good. The film should have focused on the old lady and the dog more although of course that’s always risky. The film actually did good in not letting the dog get destroyed in this film. I was pretty worried about that for a while there.

The film tries to have an emotional subplot with Stella’s Dad. He doesn’t get to appear much but he seems like a good guy. He gives her a lot of good advice throughout the film like not going outside after dark but she never listens. It’s a pretty tough situation for him too. He’s not handling it perfectly but he’s trying. It’s a plot that largely gets pushed to the side though as the movie has no real time for it. In theory a sequel would explore this more based on the ending although that doesn’t seem like it’s likely to happen. I also think a sequel wouldn’t be needed if Stella had just written a few more lines. I can’t say much more than that for spoiler reasons but if you watch the film you’ll see what I mean.

Overall, Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark is basically your average horror film. I’d say that it has above average graphics as some of the monsters were pretty good. It’s still held back by the usual elements though like some overly dark details and terrible writing. The characters really could have played things out a lot better than they did to the point where it was almost like a parody at times. It’s all played deadly serious though so hopefully the writers were self-aware but it’s really hard to say. If you like horror films then you’ll probably enjoy this one, otherwise I’d recommend going back and watching some Scooby Doo features instead.

Overall 2/10

The Woman Who Wouldn’t Die Review


It’s time to look at an old film that is pretty bad right out of the gate. The plot itself will let you know that this is a movie that’s not going to be very good. If you don’t know the plot then I suppose you wouldn’t know what you’re getting yourself into since the title isn’t half bad. While the actual “wouldn’t die” part of the film is a little interesting, it’s too little too late to save this horrible movie.

The film starts off by introducing us to Raymond and his wife Ellen. Nobody seems to like Ellen. While she is a rich lady who has built a great empire, she did it by being rather ruthless. Her top worker Richard wants to destroy her, but he can’t think of a way to do it without going to jail. Meanwhile Raymond no longer likes Ellen all that much, but she’s rich so that’s reason enough for him to stick around. One day their niece Alice shows up and Raymond decides that he wants to be with her instead of Ellen. Looks like he’ll need to team up with Richard to bump her off. Ellen has mystical trances though so is it possible that her spirit will avenge her?

No matter how you slice it, the romance between Raymond and his niece Alice is trash. That’s the kind of plot we really never need to see in a film. It’s so far beyond the pale that it dooms the film to a low score immediately. There is literally nothing that can save the film from this. Even if they do some kind of twist where they are not related it doesn’t change the fact that he wouldn’t have known that so the film is finished. It puts a sour spin on the film and that’s not even counting the fact that Raymond is a terrible main character.

There can be no excuses for cheating on your wife. Once you marry and commit to the vows then that’s the end of that. If he has any regrets then too bad, but he’ll have to live with them. There is no way to root for Raymond and it’s always hard for a film to succeed with a main character like that. Any scene with him on screen is one scene too many. You’re just waiting for him to ideally get bumped off at the end of the movie. That being said, the way his character arc ends is incredibly convenient to the point where it isn’t even remotely believable. It’s the kind of thing that simply wouldn’t happen in real life. There’s just no way.

Meanwhile Alice is no saint either. Both parties are complicit when it comes to cheating particularly since she knows what is going on. She’s almost as bad as Raymond in that sense. It’s really showing that neither one of them had a lot of respect for Ellen. Ellen’s the only character to reasonably root for in this film. Everyone is ganging up on her so you hope that she’ll find some way to tip the scales. She is super old though which doesn’t help matters. Nor does the fact that she is constantly plagued by powerful pain spasms where she can’t even move. That’s very dangerous when you’re in a place where everyone wants to bump you off.

Then you have Richard who you know is a villain from the start when he casually talks about getting rid of Ellen. The fact that Raymond just sits there and lets him say all those things also shows how Raymond’s going to turn out. In general this is just a very mean spirited film the more you think about it. One example of this is the nice actress who ends up getting manipulated by the villains and then meets a fiery ending. She literally only appears to quickly get murdered here. All of the characters who are left are really bad and so there is nobody to root for. You certainly aren’t going to feel bad for the main characters when things go sideways. There’s no fun to be had in this film. The romance is just so bad that it can’t be overstated. Since that’s the main premise here it means that you’ll be cringing the whole time.

At least the movie isn’t particularly long. You’ll be done with it before long. If anything the tag-line/altered title ends up spoiling most of the film since the death takes quite a long while to happen. I always do wonder where people put the cut-off for spoilers. See, I’d consider the title to be a spoiler in this case. In general I never mind spoilers as you’ll see what happens sooner or later, but for people who don’t like to be spoiled I’d say that the title gives a whole lot away. Maybe it was the only way to sell tickets. In some cases you’ve just gotta do what you gotta do I suppose.

Overall, I highly recommend sticking away from this film. It’s a movie all about betrayal and deception but not handled in a good way at all. The ending happens in the one way that this plan could ever work which is extremely convenient and not believable in the slightest. At least the ending gives us some hope that the villains will end up paying for their crimes. It’s a very open ended kind of finale where you can really decide for yourself what happens. I’d make the case that there is enough evidence here for the cops to be able to claim the win, but different people will likely come up with different verdicts.

Overall 2/10