Category Archives: 4 Star Movies

The Protector Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a Jackie Chan film that doesn’t really come close to hanging with most of his other films. It’s got the martial arts and parkour at times but everything about it feels basic at best. It goes through the motions like having Billy’s partner get bumped off almost immediately but the film tends to falter throughout.

The movie starts with something out of a futuristic sci-fi dystopia as people wearing weird costumes beat up a truck driver and get away with something. After that we cut to Billy and Michael who were having a normal drive and a beer when some punks showed up and try to steal Michael’s stuffed animal that he bought for his kid. They end up murdering the guy while Billy avenges him. This causes the Billy to get demoted. Things don’t get much better for him as Laura, the daughter of a big gangster is kidnapped while under his watch. Billy and his new partner Danny are sent to Hong Kong to find her and crack the case but it involves multiple gangs and big crime families. Looks like we have a conspiracy on our hands.

One of the big problems with Billy and Danny is that they mess around way too much. We have a big kidnapping case going on right here with someone who is missing and could be murdered at any moment. Yet immediately they’re going to massage parlors and messing around. Yeah you could say this has to do with their mission and they’re gathering info but lets be real, that’s not on their mind at all. They should have died there but the villains slipped up.

Now you might be thinking, James Bond would make that mistake as well right? Yeah and that’s why he has to rely on plot armor all the time. These two do more of the same the whole time and can’t keep up with the banter either. The writing is only okay here and doesn’t stack up with the average thriller either.

Now there are some positives I can say at least. The fight scenes that we get are actually pretty good. The martial arts are still on point and the choreography does not disappoint. If the film could have focused on this the whole time then there would really have been no problem. Of course that wasn’t the case and not much point worrying about what ifs.

The music is also fairly good. Some reasonably solid tracks in there. Fast paced tunes that fit with the scenes and so I don’t have any issues there. In terms of technicals, the film wasn’t bad. It was just let down by everything else. The film has to resort to fanservice because the story wasn’t strong enough which is always a massive red flag. It’s not the kind of thing that a really good film ever has to resort to. Yet this film does that more than once because it knows everyone was probably fast asleep otherwise.

The movie’s tone is also all over the place. Sometimes it is playing things seriously with a lot of danger and adventure going on and then other times it is trying to be a light hearted comedy. It tends to not handle the mix well with the characters being too goofy during a serious moment and vice versa. Again there’s no real urgency on the main duo’s part despite the fact that Laura is still out there somewhere.

Now you may be thinking, at least we’ve got a really big conspiracy here involving a lot of factions so that should keep you interested? Well, it goes in all of the most generic ways possible so that defeats the purpose. Are the Hong Kong cops corrupt as always?? Hmmmm.

Now I’m not going to say that you will see every plot point coming ahead of time or anything like that. That’s definitely not happening but you’re just not going to be all that engaged. It all starts from the top with the characters and then trickles down to every other aspect of the movie like the weak plot. It’s too bad that Michael was bumped off in the first scene because I think he would have made for a much better partner than Danny in the second half. Trust me on this, there’s just a world of difference there.

None of the villains ever get all that memorable either. For the most part it’s not like most of them can fight. We at least do have one big fighter on the villain side who gives Billy a run for his money. That ends up being a good battle and a solid way to end the film off. This is the kind of film that does have actual positives that I can point to which is good. It’s not an awful film or anything like that but it absolutely makes enough missteps where it won’t be mistaken for a good movie either. This really shouldn’t be that hard either, just avoid the fanservice and stick to a lot of fights. Have the heroes be cocky and overconfident but they still need to be focused on their mission at all times at least until they’ve rescued the heroine.

Overall, The Protector probably isn’t the best title for this film. Billy lets his partner get bumped off in the first scene and then the main heroine gets kidnapped, and then even his new partner gets kidnapped. The guy’s too busy messing around to really be protecting much of anything. Yeah Danny was usually the bad influence here but Billy wasn’t really doing anything to stop him now was he? I’ve just seen way better thrillers with this kind of kidnapping plot and pretty much all of Jackie Chan’s other films are better so in the end that doesn’t leave much for this one. I’d say to give it a skip.

Overall 4/10

The Abyss Review

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The Abyss is one of the more disappointing movies of recent memory. It has a really cool sounding name and a really good premise with some kind of monster out there ready to wreck havoc. It has all of the fundamentals of a good movie but the problem? It’s borrrrrrring! The monster has one of the worst designs since E.T. and there isn’t a sense of danger from the supernatural. All that leaves us with is the human dangers which are not nearly as compelling.

The film starts off with a bunch of people getting wrecked underwater. Bud’s team is sent to the wreckage to check things out and save what they can. The problem is that Bud’s team isn’t trained for this kind of thing. They’re oil drillers, not NAVY seal operators. So a Navy team is sent down with them but they don’t play well with others. Additionally, they seem to be keeping quite a few secrets. At this rate it might be internal strife that destroys everyone.

So back to the main problem, you’re waiting for these mysterious aliens to show up for the whole film. They finally do some stuff at the very end of the movie but that’s about it. They miss around 90% of the adventure and this doesn’t play out like your classic creature feature. The monsters aren’t running around blowing everyone up or shooting energy blasts. They mainly fly around at super speeds and act whimsical. They are clearly not mindless but their impact within the film basically falls into that range.

