Category Archives: 1 Star Movies

Old Yeller Review

Posted on by
Reply


Old Yeller is one of those films where you immediately know that it’s not going to be very good. Nothing about it particularly stands out for good reasons but there are sure a lot of bad ones. When a dog is a prominent character in a film, odds are that the movie will not be able to hold itself back from having bad things happen to it. That’s just the way that these things go.

The movie starts with a man leaving his family behind as he has a job to do and so his older son Travis vows to protect the family. The problem is that he is out of his depth from the start as he constantly panics and blames everyone else for his shortcomings. He goes as far as to threaten the local stray, Old Yeller. Travis never appears as a reasonable character for a large chunk of the film and even lays an intentional trap to try and shoot Yeller. This kid’s not above throwing rocks at the dog either. All in all, a sad excuse for a main character. You’re absolutely waiting for him to get humbled the whole time and admit that he never had a good plan.

As the film goes on you never get to be a fan of him. He’s rude and immature for the duration of the film. Meanwhile his younger brother Arliss isn’t as bad although he is so young that he does manage to get into a lot of trouble on multiple occasions. He’s just not old enough to know what’s going on and has a habit of disobeying authority which doesn’t help. You’ll be cringing at several of his scenes.

Meanwhile their mom Katie does her best to keep a hands off approach but sometimes you feel like she should be doing a bit more. She calls out Travis when he keeps making mistakes in the intro but perhaps it was her time to take charge by this point. She also has to play nice with the annoying neighbors who come to visit. I won’t be as harsh in this instance because it’s probably the smart play while they’re all alone. It’ll just make you annoying at Arliss again for making them have to cook dinner.

Some would say that the kids in this film are realistic but all that counts is how annoying they are here. Yeller does good, he’s probably the only high quality character in the film. He fights hard at all times and really dominates. The only time he’s on the losing side of things is when the pesky humans get in the way. So that’s not really something that would be his fault.

The supporting characters were not all that good either. In particular, Yeller’s old owner stands out. You would have expected him to have been ready to fight for Yeller the whole way through. Why would you let some kids keep him? That just doesn’t make any sense and makes the guy not look like a good owner. Yeah some kids would be sad about it but you’d be even sadder to lose your dog. It’s really no contest.

Of course the biggest issue the film has is the animal violence. You probably guessed that by this point though. There is quite a bit of it as animals are hunted left and right while of course stuff happens with Yeller. The film has no shortage of making sure you don’t have a whole lot of fun with this one and this absolutely sealed the deal for the film. It’s not like I find the old west to be a great backdrop in the first place. So it’s not like the film had any backup there. In the end the deck was absolutely stacked against it.

I don’t even think a remake would be able to do a whole lot of good here. Ultimately what would hold that one back is that even if they change the ending, I’m sure there will be a lot of turmoil with the dog and they will probably want to keep the other animal stuff present as well. Lets face it, this is the ultimate lose-lose kind of situation. It’s why generally my advice to filmmakers is not to include animals in their movies at all. Yeah sometimes you will get a harmless one but those are exceptionally rare.

I suppose a remake could at least make the kid less annoying though. Maybe age him up so he’s already an adult and doesn’t have to be trying so hard with little results this time around. Maybe it’ll be more of an invasion film where he’s attacked by Indians or something. Now if there’s one positive I can say for the film, it’s that the runtime isn’t super long. If this film were 2 hours then it would have definitely been really rough. It would have been dragged on forever, so I give the film credit for showing some restraint there.

Overall, Old Yeller is not a film that I would recommend to anyone. It fails the basic lesson of all films which is that they’re supposed to be fun. A film that does not provide any entertainment value is one that was doomed from the start. This is definitely a film with 0 replay value and you will want to stay far away from it. If you need to watch a quality film with dogs, I’d say to grab a random Air Bud film. Those usually have a tendency to be pretty solid all the way around.

Overall 1/10

Rambo: Last Blood Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

If you walked up to me and told me that Rambo: Last Blood was gonna be a terrible film…I would have just nodded. I don’t think it’s particularly surprising that the film didn’t go well. When a thriller series goes on for too long it gets tempted to throw in a bunch of tragedy and call it a day. A cheap revenge thriller will always cost a film a lot of points and this one just feels hollow by the end of its run. Too much damage had already been done.

The film starts off with Rambo trying to live an ordinary life. He lives fairly isolated on a mountain with a nice lady and her grand daughter. Unfortunately the girl really wants to meet the father who ditched her as a child. Doesn’t seem like the best thing to do and Rambo warns her against this. Her father wasn’t a good man and he lives in a very shady part of Mexico. Just going over there is courting death. The girl doesn’t care and heads over but things don’t go well and she goes. Now Rambo is on a big revenge tour to destroy all of the people responsible for what happened to her. Can even Rambo take on an entire army though?

Rambo gets a lot of hype in these films and he is tough but the guy definitely bought into his own hype here. He shows up at the villain’s base without any plan and gets absolutely dominated. He doesn’t even put up any kind of fight and it’s definitely one of the more embarrassing showings for a guy like this. At least later on he gets some prep time and pulls off some Home Alone tactics. It takes a long while to get to that point though. One of the big problems with the film is it feels like the whole first half is just to set the tone and show how messed up everything is.

The fights don’t really start until the climax when it’s Rambo against everybody. That part is certainly fun although the film definitely does go out of its way to be as graphic as possible. Each death tends to be like something out of a slasher type film as the characters are all ripped to pieces. The film makes sure to remind you how evil they all are first so you don’t feel bad for them but the film definitely could have handled itself in a less extreme manner. This whole film is going for the extreme angle and so of course it’s just not a particularly fun watch.

