Category Archives: 1 Star Movies

Prom Night (2008) Review

Posted on by
Reply


Why’s this poster so awful?? Seriously you can’t tell anything about the film from this and if anything it just makes you want to stay away. Trust me this is not the way to advertise any kind of film. Regardless this is a really bad title though so you will want to stay away. It ends up being a painful experience from start to finish with no real smart characters.

The movie starts off with Donna watching her family get murdered by a psychopath named Richard. We jump to the future where she is now being taken care of by her uncle and aunt. She is still rather traumatized but wants to at least try and enjoy her prom. It should be the perfect day and so she heads out to be with her friends. Unfortunately though Richard has escaped from prison and because everyone is incompetent in this film it took 3 days for the cops to be notified. They let the guardians know but instead of taking Donna out….they decide to let the prom continue since it would be too traumatic to cancel. Okay……how many victims will it take this time before Richard is stopped?

There are so many issues with this film but I think it’s safe to say that the biggest issue you will run into right away is just how depressing and mean spirited the film is. A high body count is to be expected but so many people keep dying and nobody is safe. A lot of these characters had nothing to do with the story and they’re still getting bumped off. Sure that’s technically true for a lot of slashers like this but I think part of the problem with having this take place in the school is you’re basically having a bunch of kids get murdered the whole time. We had an elementary school kid get bumped off in the intro even which is taking things a step farther.

Allowing the prom to continue is also complete insanity. Winn has a moment where he mentions that they don’t see any reason why Richard would come here. Really? They see no reason why the crazy psychopath who made it explicitly clear that he would do whatever it took to go back to Donna would try to attack her now that he’s broken out? That had to be one of the silliest lines in the film without a doubt. I could barely believe what I was hearing. Come on………come onnnnnnnnnnn.

Okay so the prom’s going to continue, but you’re going to let the hotel staff know that there’s a crazy guy on the lookout right? No, the hotel concierge asks the police officer if they should be afraid and he just says “Nah, probably nothing to worry about” and leaves. The hotel staff don’t know anything is wrong until near the end of the film so of course they start to get picked off too. I’d be fuming if I was the sole survivor from the hotel staff because that makes no sense.

Then of course Winn isn’t able to get the villain at the hotel so he tells the two police officers to keep a lookout at the house. Naturally both have to be completely isolated so taking them down is child’s play. Why even stay at the house? The first order of business should have been to take the characters over to the police station. Keeping them in the house that Richard knows the address of is crazy. Even worse is that Donna is kept to her room…where she is right next to a window. You can’t make this stuff up.

Now granted, Richard still shouldn’t have gotten as far as he does but apparently he is so skilled that he can take out virtually every opponent without making a sound. The house is also sound proof I guess because even with the door open and Donna screaming, the parents and Winn can’t hear her while not being all that far away? The amount of plot holes and stretches of imagination here are really pretty insane.

Going back to the tragic part though, it just feels like the film should have let more of the characters get a happy ending. Pretty much everyone was destroyed and the sole survivors are going to have a complex for the rest of their life. It doesn’t stop the film from having a fairly upbeat song for the credits but there’s nothing happy about the ending. There’s nothing really happy about the film in general which is something I have an issue with. A slasher film will rarely be happy of course but the tonal contrast here was a bit much. The film would try to be really happy at times and it didn’t work because obviously you can’t feel that good when everyone’s getting destroyed.

The film’s not as bloody as you would expect but it still tries to be as violent as possible within the confines of not being an R rated horror flick. Characters get stabbed tons of times and the deaths are all rather grisly. Nobody seems able to put up even the slightest amount of a fight against this guy and the whole film feels futile for the heroes. Every scene has so much build up that you see the deaths coming several minutes in advance which is annoying. There are a ton of fake jump scares but they’re always before the real death to the point where you can pretty much set your watch to them.

At one point Dillon even has a dream of the future about what’s about to happen and….she decides to do everything that she did in the dream anyway. A bit of an odd choice if you ask me, wouldn’t you want to not do what you did in the dream even if it wasn’t real? I just don’t see why you would actually try to copy your answers there. Seems like a recipe for disaster by any metric. It’s why hiding under the bed wouldn’t be a good idea since that worked last time so don’t do the same thing twice. It was also rough that she didn’t step in to save her mother. Obviously that’s easier said than done and in the moment it’s hard to make that decision but it’s yet another brutal scene. The cast of characters are all pretty forgettable and the romances are all paper thin. There’s just nothing of substance in this title. The film almost should have just played this off as part parody with the heroes deciding to have the prom party instead of cancelling it.

I keep going back to that because the whole scenario is absolutely crazy. Nothing makes sense in this film, people don’t act the way they should with a mass murderer on the loose with an obvious place of attack. At least in most films the characters reasonably don’t know where the villain will be but this time they actually do know. A whole lot of lives could have been saved if Winn did the responsible thing instead of waiting to see this all play out.

Overall, Prom Night is a film that you should absolutely avoid. There are no redeeming qualities to be found in this film. It starts off rather brutally and ends on that same note. There are no scenes that are actually all that happy because they are happening in the context of ugly things about to happen to the cast. There was basically no escape for them and any victory is a rather hollow one. The slasher genre tends to be doomed right from the jump and this film doesn’t do anything to convince you otherwise. It’s very by the numbers and for a genre like this that’s about as bad as it gets.

Overall 1/10

Event Horizon Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Event Horizon is one of those films that reminds me why I’d never want to be stuck anywhere in outer space or underwater. At the end of the day you’re stuck with a bunch of people that could go crazy at any point. Sure you might know them to an extent but being on your own for a long amount of time can change everything. This film slowly has the cast cracking and the whole time you’re shaking your head. They lack the willpower to succeed!

