Category Archives: 1 Star Movies

3 Women Review

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It’s time for one of those very weird films where everybody is kinda crazy. Unfortunately instead of getting super invested in what’s going on this is the kind of film where you’ll be checking your watch a few times. The story beats don’t really follow very logically and so the movie just doesn’t feel very satisfying. Definitely wasn’t my cup of tea.

The film follows 3 women as you can tell based on the title but one of them barely gets to do anything. So Pinky has just started working at a health recovery type spot for old people. She is fairly timid and has a hard time making friends so she ends up gravitating towards Millie, a girl who is constantly talking. Millie has no problems striking up a conversation with anybody but the thing is, nobody listens to her and nobody even wants to talk to her. People straight up ignore her most of the time and want nothing to do with her. I get the feeling it could be because Millie just seems fake or brings too much drama. Either way Pinky figures this is her chance and grabs the application to become roommates with her. Will this work out?

It’s sort of a worst case scenario for Pinky to be honest. Millie is a bit oblivious to the fact that everyone ignores her although to an extent I think she realizes but is so deep into the act that she can’t give up now. Thing is, she is not interested in talking to Pinky and that’s the one person who will listen to her. So it’s a pretty rough cycle as Millie is super critical of Pinky and basically talks down to her the whole time. If you weren’t sure what a toxic friendship looked like, this would be it. The amount of gaslighting here goes pretty crazy.

For that reason Millie isn’t even remotely likable. She’s just way too desperate for attention even if that means sleeping around and being a bully. This certainly won’t help her attract the right attention either. The tables turn on her in the second half and it’s hard to feel too bad for her. When you have a lead like this then the film is already in a bit of trouble.

As for Pinky, she is also getting herself into this mess. Yes, she is starved for attention but the moment that means trying to get close to someone like Millie who is verbally abusive the whole time, you know you’ve gone too far. Pinky can also be quite nosy like when she was reading Millie’s diary on the sneak. Then after Pinky’s incident, she does a complete 180 and basically starts to act like Millie which means absorbing all of her flaws. By the end of this there was nothing likable about her either.

Finally we have the third woman Willie who draws abstract graffiti onto the ground, walls, and wherever she likes. She’s been pregnant for a while but her husband isn’t the loyal type and so she’s basically on her own. She is chronically depressed the whole time and the end of the film is certainly not kind to her. Her mind is thoroughly broken by the end of the film like everyone else’s so there was really nobody spared. She is really lacking in screentime but gets more involved for the end of the film.

The film definitely gets as edgy as possible with no proper character models in the whole film. Each character is out for herself and only does what will put her ahead. None of them seem to have proper values at all. All of the people partying at the building lobby seem just as bad and even in the workplace nobody seems to care about anything. The movie definitely portrays a very depressing landscape for all of the characters involved.

There aren’t really any happy moments in the film. Even without the terrible ending the movie wasn’t on pace to be anything super good either. It should have leaned into the weird angle a bit more instead of being this odd drama. Like we meet Pinky’s parents and they just seem really weird the whole time. You can definitely see how Pinky would have had a rough upbringing with these two at the helm. Yet the film just disregards them quickly, their weird scenes are just there and then they’re gone.

Instead of being a realistic look at each character having a psychological breakdown, have there be some supernatural moments. Have some ghosts appear, demons possessing the main characters, things like that. That would have absolutely been infinitely more interesting and given the film more of a central focus. This way you aren’t sure how much of what you see on screen is really happening naturally or what is being supernaturally meddled with. Lots of possibilities there without a doubt.

Overall, 3 Women was definitely a pretty terrible film. It messes up on virtually every element from the main characters to the story, to the ending. It missed the main part of just being a fun story. One key change that could have been good would have been to have had Millie and Pinky actually getting along the whole time. Have things be going well, then one day Millie gets upset and yells at Pinky which leads to the accident. It would play up more on Pinky not knowing how to handle the situation as opposed to Millie being a bully the whole time and that being the moment where it went too far. Would have been more realistic but more importantly it would have given us some positive scenes to enjoy before things got all depressing again. That would have been the much better approach if you ask me. Although if the ending was unchanged then I don’t think the film would have had much luck anyway. It definitely crosses the line of being too tragic. Unless you want to watch a film about a depressing town with a lot of depressed people in it, this is a film to avoid.

Overall 1/10

Final Destination 3 Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a really bad film and trust me when I say it’s reallllllly bad. At the same time, I didn’t quite think it was a 0 so we have that going for the film. It’s probably the best thing I can say about it to be honest. Like there’s really nothing good about it but I didn’t feel like it was worthy of being at the very bottom of the bucket. Small mercies and all right? Still, if you’ve made it to Final Destination 3 then I imagine you’re probably at least a slight fan of the series so maybe you’ll appreciate this one more than I did.

The film starts off with a bunch of annoying teenagers enjoying a fair and messing around. They all tend to be unlikable jerks and the kind of cliques that you’d want to avoid. If you see them coming then you need to cross the street but it’s probably too late by that point. They decide to head on a roller coaster but Wendy gets the feeling that they’re all going to die so she makes a huge scene and gets off. This starts a chain reaction of other kids getting off and the ones who stay all get destroyed. Now Wendy is feeling some survivor’s guilt and most of the other kids aren’t even grateful that she saved them. It was all coincidence and all that. The problem is that death is mad about the way they survived this and has decided to bump them off one by one. Can they find a way to stop such an all powerful being or is this going to be yet another lesson in futility?