The granddaughter makes a ton of terrible mistakes and isn’t particularly smart but you still don’t want to see her going through so many trials. The movie is just way over the top mean spirited throughout so you don’t even get a breather. There is virtually no characters around so there isn’t even any chance for banter. I mean the film’s overall tone might have made that impossible anyway but with only Rambo around there just isn’t much for the film to do. He goes around murdering everyone and that’s it.

To fix the film, you’d need to completely rewrite the plot. Remove the first half and definitely tone down all of the violence throughout the movie. You definitely don’t need any of that. Maybe have at least one villain with actual goals and aspirations beyond just being super evil. I don’t need a sob story and I definitely don’t need a full subplot but maybe something about money or power. He’s basically just trying to spite Rambo by the midpoint which isn’t even a real goal. He’s just doing whatever he wants without even thinking it through. Not the most interesting kind of villains here. They just exist to die.

Also you do have to suspend a good amount of disbelief for Rambo taking everyone out. Yeah he is legendary and everything but he takes out dozens and dozens of fighters while running through the tunnels. everything had to go perfectly for him in order for this to work like them going through specific entrances and always triggering the traps on time. It’s a thriller so this kind of thing is definitely to be expected but it also means that the fight scenes aren’t as good as they could have been. Mainly there aren’t fights as it’s just the villains getting murdered by traps.

At no point do you feel like the film even has a real purpose here. It’s just going through the motions and then it’s not even doing that right with how long it takes for the fights to start. I’d say that the film was disappointing but for the most part it’s not like I went into it with any high hopes anyway. Just about everyone agrees that the film is pretty weak so this wasn’t a surprise. The film just ended up living up to its own hype and in this case that was a bad thing.

I think it’s fair to say that it is time for the Rambo series to end. There’s just not much more to do with it by this point. He’s already lost so many people and he’s also really old by this point. You can only have so many Rambo hype moments. After all, that’s why most of this film has him with homefield advantage picking the villains off. in a straight fight there would just be too many of them.

Overall, Rambo: Last Blood is definitely not my kind of film. If you want a super edgy, grim dark title then check this one out but otherwise you should stay far away. It’s one thing to make a darker film where things don’t always go well but this one goes too extremely in the other direction. Nothing goes well and the heroes just keep on getting farther and farther away. You have a reporter around who lost someone to the gangs but if you take her out of the movie then virtually nothing changes. I still find it hard to understand why you would even want to try and find a parent who ditched you, seems like that will end poorly 99 times out of 100. Meanwhile the cops are corrupt and while Rambo is saving people related to this immediate danger, it seems like this is a huge syndicate. It just paints a very bleak picture of life for everyone involved. At least I can appreciate that Rambo does not have a no kill rule since that would have made the situation even more difficult.

Overall 1/10

Puppet Master Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for one of those disgraceful movies. This one never even got to start on a high note and so you knew immediately that it wouldn’t be any good. Puppets can make for interesting villains at times but this one is definitely just going for shock value the whole time with no real substance at play. Throw in a bunch of annoying characters and you have an absolute recipe for disaster.

The film starts off with the Puppet Master bumping himself off instead of fighting off the evil villains. We then cut to the present where a group of psychic power users are summoned by their old “friend” Neil. These people are the best at what they do. Whether it is seeing the future, seeing the past, or being able to use wards, they are ready for anything. You might call them something like the Psychic Avengers! When they all walk into a room you will be shocked at what little aura any of them possesses. It’s almost as if they drain it from the room. Here’s the strange thing though, Neil is dead and has clearly been that way for a long while. How come none of these psychics sensed that? How did Neil summon them while dead? Well surely it wouldn’t hurt to stay in his mansion for one night?…….can they survive the puppets?

I mean maybe you could feel a little bad for them if they were upstanding citizens but they all look terrible from the jump. Frank and Carissa are way too self absorbed as they mess around when this should be serious business, Dana seems rather desperate and Alex completely wastes his future ability by not actually doing anything about it. It’s clear that they are all out of their depths and completely unprepared for what is about to happen. These psychics are all about to get exposed.

Neil’s wife Megan is rather suspicious the whole time. She is easy to offend but also seems to know more than she is letting on with Neil. The film shrouds her in mystery the whole time but she still never manages to be all that interesting. She gets to spend a decent amount of time with Alex but of course she was just married so you hope there is no romance brewing. Alex just seems oblivious to all the danger throughout the movie though. Even in the dream where we see the future, he just mindlessly walks into a trap. Yes, it was a dream but it is treated as something he would have done if that was the situation. Cmon now.

Frank and Carissa are some of the worst because they know they are in imminent danger and decide now is the time for bondage play. Really? Reallllly? That’s one of the most contrived kills I’ve seen in a long time, especially as Carissa has several minutes to free Frank but panics instead. The whole scene is just soooo bad and drawn out. They were going for max edge on both of the kills here and it was all so overdone.

Then for Dana, she seemed like the weakest anyway. Aside from her only noticeable trait being that she was crazy, she just didn’t handle this very well. I’ll get into this more later on but the puppets are really weak. At least for Frank and Carissa you can make a few excuses even if they are weak ones. Well, Frank has a legit excuse, the rest are dicey. For Dana she is just flat out defeated which is crazy.

