Rabid Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

There are some movies where right from the jump you know it’s going to be a miss and this is one of those. You’ll be shaking your head the whole time here because this vampire type film just isn’t it. The world doesn’t handle the threat very well and the whole film is going for grim violence the whole time. It’s basically a B grade slasher film but in all the wrong ways.

The movie starts with Rose and Hart driving down the road at massive speeds. They are defying destiny to try and make them crash and sure enough they run off the road and do in fact crash. Hart has a lot of broken bones but he’s mainly okay while the same cannot be said for Rose. She is taken to a nearby hospital where they run a very experimental surgery on her. Basically their justification was that she was not going to last otherwise but the head also needed quick results because funding wasn’t going well. Unfortunately while the surgery was a success, it came at a great cost.

See, by mistake the surgery gave Rose a giant stinger in her armpit which she could now use to destroy everyone in her way. She no longer has a taste for real food and only seeks to consume the living. Whoever she drains becomes a zombie and this infection continues to spread. Basically she is patient zero and the only silver lining of this is that she keeps some semblance of free will while everyone else becomes mindless zombies. She’s always hungry now too so she bumps a lot of people off and then afterwards it is unclear just how much she knows about it. See, she knows enough that she wants to always get away from her friends to murder a stranger instead but then seems to have headaches and isn’t totally sure of herself. It’s almost like a split personality but that may be giving her too much credit and she was just trying to make the whole situation look like that.

Regardless that is basically the entire plot in a nutshell. Rose goes around murdering everybody and nobody can figure out how to stop her because nobody even knows that she is the one doing it. She always waits until only her victim is in the room and then she makes her move. Whether it’s a poor girl just trying to have a refreshing swim or a doctor who leans in too close, Rose takes them all down. Often times the people she’s destroying aren’t even bad people which is the most tragic part like the truck driver who was just trying to help out. They all meet rather gruesome ends before the adventure concludes.

The movie is rather unrelenting in that respect. There is always something sinister or dark happening at all times and so the viewer can’t catch a break. There is no time for lighthearted banter or any really happy scenes to be honest. Instead we just see the world descending into chaos. They also squeeze in some animal violence of course as Rose goes after a cow or a horse. I forget which but of course she can’t control her hunger again and this is why she has to be considered as one of the main antagonists here. In the end she could not control her abilities at all and that was a big problem.

She also makes some very bad mistakes like at the end deciding to prove her innocence by trying a blood transfusion with someone. It’s great to test out a theory but she didn’t have any kind of safety precautions and so it’s really as if she just blew herself up. There was never going to be a positive outcome from all of that and that was the problem here. It just makes for a really dark ending and ends the film on a super sour note. Not that the film had any hope left by this point mind you but at least having a decent ending would have been nice. Instead the film is doubling down on making everything as tragic as possible which is definitely unfortunate. Not what you want to see from a title like this.

Hart also has almost no point in this film. Rose may as well have been driving by herself in the intro. He barely appears until midway where he runs in to call her a monster and runs off. By the time he cools down it’s already too late for Rose. Rose’s roommate did a better job of being there for her and even then she was doomed from the jump. In this film nobody is really safe and all you can do is make a run for it or you will probably be devoured next. Now is there anything I can say in favor of the film?

Unfortunately no, but I can at least say that the concept of having a stinger in your armpit is unique. Not even sure if I would say it’s unique in a good way but it’s a premise I had never thought of before and will probably never think about again. It’s just so weird but that’s the kind of idea that can make you rich if it’s handled right. This one just wasn’t and the film gets lost in the sauce really quick.

What the film should have done was to focus on the world at large a bit more and how they were handling it. Of course one governor just said they should shoot the infected while a lot of other people were panicking but focusing on the government a lot could have been fun. Lets see what they think about all of this. Sure, the virus is spreading fast but the zombies are really slow right now so you don’t figure that they should be a big threat at any rate. Just take them out and all it a day. I want to see a zombie invasion film from the start of when it was happening for once and how the government handles it. I think there is a whole lot of possibility there. Perhaps it will be negated by all the blood sucking and zombie eating but maybe it could pull this premise off.

Overall, Rapid is a film to stay away from without a doubt. The whole time you’re watching it you will be realizing that there are much better films to check out. Nobody has heard of this film for a good reason. It’s just not that good and certainly ahs not aged well either. This is not the kind of film you would ever rewatch either and so in the end what that means is that you will be shaking your head here the whole time. I don’t know where I would start in trying to tell someone how to do a good remake of this one so instead I’ll just say that the whole premise is probably doomed and you shouldn’t even attempt to make a movie like this.

Overall 0/10

Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist Review

This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Wait we’re back to the Exorcist again? Not to be outdone by the third film, this one adds animal violence, nazi’s, and an evil tribe here to cause some trouble. Now I would say that the third film is nothing if not competitive when going to the bottom and still does end up surpassing this one as being worse but Dominion put up a good fight and nobody can take that away from it. There aren’t many exorcisms here at all as we’ve come to expect from the series since that was mainly focused on in the first but we still get a dramatic finish with a lot of yelling.