The movie starts with a crew being formed to try and find a spaceship that went missing many years ago. The crew isn’t thrilled about this since they were on vacation but hey a mission’s a mission right? Well Dr. Weir will be coming with them to explain the specifics since this mission is very different from most. Of course that’s another reason for the crew to dislike the mission since they aren’t finding out the truth until they’re stuck in space. Basically they have to use some super experimental technology to jump through a wormhole into another dimension to grab the ship and then head back. Sure it didn’t work for the first ship but the tech is better now! Well they do the jump and make it to the other ship but now their ship is busted. The heroes are ready to make the repairs but weird things start happening. The crew see visions and are slowly going crazy. Will they ever be able to go home?

So this film’s mostly pretty bad but I can say it wasn’t all bad. I really liked the music. Seriously it was pretty great, felt like I was entering some kind of big action movie. Mix that in with the sci-fi effects and yeah this definitely seemed like a winner. That being said, It’s one of the only positives I can really say about the film. The rest of it tends to go for a lot of shock value and just doesn’t seem like a good idea when you’re trying to be a good film. The characters make a bunch of awful decisions and while you can blame some of it on “the darkness” it doesn’t help them.

Okay so lets start with Dr. Weir. At first he seems fairly reasonable. He wants to complete this mission and is taking it super seriously. He doesn’t get into space as much as the crew so he doesn’t really comprehend the dangers but he did build this experimental sci-fi tech so if anyone knows how to pull this off then it should be him. Unfortunately he has significant skeletons in the closet which start to break him. The ship shows everyone illusions and so of course his are easy to pull out from the past. It’s a rather brutal one and the whole build up to the tragedy is rough.

The film loves its special effects to make the characters as ugly as possible. Lets just say there is a ton of violence in this film. I would easily put it on the high end for a horror film. Not just because of what happens in the present like multiple characters getting impaled, disfigured, and blown up in the vacuum of space but also in the quick flashes the characters get when the ship is messing with their minds. It’s typically all happening so fast that you can barely even tell what is happening, only that there’s something bloody and disturbing on the screen.

Still even with the visions it’s hard to feel any sympathy for Weir. The guy is really responsible for this mission in the first place so he needed to hold it together. By the end he is a complete pawn who wouldn’t even be all right if his plan succeeds which hurts quite a lot. As a villain if you don’t really have a grand master plan or anything like that then you are basically just spinning your wheels. You’re not actually doing anything and at that point you’re just a psycho.

Starck serves as the main heroine here and does her best. She is able to resist the illusions better than most of the characters and has to put up with everyone being really slow on the uptake. The most annoying moment for her had to be when the captain told her to find an explanation on what was going on. She did find the reason (evil spirits) but he didn’t believe her. It’s a shame because by this point in the film you’d think that would be a very credible option. Seriously you had everyone seeing crazy illusions, things not working as they should and a mysterious reactor turning on when that’s supposed to be impossible? You’d think the captain would hear her out at least.

Miller is the captain and for the most part he looks good. While he didn’t believe Starck, at least he did spend most of his screen time trying to keep the crew from murdering each other. He had a tight grasp of what it means to be a leader and was always making the hard calls. I would say he was the most reasonable member of the team and was also able to realize that the spirit was manipulating him with the past later on. He has a big scene in the end as well. The guy was definitely real determined.

Throughout the movie you’ve really got a big survival thriller feel going on. In general that should be solid as the characters try to live but with the evil spirit using the powers of memories and illusions it’s just not thrilling. You already know the characters will fall for this and that there isn’t much they can do about it. That’s the most annoying part about all of this. For example one character sees her son running around the spaceship. Obviously there is no way he can be here and yet she falls for it anyway.

It’s up to you to determine to just what extent the spirit has full mental control over the characters but evidently it is a massive amount. The characters seem to be completely unable to resist its control at times and other times they at least know that something iffy is going on. I think if you cut out all of the random violence then you may have something here. Perhaps it will be less “exciting” in terms of action but I think the movie would be able to hold its own. The way it is there just isn’t anything to like about it once the spirit starts to make its presence felt. Seeing the characters start to get corrupted one after another is supremely annoying.

As you’d expect the ending does have a bit of a horror zinger to end things off with but it’s a bi more passive than you’d expect. I actually think the movie could have been a whole lot bolder here. The ending is definitely throwing some strong implications at you and of course I’m on the side that everyone’s doomed but you can always look at the ending in a different way. It’s certainly open for interpretation.

Overall, Event Horizon really went off the deep end. The initial scenes are decent, I would say it started out well. It all just goes downhill once the evil spirit starts to consume everyone and trick them into being destroyed. The film starts to feel aimless as it’s just about everyone dying in gruesome ways. Additionally there seems to be no real way to escape the evil influence or to fight back against it so everything seems futile. The idea of being alone in space with something after you is absolutely solid but they should go with a more tangible threat next time. Something like….an alien!

Overall 1/10

Blade Runner 2049 Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Uh oh, Blade Runner’s back! This series has to be one of the biggest missed opportunities in all of cinema. How do you mess up a future setting filled with androids that look like humans and corporate finally taking over the world? Well you do it by not exploring any of the fun aspects of this and instead dragging out every scene as long as possible. There are so many scenes that are just quiet as we get a lingering shot of the sky or the city. I know they want to show off the special effects but the plot grinds to a standstill way too often.

The story starts off decently enough as we see K enter a guy’s home and murder him. He’s basically an enforcer for corporate whose mission is to destroy old replicant versions. The ones that can no longer be trusted and are out of date. He’s very good at his job, in fact many would say that he is the best. The guy doesn’t fail and he never lets his emotions get the better of him. That being said, this next mission is a little different. He is tasked with murdering a replicant that was born from another which should be impossible since they aren’t fully human. Additionally K has mixed feelings about this because that could imply that this person has a soul. Can he go through with this mission or is it time to resist against the system?

Since there are more negatives than positives let me go through the good first. One of the villains is an android named Luv who actually makes for a very imposing villain. She’s a strong fighter and is quite ruthless. Her emotionless demeanor holds for most of the film although she does not like to have competition so she has a personal vendetta against K which appears later on. She gets sloppy towards the end but was otherwise a very intense killing machine that fits in with this Terminator kind of future.