These puppets are nothing like Chucky or Talking Tina. They don’t seem to have infinite regen or teleportation. We see characters tossing them around and plucking them apart like actual toys. They look so weak (Thanks in part to the low budget) that they should have lost immediately. For example one of the puppets is like the Thing. He does the “It’s Clobbering time!” barrage of fists. His fists don’t hurt too much as different characters eat a few punches and then toss him away. The main problem as always is they don’t finish the job. Rip the puppets arms off, keep the head detached, etc. Instead they just wait as the puppet very slowly puts himself back together.

Yeah the small hits will add up eventually so just take them out. Near the end we get an extended fight scene where somebody takes on multiple puppets at once and you just can’t help but feel like he could have done a lot better. The movie never actually makes the puppets look all that scary. I mean they were scared of humans with guns in the opening scene after all. They are fighters but not particularly good ones.

I’d also say that the ending is rather rushed with the puppets doing a 180 for no reason. You’re not sure why the main villain is suddenly afraid of them or why Alex suddenly wants to help the villain. Did he think the death would be too gruesome? I just don’t see why, if Alex frees the guy then Alex will quickly be murdered. It again makes Alex look dumb as rocks here. So not only is he making all of the wrong decisions over and over again but now he’s actively going out of his way to help the villain?

The writing throughout the film is terrible but that’s par for the course. The villains aren’t very intimidating at all and the characters are really bad. The violence is extremely over the top and so the movie doesn’t really have much of anything going for it. It’s not very long at least which I can say is a good thing. That may be the only real good thing I can say about it. There was a lot of potential here but the film used none of it.

There is one good thing I can say about the film and that is that I liked the designs of some of the puppets. The one with the knife was rather scary and I also liked the one with the big fists. The sound effect every time he would punch someone was intense. Maybe a bit funnier than scary but it worked well. The puppets could hold their own in a survival setting. The movie just didn’t execute on anything around them.

Overall, The idea of a bunch of psychic people getting together to solve a mystery of their dead enemy is really interesting. You could have done a lot with that but instead they don’t actually get to interact a ton before they split up and start getting picked off. None of them have any survival instincts with how they drink a lot and get tied up. Different members felt danger and evil when they walked into the mansion, did they just forget that? They underestimated the dummies to a painful degree and I’d argue the only smart thing to do would have been to leave the house immediately. If not, at least stay together and it would be hard to be defeated. Their overconfidence got to them and I still find it hard to believe that the franchise got so many films. Maybe the sequels will be better but this was a really rough start for the franchise. It was just L after L and you want to stay very far away from this one.

Overall 2/10

3 Women Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for one of those very weird films where everybody is kinda crazy. Unfortunately instead of getting super invested in what’s going on this is the kind of film where you’ll be checking your watch a few times. The story beats don’t really follow very logically and so the movie just doesn’t feel very satisfying. Definitely wasn’t my cup of tea.

The film follows 3 women as you can tell based on the title but one of them barely gets to do anything. So Pinky has just started working at a health recovery type spot for old people. She is fairly timid and has a hard time making friends so she ends up gravitating towards Millie, a girl who is constantly talking. Millie has no problems striking up a conversation with anybody but the thing is, nobody listens to her and nobody even wants to talk to her. People straight up ignore her most of the time and want nothing to do with her. I get the feeling it could be because Millie just seems fake or brings too much drama. Either way Pinky figures this is her chance and grabs the application to become roommates with her. Will this work out?

It’s sort of a worst case scenario for Pinky to be honest. Millie is a bit oblivious to the fact that everyone ignores her although to an extent I think she realizes but is so deep into the act that she can’t give up now. Thing is, she is not interested in talking to Pinky and that’s the one person who will listen to her. So it’s a pretty rough cycle as Millie is super critical of Pinky and basically talks down to her the whole time. If you weren’t sure what a toxic friendship looked like, this would be it. The amount of gaslighting here goes pretty crazy.

For that reason Millie isn’t even remotely likable. She’s just way too desperate for attention even if that means sleeping around and being a bully. This certainly won’t help her attract the right attention either. The tables turn on her in the second half and it’s hard to feel too bad for her. When you have a lead like this then the film is already in a bit of trouble.

As for Pinky, she is also getting herself into this mess. Yes, she is starved for attention but the moment that means trying to get close to someone like Millie who is verbally abusive the whole time, you know you’ve gone too far. Pinky can also be quite nosy like when she was reading Millie’s diary on the sneak. Then after Pinky’s incident, she does a complete 180 and basically starts to act like Millie which means absorbing all of her flaws. By the end of this there was nothing likable about her either.

Finally we have the third woman Willie who draws abstract graffiti onto the ground, walls, and wherever she likes. She’s been pregnant for a while but her husband isn’t the loyal type and so she’s basically on her own. She is chronically depressed the whole time and the end of the film is certainly not kind to her. Her mind is thoroughly broken by the end of the film like everyone else’s so there was really nobody spared. She is really lacking in screentime but gets more involved for the end of the film.

The film definitely gets as edgy as possible with no proper character models in the whole film. Each character is out for herself and only does what will put her ahead. None of them seem to have proper values at all. All of the people partying at the building lobby seem just as bad and even in the workplace nobody seems to care about anything. The movie definitely portrays a very depressing landscape for all of the characters involved.

There aren’t really any happy moments in the film. Even without the terrible ending the movie wasn’t on pace to be anything super good either. It should have leaned into the weird angle a bit more instead of being this odd drama. Like we meet Pinky’s parents and they just seem really weird the whole time. You can definitely see how Pinky would have had a rough upbringing with these two at the helm. Yet the film just disregards them quickly, their weird scenes are just there and then they’re gone.

