Category Archives: 1 Star Movies

Scream Blacula Scream Review

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It’s time for the next Blahhhhhhcula film. The name just makes that joke too easy! But yeah this is not a good film and you likely knew that going into it. It’s another really cheap vampire film that’s doing its best to impress and scare you but instead it has the opposite effect. You will be rolling your eyes at this one and wondering when it’s over. There’s nothing to really like about this film as it squanders any decent ideas that might have been thrown into the mix.

The film starts with the queen of voodoo dying so she quickly forgets to name a successor. It has to come down to a vote now and everyone knows it will be Lisa which infuriates Willis. He decides to do something about this and messes with some bones until he resurrects Blacula. Blacula quickly turns Willis into a vampire and then decides to go on another murder spree. Will anyone be safe from all of these murders? Lisa will need to watch out since she is now the one with the strongest Voodoo energy. If she ends up siding with Blacula then all hope may be lost.

So lets get this out of the way, the film has a ton of the usual blood sucking right out of the gate. You’ll be grimacing the whole time because this is not what you signed up for. Not at all! I mean that sounds like I’m in denial but you can do a vampire film without all of that. These also have to be the longest blood drain scenes that I’ve come across. Seriously there’s just no end to them. They keep going on and on and on. If you ask me personally the best thing to do here would have been to do a quick cut. You get the initial bite and then skip.

Although it’s clear that the film was pretty proud of these scenes for how drawn out they were. Even the moments leading up to the bites, you got zoom ins on the teeth early on. At least some of the victims were asking for it like the random guys trying to bully Blacula in the streets. It was nice to bump them off but we can do better than the classic bite every time. So right off the bat the film was already doomed thanks to this.

Then the characters aren’t smart at all. Lisa already knows that Blacula is murdering people and yet by the end she wants to help him and everything? Noooo that’s not cool. She still seems shocked when he continues to hurt people but he’s been doing that since the very beginning so there’s no excuse there. He didn’t change, he was evil right from the jump. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain the whole time. Also considering her psychic voodoo powers, she still looks very weak the whole time.

She is easily suckered by her friend who turned vampire and then tries to drain her. Shouldn’t Lisa have some kind of supernatural defenses? So that’s a big strike against her character right from the jump. Then after that we’ve also got the fact that she doesn’t immediately end Blacula when she has the doll. Just stab it or put it in a choke hold. Instead she takes ages which nearly costs her.

All right, one slight positive for the film. I really liked the confrontation between Justin and Blacula where we have a really tense talk. Both of them are casually murdering the other one and it’s a very boss moment for Justin. Not a smart one mind you, since Blacula could have murdered him at any point. Still, it showed that he was ready to stand his ground. The film is really reusing this from other titles but it still hit right. It’s the best scene in the film by far.

In general I was glad that the cops got involved as well. They actually get to fight it out with the vampires which was pretty cool. We get some actual battle scenes although the cops have a bad habit of hesitating. Look, these are vampires, you have to just take them out. Use the stake or it will be used against you. I did wonder why they wouldn’t re-use a stake though. For example one guy uses his stake and then gets rushed by a second vampire so he cuts it in half to use a new one. Many cops just gave up once they used their 1 stake and got wrecked.

Just pull it out of the dead body and use it again. It’s still made of wood so I’m confident that it will work as many times as needed. These guys really need to learn basic combat skills. The whole film should have been the general confrontation because that would actually be an original take. The full might of the police force against the personal army of vampires that Blacula built up. That had a lot of potential over the usual stuff.

Instead what the film decided to focus on in terms of being unique is the voodoo witchcraft nonsense. Those scenes are some of the worst. They’re super dragged out as well with everyone hopping around and feeling the vibes. They don’t add anything to the film and instead subtract from it. So really you are always looking forward to the few police/Justin scenes but every time Blacula or the Voodoo stuff is on screen the film falls down quickly. We also get a random animal violence when a bird is destroyed. The film needs to do better!

Overall, If you really enjoy seeing the blood sucking scenes from a vampire film then this is your title. I still can’t think of any title that dragged them out nearly this much. However, there is no other reason to watch this film and waste your time. Blacula is not a series that will go down in history as being anything decent. It was really a full on gimmick from start to finish and one that didn’t find its footing. You could have had some interesting social themes here or given Blacula a real personality beyond just draining people. At times it felt like the film was going to perhaps go down that route and then he just starts murdering everyone again. So the film couldn’t resist going back to its roots of shock value. If we ever get a modern reboot, maybe it could change things.

Overall 1/10

Shakma Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

All right it’s time for a pretty spooooky film. I mean it is basically a horror and the enemy is like a creature so I’d say it fits the bill. The movie is definitely an intense one but suffers from all of the usual issues like animal violence and over the top violence in general. This film will have you wincing almost constantly which as you can imagine, can make it hard for the film itself to succeed.

The film starts off with a bunch of doctors/assistants gearing up for their next big game. They run a sort of dungeons and dragons type game in the hospital. After hours they set up all of the rooms and lock down each of the floors. The professor has a virtual system to keep track of everything and coordinates the efforts as the Gamemaster. The first person to get enough clues and free the princess wins. They’ve been doing this for a long time with no problems but one of the girls accidentally mentions the game in front of one of the new hires. Now he wants to play too but the guy’s not very serious and could hold them back. So the characters decide to give him the role of monster to scare people and afterwards he finds out that he’s missing out on a date by being here. So he intends to sabotage the game so that it goes very quickly but what none of them realize is that a dangerous monster is already on the loose, Shakma! Shakma is aiming to destroy all of them as soon as possible so he must not be underestimated.

So Shakma is a baboon and not the most intimidating one on sight. He is fierce and aggressive but you’re jus wondering what would make him scary. Do you really fear such an opponent as this guy? He tends to murder everyone with a quick bite as the first blow and then once the opponent is on the ground it’s over. It’s technically a pretty impressive combo starter because if he bites the right place then it’s all over. There’s really nothing for the opponent to do. So I sort of get that and acknowledge that he fights smart but I still wouldn’t call him very scary. The concept of the Shakma is scarier like when you see him from a distance or on the poster. You absolutely get it but in practice…eh I don’t think he is ready for the big leagues.

