Tag Archives: Blood Sucking

Bram Stoker’s Dracula Review

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Uh oh it’s time for another Dracula film. By now you know that most of these Dracula movies are pretty bad. I think part of the problem is that there just isn’t a whole lot that you can do with this vampire. Blood sucking will always be annoying at best and rather gross at worst. Then mix that in with the main characters being generally inept and you aren’t going to be in for a good time. By now the story is also rather stale so yeah it loses on all fronts.

The film starts with Jonathan heading over to meet Dracula on some real estate business as usual. He ignores all of the red flags because his family really needs the money. Unfortunately this proves to be a fatal error as he is attacked by Dracula’s vampire wives. Unlike other Dracula incarnations who command respect, he has to actually physically stop them here since they took a bit to actually listen to his orders. They get their win shortly afterwards but not before Dracula heads out to take down Jonathan’s fiancé as well as her friend. Can anybody stop this guy?

Of course not! What do you think this is??? I mean sure he’ll be taken down eventually but not before he causes a lot of chaos. That’s always the annoying thing about these films. You have to slowly watch him do some blood draining and take the heroes down before anybody is actually able to stop him. That’s where it just gets annoying the whole time and the scenes take forever. The film also squeezes in some fanservice here. Lets just say that the scene is played up quite a bit and Dracula is doing some unnecessary stuff during the biting.

There are no coincidences here and so the film is going extra hard in making everyone look bad. I would say even among Dracula movies this one is particularly weak. There is really no reason to watch it. The movie gets excessively violent, the fanservice is poor, and there are no great characters. Even Dracula as I mentioned doesn’t get the usual amount of respect you would think. He doesn’t look very imposing, if anything he seems confused at times. You feel like the heroes could take him down if they would move a bit quicker.

There’s at least one scene where Van Helsing has the cross at the ready but throws it away so Dracula gets the upper hand. Yeah he had a hostage at the ready but that’s when you charge forward. Naturally Dracula continues going about his business once the cross is away so the heroes earned nothing there. It’s why the hostage dilemma can be difficult of course since it is often a lose-lose situation but it was particularly annoying here.

Jonathan is particularly awful though. Early on he has the chance to destroy Dracula when he goes up to the coffin but he hesitates for some bizarre reason which gives the henchman enough time to take him out. Next time you have the lord of darkness in your sights you really need to finish the job. Like what are you even doing by that point? You have to lock in and take care of business. It’s the only way forward.

There’s not much to say about Lucy and Mina here. They basically exist to get wrecked by Dracula the whole time as they can’t muster up any willpower. Arthur is also annoying because of course he falls asleep on the job and is generally unhelpful until the end. He may have some enthusiasm but he is lacking in overall skills and ability which are just as important. Without those he ends up just being lost in the grand scheme of things which isn’t helpful to anyone.

Van Helsing at least knows what he is doing. Again he doesn’t always handle the situation well but I give him some points for the attempts. Without him the heroes wouldn’t be doing much of anything. He’s just going through the motions for the most part though, I prefer the adaptions where he is a little crazier and willing to go to extreme method to stop Dracula. Lets see this guy cut loose and everything you know? That would be way better.

Not that there was ever any chance for this film to be good though. Lets just face it, it was always going to be a pretty bad movie and there’s no real way to avoid that. It’s not impossible to make a good Dracula movie, in fact it’s been done a few times. You have to try really hard though because you are starting at a disadvantage and I didn’t feel that the film did a particularly good job here. There are also so many Dracula films that I feel as the writer you need to at least try and differentiate yourself a bit. This one didn’t really do that at all.

At least the film’s not super long so I can say that about it. Is that really the only positive? Well…yeah. I mean what other good things are there to say about this one? The characters are annoying and Dracula doesn’t make for a good villains. All of the characters are supremely annoying so you are just shaking your head the whole time. Dracula also needs a better motivation. He’s basically draining all of these girls because he wants romance or just enjoys the power? One of them reminds him of his wife but he must not have loved her a ton if he’s rebounding like this. He comes across as a desperate guy who isn’t even remotely likable and I can’t stress enough how bad that makes him look. That’s one of the worst kinds of motivations that a villain can have.

Overall, This was a pretty bad Dracula movie. It falls into all of the usual issues around a vampire film like this without having any hook to keep you interested. Maybe throw us some big fights showing off Dracula’s super abilities or have some kind of government plot. Maybe have the army try to take him down? Things like that could at least give you something to sink your teeth into instead of effectively watching the same movie again. To be honest it’s unlikely it would give the film many more points but every little bit helps. Definitely avoid this film as much as possible.