Instead of being a realistic look at each character having a psychological breakdown, have there be some supernatural moments. Have some ghosts appear, demons possessing the main characters, things like that. That would have absolutely been infinitely more interesting and given the film more of a central focus. This way you aren’t sure how much of what you see on screen is really happening naturally or what is being supernaturally meddled with. Lots of possibilities there without a doubt.

Overall, 3 Women was definitely a pretty terrible film. It messes up on virtually every element from the main characters to the story, to the ending. It missed the main part of just being a fun story. One key change that could have been good would have been to have had Millie and Pinky actually getting along the whole time. Have things be going well, then one day Millie gets upset and yells at Pinky which leads to the accident. It would play up more on Pinky not knowing how to handle the situation as opposed to Millie being a bully the whole time and that being the moment where it went too far. Would have been more realistic but more importantly it would have given us some positive scenes to enjoy before things got all depressing again. That would have been the much better approach if you ask me. Although if the ending was unchanged then I don’t think the film would have had much luck anyway. It definitely crosses the line of being too tragic. Unless you want to watch a film about a depressing town with a lot of depressed people in it, this is a film to avoid.

Overall 1/10

Final Destination 3 Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a really bad film and trust me when I say it’s reallllllly bad. At the same time, I didn’t quite think it was a 0 so we have that going for the film. It’s probably the best thing I can say about it to be honest. Like there’s really nothing good about it but I didn’t feel like it was worthy of being at the very bottom of the bucket. Small mercies and all right? Still, if you’ve made it to Final Destination 3 then I imagine you’re probably at least a slight fan of the series so maybe you’ll appreciate this one more than I did.

The film starts off with a bunch of annoying teenagers enjoying a fair and messing around. They all tend to be unlikable jerks and the kind of cliques that you’d want to avoid. If you see them coming then you need to cross the street but it’s probably too late by that point. They decide to head on a roller coaster but Wendy gets the feeling that they’re all going to die so she makes a huge scene and gets off. This starts a chain reaction of other kids getting off and the ones who stay all get destroyed. Now Wendy is feeling some survivor’s guilt and most of the other kids aren’t even grateful that she saved them. It was all coincidence and all that. The problem is that death is mad about the way they survived this and has decided to bump them off one by one. Can they find a way to stop such an all powerful being or is this going to be yet another lesson in futility?

This is a problem with a lot of supernatural slashers which is that we all know the heroes have absolutely no chance. What are you going to do against an opponent who can’t die, can’t feel pain, etc. Death is also immortal so he has all day while the main characters will eventually slip up. Death has no true weaknesses or limitations in his abilities either so yeah this is going to be a long film for the characters. It would help if Death himself actually appeared to gloat or something but he’s treated more like a natural disaster. He also seems like a troll since you could make the case that he gave Wendy the vision in the first place. Sort of like he is bored and just needs a reason to keep on murdering.

Right off the bat the film isn’t helping itself either with all the demonic imagery. Yeah it makes sense to remind the characters how evil everything is but they could have at least pretended to have a little subtlety. Then we also have to make one of the characters a total creep which is annoying. He basically exists to annoy and pester the girls. Even the main guy who we’re supposed to be sympathetic for, decides to take an inappropriate photo of one of the girls in his first scene. The film goes out of its way to make the characters super unlikable.

It’s one of those tactics I understand because then you don’t feel as bad when they are bumped off, but this backfires almost every time I would say. After all you’re now following a bunch of characters who are all just pretty bad. Also not all of them are as bad as the others so some of them feel like they are paying a price that is way too drastic. For example there are two girls who are not very smart, they shown to be rather shallow and really unaware of what’s going on but that’s hardly enough for them to get a grisly murder. You can’t put them in the same category as the perv or the guy who is always ready to pick a fight.

At the end of the day, almost all of the characters are going to get bumped off regardless. I suppose life not being fair could be just another message but it’s not one that I’m a fan of. Then you also have Wendy figuring out the death rules but it doesn’t really make much sense. At least in the first two films you had the mysterious guy throwing in a bunch of lore and helping to confirm what’s true but here she picks up on all of it with the flimsiest reasonings possible. You have a very hard time believing that she actually pieced the puzzle together like that.

For starters, the roller coaster deaths seem hard to predict the order of compared to the airplane. It would have been way harder to keep track of them all. Then conveniently there are people covering the photos at times right up until the murder happens. Again, it feels like death is just trolling the whole time which means the main characters are even more doomed than usual. Mix in how over the top violent it is and that’s a recipe for disaster. What you end up wishing for by the end is at least a few normal deaths. A relatively quick/painless death instead of it always having to be super disturbing.

Maybe have one character cheat death several times with some cool athletics or something. You can afford to lighten up the tone just a little bit instead of the films always being so somber. Even the shock ending isn’t quite as shocking as it could have been. I will say that the subway seems like a fun backdrop though so I’d be cool with that being the main setting for one of these films. Perhaps it would get old quick but I think there is some potential there. Not that this franchise as a whole has much potential though. First thing you need to do is come up with some actual likable characters. Something that can be used as a foundation to push the film forward. Throw in a real plot and definitely give Death at least the illusion of a weakness. If you do that then perhaps we can actually have an adventure.

Overall, Final Destination 3 is definitely the weakest entry in the series. It’s really just an excuse to have a bunch of characters all murdered in very grisly ways. You could say that’s always been the point but at least there was some semblance of a story stringing it all together. I would say this film barely even bothers with the pretense. The characters just keep getting bumped off and at no point in the film are you actually having any fun. It’s just all way too grim dark the whole time for any of that. Definitely stay far away from this film and you will be glad you did. You won’t be missing anything of value here.