This is a problem with a lot of supernatural slashers which is that we all know the heroes have absolutely no chance. What are you going to do against an opponent who can’t die, can’t feel pain, etc. Death is also immortal so he has all day while the main characters will eventually slip up. Death has no true weaknesses or limitations in his abilities either so yeah this is going to be a long film for the characters. It would help if Death himself actually appeared to gloat or something but he’s treated more like a natural disaster. He also seems like a troll since you could make the case that he gave Wendy the vision in the first place. Sort of like he is bored and just needs a reason to keep on murdering.

Right off the bat the film isn’t helping itself either with all the demonic imagery. Yeah it makes sense to remind the characters how evil everything is but they could have at least pretended to have a little subtlety. Then we also have to make one of the characters a total creep which is annoying. He basically exists to annoy and pester the girls. Even the main guy who we’re supposed to be sympathetic for, decides to take an inappropriate photo of one of the girls in his first scene. The film goes out of its way to make the characters super unlikable.

It’s one of those tactics I understand because then you don’t feel as bad when they are bumped off, but this backfires almost every time I would say. After all you’re now following a bunch of characters who are all just pretty bad. Also not all of them are as bad as the others so some of them feel like they are paying a price that is way too drastic. For example there are two girls who are not very smart, they shown to be rather shallow and really unaware of what’s going on but that’s hardly enough for them to get a grisly murder. You can’t put them in the same category as the perv or the guy who is always ready to pick a fight.

At the end of the day, almost all of the characters are going to get bumped off regardless. I suppose life not being fair could be just another message but it’s not one that I’m a fan of. Then you also have Wendy figuring out the death rules but it doesn’t really make much sense. At least in the first two films you had the mysterious guy throwing in a bunch of lore and helping to confirm what’s true but here she picks up on all of it with the flimsiest reasonings possible. You have a very hard time believing that she actually pieced the puzzle together like that.

For starters, the roller coaster deaths seem hard to predict the order of compared to the airplane. It would have been way harder to keep track of them all. Then conveniently there are people covering the photos at times right up until the murder happens. Again, it feels like death is just trolling the whole time which means the main characters are even more doomed than usual. Mix in how over the top violent it is and that’s a recipe for disaster. What you end up wishing for by the end is at least a few normal deaths. A relatively quick/painless death instead of it always having to be super disturbing.

Maybe have one character cheat death several times with some cool athletics or something. You can afford to lighten up the tone just a little bit instead of the films always being so somber. Even the shock ending isn’t quite as shocking as it could have been. I will say that the subway seems like a fun backdrop though so I’d be cool with that being the main setting for one of these films. Perhaps it would get old quick but I think there is some potential there. Not that this franchise as a whole has much potential though. First thing you need to do is come up with some actual likable characters. Something that can be used as a foundation to push the film forward. Throw in a real plot and definitely give Death at least the illusion of a weakness. If you do that then perhaps we can actually have an adventure.

Overall, Final Destination 3 is definitely the weakest entry in the series. It’s really just an excuse to have a bunch of characters all murdered in very grisly ways. You could say that’s always been the point but at least there was some semblance of a story stringing it all together. I would say this film barely even bothers with the pretense. The characters just keep getting bumped off and at no point in the film are you actually having any fun. It’s just all way too grim dark the whole time for any of that. Definitely stay far away from this film and you will be glad you did. You won’t be missing anything of value here.

Overall 1/10

Storm Warning Review

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It’s time for a look at one of those films where things were definitely not going very well for the heroes. The first half is a very compelling story about just how corrupt things can get in a small town that doesn’t have enough checks and balances while the second half turns into a more exploitative film that focuses too much on punishing the main heroine for her mistakes. Ultimately this one really fell off a cliff and squandered its potential.

The film starts off with Marsha on the way to another modeling gig but she decides to get off the train early to visit her sister Lucy. Lucy got married a few years back but Marsha never got to visit her. She even steals a few of the company’s dresses to celebrate the occasion. Unfortunately the town is really not that friendly and almost immediately she sees the KKK executing someone. Marsha finally makes it to her sister Lucy but discovers that her husband was one of the members responsible. He begs her not to say anything or bad things will occur while the DA Rainey says she is his only hope. He’s been trying to stop the KKK for years but to no avail. With her help this can finally change. Will she side with justice and save the town or sacrifice them all for her sister’s happiness?

It doesn’t seem like a very hard choice to be honest since she already knows that Lucy’s husband Hank is no good. Yes, Lucy has decided to stay with him but if Marsha gets him behind bars or into the chair then she will be able to force the issue. Often times people are blind to their significant other’s faults in the pursuit of love and so you have to help them make the tough calls. Marsha also needs to think about the rest of the town which will really be doomed if this keeps up. Perhaps in the short term they may seem okay with a lot of them being members of the KKK so they’re together in their crimes but criminals never end up staying in peace for long.

Unfortunately Marsha tends to make the worst decisions throughout the movie and also has to be one of the least intelligent main characters that I’ve seen in a long time. Stealing the dresses was bad on a moral level even before lying on the stand. Then for not being smart, she continues to antagonize the villains after they have already won. So they don’t really have to worry about anything and that includes being pleasant to her at all. When she gets back to Lucy’s home she doesn’t really have a care in the world as she doesn’t even close the door when changing despite already knowing that Hank’s not a good guy.

Then threatening to his face how she’s going to ruin his life and destroy the group was also not smart in the least. It would have been nice if she at least had a weapon of sorts and was ready to end this guy but that wasn’t the case. So ultimately it just ended up being a bunch of hot air that made her situation worse the whole time. The film really puts her through the wringer throughout the climax and you feel like it’s the film punishing her for making the wrong decision but it goes way too far.

