Category Archives: 3 Star Movies

Captive State Review

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“What is the point of the movie Captive State?” When you google the name of the movie that’s the first result which I found to be pretty funny. The setup for the movie is actually pretty great, the premise holds all kind of potential but unfortunately the movie completely squanders it. I actually think the concept makes the most amount of sense for a TV show because there’s so much to cover. Way too much for a single movie and so this one skips all of the interesting moments and lags on the boring ones. As a result it is impressively bad at squandering all of the potential here. Definitely not what you were hoping for here.

So the movie starts off rather boldly with a few minutes of text setting the stage. In 2019 a bunch of aliens show up to take over the planet. Humanity falls rather easily and by 2027 we have completely submitted to their will. We now willingly work as slaves for the aliens and allow them to deport us off planet to be exterminated and generally get wrecked by them on a day to day basis. The wealth gap has grown even further and there just isn’t a great amount of resistance anymore. There are resistance groups to be sure but every country around the world has openly submitted to the aliens.

This brings us to the main character Gabriel who is a part of one of the resistance groups. He doesn’t particularly love their chances though and is ready to just run out of there. His brother Rafe is a lot more determined to see this through though. The resistance has been building up a huge plan for quite a while. Their creed/motto is “Light a match, ignite a war” with the idea being that if you can destroy at least one alien base it will encourage other humans to start fighting back as well. The tricky part is of course that the bases are guarded extremely well and you can’t really communicate online anymore. The aliens have taken everything over and all cities are under martial law so you have to be incredibly careful. You can’t even trust anyone since most work for the aliens. Can these guys really stop the aliens or is it all over?

So one of my main problems here is naturally the beginning of the film. Earth just kneeled to the aliens so quickly? I can’t picture it. The whole reason why countries around the world have enough nukes to take out the planet hundreds of times over is to prevent them from being taken over. It’s why you will likely not see any first world country like the US, Russia, or Europe be taken over within our lifetimes. We’d sooner press the button and send everyone out of this life than take the loss. In a case like this where the whole world is under attack then that becomes even more likely since at least someone would have made that call.

Now if the modern day had shown the whole world in ruins then that would be one thing but it’s not. The world is clearly a little more desolate but we still have all the news channels and things look pretty high tech. You could say that the aliens rebuilt the world but that’s never even remotely hinted at so I personally doubt it. It looks to me like we just put up basic resistance and got wrecked without trying anything too extreme. The film really needed to show us more of the aliens’ capabilities to make this work.

Perhaps they hit the planet with a giant EMP that disabled all of the nukes or something like that. We got to see that they are immune to basic guns and stuff but it’s not like that’s super impressive. We needed to see a lot more of them but unfortunately this isn’t that kind of film. There are a few action scenes but really not as many as you would expect. We never get any great shots of the aliens as they’re always hidden in the shadows or mostly kept out of view. This is where a bit more of a budget could have helped the movie. We really should have seen the aliens more.

This isn’t your traditional alien invasion film because the whole alien invasion is skipped. Because of that big time skip at the middle we jump into the film when the humans have already lost. The main problem with this is…the movie’s pretty boring. There’s a ton of strategizing that doesn’t really go anywhere. In fact thanks to a twist near the end it really felt like most of the film was pointless. It all did serve a purpose of course because the twist involves someone using the whole film as part of a plan but it does make things feel a bit futile. The price for getting to the end was also absolutely massive. This was not a good plan. It revolves around a ton of things going in a specific way and also basically sacrificing a lot of others in the process.

The characters were desperate to be sure but you just feel like there had to be a better way. The film can be a bit violent when things look dire for the heroes. I wouldn’t call it super bloody or anything though, more painful than anything. The film is pretty serious and isn’t super long so it has that going for it but for example I couldn’t really tell you very many standout scenes.

For the most part there are no real happy moments to be found here. The heroes are always on the back foot and hope seems completely lost. The problem of course comes back to the beginning once again. The aliens have ruled for quite a while now and humanity really lost their chance to mount much of a comeback. Sure they can start fighting now but it’s all already too late. Presumably the humans all get exterminated in short order once the aliens take them serious. with whatever forces they had to enslave humanity so quickly they can surely deal with the resistance as well. That’s why we needed to see how this happened so the film could offer up a good reason on why that wouldn’t happen again.

As a silver lining though I did like Rafe a lot. He may not have been the main character but he had a really strong will the whole time. He was all about the mission from the start even when a lot of the others were starting to have doubts. You have to be strong like that when you’re completely outnumbered. It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to live through an enemy invasion and hopefully you never have to experience that. This guy did his best.

Now I mentioned this being better as a TV show. Well the reason for that is you could have the whole first season or two be about the aliens arriving and taking over. This part is more like you average alien invasion story and the cliffhanger could be the big time skip where the aliens actually won. Then the following seasons deal with the aftermath and the rebellion. That’s exactly how I would have handled it and then you could really use this premise to its full potential. It wouldn’t get nerfed due to the limited time available. Give this film more time so it can focus on other things and I think it could have been better. Perhaps not if it stayed on the more boring scenes but I do think it could have pulled this off.

Overall, Captive State has some decent twists here but ultimately you still wonder if the plan was even worth it. The humans lost a whole lot in these battles and it feels like they kept on losing more and more as things all played out. The movie didn’t give me enough reason to believe that the aliens would win. The premise was good but the film made 0 use of it. Even the aftermath should have been far more interesting than it was. There is a lot to explore in a world about aliens ruling over the humans but the film didn’t grab my attention. I’d absolutely recommend watching a different alien invasion film instead.