Overall 1/10

Storm Warning Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for a look at one of those films where things were definitely not going very well for the heroes. The first half is a very compelling story about just how corrupt things can get in a small town that doesn’t have enough checks and balances while the second half turns into a more exploitative film that focuses too much on punishing the main heroine for her mistakes. Ultimately this one really fell off a cliff and squandered its potential.

The film starts off with Marsha on the way to another modeling gig but she decides to get off the train early to visit her sister Lucy. Lucy got married a few years back but Marsha never got to visit her. She even steals a few of the company’s dresses to celebrate the occasion. Unfortunately the town is really not that friendly and almost immediately she sees the KKK executing someone. Marsha finally makes it to her sister Lucy but discovers that her husband was one of the members responsible. He begs her not to say anything or bad things will occur while the DA Rainey says she is his only hope. He’s been trying to stop the KKK for years but to no avail. With her help this can finally change. Will she side with justice and save the town or sacrifice them all for her sister’s happiness?

It doesn’t seem like a very hard choice to be honest since she already knows that Lucy’s husband Hank is no good. Yes, Lucy has decided to stay with him but if Marsha gets him behind bars or into the chair then she will be able to force the issue. Often times people are blind to their significant other’s faults in the pursuit of love and so you have to help them make the tough calls. Marsha also needs to think about the rest of the town which will really be doomed if this keeps up. Perhaps in the short term they may seem okay with a lot of them being members of the KKK so they’re together in their crimes but criminals never end up staying in peace for long.

Unfortunately Marsha tends to make the worst decisions throughout the movie and also has to be one of the least intelligent main characters that I’ve seen in a long time. Stealing the dresses was bad on a moral level even before lying on the stand. Then for not being smart, she continues to antagonize the villains after they have already won. So they don’t really have to worry about anything and that includes being pleasant to her at all. When she gets back to Lucy’s home she doesn’t really have a care in the world as she doesn’t even close the door when changing despite already knowing that Hank’s not a good guy.

Then threatening to his face how she’s going to ruin his life and destroy the group was also not smart in the least. It would have been nice if she at least had a weapon of sorts and was ready to end this guy but that wasn’t the case. So ultimately it just ended up being a bunch of hot air that made her situation worse the whole time. The film really puts her through the wringer throughout the climax and you feel like it’s the film punishing her for making the wrong decision but it goes way too far.

Hank had been flirting with her from the start despite being married and as the big villain, he decides to just take her by the end. It’s definitely one of the worst kind of plot points you can have in any movie and he gets away with far too much before he’s stopped. We already knew he was the villain so the movie definitely didn’t need to go that far. I’d say they should have deleted the whole scene entirely.

Meanwhile Lucy also ends up having to pay a lot for her naivety throughout the movie. She kept on insisting that Hank wasn’t all that bad and all as she ignored all of the evidence in front of her. It’s a real shame because she didn’t seem like a bad person but unfortunately anyone can make bad decisions. Hers ended up involving a whole lot of people and so you figured things wouldn’t go very well for her either.

In general there are very few likable characters here. In fact, the only likable character here is Rainey. He’s at least trying to get to the bottom of this and doing his absolute best to make a difference. He’s taking a rather large risk in even broaching the subject considering how many people want him out of the picture. He was willing to risk it all on more than one occasion and nobody else can say that. His deputy and a few of the other cops at least follow him so they get some points there but nobody would have been proactively doing anything if not for Rainey. Even when he gets discouraged, the guy doesn’t give up. Figuring out where the group would meet in the end was definitely smart.

Meanwhile the main villain Barr definitely had a lot of nerve the whole time. It’s easy to see how he became the leader because he is very good at threatening the other characters. Absolutely nobody wanted to get in his way at all. He clearly had other characters afraid and even by the end he wasn’t about to give up. They had to really take him in by force. The rest of the characters folded a lot quicker when under pressure though. It does feel like there’s not a lot of hope left for the town with how many people were members though. They’re all complicit in what was going on as a result and while it’s good that Rainey stopped them, he should probably deem the town a lost cause and head on out afterwards. Once someone has been a part of a group like that, it’s hard to ever trust them again.

Overall, Storm Warning had a very strong start with the whole conspiracy/mystery angle. It was really interesting to see just how ominous and shady everything was. Unfortunately the film dropped the subtlety and just went for straight trauma after that. One common pitfall a film can make is allowing the villains to get away with too much. Making things too dark and edgy to really hammer home that the heroes are on the backfoot here. When you go too hard into something like that, it unfortunately ends up messing up the film as a whole. So in the end this is a film that I would highly recommend staying away from. The writing and overall quality just take such a nose dive after the trial ends that it almost feels like a different film by that point.

Overall 1/10

The Call Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a film involving the 911 operations and how they really have to go through a lot. We hear about a ton of different crimes going on and the whole film is about being in the middle of a tragedy and how the operators ultimately won’t be able to stop everyone. It doesn’t make for the most enjoyable film that’s for sure.

The movie introduces us to Jordan who is one of the best in the business for 911 operators. She’s been at this for a while and knows how to very quickly enter in all of the combinations and do what she has to. Unfortunately she makes a big mistake in one case which causes the victim to be murdered so she transfers out of active duty and into a teaching role. She is pulled back in though when there is a big kidnapping case and Jordan is the only one with the skills to handle the call. Will she be able to save the victim this time or is it game over for her?

