Category Archives: 2 Star Movies

They All Laughed Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for one of those films that is just hard to watch with how bad everyone is. The writing is not particularly good and all of the characters are downright awful. Mix that in with the fact that the film is fairly long and you have a recipe for disaster. It’s the kind of film that makes you shake your head the whole time because it had no idea what it was doing. This was an absolute mistake of massive proportions. Very unfortunate stuff.

Okay so the film is about a detective agency where they spy on women to find out if they are having affairs or not. There are 3 main field agents here and they each have different talents. They have two ongoing missions right now so they have to keep running around the city to keep track of both women. The problem is that these guys have the willpower of a baked potato and they are no strangers to having loads of affairs as well. With everyone in the city hopping from one person to the next, this is about to get complicated.

The movie plays out like a crazy delusion that someone who is jaded with big city life might have. Someone who figures that in the city, people are hopping from relationship to relationship the way one might might go pizza hopping from place to place. Nobody is trust worthy and they’re all messing round behind each other’s backs yet they also gossip with everyone. So as a result it’s all real convoluted but the simple part is seeing just how bad everyone is. Even the end of the movie has some twisted morals going on.

So right from the gate I can tell you this is an awful film. It will have the occasional funny moment but almost all of its attempts at humor just end up falling flat. Makes me shake my head just thinking about it. For example, Charles is the main character here and you’re supposed to in part feel bad for him when everything’s going badly. He’s constantly in tricky situations but since he’s such a bad guy you’re just rooting against him instead. Instead of the scenes being funny, you’re hoping that he does get hit by the car, that he does get caught so the girl will run off, etc.

Lets take a step back here, cheating is and always has been one of the greatest taboos. For the average person it should typically rank in the top 5, only losing to the most disturbing and evil of crimes. In any situation where there is cheating going on, the person most at fault is the one who is married since that person is the one who made the vow. Closely behind is the other party for still weakening the married person in order to have the affair. The only exception is naturally if that person was deceived into thinking they’re having fun with someone who is single.

So in the main relationship, Charles is less at fault than Dolores but it’s by a very negligible amount. You can tell that there is no loyalty here from either side. Once they are together, Dolores will cheat on him with the next guy and he’ll cheat with her on someone else. That’s just how the cycle is. Especially since Charles is easy to boss around like the singer who had her way with him. This guy can never appreciate the moment and is always looking beyond. It’s easy to see why things have never gone well for him.

Then you have Arthur who has the most confidence but as a result he’s been with the most ladies. He just flies on through all of them and never stops. Definitely not someone that you would want to even be friends with since he would be such a bad example. Fortunately for him, nobody in the city really cares and they all run to be the next in line to be chumped. Sure they get upset afterwards but it’s too late.

Then you have John who falls for Angela during his assignment. It’s basically just like with Charles. He’s only making matters worse and putting his feelings ahead of the mission. Things don’t go very well as you’d expect and the only outcome is that they are both super tainted now. It’s all just a real messy affair and again it makes the big problem here the fact that nobody is likable. Everyone has their moments and all they succeed in doing is dragging the other characters down with them.

In general it’s probably going to be hard to really make any good films about a group that tests out if a husband/wife is cheating. In most cases it’s probably going to happen where the main character falls for one of them. That’s just the easiest way to make a long dramatic story about the subject. After all you’re likely going to need some kind of conflict and peacefully finding out that cheating is or is not going on is a harder story to tell. I’d like to see a writer try and do this justice but it feels like a longshot.

It would have been nice to have at least had one character stay strong but that never happens. Even the cab driver gets involved as well as the secretary. Yeah these are all the kinds of characters where if you saw them on the street you’d want to go the opposite way. No matter how much you may want to think that you are the exception and this time the relationship is real, it’s not. So don’t even fall for that! It’s a massive trap, the trap of all traps you could say. Even within the movie the characters are starting to think this is legit by the end but we all know the truth. It is absolutely game over instead. Hey that’s just how it goes sometimes.

Overall, Like I said this is a tough film to watch because you’re basically just watching a bunch of antagonists messing with each other the whole time. The writing itself is also super suspect at best. The characters have a awkward way of talking where they have to constantly use full names or last names instead of the first one. One character in particular does this as her quirk and then other characters like John talk exclusively in 2 word mini sentences. You wonder why the characters are all so annoying before you stop caring. At the end of the day this is the kind of drama film that goes for a lot of cheap low hanging fruit to try and keep you interested but fails in the attempt. You could find better drama films in the 1 dollar aisle at Blockbuster.

Overall 2/10

Willow Review

Posted on by
Reply


What if I told you that there was a film out there that was trying to be the next Lord of the Rings? And what if I told you that the film…succeeded? That was definitely the biggest fear imaginable and unfortunately this one pulled off what I didn’t think was possible. This film is 2 hours of nothing as the film desperately tries to bore you out of your mind. The romance, the adventure, the characters, it brought tears to me eyes. It was just so….bad! You’ll be guaranteed to fall asleep while watching this movie and it’s like you just warped ahead 2 hours in time. It’s absolutely crazy.

So the film starts off with one of those opening messages about how there is a prophecy that has scared the ruling class and so all of the babies have to be inspected to make sure they don’t have a special mark. Naturally the villains fumble the bag here so the baby is taken away and found by a group of Dwarves. Most of them are too scared to really do anything and would be quick to abandon her. Even Willow himself is skeptical but he is convinced by his wife to help out. The mage of the land even assigns Willow on a special mission to go and help her out but he has to bring along the classroom bully who would love to get out of there at his first chance. Can they really keep the baby alive?