I was expecting a whole lot more to them so this ended up being pretty underwhelming. The film messed up on the atmosphere and so I would have cut out the supernatural stuff entirely. It’s not like it adds much to the film and if you removed it, then it wouldn’t even be a distraction. Then you can focus on all of the drama that you want. Not a bad proposition right? Then right from the start you have your expectations in check. I don’t think that would suddenly make this a good movie but it wouldn’t be quite so disappointing.

Bud is the main character here and a lot of the film is about the tension he has with his wife Lindsey. The two don’t get along at all anymore but they have to put aside their differences to team up here. It’s a fun enough plot but the romance itself is definitely a weak link. They seriously don’t get along so it’s hard to see that spark reforming. I would have been satisfied if they just became friends again or something.

That said, Lindsey does have a moment where she looks pretty bad considering that she’s supposed to be a genius. At one point she is talking tough to the Navy Seals and trying to rush them which nearly gets her murdered twice. Bud has to hold her back because the guy clearly has a gun and even without it he could easily defeat her. So that’s a case where she really wasn’t thinking ahead. It almost forced Bud into a fight where all of his men would have been murdered as well.

Bud does get his big fight near the end though where he gets to show his stuff. He puts up a good fight although he definitely whiffed on his big surprise attack move. If he had just moved a little faster and gone ahead with the strike then he might have won it all right there. Fortunately his friend was around with the mighty haymaker punch. That guy was definitely handy to have around. In general I would say that the crew was okay, not too many characters to write home about but they weren’t bad or anything.

The villains are a bit more on the one note side. The submarine and the stress make them go crazy so they actually resort to wanting to use a bomb that could blow everyone up. The villain is definitely annoying but his partner isn’t much better since he just watches and yells the whole time. At the end of the day if you’re helping the main villain then you are just as guilty even if you aren’t doing much of anything.

At least it was fun to see the government being rather shady as always. From the start this seemed like it would not be a very good idea with how fast the government was scrambling. Clearly they were holding something back but at the same time they were willing to pay triple for this mission which is incredibly hard to turn down. That’s not money that you are able to easily earn after all and you have to assume that in most cases this would have gone without a hitch. There would have been no conspiracies or aliens. If that had been the case then I suppose I’d be singing a different tune right now.

The film at least embraces the sci-fi angle a bit near the very end of the movie. We have some crazy visuals like out of 2001 with Bud flying around. It’s all rather trippy and the ending had potential there but alas then the film ends. It really should have tried having some of this stuff right out of the gate you know? That would have been way better because I’m always up for an alien film. Just make the alien invaders tough with a good design.

Overall, The Abyss really doesn’t live up to the name. It’s crazy that such a great name would be wasted on this movie. There are so many better names that you could have chosen here and all of them would have been infinitely better. The movie doesn’t make many big mistakes but the fact that it can be boring at times is a huge knock against the film. You never want to be bored even for an instant. The film either should have thrown in some more humor to give me some laughs, cooler creatures that have a lot of screen time, or given us some time outside of the ship. I would have liked to have heard more about the tensions with Russia that’s apparently in the uncut version and you can cut out some of the slower paced scenes here instead.

Overall 4/10

The Night Before Review

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It’s time for a comedy title that gets a little serious so you can almost think about it like a dark comedy at times. It’s got some Twilight Zone vibes to it as well and it makes for an intriguing start. The problem is that as the mystery gets unraveled, the film gets weaker and weaker. So by the end I’m afraid that this film definitely gets the thumbs down. I like the concept but would have definitely approached it differently.

The movie starts off with a drunk Winston wandering around through the night. How did he gets here and what is going on? His memory is all in a daze. He quickly realizes 3 things. 1. He was on the way to prom with a girl named Tara but she’s missing so he needs to find her. 2. A gangster named Tito wants to beat him up for some reason so he needs to stay low. 3. His dad’s car has been hijacked and he needs it back. It’s hard to say how all of this could have happened to him but Winston better move fast because he needs to get Tara back home before her father notices.

Here’s the thing with memory loss cases like this, in most situations it means that the guy was drinking which is what caused this lapse in memory. Well, unfortunately that is exactly what happened here. Winston decided to have a drink at a super seedy place which wasn’t smart and the drink was spiked with drugs so he was out for a while. He makes tons and tons of mistakes throughout the film. He’s just not very smart at all and is like one of those characters out of dumb and dumber.

At first when we’re introduced to Tara you feel like she’s being way too mean to Winston. It’s uncalled for how much she is berating him and everything but by the end of the film you get it. This guy is in way over his head and has no idea what to do. Everyone keeps on suckering him over and over too. The way Winston loses the car was particularly bad but same for how he let Tara’s card and wallet get stolen. Basically if there was a way to mess up then he would. It’s a comedy film so you are expecting him to mess up a lot but it tends to be less in a charismatic way and more in an annoying status. You’re not rooting for him quite as much as you’re supposed to.

The guy even lets himself get dragged into a quick affair with another lady who was hanging around which doesn’t speak well to Winston’s loyalty. I don’t feel like he’s a very responsible individual and if anything he is just getting everyone into trouble the whole time. Definitely a thumbs down for that guy all the way. Tara was way more fun. Yes, she can be mean but she is a lot tougher and gets things done. She gives attitude to all of the characters without any remorse.

Winston tries to make a speech about how Tara is spoiled at the end but I’d argue that she is fairly down to Earth. She certainly has more street smarts than he had. Ultimately, the trouble she got into was basically unavoidable compared to Winston’s situations where he was the one making the mistakes. If anything she did well to keep her composure and everything considering what was happening. Her plot of being sold off from person to person was a bit dark for the film though. Using that kind of a plot point for tension as to why Winston needs to save her quickly is always a bit much.