So the movie starts with the Nazi’s rushing in to terrorize a small village. First they make sure to break father Merrin by having him choose 10 sacrifices and it was all a cruel test to break his spirit and resolve. Merrin changed paths to being a travelling architect as he digs around in ruins that may have some religious ties. Well this time he is accompanied by Father Francis as the group is worried about Merrin. Turns out that they should have been worried about the whole village. See the temple was protecting them from the devil demon and now he’s here to destroy them all. He decides to inhabit Cheche, a guy who can’t really talk much and suffered a grave injury but is healing really quickly. The heroes are going to need to watch out now.

It’s hard to know where to begin with this one. Almost immediately when the film starts up we see a bunch of people torturing an animal to weaken him up for being a sacrifice and it reminds you of what a cruel practice that is. Any cruelty to animals is always awful and so right away you’re not really rooting for the village at all. Merrin and the translator Chuma try to defend the practice but to no avail. It’s definitely something that should be completely outlawed by force if necessary. There are animals dying and being injured throughout the film and that definitely serves to ensure that the film never gains any momentum. It is quickly stripped away whenever that may be close to happening.

There also aren’t many likable characters here at all. The only one who seemed decent was father francis but of course he is powerless to stop the demon. The holy water doesn’t do much and when he tries to read the scriptures he is promptly taken down. You would think that he would have moved faster with the water when the demon was waking up though. Just push his head into the water or something, don’t want and dramatically drop a few driplets on him. I always thought this is something the heroes should do more of, forget the small sprinkling and just chug a gallon of the stuff at him. It would be way more effective in theory.

Unfortunately a big part of the movie is about how the demon’s influence eventually catches up to everyone and that happens here as well. Basically just by existing the demon turns people evil and so the humans start to turn on each other. There’s this whole subplot where the British come in with an army and start shooting the tribe members to enact revenge on them. The divide between the two gets worse as the film goes on and then at one point a tribe member murders a bunch of kids so that they can’t learn from Father Francis anymore.

There aren’t really any winners here. By the end of the film everyone is really broken. There’s the main heroine Rachel who stays strong for a while but then also gets corrupted. One of the worst scenes for Merrin is when she shows up and effortlessly seduces him while he was on the trail of the demon. Not the best time to be tempted and you’d think that he would have held strong here. Well, actually I’m not sure how much confidence I really had in the guy to be honest but he still disappointed me there.

Merrin gets to sort of relive the past thanks to the demon and try some other things out but ultimately there was no easy way to get out of the situation. He definitely shouldn’t have sold the 10 people out though. It was a really bad situation but honestly the best thing to do there is make a play for the gun and hope for the best. Sometimes there are no perfect ways out of a scenario and you just have to try your best. By the end of the film Merrin gets his confidence back at least.

The character you probably feel the most sorry for here is Chuma the whole time. It’s rough being a translator because half the time you are having to translate messages that are no fun for anybody and as a result you’re in the line of fire now. If I was him I definitely would have gotten out of there real fast after a while. Unfortunately there probably aren’t many opportunities in the area so leaving is a risk all on its own but anything surely has to be better than staying there right? At least it feels like that would be the case.

This film does remember that it’s supernatural and isn’t trying to hide it most of the time like in III so we do get some decent visuals at times. The green light as everything got trippy near the end was pretty intense. I also liked the clock that appeared in one scene but I have to admit that the effects were so bad that the scene was unintentionally a bit funny. Just a bit mind you but I was starting to crack up. It just made for a really funny visual even if that was not the intent.

The demon’s final form was also the opposite of intimidating even when his face would turn pale like a true demon’s. It’s just not easy to take him seriously as a great villain but they never are in these films. If the characters would just grab some guns and rock the guy you feel like he would go down. Temporarily I suppose since you can never seem to truly get rid of them.

There just isn’t much to enjoy here as with the other Exorcist films. The whole thing is so dark, dreary, and relentless. The heroes don’t have much of a chance at stopping the demon for a while because they don’t even know that they’re fighting one. By the time they do there are so many dead bodies that the heart of the village is gone.

Overall, This is another film to avoid for sure. An exorcist prequel just didn’t need to exist, much less two of them. At least this one has a decent ending, in fact I would say it easily beats the rest since it’s actually happy if anything. I suppose that’s the benefit of being a prequel since you can’t just bump everyone off or ends things rather grimly. I suppose they could have and suddenly the film wouldn’t be canon but that’s a very risky move at best. In theory it’s all uphill from here but we’ll see if that’s actually the case or not for the series.

Overall 0/10

The Exorcist III Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

We’re back into the world of the Exorcist…oh nooooooo! Yeah that means we’re in for quite the ride here as the film mainly drags on endlessly with the villain giving a lot of ramblings about not much at all. You’ll quickly realize that the film’s not going to be a satisfying watch except the knowledge that it’s over. There are no more sequels….yet.

So the film kicks off with introducing us to Kinderman who will be the main character this time. He’s a police lieutenant and he’s seen a lot of things over the years. The world has fallen to ruin and evil seems to run rampant at this time. His friend Dyer tries to help him see that things aren’t so bad but fails completely due to a new serial murderer showing up. He claims to be the original Gemini killer from long ago and he is possessing the body of Damien. Not the same Damian from a certain other horror series but I had fun treating this as a bit of a crossover tbh. Kinderman knows this can’t be Gemini but at the same time how is this guy pulling off all of these murders from his cell? Is he getting someone to let him out at night? It’s time to crack this mystery!