The film was already at a disadvantage with the whole fantasy setting if we’re being honest here. I already don’t like this kind of old school setting and this is as old as it gets. We’re talking lots of trees and forests and everyone is super poor with no civilization in sight. The magic we’re shown here tends to be rather ordinary stuff and nothing too fancy.

There is nothing fantastic or really interesting about the world. It’s the kind of world that may have a ton of supernatural elements so you never mistake it for the real world and yet it doesn’t do anything exciting with it. For every decent monster design like a two headed worm/dinosaur type thing, you have a bunch of mini humans and talking animals. This is not a film where you will be remembering much and even the strongest beasts tend to go down against normal arrows. When you’re losing to arrows…that is a terrible look. I can’t mince words here, that is a horrible look. You can’t afford to lose to that.

Willow isn’t really much of a great character. For starters he’s not very brave and his magic is no good. Yes, character arcs and such but he needed a stronger beginning for that. The baby is naturally around a whole lot but she’s a baby so it’s not like she can really do anything you know. Then we have the swordsman Madmartigan, who has a cool name but that’s about the only good thing about the guy. He’s absolutely ready to hightail it and run for a while there before eventually coming to the light. He’s the character who is meant to give us the snappy dialogue and bring the comedy up a notch but he doesn’t really have anyone to banter with so that doesn’t work out very well at all.

You definitely see how the film was trying to capitalize on the Hobbit by having the main characters all be like that but it’s just being a copycat without adding anything to the idea. Also, it’s copying a character that I never even liked which doesn’t help matters there. Okay, there still has to be some redeeming quality to the film right? Soundtrack’s out since that was fairly dull but I can at least give a slight thumbs up to the special effects. I liked the skull mask for one of the villains and the two headed monster didn’t look bad. All in all, the effects did their job so I can’t really find any faults with them there.

You’ve got some romance here but even aside from the love potion beginning, it’s just not very strong. Now we do have an extensive climax where the crew are fighting for at least 30 minutes or so. It’s actually a considerable length all the way and we get a lot of action so that’s good…right? I mean it beats the rest of the film but it’s been a while since I’ve seen such a boring action scene either. It goes back to the fantasy element here as even the sword fighting feels very old school. I think it’s because they’re trying to film this like a real sword fight so it comes across like two guys dueling at a tournament. It doesn’t feel very powerful or fast on either end.

That’s a problem and of course the second is that we still don’t really care about any of the characters by this point. Why should we right? They haven’t done anything to show us that we should care about them and that’s a big issue. The villains are also fairly generic as well which is one angle where the film could have tried to take things to the next level but ultimately fell short.

So there really isn’t much to say about the film. The characters aren’t funny and the plot isn’t engaging. You’ll have to really focus to try and stay awake during this title and the long length won’t help matters there. I need a name for this sub genre of fantasy that is going for hyper realism even while having supernatural elements. Because I do like a good fantasy but it has to be bright and vibrant. I want everything to be really smooth, shiny, and just feel like an awesome otherworld. If it’s beat up or too realistic then it just doesn’t have the same impact to it and ultimately ends up falling short.

Overall, Willow is definitely not the film that will change the fantasy genre as we know it. I still think the craziest part of the film is how we have a long action scene for the climax and yet it never manages to be particularly exciting. It’s a lot like Lord of the Rings in that sense so the parallels continue. Ultimately your best bet is to stay far away from this film. It’s one of those fantasy titles that just brings the worst parts of the genre and doesn’t really tackle its strengths. Better luck next time I suppose. I have to assume that the sequel TV show will be at least a little better…I would hope at least.

Overall 2/10

Safe in Hell Review

Posted on by
Reply


When you’ve got a title like this you already know that the main character’s probably stuck in a rather tricky situation. It’s definitely a film where the heroine has to go through a whole lot. There definitely is a lot of tension but I can’t say that it’s the kind that really helps to elevate a film. Ultimately there are very few likable characters here at all and it’s always hard for a film to really survive that.

So the movie starts off with introducing us to Gilda who has had a rough time of things. She has not been able to hold down a steady job for a long time due to one guy who basically blackmailed her into an affair and then his wife found out. So Gilda was blackballed from every industry and ended up becoming a lady of the night. Well, one day that guy returns and Gilda accidentally murders him in self defense. Her boyfriend Carl shows up just in time to save her from the police. While he’s not thrilled about what Gilda has been doing, he takes her to an island to hide from the cops for a while. He’ll go figure something out but she’ll have to stay on the island for at least a month. That wouldn’t be so bad except…this is an island inhabited by a bunch of criminals and degenerated and they’ve all got their sights on her. Can Gilda remain faithful amidst all this temptation and can she even remain safe?

So now you can see how none of the characters are particularly likable. They’re all just throwing themselves at her the whole time despite knowing that she is already with a guy. None of them have much in the way of class at all. Of course some are worse than others. The worst of which is a guy who shows up at the island later on after a plot twist. Definitely the kind of villain you don’t want the heroine to go easy on. Just bump him off and everyone will be happier off for it. He’s the kind of villain who actively brings down the quality of the movie.

Another thing that brings it down is the ending though. It’ really a rough way to go out and I definitely prefer for a movie to have an ending with a bit more hope. You basically have to stomach the fact that the villains won in the end. Perhaps not in all the ways they wanted but they still got a win which is absolutely undeserved. I get the feeling that the film didn’t want Gilda to have a happy ending after the mistakes she made but they were all under rather drastic circumstances. She’s certainly not without fault but is nowhere in the same league as the other characters. The whole film just doesn’t feel all that fair to her at all.