Unfortunately most of the characters are super annoying. These are the kinds of people who will just sit back and watch as someone is being torn apart in front of them. I get panicking and everything like when the chips are down but this is just too much. You need to have some characters to root for and this makes them very unlikable. Take the guy who was trying to sabotage the whole game over a date. It’s an awful look because he asked to be a part of the game early on. Yes, he started to have second thoughts about this but he didn’t voice them soooo…I can’t feel all that bad for him. He just needed to do his best and actually participate.

The professor was the most likable character by far. He had a lot of patience and was doing his best to make the game a success. I imagine that it takes a lot of work to set up the whole program each time. So he gets a whole lot of credit there. You were rooting for him to be the one to defeat Shakma. Meanwhile the rest of the students would just keep on splitting up over and over again. Even right up to the end the final 2 survivors decide to split up again. Are you serious?

I dare say that they make the average horror movie characters look smart in comparison. These guys are making so many mistakes that you start to have trouble keeping track of them all. They just keep on coming one after the other. A lot of times the excuse is that they want to look for one of the other teens who got bumped off since they don’t know that he was bumped off yet. The problem with this is after a point you at least need to let the cops know first. The worst part of the film’s logic here is the phones.

Each time they think about calling the cops, they decide to do something first. No, call the cops first and then keep looking around if you want. Every room should have a phone in the hospital or at least most of them. Where were all of the phones when they were needed?? It doesn’t make any sense at all. I felt like I was just watching madness here after a while. The setting of this film taking place in a hospital makes it so that none of this makes sense.

In fact, what about security in general? Sure this is after hours so the staff aren’t around but you mean to tell me that none of the guards were patrolling these floors during the game? Yeah I have more and more doubts as the film goes on. This just doesn’t mesh with logic. The film was doomed already with all the shock value though. I don’t really see the point of the surgery scene from the intro either. We know they work in a hospital so stuff like that happens, why do we gotta see it? Feels like it was just there as a cheap thrill which is no good.

Overall, Shakma is a classic creature feature film to an extent but all the violence is dialed up to 11. It definitely feels like one of the more violent titles that I’ve seen in a minute. In a way it’s probably because of how drawn out each of the murders are. They just keep on going and going. Then of course you have the live surgeries and everything. Nah this film was definitely not for me and loses out to most of the other creature films. This one did surprise me with how the story ends but that’s more of a thumbs up for me and not something I’d raise the score over. It just showed that the film wasn’t afraid to be rather bold and take things in a different direction.

Overall 1/10

Rambo Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version of the movie would be more negative.

Lets look at the 4th Rambo which just so happens to be the weakest one in the series so far. It’s definitely going for a dark angle right from the jump and that aspect of the film is quite unrelenting. It takes a long while until Rambo himself gets involved to fight back and it’s one of those films where even once the heroes win, there are a ton of casualties and you know there are other villains running around. There’s nothing particularly light hearted/happy about this movie which is rough.

The movie starts with a quick introduction to remind us just how evil the villains are. No worries they’re going to do this a whole lot as the film goes over but it’s definitely an awful way to kick the movie off in general. Instead of building up hype or getting you excited it is giving you reasons to want to avoid the film. Like why would I want to be seeing any of this? Well, we eventually cut to Rambo himself who now works by capturing snakes and putting them in the cages to get ready for animal cruelty fights. He is approached by a group of missionaries who want to head deep into enemy territory to spread the good word.

It’s a noble goal but unfortunately these characters are incredibly naive. The main pastor even believes that you cannot take a life even in self defense so when they are attacked by pirates he doesn’t do anything about it. He even threatens to get Rambo in trouble if he can. Needless to say, after Rambo drops them off at their designated location they are captured almost immediately. So much for that eh? Of course you feel bad for them, they’re just written to be such unlikable characters the whole time that it’s crazy. So the Church hires some vigilantes to go save them and Rambo decides to come along and do what he can. Are the missionaries even still alive by this point?

Well, only the power of plot armor is able to help them here because by all accounts they really should have been long dead. I’m not sure why the villains spared them for so long. They’re stuck in cages but mostly everyone else had already been murdered. I suppose they had the luck of the draw on that one. Not much of a consolation because their living conditions still sucked but at least they were able to last. Nobody else is so lucky so even while the heroes are heading over there to free them, we see countless people getting tortured and murdered. The film is going for maximum shock value the whole time so if you can picture a dark plot element then you are going to find it in the film.

Naturally all of the vigilantes tend to be rather crass and not very heroic at all. They are here for the paycheck and are happy to murder anybody but they don’t have any real kind of honor code. Rambo has to actively threaten the main one in order to keep him going or the guy would have left almost immediately. Rambo himself looks good at least. He does smash up a ton of the villains and shows why he is still one of the strongest agents around. He hasn’t forgotten his skills at all, that’s for sure. He’s on a completely different level even from the trained mercenaries.

The action scenes can be good when they aren’t being too try hard on the violence. When they do that is when they really start to lose the plot. Lets just say this is a regular occurrence in this film as well. The film is plenty violent the whole time even with the TV edits. So again the film is just trying too hard instead of letting the narrative talk for it. The problem there is that the actual plot isn’t very good either. Of course I have a lot of respect for people who go into these active war areas to spread the gospel and try to help out. It does feel like they’re creating more chances to become a hostage or get into trouble but if they can save anyone then it’s a win.

It doesn’t make for a great movie though. Even if you think of this like a power fantasy, the problem is that the first half is all about the villains dominating and having their way with the heroes. In no way is this a particularly captivating story and you want a film that’s fairly uplifting. Seeing Rambo beat up on the villains is the goal so you need to do that sooner. Focus more on the heroic comeback than on the villain slaughter to start things off. As a starting point you at least need to get rid of the opening montage showing off all of the villainous exploits.