I’d say the main issue with this film is that it’s one of those movies that relies a whole lot on shock value. They want to really show just how bad the villain is so we have to watch large parts of his crimes in full detail. The scenes go on for a very long time and it’s all pretty tragic. A film that is more confident in its writing and overall abilities would leave more to the imagination and just hit us with the need to know bits. Instead this film goes all in on this to its own detriment. It doesn’t end up being a film that you would really want to watch at all as you’re ready to turn it off after the opening minutes.

Even the crimes we get over the intercom tend to mainly be rather grisly to remind people how tough the job is. For sure being a 911 operator is not something that would be for everyone. It’s incredibly difficult and high stress. For those reasons it is probably a good idea to have a film on it to remind people of that but this film just lacked any kind of subtlety which put it in a rough position right from the jump. I would say the film really shouldn’t have shown the first crime or at least made more parts of it be off screen. It’s just a real mean spirited intro.

Then for the main part of the film you at least figure Jordan will be taking the villain down before he can do much but he gets away with way too much. When we get to his base it seems like this guy has been in the business for a while which is extra grim dark and the girl was injured a whole lot before Jordan is able to get there. When the villain gets away with this much it just ends up making the end of the film feel like a very hollow victory instead of the full success that it should have been. It’s like something got lost midway through the film rather than it being a big success.

Jordan does her best as the main character and while she did make a huge mistake, it is something that could happen to anyone. She has seemingly had a spotless career up to this point and has handled many calls. Jordan also knew when it was time to leave active duty and did this in a way where she wouldn’t put anyone in danger by freezing up. Ultimately even by the end she was willing to put herself in a lot of danger to help the victim so I can appreciate that.

The ending of the film is going for that classic revenge kind of feel and I do think it’s one of the problems with shock value type films. You basically make the villains so evil and over the top that you can then give license to the heroes to do something equally cruel back to them. It gives the audience vindication and everything. I can see the satisfaction there but honestly the best kind of ending is just shooting the villain and keeping it moving. A quick death and you send a message to the rest of the crooks. It may not be as satisfying in the moment but it helps to prevent the film just getting more and more violent the whole time.

It goes without saying that the film is super violent and has a lot of dark tones so that’s another reason you wouldn’t recommend this title to just anyone. It’s also one of those films where anyone who stands up to the main villain isn’t going to do so well. For example we have someone who tries to call the cops and get attacked but from then on doesn’t look very good at all. You knew he was doomed from the start though and I don’t get how he lowered his guard. A second guy at the gas station even had a weapon and a drop on the main villain but then he lowers his guard to open the door?

Lets just keep this simple, if you see someone had kidnapped a girl you already know he’s deranged. So you don’t need to be looking around wondering what to do. You gotta keep him in front of you and either finish him off or hold him til the cops arrive. Opening the door to try and get the girl out isn’t going to help at all. 9 times out of 10 she is likely going to be in no physical position to help and if anything you just made it tougher because he can grab her as a hostage or something. You have to win the 1 on 1 fight first and then worry about all of that.

Overall, The Call is a pretty terrible movie all around. It’s super cliche’d and predictable the whole time. At most the only unpredictable part is how far the film takes things because I thought it would have at least some basic restraint. Definitely one you will want to skip at all times. There are no real positives to be said about this journey. This kind of plot at least regarding the kidnapping has been done way better in numerous films. This one is just relying too much on that classic kind of shock value that you would expect from a B movie. The whole thing has that forced dark tone about it. I’d definitely wait for a remake someday to iron out all the flaws and make this into a much better film. They can do it….I’m sure they can. It’s hard to get much worse after all.

Overall 1/10

Scream Blacula Scream Review

Posted on by
1


It’s time for the next Blahhhhhhcula film. The name just makes that joke too easy! But yeah this is not a good film and you likely knew that going into it. It’s another really cheap vampire film that’s doing its best to impress and scare you but instead it has the opposite effect. You will be rolling your eyes at this one and wondering when it’s over. There’s nothing to really like about this film as it squanders any decent ideas that might have been thrown into the mix.

The film starts with the queen of voodoo dying so she quickly forgets to name a successor. It has to come down to a vote now and everyone knows it will be Lisa which infuriates Willis. He decides to do something about this and messes with some bones until he resurrects Blacula. Blacula quickly turns Willis into a vampire and then decides to go on another murder spree. Will anyone be safe from all of these murders? Lisa will need to watch out since she is now the one with the strongest Voodoo energy. If she ends up siding with Blacula then all hope may be lost.

So lets get this out of the way, the film has a ton of the usual blood sucking right out of the gate. You’ll be grimacing the whole time because this is not what you signed up for. Not at all! I mean that sounds like I’m in denial but you can do a vampire film without all of that. These also have to be the longest blood drain scenes that I’ve come across. Seriously there’s just no end to them. They keep going on and on and on. If you ask me personally the best thing to do here would have been to do a quick cut. You get the initial bite and then skip.

Although it’s clear that the film was pretty proud of these scenes for how drawn out they were. Even the moments leading up to the bites, you got zoom ins on the teeth early on. At least some of the victims were asking for it like the random guys trying to bully Blacula in the streets. It was nice to bump them off but we can do better than the classic bite every time. So right off the bat the film was already doomed thanks to this.

Then the characters aren’t smart at all. Lisa already knows that Blacula is murdering people and yet by the end she wants to help him and everything? Noooo that’s not cool. She still seems shocked when he continues to hurt people but he’s been doing that since the very beginning so there’s no excuse there. He didn’t change, he was evil right from the jump. That’s what I’ve been trying to explain the whole time. Also considering her psychic voodoo powers, she still looks very weak the whole time.