It’s also the film’s excuse to have a lot of fanservice squeezed in at one point. The film could have taken the high road but opted not to. The shame is that there are a lot of scenes in the film that are actually really funny. Scenes that will have you grin a little and the over the top nature of the moments can work really well. Like when a crazy guy shows up and reaches into Winston’s pocket to steal his wallet. I loved how direct the guy was. He just wanted the wallet and wasn’t hesitating about it. The rough neighborhood was just as rough as it looked. The fact that there wasn’t a twist was almost the twist in itself. No moment where it turns out everyone’s just super nice and everything. Nah, this was just the heroes making a bunch of wrong turns.

The ending is definitely not satisfying though. It goes in the direction I would have preferred that it avoided because it doesn’t really make sense in this context. After everything that went on, only the opposite answer would have made any sense. At least if you ask me, that’s how I see it. It also deprives us of a funny ending where the father chases Winston around or something like that.

So in the end I generally enjoyed the scenes with Tara bashing Winston and Winston running around getting into trouble. I didn’t really care for where Tara’s plot went from there and of course the whole climax is more of a thumbs down. So this was a bit of a mixed bag but my main thing is, would I watch this by myself or recommend it to anybody? The answer to both questions is no so that’s the end of that.

Overall, The Night Before is an interesting film and one that has a lot of good humor thrown into the mix. It can definitely bring on some good laughs but at times it can also just be really annoying. I thought Winston got off way too easily considering how many mistakes he made. If you ask me, he should have lost in the end and there’s no way Tara should like the guy. You don’t have to go with the cheesy Hollywood ending when you’re a comedy film. It would have been so much funnier if she basically told him to get lost at that point. I don’t even think it would be mean spirited, it would just make sense if anything considering everything that just happened.

Overall 4/10

Rambo III Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

All right, we’ve made it to the end of the Rambo trilogy. The wheels are starting to fall off on this one. It’s actually still considerably better than the 4th film but that’s fairly easy. The sad part is that it easily has the best introduction out of any of the Rambo films. Rambo himself has finally found happiness. He’s an underground brawler who uses his skills in a non murderous way and has a humble living for himself. He uses the money to help out the locals and is a part of something bigger than himself. Naturally the government has to come and ruin that.

So basically Sam and the government show up to ask Rambo for his help once more. He wisely says no so they go without him and are quickly defeated. So Sam is captured and surprise….the enemies start torturing him. We all saw this coming already because this is Rambo and that’s how they set the stakes up really high. So the rest of the government shows up to ask Rambo to help and now it’s personal since Sam is his friend and Rambo takes up the call. Does he still have the skills to save the day?

The answer to that one is an easy yes. Rambo has always been a top notch fighter and that’s not stopping now. It is always good to see Rambo fighting and doing well of course but it’s just a shame that he can’t be allowed to ever have a good time for long. Sure you wouldn’t have a movie at that point with the same plot at least but throw in a multi year time skip like he was having fun for 5-10 years before they called him back.

One thing you will notice early on is that the pacing is incredibly slow though. While Sam is being tortured for the entire film in the B plot, Rambo spends the first 40 minutes actually getting to the conflict. First he has to trek through the desert, then he has to find the rebels, then they all get blown up, then he actually begins to fight. o the movie that you are here to watch about Rambo taking everyone out doesn’t happen until we’re roughly halfway through the film. That is an absolutely massive investment to make into the film.

It doesn’t help that the setting isn’t really my style either. In the desert it’s pretty much nonstop sand the whole time. It makes sense narratively as most of the war torn areas will naturally start to look the same but as a viewer I’d rather we’re in the big cities already. But yes back to the film, Rambo has to also play some local games before he can head out. It helps him bond with everyone but you also can’t help but feel like this was wasting a ton of time that allowed the villains to come in and take them down.

It’s not like you can live in fear or anything but you are in the middle of a war with enemies actively approaching so maybe now isn’t the best time for a game. The worst part is that apparently the game is really dangerous and it’s easy to get injured. Yeah this sounds worse and worse the more I talk about it. It makes no sense except as an excuse to have a big action set piece.

As always we do have Sam being the hype guy for Rambo which is nice but since he is captured the whole time it doesn’t help a whole lot. So if you’re hear for the hype then the first film does better. If you’re here for the action then the second film is more unrelenting. So this is just a weaker version. There’s also this kid who wants to help Rambo the whole time and it’s wholesome and all but he should be far away from the front lines here. Rambo does try to get rid of him as soon as possible though so props to him for that.

What I can say for the film as a positive is that the drop off isn’t dramatic. While it sounds bad compared to the first two films, it’s not like this is suddenly a 2 star film. It can be a little more boring but at least those scenes are moments where you don’t have to worry about a lot of violence or people being tortured so that’s a positive. Being boring isn’t great and that sounds like an insult in its own way but sometimes it can beat the alternative.

The action scenes do hold up well and the same is true of the special effects. The opening fight is the best part of the film like I mentioned before. It was a good way to re-introduce Rambo and show us how skilled he is. Considering how well trained he is and his athletics it would be nice to see him doing more activities like that outside of always being in a war zone. Maybe make him an instructor as a main plot at some point. Just anything but throwing him into another war torn battlefield. Styling on the enemy soldiers every time is great and all but surely you need some variety.