Honestly the film has so may issues that it would still have gotten a fairly low score though. The Rambo series is just cooked at this point and it will be hard for it to make a true comeback. We unfortunately didn’t have the usual hype man for Rambo either. There are reasons for that but they should have invented a new character to take up the role. It may be a little cheesy but I always thought it was pretty fun and it made the films more memorable. Perhaps that aided in making this the worst Rambo title. There is still another one I haven’t watched so perhaps that will be even lower but we will have to see.

Overall, Rambo is a pretty awful film. It’s definitely over the top violent the whole time with a ton of dark themes and the film doesn’t allow itself to really have any fun moments. It’s a slog to get through and you can see why Rambo didn’t even want to get involved at this point. The amount of casualties and criminals appear to be endless so why even get involved in all of that if you don’t have to right? You absolutely get what he is feeling in all of this. So you should just skip this movie as well. It’s rather unnecessary and doesn’t really add anything to the series.

Overall 1/10

Bram Stoker’s Dracula Review

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Uh oh it’s time for another Dracula film. By now you know that most of these Dracula movies are pretty bad. I think part of the problem is that there just isn’t a whole lot that you can do with this vampire. Blood sucking will always be annoying at best and rather gross at worst. Then mix that in with the main characters being generally inept and you aren’t going to be in for a good time. By now the story is also rather stale so yeah it loses on all fronts.

The film starts with Jonathan heading over to meet Dracula on some real estate business as usual. He ignores all of the red flags because his family really needs the money. Unfortunately this proves to be a fatal error as he is attacked by Dracula’s vampire wives. Unlike other Dracula incarnations who command respect, he has to actually physically stop them here since they took a bit to actually listen to his orders. They get their win shortly afterwards but not before Dracula heads out to take down Jonathan’s fiancé as well as her friend. Can anybody stop this guy?

Of course not! What do you think this is??? I mean sure he’ll be taken down eventually but not before he causes a lot of chaos. That’s always the annoying thing about these films. You have to slowly watch him do some blood draining and take the heroes down before anybody is actually able to stop him. That’s where it just gets annoying the whole time and the scenes take forever. The film also squeezes in some fanservice here. Lets just say that the scene is played up quite a bit and Dracula is doing some unnecessary stuff during the biting.

There are no coincidences here and so the film is going extra hard in making everyone look bad. I would say even among Dracula movies this one is particularly weak. There is really no reason to watch it. The movie gets excessively violent, the fanservice is poor, and there are no great characters. Even Dracula as I mentioned doesn’t get the usual amount of respect you would think. He doesn’t look very imposing, if anything he seems confused at times. You feel like the heroes could take him down if they would move a bit quicker.

There’s at least one scene where Van Helsing has the cross at the ready but throws it away so Dracula gets the upper hand. Yeah he had a hostage at the ready but that’s when you charge forward. Naturally Dracula continues going about his business once the cross is away so the heroes earned nothing there. It’s why the hostage dilemma can be difficult of course since it is often a lose-lose situation but it was particularly annoying here.

Jonathan is particularly awful though. Early on he has the chance to destroy Dracula when he goes up to the coffin but he hesitates for some bizarre reason which gives the henchman enough time to take him out. Next time you have the lord of darkness in your sights you really need to finish the job. Like what are you even doing by that point? You have to lock in and take care of business. It’s the only way forward.

There’s not much to say about Lucy and Mina here. They basically exist to get wrecked by Dracula the whole time as they can’t muster up any willpower. Arthur is also annoying because of course he falls asleep on the job and is generally unhelpful until the end. He may have some enthusiasm but he is lacking in overall skills and ability which are just as important. Without those he ends up just being lost in the grand scheme of things which isn’t helpful to anyone.

Van Helsing at least knows what he is doing. Again he doesn’t always handle the situation well but I give him some points for the attempts. Without him the heroes wouldn’t be doing much of anything. He’s just going through the motions for the most part though, I prefer the adaptions where he is a little crazier and willing to go to extreme method to stop Dracula. Lets see this guy cut loose and everything you know? That would be way better.

Not that there was ever any chance for this film to be good though. Lets just face it, it was always going to be a pretty bad movie and there’s no real way to avoid that. It’s not impossible to make a good Dracula movie, in fact it’s been done a few times. You have to try really hard though because you are starting at a disadvantage and I didn’t feel that the film did a particularly good job here. There are also so many Dracula films that I feel as the writer you need to at least try and differentiate yourself a bit. This one didn’t really do that at all.

At least the film’s not super long so I can say that about it. Is that really the only positive? Well…yeah. I mean what other good things are there to say about this one? The characters are annoying and Dracula doesn’t make for a good villains. All of the characters are supremely annoying so you are just shaking your head the whole time. Dracula also needs a better motivation. He’s basically draining all of these girls because he wants romance or just enjoys the power? One of them reminds him of his wife but he must not have loved her a ton if he’s rebounding like this. He comes across as a desperate guy who isn’t even remotely likable and I can’t stress enough how bad that makes him look. That’s one of the worst kinds of motivations that a villain can have.

Overall, This was a pretty bad Dracula movie. It falls into all of the usual issues around a vampire film like this without having any hook to keep you interested. Maybe throw us some big fights showing off Dracula’s super abilities or have some kind of government plot. Maybe have the army try to take him down? Things like that could at least give you something to sink your teeth into instead of effectively watching the same movie again. To be honest it’s unlikely it would give the film many more points but every little bit helps. Definitely avoid this film as much as possible.

Overall 1/10

Mad Max: Fury Road Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

“All right so here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna make a film about Mad Max where he’s kidnapped for a good chunk of it. He’s still stuck in the same old desert that he’s been for every film in the series and there has been absolutely no progression in this dystopia over all these years. Sounds good?” “Yeaaaaa” This one of those films where you feel bad while you’re watching it because you know that it’s not going to end anytime soon.