Now if the film wasn’t called “The Exorcist” then you may figure the main character has a chance. Grab all of the clues and just find out whoever the main villain is. Find the method of attack and stop it. This had all the bearings of a cop case like that but because you see the title you know that it’s all a ruse and clearly something supernatural is going on here. Yeah that’s unfortunate because now he has absolutely no chance of claiming victory and you just have to watch a lot of grisly murders with no reason behind them.

Part of the issue with films like the Exorcist is that the heroes have no way of stopping this guy. They’re fighting an immortal demon who can possess anybody at will and will never truly die since he can just fly somewhere else. The whole thing seems incredibly futile and what’s worse is that there is no way to prove that the villain is a demon so at any point he can just hop into another body and frame the heroes. It’s all just so hopeless and that takes a lot of the fun away from the chase. Why bother getting invested here when victory is impossible?

It’s why even in action shows I much prefer when the hero or villain has at least a slim shot of putting up a fight. A one sided massacre on either side can become boring if it carries on for too long. Give me at least a glimmer of hope even if you’re going to yank it away. The reason there is none here is because in every film the heroes start yelling scriptures at the demons and taking out the cross but always die in the end. At best sometimes they can temporarily take the demon down with them but the human stays dead for good while the demon eventually regenerates.

While it’s not the best series, at least Blue Exorcist has clear rules on how you permanently destroy a spirit. Then you have the all stars like Twin Star Exorcists where you just need to destroy a villain with holy weapons and they stay dead. Give me clear rules for engagement and you’re set but otherwise you just turn into another Jeeper’s Creepers where the villain is completely invincible the whole time.

Another reason this film is so bad is because way too much time is spent on Damien’s ramblings. He just goes on and on and on and as the viewer you have absolutely no interest in anything that he has to say. It’s just a serial killer’s crazed ramblings and you’re constantly checking the clock to see if the speech is really as long as you think it is. It doesn’t service the plot because we know it is crazy and all this does is remind us of that. If I wanted to watch some crazed ramblings there are plenty of Youtube videos for it but to sit there and have to listen to that is mind boggling. Any scene with him in the cell is just awful.

It goes without saying that the film is super violent and disturbing the whole time as well. Everyone is getting murdered by this guy and to add some extra edge to the mix he makes sure to at least bump someone off while they are in a church. There is just no protection from the demon inhabiting Damien and as always the dark side seems way more powerful than the light. This is not a film you watch for the heroes to take the lead.

Kinderman is also portrayed as extremely old in this one. I’m not sure if the actor was sick during filming or something but he has a really hard time breathing during the film and it’s noticeable as he has to take a deep breath after every few lines which doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of the villains. Nobody is going to be scared of a guy like this, why should they be? The heroes are on the defensive the whole time and then you also have the doctors who appear corrupt at times. At least one of them was being blackmailed and another was being so unhelpful that she may as well have been in on it.

We do get the classic scene of someone crawling on the ceiling but there’s not much point to it at all. I mean in context I guess the demon is taunting Kinderman but that doesn’t work because the main guy doesn’t notice and all that would have done was alert him to the body hopping earlier. Yeah I’m telling you this is a big skip for sure. It’s not like this even adds all that much to the lore of the verse so skipping it won’t have you missing anything. I mean if you liked the first film than you may like this one as well but there just isn’t much to salvage here at all.

Overall, the only slight positive I can give here is that there was one catchy tune that played earlier. Yeah that’s about it. The film quickly drops off a cliff after that. It may succeed in trying to have a sinister atmosphere that basically feels evil the whole time but as a result there are no fun moments here or times where you can cheer along with the movie. This isn’t that kind of movie and any movie where you don’t smile at least once during it is one that didn’t understand the assignment. A good film should leave you feeling good afterwards and this one is just so cruel and mean spirited that it won’t succeed. It has the rare distinction of hitting rock bottom so you definitely need to avoid it.

Overall 0/10

Noel Review

If we really have to count this as a Christmas film then Noel has got to be the worst one that I’ve seen. It starts out as a stinker right away and only gets worse. It reminds me a lot of the dialogue from The Room with how off beat everything is. The way the characters talk and act just seems off and the movie just feels really mean spirited by the end. It would help if I actually liked any of the characters but they’re all just really annoying.

In this movie we follow several different plotlines, some of which connect but for the most part they’re fairly separate so lets dive into them. First up is Rose and Charlie’s plot. Rose’s mother has advanced Alzeheimer’s and is barely hanging onto her life at this point. The pressure has really gotten to Rose and she decides to end it all but it prevented from doing so by a guy named Charlie who used to be a priest. He tries to convince her that she still has a lot to live for but she just isn’t sure. She’s tried to live again by crashing parties and going on dates but it all feels empty to her.

Rose has been using all of the most superficial ways to live again and they haven’t worked but when Charlie starts to talk in more supernatural avenues like talking to her mother somehow, Rose isn’t particularly thrilled. Then the doctor in charge of Rose’s mother also likes her so everything is happening really fast. I think Charlie could have handled the situation a whole lot better the whole time because the way he brought up talking to Rose’s mother as a spirit is not really a conversation starter. Things had been going well until then so if he used more tact than it would have worked. The doctor liking her at the end also felt super rushed the whole time.