Overall 3/10

The Four Musketeers Review

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It’s time for more Musketeers action. I can’t say that I’ve been the biggest fan of this franchise and this film wouldn’t really change my mind. I know the main characters aren’t really heroes so I wouldn’t expect them to always be heroic but they really do the bare minimum in just about everything. I wouldn’t trust them with my groceries let alone my life. I’d say the main issue the film has is just that it can be a bit boring at times. It’s not funny enough to pull off the comedy aspect and the fight scenes aren’t good enough for the action part. What does that leave you with? Well I’m not really sure but not enough to make this a solid flick.

The film picks up immediately where the last one left off. The 3 Musketeers along with their recent addition in the main character and are minding their own business when the main heroine gets kidnapped. D’art meanwhile gets distracted by a new villainess who finds it really easy to seduce him. Basically any lady can accomplish this task though as her own maid gets him as well. The guy has serious commitment issues so unfortunately you can’t trust him at all. The guy is as sad and shallow as they come which is really unfortunate and by the end of the film he has not changed so seriously you don’t want this guy in your corner. He just isn’t that dude. Trust me on this and in a way it hurts the film by extension since you want to have a good lead.

Wait is that the plot? Well okay that’s not all of it. So there’s potentially a big war brewing and in part it’s due to all of the affairs going on and so the Musketeers may have to actually enter the war and cause trouble. They already spend most of their time beating up on their own country’s army though so are these allies that you actually want to have on your side? Something tells me that you would want them to stay far away instead. Both countries seem reasonably corrupt though and the war never gets all that interesting so you won’t really care much.

In a way that is the film’s biggest issue in a nutshell. It’s just extremely boring. You don’t care about any of the characters. In a lot of ways I would say the first film was actually more engaging since you at least had the young hero picking fights with everyone. He was still a rampant cheater so still no someone you could root for but at least there was a lot going on. In this one? Ehhhhhhhhh yeah it’s just not working for me. Seriously I would have to give it a firm thumbs down. The first film also had the interesting fake fight where the heroes were stealing food which was clever.

That said, we do get flashbacks to the first film so you’ll see it there anyway. As a slight positive, the fights can be decent at times when they appear. Mostly they are treated for laughs though so there isn’t a ton of great choreography here. The film is leaning more fully on humor and adventure after all so there just isn’t time for any of that. Okay I do think the cardinal at least makes for an interesting villain. As basically the highest ranking member in the country he can actually sign documents allowing you to do anything. You could straight up murder someone and he can immediately pardon you. It sure is nice to have that level of power right?

I like the verbal battles there. The Cardinal is always on the offensive and as you can probably guess he tends to completely destroy the other Musketeers in the arguments. At the end of the day he’s not a serious fighter or anything but I tend to like the old government villains to an extent. He is a full villain though with the desperate plans he uses to take down the heroes. They aren’t even morally dubious by the way, they’re just villain plans.

The romance in the film is naturally pretty awful with no real loyalty to speak of. Everyone is cheating the whole time so you definitely can’t trust any of them. It really was a tough world out there with everyone after you. Imagine if this film was about the Musketeers having to fend off wave after wave of enemy invaders? Actually have them jump into the war rather than goofing off and watching it from the sidelines. That would have been a massive improvement right away. I’m not surprised that it didn’t happen of course but the film had many moments where things could have turned epic if that’s what the film wanted to do.

Okay one last slight positive for the film. I’ll throw it a little bone here. The acid blade that the villainess used was pretty cool. The effects for it actually weren’t bad and I wouldn’t mind something similar in a modern film. You can see how deadly the acid is by how it melted the wall and that helps to make the fight with the main character a little more balanced since otherwise he should win easily. He’s not the best guy but he is still trained with a blade after all.

Overall, The Four Musketeers isn’t a particularly good film. It’s one that will have you shaking your head the whole time. It’s not like the negatives are super egregious or anything. Sure the film can be boring, the romance is bad, there’s quite a bit of fanservice and the characters are no good but the film isn’t super long and it’s not like there are any big animal violence moments or excessive violence in general. It’s a fairly safe film to check out but I just can’t recommend it because it should have been many times better. I think the world is ready for a good 3 Musketeers film at this point. It’s just got so much potential. I think you really need to play it straight with the action though. You could absolutely make it part comedy but that shouldn’t be done lightly and of course it has to actually be super funny or that will backfire. I think this is a film that just gets worse and worse in hindsight.

Overall 3/10

Unforgiven Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Unforgiven is basically a wild west film with the classic theme of revenge. It’s going for a fairly somber tone with the main character having to contend with his past. The premise isn’t bad since that’s really classic for doing a solid revenge film about someone getting back into the game but the film ultimately misses its cues to make this the next big epic that you will never forget. Ultimately I just couldn’t land it near the top.

The movie starts off with a rather intense scene as a villain beats up on a lady and disfigures her. The guy gets off very light without having to go to jail or get beaten which shows how corrupt the town is. The ladies are prostitutes so unfortunately the town doesn’t really care to avenge the lady. The group takes it upon themselves to do this and issue out a warrant for the murder of the guy who slashed up the lady and his partner. Word reaches out to a young man who figures this is his chance to get rich. He ends up recruiting a legendary gunfighter named Will and Wil brings in his friend Ned. Between the 3 fighters they have a young guy who doesn’t really know how to fight, an old man who has long since stopped fighting and doesn’t have the edge anymore, and a guy who lives a life of peace now and may not be able to take the shot when it counts. The odds are not in their favor.

Whenever you have a film about a character having to go back to his old ways of fighting it can be tricky for the character because he may just not have the stuff anymore. Some characters keep honing their skills of course but others don’t because they figure that life will never come back. That’s the case with Will who may have been the best a long time ago but now he’s feeling his age. The guy’s worst scene has to be when he walks into the bar and just gets clobbered by Little Bill and his men. This is where I feel like you have to take your gun out and start shooting because he very easily could have just been murdered there.