I’d argue Carl should absorb some of the blame here. He ditches her for months at a time on his job which always leaves her to fend for herself. Yeah Carl’s a sailor so he’s gone a lot but it seems like there is absolutely no way to reach him. So when Gilda was out of a job with no hope in the beginning, there was no way to reach Carl. Then when she was stuck on the island, there was no way to contact him easily again. She is constantly left on her own in the absolute worst circumstances. Now she does send a letter later on so there is at least a way to eventually reach him. Maybe she should have trusted him a bit more and reached out sooner but I get why she figured she had to stick it out. Ultimately she does still get more of the blame because she didn’t trust Carl when it counted. Sometimes trying to stick something out by yourself doesn’t work, particularly in a realistic setting like this.

So if she has to have a bad end, then that should apply to the rest of the characters. At least Bruno who ends up being just as demented as the other characters. In fact he was the second worst beyond the first guy. Nothing happening to him is really a shame. It’s like the film could have used an extra segment at the end. It is really short as it stands, the film is barely over an hour. So maybe extend this to 90 minutes and have an epilogue where various characters are taken out. Have a big revenge scene where Carl shows up and blows everyone away.

You could also have just included the moral of trusting him at the end. Instead of doing the false confession to get executed, have her make her speech which is when Carl shows up. Maybe have one of the other hotel guests reveal that he saw the whole thing with her being handed the gun. There are so many ways you could have written around the ending to have her actually make it out of there in one piece and given Bruno the chair instead.

Overall, Safe in Hell is definitely a pretty awful film. It’s one of those never ending stories of misery the whole time with a bad ending to boot. None of the characters do anything to actually help Gilda out which is where the film really fumbles the landing. With this kind of premise you’d assume that by the end most of the guys would actually be decent and would end up defending her. Maybe bumping off the corrupt cops or just lying about the whole thing when the real authorities get there. Just about any of those endings would have been more appreciated. Instead Gilda is consistently punished for her use of self defense in what I would call the most valid situations to use it. Definitely stay as far away from this film as possible!

Overall 2/10

Courage of Lassie Review

Posted on by
Reply


The Lassie films have a long standing reputation of all being rather bad so the question was if this one could finally change things. Well, I am here to report that it could not change thing at all. This is one title that does not surpass its limits or do anything even like that. Instead, it just repeats all of the same mistakes that you are used to seeing from the franchise. It’s unfortunate but not really unexpected. No, if anything you are used to it and we’ll just have to keep on waiting for a good one.

The main dog in this film is named Bill and he’s a nice dog. Bill is a strong dog who can run around a lot but his owners don’t think that he has what it takes to shepherd the sheep when the going gets tough. Kathie wants to prove the world wrong and runs around with Bill to try and prove her point. It was a good attempt at least. Unfortunately Bill is often the subject of bad luck. Over the course of the movie he is run over, shot with a gun, and even gets drafted into the army. While in the army, Bill is sent to an active warzone with bombs flying all over and he gets injured enough to the point where he develops PTSD.

His owner also goes too far in trying to win the day and has Bill continue to move even while he is super injured. This doesn’t help things out either. Bill then becomes so wild that he eats/injures other animals and a warrant is put out for his death. Yeah this dog can’t catch a break. You get the feeling that the film really wanted to up the stakes as much as possible and show how this wasn’t your average Lassie film but my answer to that is it just makes this one that much more. It’s a Lassie film so you are expecting the dog to get shot but why go through all of this other hardship as well?

It makes the whole film rather try hard and edgy. You really didn’t need to see any of that. The drama doesn’t make the film any more engaging or anything. It just holds it back. With this level of animal violence the film never stood a chance. Meanwhile it’s also no that interesting. None of the characters really glue you o the screen. The main character is Kathie and while she means well, she’s too young to do much of anything. Like when Bill is taken away to the army, there is noting she can do. She doesn’t even know what happened to Bill after he vanished for a while there. Then when Kathie does reappear with Bill, one of the first things she does is accidentally disclose his position to the cops which almost proves fatal for Bill.

Naturally it’s not like that’s really her fault as she couldn’t have known but it’s hardly a great look for her either. Then for Bill’s owner at the army, I didn’t like him for the reasons I mentioned earlier. Having Bill continue to fight when he was so injured was not a good look. Bill needed to lie down and recharge, not get right back on the saddle like this. The only decent character was the old man who tried keeping Kathie calm and then tried keeping Bill as a secret in the end. He was old enough to know how the world works and wasn’t just spilling his guts about everything. The guy knew how to keep a secret.

Still, it’s a rather low bar for characters. This is definitely not the kind of film where you expect great characters or anything like that but even more decent ones would have helped. I suppose at best the writing is decent. The characters still talk in the old fashioned way that is always fun. I also thought that the pacing was fairly reasonable. They manage to squeeze in a lot of different locations and characters into a film that’s not overly long or anything. So the movie really knew how to balance its time effectively. It just didn’t have a great story to accompany it.

Now when a film has lost the plot as badly as this one has, I like to add some some advice for how the film could have succeeded. Okay so hear me out, you cut out all injuries that happened to Bill in this film right. Have him go missing one day and so the main characters have to try and find him. Ultimately they end up finding him helping out the US army in bomb detection or something. They take Bill back home as a hero and that’s the movie. It’s still wholesome and has the army subplot and everything. It just ends up being a much more light hearted movie with great moments rather than trying so hard to be a suspenseful tragedy. We don’t need any of those. Extra bonus if you make the main character Lassie instead of Bill since that would work a lot better.

