Category Archives: 1 Star Movies

Blacula Review

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Oof, this film was pretty bad. I’m just going to say it upfront, this one was not a winner by any stretch of the imagination. Initially it started off with a little potential as the main character seems like a reasonable guy. Perhaps he would be an anti-hero of sorts who only feeds on the blood of the wicked. A lot of potential right there but nah it just becomes another B version of the Dracula film which was already quite bad. There isn’t much to redeem about this film to be honest.

The movie starts off with a guy going to Dracula and asking him to stop slavery basically. Dracula laughs and basically confirms that he loves slavery and this whole thing was a trap. The guy tries to fight him off but promptly gets bitten. His wife dies and the guy is left in the tomb. Many years later, he wakes up and is now the vampire known as Blacula!! Surely he will now be going around trying to help people out, destroy any other vampires in existence and keep onto his righteous cause right? Wrong!! He hungers and so he begins to drain everyone as he goes through life. He then finds a girl who looks like his late wife and decides that he wants her. Can the others stop him?

As you can probably guess one of my big issues here is just how Blacula is suddenly super evil. As a normal person he was a good guy trying to do the right thing. Why did he have to suddenly fall to such depths now? It doesn’t make sense and critically assassinates his character. There’s also no reason for this. You could absolutely have him fall in love with this lady and try to win her over without all the threats and bumping everyone off. The main villain here could have just been Dracula who had kept on living throughout all of these years. Boom you’d have a great story right there.

Unfortunately this film could not think things through and just went with this sad approach instead. The movie plays out exactly as you would expect with Blacula picking everyone off. One of the worst instances of this is when he is running through the streets and bumps into a cab. So the driver gets out and she naturally gives him a talking too…and he decides to murder her? Not to mention that he’s hunting around a black neighborhood. You can see the irony here right?? He was fighting to stop slavery, give equal rights to all…and now he’s basically murdering a bunch of the black community.

It undermines his character even more. Now if you said that Dracula injected his personality into Blacula then that could have been something. Honestly it would still have been a very baffling decision but at least it would make sense but the film never even hints at that. At best you can say we do see how he is losing his mind and getting more feral but that’s just standard vampire stuff. There’s still nothing in there that would cause his personality to do a complete 180. This is definitely a very lackluster film I have to say.

Of course it has the usual vampire movie issues as well like all the blood draining and everything. No matter how many times I see it I still find the whole thing a bit revolting. You should do vampire films without the draining. Think about it and you’ll see that I’m right. Have the vampires scare people in a different way and then we’re good. Like seeing Blacula in a dark alley with the cape is already scary so if you know he’s going to murder you then you don’t need the draining.

Okay enough about Blacula. Tina is the main heroine here and she doesn’t look great but you also have to cut her some slack because some of that is the subtle vampire mind control. Also it’s tough because she doesn’t really have an out here. Technically no matter where she goes or what she does there is no way to escape this guy. It’s a rather cruel environment to be in without a way out. Then you have Thomas who mainly leads the search in trying to stop this guy. He’s a reasonable main guy doing his best to help out but there’s nothing about him that particularly stands out. Much like this movie in general…..

Still, he’s good and does get results. The movie’s ending isn’t particularly satisfying but the movie did end which is what I was waiting for. At last the journey was over. There are some silver linings here like the characters but on the whole this film just makes no sense. They seriously need to remake it but with Blacula as an anti-hero. Or if you want him to be a true villain, have Dracula put him into stasis and when he wakes up have him appear in an area where his community is being terrorized or something. So now he wants revenge on the world. That kind of gimmick would go a long way. Just about anything instead of what we got to be honest.

The dark atmosphere worked well and the film had a lot of tension. So capitalize on all of that and maybe, just maybe you will have given the film a fighting chance to do something good. I wouldn’t hold my breath since it would still be a vampire film and would likely have the same issues though. At the end of the day there are very few good vampire films and I don’t see that really changing in the future.

Overall, Blacula is definitely a pretty bad film. In the end the movie did not even use the premise at all. Change Blacula to Dracula and nothing about the film changes. That’s probably the worst part in all of this because then it makes the whole thing pointless. You’ll be shaking your head the whole time and wondering why the movie even exists. If you want to watch a vampire film then watch The Batman vs Dracula instead. Hardly my favorite Batman film out there but it still blows this one away with ease.

Overall 1/10

Kickboxer Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time to look at a film that by all accounts should have been really good but instead it fumbled throughout the experience until it crashed in the end. It’s a shame because the template for this kind of film isn’t all that hard to follow. Just deliver with some good fight scenes and you will have a fun revenge film that works all around. The title got sequels so I guess enough people liked it, but it was a big thumbs down for me.

The movie starts with Kurt’s brother Eric deciding to take on the Thailand top kickboxing fighter. Eric has always been the world champion but one guy claimed that Thailand had the real strongest. So Eric shows up and unfortunately he is badly beaten by Tong to the point where he is crippled for life. Kurt’s upset since the guy was cheating but there is nothing to be done since this scene is basically an underground arena. Kurt will have to train with the local elder Xian to get strong enough to avenge his brother but Tong has more tricks up his sleeve. Who will come out on top!?

There’s a lot of problems with this very contrived setup. The first one is that Eric basically just heads off to Thailand to have a fight that is borderline unsanctioned at the drop of a hat. Really, all it takes is one guy mentioning that there is someone stronger and Eric leaves? I find this a bit hard to believe because Eric is so cocky that he would probably insist on the challenger coming to his turf. That’s the way that these things are supposed to work after all. Rocky did it right where after you lose then you go to the enemy turf.

Additionally as the world champion you’d expect Eric to have press agents and a lot of media attention. Surely they would have flagged if something was wrong with the Thailand site right? They would have had their own security and everything. Instead Eric and Kurt were basically by themselves. You could say that they left in absolute secrecy for the fight but I have my doubts on that and the stadium was all set up for the fight so some reporters would have heard about it. The entirely plot just doesn’t hold up when you think about it.

It makes the beatdown frustrating with Tong openly cheating throughout the entire match. The refs don’t care since they were bought off as apparently Tong basically owns the place. Even the cops don’t dare go against him and again…there’s no way the fight would be held in such a corrupt place. It really doesn’t make any sense and will just have you shaking your head the whole time. Then even with the cheating how did Eric go down so fast? I would have liked to have seen him get some hits in.