Hank had been flirting with her from the start despite being married and as the big villain, he decides to just take her by the end. It’s definitely one of the worst kind of plot points you can have in any movie and he gets away with far too much before he’s stopped. We already knew he was the villain so the movie definitely didn’t need to go that far. I’d say they should have deleted the whole scene entirely.

Meanwhile Lucy also ends up having to pay a lot for her naivety throughout the movie. She kept on insisting that Hank wasn’t all that bad and all as she ignored all of the evidence in front of her. It’s a real shame because she didn’t seem like a bad person but unfortunately anyone can make bad decisions. Hers ended up involving a whole lot of people and so you figured things wouldn’t go very well for her either.

In general there are very few likable characters here. In fact, the only likable character here is Rainey. He’s at least trying to get to the bottom of this and doing his absolute best to make a difference. He’s taking a rather large risk in even broaching the subject considering how many people want him out of the picture. He was willing to risk it all on more than one occasion and nobody else can say that. His deputy and a few of the other cops at least follow him so they get some points there but nobody would have been proactively doing anything if not for Rainey. Even when he gets discouraged, the guy doesn’t give up. Figuring out where the group would meet in the end was definitely smart.

Meanwhile the main villain Barr definitely had a lot of nerve the whole time. It’s easy to see how he became the leader because he is very good at threatening the other characters. Absolutely nobody wanted to get in his way at all. He clearly had other characters afraid and even by the end he wasn’t about to give up. They had to really take him in by force. The rest of the characters folded a lot quicker when under pressure though. It does feel like there’s not a lot of hope left for the town with how many people were members though. They’re all complicit in what was going on as a result and while it’s good that Rainey stopped them, he should probably deem the town a lost cause and head on out afterwards. Once someone has been a part of a group like that, it’s hard to ever trust them again.

Overall, Storm Warning had a very strong start with the whole conspiracy/mystery angle. It was really interesting to see just how ominous and shady everything was. Unfortunately the film dropped the subtlety and just went for straight trauma after that. One common pitfall a film can make is allowing the villains to get away with too much. Making things too dark and edgy to really hammer home that the heroes are on the backfoot here. When you go too hard into something like that, it unfortunately ends up messing up the film as a whole. So in the end this is a film that I would highly recommend staying away from. The writing and overall quality just take such a nose dive after the trial ends that it almost feels like a different film by that point.

Overall 1/10

The Call Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a film involving the 911 operations and how they really have to go through a lot. We hear about a ton of different crimes going on and the whole film is about being in the middle of a tragedy and how the operators ultimately won’t be able to stop everyone. It doesn’t make for the most enjoyable film that’s for sure.

The movie introduces us to Jordan who is one of the best in the business for 911 operators. She’s been at this for a while and knows how to very quickly enter in all of the combinations and do what she has to. Unfortunately she makes a big mistake in one case which causes the victim to be murdered so she transfers out of active duty and into a teaching role. She is pulled back in though when there is a big kidnapping case and Jordan is the only one with the skills to handle the call. Will she be able to save the victim this time or is it game over for her?

I’d say the main issue with this film is that it’s one of those movies that relies a whole lot on shock value. They want to really show just how bad the villain is so we have to watch large parts of his crimes in full detail. The scenes go on for a very long time and it’s all pretty tragic. A film that is more confident in its writing and overall abilities would leave more to the imagination and just hit us with the need to know bits. Instead this film goes all in on this to its own detriment. It doesn’t end up being a film that you would really want to watch at all as you’re ready to turn it off after the opening minutes.

Even the crimes we get over the intercom tend to mainly be rather grisly to remind people how tough the job is. For sure being a 911 operator is not something that would be for everyone. It’s incredibly difficult and high stress. For those reasons it is probably a good idea to have a film on it to remind people of that but this film just lacked any kind of subtlety which put it in a rough position right from the jump. I would say the film really shouldn’t have shown the first crime or at least made more parts of it be off screen. It’s just a real mean spirited intro.

Then for the main part of the film you at least figure Jordan will be taking the villain down before he can do much but he gets away with way too much. When we get to his base it seems like this guy has been in the business for a while which is extra grim dark and the girl was injured a whole lot before Jordan is able to get there. When the villain gets away with this much it just ends up making the end of the film feel like a very hollow victory instead of the full success that it should have been. It’s like something got lost midway through the film rather than it being a big success.

Jordan does her best as the main character and while she did make a huge mistake, it is something that could happen to anyone. She has seemingly had a spotless career up to this point and has handled many calls. Jordan also knew when it was time to leave active duty and did this in a way where she wouldn’t put anyone in danger by freezing up. Ultimately even by the end she was willing to put herself in a lot of danger to help the victim so I can appreciate that.

The ending of the film is going for that classic revenge kind of feel and I do think it’s one of the problems with shock value type films. You basically make the villains so evil and over the top that you can then give license to the heroes to do something equally cruel back to them. It gives the audience vindication and everything. I can see the satisfaction there but honestly the best kind of ending is just shooting the villain and keeping it moving. A quick death and you send a message to the rest of the crooks. It may not be as satisfying in the moment but it helps to prevent the film just getting more and more violent the whole time.