Overall, Rambo III is the start of the real decline for the series but we’re not at the bottom yet. I do think the series goes too far in establishing the stakes, relying on the same tools all the time but at least we do still have a great main character. The fights and action scenes are solid and when the film is going full blast it’s on point. It just tends to get sidelined the whole time. So if you like Rambo a lot then you should check it out but otherwise if you just liked the intro fight then you should watch Rocky to get the full film like that.

Overall 4/10

Rambo: First Blood Part II Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

We’re back to the world of Rambo. This time he’s on the offensive, ready to take down a whole squad of fighters. It’s nice to see him actually get to take on some villains this time and embrace the action setting where he can go all out but at the same time…this is still Rambo. So you can expect a heavy dose of violence the whole time with a pretty high body count. I would end up enjoying it more than the Rambo movies that would follow but it’s not exactly a high bar.

The film starts off by showing us that Rambo has been rotting away in a manual labor prison while Sam explains that he is still trying to help but it’ll take some time. There is a mission that Rambo can take on where he will be able to get a full pardon though. Yes this isn’t blackmail in the slightest! It’s purely a recon mission, Rambo needs to take photos to prove that there are prisoners of war over in Vietnam and then he has to get out. There will be no combat or anything like that.

Naturally this isn’t quite what happens. He ends up being thrown into a big fight and then betrayed by the rest of the unit. To Sam’s defense, he’s not the traitor here but he was played by the actual traitors which is almost as bad. This whole mission was basically a scam because the battle must go on and so Rambo is a casualty of war. The army is basically corrupt to the core in this film with Sam being the only decent member aboard.

This is one of those films where the corruption quickly gets very annoying though. Sam is muzzled very quickly despite being a fairly high ranking official in the first film. Yeah there’s always someone higher ranked but you still feel like he should have been able to do a whole lot more. Otherwise, what was really the point of getting such a high rank in the first place? Making him look helpless like this is just not a good look in the slightest. He ultimately comes through but it takes so long the whole time.

He’s still Rambo’s hype man but it would be nice if he could do a little more. Additionally I feel like the traitors get off rather easy here. Yeah someone gets hit but they do the whole “Don’t murder these guys or you’ll be just as bad!” which is always a bit on the iffy side. Especially in a down to Earth film like this because what that means is he can survive to mess more people over.

Sure we could assume he will go to jail and everything but if the corruption is this deep then that appears to be very unlikely. The fact that they were actively working with the soviets is just rough. Out of all the countries to be working with, that just looks incredibly bad.

Meanwhile on the ground front, Rambo does well as you would expect. Even by himself and incredibly outnumbered he takes down tons of soldiers and accomplishes his mission. He really never backs down and his training has really taken him a long way. Rambo makes for a good main character without a doubt and holds his own with any other action star.

The main heroine Co is also rather solid here. Things don’t go great for her which is pretty unfortunate though. She deserved a better ending. Ultimately in these films most of the characters don’t really get to last to the end outside of Rambo but this could have been a good exception. Additionally there are easy ways to write her out if you didn’t want her to be around for the sequel.

Rambo’s torture scene goes on for quite a bit as you would probably guess from the films. It’s basically not a Rambo film if that doesn’t happen to someone at least once. These films really feel like everyone’s worst nightmare about being caught in enemy territory. Your allies have abandoned you and you have no real chance of escaping. You’re definitely ready for his big escape and revenge montage of course but it’s a long road to get there. It’s the big weakness of the revenge thriller stories because you have to go through a lot to actually get to that point.

The villains are fairly generic. I thought that the villains in the first film left a lot more of an impact. The biggest villain here was probably the main army guy who was the lead traitor but of course he got off easy like I said earlier which was annoying. The real losers out of this were the other prisoners who were stuck in Vietnam. At least Rambo worked to save as many as possible but it all depends on how much you trust the government after this.

That’s why Sam should have been able to do more since it would have given you more hope in that guy. He should have at least have been allowed to bump off the main traitor villain because that would have given you a reason to think things were turning around. Hopefully he gets a better role in the third film…..

Overall, Rambo 2 really plays out like you would expect so I wouldn’t say that it’s misleading or anything. They double up on everything that made the original well remembered. There’s more action in this one, more revenge, and more thrills. Of course that also means the negatives stick around with it as well. Sometimes the trials the characters go through just overpower the positives and that’s the case here. Yes it will keep you engaged but there are enough violent moments that it’s not exactly a film you would really plan on rewatching. So ultimately I’m still saying to stick with the Rocky series over Rambo.

Overall 4/10

First Blood Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time to look at where it all started for Rambo. The guy’s definitely had to endure a whole lot over the years. It’s a bit more of a low key film than the sequels since it’s more about survival than nonstop fighting though. It can be a bit mean spirited though and some of the villains get off rather easy. Ultimately you can do a bit better for thriller films.

The film starts with Rambo approaching a small town. He finished a really tough tour in Vietnam and isn’t looking for any trouble as he passes through but unfortunately trouble finds him. Sheriff Will doesn’t take kindly to strangers and immediately gets aggressive. His corrupt deputies take sadistic pleasure in messing with Rambo as well to the point where they’re basically torturing him. Rambo tries to de-escalate things as much as possible but finally reaches his breaking point and tries to get out of there. He is still chased and in self defense fights back, which causes one of them to die. Will now vows to destroy Rambo no matter what and so Rambo will have to use his army training to take them down. The hunted has now become the hunter.