So the film starts off with Max being kidnapped by a bunch of ruffians. He manages to come close to escaping but then they capture him again. In the present, he is tied to the front of the car while having his blood continually drained. It’s a really rough spot for him. Meanwhile, a bunch of women decide to break away from this gang and finally claim their freedom. They’re heavily outnumbered though and will eventually be caught. Their only chance might be to team up with Mad Max.

I’ve got a lot of problems with this film as you can probably guess. The real question here is just…where to start. As always the world is super bleak and annoying. The hooligans run the world as always and civilization hasn’t even started. I still question what the point of this whole series is but I suppose that’s neither here nor there for now. There’s nothing interesting to look at and all of the backgrounds are the same. None of the villains are even remotely interesting as they are just edgy randos.

The film also goes more all out on the violence and being generally disturbing this time. This does not do the film any favors in the last. At one point a villain’s spinning around an umbilical cord and you’re just thinking….why? What point does this serve the film? This is one of those cases where the film is so edgy that it just loses the plot all the way through. Then of course you have one of the main women being pregnant while belonging to the villain and this guy basically does whatever he wants whenever he wants.

It’s definitely a tough life when your kingdom is ruled by a madman. At least by the end of the film things will be better but how long will they stay that way? Without a form of government of some kind, the strong will always rise to the top and the power will corrupt them very quickly. There’s just no way around that. So the film doesn’t even leave you with a ton of hope there.

Max is an okay main character at best but I’ve never been much of a fan. It’s not like there’s much to dislike or anything like that, but there’s not much interesting about him either. He’s just a guy who rides on his motorcycle and fights the villains but in this film he got captured so quickly. It’s only thanks to plot armor that they didn’t finish him off to be honest. Furiosa is the main fighter from the women group who tries to lead them off into freedom. She has the most amount of drive and spirit, without her the others definitely wouldn’t have made it.

As it was, one or two of them were ready to call it quits and turn back. Not very smart considering who we’re dealing with here. I suppose there was a bit of Stockholm syndrome going on there. Furiosa is strong and capable so she makes for a good heroine. She practically has to blackmail Max into helping her and then from there she does well with the gun. Hopefully she can use her power to start taking down a bunch of villains and maybe create a society again. That’s all I want at this point, just create something so the world starts to feel more developed and we can get past the endless desert. It’s the only way these films can ever really change.

Otherwise you can hold the last 3 films side by side and play random scenes. It would be hard to know which scene was from which film because they’re all so similar. That’s a really bad sign for any series. At this point even just have Max go into space or something. Get out of the planet and instead of jumping the shark I’ll say that you made the right move. The planet as it is, just stands out for being so grotesque right now.

Maybe if this was a 50s film it could have been a little different. Part of the problem is that every part of this film is like you’re living in the slums. The writing isn’t particularly engaging, all of the villains talk and act like thugs. sure they’re villains but can’t we have at least one sophisticated one? It’s like this brings all of the worst parts of the wild west without any interesting shootouts or anything. I suppose I can at least say that this one had some decent special effects with the sand tornado. It’s not really my thing but it does at least beat being an even more bland film.

There is a lot of action as the characters drive around. I would say that this is a positive except the fight scenes don’t tend to be all that interesting. Even the driving would be a lot better if they weren’t just stuck in the desert the whole time. You can barely see what’s happening at some points. At one point the heroes literally backtrack most of the distance that they had just gone. There’s a story reason for this but you couldn’t help but feel that it was all a waste then.

Even the initial oasis place they were heading for ended up being a waste for the most part. Every time there is some hope, the film is quick to take it away. It’s why I don’t hold out much hope from the ending either. There will always be another gang and more villains without any heroes along the horizon. The series is like an anthology but one where it’s the same story over and over and over again.

Overall, Mad Max takes another absolutely massive loss with this film. The movie is just way too dreary and devoid of any fun. I want to be having a good time here. I want to be grinning ear to ear and laughing at every scene but there’s just no chance to do that. It’s not right and so I don’t have much hope for the future of the series. Maybe it’ll rebound but I wouldn’t count on it. I was pretty close to giving this one a 0 but I suppose there’s just enough going on where it still differentiates itself from the absolute bottom tiers. Definitely stay far away from this title!

Overall 1/10

Nosferatu the Vampyre Review

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Oh no, we’re back to vampire world. As you can probably expect this film is pretty bad all around. The characters are sloppy and the main villain is anything but intimidating. The whole time he’s on screen you’ll be shaking your head because he’s just not really a threat. If the characters could learn how to throw a decent punch it would all be over for him but unfortunately they don’t have the speed feats needed to take the edge here. It’s a real shame when you think about it.

The movie starts off with Jonathan being given a big job from his employer Renfield. He has to go over to Dracula’s lair and sell him some real estate. The place is rather far but it’ll pay well so Jonathan goes even though Lucy begs him not too. She has seen visions of his this will go badly but he doesn’t care. He wants the money asap! Everybody is scared or Dracula though so he can’t use a horse and as a result the trip takes months. Not a great amount of luck there but at last he has made it. Dracula seems rather spooky the whole time though as he keeps on staring at Jonathan. Jonathan is sloppy and cuts himself which causes Dracula to go crazy and eventually Dracula decides to go take down his wife Lucy. Jonathan has to try and make it back home before Dracula but it won’t be easy now that he is super ill. Additionally a plague is going to be wiping out the place in short order.

Where to start with this one right? The bloodsucking is pretty awful as always. The heroes never put up a fight and just take it. Jonathan for example just stays in his bed as Dracula gets closer and closer. The guy barely even reacts as he is knocked out. Then the same goes for Lucy who is unable to do anything. Those scenes are super annoying the whole time and you’re always waiting for someone to break the cycle. In the end I would argue the heroes didn’t do much of anything and Dracula just got sloppy. I can’t even give Lucy much credit there because you’d think Dracula would be hyper aware of what time it was.

He’s just sloppy in general. Jonathan even had a good time to finish him off earlier but got spooked. This is one of the slowest incarnations of Dracula and he isn’t particularly impressive physically. There’s no way anyone should be afraid of him. His design is certainly very sinister but more in a completely insane, psychotic way as opposed to being threatening. Jonathan should have just knocked the life out of this guy. The fight should not play out any other way.