In general the fights could also be good. At times not as good as possible when it just resorts to who can hold a choke hold the longest, but when there’s an actual fight then it can be enjoyable. For example there’s one scene where K’s ship is downed by a group of rebels and instead of meekly falling to the ground like most protagonists he just breaks the first guy and starts shooting. As I always say, if you’re likely going to be murdered anyway, at least go down with a fight!

The other positive I can say is there are some nice visuals here. The shots of the city actually do look nice and you could appreciate them more if they weren’t so dragged out. Likewise there are some good bits of dialogue and the idea of deciding what line you won’t cross as a contracted killer is always an interesting one. More so when you aren’t even sure if you can truly defy your programming.

The main problem with the film is in the execution. I’ve already talked about how everything is super dragged out and I’d say it’s because this movie has enough plot to probably fill 30 minutes easily and then you have a lot of fluff here. I believe the reason is that the film was trying to pack in a lot of lore and world building so you can understand what kind of world this is but that’s just not needed. You already understand it pretty well from the opening scene as well as the intro explaining what is happening.

Blade Runner also relies quite a bit on fanservice throughout the film in the most random of scenes. We see the process of creating an android which is shown in the most disturbing way possible while still keeping in fanservice. It’s to show you that Wallace is completely insane and one of those guys who lost all of his morality a long time ago. We could have basically guessed that though without that super long scene. Seriously that scene was really long and you can just tell us he’s evil without having such a long moment about it. This came in fairly early into the film to really make sure things didn’t get off on the right foot.

I would have probably just cut him out of the film entirely to be honest. You don’t need a specific main villain for this kind of film. A board of directors or something would work just as well and they still send Luv out to take K down once and for all before finishing the mission. They’re looking at this as cold hard calculated facts so you don’t even need an over the top evil villain at all. If anything it oversimplifies things by giving you a concrete main villain instead of reminding you that the whole society is crazy by this point.

Then you have the romance of sorts with K and the holographic figure known as Joi. Now how much you buy into this romance will depend on just how real you think Joi is. It’s established that even this deep into the future the robots don’t have souls yet which is why the situation of an android kid is such a big deal. At the same time, is he really hurting anyone by falling in love with a program? Even in real life you’re seeing that and well..it’s definitely something. I don’t think the plotline itself is awful but the romance is very cringe and drawn out the whole time.

I could definitely do without all those scenes. If you’re going to go through with the A.I. fantasy then I think giving her more of a solid personality beyond just being his love interest would certainly help. She literally does feel like she was just created to suit his needs which is basically what happened so without more depth then that’s it. She does obviously care about him and wants to help but it’s all programming.

This doesn’t do K any favors either since it makes him look really desperate. He was also a full villain for most of the film as he carries out his orders without thinking about the morality of it. You can understand this based on his origin but the whole time you’re still waiting for him to turn good and it sure takes a while. The only character who acts like a hero from the jump is Deckard and it takes him way longer to appear than I thought. He was a fairly big deal in the promotions and everything since people were looking forward to seeing him. I think he would have personally worked a lot better in this film as the lead compared to K. K’s great for the fight scenes but it’s not like he’s a great character either.

If the film could focus more instead of going for all the shock value then I think you could have a lot of promise here. The film just gets really gritty at times like with Wallace’s first scene and then it drags on a lot during others. So what you have here is a lot of time not really spent on advancing the story. If you want to make this a slow boil event then you need to really focus on the philosophical aspect more like K wondering if he’s a real person or not. Having to wonder if you’re an organic life form or fully robotic is an interesting angle and of course the whole conversation about having a soul.

These plots are all handled better in other mediums though. Also, as was one of my complaints in the first film, the movie doesn’t make the most of the Sci-Fi backdrop. Sure we do get more this time like flying cars and sci-fi projectors but a good portion of the film takes place in old locations like a small hotel, inside the compound, or abandoned forest areas. The main guy has a basic gun and a flying car but we’re still not seeing as much as you would expect from 2049. In movie-land I should say. In the real world I don’t think things are going to particularly look all that different 20 years from now.

Overall, Blade Runner 2049 serves as a warning bell for when robots take over the Earth and wipe us out. That said, you can see this message much more effectively by watching the Terminator films or the CGI Blame! film. Those titles are way more direct about it and also balance the action and warning tones a lot better. This one’s just way too drawn out to have an effective message and is focused on the wrong things. I couldn’t possibly imagine re watching this one and the negative moments severely overpower the positive stuff. That’s really the movie’s biggest problem. Perhaps the third film can change things but I have my doubts.

Overall 1/10

Prophecy Review

Posted on by
Reply


When you have a film about mutated animals running around often times it isn’t going to end well for the movie. This one was no exception as you’ll be shaking your head the whole time with the animal violence. The idea of the characters wandering into an area with a lot of radiation and creatures running around could be something more like Godzilla but that wasn’t the case here.

The movie starts off with Robert being asked to go look into a fight between some Native Americans and a lumber company. Robert asks why he would possibly be asked to do this and he’s basically just told to stop asking questions. Well, if he’s going to do this job then he’ll do it right and since he works for the EPA he looks into the radiation. Unfortunately this area is ignoring all environmental standards and toxic sludge is being tossed around. This sludge not only causes birth defects but seems to be triggering some kind of changes within the lifeforms around here. What can Robert do about this?

For the drama angle we have his wife Maggie who is pregnant with their future child and of course this is bad news for her. Any kind of birth complication would be particularly worrisome. Then there’s also the fact that Robert really doesn’t want kids. I forget if Maggie just forgot to use protection that time or if she just really wanted the kids, or if the film even addressed that. Either way she isn’t quite sure how to mention this to him so that causes a lot of tension.