Overall 1/10

Kiss of the Vampire Review

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Oh no, it’s a vampire film! Uh ohhhhhhhhh. Well this one mostly plays things straight with the main guy not being very smart and the main heroine being super susceptible to mind control. None of them play things very smart here and the local vampire expert has better things to do than try to keep the heroes safe. Fortunately the villains aren’t very brave either aside from the main vampire but there’s not much to salvage here. It’s just a B grade vampire movie and most are at that level by default so that’s saying something.

So the movie starts with Gerald and Marianne hitting a speed bump on their travel destination. They have just been married recently and were looking forward to a lot of fun but now that’s not going to happen. Gerald tells Marianne to stay in the carriage in this unknown place that they have never been before while he goes around and searches for help. Fortunately nothing happens her and they find a nearby inn of sorts. It’s kind of empty and the owner Bruno and his wife are a bit odd. Bruno seems happy enough but the place is empty and nobody wants to talk about it.

Ah well, they just need to be here for a day right? Well, apparently the damage to the carriage is extensive and it will take several days to fix but fortunately the rich Dr. Ravna has invited them over to his house. A cranky old guy named Zimmer warns them not to go but when asked why he basically shrugs and storms off. At Ravna’s house his son Carl overtly flirts with Marianne the whole time but Gerald barely reacts except for some half hearted remarks. Does he realize that they have just stepped foot into the vampire’s den?

I have a lot of problems with the film but it all starts with the main character. Now it’s good not to be too possessive. That’s a definite and jumping into action because Marianne is talking with Carl isn’t a big issue at first. Once Carl starts inviting Marianne to parties and such without including Gerald is where you have to draw the line. Instead he immediately lets a lady named Sabena get him drunk and while he says all the right things as she leads him up to her room you feel like it’s just bluster and he was already under her heel from the start. Not a good look for this guy….not a good look at all.

So yeah he’s a pretty bad main character and he spends the whole film getting absolutely devastated in every scene. Even when Marianne vanishes this guy can’t react properly because he’s so drunk and is slipping all over the place. Yeah the drink was spiked but that’s why you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol like that anyway. Especially when the situation seemed suspicious from the jump. Gerald still tries to help when he can but it’s often futile.

As for Marianne, my complaints are mainly the same as they are for Gerald. She lets herself be pushed around way too easily the whole time. She should have told Carl to back off after a while. Additionally the way she is tricked near the end is embarrassing. You’re telling me that she can mix up her husband just by having someone wear a mask? That doesn’t speak very well to their bond. It’s not like they look that alike and the whole being super silent thing should have raised some warning bells as well. The film doesn’t go over very well for her.

As for Ravna, well he’s less depraved than some of the other vampire villains that I’ve seen but there’s not much to him. He’s content to rub his victories in the face of the main character but what even are his goals beyond random destruction? He has a huge cult following him so why not just break into the inn and slaughter everyone at night? He goes through a lot of stealth and theatrics but when you have an army that all seems rather moot. Granted, his army was rather awful to be honest as they panicked about everything the whole time but the numbers advantage should still be enough. Instead he did not put himself in a position to win and squandered his super powers.

Carl and Sabena are basically just here to mess with the leads and none are particularly likable. If the main characters could stand up for themselves more then they’d be fine. Then there’s no way to like Bruno as the guy is so afraid of the vampires that he basically runs the inn as a way to get more sacrifices for them. Ever think about just driving away during the daytime when they can’t move? It’s really not that complicated here and taking a chance is better than being an executioner like this. In a way it makes him just as bad as the others.

Finally you have Zimmer and it’s great that he knows a whole lot but the guy couldn’t be more vague if he tried. Yeah he tells the heroes not to go but refuses to give any more info than that. He only finally helps a bit during the end of the film and it turns out that he knows magical ritual spells which is super handy. So it’s great to have him around as a result but really is that the best he can do? He waited until just about everyone was taken down so that was really late. There’s also a moment when the vampires visit the main duo in the daytime so Zimmer comes in to stir up trouble but why not just lock the front door or something? They only barely escaped with a few seconds left and that’s because Zimmer showed up and reminded them about the light. The whole scene was very questionable.

As always you have all the blood sucking and everything here too. Everyone is getting drained and the humans can’t do much to stop them. The film can be a little violent with the deaths as Hammer films like you to really see the stabs. The first scene while a bit funny with how everything played out definitely started the film out on a violent note with Zimmer taking one of the vampires down. The movie is quick paced and doesn’t waste a lot of time but the main characters being so unlikable in addition to the vampires not being very interesting made for a losing formula. I’d say to avoid this title.

Overall 3/10