Of course you know that he’s going to lose the fight but you could still make it a little interesting. The more lopsided the match becomes, the less likely it is that Kurt will be able to convincingly avenge him. I’d expect better from the world champion. As a character Eric was good though. I did like his confidence and ultimately he was ready to support Kurt later on. He was initially reluctant about letting Kurt get into the ring but that made sense since he knew first hand how brutal things could get.

Then the film is goes for extra edge later on as Tong goes after the heroine. The film could have stopped with a threat or something but no it goes all the way with this plot so the damage was already done. Kurt only finds out about this near the very end of the film and of course it’s a moment used to ignite his rage but this is always the lowest hanging fruit you can use. A film should never use this plot because there’s just no reason for it and after a while all the edge only serves to hurt the film rather than help it.

Additionally the film sacrifices any semblance of realism by the end. So Kurt can’t go all out for a while due to some circumstances so Tong is beating up on him for quite a while. Keep in mind that just a few blows were enough to cripple Eric completely. He lands dozens upon dozens of hits on Kurt and those hits are amped up since he rolled his fist inside of glass chunks. So Kurt is really feeling every punch and the guy just keeps landing these blows.

By the time Kurt is able to fight back he should not even be able to stand. I think the movie was going for some Rocky vibes here as the lead would often get beat up over and over again before landing a counter attack but the movies were never this exaggerated. Then the resulting fight is so one sided that it makes 0 sense again. It’s not like Tong lost all of his skills so why he is just a punching bag now?

It’s like this was a super basic revenge story written by someone who just knew the genre but not how to get there. So pick the easy methods to get Kurt really mad, have him get beat up a while and then beat up the other guy. There is no restraint or reason to any of this and so it really doesn’t work. Of course it’s nice to see the villain get what’s coming to him but it sure does take a super long time to get there. Too long if you ask me.

At least one nice thing I can say about the film is that the soundtrack is good. There are a lot of really solid themes playing here and they fit the action scenes. So the movie put in some work there. The choreography can also be good when it’s finally time for a real fight. It’s just a shame that there isn’t much time for that since usually one of the 2 fighters can’t fight back. Either because he’s completely outmatched or because there is a hostage around. Having more actual fights would have been nice.

Kurt’s a good main character and I did appreciate that he did his best to avenge Eric. I would have had him start off with a little more skill just so that it would be more believable in the end though. It was referenced that he knew how to fight a little and was just sloppy but having him land a hit on Tong during his first outburst or something would have gone a long way.

Xian’s not nearly as good. He’s an old master and yet he did nothing to protect his niece when she was being threatened for years? He says he was worried they’d take it out on her but so then you just make sure to finish off all of the villains and keep her close. Not doing anything is of no help. Mylee is also nice enough but she definitely gets the short end of the stick since she is basically used as rage bait here. She didn’t deserve any of this.

Winston is a guy who helps out and gets Kurt on the right track. He’s had a rough past but is doing his best to get past it. The guy delivers when it counts even if it does take a while for the payoff. Finally there’s Tong who makes for a pretty bad villain. The guy isn’t even brave enough to fight his own battles and resorts to asking his goons for help in the end. If he at least had the dignity to fight his own battles and didn’t go after Mylee then he could have been a reasonable villain but in the end it was not to be.

Overall, Kickboxer is a film I would say to avoid. It just gets way too dark during this adventure ad takes things a step too far. If it was satisfied with being a solid action film then that could have really gone over well for the film but instead it even added some animal violence like when the dog was attacked. I’m telling you, anything the film could do to try and give the main character more fuel for rage, it would do it. Truly a shame.

Overall 1/10

One Million Years B.C Review

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It’s time for a film about cave people and that’s always a huge red flag for me. It’s very rare that a film like that ends up being very good. Unfortunately this would not be the one to buck the trend. The instant you start the film you already know how it’s going to go. Without meaningful dialogue and fun characters this movie was really dead in the water right from the jump. I’m afraid that it never ended up doing anything and that’s the real sad part about this.

The movie starts with a bunch of cave people fighting all over the place. We see how there is no law and order around here. Everyone just does what they want when they want. They are true savages through and through. Tumak gets thrown out so he wanders around for a while until he finds another village that is quite different. These people are all very graceful, they have a real society and even know how to communicate, at least in basic ways. A lady named Loana decides to teach him their ways and so Tumak quickly becomes a good ally to have around. He has the strength to protect them from attacking monsters and now this society is where he can find peace. Unfortunately he messes that up and gets kicked out again so Loana leaves with him. Can they ever find peace?

A large chunk of the film is really about exploring what life may have been like back in these days. It’s basically why Tumak gets kicked out everywhere since it gives the film a chance to put him in different environments and see what happens. Here’s the problem though…they’re all very boring. I don’t care how many different settlements he sees, they’re all still just too basic to have anything interesting to depict. In a movie I typically need fast paced dialogue, a lot of quality banter, etc. You just don’t get that in this film and that’s a shame.

The random giant monsters are interesting enough at least. You have dinosaurs, giant lizards, etc. Of course this also ends up sinking the film into the animal violence issue which is just as bad. So now the film has that going against it in addition to the movie lacking in any quality characters. I also feel like the old outfits are just an excuse for a lot of fanservice as well. Surely the characters could all wear old fur coats instead of the classic cave costumes right? Feels like the movie’s trying to hide the lack of plot with this.

At the end of the day there just isn’t much for the film to do with this setup and it knows it. So you have a lot of fights and Tumak learning how to live but that’s about it and you can do that in 20 minutes. The rest of the film is effectively fluff and not very interesting fluff at that. The worst thing about the movie is ultimately that you’re just going to be very bored. There is nothing here to actively capture your imagination and that’s really the biggest problem of all. You need to be interested in what’s going on and engaged with the situation for a movie to be good.

The problem is that there isn’t anything to grab your attention. Why should you care about the cave people fighting each other when none of the characters are particularly fun? You shouldn’t is the main reason there. I wouldn’t say any modern level effects would have changed anything either because the place is supposed to look and feel old. There isn’t really a way around that no matter how much you squint.