Now if you are with someone who expressly says that they don’t want kids before you get married then you already know the score and shouldn’t try to mess with that. If it’s an accident then of course there’s nothing you can do about it so the context is important for this angle. Either way I wouldn’t say it adds a lot to the film since we’re here for the action, not for this romance plot which is definitely not the highlight anyway. Neither character ends up looking all that good by the end of that plot.

Maggie’s a bit too timid in bringing the topic up before it’s far too late. Once she was hearing about the sludge she should have let him know. Meanwhile Robert was so absorbed in what was going on that he didn’t pay her much attention at all. He at least tries to diffuse tensions within the camp but rarely does all that good a job of it. This guy’s a researcher, not a fighter so don’t expect him to get a ton of fight scenes.

Isely represents the company in this movie so naturally he is fairly corrupt and can’t really be reasoned with. When John and the tribe try to stop him from going further he nearly murders one of them. Of course he had to go through for his job and could have definitely knocked them around a bit but of course murdering them is never the answer. John is the leader of the tribe or at least the main acting member and he tries hard to protect the tribe’s interests but the plans aren’t always very well thought out. Standing in front of the jeep with the rest of the characters would just make it easy to be run over. Ultimately corporate would do that in order to save a few bucks.

Of course at the end of the day the movie is fairly standard in a lot of ways so it would have been fine without the animal angle. What really sinks it is what happens at that point. You have animals getting poisoned and dying out, being eaten, and then of course the final bear monster which looks incredibly deformed. It seems to be in pain just by existing. While the film’s about the Katahdin monster, it’s safe to say that this was still just an average bear. Even if it was film budget limitations that insisted on this, it doesn’t change that it wasn’t the big hyped hybrid.

Having a bear as the final boss is regrettable because of course that means the characters have to be attacking it even when it’s just trying to save its cub and take down the pesky humans. This is a problem all films involving antagonist animals have to deal with and it doesn’t leave the movie a lot of hope for making a comeback. Animal violence basically becomes unavoidable at that point.

It’s not like the film has any aspect that really sticks out to try and combat this either. It’s really a very standard film all things considered. There’s also one scene that will have you puzzled where John stays in the water for a very long time as the bear approaches. You fully expect it to pop out of the water and grab the guy but surprisingly in the 11th hour he manages to get up and run away. A bit of a pointless scene then right? Why was he even staying in the water? You can’t tell me he was so exhausted that he couldn’t move because adrenaline should take care of that real quick.

Overall, Prophecy is a title that probably won’t make you think about evil animals right away. Of course that is a bit misleading since it’s all the pollution’s fault. Not like the animals wanted to turn giant or deformed. That said, the movie ended up being pretty bad due in large parts to the very realistic effects for the deformed animals and the plot in general. It could be hard to look at the bear or the other animals directly in general. Throw in the romance plot that really didn’t add anything at all and this film was sliding downhill the whole time. I highly recommend avoiding this one and in general you will want to avoid films with an animal at the end like this. Trust me they aren’t going to stand out.

Overall 1/10

Ghoulies II Review

Posted on by
Reply


Ghoulies may have been a dreadfully awful film but would the sequel be able to save the franchise? Unfortunately I can confirm that it did not. It does defeat the first film but it’s a marginal victory at best because these two are still on the same level. It may be taking on a different approach than the first Ghoulies but I wouldn’t really say that it learned any lessons. The only impressive part about this movie is how it’s not rated R since it felt extremely violent but I suppose it’s because most of the more painful deaths are heard/implied but not really seen. It’s clever directing but not going to save this one.

The movie focuses around an attraction at a local circus about scaring people. I forget the term for the scarehouse but basically you go in to get spooked by people in costumes and scary images. Unfortunately it’s not doing so well and corporate has decided to shut the place down. They have one last weekend to get their sales up but the main characters aren’t so confident. The only 3 employees is a teen who’s in over his head, a short guy who has trouble being convincingly scary, and an old man who is constantly drunk. Yeah this may be the end of the line but at least they can escape with their lives right?

So where do the Ghoulies come in? Well they get summoned by the old man because that’s how this works now and they decide to start bumping people off left and right. Now again you have to consider that this is part comedy to explain why the film goes the way that it does. It’s heavily being inspired by the Gremlins so the characters are being a little extra quirky and manic the whole time. They have a lot more personality than last time at least but I still couldn’t say that they ever got all that interesting either way. At the end of the day they’re still just sinister monsters without much reason and purpose.

It can be rather frustrating when you see them murdering everyone and the audience is just cheering as they watch what they think is a show. Of course it should be obvious but hey these are not the brightest bulbs in the bunch. Not by a longshot unfortunately. The Ghoulies also don’t seem all that powerful so you constantly wonder how they are doing so well. This movie does establish that they are super durable. Acid, stabbings, and bullets are not enough to put them down. They seem functionally immortal as every injury promptly heals itself. So that definitely puts the characters in a bit of a bind. If they would use basic teamwork or stop taking their eyes off of the creatures this would be easy but unfortunately that never happens.

I’ve always said that small creatures are more terrifying than huge ones and I think this movie supports the point well. Put it this way, if you’re faced off with a massive monster then you’re probably dying instantly when it steps on you or fires off a massive energy blast. With a small creature it’s death by a million cuts, bites, etc. It’s the worst way to go. They chose the most disturbing death in the film for the corporate guy and you can’t help but feel bad for him. He certainly wasn’t a nice guy by any means but you hate to see anyone go out like that.

Many characters are destroyed in this one as the Ghoulies really take names and add onto their body count. It’s impressive on one hand but the film quickly loses focus of anything else. It’s not devoid of plot like the first film though. At least we do have the drama with the circus and a number f real characters. There is some drama with the main heroine getting ready to leave the circus and so you actually remember things about this movie aside from the ghoulies. Ultimately it just isn’t enough to save the film.