One thing I can say without the shadow of a doubt is that the premise is really good. A bunch of punks have basically picked a fight with someone who is far superior to them in every measurable ability. Rambo has actually been through a bunch of difficult situations and lived to tell about it. He’s had to hone his body and mind to their absolute peak in order to survive while these guys have likely never had to deal with a fraction of what he had to go through. Their attitudes aren’t justified in the slightest and they’re basically villains who have gotten ahold of some power. They’re lucky Rambo was as restrained as he was.

Throughout the movie he continues to take them down using non lethal means. I don’t think most characters would have been able to hold themselves back so much at that point. He does unfortunately take down the police dogs, rats, and other animals throughout the movie. There are enough scenes with animal violence that definitely take their toll on the film. Of course it’s self defense so you don’t blame Rambo himself but the film could have written its way around that too. The dogs are really paying for their corrupt owners.

In a way the film wants to keep from portraying Rambo as being too vindictive here but it’s part of what hurts the ending here. The whole cracking scene and speech at the end is intense but it feels like Rambo got the short end of the stick here. I do think that the sheriff and all of the main deputies needed to die by the end. At least show us some definitive punishment like they’re all locked up. It just seems like they got off easy even if many of them were seriously injured by the end, the death count wasn’t as big as you’d expect it to be.

It also takes away from the premise a little bit. In theory this is like a human predator movie with Rambo being so dangerous that he can take out a whole squad of men equipped with guns. You want to see him utterly dismantle the whole group but as a result there just isn’t a whole lot of time for that. I guess in a way we dodge some extra violence that way although the film is definitely still rather violent. Every quick cutaway to the Vietnam flashbacks is always intense after all and the injuries in the present are no picnic either.

You do feel the tension throughout the movie though as Rambo knows that making one mistake will mean his end. He has to play this absolutely perfect especially since he doesn’t want to murder anyone. He’s a good guy and the film certainly makes that clear. Will and the others are such over the top villains that you’re just rooting for them to lose. The best character in the film has to be Colonel Sam though. He works as Rambo’s hype man and the hype absolutely never stops. In every scene he is talking about how Rambo is on a completely different level and nobody can match him. It’s really quite impressive.

Again, this might be a case of the film not being able to live up to the hype there though as the way he hypes Rambo up, you’d expect him to take out a whole army. He still has a lot of difficulty here thanks to the self imposed restrictions and nearly gets murdered in the tunnel. I dunno, I guess I wanted more absolute domination after all of the speeches. It was always annoying whenever Rambo would lose ground. I did think Sam did not do a good job when he agreed to help Will and the others. He should have absolutely stuck to the “Get yourselves out of this problem” approach when they were being so unreasonable.

Ultimately Sam is good at his job and helps to de-escalate things but he could have just let Rambo go ham on everyone. By the end, the whole town was paying the price so you can see why he stepped in though. Either way this made for a good introduction and you can see how the studio would quickly want to make sequels soon. There’s a whole lot of ways you can progress from this initial plot although they never tackle the hunted theme again. Going forward you’re really going to see Rambo taking the offensive and destroying everything in his way.

Overall, First Blood was a reasonable way to start the series but is bogged down by the violence in general and also the animal violence. The lackluster ending/resolution for the villains also hurts. I get that they were law enforcement here but they were all super corrupt to the point of being gangsters so I don’t see any reason not to have them all bumped off. It’s a bit of a frustrating situation to be sure there. Well, at least it’s not like Rambo died or anything. Now that would have been an absolutely devastating ending.

Overall 4/10

The Land That Time Forgot Review

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It’s time for a dinosaur film with a group of people having to try and get along. You can probably guess how the latter goes but surprisingly the dinosaurs themselves don’t do much for a majority of the film. If anything it’s more about the cave people who tend to generally be annoying. Unfortunately this film uses time travel in the opposite way of how you would want it to be used. Ideally you always want to go to the future with lots of cool gadgets and awesome concepts. Instead it ended up going to the past which is not the direction you want to go. There just aren’t nearly as many possibilities to be had there.

The movie starts with a ship being destroyed and so only a few of the passengers manage to survive. They are able to use their quick wits to take over an enemy submarine though and after a lot of in-fighting they manage to get the ship landed on a mysterious island. This island is like something out of the prehistoric age. There are dinosaurs around, cave people, and basically no sign of modern civilization. This could spell trouble or the heroes could adapt to the place. They will need some oil in order to get the ship operational again but will they be able to survive long enough to do so? It will all come down to whether this group of adventurers can get along with each other.

Now I am poking fun at the idea of these guys all working together and that’s because there are a lot of reasons to hold grudges with each other. Half of the crew are British and the other half are German and they would quickly murder each other if given the chance. The Germans are the ones who blew up the British ship at the start and then now they were being held hostage. So resentment is quite high and they will only work together for as long as is necessary. If either side shows any sign of weakness then it is absolutely game over. There will be no coming back from that.

That’s why true teamwork just won’t work here. Yes a shared goal may sound like it’s enough but not when you know that the person behind you wants to absolutely destroy you as soon as possible. That just means you have to watch yourself carefully at all times. You don’t actually trust the person standing right next to you. In the film we see constant betrayals and the main group keeps on getting whittled down. Realistically if they were one tight unit then the film would have been over rather quickly. They would have easily been able to defend themselves from the dinosaurs, fight off the cave people, and get their oil. Instead all the bickering and arguing slowed them down a little too much.