It goes without saying that the film is super violent and has a lot of dark tones so that’s another reason you wouldn’t recommend this title to just anyone. It’s also one of those films where anyone who stands up to the main villain isn’t going to do so well. For example we have someone who tries to call the cops and get attacked but from then on doesn’t look very good at all. You knew he was doomed from the start though and I don’t get how he lowered his guard. A second guy at the gas station even had a weapon and a drop on the main villain but then he lowers his guard to open the door?

Lets just keep this simple, if you see someone had kidnapped a girl you already know he’s deranged. So you don’t need to be looking around wondering what to do. You gotta keep him in front of you and either finish him off or hold him til the cops arrive. Opening the door to try and get the girl out isn’t going to help at all. 9 times out of 10 she is likely going to be in no physical position to help and if anything you just made it tougher because he can grab her as a hostage or something. You have to win the 1 on 1 fight first and then worry about all of that.

Overall, The Call is a pretty terrible movie all around. It’s super cliche’d and predictable the whole time. At most the only unpredictable part is how far the film takes things because I thought it would have at least some basic restraint. Definitely one you will want to skip at all times. There are no real positives to be said about this journey. This kind of plot at least regarding the kidnapping has been done way better in numerous films. This one is just relying too much on that classic kind of shock value that you would expect from a B movie. The whole thing has that forced dark tone about it. I’d definitely wait for a remake someday to iron out all the flaws and make this into a much better film. They can do it….I’m sure they can. It’s hard to get much worse after all.

Overall 1/10

Scream Blacula Scream Review

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It’s time for the next Blahhhhhhcula film. The name just makes that joke too easy! But yeah this is not a good film and you likely knew that going into it. It’s another really cheap vampire film that’s doing its best to impress and scare you but instead it has the opposite effect. You will be rolling your eyes at this one and wondering when it’s over. There’s nothing to really like about this film as it squanders any decent ideas that might have been thrown into the mix.

The film starts with the queen of voodoo dying so she quickly forgets to name a successor. It has to come down to a vote now and everyone knows it will be Lisa which infuriates Willis. He decides to do something about this and messes with some bones until he resurrects Blacula. Blacula quickly turns Willis into a vampire and then decides to go on another murder spree. Will anyone be safe from all of these murders? Lisa will need to watch out since she is now the one with the strongest Voodoo energy. If she ends up siding with Blacula then all hope may be lost.

So lets get this out of the way, the film has a ton of the usual blood sucking right out of the gate. You’ll be grimacing the whole time because this is not what you signed up for. Not at all! I mean that sounds like I’m in denial but you can do a vampire film without all of that. These also have to be the longest blood drain scenes that I’ve come across. Seriously there’s just no end to them. They keep going on and on and on. If you ask me personally the best thing to do here would have been to do a quick cut. You get the initial bite and then skip.

Although it’s clear that the film was pretty proud of these scenes for how drawn out they were. Even the moments leading up to the bites, you got zoom ins on the teeth early on. At least some of the victims were asking for it like the random guys trying to bully Blacula in the streets. It was nice to bump them off but we can do better than the classic bite every time. So right off the bat the film was already doomed thanks to this.

Then the characters aren’t smart at all. Lisa already knows that Blacula is murdering people and yet by the end she wants to help him and everything? Noooo that’s not cool. She still seems shocked when he continues to hurt people but he’s been doing that since the very beginning so there’s no excuse there. He didn’t change, he was evil right from the jump. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain the whole time. Also considering her psychic voodoo powers, she still looks very weak the whole time.

She is easily suckered by her friend who turned vampire and then tries to drain her. Shouldn’t Lisa have some kind of supernatural defenses? So that’s a big strike against her character right from the jump. Then after that we’ve also got the fact that she doesn’t immediately end Blacula when she has the doll. Just stab it or put it in a choke hold. Instead she takes ages which nearly costs her.

All right, one slight positive for the film. I really liked the confrontation between Justin and Blacula where we have a really tense talk. Both of them are casually murdering the other one and it’s a very boss moment for Justin. Not a smart one mind you, since Blacula could have murdered him at any point. Still, it showed that he was ready to stand his ground. The film is really reusing this from other titles but it still hit right. It’s the best scene in the film by far.

In general I was glad that the cops got involved as well. They actually get to fight it out with the vampires which was pretty cool. We get some actual battle scenes although the cops have a bad habit of hesitating. Look, these are vampires, you have to just take them out. Use the stake or it will be used against you. I did wonder why they wouldn’t re-use a stake though. For example one guy uses his stake and then gets rushed by a second vampire so he cuts it in half to use a new one. Many cops just gave up once they used their 1 stake and got wrecked.

Just pull it out of the dead body and use it again. It’s still made of wood so I’m confident that it will work as many times as needed. These guys really need to learn basic combat skills. The whole film should have been the general confrontation because that would actually be an original take. The full might of the police force against the personal army of vampires that Blacula built up. That had a lot of potential over the usual stuff.

Instead what the film decided to focus on in terms of being unique is the voodoo witchcraft nonsense. Those scenes are some of the worst. They’re super dragged out as well with everyone hopping around and feeling the vibes. They don’t add anything to the film and instead subtract from it. So really you are always looking forward to the few police/Justin scenes but every time Blacula or the Voodoo stuff is on screen the film falls down quickly. We also get a random animal violence when a bird is destroyed. The film needs to do better!

Overall, If you really enjoy seeing the blood sucking scenes from a vampire film then this is your title. I still can’t think of any title that dragged them out nearly this much. However, there is no other reason to watch this film and waste your time. Blacula is not a series that will go down in history as being anything decent. It was really a full on gimmick from start to finish and one that didn’t find its footing. You could have had some interesting social themes here or given Blacula a real personality beyond just draining people. At times it felt like the film was going to perhaps go down that route and then he just starts murdering everyone again. So the film couldn’t resist going back to its roots of shock value. If we ever get a modern reboot, maybe it could change things.

