It’s time for another James Bond adventure and unfortunately this is one of his weakest. As always it does have a ton of problems like with the fanservice and Bond being a terrible main character but I dare say it falls into the traps even more than the others. It’s fairly close I suppose since the films are known for this but there’s just not enough time to have fun on the proper spy stuff. At least I can take solace in the fact that Bond looks like a chump for most of the film.

The exception is the intro scene as we see Bond systematically murdering everyone who works for Blofeld and getting on his trail. This climaxes with Bond murdering some of the henchmen and even Blofeld himself. Now he is ready for his next mission involving a bunch of diamonds that are being smuggled around the planet. There is something going on here and meanwhile we have two assassins who are murdering anyone who has even come into contact with them. Will Bond be able to stop them?

So lets get the obvious negatives out of the way first. The film is loaded to the brim with fanservice in just about every scene. The whole opening credits have a lot of this as expected and then you’ve got a bunch of different heroines running around here. You figured that Bond might tone things down after he got married but that’s not the case. Instead he is back to his old ways completely. So much for becoming a loyal guy. This is why it’s always hard to root for James Bond.

He’s living the fantasy all right, but that’s usually the villain’s job. Then Bond does look really bad on several occasions. The worst is when he let his guard down around the diamonds and got thrown into a coffin to be cremated. He had to be saved there since he was really about to die. Then later on he is knocked out again after walking into the most obvious trap of all time and is only saved by the villains’ ineptitude. Bond doesn’t feel like an ultimate secret agent with how many times he messes up.

I know that he’s only human and can’t be expected to be perfect but I also expect him to be putting up some real fights. For example at one point Blofeld has him at gun point and tells Bond to walk into a mysterious room. Bond does, where he gets knocked out but why do that? Take your chance and rush at Blofeld because the room would obviously be an instant death otherwise. It’s why in real life if someone tells you to get inside a car at gunpoint you make a break for it. Because going in the car will just be a more painful death or something worse, whereas if you mess up on the run, at least you’ll be dead quickly from the bullet. It’s not guaranteed but your odds are absolutely better.

So Bond loses all of the goodwill that he got during the opening scene which is a shame. At best it can be morbidly humorous to see him flipping the script on some of the ladies who seduce him by having his fun and then just lying afterwards. Why they would actually believe him is something I’m still wondering. They’re all just real desperate I suppose. Also it’s worth noting that Bond was getting absolutely crushed by two ladies in the climax which was another embarrassing moment for him. One of them had a super long wind up to her big attack and he still took the whole thing to the face. Definitely a low moment in his career.

It was fun to see Blofeld getting more of a role here though. His plans may not always be all that great and he is wildly overconfident but after so many films of being in the shadows, it was great to see him take center stage. His body doubles were also pretty fun. The way he goes out is perhaps not the dignified ending people would expect but these villains often do have a way of crumbling as soon as the going gets tough. It’s a tale as old as time.

Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd are two villains who get old really fast though. I was actually annoyed at how much screentime they got and how often they kept getting the best of Bond. It’s not even like they’re super tough but Bond just forgets to take anything seriously half the time. We got the whole book-end scene with Bond’s wine knowledge coming into play but you mean to tell me that he was otherwise going to start eating/drinking a meal from room service that he didn’t order? I swear Bond has absolutely no survival sense whatsoever. He gets lucky so many times because he should be dead over 10 times in this film alone. Kidd and Wint just have the charisma of a stick of butter and that weakens the whole assassination plot.

Tiffany is the main heroine out of all the heroines but I can’t say that she’s very good at all. She is ready to help out by the end of the film but also makes a ton of mistakes the whole time and comes off as way too easy. Tiffany shouldn’t be degrading herself to be with a man like Bond that doesn’t even care about her. I won’t fault her for messing up by switching the discs though because from her point of view that actually made a lot of sense. If anything it’s impressive that she was able to switch it out without alerting anybody. She wasn’t so lucky a second time but the attempt was worthwhile.

The fights we do get are pretty fun here. There is a solid amount of action throughout the two hours and some good physical stunts as well. That’s why the Bond films tend to be tragic. The action that we do get is very sound and the plot is engaging if not a little overly convoluted. The diamonds switch hands so often that you start to lose interest after a point. I dare say that the film did as well because it doesn’t really factor into the space laser all that much. I think it may have doubled as a power source or something but yeah it wasn’t super focused.

Overall, This is definitely a James Bond film. It is quite direct about what the appeals of the film are meant to be and unfortunately they haven’t aged well. I like a good ole power fantasy as much as the next guy but Bond is really a different kind of fantasy and it doesn’t make him look particularly likable. The films would eventually improve once we got to the newer ones but this was a real low point in the franchise. You should skip this one as quickly as possible and just go with a different Bond adventure.

Overall 2/10