The dinosaurs that we do see get to have some action and fights but they didn’t help the film. For one thing, the dinosaurs are not bullet proof at all so they’re getting riddled with bullets the whole time and dying. Their first death scene even takes forever which has one of the characters comment on it. It’s just a little rough to be seeing the dinosaur getting absolutely dominated like that. Typically you would expect them to be the scary antagonists right? Sure they do still scare everyone but you can’t take it quite as seriously as long as the guns are around.

So what you have is some extra animal violence here and that’s not even considering the dinosaur vs dinosaur fights. I would definitely recommend cutting the dinosaurs out of the film entirely since they don’t change much. That or just keep them in the background since the designs themselves weren’t bad. Meanwhile what also hurts the film generally are the cave people. Naturally it is hard to have a conversation with them due to the language barrier and so those scenes tend to drag on. We didn’t need the brief fanservice by showing us how the egg work with the tribe jumping into the pool and generally this is why I don’t care much for the past. It was less sophisticated and doesn’t end up being as entertaining.

Whenever the main characters were getting defeated I would be shaking my head. Yeah these cave people would be tough in close quarters combat but why take so long to ready your gun? Half the time the heroes were using the gun like a baseball bat rather than as a projectile. That’s definitely the way to lose a fight, it’s certainly not going to help you win one. I can guarantee you that! At least one guy remembered to flip the opponent and use his momentum against him. The rest were picked off like novices.

One thing I will give the film is that the writing is still pretty good. I at least liked the attempts at teamwork and there was some good banter here. Yeah you knew that the alliance was doomed but getting to that point was still written very well. It wasn’t like the characters were written out of character or that it was all contrived. I thought it was fairly realistic as to how this could all play out without diminishing the intelligence of any of the characters. So I definitely appreciated that.

Overall, The Land That Time Forgot is a film that’s not very good and large part it is due to the premise. I don’t think there’s a lot you can do about a movie going back to the olden days. It felt like the writers more or less knew what they were doing and they couldn’t save the concept. Even aside from the animal violence and the characters being more on the annoying side, I think the biggest issue was that the film could be rather boring at times. It feels long as you’re going through the movie and it would have been so much better if no such island ever showed up. Have the tension be about the characters needing to survive on a week’s worth of supplies with both sides getting more and more anxious about the situation. If you do that then I would argue that the whole movie would work a lot better. I know it is a completely different movie at that point though so for better or worse, that’s the way I can see to save this film. But hey it could have been a whole lot worse to be honest.

Overall 4/10

The Time Travelers Review

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It’s time for a movie that’s definitely more on the disappointing side. It’s not like I had massive hopes for it or anything like that but a film about time travel should always be exciting. Instead this one was just more of a let down. A lot of the time there was nothing going on in the movie and it felt like the story was constantly stalling for time. That is absolutely not the right way to make a good impression and so even the ending doesn’t land as well as it should have.

The film starts with a bunch of scientists working on their time device. They want to be able to peer into different time periods but they are using up a lot of energy and have no results. Danny is sent in there to tell them to cut it out but they try one more test. This time it works, only better than they expected. The “window” doesn’t just let them view other times, it actually lets them jump in as well. Now they are all trapped in the future with no way to get home. This is already bad but it turns out that the world is about to end. They will have to rely on the help of other scientists from the future who are rather suspicious.

The story sounds a lot more interesting than it actually is. You’ve got a whole race of brutes running across the planet and then you have “Deviants” who are part brute, part human. Stuff happened along with the mass bombing of the planet that caused people to not develop so much and this really split humanity. There’s a story somewhere in here about rebelling against this tyranny but there’s just no time. We already missed the collapse of modern civilization and these are the last scientists on the planet either way.

The brutes are also surprisingly weak. Guess how the main characters get them to go away…..they throw rocks at them. Yeah this is enough to make them retreat. It really makes no sense no matter how the film tries to spin it. I couldn’t believe how the whole crowd backed off from the main fighters because of this. There are some action scenes once in a while during the movie but never for long. You don’t need this for a time travel movie but at the same time it means that I couldn’t really take the villains all that seriously.

Then we also have some random fanservice near the middle of the movie. The scene has absolutely no point being in here and you could say that about quite a few other scenes. The film takes us through the long process of building and fixing androids. I imagine they will have been doing this for a very long time because these androids are super flimsy. I’d trust Flippy the modern burger A.I. over some of these things. The brutes destroy them with ease. Couldn’t the scientists have taught the robots to throw rocks or something?

Now in part this is a problem with the film being so old but the so called high tech civilization don’t really feel that advanced. They’re also not very reasonable but that’s just human nature so I could roll with that. The only thing I will defend them on is not wanting to alter the plan to leave the planet. They already spent years getting the perfect window set up and it’s reasonable to assume that they would be obliterated by the villains if they stay for much longer. So it sucks for the main scientists but they can’t exactly wait for them.

This could all be very fascinating if you didn’t have to sit through 20 minutes of comedy music while the heroes walk around the base doing nothing. It felt like the script for this film was only around 30 minutes so they really had to stretch this for as long as possible. Not a good idea by any stretch of the imagination. Again, the story itself is very interesting but it was executed in the worst way possible. The film’s biggest error is really that it can just get rather boring at times. That shouldn’t be possible for a time travel film. It should be extremely engaging and fascinating the whole time.

The pacing is just so bad. The film’s not even very long but it sure feels like a lengthy epic as a result of the decisions made here. I was shaking my head the whole time. Lets quickly list the cool concepts the movie had that weren’t explored much at all. 1. The warring factions with the brutes, 2. The poor guy in the middle of this who is shunned by humans and monsters. How did he even break into the ship? 3. The guy who was trigger happy from the future scientists. I felt like he was going to get a much bigger role, etc. There was a ton of meat left on the table for this movie.