Even if you put aside all of the excessive violence here, there aren’t any real strengths that would make you watch the film. The old man getting massively drunk on the day when he knew his friends were counting on him was awful. Seriously you can’t let people down like that and it put him in a very poor position to fight back. Then the film can feel a bit mean spirited with a lot of random teenagers getting murdered who didn’t do anything to deserve it. At least let them go out quickly as opposed to all the creative way the Ghoulies get them. An instant death would definitely have been way preferable.

There is a bit of a romance plot here but it doesn’t really serve any point in the film. The film really should have spent more time giving the characters development so you can root for them to fight the Ghoulies. For example one scene that was actually decent was when the main guy calls all of his friends from the circus over to help and they actually do. They all drop everything to help out and it was nice to see that they all had each other’s back. That’s what you would like to see in this kind of situation and it’s annoying that the fight was still really close.

Again, the Ghoulies are super durable and can keep on regenerating but in terms of strength they shouldn’t be that bad. Just keep your eye on the monsters and you should be fine. We do briefly get an even bigger Ghoulie later on which was interesting but you don’t want to leave your hopes in the hands of a monster like that. When you have guns and the numbers advantage this shouldn’t be so crazy. If the Ghoulies could talk then at least it would be interesting to hear what their plan for the world is beyond total chaos.

Overall, Ghoulies II is really more of the same as the first one. This one is definitely better to be sure but not enough so to earn it any extra stars. I wouldn’t say there is any true reason to check this one out. You’re just watching the Ghoulies murder everyone in gruesome ways and that is absolutely not enough to constitute a real plot. Throw in some better characters as well as some restraint and then we can talk. In the meantime I don’t have much hopes for the next two Ghoulies films to be honest. Maybe they can be decent but I definitely have massive doubts.

Overall 1/10

Ghoulies Review

Posted on by
2


The Ghoulies is one of those films that really doesn’t seem super sure on exactly what it wants to do. One one hand it’s usually a very disturbing horror type film with a lot of crazy visuals and goes fairly high up on the violence chart. On the other hand you have many scenes with comedy music playing and so you’re wondering just how seriously you’re supposed to take all of this. It’s certainly a tricky call but in the end all I can say is that it wasn’t able to pull this off.

The movie starts with a cult trying to sacrifice a baby but the baby’s mother is able to put a talisman around him for protection just in time. She’s destroyed but the baby is allowed to leave. Years later Jonathan has grown up to be a rather ordinary person and he ended up inheriting a rather spooky house. That’s his queue to invite all his friends over while he and Rebecca figure they will have the time of their lives. It all goes sideways rather quickly though as Jonathan wants to do a summoning and then monsters start to murder everyone. Is there any way out of here?

In a way the film is trying to emulate the success of the Gremlins but it is failing spectacularly. I wasn’t a particularly big fan of the Gremlins myself but you could tell that it tried more. The humor landed a lot more naturally and the main cast was better. A big issue here is that Jonathan isn’t likable at all even before he gets controlled. He’s really insistent on all of the characters performing the summoning to the point where he starts to get really upset about the whole thing. You could say that the atmosphere was already starting to control him but I think the guy just wasn’t very well balanced from the start.

As the film goes on he keeps on making more and more mistakes which endanger everyone around him. There’s no point where we get to see him just being a nice guy and that’s something that really hurts him. It’s not like the other characters were much better though. The teens were busy getting drunk and messing around the whole time. None of them thought that this whole party was a bad idea and none of them seemed to have any restraint. They’d all be considered as bad influences out in the world and you wouldn’t want to be in this friend group.

Whenever I see all the memes about how the characters really put themselves into these dangerous situations in horror films like wanting to use a spirit board or driving into a seedy hotel it does make you wince. This one’s the same thing with the whole summoning. Even if you thought it was all a joke, why even go through with it? What’s the upside? Are you so bored that doing this is the best form of entertainment you can think of? Because if it’s the latter then that’s really bad. You have the whole place to yourself and all your friends so entertainment should really be just about unlimited.

As mentioned the film could also be surprisingly violent at times. Characters are often wounded in the face/neck and the effects all seem rather practical so you feel the intensity. I was even surprised the film was PG-13 because of how graphic it could get. Maybe it’s just the way the bites went since it looked painful but technically wasn’t as explicit as it could have been. That’s certainly a possibility at least but eh they definitely should have toned that down somewhat.

The movie also started on a low note with the cult trying to sacrifice the baby. At least it didn’t actually happen unlike another movie but the fact that the mom ended up getting sacrificed and nobody did anything about it was rough. Of course it’s a cult so likely everyone there was basically evil but it’s still annoying regardless. It’s also one of those things where the villains have so many powers and the heroes can’t do anything about it so it isn’t even compelling. With a stronger hero cast perhaps there’s something you could do but that wasn’t the case here.

The story also ends early on as it’s just the characters messing around and getting folded by the enemies everywhere. The main villain Malcolm is one of the most generic evil masterminds you’ll ever see. I guess the guy just wants destruction but there’s nothing about him that stands out. If he wasn’t so powerful then he would be doomed. He’s not too smart with how roundabout his plan was and he fumbles the ball constantly. With his abilities he should never lose so that means he has to make odd choices in order to give the heroes a shot. Again, that’s not a high value villain.

If I’d give the film credit for anything, I’ll say that the creature designs weren’t half bad. They’re not amazing or anything but the small green monsters were a little intimidating. In particular there is one scene where they jump out of one of those small wooden jesters that was intense. Still not enough to outweigh all the negatives of the film but hey it’s a start right? Now just take away the fanservice, the awful romance, the terrible characters, the bad plot, etc and then you can start a real conversation about this one.

Overall, Ghoulies is a film I absolutely recommend skipping. There is nothing much of value to be found here and it’s really just an excuse to see monsters eating everyone. The plot was probably just written around that concept instead of being planned out first. It’s just one of those films with the characters messing around with satanic elements and quickly finding out that this was a bad idea. Should have been obvious but that’s how it goes. At least we did get a half hearted ending cliffhanger which the film still can’t decide if it’s trying to be funny or not. I figure at this point the enemies are on their side so it’s more of a happy ending than anything but at the same time could you ever really trust them? I’d be very hard pressed to trust any creature that just tried to murder me.