Overall, There’s not a whole lot to say about this film beyond that. It follows through the Lassie formula to the point where this might as well be an edgy reboot. Even the whole joining the army thing has already been done before. I don’t get why the series doesn’t just make a movie that’s all slice of life. Lets just see Lassie running around town and having fun. Yes, Lassie, not some future descendent named Bill. Doesn’t that completely take away from the point of the series? I’m watching the movie to see Lassie, not another dog. I dare say that the title is really clickbait. Yeah you can use it to tie into things later but it’s click bait because the first assumption with that title is that Lassie will be appearing. Definitely skip this film as quickly as you can.

Overall 2/10

Brothers Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Uh oh, it’s time for one of those films where everyone makes so many mistakes that the film can’t possibly make a comeback. You always hope that maybe, just maybe the film is not going in the direction that you expected it to go but ultimately it does and all you can do is watch it happen in real time.

The film starts off by introducing us to two brothers, Sam and Tommy. They are very different people and contrast each other almost completely. Sam is super responsible and is a soldier who goes off into battle to make the world a better place. Tommy tends to be reckless and get drunk, the guy is just coming out of jail for robbery. Well, one day Sam heads off to war and doesn’t come back. He’s said to be dead and so his wife Grace is devastated. Tommy wants to do his best to step up an help out now but the problem is that he ends up falling for Grace. Is this his big chance to finally have her to himself?

So the first thing that completely obliterates the movie right out of the gate is the romance. Look, we all know these things from a young age thanks to the school of common sense. You don’t go after anyone who is dating family. Doesn’t matter if it’s the girlfriend of a sibling, cousin, parents, some third removed uncle, etc. They are completely off limits. I know this next part’s gonna hurt but bear with me on this. There is no time limit on this. Yessss, even if they break up at some point, you are not allowed to be the rebound. I’m afraid that this girl is out of your reach forever now.

You can cry it out for a little while, put some distance and make sure you don’t see this person for a while, etc. However you need to cope, just remember that this is a social rule of complete authority. Me personally, I don’t care much for a lot of social rules. I tend to think a lot of them are outdated but this is one that just makes sense ethically so yeah it still holds up. If you are in love with that person then you better be prepared to internalize that all the way to the grave. This also applies to friends as well by the way. It’s not quite as ironclad there but it’s still something to keep in mind. Don’t go after your friend’s girl either.

So then the question becomes, “If I’m extremely weak willed how do I resist making a move?” Well if you’re so weak willed that you can’t control yourself then obviously you have to move to another country so that you’re never in the same room together. Fortunately most people have at least basic self control so you should be fine. Unfortunately this movie doesn’t go in that direction. Tommy does end up getting together with Grace after they were both flirting for a while and then get drunk. Maybe…..mayyyyybe you shouldn’t be getting drunk with someone who is emotionally vulnerable at the time?

Make no mistake, Grace gets some of the blame to be sure but I’m putting most of this on Tommy. Simply put, it’s way more personal there since he is actually Sam’s brother. That will always carry a bit more weight since we’re talking direct family here. He never should have let things happen and the fact that they stopped afterwards is barely a silver lining. It still happened and permanently destroyed any trust that the relationship could have had for Sam and Grace. So there’s no coming back from that. The film is about Tommy becoming a better person and helping out but this undermines the whole plot.

Meanwhile it also hurts Grace a whole lot. If the film was going to play her up as in a different role where she wanted a new husband because there were bills to pay or she was going to be in debt now then that would still be terrible but at least it would be a plan and not a mistake. You just can’t make these kinds of mistakes so either way it’s a big loss for her. Finally you have Sam and hey…he’s the role model right? The guy you can count on in all situations to make the right decision? Well the film has to drag him through the mud as well.

After he’s captured and tortured for a while Sam is ultimately told to make the big choice. If he murders someone else in cold blood then he can escape and in that moment Sam puts his life above the other guy’s in order to escape. It’s just awful and a jaded look at how humans will ultimately make the wrong call when put under pressure. That’s a big no no in my book. For starters, you already know they’re going to murder and torture him some more after this so why even go out on their terms? Make a move for the gun or something and best case they shoot you in the head as a painless death. Your odds are much better at dying quickly this way.

Maybe you’ll somehow hit the 1 in a billion jackpot and make a comeback but what you don’t do is murder the guy. If we at least got a scene where Sam says he did it because he thought the guy was going to be tortured a lot more and wanted to put him out of his misery then that would at least be worth discussion. Misguided I would argue but there is a very strong and legitimate case to be made for that reasoning. Nah, Sam just did it on the hopes that he could go home.

Unfortunately he has a lot of PTSD after that and the whole affair with Grace and Tommy did not help matters out at all. Ultimately this leads to a fairly explosive climax. A lot is going on and the film’s certainly very loud but the whole thing got way too dramatic. None of the characters were particularly likable by the end. The film would have been better off being an emotional road to recovery type of film. Remove the scene with Grace and Tommy and instead focus on both of them respectfully working to move on and honor Sam’s memory. The real tragedy here is that the movie has a lot of groundwork for that kind of plot and you can see the potential. In the end it just didn’t happen.

There’s also more drama with Tommy’s father putting him down and saying a lot of hurtful things that he can’t take back. That plot could have been handled more tactfully I’d say. The writing is rather over reliant on language so the TV version really had its work cut out for it there. The pacing is okay at least. The film’s rather long but there is a lot to cover. Of course the war scenes tend to be rather violent so when the film isn’t being dramatic and dark you’re seeing the soldiers get tortured. It’s a little hard to enjoy the happy moments at home as a result. This contrast is intentional but it’s not doing the film any favors.

Overall, The moral of this film is really how one mistake can change a person’s entire life. That’s what happened to all 3 of the main characters. They did things that they can’t take back and will have to live with for the rest of their lives. The ending tries to offer a little hope but for the most part I would say that it is a sad ending. Things will never return to the way that they once were. That’s life of course but usually you hope for better circumstances.