Rose isn’t my kind of character either with how turning to romance was one of her default options. She also should have said no to the coworker coming to her place when she barely knows the guy. She really succumbed to peer pressure too quickly and deep down she knew this couldn’t work out. The age gap was too crazy so why even try to see how it’ll go? Of course it’s different for everyone but personally I think at max you can make a romance work if someone’s 10 years older than you and the odds will not be in your favor. Any more than that and you’re really going to be doomed if you ask me. But ideally you want within a few years for sure. This subplot was always really dull whenever it showed up.

Then we have Nina and Mike who are close to getting married but the main obstacle right now is Mike’s quick temper and excessive jealousy. He can’t stand to have anyone even look at Nina which makes it difficult for her to have normal friends even. He flies off at the handle all the time and even punches out one of her friends. Nina hopes that he will change but is starting to have doubts and is wondering if perhaps they should just not get together. She is about to have a kid though so the timing would not be great. Then Mike bumps into a crazy who believes that Mike is the reincarnation of his wife and is trying to stir up a lot of trouble.

In a way this plot is in two places so starting off with Nina, you can absolutely see why she has a lot of reservations. Mike is just too excessive and doesn’t show any sign of changing. If there was progress then that would be good but even when she sits him down to talk about this, all he can think about are the guys she mentions may look at her from time to time. He is completely zero’d in on this which is discouraging. Nina likes dressing up to look fancy, her job will require interacting with people and her co-workers. If Mike can’t handle this then this will always be a toxic relationship.

Then Mike probably has the worst plot of all here. So you figure if there is a crazy guy like this you just avoid him and make sure not to humor the guy. Mike is a cop as well so he can arrest the guy if he gets to be too much. Instead he actually invites the guy to his house and is basically attacked before the guy has a heart attack. I get that Mike wants to be a good guy but he just goes way too far like following him to the hospital and trying to give him closure by pretending to be the wife for a quick speech.

It wasn’t a satisfying resolution. I’m not saying Mike needs to be mean about it but you don’t invite someone like that to your apartment and you absolutely don’t need to go to the hospital and humor him. This plot drags on forever and Mike’s actions just don’t feel realistic at all. I felt bad for his partner who was bewildered by this the whole time too. The partner gets a ton of credit for having Mike’s back the whole time though and always keeping his guard up. He knew that something wasn’t right and didn’t abandon his partner.

Then there is Jules who had a great time celebrating Christmas as a teenager while in the hospital and his life has been hard since then so he is determined to have one more party. To get into the hospital he hires someone to break his hand but unfortunately there is no big party this time. The hospital is way too busy with everyone running around and he basically realizes that he’ll never have a happy Christmas again. It makes sense that the hospital would be way too busy with how many patients are running around. It’s the kind of thing you figure may have happened back in the day or in a more quiet area but not here. This plot felt the most random and doesn’t get much closure as he just realizes this was all for naught.

Noel has a very gritty vibe from the start and you can tell that it’s an indie type title. Not only does everything look dirty and shady the whole time but none of the characters are all that great. Most of them don’t even seem like good people that you would get along with if you ever met them. So without great characters to root for that just puts you in an even tougher spot right from the jump. Forget a lot of happy Christmas songs and fun scenes. The movie is always very serious and depressing all the way through.

The film even throws in a bunch of fanservice scenes during Nina and Mike’s plot and everyone seems to be having an affair and making love from time to time. Every character feels so desperate and the film doesn’t have enough of a main plot to actually hold its own so it has to resort to all of this. If the characters could have at least been really good then that would have helped things but that wasn’t the case here. I also mentioned how everyone just acts oddly and that’s embodied the most in Mike’s plot. I still can’t see that story playing out this way at all. Mike honestly looks very dumb with all the risks he was taking. If the guy had a knife or a gun then it would have all been game over.

Overall, At its core the film’s problem is that there are no good scenes. There’s never a moment in the film that will make you smile or think that the movie did something cool. It’s all dreary and depressing the whole time. You might come close to laughing sometimes at just how absurd the whole thing is but that’s not good enough to actually help the film out. It’s all so slow paced and everything drags on forever. This could have been a 40 minute film considering what was actually covered and at least then it would end quickly. Instead it just keeps on going and going. Jules is probably more sympathetic than most of the main characters and even then he should have just gone to just about any party in the city since there are hundreds going on. No reason to injure himself like that. It just showed that he was also a bit crazy to go this far with that. You have to be truly desperate to have someone break your hands to try and enjoy Christmas. Definitely skip this one and stay far away!

Overall 0/10

Count Yorga, Vampire Review

Now this is an awful film so prepare yourself. Dracula already set the bar extremely low with all of those installments but somehow Yorga is even worse. The film’s extremely annoying with characters not making the right moves and it goes for being gritty for no reason. They definitely want to show that Yorga is as demented as possible but he’s the Count so we already knew that.

The movie starts with the main characters doing a seance so that Donna can see her mother again but unfortunately the whole thing doesn’t go well. It just gives Count Yorga a chance to mind control Donna a bit. He scurries off but later on Erica and Paul end up driving the guy home which is a big mistake. Now the Count has them in his sites and things get tricky from there. Will the count be taking everyone down or can Dr. Hayes be brought in to stop this?