Also this is where the slow burn approach fails because all the scenes of Dracula staring at everyone is more annoying than it is scary. It will bore you to tears the whole time because it all feels so unrealistic. I don’t care if he’s using some kind of hypnotism, just break out and take him down. Every time they just stand/lie there you know how the scene will play out and it still takes forever.

Then the whole town plot with the plague is pretty boring as well. Basically a bunch of mice start coming around and the villagers know they are doomed so they all start to eat and just give up on everything. Surely they could have tried something before throwing in the towel right? Instead they did absolutely nothing and that was a shame. The ending is surprisingly grim for the heroes. It looks like evil has won out this time and if the cycle continues then it’s just going to keep on happening over and over again. Even Van Hellsing didn’t look particularly great here to be honest. His role is rather small and he just didn’t have a whole lot of confidence. He’s a far cry from the more action centered version that I am used to.

As the main heroine Lucy nis okay and she definitely has some guts but I was still expecting a little more out of her. I’ve already talked about Jonathan enough but the guy is super annoying and should have heeded Lucy’s warning. If not, at least get out of the house right away after getting the papers and don’t just let Dracula stare at you the whole time. Renfield is definitely at his most insane in this version and he was an interesting character. I can’t say that I was able to take him very seriously though. It’s not like he has a lot of raw power or anything and he’s no genius. He just gets lucky that the cops are not particularly careful so it’s easy for him to break away. That was extremely embarrassing.

Then Dracula is rather dull and boring. So yeah there’s not much here to make this film all that good. It’s one of the most boring Dracula movies that I’ve seen and that’s even considering that it still hits all of the usual negatives like excessive violence and a lot of blood sucking. It’s very rare that there is ever a good vampire film and this will certainly not end up being one of the exceptions.

Overall, I highly recommend skipping this film. It’s way too slow paced and unrealistic the whole time. If Dracula himself looked more powerful then at least that part could be believable but instead he looks flimsy enough to just toss away and that would be it for him. The guy is super slow as well. So if you’re in the mood for a thriller film, definitely skip this one as soon as possible. You absolutely do not want to be anywhere near this film unless you’re ready for a good nap. In that case then we have an exception on your hands.

Overall 1/10

The Chosen Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Oh no, it’s time for another one of those horror films with the evil kid running around and bumping everyone off. The Chosen starts out on a rather weak note and never really gets better. It at least has a bit more of a plot than titles like the Omen but unfortunately that’s still not enough to save it. The characters are annoying, the film decides to get needlessly violent later on and the whole film just sort of feels inevitable. Like it’s going to keep going through all of the same tired story beats you would have expected at the start of the film with the main characters having absolutely no influence over what’s going on. Like watching someone order a cheeseburger and eat it. No matter how many people line up outside the store and tell him to stop, he’s going to keep eating it the same way he always does.

So the film starts off with Robert breaking into an old tomb and seeing some creepy designs in there. He’s going to proceed with the project though and they blow a lot of stuff up. Basically they are trying to set up a bunch of nuclear energy stations to take the world into a new era. It’s going to be brilliant or at least that’s what Robert thinks but most people are against this. They feel it’s way too dangerous and people will die. The more supernatural folks also think this is a bad omen and they shouldn’t be messing around in this sacred area. Robert’s son Angel is really enthusiastic about the project but he is really the only supporter as even Robert’s wife is against this. In fact she nearly shuts down the project but is quickly murdered by a terrorist who broke into the building trying to get Robert. Is this pure coincidence that now Robert can proceed with the plan or is something nefarious at work here?

Don’t worry if you miss some of the symbology at work here. The film makes sure to slap you in the face with the parallels every time they come up. 10 towers? BAM! Flashback to the speech about the number 10 being demonic. Robert’s wife may have been accidentally murdered? BOOM! Flashback to show that Angel made sure to guide the blade to hit her. Robert’s not sure if this plan is really demonic? KABOOM! Time for a super long dream sequence where he merges with the sand, gets crucified, dies in the ocean, gets blown up a few times, has to run around naked, etc. The film is really proud of how it manages to tie everything together and so it won’t let you miss a beat. The film made sure to have a fairly long runtime so you’ll be here a while.

Look, I have a ton of issues with the film so let me talk about the one thing that was decent and that’s the story. Like I said before, usually there’s not really a story here. It’s just the Antichrist beating everyone up for the duration of the film and then it ends. In this one we actually have some political drama as Robert tries to get people on board with his plan. The fact that it is so unpopular is a bit of a twist because usually in these films the plan would be popular and at the end he has to find a way to stop it. Instead the plan nearly falls through so many times and Angel has to keep on using his powers to make things right.

It’s annoying that Robert takes so long to decide to shut it all down though. The amount of evidence it takes to convince him is absolutely crazy. Especially since he had doubts fairly early on, why should it take so many tragedies to get to him? I will say that it makes Angel look bad though. He’s got tremendous cosmic abilities and all, but he can’t just make the plan be popular? No mass telepathy or reality warping this time? He has to keep on doing flashy murders to get the plan on track but you wonder why it’s all necessary. Maybe he’s just messing with the characters or it’s all a game but it is odd and also annoying because it’s just stretching the film out.

Naturally as the main villain Angel isn’t meant to be likable and the film does a good job of that since he’s annoying from the jump. He’s basically a fake yes man who acts supportive but is always ready to take the reins from Robert. You’d expect nothing less from him. The guy gets so overconfident that he really lets his guard down for the final scene. That’s good because it made for a very satisfying ending. I definitely did not want to see Angel on top.

Unfortunately the characters who are supposed to be the heroes aren’t very likable either. First up you have Robert and the guy is way too fixated on this project of his. If everyone is saying that it’s a bad idea then maybe it is. Of course that’s not always true but messing around with Nuclear energy isn’t really a good idea. He then finds a new person shortly after his wife dies which was pretty bad. By far his worst scene though is when he attempts to trick Sara into murdering her baby. Seriously there’s no way around how bad this is. You absolutely cannot make someone abort their baby by force and expect to be called anything but an absolute villain.