Overall 1/10

Nothing in Common Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for one of those films that will have you knocked out in no time. There just isn’t much good to say about this film while there are certainly a lot of negatives to give it. The romance is everything you don’t want in a film, the drama makes all of the characters look bad by the end and so the ending isn’t particularly satisfying either. Yeah this is definitely one that you’re going to want to skip and fast!

The movie starts off with introducing us to David who has been moving through relationships like butter. He can just never stick with just one person for long and keeps on moving. Well now his parents are having issues as well and ended up splitting up. His mom wants to go back into the dating scene again while his father’s been fired and is trying to work again. Both of their issues are causing issues for David whose job had been going great but now he’s also being distracted. Can he continue to churn out powerful ads while dealing with all of this or is it all over for him? Only time will tell.

First off the film isn’t really able to make you like David as a character because he’s not the committed type. He ends up falling for the daughter of an executive and they have some flings but then he’s still ready to go back to another girl later when Cheryl leaves. David is someone who just never stays in one place and that’s a trait that’s hard to really change even if he does learn more about family later on. If anything seeing what happened to his parents would probably make it even harder for him to ever sustain a normal relationship.

Then the movie goes so far in making his father Max look bad that there isn’t really any way to recover his character later on. He cheated on his wife pretty much right after they got married and it ended up traumatizing her for life. It’s a really big weight to try and get rid of. Then Max is also irresponsible, doesn’t own up to his mistakes, etc. A character like that never ends up being sympathetic and since the film wastes a lot of screen time trying to do so, it’s just no good.

Meanwhile Lorraine comes across as way too desperate when she’s trying to get back into dating. Lets be realistic here, she’s older now since she was married for many years and it’s also not something you should be jumping right into like that. It’s all just too fast. I was glad that she still ended up leaving to try and reclaim her life on her own but the whole dating plot could have been taken out.

In general I think the saddest part about all of this is that the movie would have been so much more fun if it just focused on David. Just be about him and working on the advertisement business and we skip all of the family drama. I would have enjoyed it a lot more for sure and I think it’s fair to say that around the board it would have been a much better film. I still don’t think it would have been great mind you but at least things were happening in David’s plot that were interesting.

For example, seeing how the commercials was made was fun. We got to see the script phase where you write down what’s going to happen, the initial filming, etc. I rather enjoyed that and think you could easily make a whole film around the concept. I’d watch it at least and while it wouldn’t salvage the lackluster romance, the film would have something more to stand on. Ultimately David’s not a good character and he isn’t portrayed as one but you don’t have to worry about that while you’re watching the film.

The best character is definitely his boss Charley. The guy always had David’s back and was ready to defend him from all who would attack. Even to the end he was able to get David his job back and you know there was probably a lot of backlash for that. The guy’s a true friend who looks out for his people even when corporate tries to get in his way. I don’t think there are a lot of people who would have done that.

In the end I also think the movie is really just lacking a true hook as well. Even aside from the unlikable characters you have to ask yourself what the point of the movie was. David learns a lesson in finding a true romance instead of just playing the field and manages to achieve a proper work life balance but you could have done all of that in a much shorter timeframe. I think the film was trying for a fairly happy tone by the end where the redemption arc really worked and it was all good but to me that didn’t quite succeed either. Eh not every film can be a winner but this one just didn’t really have anything to enjoy about it.

Overall, I really didn’t enjoy this film. The whole backstory of what happened with the parents was a bit too tragic. In any plot like that you at least need to leave enough room for things to go well or to part on amiable terms but this wasn’t it. It would have been a more satisfying film if David just ran off to be honest. The whole thing happened a long time ago of course but since he just found out it would have still been rather fresh. In the end it just feels like a mean spirited title so stay far away!

Overall 1/10

Blacula Review

Posted on by
2


Oof, this film was pretty bad. I’m just going to say it upfront, this one was not a winner by any stretch of the imagination. Initially it started off with a little potential as the main character seems like a reasonable guy. Perhaps he would be an anti-hero of sorts who only feeds on the blood of the wicked. A lot of potential right there but nah it just becomes another B version of the Dracula film which was already quite bad. There isn’t much to redeem about this film to be honest.

The movie starts off with a guy going to Dracula and asking him to stop slavery basically. Dracula laughs and basically confirms that he loves slavery and this whole thing was a trap. The guy tries to fight him off but promptly gets bitten. His wife dies and the guy is left in the tomb. Many years later, he wakes up and is now the vampire known as Blacula!! Surely he will now be going around trying to help people out, destroy any other vampires in existence and keep onto his righteous cause right? Wrong!! He hungers and so he begins to drain everyone as he goes through life. He then finds a girl who looks like his late wife and decides that he wants her. Can the others stop him?

As you can probably guess one of my big issues here is just how Blacula is suddenly super evil. As a normal person he was a good guy trying to do the right thing. Why did he have to suddenly fall to such depths now? It doesn’t make sense and critically assassinates his character. There’s also no reason for this. You could absolutely have him fall in love with this lady and try to win her over without all the threats and bumping everyone off. The main villain here could have just been Dracula who had kept on living throughout all of these years. Boom you’d have a great story right there.

Unfortunately this film could not think things through and just went with this sad approach instead. The movie plays out exactly as you would expect with Blacula picking everyone off. One of the worst instances of this is when he is running through the streets and bumps into a cab. So the driver gets out and she naturally gives him a talking too…and he decides to murder her? Not to mention that he’s hunting around a black neighborhood. You can see the irony here right?? He was fighting to stop slavery, give equal rights to all…and now he’s basically murdering a bunch of the black community.

It undermines his character even more. Now if you said that Dracula injected his personality into Blacula then that could have been something. Honestly it would still have been a very baffling decision but at least it would make sense but the film never even hints at that. At best you can say we do see how he is losing his mind and getting more feral but that’s just standard vampire stuff. There’s still nothing in there that would cause his personality to do a complete 180. This is definitely a very lackluster film I have to say.