Seriously when you have a gun, you have to use it. Even when you’re outnumbered there, you’re probably going to die anyway so what’s really the benefit in holding back? He makes up for it by the end but I was just surprised at how the scene went. In a way it ended up just being the same as the first group who showed up and promptly got destroyed by Little Bill. Bill definitely got a lot of hype in the movie that’s for sure.

There’s a whole subplot of Bill telling an aspiring author about how the wild west really works and all. He’s all about accuracy over speed and why he’s the best one out there. I do agree with him on always going for the best shooter if you’re facing off with a group. I’m more a fan of the quickdraw myself so I don’t fully agree with him there. Of course you do need accuracy too but if you’re a quicker shot and land a bullet anywhere then you’re in business. If you’re a step too slow then it’s likely game over right out of the gate.

Bill makes for an impressive villain in just how determined he is to make sure there are no assassins in his town. He’s a corrupt sheriff and one who wants to keep complete power. He has no respect for anyone who brings a gun onto his property. Again you’d think people would use their guns before they are stomped into submission but that’s how it goes I suppose. He’s a very memorable character which is always good and it’s a way for you to always end up remembering this film no matter what happens.

Meanwhile The Kid on the hero’s side was definitely just annoying the whole time. He didn’t have what it took to keep on blasting and nearly ended up costing Will everything. He talked a big game but choked when it counted and that’s typically the worst kind of character. He definitely should have just stayed quiet in the back. Instead he really put himself in a twist. Then there’s Ned who is a decent character but I wasn’t a big fan of his either. Deciding to leave midway through the adventure was not a great move. Of course there’s no way for him to have known that he would be caught but of course it did put the other two characters in a tricky spot. Again I’d also say you need to try shooting because if you’re captured then it’ll end up being a fate worse than death.

Will had a great climax but it would have been nice if he could have stayed strong the whole time. No taking that last drink and undoing all of the work his wife had put in to getting him off the habit. It was definitely a metaphor kind of moment for showing that he went all the way back. Of course we can say he went back to being all good after the ending here but I think it would have been a much stronger performance if he went in and took everyone out without the drink. Just show that he would use the skills one last time and he’s doing it for a friend so it’s different than if he was just doing it to be a murderer.

The film fits in a lot of lore and backstory around the plot so I will say that they made sure every bit of the story was covered. I had a lot of issues with the film but the story itself was sound and the final fight that we did get was good. It’s not a film that’s without its positives, they just ended up being outnumbered by the negatives rather strongly in this case.

If the film could tone down the grit here then we’d be in a much better spot. The opening scene really starts the film off on the wrong note and it’s hard to recover from something like that. All the beatings in the film extend for quite a while and then seeing Will just get beaten up at the bar without fighting back was rough. The fact that the other two heroes were taking their payment in advance was also pretty awful. C’mon now these people are obviously in distress and doing whatever they can for the heroes to right the wrongs so actually taking them up on this is crazy. The film could have done with more heroic characters that’s for sure. This is definitely more of a jaded wild west story and you can feel it.

Overall, In trying to dismantle the wild west genre the film only serves to dismantle itself. It focuses too hard on being gritty and having none of the characters be an awe inspiring hero instead of just being an epic film. Ultimately this one won’t compete with the classic wild west titles even if the climax was really good. They always say to end on a good note so I can at least give the film that defense. It ended on the best note possible and if the whole film had been like that then we’d be having a very different conversation.

Overall 3/10

Kickboxer 2 Review

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This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

I wasn’t a big fan of the first Kickboxing film and unfortunately the sequel also gets a thumbs down too. I would say it is an improvement over the first but not enough so where I would be able to defend it. It suffers from a lot of serious plot issues like adding a sour note to the first film and overall just going for maximum edge there. It doesn’t even have the solid ost from the first film so things get tricky here.

The movie starts off by introducing us to David, another brother related to the main characters from the first film. He has skill in close quarters combat but isn’t quite as strong as the earlier two. He doesn’t fight anymore, however his gym isn’t doing well so he is forced to unretire. He’s still good enough to win his fights but the main problem is Tong Po has returned. It turns out that he murdered the main characters from the first film including the heroine and now he’s here for David. He has his goons murder a child and then they murder David’s protégé. Now the lead has to fight him but does he have the skills to beat this fighter?

The whole plot feels like something out of an edgy fanfic. “Yo what if…..the villain from the first film got better and murdered everybody!!” I mean cmon now, I know a villain can have a revenge story too but having the heroes lose so cheaply off screen is rough. We see someone get shot so it seems like Tong Po just used underhanded tactics to win. He would have needed to since the last main character heavily surpassed him by the end of the first film. It makes a very strong argument for why you need to completely bump off the villain after a point. Letting him stay alive just opened the door for things to go south.

It’s just such a bad plot point though. Then for extra edge we have the whole kid thing. So there are a bunch of kids that look up to David and want to get stronger. One in particular had a bit of a bad attitude but he was trying his best. Well, a group of fighters attack in the night and when burning down the dojo they take out a kid too. It’s clear this is for maximum drama and edge but the film really didn’t need that. I would argue if anything it’s actually a net negative. The kids didn’t need to be here and surely having his brothers murdered is already enough of a motivation for David.

The edgy backstory also hurts some characters. Namely Xian because with his daughter dead the guy should be out for blood right? He’s an expert fighter to the point where he is the world’s best coach so why not take down Tong Po himself? I never get why the masters can get so complacent when the stakes are this level of personal. Instead he’ll train David and said he will sacrifice the guy if necessary. That’s great, but go handle your business. He should have absolutely been doing whatever it takes to bring that guy down instead of just waiting until David was forced into the action.