Overall 1/10

Shakma Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

All right it’s time for a pretty spooooky film. I mean it is basically a horror and the enemy is like a creature so I’d say it fits the bill. The movie is definitely an intense one but suffers from all of the usual issues like animal violence and over the top violence in general. This film will have you wincing almost constantly which as you can imagine, can make it hard for the film itself to succeed.

The film starts off with a bunch of doctors/assistants gearing up for their next big game. They run a sort of dungeons and dragons type game in the hospital. After hours they set up all of the rooms and lock down each of the floors. The professor has a virtual system to keep track of everything and coordinates the efforts as the Gamemaster. The first person to get enough clues and free the princess wins. They’ve been doing this for a long time with no problems but one of the girls accidentally mentions the game in front of one of the new hires. Now he wants to play too but the guy’s not very serious and could hold them back. So the characters decide to give him the role of monster to scare people and afterwards he finds out that he’s missing out on a date by being here. So he intends to sabotage the game so that it goes very quickly but what none of them realize is that a dangerous monster is already on the loose, Shakma! Shakma is aiming to destroy all of them as soon as possible so he must not be underestimated.

So Shakma is a baboon and not the most intimidating one on sight. He is fierce and aggressive but you’re jus wondering what would make him scary. Do you really fear such an opponent as this guy? He tends to murder everyone with a quick bite as the first blow and then once the opponent is on the ground it’s over. It’s technically a pretty impressive combo starter because if he bites the right place then it’s all over. There’s really nothing for the opponent to do. So I sort of get that and acknowledge that he fights smart but I still wouldn’t call him very scary. The concept of the Shakma is scarier like when you see him from a distance or on the poster. You absolutely get it but in practice…eh I don’t think he is ready for the big leagues.

Unfortunately most of the characters are super annoying. These are the kinds of people who will just sit back and watch as someone is being torn apart in front of them. I get panicking and everything like when the chips are down but this is just too much. You need to have some characters to root for and this makes them very unlikable. Take the guy who was trying to sabotage the whole game over a date. It’s an awful look because he asked to be a part of the game early on. Yes, he started to have second thoughts about this but he didn’t voice them soooo…I can’t feel all that bad for him. He just needed to do his best and actually participate.

The professor was the most likable character by far. He had a lot of patience and was doing his best to make the game a success. I imagine that it takes a lot of work to set up the whole program each time. So he gets a whole lot of credit there. You were rooting for him to be the one to defeat Shakma. Meanwhile the rest of the students would just keep on splitting up over and over again. Even right up to the end the final 2 survivors decide to split up again. Are you serious?

I dare say that they make the average horror movie characters look smart in comparison. These guys are making so many mistakes that you start to have trouble keeping track of them all. They just keep on coming one after the other. A lot of times the excuse is that they want to look for one of the other teens who got bumped off since they don’t know that he was bumped off yet. The problem with this is after a point you at least need to let the cops know first. The worst part of the film’s logic here is the phones.

Each time they think about calling the cops, they decide to do something first. No, call the cops first and then keep looking around if you want. Every room should have a phone in the hospital or at least most of them. Where were all of the phones when they were needed?? It doesn’t make any sense at all. I felt like I was just watching madness here after a while. The setting of this film taking place in a hospital makes it so that none of this makes sense.

In fact, what about security in general? Sure this is after hours so the staff aren’t around but you mean to tell me that none of the guards were patrolling these floors during the game? Yeah I have more and more doubts as the film goes on. This just doesn’t mesh with logic. The film was doomed already with all the shock value though. I don’t really see the point of the surgery scene from the intro either. We know they work in a hospital so stuff like that happens, why do we gotta see it? Feels like it was just there as a cheap thrill which is no good.

Overall, Shakma is a classic creature feature film to an extent but all the violence is dialed up to 11. It definitely feels like one of the more violent titles that I’ve seen in a minute. In a way it’s probably because of how drawn out each of the murders are. They just keep on going and going. Then of course you have the live surgeries and everything. Nah this film was definitely not for me and loses out to most of the other creature films. This one did surprise me with how the story ends but that’s more of a thumbs up for me and not something I’d raise the score over. It just showed that the film wasn’t afraid to be rather bold and take things in a different direction.

Overall 1/10

Rambo Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version of the movie would be more negative.

Lets look at the 4th Rambo which just so happens to be the weakest one in the series so far. It’s definitely going for a dark angle right from the jump and that aspect of the film is quite unrelenting. It takes a long while until Rambo himself gets involved to fight back and it’s one of those films where even once the heroes win, there are a ton of casualties and you know there are other villains running around. There’s nothing particularly light hearted/happy about this movie which is rough.

The movie starts with a quick introduction to remind us just how evil the villains are. No worries they’re going to do this a whole lot as the film goes over but it’s definitely an awful way to kick the movie off in general. Instead of building up hype or getting you excited it is giving you reasons to want to avoid the film. Like why would I want to be seeing any of this? Well, we eventually cut to Rambo himself who now works by capturing snakes and putting them in the cages to get ready for animal cruelty fights. He is approached by a group of missionaries who want to head deep into enemy territory to spread the good word.