Also, I do have to say that most films do need a lot of dialogue. You can absolutely pull off doing a film without much talking but it’s going to be very difficult and will fail much more often than it succeeds. Trust me on this, it’s not an easy task by any stretch of the imagination. You really have to give it your all and this film didn’t even come close. I also can’t picture a scenario where a film taking place in prehistoric times could pull it off.

A silent film in space with aliens all around for example could work. Perhaps a sci-fi title about escaping a room where you can’t talk. That silent film about the monsters that react to sound for example is a title that made the most of the premise so this actually made sense. You just need a massive hook like that in order to even attempt to make this a challenge.

Otherwise just adding dinosaurs and such isn’t going to be enough to tip the scales. Nah if anything it’s just going to remind you of how much more fun this could be if the characters were all talking and planning things out. At the end of the day of course if this sounds like your cup of tea then you should enjoy it. The film is very straight forward on what it is about. For example if you like the poster then you should like the movie. It’s not trying to subvert your expectations or throw in a bunch of plot twists. What you see is what you get and the film absolutely embraces this all the way down the line. It’s just not what I was looking for.

Overall, One Million Years ago never makes for a good setting for any film. Trust me on this, it’s the kind of setting you should actively avoid if you want to have any luck here! Films should take place in the modern day or the future if you want to have a leg up on the competition. That’s always my word of advice at least. Those are easily the best eras and I just like for everything to look really current. Then the characters still have to do their part but it’s a start. Yeah this film should be a skip.

Overall 1/10

St Elmo’s Fire Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a particularly brutal film. When you think of a dramatic romance film this is the kind of title that comes to mind because it’s so over the top that you’re going to be cringing a whole lot. None of the characters are likable in the slightest and the whole thing is like an out of control fire. Trust me you’re going to want to stay far away from this one.

The movie starts by introducing us to a group of teenagers. They have a very complicated interpersonal relationship structure going on. They’re having affairs with each other, living their life, and crushing hearts all at the same time. After graduating school they figure they can still be friends but that is quickly found to be impossible. There are just too many relationship dramas going on and for at least one character it may even be life threatening. Is there any way to salvage this?

All the characters here are awful but I guess we should still break this down a bit. First up is Kirby who is a super desperate guy. He likes one girl who basically never gives him the time of day but each time he thinks he can win her over. He always overanalyzes what she says and now thinks that he needs to get rich and then she’ll go out with him. Of course he should ask himself why he is chasing after her like this. If she is only going to get together with him if he’s rich…then is that really love? Of course there are some conversations online about how gold digging is actually really good and the strongest bond but I feel like that is mostly hopium and not rooted in any facts. Regardless this guy is extremely annoying. Kirby has a lot of competition for worst character along with all his friends but the guy doesn’t do himself any favors.

Then you have Jules who is trying to have an affair with her boss but things aren’t going so well. She’s also leading on another guy who is having troubles of his own and ultimately this leads to her getting really depressed and nearly ending it all. It’s definitely a rough situation all around and while she may have dug herself into this situation, you do feel bad for her. It’s just that the whole movie is so overly dramatic that it all doesn’t hit as well. Even while she is about to die, her “friends” are fighting with each other and one nearly gets thrown off the building. Not a good look right?

The problem is that they’re all cheating on each other with others so it’s only natural that none of them can trust each other. Then there’s Billy who is really messing around by being with everyone and has gone in with the wrong crowd. He’s way too off the deep end and has a bad attitude about everything. Even when characters try to help him out and get him a job he has no gratitude. You can’t really help a character like that.

There’s Wendy who is the nice character but ultimately she makes a lot of mistakes in the relationships as well and cracks by the end. Honestly the best thing you can do in this situation is to get away from the other characters as fast as possible. I dare say that almost anyone would be dragged into the mud along with them after enough exposure. It’s why it’s so important to choose your friends wisely because otherwise you will just begin to get corrupted as a person as well and then there is no coming back from that. I mean you can come back from that but of course it gets difficult.

There are a bunch of other teenagers here but ultimately the characters are going to start blending together. They’re already sounding a bit similar in the summaries above right? Well one last one to put a spotlight on is Kevin because he’s particularly bad. So he fell in love with Leslie a long time ago but never had enough courage to mention this so he’s basically been her “friend” for ages. Finally he gets drunk enough to confess and they have a quick affair but the whole thing is basically a summation of the worst Hollywood romance tropes.

First off you have the classic idea that any “friend” is always secretly looking to get together with you the instant that you drop your guard. That was definitely rough here, like really? Then the girl was easy enough where they did have a fling which ends up adding a lot of tension since her other boyfriend shows up later on. Ultimately if you like your friend like that then you have to confess early on or keep the secret to the grave. If you stretch it out then you’re basically taking advantage since all the times you were hanging out platonically, it wasn’t actually platonic. This guy just felt way too whiny the whole time.

Needless to say I didn’t find the writing in the film to be particularly impressive. With no likable characters to root for, the film was always going to be very limited in what it could pull off. You need at least one great character around or else the whole thing’s kind of pointless. There’s a ton of drama here but all of the problems are basically self inflicted wounds by the characters in putting themselves in these scenarios. The film starts to drag and it goes without saying that the romances here are awful. In short the movie doesn’t give you any real reason to enjoy it.

Overall, I definitely recommend staying far away from this film. The whole film is a fire in a sense so I guess I can give them some props for living up to the premise but that’s it. There are no redeeming factors about the movie and at no point will you be entertained. This one desperately needs a remake from the ground up that changes everything about it, but at that point it’s basically a different film anyway.

Overall 1/10

Riddick Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

This film is definitely very ambitious. It actually does something that I thought was clever which I’ll get into but ultimately it’s squandered away by tons of animal violence throughout the film and another batch of super unlikable characters. Seriously there is at least one character here who really should have gotten taken out way sooner. This is a survival film through and through which doesn’t hold back.

The movie starts off with Riddick stranded on a desert planet. See, he may have been strong back in the day but he’s lost a step once he became king. He allows himself to be suckered by the most obvious traitor of all time and gets absolutely devastated. I couldn’t believe this, he really just lost to a super whiny character in a situation that was obviously a trap? Well, Riddick has decided to see the silver lining here and figures he will train until he is ruthless and a super powerful beast again. The first half of the film is about him learning how each of the different wildlife acts and adapting himself in turn. It doesn’t make for a very enjoyable watch but it’s interesting. See I thought the whole film was going to be about this and it would have been an experimental film without much dialogue.