Overall 2/10

The Book of Henry Review

Posted on by
Reply


All right it’s time for a film that is definitely ambitious but I’m afraid that it fails on all accounts. When you see this film you immediately know that it’s not going places and I’m afraid that it never manages to make the comeback. This is a film that you definitely want to avoid. Instead of picking up this book to watch, read a classic book somewhere out there like Tim: Defender of Earth.

The movie starts by introducing us to Henry who is an absolute genius. The boy is still very young, yet he is an inventor, stock broker, and does whatever he has to. He is emotionally a little distant compared to other kids due to this but Henry has helped his family out a lot over the years. Unfortunately he has a big problem to get through now that won’t be easy. It turns out that his next door neighbor Glenn is actually a criminal who has been ruining his daughter Sheila’s life. Unfortunately he is the police chief and has a spotless record so nobody is doing anything about this and Sheila’s not really in a position to do anything either. Nobody except for Henry even suspects that something is going on since she rare has visible bruising. Henry decides that in order to save Sheila, he will have to murder Glenn.

Naturally this is a tough undertaking even for a genius like Henry. Additionally he has some medical issues going on as well and isn’t at peak strength. So he has to find a way to murder Glenn without leaving any evidence or causing his family trouble. His mother Susan enjoys playing a lot of shooters throughout the day and just having fun living life while his brother Peter is a normal kid and so he can’t keep up with these life and death stakes. In a way Henry is sort of on his own with this.

The kid genius characters can be a little hard to take seriously at times and I have to admit that this happens for this movie as well. It’s great to see Henry making his family rich and all but when he tries to be serious I just can’t take the scene quite as seriously. He’s a good kid though which is what counts even if he’s not a very interesting character. His brother Peter doesn’t get a lot to do here. He gets some development near the end as he tries his best to help out but his role in the film is effectively filler.

Susan gets a big role as the mother of course. It was a fresh change of pace to see the adult playing video games and having a good time. So often in these films you see the parents just doing work or reading a book but not having any kind of personality or hobbies. If there are hobbies it would be something like golf. So the video games was pretty fun. In a way her plot is about growing up though which goes against this and by the end you wonder if she will be having as much fun.

For obvious reasons within the film’s context she will be serious for a while but hopefully she still keeps up with gaming and all. The idea that it wouldn’t be a serious hobby is a bit dated if you ask me. Unfortunately she looks really bad near the end as the film makes one of the all time classic blunders. Let me put the scenario in this context. You are face to face with an unrepentant monster who is fully prepared to murder you. You have made it clear that his life will be over if he doesn’t murder you and both of you happen to be in the middle of nowhere in the dead of night with no witnesses.

Your only real options here are to murder him or be murdered. The film tries to present the argument for violence never being the way but does so in very sloppy fashion. By all logic Susan should have been obliterated in that scene. So I’d argue her whole climax is poorly written and makes her look like a really bad character. It’s a selfish decision first of all. If she gets bumped off there, then her kid is going to be in a lot of trouble and things will only get worse for Sheila.

It’s one thing if you’re being held at gunpoint to decide not to fight back and just be resigned to your death. It’s another if you have the opportunity to take the gun away and 3 hostages are behind you. The film definitely lost me here…well it lost me more than it already had. The climax is just really bad and there are many times where being a pacifist is straight up the wrong move. This is definitely one of those times.

I’d argue that in general getting drunk a lot at home to the point where the kids can predict it is irresponsible as well but I guess I won’t deduct as many points from her there. In theory at home should be the one place you can drink past your limit if that’s something you want to do. It doesn’t set up a great example, but that’s how it goes. Meanwhile her friend Sheila doesn’t really add much to the film either. Her scene with Henry just ends up being cringe and this felt like Peter where the film was adding a character to bloat the cast a bit even though she had nothing to do.

David gets a randomly rushed romance setup which makes no sense. You can’t really convince me that this would ever work as just seeing him should bring up bad memories for Susan every time. Then you have Christina who you just feel bad for the whole time. She really went through a lot and nobody was being particularly helpful for a while there. The fact that she hasn’t shut down completely and is able to keep up a nice attitude speaks volumes about her good character.

Then you have Glenn as the main villain who is basically just a character written to be super evil so there’s nothing to like there. You’re just rooting for his downfall the whole time. Still, it’s the subplot that destroys the film so in a way you could blame him for making the film no good. Without him I don’t think this would be a smash hit or anything but it would be considerably better. I would also change Henry’s ending a little bit as well and then the score would immediately be tripled. For a long while into the film I was expecting some kind of fakeout even if that would have been really hard to make convincing.

Overall, The Book of Henry is definitely a film that I would recommend staying away from. It ultimately fails by resorting to shock value with the dark Glenn plot as well as Henry’s plight. The film has so much drama and then the characters don’t react to it properly. Particularly with the first plot as there should have been a lot more urgency here and no getting cold feet at the end when you have the chance. The film isn’t always sure what kind of tone it wants to have and ultimately tends to make the wrong choices.

Overall 2/10

Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome Review

Posted on by
Reply


Strap in folks because it’s time for another Mad Max film. These never fail to disappoint me because the series is so big and yet the films always end up being super underwhelming. This one may beat the original but it’s still not a film that is going to stack up all that high. The film is very dreary the whole time without any big fight scenes to really take it to the next level.