So where to even start with this one? We’ve got the usual blood sucking everywhere but that is really the least of our worries at this point. Where the film really surpasses its limits here is it decides to also give the Count a sidekick. This guy is basically desperate to have a lady of his own and so he ends up attacking one of Yorga’s mind controlled victims. This is the scene that absolutely should have been cut out of the film. It’s off screen but he basically has his way with her.

It’s purely here for grit and shock value because it has nothing to do with anything. This guy has no business being in the film in general. We’re here for the vampire, not the right hand man who is messing around here. The film was basically doomed to be a 0 from this point although that was rarely in doubt.

Yorga is also shown to be one of the more perverted villains as the guy has fun commanding the victims to mess around with each other while he watches. You wouldn’t see this kind of behavior from Dracula who at least kept some dignity most of the time. This guy also can’t handle himself in a straight fight. Half the time he has the mind controlled zombie vampires go in to fight for him. Near the end Yorga is confronted so he immediately runs off.

Then he has the element of surprise along with his supposedly superior vampire physical abilities and yet he gets rocked. The guy has no defense to the stake but he also doesn’t have the speed to dodge or the strength to mess with the aim? He just looks so weak by the end that it takes away from his tough talk the whole film.

I’ll just give him one thing, I liked his banter with Dr. Hayes. It’s the only good part of the film as they both subtly threaten each other. Hayes hints that he knows Yorga is a vampire while Yorga advises him to leave while he still can. I like these threatening conversations like this. It keeps things interesting and you keep wondering which character will back down first.

That is the only good part of the film though as the rest goes back to the film just being awful again. Why do the heroes decide to attack only once it’s night time? I suppose they still thought there was hope to save some of the captives but they really took forever and should have attacked at the crack of dawn when they had to leave early. That would have definitely been their best play here and it would have taken Yorga by surprise. Once it was night time the deck was stacked against them.

Another issue with the film is that none of the characters are particularly likable. Donna doing that seance didn’t help matters and everyone was rather rude about it the whole time. Just don’t participate in it at that point. Paul and Erica were messing around too much in the van and didn’t keep their guards up.

The only good character here was Hayes and unfortunately things don’t go very well for him there. He definitely should have prepared himself a bit more but at least he did last for most of the film so I’ll give him some props there. It’s not like he had a whole lot of help in the film anyway.

Michael was the only other one to fight and unfortunately he lets his guard down a lot too and was too slow to help in the end. We do get the classic jump scare at the end of the movie though. It may not be the most impressive one but it gets the job done. You’d expect nothing less here.

It’s hard to make a vampire film that’s all that good but you could absolutely do one that’s way better than this. Make the Count someone who needs to drink blood to survive so you keep his cocky attitude and have him take everyone out but he just destroys them instead of keeping them alive to play with. Remove his right hand man and make the main characters a little more likable. Have them be more focused on trying to figure out what the Count’s deal is and cut out the half hearted romances squeezed in for no reason. Then without all of the shock value scenes perhaps this could actually be a decent movie…perhaps.

Overall, Count Yorga is a huge miss. It’ll end up sinking the vampire genre to new lows for you so I’d advise you to just skip this one entirely. There’s no reason to check it out at all so instead watch a Dracula film if you have to but of course I would advise just completely not watching a vampire film as it is. It’s just very rare that they end up being good anyway so why bother right? I doubt anyone will remember Yorga in a few years though. The guy is already over the hill.

Overall 0/10

Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem Review

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

The big Alien vs Predator sequel has made it but unfortunately this would have to go down as the weakest film in the series. It goes way too far in just how gruesome and edgy it wants to be. This time you have kids and actual babies being taken out as well. Ultimately there isn’t a whole lot to like in this one and not even the crossover element is enough to get this one to win.

The story picks up where the last one left off which is that there was an alien growing inside of the Predator. It ends up hatching and causes a ton of damage before crashing back to Earth. One Predator decides to go down and take the Predalien out but it won’t be easy. A lot of aliens have quickly started to grow on Earth so the infestation is back to being just as strong as it was before. Any progress that could have been made for the humans is effectively gone now. The humans in this area need to try and escape as soon as possible.

Lets get the violence out of the way here first. A big part of why this film is no good is just how extreme the violence is all the time. It sets the tone early when the kid and his father get brutally murdered by the aliens and it just keeps on going from there. Going after the babies at the hospital was just crazy and I could also deal without all of the chestbursters everywhere. Those are always the worst part of the Aliens. Just give us the full sized Xenomorphs and stick to those. I guarantee it would make for a better film all the way around.

The film is also infamously dark as you’ve probably heard. Everything is in the shadows so it feels like the film isn’t particularly confident in its special effects. Just give us the full fights. The Predalien has a cool design and the fight with the Predator is cool while it’s in the special green vision but otherwise the fights aren’t impressive because of this. So that’s part of the big hook of the film in theory and the movie doesn’t take advantage of it. So much for this being a big crossover.