Then the two annoying groups of bounty hunters show up and I realized the angle that I liked here. See, when a group shows up on an alien planet the movie is always about them getting picked off one by one from the mysterious alien creatures and the serial killer on the loose. Well, this time we got to see all of them first and then we’re introduced to the villains. So it was sort of a reverse scenario right there. I like the idea behind it at least but the film doesn’t really make the most of it. First off the original group are basically all villains with no interests greater than their primal desires. One of them wants to assault the heroine from the second film throughout the movie, the main guy just wants the money for capturing and murdering Riddick, the other are here for money.

There isn’t much to these villains and the problem is that the personalities that we do get just aren’t that good. For example the perverted villain should have been murdered several times during the movie. Each time the girl would beat him up which is cool and all but considering his intentions he should have absolutely been murdered the second time. I was hoping Riddick really had sabotaged the equipment room so that as soon as the guy opened it, it would blow up. That would have been fantastic because this guy seriously didn’t contribute anything. Bumping him out of the movie would have been a great idea.

The main villain is your classic coward who can only make a move when everything is in his favor. Otherwise the guy just folds immediately and really isn’t much of a leader. So that leads us to the second group and at least they were decent. The leader is the father of the main villain from the first film and unlike his son he actually seems like a very capable commander. The tension here is wondering if the guy will turn evil and fold at the first sign of adversity like his son or if he will do well to the end. It works as a nice parallel even if you have a general idea of where this will go. The movie does a good job of giving you enough fake-outs and turns to keep you guessing. He was a good character though.

I also liked Dahl who was the lady who kept beating up the first punk. She was tough and could hold her own in a fight. Considering how often she was targeted Dahl did a great job of always watching her back and keeping her gun ready. I just feel like keeping the guy alive was too much of a risk considering that he had no moral compass at all. The rest of the mercenaries are mainly forgettable but in general the team of professionals were way better than the random bunch of bounty hunters.

Riddick was back to looking like a true professional after the opening scene so he was really good here. He perhaps took too many risks though once he tried bartering with the other hunters. I feel like his plan wasn’t very strong when he went off to meet them and could have been picked off at any time. He had the power cores as insurance but even so it was a really big gamble that ultimately didn’t pay off. He lost his dog as a result of his plan after all.

Horrible scene by the way and one of the many moments that doomed this film. The instant he adopted an alien dog I knew things weren’t going well and that’s always rough. It’s come to the point where you don’t want to see an animal in any film because you know that’s going to be used as easy revenge bait. Films need to resist this and yet they have not been able to so far. I need the film to surpass its limits and go away from that but it’s probably going to be a while at this rate. Beyond the dog you also have a lot of creatures getting eaten and ripped to pieces either by Riddick or by other creatures.

It’s one reason why survival films rarely end up being very good because part of the genre is seeing what the heroes are surviving and inevitably that means a bunch of animals are going to die. It’s unfortunate but that’s usually what it boils down to. This film goes back to embracing the violence on a high scale like the first film and definitely gets really excessive. Throw in the sub par cast of character and you really have a losing formula here. It’s easily the weakest of the 3 films so the movie series ends on a sour note.

Overall, There’s no real reason to watch this film. You’re better off watching the original if you want the alien plot or checking out the second one for the lore. Of course all the lore gets thrown out here as they make Riddick look super sloppy to have an excuse for the film 2 cast to beat him up. The opening just makes him look soooo bad. I also feel like it wasn’t smart to change the venue so drastically like this because it makes film 2 completely pointless but I suppose it is what it is. Maybe if we get a 4th film they’ll course correct again and go back to the sci-fi wars of the second film. That would actually be pretty funny but something tells me the 4th film will take a while.

Overall 1/10

One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Psychological films can definitely be good but this one didn’t do the trick. I knew almost right away that it wasn’t going to be very good but from there it just kept on getting worse and worse. Throw in a pretty awful ending and that’s really a wrap. There may have been some potential here but ultimately films where someone is stuck in a prison or an asylum rarely turn out to be good.

The movie starts off with Randle being admitted to the psychiatric ward for the insane. He’s basically faking it because this way he doesn’t have to go outside and do hard labor while he serves out his sentence. Everyone around him is truly insane but he’s fine with that and figures he will still have his fun. Nurse Ratched doesn’t appreciate this though and is determined to break him in the same way that she has broken everyone else. It will be a battle of wills but she does have a big advantage over Randle because people don’t have a lot of rights while within the facility. This means that she effectively has cart blanche to do whatever she wants with him. Not exactly the position you want to put yourself in right?

Well you’d think that but surprisingly it turns out that most of the prisoners are here by choice. Yes that’s right. They can actually walk out anytime they want to but they feel more secure in this facility. It’s pretty wild and as you can imagine Randle is definitely shocked to hear this. The problem is that Randle actually isn’t here willingly at this point because he acted too convincingly in showing everyone that he’s crazy. So ironically it is most imperative that he leaves now but at this point he’s already in deep. He wants to find a way to bring the rest of his friends out with him but to do that he has to convince them that they already have the bravery and skills needed to make it on the outside. It’s a good speech but can he really convince them of this in time?

Randle’s character is the most entertaining one in the movie to be sure but at the same time it’s not like you can really call him a great time. He bribes guards, likes to have one night stands and is generally a bad influence to everyone around him. He believes in living life to the fullest and doing whatever he wants but of course that isn’t really the best kind of lifestyle long term. It’ll catch up to him some day and all of the characters know it. Unfortunately Randle takes too long to really make his move and is easily baited. Letting his instincts run wild all the time is really the cause for why things don’t go very well for him in the end. His whole ending is just super tragic the whole time. He goes through a whole lot and ultimately there isn’t really a shining light at the end of the tunnel for him. It’s just as bleak at the end as it was at the start, honestly much more so even.