The film starts out with Max getting punked as his vehicle is stolen and so he makes his way to a town that is ruled by violence! They have the famous Thunderdome where you have to fight someone to the death. Max is tough but these guys have a lot of strength too. There are two factions trying for control here. The first group is the one who actually runs the place, Master who is protected by his bodyguard Blaster. Then you have Aunty who has dreams of ruling the place but no way to usurp the throne yet. So she asks Max for help and he agrees so he can get his car and get out of there. Was that a wise move?

The film’s title of being beyond the Thunderdome is pretty accurate since we don’t spend much time in the ring at all. Max is out of there fairly quick as he becomes a runaway and then bumps into a tribe of lost kids. These kids have been waiting for the prophecy of someone like Max to come and save them. They have images of the old world and what the Earth used to be like and that has basically turned into legendary stories over the years. Max breaks it to them gently and works with them to stop the other villains.

Here’s one of the big problems with the Mad Max films in general, you have no real reason to care about the plot. Most of these characters are as generic as they come and there is no real escape. The whole world has already been completely obliterated and even if you escape one group, another one will find you before long. Nobody is trying to rebuild society or anything. There is no progress of that from the first film to the last. If anything I’d say it’s gotten worse. At least in the first film you would still see some semblances of humanity. Now it’s all empty desert which I’m guessing is due to climate change or something.

It’s a world that has given up on being saved and so you just don’t really care at this point. There are no particularly likable characters here and just about everyone is corrupt. The kids aren’t evil yet of course but you doubt that they will be able to become upstanding citizens when they do grow up. Assuming they even live that long with how rough things are. The Mad Max universe is like if everyone was forced to permanently be barbarians until the end of time. As if time never actually moved forward because well it can’t. Without someone trying to change things then we will forever be stuck in the era.

It’s a setting that didn’t work the first time and it doesn’t work now. The film is super grim and while this one is less explicit than some of the other titles, it’s still rather painful. Nobody has a good quality of life here and I can’t think of any real happy scenes here. It goes without saying that Max very rarely smiles but unless you count evil smiles, nobody else is really smiling either. So as the viewer…what is left for me? Not much……not much at all.

The special effects aren’t anything to write home about and I can’t think of any good themes either. The big fight between Blaster and Max isn’t even good because it’s really just a lot of jumping. The way it works in the ring, you use any weapon that you get and you are on a harness so you can jump around a lot. It means there isn’t a ton of actual fighting going on. This is good for Max because it’s made very clear that he wasn’t going to last long in a straight fight against such a built guy. On the other hand, you still could have had some good choreography and martial arts if you really wanted to. Unfortunately the film did not want to do that and so that means there weren’t even a bunch of great fights here.

Then I’m not typically a big fan of kids in these things either and this didn’t exactly change that. The kid mean well but they can’t really fight or anything so they’re not all that helpful for the most part. They help with sheer numbers and back up Max by the end but I definitely could have done without that whole plot. Look, in a film like this I can usually at least jump on the movie having a bunch of animal violence, fanservice, or other issues but at least there’s something to really dive into.

Part of the problem with this film is there aren’t even a bunch of topics to tackle like that. There’s nothing you’re super invested in getting into because the film is just boring. The next Mad Max has more to jump into because it’s a much worse film but the Thunderdome? There’s just not much point to it at all. The whole film should have been about the Thunderdome, at least then we would have a tournament even if my hopes would be extremely low. I have serious doubts that the film would really be able to deliver with the big fights here.

Overall, Mad Max Beyond the Thunderdome is definitely not very good. It’s not as crazy as some other titles in the series to be sure but it’s just so boring. You just really don’t care about anything and this has to be one of the blandest dystopia worlds that I’ve ever seen. Give me some high tech devices or something at the very least. I want a cool character or something. Maybe throw in some witty banter? We get absolutely nothing like that. There’s seriously not a single interesting thing about the movie so skip this at all costs.

Overall 2/10

Kingdom of the Spiders Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for a story about evil spiders so you know that this is going to be intense. Spiders do not hold back and I can tell you that from experience. I personally don’t think they’re quite as scary as the movies would have you believe but then again I’ve never come face to face with one of those huge ones in real life. I’ve only been around the smaller variety. This movie is a pretty intense thriller through and through with a really solid ending but the characters are not amazing and there is some serious plot armor here.

Okay so the story starts off with Rack messing around. He’s probably the best doctor in this small town in part because he’s the only one. When a horse dies from some venom randomly he’s kind of puzzled but calls in an expert. Diane shows up and explains that it was a spider bite but Rack doesn’t take her seriously for a moment and keeps flirting with her. He’s also busy flirting with another girl but gets mistaken for his dead brother which ruins that moment. Rack just wants romance! So he keeps trying with everyone but what the town really needs is for someone to focus because the death count starts to increase. Even the farm dog gets murdered which the film added as a little punch to the gut for any viewers who were hoping for a high quality experience. It turns out that Diane was right and an army of spiders are approaching to destroy everyone, all around the world. They’re going to destroy everyone Rack loves, starting with the people in the town. Can he stop them?

Now while I give Rack a lot of grief for being a completely patronizing, irresponsible jerk, things wouldn’t have changed much even if he took the threat seriously from the start. The reason comes down to a numbers advantage, there are millions and millions of spiders running around. They can tank fire by going underground and they can run really fast. Short of nuking the area or something like that you are not going to defeat them. The mayor wants to use some strong chemicals but aside from the fact that it would end up hurting a lot of humans as well, the spiders may be immune because they are mutant types.

So the town was always doomed. What was a bit surprising is that we actually see a large part of the fight onscreen. Usually you see the aftermath or something but no we see the spiders jumping people and taking them down. It’s a little hard to buy at face value but the film does put in some work to make it a little more plausible. For example, one bite is enough to seriously start to paralyze you and if you hit the ground then you’ll die right away because of the endless bites. So your best bet is not to get hit at all or to get bit once while running and the adrenaline will help you out.