Of course it has the usual vampire movie issues as well like all the blood draining and everything. No matter how many times I see it I still find the whole thing a bit revolting. You should do vampire films without the draining. Think about it and you’ll see that I’m right. Have the vampires scare people in a different way and then we’re good. Like seeing Blacula in a dark alley with the cape is already scary so if you know he’s going to murder you then you don’t need the draining.

Okay enough about Blacula. Tina is the main heroine here and she doesn’t look great but you also have to cut her some slack because some of that is the subtle vampire mind control. Also it’s tough because she doesn’t really have an out here. Technically no matter where she goes or what she does there is no way to escape this guy. It’s a rather cruel environment to be in without a way out. Then you have Thomas who mainly leads the search in trying to stop this guy. He’s a reasonable main guy doing his best to help out but there’s nothing about him that particularly stands out. Much like this movie in general…..

Still, he’s good and does get results. The movie’s ending isn’t particularly satisfying but the movie did end which is what I was waiting for. At last the journey was over. There are some silver linings here like the characters but on the whole this film just makes no sense. They seriously need to remake it but with Blacula as an anti-hero. Or if you want him to be a true villain, have Dracula put him into stasis and when he wakes up have him appear in an area where his community is being terrorized or something. So now he wants revenge on the world. That kind of gimmick would go a long way. Just about anything instead of what we got to be honest.

The dark atmosphere worked well and the film had a lot of tension. So capitalize on all of that and maybe, just maybe you will have given the film a fighting chance to do something good. I wouldn’t hold my breath since it would still be a vampire film and would likely have the same issues though. At the end of the day there are very few good vampire films and I don’t see that really changing in the future.

Overall, Blacula is definitely a pretty bad film. In the end the movie did not even use the premise at all. Change Blacula to Dracula and nothing about the film changes. That’s probably the worst part in all of this because then it makes the whole thing pointless. You’ll be shaking your head the whole time and wondering why the movie even exists. If you want to watch a vampire film then watch The Batman vs Dracula instead. Hardly my favorite Batman film out there but it still blows this one away with ease.

Overall 1/10

Kickboxer Review

Posted on by
2

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time to look at a film that by all accounts should have been really good but instead it fumbled throughout the experience until it crashed in the end. It’s a shame because the template for this kind of film isn’t all that hard to follow. Just deliver with some good fight scenes and you will have a fun revenge film that works all around. The title got sequels so I guess enough people liked it, but it was a big thumbs down for me.

The movie starts with Kurt’s brother Eric deciding to take on the Thailand top kickboxing fighter. Eric has always been the world champion but one guy claimed that Thailand had the real strongest. So Eric shows up and unfortunately he is badly beaten by Tong to the point where he is crippled for life. Kurt’s upset since the guy was cheating but there is nothing to be done since this scene is basically an underground arena. Kurt will have to train with the local elder Xian to get strong enough to avenge his brother but Tong has more tricks up his sleeve. Who will come out on top!?

There’s a lot of problems with this very contrived setup. The first one is that Eric basically just heads off to Thailand to have a fight that is borderline unsanctioned at the drop of a hat. Really, all it takes is one guy mentioning that there is someone stronger and Eric leaves? I find this a bit hard to believe because Eric is so cocky that he would probably insist on the challenger coming to his turf. That’s the way that these things are supposed to work after all. Rocky did it right where after you lose then you go to the enemy turf.

Additionally as the world champion you’d expect Eric to have press agents and a lot of media attention. Surely they would have flagged if something was wrong with the Thailand site right? They would have had their own security and everything. Instead Eric and Kurt were basically by themselves. You could say that they left in absolute secrecy for the fight but I have my doubts on that and the stadium was all set up for the fight so some reporters would have heard about it. The entirely plot just doesn’t hold up when you think about it.

It makes the beatdown frustrating with Tong openly cheating throughout the entire match. The refs don’t care since they were bought off as apparently Tong basically owns the place. Even the cops don’t dare go against him and again…there’s no way the fight would be held in such a corrupt place. It really doesn’t make any sense and will just have you shaking your head the whole time. Then even with the cheating how did Eric go down so fast? I would have liked to have seen him get some hits in.

Of course you know that he’s going to lose the fight but you could still make it a little interesting. The more lopsided the match becomes, the less likely it is that Kurt will be able to convincingly avenge him. I’d expect better from the world champion. As a character Eric was good though. I did like his confidence and ultimately he was ready to support Kurt later on. He was initially reluctant about letting Kurt get into the ring but that made sense since he knew first hand how brutal things could get.

Then the film is goes for extra edge later on as Tong goes after the heroine. The film could have stopped with a threat or something but no it goes all the way with this plot so the damage was already done. Kurt only finds out about this near the very end of the film and of course it’s a moment used to ignite his rage but this is always the lowest hanging fruit you can use. A film should never use this plot because there’s just no reason for it and after a while all the edge only serves to hurt the film rather than help it.

Additionally the film sacrifices any semblance of realism by the end. So Kurt can’t go all out for a while due to some circumstances so Tong is beating up on him for quite a while. Keep in mind that just a few blows were enough to cripple Eric completely. He lands dozens upon dozens of hits on Kurt and those hits are amped up since he rolled his fist inside of glass chunks. So Kurt is really feeling every punch and the guy just keeps landing these blows.

By the time Kurt is able to fight back he should not even be able to stand. I think the movie was going for some Rocky vibes here as the lead would often get beat up over and over again before landing a counter attack but the movies were never this exaggerated. Then the resulting fight is so one sided that it makes 0 sense again. It’s not like Tong lost all of his skills so why he is just a punching bag now?