There are quite a number of people in the asylum with Randle but the two biggest ones were Billy and the Chief. The Chief is a very quiet guy who initially seems to be mostly braindead as he can’t understand anything but as the film goes on Randle i able to get to him more. It’s always nice to have someone strong by your side. The film also deals with the themes of freedom and how if you’re trapped in your own body then that’s the worst feeling at all. It deals with the ending and that was still not a great way to show the message. I feel like you have to find a way to hope that it’s possible to cure someone instead of just bumping him off. I understand the action though. If I was going to be vegetable then I’d probably want to be taken out too so I’m not trapped but it’s definitely something you hope you never have to really even think about.

Then there is Billy who was probably the most ready to listen to Randle from the start. He has a big stutter which is why he’s in here but otherwise he’s mainly normal. The guy can reason and think just like anyone else. Billy just lacks confidence but is otherwise as normal as anyone else. He’s definitely someone who should have left sooner than later. Honestly they all should have really gotten out of there because it was clear from the jump that Ratched did not have their best interests at heart. She just wanted power and control. She definitely got those things here.

Ratched makes for an intense villain. I like how she really tries to hide this and act normal but you know what’s up the whole time. She has a bit of a nefarious air about her and definitely leaves no room for compassion or mercy. But that’s what makes her a good villain. She isn’t half hearted at all and is just determined to be as antagonistic as possible. You don’t always see a whole lot of villains like that. Her fights with Randle were the best part of the film but of course it was always one sided just by nature of their positions within the hospital. At the end of the day it’s not like he can seriously defy her after all. When he gets out of line she’ll just have him tortured.

That’s ultimately what makes this film a swing and a miss which is that it’s never fun. Characters are always either being tortured, beat up, or humiliated. You’re constantly reminded that there is no hope for them as long as they stay within the asylum and unfortunately most of them can’t function very well outside of the asylum either. So what you have here is a lose-lose situation. Then the ending goes for a very grim dark approach. The dialogue is very rarely entertaining outside of Randle and Ratched and this is a very dialogue heavy film so you can see how that would quickly become a problem.

Overall, The film is tackling a sub genre that isn’t explored a whole lot with the asylums but that’s probably for the best. It feels like these films never end up being all that great and so in the end you’re better off just skipping it entirely. It’s not a film that leaves you feeling all happy inside and instead you’re just wishing that you could have seen Randle break everyone out early so the rest of the film could be about the characters learning how to survive on their own. It would have been a much better experience than this mean spirited title.

Overall 1/10

The Invisible Man (2020) Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time to take a look at the Invisible Man. After the Mummy remake turned out to be fairly bad, it was time for this one to shake things up. Unfortunately I am here to tell you that the Mummy was significantly better which is not a good thing. This one ultimately takes an approach to the story that was likely doomed from the start and any promising aspects are overwhelmed by the negatives. I do think that a sequel would automatically be starting off in a much better place though and I’m ready for that.

The movie starts off with Cecilia escaping from her abusive boyfriend Adrian and drives off with her sister Emily. Cecilia lives with James and his daughter Sydney as she hides out from him. One day she finds out that Adrian destroyed himself but it feels rather odd that he would just give up like that. Sure enough, he appears to be back but invisible somehow and he intends to keep tormenting her and isolating her from her friends and family. Can Cecilia stop him or at this point is he a ghost that can’t truly be stopped?

Right off the bat what the film did wrong here is it went too far on showing just how psychotic Adrian was as the villain. We learn quite a bit about the abuse and how far it went into gritty territory and once you go there it’s pretty much a death sentence for a film. You want to go in there and get ready for some thrilling chase scenes and wonder how the heroine will come out on top. Instead now there was already so much damage done that it’s like you’ve lost the fight before it even began. Just a very unfortunate way to kick things off and so you’re not able to have a whole lot of fun during the film. Cecilia is naturally very traumatized for almost the whole film. There’s a lot of crying and a somber tone throughout the movie so at the end of the day what you’ve got is a very emotional horror title as opposed to a thrilling one.

Now, when you have a villain who is invisible you figure it’s going to be very hard to stop him. That’s part of the fear factor in dealing with such a villain and yet the movie starts to mess up there. There’s one point in the film where the Invisible Man murders someone right next to Cecilia and then tries to frame her for this. The big issue of course is that with the security footage you should immediately be able to see that the knife was lifted on its own and that she didn’t do it. This was a very fancy restaurant so they had to have cameras in there and the worst part is that you could have easily written around that. Have him wait until she picks up the knife to eat some food later on and then stab the victim with that.

There wasn’t any food ordered yet but that’s just a clean way of doing it. Most aspects of the Invisible Man work beyond that like his being super silent is fine. I can definitely see that working based on how the invisibility works. It’s not really a stretch. I’m a bit more iffy on his walking through the metal detectors at the entry of the prison but sure lets say the suit is fully plastic. One more iffy part is when he’s taking out a whole platoon of guards though. So for context his suit was damaged earlier so he was flickering in and out a whole lot, however during the fight it almost works perfectly so he vanishes for large amounts of time. It starts flickering again once he’s outside but even if he was invisible the whole fight, the guards could have handled that way better.

It’s obvious that Cecilia isn’t stabbing them because she’s on the ground many feet away. So once the guards start going down they should be firing in all directions to clip the villain or throwing a punch. They should be doing something at least right? Instead they just keep pointing their guns at Cecilia and telling her to stand down when that’s not helping matters at all. It is an interesting fight scene of course and I can even buy the Invisible Man beating them all, but just not in the way that it went down.

If I’m going to drill down further I think another big issue here is the film overexplained why this would all be feasible for Adrian to the point where people should have believed this more. Adrian is the world’s foremost expert on optic technology. If someone were to be invisible, well it would have to use optical technology right? That shouldn’t be a stretch to say that he found a way to do it and faked his death. So at least have someone look into it. Additionally his mansion seemed fully intact and as if nobody really went in to dig around. If they had then they might have seen something.

Now the film does have a pretty intense ending that has a lot of potential for a sequel. It was a drastic way for one character to go but I think it makes for a powerful ending and honestly there probably weren’t any alternatives at that point. There was no way to take things further within the realms of the law there. I hope this character puts on the brakes and doesn’t escalate further though as there was sort of an implied threat at the end. Right now I think this person would follow through on that threat but I hope it doesn’t come down to that. My only issue is that one character looks worse retroactively here.