It’s pretty tragic if anything seeing everyone get taken down though. The climax gets surprisingly violent with everyone being eaten alive. Even the mayor/sheriff had a bit of a grisly end there. I don’t know why people were trying to stop his car though except to doom them all. Like those people are already dead men walking so at least let this guy escape right? Ah well I suppose that wasn’t in the cards. Now the film does bend this law a bit though which is where the plot armor comes in.

So as I explained if you are bitten then it’s game over. You can just throw in the white flag because there is no getting away from this right? Wrong! Rack gets bit a ton of times and then hits the floor. By everything we’ve seen in the film that means he is dead and yet somehow he gathers up enough energy to recover and rejoin the rest of the cast. The scene made absolutely no sense and was completely annoying. You can’t just have plot armor like that for no reason. If they said he was a poison expert or something and was already immune for the most part then that would be fine but there’s no reason he should be alive here. I just can’t accept that.

It doesn’t help that he’s such a bad character too. The guy doesn’t take anything seriously and having more than one romance plot in the same movie is always a massive thumbs down. This guy’s not loyal nor is he trustworthy. You would not want to be paired with him because ultimately he’ll just see you as the next romance partner. It’s why Diane ended up being disappointing as she quickly ended up liking him anyway. There was no reason for that.

It’s too bad because the idea of trying to shelter in a house while spiders try to break in from all sides is pretty tense. The film just doesn’t execute particularly well. Any film with animals attacking you is likely to be a dicey one as that can quickly go into animal violence but it doesn’t need to happen. Why even have the dog appear at all? It’d be nice if the spiders had not gone after any animals and were just shredding the humans. They shouldn’t have any beef with the other wildlife right?

All that aside, the ending is really good though. It makes for a solid cliffhanger and is like something out of Resident Evil. The true horrors still await the main cast and you know that they are not in a good spot. I would argue that they aren’t quite doomed yet though. Given that the spiders are small I feel like you should be able to just make a break for it. They can’t bite you through your sneakers and if you run hard enough none of them should be able to climb up your pants. The tough part is just finding out how widespread these things are. If they go on for too long then you will get tired and eventually die but if not, then you have a chance. A sequel would have been very interesting here.

Overall, The Kingdom of the Spiders makes for an intense thriller but ultimately it made too many mistakes to get a passing grade. Having better characters would have gone a very long way to be honest because then you’re more invested in seeing the characters do well and overcome the audience. Without that it just feels like you aren’t going to be quite as engaged with the whole adventure and I wouldn’t really recommend this to anyone. It’s an interesting premise….but that’s not enough to save it.

Overall 2/10

Jeopardy Review

Posted on by
Reply


So this is one of those rare noir films that I really didn’t like. The plot was a little suspect from the jump and then the execution basically went the way that I was hoping it wouldn’t. By the end of the film you’re going to be pretty annoyed and not even the ending can help you feel satisfied here. Definitely a film you want to avoid at all costs!

The film starts off with Helen getting ready to enjoy a nice vacation with her husband Doug and their son Bobby. It was going to be a lot of fun but unfortunately her husband gets stuck under a bunch of wood and high tide is approaching. If he can’t get out in time then he will drown. There aren’t any supplied at the hut so Helen has to try and find some people to get a rope but they are in the middle of nowhere and time is ticking. She bumps into a guy named Lawson who offers to help but what she doesn’t realize is that he’s a wanted murderer and has no intentions of saving her husband. What can she do?

As you can guess Lawson is basically a grade A jerk who is just in it for himself. He’s a full antagonist here and basically spends the film blackmailing Helen into having an affair with him. So in order words he’s completely taking advantage of her and it’s some of the scummiest behavior you can do. Helen feels like she can’t say no to his advances or her husband will certainly be dead and this guy relishes the power that it gives him. The film would already be dead on arrival at this point because such a plot is just absolutely terrible.

Where the film sinks even lower is by not even portraying him as a full villain. Later on he starts to play the mind games of how Helen actually likes him and then she wavers and starts to feel like this too. Even by the end she is willing to run off with him as gratitude…..what? This guy was totally going to ditch Doug and the fact that he helped at the end doesn’t mean she should suddenly ditch her husband like that. The ending is awful but this whole plot was handled poorly. The film needed to condemn Lawson as being 100% in the wrong and a total psychopath. Not try to make him sympathetic and lonely by the end. I wasn’t buying it one bit.

Unfortunately that romance is a massive part of the film so there’s really no getting around it. To call it an uncomfortable romance would be an understatement and you’re rooting for the cops to show up and blow the guy away already. That would have been a super satisfying ending and I’d have been cheering. Instead the film takes a very cautious approach to how it all ends. My view is that he got taken out but I would have liked it to have been clearer.

The film ends up dragging a whole lot due to all of these scenes so this feels like a very long noir title. In part this is probably also due to how small the cast is so a lot of the scenes are filled with dialogue. That would work with likable characters but falls flat otherwise. We needed more action here to distract from the story like a few gun fights or something. Maybe even some long chase scenes.

So while Lawson is the worst character here, Helen also loses a lot of points. Obviously I’m not deducting points away from her when she was basically being forced to stick around or her husband would be destroyed. Where she falters massively is in how undecided she is and how she doesn’t condemn this guy for being so awful. Helen actually seems worried about him and feels bad for Lawson when there is no reason too. So yeah stockholm syndrome hit her real fast.