It’s like this was a super basic revenge story written by someone who just knew the genre but not how to get there. So pick the easy methods to get Kurt really mad, have him get beat up a while and then beat up the other guy. There is no restraint or reason to any of this and so it really doesn’t work. Of course it’s nice to see the villain get what’s coming to him but it sure does take a super long time to get there. Too long if you ask me.

At least one nice thing I can say about the film is that the soundtrack is good. There are a lot of really solid themes playing here and they fit the action scenes. So the movie put in some work there. The choreography can also be good when it’s finally time for a real fight. It’s just a shame that there isn’t much time for that since usually one of the 2 fighters can’t fight back. Either because he’s completely outmatched or because there is a hostage around. Having more actual fights would have been nice.

Kurt’s a good main character and I did appreciate that he did his best to avenge Eric. I would have had him start off with a little more skill just so that it would be more believable in the end though. It was referenced that he knew how to fight a little and was just sloppy but having him land a hit on Tong during his first outburst or something would have gone a long way.

Xian’s not nearly as good. He’s an old master and yet he did nothing to protect his niece when she was being threatened for years? He says he was worried they’d take it out on her but so then you just make sure to finish off all of the villains and keep her close. Not doing anything is of no help. Mylee is also nice enough but she definitely gets the short end of the stick since she is basically used as rage bait here. She didn’t deserve any of this.

Winston is a guy who helps out and gets Kurt on the right track. He’s had a rough past but is doing his best to get past it. The guy delivers when it counts even if it does take a while for the payoff. Finally there’s Tong who makes for a pretty bad villain. The guy isn’t even brave enough to fight his own battles and resorts to asking his goons for help in the end. If he at least had the dignity to fight his own battles and didn’t go after Mylee then he could have been a reasonable villain but in the end it was not to be.

Overall, Kickboxer is a film I would say to avoid. It just gets way too dark during this adventure ad takes things a step too far. If it was satisfied with being a solid action film then that could have really gone over well for the film but instead it even added some animal violence like when the dog was attacked. I’m telling you, anything the film could do to try and give the main character more fuel for rage, it would do it. Truly a shame.

Overall 1/10

One Million Years B.C Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for a film about cave people and that’s always a huge red flag for me. It’s very rare that a film like that ends up being very good. Unfortunately this would not be the one to buck the trend. The instant you start the film you already know how it’s going to go. Without meaningful dialogue and fun characters this movie was really dead in the water right from the jump. I’m afraid that it never ended up doing anything and that’s the real sad part about this.

The movie starts with a bunch of cave people fighting all over the place. We see how there is no law and order around here. Everyone just does what they want when they want. They are true savages through and through. Tumak gets thrown out so he wanders around for a while until he finds another village that is quite different. These people are all very graceful, they have a real society and even know how to communicate, at least in basic ways. A lady named Loana decides to teach him their ways and so Tumak quickly becomes a good ally to have around. He has the strength to protect them from attacking monsters and now this society is where he can find peace. Unfortunately he messes that up and gets kicked out again so Loana leaves with him. Can they ever find peace?

A large chunk of the film is really about exploring what life may have been like back in these days. It’s basically why Tumak gets kicked out everywhere since it gives the film a chance to put him in different environments and see what happens. Here’s the problem though…they’re all very boring. I don’t care how many different settlements he sees, they’re all still just too basic to have anything interesting to depict. In a movie I typically need fast paced dialogue, a lot of quality banter, etc. You just don’t get that in this film and that’s a shame.

The random giant monsters are interesting enough at least. You have dinosaurs, giant lizards, etc. Of course this also ends up sinking the film into the animal violence issue which is just as bad. So now the film has that going against it in addition to the movie lacking in any quality characters. I also feel like the old outfits are just an excuse for a lot of fanservice as well. Surely the characters could all wear old fur coats instead of the classic cave costumes right? Feels like the movie’s trying to hide the lack of plot with this.

At the end of the day there just isn’t much for the film to do with this setup and it knows it. So you have a lot of fights and Tumak learning how to live but that’s about it and you can do that in 20 minutes. The rest of the film is effectively fluff and not very interesting fluff at that. The worst thing about the movie is ultimately that you’re just going to be very bored. There is nothing here to actively capture your imagination and that’s really the biggest problem of all. You need to be interested in what’s going on and engaged with the situation for a movie to be good.

The problem is that there isn’t anything to grab your attention. Why should you care about the cave people fighting each other when none of the characters are particularly fun? You shouldn’t is the main reason there. I wouldn’t say any modern level effects would have changed anything either because the place is supposed to look and feel old. There isn’t really a way around that no matter how much you squint.

Also, I do have to say that most films do need a lot of dialogue. You can absolutely pull off doing a film without much talking but it’s going to be very difficult and will fail much more often than it succeeds. Trust me on this, it’s not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination. You really have to give it your all and this film didn’t even come close. I also can’t picture a scenario where a film taking place in prehistoric times could pull it off.

A silent film in space with aliens all around for example could work. Perhaps a sci-fi title about escaping a room where you can’t talk. That silent film about the monsters that react to sound for example is a title that made the most of the premise so this actually made sense. You just need a massive hook like that in order to even attempt to make this a challenge.

Otherwise just adding dinosaurs and such isn’t going to be enough to tip the scales. Nah if anything it’s just going to remind you of how much more fun this could be if the characters were all talking and planning things out. At the end of the day of course if this sounds like your cup of tea then you should enjoy it. The film is very straight forward on what it is about. For example if you like the poster then you should like the movie. It’s not trying to subvert your expectations or throw in a bunch of plot twists. What you see is what you get and the film absolutely embraces this all the way down the line. It’s just not what I was looking for.

Overall, One Million Years ago never makes for a good setting for any film. Trust me on this, it’s the kind of setting you should actively avoid if you want to have any luck here! Films should take place in the modern day or the future if you want to have a leg up on the competition. That’s always my word of advice at least. Those are easily the best eras and I just like for everything to look really current. Then the characters still have to do their part but it’s a start. Yeah this film should be a skip.

Overall 1/10