Then we’ve got the humans and none of them are really any good. Ricky is the main guy here and he likes Jesse but she is already dating the school bully. That should be enough for Ricky to just acknowledge that it’s over and move on but he doesn’t go down that route. He throws a joke at the bullies which leads to him being beat up and then he’s still willing to rebound with Jesse after this.

The romance is really bad the whole time and the characters aren’t likable. Why was Jesse with this guy in the first place? It seems like this wasn’t the first time the bullies have messed with Ricky so he didn’t play that very well at all. His older brother Dallas at least seems reasonable as he tries to handle things peacefully and helps find the keys. He also handles the whole alien infestation calmly which is more than can be said for some of the characters.

One of them decides to just believe the government which is never really a good idea. I do like the government here. They’re definitely really sinister and shady as you’d expect but they make for a fun antagonist. Any scene with the government has them in a very darkly lit room acting suspicious even when they are supposedly trying to help out. I imagine they don’t seem as suspicious on the phone but I was glad that at least one person took notice.

The film does have a reasonable twist ending which is good to set up the next film even if it’s not as impactful as you’d expect. To me it implies that the humans are aware of other alien races and might be ready to make a deal or a move with one of them. That would have been really interesting to change things up as opposed to the usual aliens vs predators direct line up. Maybe even have the two forces team up? Would be tough since the Xenomorphs are usually mindless though.

Too bad the government didn’t appear more. I think that could have helped the film quite a bit. They were way more interesting than the main characters after all and at least they had some kind of a plan. Lets just say they make the climax a little more explosive. If you had good main characters then this wouldn’t be necessary but we didn’t have great characters. The writing isn’t good and there’s no memorable soundtrack so at the end of the day there isn’t much to the film beyond that.

I also think the Xenomorphs look a bit weak here. By this point it’s apparent that a single Predator can take them down by the dozens which is a little extreme. Outdoors perhaps the Predator has the edge but half the time he’s beating them in confined spaces and indoors as well where they should have the edge. I want to see the Aliens holding their own even when there are no cheap shots involved. How can this be a real rivalry otherwise? The Xenomorphs have a lot of physical strength so that should be enough to tip the scales.

Overall, Aliens vs Predator 2 is just a bad movie. The camera work isn’t great, the whole concept of the battle between the two series takes a back seat and there’s barely a plot. Half the time we’ll just be introduced to new characters so they could be murdered as normal. The cast is small enough where they literally are bringing in characters just to have them destroyed. What this tells me is that the film’s story wasn’t long enough to actually stretch into a full length movie without this and so the writers should have gone back to the drawing board.

Overall 0/10

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers Review

Halloween has returned with another stinker. While the bar for Halloween movies is already underground, this one did manage to still be a particularly weak installment in the series. We’ve got more action with the cult that is awful and somehow the murders here felt even more intense than in some of the other installments. It is fairly relative by this point I’ll grant you that. Either way, I highly recommend staying far away from these film and definitely away from this one.

So the film starts off with a prison break as Jamie tries to escape with her kid from Michael Myers and the cult. She barely makes it out but gets murdered by the barn anyway. Her kid Kara gets to live a normal life for a while or as normal as it can be but unfortunately her new family are all rather crazy. The film really goes out of its way to make the family as unlikable as possible with the father being abusive and the rest not being able to do much of anything. You have the little kid who is on his way to being the next psycho with his knife skills. All you need to know about these guys is that most of them are completely doomed.

Myers is on his way and the only ones who can stop him are Loomis and Tommy, a kid who has made it his life’s work to stop Michael Myers from terrorizing anyone else. Naturally nobody else is taking the threat seriously. Half the town thinks that Michael Myers never existed and the others figure that he’s dead. Everyone treats the whole thing as a big joke to the point where they are reinstating Halloween and everyone is dressing up in Michael Myers costumes now. The town really isn’t very smart, you’d think either way they wouldn’t be glorifying the guy at least.

Well, it’s all going to be easy pickings for Myers now. For once he feels more like a lackey though which is odd. So the film introduces some new concepts here and one is that there is a whole sacrifice system behind Myers’ madness. See, he only murdered people when the right stars are aligned and you can sacrifice someone to him so that he spares your family. It would have been nice if the cult was just crazy and Myers shows up randomly anyway but he actually does feel like their minion here.

There’s a scene early on where the cult basically summons him to take Jamie down. Myers walks out of one of the office rooms as if he worked there. It’s weird to see him as a minion and it take away from him being the big boss that he usually is. It was a very odd move and one that didn’t do the film any favors. Myers is still going to get wrecked by the end and his regeneration and super strength are not enough to save him. He is definitely a character who isn’t all that great.

As for the cult, well they’re awful. The opening scenes have a long drawn out sequence where they are preparing a baby to be sacrificed and so they’re putting marks on him and such. It’s all rather awful and you’re just waiting for that scene to end already. If the film was trying to make you a bit eery from the jump then it succeeded but at the detriment of the film. The cult guys also have no business being here. They were never supposed to be the focus and yet they do a lot here. There’s even a new guy who shows up…I wonder if he could be the mysterious man in black??

Then we have the heroes. Well Tommy is decent at least. It would just be nice if he communicated more and had some kind of a plan beyond just messing around and finding out. This was his life’s work so shouldn’t he have some heavy artillery or gadgets or some kind? It felt like he was going in blind each time and that’s not a good idea against someone like this. Perhaps he thought that Myers really wouldn’t put up more of a fight than the average dude but since he knew about the prophecy and all that just seems like a very illogical thing to think.