Yeah he had reason to think this baby would also be evil but there’s no way you can just murder a baby like that. It’s going way out of bounds and I don’t see how Sara could ever trust him again after that. It was an extremely bad look. Meanwhile Sara is also not great here. I don’t see why she made such a big deal about going to the church but surely she could have talked it over more. Again here I’d also say that she should not have trusted Robert at all. It’s not a touching moment to see her going back to him, it’s just annoying. She needed to cut him off completely after what happened.

It’s too bad because she was a nice enough person but it makes her seem more like a pushover than anything. Also this is a nitpick but I don’t see why she invited both Robert and Angel to announce that she was pregnant. Seems to me that this is such a personal private thing that you would only tell your husband/wife first. Everyone else can find out later on. Just seemed super contrived as a way to have Angel there to mess around when he had no business being in the scene.

As I mentioned the film could get rather violent as well. Each death tends to be quite over the top as they are smashed to bits, ripped into pieces, etc. Nobody gets an easy death here and they’re also very predictable. You know that they don’t stand a chance each time. It’s one of the big problems with having a villain who is all powerful like that. With no weakness there can be no fight and with no fight that means there can only be a slaughter. Some films at least pretend that the heroes have a shot but this was not one of them.

Then there’s also the subplot with the crazy people running the asylum. Their scenes were all extremely forced and it’s beyond annoying that they showed up to beat Robert up some more in the climax. I dare say the film would have dropped to a 0 if they had murdered him there. But even without that, it just makes no sense that he would escape again. That prison needs better security and it’s good that Robert knew self defense or it would all be over.

The problem with the Chosen is that this is not even remotely a fun film. There are no good scenes to be had here and you’re just waiting for it to end. The movie tends to be very mean spirited and everyone goes through a lot before it’s over. The ending at least delays things but it still not what I would call a super happy ending. I also think that including the scene of Robert being complicit in trying to drug Sara so she can have the abortion was a really bad idea and does hurt the film significantly. That should never have been included.

Overall, The Chosen is a pretty bad film. It relies on lots of shock value and grisly murders without the substance needed to back it up. The film is also not very subtle so even when it tries to pull some plot twists it doesn’t work because the film showed its cards early. To be honest there’s not much that the film could have done to turn things around and actually be good. That just wasn’t going to happen but you always like to hope that the film could have been a little better. Give us some fun moments next time and provide the heroes with some kind of a chance. Otherwise it’s all pointless.

Overall 1/10

Resident Evil: Welcome to Raccoon City Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Resident Evil is one of those franchises where the films are typically doomed from the start but you are still curious how it will play out. The first movie series had a lot of flaws to be sure but it never forgot to turn up with some amazing musical themes and a whole lot of action. It had some crazy scary visuals and in general was very intense. This one tries extremely hard to be scary, often taking the shortcut of just being grotesque but it doesn’t work as well. It drags on and on and while the film was initially trying to be more accurate to the games, it seems like they gave up on that early on.

The movie starts out with a reallllllly long scene of a girl noticing that there’s a mysterious creature in her room. She heads over to investigate and you’re just waiting for the jump scare the whole time as something seems wrong with the other girl. Anyway onto the real plot! Many years later, Claire travels home to warn her brother Chris that Raccoon City is hiding something and they are in danger. Chris doesn’t buy any of it and runs back to the police station. Only problem is that zombies are real and the town is now under attack. It’s mostly deserted at this point which is good but the problem is that the Umbrella corporation is blocking all exits. Can the heroes find a way out?

Where to start with this one right? First off most of the characters are pretty bad here. You have a truck driver who isn’t paying any attention to the road so he crashes into a girl and then tries to tell himself that the crash wasn’t that bad. Unfortunately his dog becomes a zombie so later on he gets taken out which was pretty tragic. The dog really didn’t deserve any of that.

Then we have Leon who is the biggest clown in the movie. This guy’s supposed to be super serious. An amazing agent who takes on all kinds of threats and stuff. He’s the guy you call in when all else has failed and yet that just never happens to be the case here. Yes he gets a big moment at the end of the film. That’s great and all but he’s complete comic relief here and constantly getting into trouble. I laughed when he walked up to the prison bars like a rookie after a prisoner was threatening him. What do you think happens at that point? Well the guy pulls him into the bars and while Leon is stunned he grabs his gun and gets him into a chokehold.

That’s so embarrassing. That should absolutely never happen to anyone. How do you let yourself be that close to the bars in the first place? It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense at all and just makes him look awful. Then Leon takes so long to open the door that the guy gets eaten anyway. To be honest if I’m that guy I would have shot Leon myself for all the incompetence there so hat way at least we both go down together. Leon shouldn’t be walking out at that point when he’s the one who was creating this whole mess.

Hopefully in a sequel he will be experienced but I wouldn’t hold my breath. The writing for this film was pretty bad the whole time anyway. Wesker definitely has a very different kind of role in this film. He’s certainly missing all of the usual aura that he has. This guy is just another dude with a gun now and he also comes across as rather petty since his motivation here is money. It’s not global domination or anything like that, he just wants his big pay day. That’s a fine motivation for a grunt, but not Wesker. That’s going way too far in the other direction.

I didn’t really have a problem with Chris or Claire. Chris maybe could have listened more but I do have to admit that Claire made an historically bad argument in favor of the conspiracy. Showing a video of a crazy looking guy yelling about the virus and how Umbrella is evil isn’t a great jumping on point. She didn’t give Chris any reason why he should even believe this guy. Chris also did dash off rather quick so it would have been tough to convince him either way but the whole exchange didn’t work out in Claire’s favor.