The only part of the film that I will give some decent credit for being original is the ending. Sure, it’s something you may have seen before in some way or another but it’s not an option that tends to be picked. So actually seeing this ending was pretty fun and makes a whole lot of sense. It all depends on the rules for time travel that the verse picks but this is one that’s always interesting and works to prevent any kind of a paradox. The ending alone isn’t worth watching the film of course but if you are intrigued, this could help enhance the movie just a little bit.

Overall, The Time Travelers is not a very good film. It spends way too much time on filler moments and not actually advancing the plot. Every time the heroes would take a break to just marvel at the future I would get annoyed. Particularly since none of the stuff was all that impressive either. None of the characters really stand out either and the film’s weak attempt at a romance here falls flat. Yeah you’re really not missing much by skipping this film. It will ultimately stay forgotten.

Overall 4/10

My Blue Heaven Review

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All right it’s time for another retro film as we go way back to 1950 on this one. It’s an old school musical with a whole lot of songs so you don’t have to worry about running out of those. Unfortunately the main character loses a lot of points by the end and the characters definitely don’t always make the right moves.

The movie starts with Kitty and Jack having a big celebration because they are finally having a kid. Everything is looking really good until they are in a car crash and Kitty loses the baby. Now her only option is adoption but the orphanage doesn’t think people in the TV business like Kitty and Jack would make for good parents. They need to find some way to get a kid though but what can they do. What even are their options at this point? One thing’s for sure, if they get too desperate they may end up getting into trouble.

I can see why it would be a bit of a tougher sell for the orphanage on a couple like Kitty and Jack who both work. Especially back in 1950 when this was far less common. It would mean they would need to hire a baby sitter and as we saw later in the film, that’s not always a good option. So the orphanage may have been onto something at least to a small percent although of course the main couple actually was responsible. They just didn’t leave a great first impression.

Where they got a bit too desperate was when they decided to do this behind the books. They went to some shady people at the back of a restaurant and ignored a ton of red flags in order to take the baby. Jack in particular messed up on this one since they had been leaving when his willpower weakened. The film mainly tries to dodge this plot for later on with an easy resolution when that could have really gone sideways.

Jack’s biggest mistake was cheating on Kitty with a younger actress known as Gloria. That whole scene was crazy and completely dooms his character. The fact that he wasn’t even fighting by the end and seemed eager for more before Kitty walked in was just sad. Yeah he got his excuses lined up and we can assume it’s all happily ever after but it’s just unfortunate how he proved all of the friends and neighbors right. They figured he couldn’t be trusted by himself and well, he couldn’t. The guy was practically encouraging Gloria by the end.

So yeah he looks pretty bad throughout. Kitty fares better in the film but has her own share of issues like when she allows the hired help to boss her around. Kitty brought in a nurse for when she has to go to work but she lets this person boss her around during the day to the point where she isn’t allowed to hold her own baby? That makes absolutely no sense, it’s just completely backwards. Yeah that’s not very smart and at least eventually she fired that person.

The main cast is rather small but there are a few supporting characters. The main two important ones would be the other couple who are always around to cause some trouble. Whether it’s by finding shady deals for more babies or throwing a party which doomed the odds for the first try, something is always going on here. They don’t always have a lot of tact and the party going on for so long is part of why the main duo crashes in the first place. Technically this influence ended up being a net negative for the main characters.

One thing that doesn’t really help the film is that none of the music is all that good. It’s a big contrast to the writing where I tend to enjoy older films for how the writing style was but I tend to dislike or be generally indifferent to older style music. Give me concert type films over musicals any day as those tend to have a lot more life to them. At the end of the day this one really could not keep up. I won’t really remember any of the tunes by the next day.

The baby scenes don’t really do anything for me in terms of helping the film or being funny so the film has to try and have a blast around those moments. The dog was nice though and always good to see. Whenever a pet appears in a film without an action context or anything then I can generally be assured that it’s going to enhance the movie. There should be no risk of anything negative happening to the pup after all. I also appreciated the maid who was a fun character. Honestly she got the roughest bit of things because the characters were never really being all that nice to her or embracing he positive energy that she was throwing out. That’s definitely something that they need to work on.

If I could do something differently here, it’s that I would have focused more on the main characters’ radio career. I think those shows have a lot of potential to them, far more than the TV versions. On the radio it’s all audio so no reason to be running around with all these big productions. Instead it’s more about telling a good story and being dramatic. The opening segment about the IRS for example was better than any of the shows that came before it. Don’t introduce Gloria a a character and I think you’ve got a whole lot going on here to be a big success.

Overall, My Blue Heaven is a film that definitely throws a lot at the main characters. Some of the problems are self inflicted while others are really outside of their control. As with most musicals the songs themselves aren’t all that good but the film does have a chipper feel to it the whole time. Jack ultimately cracking and giving in to the dark side keeps this film from going above breaking even, particularly with how easy he was let off. Still, if you want to check out an old school musical then this could be the one that is up your alley. Just don’t expect great characters or anything like that.

Overall 4/10

Ghostbusters (2016) Review

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This film was definitely quite infamous when it came out. Trust me it’s definitely deserved although the film is at least a little more fun when you watch it as a complete parody. That’s how it should have been marketed to be honest because this film is not serious in the slightest. I’d argue that it is practically a parody to be honest even though I know how crazy that might sound. Every few minutes there is some kind of gag to undercut the whole thing which is exactly what a parody would do right? At least that’s the way it seemed to me. In a way this could have actually been an interesting angle if you treated it like an SNL skit to really be authentic but it doesn’t quite work.