It’s a noble goal but unfortunately these characters are incredibly naive. The main pastor even believes that you cannot take a life even in self defense so when they are attacked by pirates he doesn’t do anything about it. He even threatens to get Rambo in trouble if he can. Needless to say, after Rambo drops them off at their designated location they are captured almost immediately. So much for that eh? Of course you feel bad for them, they’re just written to be such unlikable characters the whole time that it’s crazy. So the Church hires some vigilantes to go save them and Rambo decides to come along and do what he can. Are the missionaries even still alive by this point?

Well, only the power of plot armor is able to help them here because by all accounts they really should have been long dead. I’m not sure why the villains spared them for so long. They’re stuck in cages but mostly everyone else had already been murdered. I suppose they had the luck of the draw on that one. Not much of a consolation because their living conditions still sucked but at least they were able to last. Nobody else is so lucky so even while the heroes are heading over there to free them, we see countless people getting tortured and murdered. The film is going for maximum shock value the whole time so if you can picture a dark plot element then you are going to find it in the film.

Naturally all of the vigilantes tend to be rather crass and not very heroic at all. They are here for the paycheck and are happy to murder anybody but they don’t have any real kind of honor code. Rambo has to actively threaten the main one in order to keep him going or the guy would have left almost immediately. Rambo himself looks good at least. He does smash up a ton of the villains and shows why he is still one of the strongest agents around. He hasn’t forgotten his skills at all, that’s for sure. He’s on a completely different level even from the trained mercenaries.

The action scenes can be good when they aren’t being too try hard on the violence. When they do that is when they really start to lose the plot. Lets just say this is a regular occurrence in this film as well. The film is plenty violent the whole time even with the TV edits. So again the film is just trying too hard instead of letting the narrative talk for it. The problem there is that the actual plot isn’t very good either. Of course I have a lot of respect for people who go into these active war areas to spread the gospel and try to help out. It does feel like they’re creating more chances to become a hostage or get into trouble but if they can save anyone then it’s a win.

It doesn’t make for a great movie though. Even if you think of this like a power fantasy, the problem is that the first half is all about the villains dominating and having their way with the heroes. In no way is this a particularly captivating story and you want a film that’s fairly uplifting. Seeing Rambo beat up on the villains is the goal so you need to do that sooner. Focus more on the heroic comeback than on the villain slaughter to start things off. As a starting point you at least need to get rid of the opening montage showing off all of the villainous exploits.

Honestly the film has so may issues that it would still have gotten a fairly low score though. The Rambo series is just cooked at this point and it will be hard for it to make a true comeback. We unfortunately didn’t have the usual hype man for Rambo either. There are reasons for that but they should have invented a new character to take up the role. It may be a little cheesy but I always thought it was pretty fun and it made the films more memorable. Perhaps that aided in making this the worst Rambo title. There is still another one I haven’t watched so perhaps that will be even lower but we will have to see.

Overall, Rambo is a pretty awful film. It’s definitely over the top violent the whole time with a ton of dark themes and the film doesn’t allow itself to really have any fun moments. It’s a slog to get through and you can see why Rambo didn’t even want to get involved at this point. The amount of casualties and criminals appear to be endless so why even get involved in all of that if you don’t have to right? You absolutely get what he is feeling in all of this. So you should just skip this movie as well. It’s rather unnecessary and doesn’t really add anything to the series.

Overall 1/10

Bram Stoker’s Dracula Review

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Uh oh it’s time for another Dracula film. By now you know that most of these Dracula movies are pretty bad. I think part of the problem is that there just isn’t a whole lot that you can do with this vampire. Blood sucking will always be annoying at best and rather gross at worst. Then mix that in with the main characters being generally inept and you aren’t going to be in for a good time. By now the story is also rather stale so yeah it loses on all fronts.

The film starts with Jonathan heading over to meet Dracula on some real estate business as usual. He ignores all of the red flags because his family really needs the money. Unfortunately this proves to be a fatal error as he is attacked by Dracula’s vampire wives. Unlike other Dracula incarnations who command respect, he has to actually physically stop them here since they took a bit to actually listen to his orders. They get their win shortly afterwards but not before Dracula heads out to take down Jonathan’s fiancé as well as her friend. Can anybody stop this guy?

Of course not! What do you think this is??? I mean sure he’ll be taken down eventually but not before he causes a lot of chaos. That’s always the annoying thing about these films. You have to slowly watch him do some blood draining and take the heroes down before anybody is actually able to stop him. That’s where it just gets annoying the whole time and the scenes take forever. The film also squeezes in some fanservice here. Lets just say that the scene is played up quite a bit and Dracula is doing some unnecessary stuff during the biting.

There are no coincidences here and so the film is going extra hard in making everyone look bad. I would say even among Dracula movies this one is particularly weak. There is really no reason to watch it. The movie gets excessively violent, the fanservice is poor, and there are no great characters. Even Dracula as I mentioned doesn’t get the usual amount of respect you would think. He doesn’t look very imposing, if anything he seems confused at times. You feel like the heroes could take him down if they would move a bit quicker.

There’s at least one scene where Van Helsing has the cross at the ready but throws it away so Dracula gets the upper hand. Yeah he had a hostage at the ready but that’s when you charge forward. Naturally Dracula continues going about his business once the cross is away so the heroes earned nothing there. It’s why the hostage dilemma can be difficult of course since it is often a lose-lose situation but it was particularly annoying here.

Jonathan is particularly awful though. Early on he has the chance to destroy Dracula when he goes up to the coffin but he hesitates for some bizarre reason which gives the henchman enough time to take him out. Next time you have the lord of darkness in your sights you really need to finish the job. Like what are you even doing by that point? You have to lock in and take care of business. It’s the only way forward.