Put it this way, there is only one way for the ending to work and it requires having certain equipment. The owner of this equipment should have known way before this scene that it was gone and that would eliminate the element of surprise right? I mean this character knows there is only one person who would steal this and so he would be very prepared for what might come later on? You also question the house alignment not to notice what was being prepped.

Well, there’s a lot to analyze here but pretty much all of that I can overlook except for the restaurant scene which was a bit much. Maybe also the kid (Sydney) getting punched since you can really tell the difference when you’re getting punched by the Invisible Man or Cecilia. Cmon now there is a massive difference there and the texture would also be very different considering how the Invisible Man would have hit her. Okay this actually makes another nitpick come to mind here.

So when he follows her into various places like the prison cell, hospital, etc. No matter how fast he is, how does nobody notice how the door stays open for an extra second? Unless you tell me that he perfect times it to dash after them before the door closes or slips under their arm while they hold it open, that should be really tough to manage each and every time. This one’s a full nitpick though since it can be done and since the Invisible Man is a martial arts master he has full control over his body and all.

The concept of the Invisible Man is pretty cool and there’s a lot of utility there in a horror, action, or even comedy context. There’s a lot you can do with this but they should have just made him a random psycho/mass murderer instead of going for the abusive angle here. If you’re going to go that route then just don’t go all the way and keep it to minimal physical/emotional violence like a few hits or something. That’s still incredibly serious without going all the way into grim dark territory.

I was glad that the dog didn’t die here so I’ll give the film some props there. Ultimately while Cecilia didn’t handle some situations as well as she could have, she did well in escaping during the intro and taking care of business by the end. I’d say she worked well as the lead. Her sister Emily also did a good job It was a bit annoying that she was so slow to starting the car in the intro which nearly cost Cecilia everything but beyond that she was a steadfast ally the whole time. Ultimately she had to go through a lot and it was reasonable that she had a point where she got upset because it’s hard to believe that what happened to her was a frame-up.

James was a good guy who helped give Cecilia a place to stay and heal on her terms. He was a supportive guy all the way through to the end and that’s why if Cecilia were to turn on him then that would lose her a lot of points. Yes he also had a point where he distanced himself but considering the context I don’t see how you could possibly blame him at all. I don’t see how Cecilia could either because she would fully understand. Same goes for Sydney who does her best to be supportive to a point. The final supporting character is Adrian’s brother Tom and naturally you’ll be suspicious of him the whole time. The instant that he says he’ll just let Cecilia have all the money without a fuss you figure there has to be something to this guy.

Overall, The Invisible Man’s main problem is that it’s just not a very enjoyable film for most of the run as it can be tough to watch for large chunks of it. It’s a very somber title with a whole lot of dark elements and while a horror film can be visually dark, it should also be very engaging and have its share of moments where it’s lighthearted or at least you’re having fun enjoying something. The film can be quite violent but I would say it’s definitely not on the same level as most slashers or big time horror films so the movie actually did show some restraint on that end. Now based on what the plot for the sequel can be, we’re either going to see one of the biggest jumps in quality for a sequel yet or it’s going to double down and things will get tricky from there. We’ll see how it plays out but as long as it includes some fun this time around then we should be good.

Overall 1/10

Chances Are Review

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Oh nooooooo! Sometimes you know before a film even starts that the premise is already going to be a swing and a miss. Well this one doesn’t disappoint and it’s one of those things where the premise is so bouncey that you’re not sure if it really could have been saved. There are definitely a lot of ideas you’ll have immediately to make it a bit better but ultimately this story just needed to not happen. Pick just about any other circumstance instead and you’ve got a shot.

Well, the movie starts with Louie about to get married to Corinne when his best friend Philip confides that he is currently in love with Corinne. Instead of knocking the stuffing out of Philip or running him over with the car, Louie confirms that he already knew this with a cocky smirk. Louie is promptly murdered after getting run over a car shortly afterwards but in the afterworld he has decided that he won’t pass on quite yet. He doesn’t get his memory erasure shot and runs back to Earth where he is reincarnated. 23 years pass and he happens to meet Corinne again and gets his memories back. She’s never rebounded so he figures he has a shot but now there is around a 26 year gap between them and he will have to defeat Philip for her affections. Additionally his daughter Miranda likes him since prior to restoring his memories he had started making passes at her. What can he do?

You can already see how messed up the plot is in a lot of ways. First off though, the way they handle Philip makes no sense. If Louie knows that the guy is in love with his wife then it’s time to kick him out completely. Sorry man but once everything is out in the open like that then it’s time to go. It’s never wise to ever even breathe a word about your feelings to anyone if you’ve fallen for someone who’s already taken. What you need to do is cry yourself to sleep and get over her right away. If you can’t then it’s time to move away or put some distance. Thing is, it should be easy to get over someone once they’re off the market.

It’s romance 101. Why do you think the first thing most people ask if if the girl/boy has a boyfriend/girlfriend? It’s because one you know that this is the case, you can move on immediately. It works basically every time. It’s like putting on a filter over your eyes like a pair of glasses. You may still acknowledge their beauty but you don’t see that girl as a potential lover anymore. It’s just such a basic thing and Philip still messed it up. Now the filter does fade away once she breaks up with the guy or he dies but it should work in the short term as a psychological block. Philip telling Louie this straight up is unforgivable especially since they’re supposed to be friends. It was a really selfish thing to do and it’s why you can’t root for him for the rest of the film.

After Louie dies you have to remember that the bro code is still in effect in perpetuity. It never runs out and that means you can’t go after your best friend’s girl. It’s just not something that would ever fly morally so Philip needs to buck up and keep it moving. It was good of him to look after her daughter Miranda and help out for 20 years. Sure that’s a good thing but unfortunately he did it with the intentions of getting together with her. He had nebulous intentions from the jump so I take away all of the credit immediately. This guy just needed to go away.

Now another issue with the film beyond the premise is that the romance is awful. Basically this film is going with the Chad approach that you can win anyone over with a kiss. For example Corinne says she wants nothing to do with Louie when he comes back as a 23 year old and keeps telling him to go away. So basically he just forces her to kiss him and the worst part is you see the exact moment where her mind just snaps and suddenly she wants to be with him. It was the power of the kiss and you roll your eyes when this happens. Then it happens again! Philip makes his move and of course she does the whole “We can’t be together” so he forces her into a kiss and the exact same thing happens. Suddenly she doesn’t want to be with Louie anymore and will stay with Philip.