At least he does get some good moments in like clubbing Myers with the bat and all. I can give him some credit here but I was still underwhelmed considering that he basically lived for this. In comparison I can cut Loomis some more slack because the guy is old by this point and he really thought that he was done with all of this. Instead he’s being forced into yet another confrontation and this was one that he was definitely not ready for. It’s always nice to see Loomis but when you think about it he really didn’t do much here.

As for Kara, well I guess she’s an okay main character for the most part. She’s better than some but ultimately doesn’t stick out much beyond being the next target. Kara seemed to have a little less character than previous heroines and that’s because the film was busy with so many plots. There just wasn’t a whole lot of time for her. Maybe for the best though because that meant we didn’t have to have too many scenes with her family. I doubt those would have been very good.

At least the film avoids one cliché which is that when the heroes knock the villain to the ground they suddenly walk away. This happens in Scream when they knock someone down and drop the knife and just about every other series. There’s nothing worse than the main character getting the edge and suddenly her “friends” show up to stop her saying that he’s had enough or he’s dead already. Look, we’re talking about a serial killer who has a massive body count. There is no “enough” yet, you gotta put him down. Then on the other hand if he’s already dead, what’s the problem in landing a few more hits? So when Tommy kept on whacking Myers with the bat until he was literally changing shape, that was the best way to handle it. Even if he regenerates, you’ve bought yourself some time.

Overall, There really isn’t anything else good to say about the film. It’s really just mindless slaughtering as Myers goes around and takes everyone out. The plot is absolutely secondary and you can tell with how halfheartedly they handle the plot with the cult. The whole film is really about shock value instead and you can immediately see this with how drawn out and extended the Jamie death scene was. It was like he murdered her 5 times over with how graphic that was. He definitely was salty about how the last film went but we really don’t gotta see that. Slashers are usually awful but this one stands out even among them. You’ll want to keep it moving and forget that this one existed.

Overall 0/10

Shanks Review

Oof, it’s time to check out a film that was really not very good at all. That’s an understatement as this film is quite terrible and has to be one of the weakest films overall. There are no real good things to say about it by the end and it really drags on. I haven’t seen a film with pacing this bad since 2001: A Space Odyssey. So strap in folks because we’re in for a wild ride!

So the movie starts out by introducing us to Malcolm who can’t speak. He performs puppet shows during the day to earn money but unfortunately his family is rather corrupt. His sister an brother in law are both abusive and the guy gets drunk. They take it all out on Malcolm who basically has to take care of the house, earn the money, and do his best not to go crazy. Those two don’t contribute at all but take a lot of his money every time it’s pay day. So his life is just rough and the only person who is nice to him is a girl named Celia who looks forward to his puppet show for her birthday.

Well, one day Malcolm runs into an old man named Mr. Walker who runs crazy reanimation experiments. He lets Malcolm work on them too and the guy is thrilled. Basically you can stab anyone with these needles and then you can control them with a video game controller. Not a bad invention eh? It’s certainly got its uses and then Mr. Walker dies. Malcolm decides to take over the experiments and Malcolm’s family is bumped off so Malcolm reanimates their bodies. He now has the silent family that he always wanted and parades them across the town. It’s all going good for him until a gang of evil bikers show up and decide to terrorize the place. Can he defend Celia or is it all over?

This is one of those movies that is trying to be as dark as possible. It’s also just really mean spirited as the characters make things as hard on Malcolm as possible. Seriously the guy can’t even talk so that he could speak back to the other characters and they break his stuff for no good reason. Malcolm gets beat up and then of course you have the bikers who break into his place and beat him up some more.

One of the villains also has to be a creep who goes after the kid and things don’t go well for her. That was when I knew that this film wasn’t going to go past a 0. When you make a film go that bad there is just no returning from that. The villains get away with way too much here and they’re annoying every second that they’re on screen. They’re written to be as evil as possible with no actual character development or personality beyond that. They’re just figures of evil meant to push the story along.

This movie is also really determined to get you to admire how the actors are able to act really dead and move around like zombies. These scenes are incredibly long and just keep on going without any kind of break. You can spend 5 minutes just watching one of these reanimated guys walking around. Let me tell you, 5 minutes may not sound like a whole lot but when nothing else is happening it certainly feels like a lot of time. Then you have this keep on happening throughout the movie.

Much of the movie has no plot and is just about Malcolm walking around with his dead family as he fools people into thinking that they are alive. It would never work in any real world but this place is so odd that nobody questions it. Nobody even thinks to ask why they are so silent and nobody notices how they look super dead too. It may be trying to be very surreal but it just ends up being boring.

Malcolm also come across as being rather villainous at times like when he plays around with the knife and tries to scare Celia a bit. This guy doesn’t think things through and while he may just be a fan of dark humor, it’s not something that Celia needs to see when she’s just trying to have a good birthday party. The film is unrelenting with this though and the undead battles are also not very good. Everything is super slow and dreary instead of being fun and exciting.