It doesn’t make any sense. What else doesn’t make sense? Everyone sitting by as Tong Po shows up and murdered someone in the ring. This isn’t Thailand this time. It’s taking place in the US and yet the villains still have enough clout to break all of the rules as often as they want and get away with literal murder? I don’t care how rich the villains are, that doesn’t make any sense. If the protégé was smart he would have taken the tournament crown by default since the opponent wasn’t smart. Even then he should have won the fight early on when Tong Po was clearly cheating. The ref would call it out each time but not do anything about it so what’s the point there? It’s just a really bad look all around and it’s why the film’s plot is so forced.

I feel like the writers had the dilemma they wanted to get to and knew the conclusion but didn’t know how to organically get the plot there. As a result it’s all rather contrived and the film feels very try-hardish. David’s a decent main character but it would be nice if he could have stepped up a bit sooner. A really rough moment was when the invaders attacked at night. David’s an expert hand to hand fighter so couldn’t he have fought back at least a little bit rather than going down immediately and getting beaten up so badly? I didn’t like how easily he went down there, night or not.

Tong Po also doesn’t look as impressive here for obvious reasons. He claims to want honor yet he goes around taking down stronger opponents with guns? Then in the final fight he is only able to do well when there is a hostage at stake. The instant David can fight the guy goes down like a sack of bricks. It’s like he can’t fight at a very high level at all. In the first film at least it was clear that he was still an incredibly difficult opponent to take down. He would cheat for sure but the guy legitimately did have a lot of skills at his disposal. Here he’s just a chump.

Also while the final fight is fairly long, the power levels don’t make a lot of sense. Put it this way, David is getting completely smashed throughout the whole fight. He’s got tons of broken bones and is coughing up blood since he was told not to fight back due to the hostage stuff going on. So finally when they tell him to fight, he’s able to crush Tong Po just like that? People underestimate how bad those injuries will be acting up while you’re fighting. There’s no way you’re going to just be able to keep fighting as if you’re going into the battle fresh. At best it means Tong Po is just incredibly weak but that’s not possible from what we saw. At least not to that extent so the film overplayed its hand in trying to make the stakes high. Again it’s just not great writing.

Overall, Kickboxer 2 may have beaten the first film but that’s not saying a whole lot. It’s still got huge chronic problems all throughout. In general the kids weren’t needed as their scenes don’t even fit in with the rest of the film. The film’s rather serious and dark while their moments are trying to be a little too upbeat. Perhaps it could work if the film was written better but it wasn’t built for this. In the end I would say to just avoid this film. As bad as the first film was, at least the ending was satisfying but this film completely takes that away and makes it moot so it’s a double negative.

Overall 4/10

Starman Review

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Starman is one of those films that seemed a little iffy right out of the gate. The whole plot involves an alien impersonating Jenny’s husband and calling it a day. And this film is going to be part romance? Uh ohhhhhhhh. Yeah this is why the film was never going to get particularly far. Throw in that the pacing can be slow and the main character is super annoying and you’ve got a recipe for disaster.

The film starts off with an alien crash landing to Earth after the government shot down his space ship. He has 7 orgs/magic spells at the ready and uses one to tell his people that Earth is dangerous. He then sees a widow named Jenny and decides to shapeshift into her dead husband. The alien is now “Scott” but he knows nothing about human customs, their ways, or even about talking. So he gets to work on learning all of this and until he does, he figures Jenny will be his prisoner. Jenny has to try and escape quickly before she falls victim to Stockholm syndrome. Will she be up to the task?

Yeah the romance here is just bad. Since her husband is dead, you would think that the last thing Jenny would tolerate is an alien shapeshifter. I would argue that a normal rebound is even better than this because at least it’s a different person. Choosing to get together with someone who looks like your husband but isn’t is just really eery and not something you should be doing. I would also argue that there is no reason for her to fall for him at all. He basically kidnapped her and then held her against her will for a long while. At what point would that really turn into some kind of admiration? I’m not buying it, no sirrrrrrrr. He basically got her pregnant through alien magic too and she was cool with it.

Jenny started out by being a tough character but started breaking down as the film went on. I would have preferred that she knocked “Scott” out early on and then escaped. She doesn’t have to help the government since those guys were real shady the whole time but not falling in love with this guy is the baseline requirement to being a really solid character here. The romance should have been cut out entirely.

It’s not even to say that “Scott” is a bad guy but I would still put him as more antagonistic than anything. While it takes him a while to learn the human customs so he isn’t intending to be a bad person, you can’t forget that he was completely threatening Jenny. This guy also seemed serious about it and while you know that he is changing, it’s not like you can just quickly see that and get together with him at the drop of a hat. It just doesn’t work like that by any stretch.

The film also suffers in large part due to “Scott” and how long it takes him to get used to Earth. It’s one of those tropes I’ve never been a big fan of where it takes him forever to understand what’s going on. So you see him make a lot of goofy faces, not know how to respond, etc. These scenes take forever and I just really prefer to have a character who is on the ball the whole time. Someone who knows what is going on and is ready to act. With his magic powers surely he could have used one of them to immediately understand human customs or something right? He comes far by the end but at first all of his scenes are absolutely brutal. You’ll be cringing a whole lot and that hurts the pacing.

Meanwhile the government makes for a decent villain but there isn’t a lot to them. They hire a freelancer to help out but that was the government’s mistake as he clearly had disdain for them from the start and instead of helping out he basically makes sure to get in their way the whole time. Seriously they would have been better off without him. In general while the government does get close at times, they rarely feel like much of a threat.

That’s why to add tension we see a deer die which was pretty regrettable. It’s a way for “Scott” to see how cruel the world is and how people hunt other animals. Fortunately he does use his abilities to revive it but it’s a scene that we didn’t really need. Still I wouldn’t say the film was ever aimless or anything. I wasn’t big on that scene of course but the film did have a plan the whole time and went ahead with it. You could easily transform this into a really fun film if you switch up the genre a bit. Have it be a thriller where “Scott” needs to evade the government until his backup arrives. Then we get a classic alien invasion film or something like that. You have to admit that would definitely be a lot of fun!

