What if I told you that there was a film out there that was trying to be the next Lord of the Rings? And what if I told you that the film…succeeded? That was definitely the biggest fear imaginable and unfortunately this one pulled off what I didn’t think was possible. This film is 2 hours of nothing as the film desperately tries to bore you out of your mind. The romance, the adventure, the characters, it brought tears to me eyes. It was just so….bad! You’ll be guaranteed to fall asleep while watching this movie and it’s like you just warped ahead 2 hours in time. It’s absolutely crazy.

So the film starts off with one of those opening messages about how there is a prophecy that has scared the ruling class and so all of the babies have to be inspected to make sure they don’t have a special mark. Naturally the villains fumble the bag here so the baby is taken away and found by a group of Dwarves. Most of them are too scared to really do anything and would be quick to abandon her. Even Willow himself is skeptical but he is convinced by his wife to help out. The mage of the land even assigns Willow on a special mission to go and help her out but he has to bring along the classroom bully who would love to get out of there at his first chance. Can they really keep the baby alive?

The film was already at a disadvantage with the whole fantasy setting if we’re being honest here. I already don’t like this kind of old school setting and this is as old as it gets. We’re talking lots of trees and forests and everyone is super poor with no civilization in sight. The magic we’re shown here tends to be rather ordinary stuff and nothing too fancy.

There is nothing fantastic or really interesting about the world. It’s the kind of world that may have a ton of supernatural elements so you never mistake it for the real world and yet it doesn’t do anything exciting with it. For every decent monster design like a two headed worm/dinosaur type thing, you have a bunch of mini humans and talking animals. This is not a film where you will be remembering much and even the strongest beasts tend to go down against normal arrows. When you’re losing to arrows…that is a terrible look. I can’t mince words here, that is a horrible look. You can’t afford to lose to that.

Willow isn’t really much of a great character. For starters he’s not very brave and his magic is no good. Yes, character arcs and such but he needed a stronger beginning for that. The baby is naturally around a whole lot but she’s a baby so it’s not like she can really do anything you know. Then we have the swordsman Madmartigan, who has a cool name but that’s about the only good thing about the guy. He’s absolutely ready to hightail it and run for a while there before eventually coming to the light. He’s the character who is meant to give us the snappy dialogue and bring the comedy up a notch but he doesn’t really have anyone to banter with so that doesn’t work out very well at all.

You definitely see how the film was trying to capitalize on the Hobbit by having the main characters all be like that but it’s just being a copycat without adding anything to the idea. Also, it’s copying a character that I never even liked which doesn’t help matters there. Okay, there still has to be some redeeming quality to the film right? Soundtrack’s out since that was fairly dull but I can at least give a slight thumbs up to the special effects. I liked the skull mask for one of the villains and the two headed monster didn’t look bad. All in all, the effects did their job so I can’t really find any faults with them there.

You’ve got some romance here but even aside from the love potion beginning, it’s just not very strong. Now we do have an extensive climax where the crew are fighting for at least 30 minutes or so. It’s actually a considerable length all the way and we get a lot of action so that’s good…right? I mean it beats the rest of the film but it’s been a while since I’ve seen such a boring action scene either. It goes back to the fantasy element here as even the sword fighting feels very old school. I think it’s because they’re trying to film this like a real sword fight so it comes across like two guys dueling at a tournament. It doesn’t feel very powerful or fast on either end.

That’s a problem and of course the second is that we still don’t really care about any of the characters by this point. Why should we right? They haven’t done anything to show us that we should care about them and that’s a big issue. The villains are also fairly generic as well which is one angle where the film could have tried to take things to the next level but ultimately fell short.

So there really isn’t much to say about the film. The characters aren’t funny and the plot isn’t engaging. You’ll have to really focus to try and stay awake during this title and the long length won’t help matters there. I need a name for this sub genre of fantasy that is going for hyper realism even while having supernatural elements. Because I do like a good fantasy but it has to be bright and vibrant. I want everything to be really smooth, shiny, and just feel like an awesome otherworld. If it’s beat up or too realistic then it just doesn’t have the same impact to it and ultimately ends up falling short.

Overall, Willow is definitely not the film that will change the fantasy genre as we know it. I still think the craziest part of the film is how we have a long action scene for the climax and yet it never manages to be particularly exciting. It’s a lot like Lord of the Rings in that sense so the parallels continue. Ultimately your best bet is to stay far away from this film. It’s one of those fantasy titles that just brings the worst parts of the genre and doesn’t really tackle its strengths. Better luck next time I suppose. I have to assume that the sequel TV show will be at least a little better…I would hope at least.

Overall 2/10