Chris does get a really bad scene later on with a lighter though. It’s supposed to be tense but it was just dumb. So basically there are a bunch of zombies around and so Chris turns on the lighter to scare them off. Problem is that it’s defective so it keeps on turning on and off. This way you can see the zombies getting closer as they keep on circling him over and over again. The scene doesn’t work because they should have finished him off so many times. Like it just doesn’t make sense that he keeps on surviving because of how close they were. It should have been all over for him and so it was pretty annoying to see him just continuing to escape with that plot armor.

I’d argue more plot armor is when the girl from the opening scene returns in some kind of monster hybrid form and crushes one of the zombies. These monsters should not be losing in a battle of physical strength like that. Maybe if you’re Alice who has super abilities but a girl who is seemingly some kind of hybrid? It’s a bit harder to buy even allowing for the fact that we didn’t get to see her much. Meanwhile the final boss looks really bad as it gets one shotted. So the problem here among many others is that you couldn’t take the zombies super seriously as a threat since they kept losing.

There’s not much of a good soundtrack here unfortunately. There are a pair of songs that play randomly in moments that really don’t seem to match with what’s happening on screen though. Trust me that really took me by surprise because of how crazy it was but not really in a good way. As for the visuals, again I’d say the original is much better. This one’s going more for grotesque as opposed to cool so you lose a lot of points there.

At the end of the day what more can be said about this one right? It squeezes in all of the negatives you would expect to see. We’ve got animal violence, general excessive violence all over the place, a very weak cast, poor writing, and it’s just not that interesting. There are very few positives I can even give the film which is why it’s so low. There is one positive though and that is that I enjoyed the way the information was presented. For example when the on screen messages tell us what time it is or why the city is so abandoned. It was a fun way to deliver the exposition. I enjoyed it at least which is a small consolation. If only the rest of the film could have hung in there. I wanted to see more of what Umbrella was doing about this and reactions from the rest of the world. It feels like the setup is really nice but the film just didn’t capitalize. There’s a lot of fun things you can delve into here aside from the obvious zombies murdering everyone.

Overall, Resident Evil has another stinker here. I would definitely recommend watching the original films instead but I suppose technically the best thing to do would be to skip the whole franchise at this point. It’s difficult to pull off a zombie film as it is and I don’t think these will ever be the ones to buck the trend. At least there is an after credits scene to help set up the sequel and in general there are a lot of ways you can continue with the series but we’ll see what they actually want to do for the next adventure. Hopefully they get a little more out there with the next one.

Overall 1/10

The Evil of Frankenstein Review

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Well this film is definitely back to what you expect to see when you watch a Frankenstein film and I mean that in all the worst ways possible. The writing makes no sense and everyone is out of character. I won’t even talk about the continuity since this just ignores everything anyway but I don’t get why this is such a downgrade. In the last film Frankenstein was a stable genius but in this one he just looks like a sucker who has no idea what to do. He has fallen so far that it’s crazy. He really is a different character here.

The movie starts with Frankenstein being sloppy so he and Hans are run out of town. They manage to escape to a small circus where nobody recognizes them but Frankenstein is saddened to learn that his old home has been completely looted and the local guy in charge has taken all of his possessions. Frankenstein makes a big scene so now the cops are aware that he’s here. He does some more running and confronts the guy again only for the cops to defeat him once more. A local girl saves him and that’s when it turns out that the monster is still alive and just trapped in ice. Frankenstein frees him and uses a local hypnotist named Zoltan to wake the beast up. The problem? Zoltan now has full control of the monster. Frankenstein really messed up this time.

A lot of my issues just come from the fact that Frankenstein is no longer a genius at all. He makes the absolute worst mistakes over and over and over again and there’s no reason for it. Why make such a big deal about his material possessions and his ring? I guarantee that the old Frankenstein didn’t care about these things. He was cold and calculating, not overly emotional like this guy is. He continues sabotaging himself for the whole film and looks so bad. I also can’t stress enough how bad it was for him to be getting blackmailed by Zoltan.

Zoltan is a drunk who was being kicked out by the cops and he’s overwhelming Frankenstein?? Come onnnnnnnn. The fact that Frankenstein didn’t see this coming is also pretty bad since he saw Zoltan in action earlier. He knows exactly how hypnotism works so then he should have known that the monster would be listening to him. So Frankenstein really brings down the film quite a bit. His partner Hans also seems rather useless in this film. In the last one he had enough intelligence to hold his own with Frankenstein but in this case that’s no longer impressive since they have both fallen so far.

The girl was a reasonable character that you actually felt bad for. She definitely had a hard life and I don’t totally get what the purpose of her character was. She ends up helping Frankenstein a whole lot by taking him to the cave where he found the monster…but why was she really here? It felt like the film wasn’t even sure and in a way I guess you may be wondering why it matters. She is in the film so it doesn’t really matter why she’s there right? I guess I just can’t put my finger on it but she felt like a character who had a bigger role in the script and scenes got cut out of something. I dunno maybe that’s just me.

Meanwhile Zoltan is not one of the better villains. The guy gets control over a monster and the first thing he thinks to do is send it into town to steal money? Shouldn’t you be at least a little subtle about this? Once the cops start shooting and all then it’s going to be all over, monster or not. Use a little tact at least. Then the guy gets greedy and ultimately commands too much so it’s over for him. Yeah nobody’s very smart here. The smartest character was probably the head of the cops with how many times he caused Frankenstein to run away. I respected that guy.

For miscellaneous issues, the film reverts back to animal violence. Of course it does right? Why would we possibly need that….but yeah it’s pretty awful. We see the monster eating animals and then Frankenstein runs in front of a gun and gets shot. I’m telling you he looked soooo bad in this film. I also don’t think it was necessary to get such a large rewritten flashback of the original film. I think the writers knew that the current story didn’t have enough depth to it for a feature length presentation but then in that case maybe make a whole different plot? Cmonnnnnnnn.