Of course if you really want to make this plot work, just don’t have Starman turn into her husband. Have him be an ordinary joe and gradually she falls for him. I think you’d still need to bypass all of the threats and such though for this to even be a conversation. Additionally it’s best for her to not even have a dead husband so that it’s not a big rebound like that. That would be an immediate upgrade to the plot and it’s not even that hard to pull off.

Overall, Starman isn’t a particularly good film. I would say that it starts off on the wrong foot with the romance right out of the gate. It’s just hard to get past that because it’s such a bad romance plot that only serves to actively harm the film. It’s hard to survive when one of your main genres is holding you back after all. There’s just no escape from that. Then mix in how Starman’s initial scenes really drag on and that doesn’t help either. To an extent it’s probably trying to be funny but give me the witty fast talking kind of humor over the slow on the uptake version any time. I’d say to avoid this film. The title sounds cool for sure but the actual film isn’t quite up to par.

Overall 3/10

One Missed Call Review

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It’s time for a retro horror film and One Missed Call definitely lives up to what you would expect there. It’s a horror film that plays it very by the numbers without a whole lot going for it beyond being…well a classic horror film. This one involves phones and a villain so powerful that it’s like you’re fighting against destiny itself. The film doesn’t have a particularly strong cast or memorable visuals to keep it afloat but at the same time it’s certainly not the worth horror film I’ve seen. I doubt I’ll even remember it too vividly several years from now.

The movie starts with the most intense scene in the film to be honest as a lady walks towards a pond when a giant hand emerges and drags her under. It also grabs the cat so the film decided to start off with an animal death for some bizarre reason. Leaving that aside for a moment though, the scene gave the villain a pretty intense design right off the gate and it was memorable. It reminded me of the Redead hands from the Legend of Zelda games. Unfortunately after this you will not see any memorable designs like that at all. In fact once we see the actual mastermind at the end of the film, the villain looks super unimpressive. Basically normal if you will and that’s no fun.

All right so back to the plot. Everyone is worried about the way the girl died and then another girl gets a voicemail from her number but it’s from a future date and has another girl’s voice. This girl promptly dies at the exact time of the voicemail and this “Phone curse” continues to spread. Each victim receives a call from the last victim with a voicemail dated at the exact time that the next victim will die. In essence the instant you receive this voicemail you are already dead which is a sobering thought unless you can escape destiny. Beth is the main heroine of the movie and she has a little time while all of her friends are bumped off. Once they are gone though then she will be next in the firing line. Oh I should also mention every victim gets a candy that they spit out after they die. Pretty random detail but its so random that it’s actually kind of interesting so I’ll give the film credit there. Of course it is explained later on but even if it wasn’t that’s the kind of randomness that can make the situation even scarier.

Fortunately she has the help of Officer Jack who believes there is something to this. Unfortunately the rest of the police don’t buy this so he’s on his own. Now it’s great that he believes since there is some evidence to support it at least but the guy is super sloppy. So the biggest potential evidence here are the phone calls right? Tangible calls that you could trace to see what is going on. Well…over halfway into the film he remembers that you can do this and looks them up but it was such a basic thing he could have tried from the start that it really stands out. You just think “Cmon man” because it would have been easier if the film just said all records mysteriously weren’t there. Really make this as supernatural as possible.

After all this is supernatural so why would it need to follow conventional rules anyway? Jack mainly does good here but I do have to say that one mistake so many characters make is putting their eye right next to the keyhole. Seriously even in real life you don’t want to do that because the door isn’t very well secured at all. Just being near it is a dangerously bad idea. Trust me on this, you do not want to do that! Just stay away from the door and he was probably doomed anyway but it didn’t help matters.

We do get the tragic backstory leading up to the origin of the curse later on and the film gets fairly dark with the lore as you’d expect. Again all fairly common for this kind of film but it also just feels rather forced. I think the movie should have actually not had a backstory for what was going on here. It’s way spookier for this to be happening for no real reason. Just give us a way to actually fight back and then you’re set. For example, that giant undead creature from the opening was super spooky so that’s all you need on the scares front. Have the team try to figure out a way to defeat it.

I knew the film would be cheating as soon as the Star Wars “Force Choke” scene happened. So one girl named Taylor had a really good idea. She allowed herself to be recruited by a supernatural TV show where they record people being possessed and try to save them. These guys may be crazy or scammers but now she’s surrounded at least right? Well the ghost/demon/mysterious villain shows up anyway and just chokes her using invisible intangible powers. There was nothing Taylor or anyone could do and that’s when I realized how futile this was going to be. The villain was too powerful.

In any horror film you have to try and balance out the villain being really powerful and imposing while also giving the heroes some kind of chance to fight back. There always has to be some hope or else why are you even watching right? If the only option is to wait around for your death then that’s inevitably going to get boring and so the film needed to introduce more of a weakness. Taylor’s death just felt unfair the whole time because unlike the other characters I actually thought her plan was as close to full proof as possible.

I haven’t talked much about Beth and in large part that’s because there isn’t a whole lot to say about her. She really stands for being your average everyday person just trying to get out of this situation but she doesn’t have much character beyond that. You’re hoping that she will get out of this in one piece but that’s definitely not a guarantee in a film like this.

Overall, I can see why One Missed Call wasn’t really a hit. The film wasn’t super balanced and didn’t always seem to know what it wanted to do. It’s a fairly serious film with an intense threat but the world wasn’t very fleshed out and there’s nothing to write home about here. While the film isn’t super violent, you definitely do have some intense deaths here. The dark backstory is also intense of course. I did like some of the spooky visuals like the Centipede and the hand in the opening scene but that was about it. The rest of the film just didn’t land and you should give this one a hard skip.