There’s not much to say about Lucy and Mina here. They basically exist to get wrecked by Dracula the whole time as they can’t muster up any willpower. Arthur is also annoying because of course he falls asleep on the job and is generally unhelpful until the end. He may have some enthusiasm but he is lacking in overall skills and ability which are just as important. Without those he ends up just being lost in the grand scheme of things which isn’t helpful to anyone.

Van Helsing at least knows what he is doing. Again he doesn’t always handle the situation well but I give him some points for the attempts. Without him the heroes wouldn’t be doing much of anything. He’s just going through the motions for the most part though, I prefer the adaptions where he is a little crazier and willing to go to extreme method to stop Dracula. Lets see this guy cut loose and everything you know? That would be way better.

Not that there was ever any chance for this film to be good though. Lets just face it, it was always going to be a pretty bad movie and there’s no real way to avoid that. It’s not impossible to make a good Dracula movie, in fact it’s been done a few times. You have to try really hard though because you are starting at a disadvantage and I didn’t feel that the film did a particularly good job here. There are also so many Dracula films that I feel as the writer you need to at least try and differentiate yourself a bit. This one didn’t really do that at all.

At least the film’s not super long so I can say that about it. Is that really the only positive? Well…yeah. I mean what other good things are there to say about this one? The characters are annoying and Dracula doesn’t make for a good villains. All of the characters are supremely annoying so you are just shaking your head the whole time. Dracula also needs a better motivation. He’s basically draining all of these girls because he wants romance or just enjoys the power? One of them reminds him of his wife but he must not have loved her a ton if he’s rebounding like this. He comes across as a desperate guy who isn’t even remotely likable and I can’t stress enough how bad that makes him look. That’s one of the worst kinds of motivations that a villain can have.

Overall, This was a pretty bad Dracula movie. It falls into all of the usual issues around a vampire film like this without having any hook to keep you interested. Maybe throw us some big fights showing off Dracula’s super abilities or have some kind of government plot. Maybe have the army try to take him down? Things like that could at least give you something to sink your teeth into instead of effectively watching the same movie again. To be honest it’s unlikely it would give the film many more points but every little bit helps. Definitely avoid this film as much as possible.

Overall 1/10

Mad Max: Fury Road Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

“All right so here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna make a film about Mad Max where he’s kidnapped for a good chunk of it. He’s still stuck in the same old desert that he’s been for every film in the series and there has been absolutely no progression in this dystopia over all these years. Sounds good?” “Yeaaaaa” This one of those films where you feel bad while you’re watching it because you know that it’s not going to end anytime soon.

So the film starts off with Max being kidnapped by a bunch of ruffians. He manages to come close to escaping but then they capture him again. In the present, he is tied to the front of the car while having his blood continually drained. It’s a really rough spot for him. Meanwhile, a bunch of women decide to break away from this gang and finally claim their freedom. They’re heavily outnumbered though and will eventually be caught. Their only chance might be to team up with Mad Max.

I’ve got a lot of problems with this film as you can probably guess. The real question here is just…where to start. As always the world is super bleak and annoying. The hooligans run the world as always and civilization hasn’t even started. I still question what the point of this whole series is but I suppose that’s neither here nor there for now. There’s nothing interesting to look at and all of the backgrounds are the same. None of the villains are even remotely interesting as they are just edgy randos.

The film also goes more all out on the violence and being generally disturbing this time. This does not do the film any favors in the last. At one point a villain’s spinning around an umbilical cord and you’re just thinking….why? What point does this serve the film? This is one of those cases where the film is so edgy that it just loses the plot all the way through. Then of course you have one of the main women being pregnant while belonging to the villain and this guy basically does whatever he wants whenever he wants.

It’s definitely a tough life when your kingdom is ruled by a madman. At least by the end of the film things will be better but how long will they stay that way? Without a form of government of some kind, the strong will always rise to the top and the power will corrupt them very quickly. There’s just no way around that. So the film doesn’t even leave you with a ton of hope there.

Max is an okay main character at best but I’ve never been much of a fan. It’s not like there’s much to dislike or anything like that, but there’s not much interesting about him either. He’s just a guy who rides on his motorcycle and fights the villains but in this film he got captured so quickly. It’s only thanks to plot armor that they didn’t finish him off to be honest. Furiosa is the main fighter from the women group who tries to lead them off into freedom. She has the most amount of drive and spirit, without her the others definitely wouldn’t have made it.

As it was, one or two of them were ready to call it quits and turn back. Not very smart considering who we’re dealing with here. I suppose there was a bit of Stockholm syndrome going on there. Furiosa is strong and capable so she makes for a good heroine. She practically has to blackmail Max into helping her and then from there she does well with the gun. Hopefully she can use her power to start taking down a bunch of villains and maybe create a society again. That’s all I want at this point, just create something so the world starts to feel more developed and we can get past the endless desert. It’s the only way these films can ever really change.

Otherwise you can hold the last 3 films side by side and play random scenes. It would be hard to know which scene was from which film because they’re all so similar. That’s a really bad sign for any series. At this point even just have Max go into space or something. Get out of the planet and instead of jumping the shark I’ll say that you made the right move. The planet as it is, just stands out for being so grotesque right now.

Maybe if this was a 50s film it could have been a little different. Part of the problem is that every part of this film is like you’re living in the slums. The writing isn’t particularly engaging, all of the villains talk and act like thugs. sure they’re villains but can’t we have at least one sophisticated one? It’s like this brings all of the worst parts of the wild west without any interesting shootouts or anything. I suppose I can at least say that this one had some decent special effects with the sand tornado. It’s not really my thing but it does at least beat being an even more bland film.