She is easily suckered by her friend who turned vampire and then tries to drain her. Shouldn’t Lisa have some kind of supernatural defenses? So that’s a big strike against her character right from the jump. Then after that we’ve also got the fact that she doesn’t immediately end Blacula when she has the doll. Just stab it or put it in a choke hold. Instead she takes ages which nearly costs her.

All right, one slight positive for the film. I really liked the confrontation between Justin and Blacula where we have a really tense talk. Both of them are casually murdering the other one and it’s a very boss moment for Justin. Not a smart one mind you, since Blacula could have murdered him at any point. Still, it showed that he was ready to stand his ground. The film is really reusing this from other titles but it still hit right. It’s the best scene in the film by far.

In general I was glad that the cops got involved as well. They actually get to fight it out with the vampires which was pretty cool. We get some actual battle scenes although the cops have a bad habit of hesitating. Look, these are vampires, you have to just take them out. Use the stake or it will be used against you. I did wonder why they wouldn’t re-use a stake though. For example one guy uses his stake and then gets rushed by a second vampire so he cuts it in half to use a new one. Many cops just gave up once they used their 1 stake and got wrecked.

Just pull it out of the dead body and use it again. It’s still made of wood so I’m confident that it will work as many times as needed. These guys really need to learn basic combat skills. The whole film should have been the general confrontation because that would actually be an original take. The full might of the police force against the personal army of vampires that Blacula built up. That had a lot of potential over the usual stuff.

Instead what the film decided to focus on in terms of being unique is the voodoo witchcraft nonsense. Those scenes are some of the worst. They’re super dragged out as well with everyone hopping around and feeling the vibes. They don’t add anything to the film and instead subtract from it. So really you are always looking forward to the few police/Justin scenes but every time Blacula or the Voodoo stuff is on screen the film falls down quickly. We also get a random animal violence when a bird is destroyed. The film needs to do better!

Overall, If you really enjoy seeing the blood sucking scenes from a vampire film then this is your title. I still can’t think of any title that dragged them out nearly this much. However, there is no other reason to watch this film and waste your time. Blacula is not a series that will go down in history as being anything decent. It was really a full on gimmick from start to finish and one that didn’t find its footing. You could have had some interesting social themes here or given Blacula a real personality beyond just draining people. At times it felt like the film was going to perhaps go down that route and then he just starts murdering everyone again. So the film couldn’t resist going back to its roots of shock value. If we ever get a modern reboot, maybe it could change things.

Overall 1/10

Shakma Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

All right it’s time for a pretty spooooky film. I mean it is basically a horror and the enemy is like a creature so I’d say it fits the bill. The movie is definitely an intense one but suffers from all of the usual issues like animal violence and over the top violence in general. This film will have you wincing almost constantly which as you can imagine, can make it hard for the film itself to succeed.

The film starts off with a bunch of doctors/assistants gearing up for their next big game. They run a sort of dungeons and dragons type game in the hospital. After hours they set up all of the rooms and lock down each of the floors. The professor has a virtual system to keep track of everything and coordinates the efforts as the Gamemaster. The first person to get enough clues and free the princess wins. They’ve been doing this for a long time with no problems but one of the girls accidentally mentions the game in front of one of the new hires. Now he wants to play too but the guy’s not very serious and could hold them back. So the characters decide to give him the role of monster to scare people and afterwards he finds out that he’s missing out on a date by being here. So he intends to sabotage the game so that it goes very quickly but what none of them realize is that a dangerous monster is already on the loose, Shakma! Shakma is aiming to destroy all of them as soon as possible so he must not be underestimated.

So Shakma is a baboon and not the most intimidating one on sight. He is fierce and aggressive but you’re jus wondering what would make him scary. Do you really fear such an opponent as this guy? He tends to murder everyone with a quick bite as the first blow and then once the opponent is on the ground it’s over. It’s technically a pretty impressive combo starter because if he bites the right place then it’s all over. There’s really nothing for the opponent to do. So I sort of get that and acknowledge that he fights smart but I still wouldn’t call him very scary. The concept of the Shakma is scarier like when you see him from a distance or on the poster. You absolutely get it but in practice…eh I don’t think he is ready for the big leagues.

Unfortunately most of the characters are super annoying. These are the kinds of people who will just sit back and watch as someone is being torn apart in front of them. I get panicking and everything like when the chips are down but this is just too much. You need to have some characters to root for and this makes them very unlikable. Take the guy who was trying to sabotage the whole game over a date. It’s an awful look because he asked to be a part of the game early on. Yes, he started to have second thoughts about this but he didn’t voice them soooo…I can’t feel all that bad for him. He just needed to do his best and actually participate.

The professor was the most likable character by far. He had a lot of patience and was doing his best to make the game a success. I imagine that it takes a lot of work to set up the whole program each time. So he gets a whole lot of credit there. You were rooting for him to be the one to defeat Shakma. Meanwhile the rest of the students would just keep on splitting up over and over again. Even right up to the end the final 2 survivors decide to split up again. Are you serious?

I dare say that they make the average horror movie characters look smart in comparison. These guys are making so many mistakes that you start to have trouble keeping track of them all. They just keep on coming one after the other. A lot of times the excuse is that they want to look for one of the other teens who got bumped off since they don’t know that he was bumped off yet. The problem with this is after a point you at least need to let the cops know first. The worst part of the film’s logic here is the phones.