Overall 3/10

Konga Review

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Konga is one of those films that ended up failing because it forgot the very premise it was supposed to execute. Why are you watching a film called Konga? Well…odds are that it’s because based on the title you want to see a really good giant creature film right? that makes the most sense but a super large chunk of this is about a super annoying scientist trying to have an affair with his student and this plot drags the whole film down. We don’t actually get the large Konga until the final minutes and it’s way too late by then.

The movie starts with the legendary researcher Charles finally getting back to the country after being presumed dead for a while. He has been living in the wilderness with a tribe learning more about animals and manipulating DNA. He figures that he finally has a way to turn Gorillas into giant monsters and this has a lot of possibilities for human evolution. His assistant Margaret was hoping he would finally be ready to settle down with her and they could start a family but it looks like that isn’t in the cards anymore. No, instead he is completely obsessed with only two things, his experiments and his student Sandra. Can Margaret put a stop to this guy?

I’ve got so many problems with this film but lets start off with Charles. He’s the main character but he’s such an unlikable villain that you are hoping he will be taken out soon. The guy wants to revolutionize science and yet he sets it back by murdering everyone else who were coming up with similar ideas. He claims to be completely focused on the job but then he tries to get with Sandra and makes that a priority. This guy doesn’t actually seem super serious/focused on his work so he becomes all talk by that point and it’s why you can’t respect him as a character. Even if he was a jerk you could at least understand what was going on if he was serious about his scientific advancements.

The instant he lost sight of that the guy was too far gone. Meanwhile I didn’t care for Margaret as the heroine either. For starters she didn’t jump in to protect Sandra when she was being attacked. Additionally Margaret allows herself to just be verbally attacked and ignored all the time. She likes Charles for some reason but you still have to stand up for yourself. She kept all of his affairs in order while he was gone and the guy never shows any gratitude. Instead he keeps making empty promises about how they will still get married some day and she believes them. She seems very naïve here throughout the movie.

Additionally Sandra is also rather oblivious the whole time. Charles isn’t very subtle about his flirting here and how he keeps trying to get her by herself. At first I figured she noticed and just didn’t mind but by the end we see that she hadn’t really considered this. Instead she thought her friend Bob was just being jealous when he tried to warn her multiple times. I don’t get how nobody sees the red flags on this character.

Bob at least decides to fight Charles and even has the upper hand during their skirmish. You can’t blame him as much for sparing Charles’ life because murdering someone is an absolute last resort and Bob wasn’t trying to go down that dark path. He was just put in a really dicey spot the whole time. He gets props for at least roughing the guy up a bit though. The other students were being too busy making fun of the guy to do anything productive.

All right, so what about Konga then? Well he’s stuck in the cage for over 90% of the film as Charles runs experiments on him and keeps saying how expendable the creature is. Naturally once Konga does break free he quickly makes sure to murder as many people as possible before being shot down but of course the issue here is that at the end of the day he’s an innocent animal being gunned down due to being put in the wrong place at the wrong time. It makes for a very somber ending right there and you really wonder what the point of the film really was. It fails as a creature feature film and the character cast was really weak.

The writing can be okay at times. I do still enjoy the old writing style and everyone sounds very polite and proper but you still can’t help but be annoyed. The film’s pacing is solid so it goes by quickly either way. There is definitely no reason to actually go ahead and watch this movie though. There are way better ones out there and there just isn’t anything in particular that would make this movie a must watch compared to others.

Overall, Konga may be a cool name for a film but this is not going to be the next Godzilla. Konga is a film that will likely be lost to the mysteries of time and that’s for the best. Definitely stay away from this film and remember that the main takeaway is to always be wary of announcing your secret research until it is ready. Otherwise you may get bumped off by a rival like what happened in this film and then that definitely would be a tragic way to go out.

Overall 3/10

The Gift Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version could be more negative

It’s time for one of those films about watching out for the next door neighbor. You never know who you’re going to be living next to when moving for the first time and so you always hope it’s a nice happy family. Sometimes that’s not the case though. Personally it’s rare that I really talk to or know my neighbors much at all but of course it’s a bit different in an apartment vs a house. The movie’s got an okay premise I suppose but ultimately this one’s definitely not much of a winner.

So the movie starts off with Simon and his wife Robyn getting a house and they’re looking forward to life going perfectly. Unfortunately that doesn’t quite happen as a man called Gordo appears and he claims to be Simon’s old classmate from school way back in the day. Simon doesn’t remember him at first but does afterwards and is puzzled because they weren’t friends. In the present Gordo keeps on bringing gifts and doing all kinds of favors for the main two but it quickly gets into weird territory. Simon quickly shuts this down as he’s as rude to Gordo as possible but now things have taken a turn from weird into dangerous when their pet dog goes missing. Is Gordo actually here to murder them?

Now this film is one of those titles where most of the characters are super unlikable. The only decent one here is Robyn and she’s going through a tough time with this since Simon keeps blowing up at her about Gordo now. He seems to be getting jealous quickly of the guy and is also hiding some secrets from his past. Robyn really wants him to be straight with her but when that’s not a possibility she can no longer trust him. Then Gordo can’t be trusted either because the guy is overstepping his bounds like breaking into the house while the main characters are away. No excuse is good enough for that to be warranted.

While Robyn means well I do think that she’s rather oblivious at times though. For example letting Gordo into the house while Simon isn’t there was not a great idea. Particularly since she barely knew him at all. I know you can’t be too paranoid when living out in the country since at that point you couldn’t even open up the door but she really seemed to be defenseless the whole time. At least have a can of pepper spray in your pocket. Even going for those long daily runs in the middle of nowhere every morning seemed a bit iffy. That said, at least she was polite the whole time.