The film starts off with Erin doing her best to deliver quality lectures and be a respected teacher. Unfortunately a ghost of her past has appeared. See, when she was younger she co-wrote a book with Abby about the supernatural and now it is something she is embarrassed by. Also, they had agreed to never publish the book and why isn’t Erin getting any of the royalties? She confronts Abby and begs her to take the book down but instead she is repeatedly bullied and humiliated by Abby. Erin loses her job as a result and now her only shot at success is to team up with Abby and her partner Holtz in finding some actual ghosts. She will be….a Ghostbuster!!

This is one of those films that peaks early which is a problem for it. About 80% of the best gags and moments are all in the first 30 minutes of the film. I really enjoyed the dynamic with Erin and Abby and how much they hated each other. They were so bitter about everything and Erin would constantly be professional only for Abby to stab her in the back. This happens over and over which was just great. Then you had another good gag with a fake-out involving a dead guy and his grand son. Good stuff…lets not forget the intro stinger either. It felt like the movie was really going places. It was also interesting to have one of the supporting characters be that really annoying Gabe character from the final seasons of the Office. Never thought I’d see him anywhere else again.

So how does the film falter? Well, once Erin and Abby agree to bury the hatchet, the film tries to play things a little closer to the vest. It acts as a normal action comedy film with the characters fighting Ghosts but it doesn’t have the script needed to pull this off. The jokes get more and more cringeworthy as the movie goes on. It starts to rely on the same jokes over and over again like Kevin being super dumb and this just doesn’t work. It’s a little too overblown and again…repetition is the enemy of a good gag. If you rely on the same joke too often then it is inevitable that it will fail. I guarantee you 100% that it’s not going to be a good idea. Even the best joke won’t work if you run it into the ground.

For Kevin…every 2 minutes he is on screen a gag like this is going to show up. So those really hurt and he’s also not remotely a likable character. There’s no point for him to be here except to be the butt of the jokes and hey that’s the comic relief character’s role but in this case it’s really not worth it. Cutting him out would have been better for the whole film. The other supporting character Patty is a lot better and even she’s not great.

At least she is an actual character though and can keep up the banter with the others. If only the banter was good though. Holtz is the third member of the trio with Abby and Erin but there isn’t a ton for her to do. She’s the “tough” character of the 3 but they’re all so inept that it isn’t really saying anything. Abby is the worst of the 3 and is completely awful at everything she tries. So yeah she embraces the comedy role as well but as one of the main characters this doesn’t work too well. Erin was the best by far at first but then she has the character gag of drooling over Kevin the whole time which loses her massive points.

If you were hoping that the villains would save the day then think again. Rowan is the main villain here and he’s super whiny the whole time. He wants to help the ghosts make a comeback and all but you can’t take him seriously at all. Then you have the Marshmallow Man in his big comeback appearance where he is treated pretty awfully. He falls on the first two characters and then the third one just oneshots him from being with a little pinprick thing. Definitely a disrespectful way to go out here. Of course it’s all played as a comedic kind of thing but that’s probably something to save for a sequel when you’re earned the cache to pull that off.

The cameos for previous Ghostbusters as different characters was much better. Now that’s a fun easter egg for fans. I also liked the new take on the Mayor and his flunkies as they get in the Ghostbusters way. Having them be fully aware of what’s going on and having to put up an act the whole time is great. That’s what I would expect them to do in this situation and so it matches up.

The fact that the film doesn’t pull up the classic Ghostbusters theme is a shame though. I was really waiting for that. So I think what hurts this film is that it’s not exactly sure of what it’s doing. You have 3 real options as a big reboot like this. (I’d say it’s definitely not in continuity so I’m treating it as a reboot).

1. You play it straight as a new take on the series. Keep any easter eggs to a minimum and try to win fans over with your fresh direction. You need to have full confidence to pull this off.

2. You go for outrage and do your best to mock the fans of the originals. Something like the Velma series or Teen Titans Go where you go out of your way to slap fans across the face. If you take it far enough it can double back around into being endearing.

3. You go for nostalgia. Plug the film full of easter eggs, references, and wink wink moments. Do this if you’re not really confident in your abilities as a writer and you need to borrow from the old material to get fans into the door.

I feel like this film is mixing all 3 of them. It certainly does a good amount of 2 and 3 so in that case you could have just made it in continuity and been direct about that but the film is also trying to set up the next generation with these all new ghostbusters which doesn’t work. It’s rare to make a successful new branch of the series over the bodies of the old ones. You have to be careful how you do it or you’re always gonna get a bunch of issues.

Overall, In the end I didn’t think this film was very confident in itself. Yeah the original Ghostbusters were comedies as well but they still had their serious moments and they had a tendency to keep the balance very well. This is more like one of those modern films that feels like it can’t stand to be serious for more than 3-4 minutes at a time without cracking a big joke. The tension must always be cut as soon as possible and that’s always going to put you in a tough spot. You can always get a free out of jail card if the jokes are actually funny of course. That’s an exception to virtually every rule but the jokes here by and large were no funny. I still did really like the first part of the movie but it all started to go downhill from there with no way up. Something tells me that this film isn’t really going to be making a comeback with guest star appearances or anything in the new films. But hey I could be off base there. For now I would say to skip this one and focus on other Ghostbuster titles.

Overall 4/10