Each time they think about calling the cops, they decide to do something first. No, call the cops first and then keep looking around if you want. Every room should have a phone in the hospital or at least most of them. Where were all of the phones when they were needed?? It doesn’t make any sense at all. I felt like I was just watching madness here after a while. The setting of this film taking place in a hospital makes it so that none of this makes sense.

In fact, what about security in general? Sure this is after hours so the staff aren’t around but you mean to tell me that none of the guards were patrolling these floors during the game? Yeah I have more and more doubts as the film goes on. This just doesn’t mesh with logic. The film was doomed already with all the shock value though. I don’t really see the point of the surgery scene from the intro either. We know they work in a hospital so stuff like that happens, why do we gotta see it? Feels like it was just there as a cheap thrill which is no good.

Overall, Shakma is a classic creature feature film to an extent but all the violence is dialed up to 11. It definitely feels like one of the more violent titles that I’ve seen in a minute. In a way it’s probably because of how drawn out each of the murders are. They just keep on going and going. Then of course you have the live surgeries and everything. Nah this film was definitely not for me and loses out to most of the other creature films. This one did surprise me with how the story ends but that’s more of a thumbs up for me and not something I’d raise the score over. It just showed that the film wasn’t afraid to be rather bold and take things in a different direction.

Overall 1/10

Rambo Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version of the movie would be more negative.

Lets look at the 4th Rambo which just so happens to be the weakest one in the series so far. It’s definitely going for a dark angle right from the jump and that aspect of the film is quite unrelenting. It takes a long while until Rambo himself gets involved to fight back and it’s one of those films where even once the heroes win, there are a ton of casualties and you know there are other villains running around. There’s nothing particularly light hearted/happy about this movie which is rough.

The movie starts with a quick introduction to remind us just how evil the villains are. No worries they’re going to do this a whole lot as the film goes over but it’s definitely an awful way to kick the movie off in general. Instead of building up hype or getting you excited it is giving you reasons to want to avoid the film. Like why would I want to be seeing any of this? Well, we eventually cut to Rambo himself who now works by capturing snakes and putting them in the cages to get ready for animal cruelty fights. He is approached by a group of missionaries who want to head deep into enemy territory to spread the good word.

It’s a noble goal but unfortunately these characters are incredibly naive. The main pastor even believes that you cannot take a life even in self defense so when they are attacked by pirates he doesn’t do anything about it. He even threatens to get Rambo in trouble if he can. Needless to say, after Rambo drops them off at their designated location they are captured almost immediately. So much for that eh? Of course you feel bad for them, they’re just written to be such unlikable characters the whole time that it’s crazy. So the Church hires some vigilantes to go save them and Rambo decides to come along and do what he can. Are the missionaries even still alive by this point?

Well, only the power of plot armor is able to help them here because by all accounts they really should have been long dead. I’m not sure why the villains spared them for so long. They’re stuck in cages but mostly everyone else had already been murdered. I suppose they had the luck of the draw on that one. Not much of a consolation because their living conditions still sucked but at least they were able to last. Nobody else is so lucky so even while the heroes are heading over there to free them, we see countless people getting tortured and murdered. The film is going for maximum shock value the whole time so if you can picture a dark plot element then you are going to find it in the film.

Naturally all of the vigilantes tend to be rather crass and not very heroic at all. They are here for the paycheck and are happy to murder anybody but they don’t have any real kind of honor code. Rambo has to actively threaten the main one in order to keep him going or the guy would have left almost immediately. Rambo himself looks good at least. He does smash up a ton of the villains and shows why he is still one of the strongest agents around. He hasn’t forgotten his skills at all, that’s for sure. He’s on a completely different level even from the trained mercenaries.

The action scenes can be good when they aren’t being too try hard on the violence. When they do that is when they really start to lose the plot. Lets just say this is a regular occurrence in this film as well. The film is plenty violent the whole time even with the TV edits. So again the film is just trying too hard instead of letting the narrative talk for it. The problem there is that the actual plot isn’t very good either. Of course I have a lot of respect for people who go into these active war areas to spread the gospel and try to help out. It does feel like they’re creating more chances to become a hostage or get into trouble but if they can save anyone then it’s a win.

It doesn’t make for a great movie though. Even if you think of this like a power fantasy, the problem is that the first half is all about the villains dominating and having their way with the heroes. In no way is this a particularly captivating story and you want a film that’s fairly uplifting. Seeing Rambo beat up on the villains is the goal so you need to do that sooner. Focus more on the heroic comeback than on the villain slaughter to start things off. As a starting point you at least need to get rid of the opening montage showing off all of the villainous exploits.

Honestly the film has so may issues that it would still have gotten a fairly low score though. The Rambo series is just cooked at this point and it will be hard for it to make a true comeback. We unfortunately didn’t have the usual hype man for Rambo either. There are reasons for that but they should have invented a new character to take up the role. It may be a little cheesy but I always thought it was pretty fun and it made the films more memorable. Perhaps that aided in making this the worst Rambo title. There is still another one I haven’t watched so perhaps that will be even lower but we will have to see.

Overall, Rambo is a pretty awful film. It’s definitely over the top violent the whole time with a ton of dark themes and the film doesn’t allow itself to really have any fun moments. It’s a slog to get through and you can see why Rambo didn’t even want to get involved at this point. The amount of casualties and criminals appear to be endless so why even get involved in all of that if you don’t have to right? You absolutely get what he is feeling in all of this. So you should just skip this movie as well. It’s rather unnecessary and doesn’t really add anything to the series.

Overall 1/10