Then you have Simon who immediately starts badmouthing Gordo behind his back and calling the guy names. This is before Gordo even started going too far. It’s like Simon was just being mean from the jump. Now this makes sense the more the film goes on as we see that he’s just not a good guy but it’s a good way not to root for him right away. Simon’s verbal attacks are never justified and even to the end you never feel like he has really changed as a person. He puts himself first above all else and really doesn’t give Robyn any thoughts during the climax. It’s all about him and well the guy is just a bully. There’s not much more that needs to be said than that and the guy is basically an antagonist by the end of the film.

Of course with all this said….Gordo is still a big villain here. No matter how mean to him Simon was, the guy is still terrorizing Robyn as well and kidnapping the dog was uncalled for. Fortunately nothing happened to the dog since that would have really torn the film apart but this guy loses his sympathy points real quick. I also get the feeling that he would have been messing with the main characters even if Simon did treat him well from the start. The guy was just acting very odd in a very intentional way. I believe he would have forced the confrontation at some point or another. At most Simon just sped it up but this guy was certainly looney.

We eventually learn why Gordo has this grudge against Simon and it definitely makes Simon and another character look really awful. You would just expect better and the film certainly wanted to go all out with having the gritty backstory. Fortunately there is a twist on the twist which is still awful but at least not as grim. The whole movie is really a race to the bottom between characters.

Now there is something that happens at the very end of the film which had the potential to drop this film down to a 0. Fortunately I don’t believe the “event” actually happened. To get into it too much would delve into spoilers but there are two main arguments I would say are on my side as to why this didn’t happen. The first is that this is a narrative callback to what happened in Gordo’s past. Just as something didn’t actually happen in his backstory, I would say that it didn’t in the present. It just serves as the ultimate revenge to have Simon think that this happened.

The other data point that supports me here is his last line to Robyn about how good things happen to good people. To me the only way he would use this line is to let her and the viewer know that this didn’t happen. At the end of the day his grudge was with Simon not her. He also got to hear her defending him from when he bugged the room. During the film at most he would just use her as ammo against Simon and this would be a fairly big jump from that. It’s still annoying that they didn’t definitively confirm my theory to be correct since it doesn’t take anything away from the revenge and if anything helps the movie. Keeping it even slightly ambiguous was just annoying.

Even with that the film wasn’t going to be very good though. The characters are just so unlikable between Simon and Gordo that it hurts a whole lot. Their dialogue is always pretty bad and in general the writing wasn’t very good here. At least the ending offers a tiny glimmer of hope for Robyn but even then it’s not the super happy ending you were waiting for. We got a few jump scares here and there but it’s not like this film is particularly scary either. The cops excuse for not going after Gordo felt rather weak though since it seems like it was really easy to find the guy.

Overall, The Gift just isn’t a very pleasant movie at the end of the day. Bad things keep happening to the characters and while Simon deserves it, you just feel bad for Robyn. At least she did take a stand by the end and I appreciate that. I also appreciate that the film didn’t do anything bad to the dog since that would have really been awful. You’re still just not going to have a very good time with this film. It delivers on having a ton of twists but for the evil neighbor angle it’s probably more effective to actually have the main characters be likable rather than doubling down and having both sides be antagonistic.

Overall 3/10

Deathtrap Review

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It’s time for a film about a lot of murder planning. It definitely went quite a bit different than I was expecting though and particularly the poster gives you a very different vibe. More of a comedic touch with a lot of crazy shenanigans going on. I think that would have worked rather well but this one jumps the shark around midway and from there things just don’t end well. The main premise here had potential but ultimately it wasn’t to be this time.

The movie starts with Sidney’s new play starting but sadly it ends up bombing. He seems to have lost all of his talent at this point although his wife Myra believes he can still make a comeback. It’s just getting tougher and tougher the older he gets. One day his former pupil Clifford sends over a manuscript that is actually quite excellent. Sidney realizes that this could even be his ticket to stardom if he can just bump the guy off. Can he really do such a thing though? Myra thinks this is a bad idea and tells him not to do it but Sidney is determined. Clifford may be in trouble now!

So the story from this point is actually rather solid. Clifford shows up and there’s a bit of a whole cat and mouse thing going on. Sidney and Myra are acting strangely but Clifford doesn’t really know what’s going on. By the time he is starting to put the pieces together it’s a bit late for him to get away. After all Sidney drove him here and the house is in the middle of nowhere. So the whole thing is rather tense and you could absolutely build a whole film around this premise if you have the nerve for it. The dialogue would carry the film as both keep up the pretense that this is still friendly while Clifford makes the case for why he should live and Sidney makes the case of why he should die.

You would have a whole lot of epic conversations that way. Meanwhile Myra adds to it by trying to come up with positives for Clifford staying alive. She can be a bit overly dramatic in the film like with all the yelling but ultimately I thought she was a good character. I preferred her to the other two at least and while she could be very wishy washy about what she wanted to do, she had some kind of a moral compass at least. Unfortunately things don’t go great for her here. It’s a shame because you feel like the plan to get her had a very low probability of success but at the same time you knew it was going to work.

The cast here is very small as the only other character here is the fortune teller known as Helga. Her powers actually appear to be somewhat legit in this film as she has good instincts and knows things that she just shouldn’t know. She makes for an interesting character. She comes a bit out of nowhere mind you but I suppose she worked well enough. She’s mainly here to help increase the tension and to lead up to the ending.

Now unfortunately what crushes the film is the second half plot twist. It’s a big twist so in a way you should skip this paragraph if you haven’t seen the film but on the other hand it can be a big determiner on if you even watch the film or not so it’s hard to say. But here goes. Basically Clifford and Sidney hatched this plan together in order to bump off Myra and take her money. This is because it turns out that Clifford and Sidney are actually together and he never loved his wife. The whole thing screams shock value for sure and turns the plot on its head. It’s a shame they had to include this element into the movie and it basically takes up both of their dialogues from this moment on.