The best parts of the film are really centered around Doug and Bobby. Even while Doug is close to drowning and knows that he’s in a lot of danger, he keeps up a brave face for his son. He tries to prepare Bobby for what’s about to happen so he can stay safe as the tide comes up. It’s got to be tough not to start panicking when you’re approaching a slow death like this but Doug never loses his resolve.

He easily has the most fortitude out of all the characters and sees the big picture right from the start. He also tries a few plans to get out from under the rubble but ultimately there was just too much wait so it simply wasn’t possible. Bobby doesn’t do great here but he’s a little kid so it’s not like you can blame him much. He does try his best like making a coffee for Doug even if it doesn’t come out well. So at least the effort is there.

Overall, This is a pretty awful movie. It’s basically about stockholm syndrome but there are so many better ways that it could have been handled. I feel like the movie underestimated just how bad the scenes made Lawson look. He was completely irredeemable, not just some misunderstood soul who’s been out of luck. I think a remake could definitely execute on this premise a whole lot better but in the meantime definitely take a pass on this one. The Noir genre is chock full of much better films all around so pick one of those and you’re set. This one is better left forgotten.

Overall 2/10

The Thing Review

Posted on by
5

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time to look at one of the most iconic horror movies out there. It’s definitely really intense all the way through with a lot of tension and intrigue the whole time. Ultimately it does fall flat due to some unfortunate animal violence and a monster design that leaves a lot to be desired. The film has a core premise that could work if we could get a redo on this someday with a future remake.

The film starts off by introducing us to MacReady and a group of researchers in Antartica. It’s a rather isolated place but these guys are used to it. One day a nearby squad seemingly goes insane as they try to murder a dog and so the heroes take them out. Did the cold weather get to them? No, it appears that a monster is afoot and it can shapeshift as the person it is controlling. This means that any one of the heroes or even more than one are currently aliens in disguise. Is there any way to find out who the culprits are or will distrust doom the squad right off the bat?

There are a lot of suspects here as there are quite a few characters. Additionally just because someone isn’t being controlled in one scene doesn’t mean that he won’t be taken over later on. Any time a character leaves the screen for a prolonged amount of time you have to consider that he may have been compromised and that’s a very dangerous proposition for the other characters. The alien is definitely impressive as it allows the subject to perfectly keep his personality and reason so by all accounts you can’t really tell externally. Additionally the alien is still plotting your death all the while.

So it’s like a live action adaption of Among Us in some ways. I would even say the intrigue is stronger than Invasion of the Body Snatchers which has a similar premise. Having the characters be stuck in Antarctica is a good idea as well because it means there is really no escape. So either you end up taking out the aliens or you get consumed. There are no other options here and the movie keeps this tension up all throughout the movie. So why did it fumble in the end?

Well the main thing here that ends up hurting is of course the animal violence. The Thing starts by murdering most of the dogs and then absorbing the others. One of them ends up getting shot as well and of course they’re all trapped within the cage so when the Thing shows up they can’t even escape. The whole thing’s pretty depressing there and the film should have just had The Thing taking the humans over from the jump. That would have been a whole lot better and then you’d avoid this landmine entirely. The whole scene with the dogs is pretty explicit.

Then you have the creature design as well which isn’t as cool as it needed to be. It’s a slippery mess of tentacles running around and it almost looks like it’s in pain the whole time. It has a cool looking dinosaur mode near the very end but for the most part it just looks like a way less impressive version of Biollante. Give me a more solid monsters to get behind. His attacks were impressive but even then the effects make it look more gross than impressive. It should have looked a whole lot more impressive.

The characters tend to be on the better side though. MacReady is the lead and he knows when it’s time to get serious and stop playing games. He takes command towards the end by force and it makes sense since he actually has a plan while the others would just keep on fighting and not getting anywhere. Considering that the alien is around as well, there is no real time for democracy here. You either take the lead or you end up going down. Using dynamite as a hostage was a great idea since nobody could try and blow him up at that point.

Childs is someone who gives MacReady a tough time for most of the film. Mainly because he also knows they can’t trust anyone and he got some really strong circumstantial evidence that made him really distrust MacReady. I couldn’t really blame him there because the evidence did look pretty bad. Childs is quick on his feet and does pretty well otherwise. Blair is the character I didn’t like because he completely cracks at one point and only makes things worse for everyone. He’s extremely annoying as a result. I do wonder if maybe it’s just that he was being controlled from the jump but I don’t feel like the movie was really implying that. It would have been interesting but that’s more of a baseless theory.

The film is able to juggle a fairly big cast pretty well by giving each character their own full personality and keeping them memorable. So even as the bodies begin to pile up there are enough characters around to keep everyone scrambling. It also makes the place look even more empty and remote as more and more characters keep falling. If you’re claustrophobic then this movie will be extra intense for you and certainly you won’t be thrilled to go to Antarctica after that.

The ending is definitely pretty excellent. Naturally I do suspect one of the two characters in particular based on some events that happened near the end but keeping it open ended is part of what makes this an effective way to close out the movie. I can’t help but think that a full on sequel would really be a lot of fun though. Have the creature get loose in a major city or something with everyone scrambling to stop him. That would just be so much fun right? It would be more of an action than a thriller at that point but it would work.

Overall, The Thing is a movie where I can definitely see how it’s really well liked. There are some things to enjoy here like the tension I keep talking about and the mystery angle. Not being able to trust anyone is definitely a good way to keep you engaged the whole time. Ultimately the film just went too far in trying to be disturbing as well with the design and the dog scenes which prevented this from being a smash hit. My advice would unfortunately be to give this film a skip, they should have just had the alien jump in as a human from the jump and that could have really gone a long way.

Overall 2/10