Okay let me cut the film a little slack. We don’t get much of the body horror this time with limbs being taken off and all of that. So we’re trading poisons a bit and in that case I’ll take this poison over the other one. That’s pretty much all the solace I can give at this point. There just isn’t much I can say about the film at all in terms of positives. It’s not interesting and this time we don’t have the good writing from the last film. It basically ditched everything that at least made the franchise salvageable. It’s one of the weakest films I would say completely. The first film is still worse with the kid getting brutally murdered but that’s a low bar to match.

Overall, This film had no real thinking behind it. It fumbled the ball almost immediately and just could not be saved after a point. The film annoyed me just looking at it and that’s saying something. It just kept on going from bad to worse and the worst part is that a good amount of it could have been improved if Frankenstein at least looked decent. Sure, it would still have a bad score but at least the film would have had something to support it. Without even a decent main character it was doomed from the start. I definitely recommend staying far away from this film. Frankenstein films are definitely well over the hill.

Overall 1/10

The Night House Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the movie. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for one of those spooky haunted house films. Unfortunately this one doesn’t come close to the classic House on Haunted Hill films. The main character hurts this one a lot but also the more we went into the film the more all of the characters started getting rather annoying. Even the villain seems like a bunch of nonsense all things considered. Yeah this is definitely a film to run away from ASAP!

The film starts with Owen destroying himself so now his wife Beth’s life has been flipped upside down. She’s no longer able to think straight and focus on her teaching duties so she takes some time off. Her friends do their best to cheer her up but Beth won’t have any of it. She’s going to stay depressed for as long as it takes. Then some weird things begin to happen, music turns on by itself at home, her husband’s phone starts texting her, etc. Is it possible that somehow his spirit is still alive? The weirdness mainly happens at home so Beth has to stick it out for as long as possible.

One thing the film does to try and make this a bit different from your standard title is that Beth is someone who is super jaded, loves depressing humor and isn’t afraid of the ghost. So she’s dodging most of the stereotypes and it makes sense since she assumes that the ghost is her husband. Why would she fear him right? It’s pretty reasonable and makes sense and even her journey about finding out the secrets behind his suicide note checks out. However it would be nice if she could be a little more agreeable with her friends who are really just trying to help out. All of their kindness is just met with sarcasm the whole time.

By the end she’s often alone because she keeps pushing everyone away. Then in the climax the mind games start putting her in a tricky spot where she barely makes her way out. There’s not much she could do about getting wrecked in the fight with the ghost since he has super strength but being a loner wasn’t doing her a whole lot of good here. Also at the very end I think she should have warned the others about the threat that is lurking around. I suppose they may not believe her but then they are in mortal danger!

Then we have Owen who is easily the worst character in the film. Obviously committing suicide is a really bad thing to do right out of the gate but the context of the movie makes it so much worse. So he is aware that there is a supernatural being who is after both him and Beth. This creature called Nothing actively wants to murder them….so he murders himself without letting Beth know? So much for protecting your wife until the day you die. It gets so much worse than that though. He actually goes ahead and starts murdering a bunch of women who look just like his wife in an extremely awful attempt to trick the creature.

What? This may be the worst plan I’ve ever heard of. No joke it’s hard to top this for a variety of reasons. Can you think of them? Lets break this down. A supernatural creature appears and tells Owen to murder his wife. This creature is invisible and seems to always be around but hard to pin down. So Owen….goes outside and searches until he finds women who look just like Beth. He has enough natural charm to date all of them…then he murders them and places their bodies in a little hut to show the creature so it will assume that he murdered his wife.

All right lets break down this horrific plan. First off…he still goes home to his wife every day and Nothing sees this. So…how are you going to fool him again? It’s abusrrrrrrd!! Okay then the next problem is if you’re going to try this trick you just need one body. Why did he murder several body doubles? That just tells Nothing that you’re really taking him for a fool now. This film really needed to toss out the script and start again. This is just bad man. Also that means he is becoming a mass murderer to try and protect his wife. Surely he has the drive to stick around and make sure she’s okay right?

Nahhhh he murders himself and leaves her a vague note with no context, no warning, and nothing that is helpful at all. He basically just makes her think that he is crazy and of course now Nothing ends up going after her next. He’s such an awful character and the more you see of him the worse it gets. It gets even worse though. Nothing is able to harness extra dimensional energies so he takes Beth into an alternate world where she appears as one of the victims and then he has the past essence of Owen start beating her up and nearly destroys her. So Owen in a roundabout way was nearly the end of Beth. Did I mention how awful this character is yet??

Okay lets move on. At least we had a decent character in Claire. She sees that her friend Beth is clearly cracking up but tries to be there for her regardless. Claire is easily the best character. She has issues of her own but is doing her best to be supportive and available. Meanwhile the neighbor Mel is okay but not as impressive since he didn’t tell Beth that Owen was crazy when he had the chance. I know he may have felt it was none of his business but when you’re good friends with someone you have to break the truth to them. Particularly if that person’s life is in danger or if the trust has been betrayed. If Mel was worried about what would happen next then leave an anonymous note or something.

Also Nothing’s not much of an interesting villain. I also don’t think the movie knew what to do with him. He can clearly interact with solid objects in the real world yet he uses so many roundabout ways to destroy Beth. If he wanted her dead then he could have done it at any time. Instead he tries to break her mentally first and puts her in different illusions and memory fights. I suppose he has all the time in the world to win but it just makes him look weak and ineffectual. The fact that he is invisible so we never actually see him doesn’t really help matters either.

Overall, The Night House is a really annoying film and the characters’ actions make 0 sense. Owen was ultimately a much more sinister villain than Nothing. At least Nothing is a random supernatural villain messing around but Owen is a mass murderer literally executing innocent people with no proper end goal in mind. By the end of it Owen’s just such an awful character and you’re cringing whenever he’s on screen. There just wasn’t much of a point to this adventure. You don’t always need a lot of answers by the end but as far as I’m concerned Nothing is still out there terrorizing people and he’s likely not done with Beth quite yet. The other world will continue to be a factor as everyone gets haunted and so there can be no peace. You could make a solid action sequel to this as the government gets involved or something but as a horror, nah this is not going anywhere anytime soon.

Overall 1/10