Their relationship becomes a focal point of the film so you’re just waiting for one of them to be bumped off. The issue is that neither will for a while because you now keep up the cat and mouse game but with both of them playing nice while waiting to make a move. So their scenes get hard to watch for a while there. It’s too bad because this does have a lot of potential but they should have gone with the original premise from the first half. Clifford trying to stay alive while Myra is on the fence and Sidney is the attacker was already a great dynamic that just got ruined there.

The movie knows how to build suspense so I’ll give it that. If it stayed away from shock value then it would have ultimately been better. For the first half the writing is on point as well and the effects throughout the movie are good. While I don’t really buy the whole Myra situation pretty much at all, the film did lay the groundwork for it so I’ll give the movie some credit there. Even if I didn’t buy it, it’s not like it was a plot hole or anything. Just treat it as a gamble that happened to pay off and that works well enough.

Overall, Ultimately I can’t really recommend this one. If you want a classic murder mystery then check out Clue or one of the old Hitchcock films. You can definitely pull off good plot twists in a film to shake things up but this just wasn’t one of them. It ends up overshadowing the rest of the film even though the movie had done some things well. Having weapons around due to the main character being a script writer actually made sense and was a good plot reason to have them around. The tactics were also good but ultimately that was just the end of the line. The ending of the movie is very satisfying at least so it ends on a decent note there.

Overall 3/10

Logan’s Run Review

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Now I will say that the film has a good poster so lets start off with a solid positive here. Unfortunately that’s where things begin to fade really fast. This film has a very interesting premise though, it should have been a great movie but it really loses all its steam once the characters go outside when it really should have been the opposite. That’s the tragic part here and this is a film where I’d actually like a remake someday which I think could execute the premise better.

So the film takes place in the future where nobody is allowed to live past 30. Everyone has a click built into their hand in the form of a gemstone and that’s how people know when your time is up. The government pulled a fast one though and convinced people that they weren’t dying but were instead being reborn. When you see the bodies blowing up that’s just how the transfer goes. There is a full time job where you work as a “Sandman” and your role is to murder people who try to escape the merry go round of death. Unfortunately for the runners the Sandmen are very good at their job and so they do tend to crush just about everyone who gets in their way.

The main character here is Logan. I should note that every character has a number at the end of their name signifying how many times they have been renewed but just to keep things simple I’m going to bypass that for now all right? So Logan is a proud sandman but he does ask a lot of questions which annoys his partner Francis. Francis says they shouldn’t worry about the details and they just do what they’re told. Well one day Logan meets a girl named Jessica who has connections to the underground resistance and he starts to have more doubts. The government tasks Logan with going undercover into the resistance to snuff them out but instead he becomes a runner since the government fumbled the ball.

I think Logan would have gone all in as a traitor but they sped up the time on his gem so that he would be “renewed” sooner which messed Logan up and that led him to get a little desperate. Understandably the resistance doesn’t trust him much since Sandmen never become runners so Logan and Jessica are mainly on their own. Up to this point I wouldn’t say the film was great or anything but it did have some interesting ideas. It struggles a bit with some fanservice issues and Logan not being a very sympathetic character. (He was cackling and having a blast tormenting the first runner that he helped murder) Still this was living up to the premise and you were curious where things would go from here.

Well, from there they go to the “real world” outside the dome at least and it’s basically Earth except everyone is gone aside from an old man. This is where the pacing of the movie just dies and you are frozen in place. The old man talks to them about basic facts that of course Logan and Jessica wouldn’t know while they are astounded by everything. The scenes drag on for an eternity and the whole time you’re just waiting for something to happen but it never does. You’re just completely frozen in place the whole while. I understand that the movie was trying to show how different the world was but this is definitely a show don’t tell kind of scenario.

Because as the viewer we know everything being discussed, it’s really boring to see it all slowly broken down. It’s all so very slow and that’s the problem. The movie never recovers its steam after this. We get a quick fight with Francis which was a good way to end that plot but then it’s back to walking around with the old man. The movie ultimately just didn’t go in the direction I was expecting and in this case it ended up backfiring as a whole. I just don’t think the payoff worked well at all.

I did like the robot that showed up in the ice area though. It actually seemed to be rather effective considering how many people were stopped there. Give me more cool robots like that. It reminded me that this was a film taking place in the future as you could easily forget that once you were above ground. Now another area that the film could have improved on would have been to make the main character a little more likable. Make him not be such a big jerk at the beginning of the film. Have him question things including why they should murder runners. You could maybe have him still complete the mission but he shouldn’t be enjoying it or toying with the guy at all.

It’s a small but sizable difference that would make him better. The fact that he is using the futuristic version of Tinder didn’t help matters either since it shows the kind of guy he was. He may have grown up in a society without morals but it would have been nice if he was just a bit better. He was certainly way more grounded than Francis but that isn’t saying much. Meanwhile Jessica was a good heroine but even though things worked out in hindsight, I do think she believed Logan a little too quickly. As the viewer we see Logan changing but in universe there’s no way I’d believe him for a second.

Still at the end of the day the villains only lost because the computer really wasn’t very smart. If it just hadn’t done something as drastic as stealing years away from Logan then he may not have been so quick to truly become a runner. I guess it helps his cover story but why not just lie to him when he asks if he will get the time back? If the robot can’t lie then that is definitely a pretty big weakness for it.

Overall, The title is pretty fitting for this film but it should have stayed fast paced. If more of the movie was some kind of grand chase scene then that would have really helped with the momentum. You can absolutely still introduce an old human to help them see that you can grow past 30 but speed up the dialogue. Give the guy some real personality and I dare say that you could do a whole lot with that. Instead this ends up being a movie that lost its way and I would definitely say that you can give this one a full skip. There really isn’t much here for you.

Overall 3/10