There is a lot of action as the characters drive around. I would say that this is a positive except the fight scenes don’t tend to be all that interesting. Even the driving would be a lot better if they weren’t just stuck in the desert the whole time. You can barely see what’s happening at some points. At one point the heroes literally backtrack most of the distance that they had just gone. There’s a story reason for this but you couldn’t help but feel that it was all a waste then.

Even the initial oasis place they were heading for ended up being a waste for the most part. Every time there is some hope, the film is quick to take it away. It’s why I don’t hold out much hope from the ending either. There will always be another gang and more villains without any heroes along the horizon. The series is like an anthology but one where it’s the same story over and over and over again.

Overall, Mad Max takes another absolutely massive loss with this film. The movie is just way too dreary and devoid of any fun. I want to be having a good time here. I want to be grinning ear to ear and laughing at every scene but there’s just no chance to do that. It’s not right and so I don’t have much hope for the future of the series. Maybe it’ll rebound but I wouldn’t count on it. I was pretty close to giving this one a 0 but I suppose there’s just enough going on where it still differentiates itself from the absolute bottom tiers. Definitely stay far away from this title!

Overall 1/10

Nosferatu the Vampyre Review

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Oh no, we’re back to vampire world. As you can probably expect this film is pretty bad all around. The characters are sloppy and the main villain is anything but intimidating. The whole time he’s on screen you’ll be shaking your head because he’s just not really a threat. If the characters could learn how to throw a decent punch it would all be over for him but unfortunately they don’t have the speed feats needed to take the edge here. It’s a real shame when you think about it.

The movie starts off with Jonathan being given a big job from his employer Renfield. He has to go over to Dracula’s lair and sell him some real estate. The place is rather far but it’ll pay well so Jonathan goes even though Lucy begs him not too. She has seen visions of his this will go badly but he doesn’t care. He wants the money asap! Everybody is scared or Dracula though so he can’t use a horse and as a result the trip takes months. Not a great amount of luck there but at last he has made it. Dracula seems rather spooky the whole time though as he keeps on staring at Jonathan. Jonathan is sloppy and cuts himself which causes Dracula to go crazy and eventually Dracula decides to go take down his wife Lucy. Jonathan has to try and make it back home before Dracula but it won’t be easy now that he is super ill. Additionally a plague is going to be wiping out the place in short order.

Where to start with this one right? The bloodsucking is pretty awful as always. The heroes never put up a fight and just take it. Jonathan for example just stays in his bed as Dracula gets closer and closer. The guy barely even reacts as he is knocked out. Then the same goes for Lucy who is unable to do anything. Those scenes are super annoying the whole time and you’re always waiting for someone to break the cycle. In the end I would argue the heroes didn’t do much of anything and Dracula just got sloppy. I can’t even give Lucy much credit there because you’d think Dracula would be hyper aware of what time it was.

He’s just sloppy in general. Jonathan even had a good time to finish him off earlier but got spooked. This is one of the slowest incarnations of Dracula and he isn’t particularly impressive physically. There’s no way anyone should be afraid of him. His design is certainly very sinister but more in a completely insane, psychotic way as opposed to being threatening. Jonathan should have just knocked the life out of this guy. The fight should not play out any other way.

Also this is where the slow burn approach fails because all the scenes of Dracula staring at everyone is more annoying than it is scary. It will bore you to tears the whole time because it all feels so unrealistic. I don’t care if he’s using some kind of hypnotism, just break out and take him down. Every time they just stand/lie there you know how the scene will play out and it still takes forever.

Then the whole town plot with the plague is pretty boring as well. Basically a bunch of mice start coming around and the villagers know they are doomed so they all start to eat and just give up on everything. Surely they could have tried something before throwing in the towel right? Instead they did absolutely nothing and that was a shame. The ending is surprisingly grim for the heroes. It looks like evil has won out this time and if the cycle continues then it’s just going to keep on happening over and over again. Even Van Hellsing didn’t look particularly great here to be honest. His role is rather small and he just didn’t have a whole lot of confidence. He’s a far cry from the more action centered version that I am used to.

As the main heroine Lucy nis okay and she definitely has some guts but I was still expecting a little more out of her. I’ve already talked about Jonathan enough but the guy is super annoying and should have heeded Lucy’s warning. If not, at least get out of the house right away after getting the papers and don’t just let Dracula stare at you the whole time. Renfield is definitely at his most insane in this version and he was an interesting character. I can’t say that I was able to take him very seriously though. It’s not like he has a lot of raw power or anything and he’s no genius. He just gets lucky that the cops are not particularly careful so it’s easy for him to break away. That was extremely embarrassing.

Then Dracula is rather dull and boring. So yeah there’s not much here to make this film all that good. It’s one of the most boring Dracula movies that I’ve seen and that’s even considering that it still hits all of the usual negatives like excessive violence and a lot of blood sucking. It’s very rare that there is ever a good vampire film and this will certainly not end up being one of the exceptions.

Overall, I highly recommend skipping this film. It’s way too slow paced and unrealistic the whole time. If Dracula himself looked more powerful then at least that part could be believable but instead he looks flimsy enough to just toss away and that would be it for him. The guy is super slow as well. So if you’re in the mood for a thriller film, definitely skip this one as soon as possible. You absolutely do not want to be anywhere near this film unless you’re ready for a good nap. In that case then we have an exception on your hands.

Overall 1/10