It’s such a drastic change each and every time. You can’t possibly tell me that a romance built off of a stolen kiss can ever be successful. It will also just make you jaded. I’m convinced that half the reason why a lot of people don’t think guys and girls can ever be friends are films like this. I can picture people watching this film and jumping up and down, fist bumping, and high fiving when Philip goes after Corinne. “Called it!!!” and things like that will be yelled because he couldn’t have possibly been helping her out all these years out of the goodness of his heart.

Man the romance here is abysmal guaranteed. Then there is the whole plot with Miranda that’s pretty awful. Yeah Louie does stay away from her after he has his memories and of course, he better! It’s still just such a weird plot to throw in here and even by the end when the angel shows up with the memory drug it doesn’t make this much better. Corinne still remembers what happened after all as well as Philip and that’s going to make for a very weird family dynamic here. Also as a sidenote, Corinne just looks way too gullible here. If someone showed up saying that they were a reincarnation of anybody I would just laugh it away and keep moving. I’m not buying that story no matter what kinds of secrets they start spouting.

Why? Because I’d sooner believe in mind reading technology than reincarnation so I’d assume it was that. Any possible action this person can do I would have a better explanation for it than the person coming back to life but Corinne bought into this quickly. Well, the kiss is what pushed her over the edge which is actually much worse. I think somewhere deep within the film there is a good comedy film but it is trapped beneath the surface of the plot so it is absolutely doomed.

For example, we could have continued with the whole corrupt judge plot. There was a lot that you could have done with that but in the end it’s barely here at all. It never really ends up being very relevant at all to the point where you may even forget that there is a plot about a corrupt judge here. It has no bearing to anything. At best you can say that the car which ran Louie over was sent by the Judge but that’s never even implied. So yeah this plot was basically completely filler.

Worst part? The film ends with a massive plot hole. Basically the reason Louie got into all this trouble was because he left back to Earth before getting his memory shot and the afterworld has no defenses here. So in the final scenes the angel shows up and gives him the shot so he loses his memory. Problem is…if he could have done that then he should have done it 23 years ago while Louie was a baby. There was no reason to wait this long except for the plot to happen which means that this was bad writing. If your entire story relies on a plot hole then it’s not really a complete story at all. They should have just had Louie hit his head and forget his memories which is what I was expecting for a while there. It would have made wayyyyyy more sense and not introduced this issue at the very end. Or at least throw in a line that it takes 23 years to make a new serum. This could have been fixed so easily not that it would help the score much though.

Overall, This film was going for a weird/uncomfortable vibe with its style of comedy and it definitely succeeded. This is a plot that never needed to happen. Pretty much all of the scenes here get tainted as a result but even outside of the family dynamics the scenes outside of them are very underwhelming as well. You have an old lady falling for Louie so that he can get 2 million dollars for Corinne and it is just the most random thing possible. I know that this guy is supposed to be one of the most charming people in existence but it’s a bit much. I’d also say that the film forgets to be funny half the time as it’s more about everyone getting their feelings hurt and trampled on until the end. By the end nobody is a winner here. Philip was Corinne’s second choice. Louie had his whole identity obliterated in the end. Miranda is with someone who was just messing around with her mother and Corinne is with her second choice since Louie isn’t around anymore. Nobody within the film wins so the viewer loses out as well.

Overall 1/10

Heathers Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Heathers is one of those movies that comes across as rather mean spirited. It is partially comedic in nature but I would say it usually still crosses the line into being rather serious most of the time. The characters are unlikable but you still feel bad for them just because in general these can be rough ways to go out. The main character is also extremely gullible to the point where it’s hard to buy into.

So the movie starts by introducing us to Veronica who has become a part of the Heathers clique, a group of bullies who pick on everybody. Apparently Veronica used to be a good person a long time ago but she went over to the dark side and never looked back. Now she is even rude to her old friend and doesn’t have the courage to move away from the bullies. That’s when a transfer student known as JD appears and this guy may not look very tough but he can defend himself. He’s even got a gun on him. The two immediately hook up and he tells her about how he can bump off all of her enemies. She figures these will just be really intense pranks that will put the bullies in their place but gradually he starts to murder them all. Is Veronica next? How can she escape this toxic relationship before it’s too late.

So right off the bat when JD approaches Veronica about taking out the first Heather, it’s clear that he’s trying to be lethal here. She keeps mentioning how they could just put some bad tasting things in Heather’s drink but he jumps right to poison and keeps ignoring her when she tries to stop him. So when he directly murders the first Heather…that should have been it. The relationship should have been over in an instant right? No, Veronica still hangs out with JD which leads to more and more escalations like shooting two guys in the forest. This is already way past the realm of things being normal.

Reporting JD to the cops is the first thing you have to do. You can’t let him forge suicide notes and just keep going. The worst part is that Veronica always does get on board after the deed is done. Her attitude seems to be a sort of “Well it already happened so we should maximize the benefits” which is also twisted. Yeah you can’t really change the past but you can still at least begin to make things right instead of continuing to hang out with the guy. Eventually/Inevitably JD does turn on her and you just knew this was coming. With someone like JD he is always going to keep going further and further down the rabbit hole until someone stops him.

I actually did like his debut with how he took the gun out to stop the bullies. Those two weren’t going to stop so that was an effective way to get him to back off but in the back of your head you knew that it just wasn’t going to end there. The guy was going to keep on going and reaching new heights of terror. In the end he’s just psychotic all the way through and his true colors really began to show. I will say it was a bit sloppy that he didn’t notice Veronica’s trick though. It was certainly a real risky one all the way through and I just don’t see it working. All you have to do is have him reach out and the scheme fails. I’m always a little skeptical on a trick like that working but you’ll have to watch the film to see what trick she comes up with.

At the end of the day the film has a lot of problems but beyond being generally mean spirited with every character just being awful….every character is awful. It’s a strategy that backfires all the time because then you’re not actually engaged or interested in any of the characters on screen. You just get annoyed to see them when they appear because either they are about to die or pick on some innocent student in the meantime. The fact that Veronica was actively one of the bullies was just awful.

