This has to be one of the weirdest films I’ve ever seen. The tone is absolutely all over the place, the soundtrack has 0 consistency, the plot is super convoluted with a ton of twists, the main character looks like Vince from WWE, there are tons of crazy facial expressions, we have a surprising amount of world building for no reason, and there is even some sequel bait. This film just could not calm down and while it starts to get a bit tiring by the second half, I just have to appreciate the ambition. I actually think there was a ton of creativity here and a whole lot of possibilities to make this into a great film. It couldn’t quite get there and I have my share of issues but it was better than I was expecting.

So the movie starts off with Mark at the bar having a bunch of drinks when a beautiful lady shows up and asks for one of the men to escort her to the car. Specifically she only wants one of the guys so Mark goes back to his drink wishing that he was selected. He would quickly change his tune though as they hear yelling and when he heads outside, the guy has been murdered and the lady is nowhere to be seen. It turns out that her name is Valerie and now she is a suspect in the murder. Mark is hired by a lady named Leigh who explains that she was the guy’s girlfriend. The police suspect that she is behind this because her excuse of not showing up to meet her boyfriend as planned was one of the flimsiest that we’ve heard. Basically the rain was too hard. Mark decides to take up the case and he’s about to fall into a whole conspiracy of craziness.

Okay so the first thing that will stand out here is the strong soundtrack. You have a lot of really fast paced jingles and the movie is generally going for a very energetic vibe. Things are just popping and it really doesn’t match the scary vibe the movie is going for. Yeah sometimes the film will get a little quiet and it will try to get ominous but by then it’s just way too late. I liked the music though, it may not be all that fitting most of the time but it does liven things up which is always cool.

Then Mark also has a ton of facial expressions all the time with a bunch of zoom ins here and there. He is visibly shocked by just about everything and doesn’t even know the basics about spiders. This guy doesn’t seem like he would be a particularly good detective and I can imagine him getting emotionally involved with all of his clients. He seemed a little too eager to take up Leigh’s offer after all and then later on he starts to get a bit jealous at the dance. He doesn’t strike me as a very upstanding guy and is someone you’d probably be better off avoiding the whole time.

Still, he does have that obnoxious kind of personality that lets him strong arm anyone who gets in his way. He has a lot of connections and even members of the cops are ready to help him. We learn about the women who are able to turn into spiders and have super abilities among other such legends. He is really hard pressed to believe any of it for a good while but finally comes around after the proof is truly undeniable.

I liked the chief of police, Gully. Yeah he doesn’t always make the best decisions and probably keeps the situation a little too tight lipped but what I can respect about him is that he doesn’t back down. Mark can bully most of the side characters along to his whims but not this guy. No sirrrrr, Gully is here for the long haul and gets the final say. That’s the kind of guy you want in charge of the investigation.

Now, another area I have to give the film props in is with the subplot at the house where you have Laura and a kid. This plot randomly showed up near the beginning of the movie and had nothing to do with anything. Then wayyyyy later on it returns and still seems to be out of place. They’re talking about secrets, Leigh is involved, etc. It’s only by the end where we get a machine gun styled swarm of twist after twist. The plots end up converging but it took so long that I actually started to think that the film forgot about it. Yeah that would be crazy but I did start to really consider it.

Honestly, the film would be better off without any of that anyway. It’s the weakest part of the film by far. I preferred to have this mysterious lady going around bumping men off for rejecting her. That’s a much scarier premise than having all the family drama and learning everything about the past. I don’t want to know more about the character, I want to just focus on how to stop her. We have this one guy who easily seduces the lady and every scene with him is absolutely painful. You’re just rooting for someone to transform into a spider and eat him already.

Also the film gets some kudos for having the first guys to actually have some class. It feels like in almost every film, the guy will buckle immediately if a pretty woman so much as talks to him. Doesn’t matter if he’s married or engaged, he just starts blubbering like a fool and cheats immediately. Not the case this time! The first two girls actually turn Valerie down which is why they are absolutely crushed. I appreciated the resolve there. Would have been nice if they could fight too but let me not get greedy. It was just a nice change of pace to see.

Also this is a better vampire film than most vampire titles and that’s even without having any kind of vampire in it. We still had the blood sucking but it was generally not on screen and the way it was handled with the tendrils was way better than biting the neck. Spiders just have a more pleasant way of going about things.

Overall, Curse of the Black Widow is an absolutely wild ride. It’s crazy just how much is going on and it’s all so rapid. Even with that, the second half does drag on a bit with all the exposition and twists. I super did not care about anything that was happening there and wanted to go back to the mystery. That’s what they should have focused on and the movie would have been better off for it. At the end of the day I wouldn’t recommend the film, it made too many mistakes. Still, it was considerably better than I expected and you see so many missed opportunities that it hurts, but you can feel the ambition. The movie took a wide swing and while it missed, it was a fair effort.

Overall 4/10