Then you have one student who is overweight so of course everyone picks on her and she even tries to commit suicide. It’s a really serious moment in a film that’s not quite as serious and while things work out for her in the end, it does mean that watching this film can be a chore. The film has a bit of a subplot where the school isn’t sure what to do to stop these “suicides” (Since they all don’t know the truth) and it starts to get crazy as the teacher almost seems to encourage it. The school was definitely messed up that’s for sure and there is almost no teacher supervision. I mean it doesn’t seem unrealistic because you hear a lot of crazy stories about school but at the same time it doesn’t make for quality entertainment.

Throw in a single likable character and we’re good. The only one who even seemed interesting was JD’s father who was also a nut. Apparently he’s a mass murderer who is rich and he and JD have some kind of roleplay going on where JD pretends to be the father while the father is the son. It’s all rather twisted but at least this guy had charisma and would have done better than most of the students. By the time you reach the final fight in this film you’re already fairly exhausted.

Overall, This movie is basically the subgenre of revenge film where all of the characters are bullies so someone decides to pick them off one by one but murdering a villain is still murder so now there is absolutely nobody to really root for. The victims are all villains here and the murderer clearly is as well. It ends up making sure that the film loses all of its bite right from the start. Yeah this is definitely a film to stay away from. There are plenty of school drama type movies to watch instead that will be many leagues better than this one.

Overall 1/10

Alligator Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

You ever watch a film and then afterwards think to yourself: “Oof!” That’s basically this film in a nutshell. Alligator didn’t have great prospects right from the start to be honest because films about an evil animal rarely ever do well but even for that sub genre this one wasn’t very good at all. You have a whole subplot about a bunch of dogs dying and at that point I knew there was no hope for this film. It was just going to keep falling and falling as the movie went on and that’s exactly what happens here.

The movie starts with a girl getting a pet alligator of her own but unfortunately her father flushes it into the sewers. The alligator swears revenge and over the next 10+ years it begins to grow to monstrous size. It has been destroying all the animals in the sewers and even claims a few human lives. By the time it enters the surface it is quite powerful. Can officer David manage to stop this beast? He is quick on his feet but has a reputation for bumping off his partners which is hard to lose. Additionally everyone thinks he is crazy and don’t believe in an alligator. This town is about to be in a whole lot of trouble.

So the first big issue here is the subplot that I mentioned earlier. Basically there is a scientist running experiments on growth hormones and how to make animals extra big. To do this he is kidnapping a bunch of dogs around town and murdering them all. This ends up giving the alligator more fuel of course but it also adds a lot of animal violence that just wasn’t needed in the film. It makes you cringe every time you see these scenes and there are quite a lot of them. The heroes aren’t able to do much about this guy either because he is protected by someone who is rich enough to own the police. It’s a rather vicious cycle of corruption at the top and everyone is powerless to stop them.

The worst part is that the plot doesn’t add anything of value to the story. Just have the gator find some ooze in the tunnels or something which causes him to grow. Or have a syringe fall down there which makes him big but adding all of those dogs in was just a really bad idea. I haven’t seen a film go this far with the dog deaths in quite a while and of course all of the bodies are there in full display the whole time to make things get even more gruesome. The actual violence in the film isn’t particularly surprising as you are expecting the gator to be chomping people up right from the start anyway. So when it happens that is just par for the course although of course the film should have had a bit more restraint. you don’t need to quite be to excessive with that kind of content.

There’s even one scene where a small child is eaten which I thought was also a bit much. It’s certainly a very dark scene but one that you could have done without. By this point we already know what a monster this thing is so why add onto that any further? The Alligator isn’t super fast so you like your odds when going up against it but unfortunately fort he humans they tend to trip and freeze under pressure which makes them easy targets. If they had just kept on going then things could have gone differently for them. One of the only ones you can’t blame is the kid since he was pushed into the water.

As the main character David is very underwhelming. I like that he is always very eager to solve a case and that he doesn’t let the public get to him too much. Unfortunately at the same time it is easy for one of the reporters to rile him up the whole time and his romance with Marisa is pretty bad. He just gets mean at some points for no real reason and then barely even apologizes to her. He didn’t give her much of a chance at the beginning of the movie so the whole romance is really rushed and makes no sense. It just seems to happen rather suddenly and he looks really desperate.

Sure the romance isn’t great on Marisa’s end either but at least outside of that she is decent enough. I like how determined she is to say that Alligators can’t possibly grow as large as David was saying even though all the evidence points to it. Once she has a theory she will stay very resolved in sticking to it. Then you have Thomas who is the big reporter here. He has a really personal grudge against David for some reason and is always trying to put him on the spot. A little random perhaps but this guy is trying to sell issues and maybe he just knows that David is a much easier target than most others would be. So he’s just engaging in smart business decisions here. It doesn’t make him any less of an antagonist though and you know he’s doomed from the start.

Then you have David’s boss who is in the pocket of his bosses. He will do whatever they say no matter who and what he has to betray. This guy’s really petty and not loyal at all but he is fun. The guy may get off easy but in a way it’s because David isn’t taking him seriously. Whether he plays nice or not, the boss will be listening to his bosses the whole time so it almost doesn’t matter. Finally you have Brock who is a really big hunter who is supposed to be mega impressive. Unfortunately the guy doesn’t have a good attitude and feels out of his depth from the tart. You know that he has no shot but it’s still fun to watch him because of how arrogant he is. The guy holds nothing back and also knows how to manipulate people around him into going on missions. No matter what else you think of him, the guy absolutely knows how to talk his way out of a situation.

It’s hard to know on where to start if you were going to try and fix this movie. There’s just so many bad things about it but removing the dog subplot probably does need to be the first thing you do. Throw in some better main characters while you’re at it. I think either way you don’t want to make another large alligator film again but if you have to do one for some reason then make that the main focus and don’t worry about other stuff. At the end of the day you gotta approach this carefully.

Overall, There isn’t much to like about Alligator at all. When the characters are bad and the romance is rushed in addition to everything else then you may as well just take the L because there is no coming back from that. I highly advise staying far away from this film. There just isn’t any reason to watch it and the movie will certainly drag on for you. Perhaps the sequel will actually end up being better. I don’t doubt that it will surpass the first but that’s easy to do so will it actually be a good movie or not? I’m in no immediate rush to find this out though.

Overall 1/10