The end of the film even has a big twist about the whole thing but instead of being a twist that makes you gasp at how inspired and out there it was, you’ll just be shaking your head. Yet another thing for you to see how the film is just not trying to have any fun. I don’t think any ending could have saved this film mind you, but this has to be one of the weaker ways to play things out. It actually just makes Malcolm look way worse since we now know a little bit more about how he thinks.

There is no reason to see the film. There is no fun lesson to be learned, no fun fight scene to go back to, no witty dialogue, etc. Every character is just really off here and you have to suspend your disbelief a lot. The movie isn’t funny and the effects are no good. When you boil the film down to the core themes, there just isn’t anything here of substance. I wouldn’t know where to begin on trying to salvage the film since I would say it was already bad from the very premise. Just change everything from the ground up and see how that goes.

Overall, Shanks is a film that you want to avoid at all costs. There are no happy scenes here as any brief moment where things are not going bad will change in an instant. Nobody is safe here and the film’s pacing slows down to a glacial speed as nothing happens for long portions of the movie. You could easily take out 30 minutes from this film and it would flow better while you do not lose any of the plot. Now that is absolutely a bad sign for the movie. It’s been a while since I saw a film that would be a total 0 but this has to take the cake. Stay far away! It’s quite telling that googling “Shanks movie” brings up a different film that has a character named Shanks in it as opposed to bringing up the movie that is literally called “Shanks”. That has to be a sign of how people have tried to forget this one.

Overall 0/10

The Devil’s Rain Review

Now it’s time for a film that definitely never made the transition into being a good movie. In fact, you had a sneaking suspicion that this was going to be awful as early on as when the opening credits played. That was definitely the first sign that things just weren’t right here. The movie never recovers from that and just goes into shock value moments in every other scene. This is one title you’ll want to avoid.

The movie starts with Corbis launching the opening strike on the Preston family. He desperately wants a book that they have and figures he will attack and kidnap them until they give in. Once he murders Mark’s father it is time for the lead to fight. Or at least you hope so but that doesn’t exactly happen here. Mark gets wrecked so then his brother Tom heads in to stop this guy. Can anyone succeed or will this group of nuts end up defeating everybody?

There’s definitely a ton wrong with this film so it’s almost hard to know where to start. I guess the first main thing here is the opening credits are really drawn out right from the jump. It’s all very dark and dramatic as you see a bunch of disturbing images that set the unfortunate tone of the movie. This is a film where the demons will really be getting a lot of undeserved wins and the humans don’t make it any easier on them at all. If anything they tend to come unprepared.

One of the opening scenes has the father showing up just to get melted down into parts. The effects are impressive considering how old this is which is at least one thing I can say for the scene. Unfortunately the movie is only just starting its descent into madness. Mark initially has the right idea since he shows up to Corbis’ place with his gun. Now there’s a few things he could have done to end the movie. One would have been to shoot Corbis right from the start. Sure the villain acted like it wouldn’t do much but later on we see that it is quite effective on these guys so taking the shot would have really been the right move to make. I don’t think there’s even a question about that.

Instead Mark challenges him to a battle of faith but the main mistake here is actually expecting the guy to play fair. Walking into this crazy parody of a church where he will be surrounded by other villains is not a good move. By this point it’s going to be way harder to actually get out. Even with a gun you aren’t invincible if there are enough people around so you shouldn’t be testing your luck like that. It will inevitably backfire and just put you in harm’s way.

There’s also one scene right before this one where he decides to have a cup of water. Why even take that risk here? Well, he finds that it’s bitter and….then keeps drinking anyway. There wasn’t any logic in that scene and the whole confrontation with Corbis wasn’t written nearly as well as it could have been. Once Mark is captured then you have to sit through a ton of drawn out scenes as they break him physically and mentally. He definitely got a really raw deal here.

Then you have Tom who shows up to become the true main character and I can’t say that he was great either. At least he tries to call in the sheriff but naturally the guy doesn’t believe that there is a threat so Tom has to go in with his wife. Unfortunately they weren’t super prepared for this and don’t fare so well against the ghouls. There’s also a research guy who is with them and at least knows enough to say they should break the jar but even then he isn’t fast enough to do it himself. Nice idea but you should probably drop it before you say you are going to do that.

As for Corbis, well the guy is crazy evil but there’s not much more to him than that. He’s effectively the personification of the Devil or at least one of his higher ranked minions and even gets to show off his beast form. The film wasn’t afraid to throw in some extra effects and all but it’s just squandered on a film like tis. The whole movie is very dreary the whole time. I don’t think there was a single happy scene in the entire film which is really crazy to think about.

You know that the heroes don’t stand a chance from the start and the villain are really toying with them. From what we see here there is no reason they couldn’t have just stormed the house to grab the book and murder everyone. In a way they probably just enjoyed picking them off one at a time. It was rather easy for them to seemingly take over the whole town and the rest of the family too. You have to wonder how nobody noticed that people were vanishing like this. The Sheriff clearly didn’t know this was going on so maybe the members were taken from different areas or something? It’s too bad because maybe he could have helped out. For all their tough talk, the villains were not bullet proof so you should be able to just keep blasting them until they’re dead.

Overall, The Devil’s Rain is just as bad as you would expect from the poster. If you had not seen the poster you would figure this out almost immediately either way though once the credits start playing. It’s the kind of movie where there just doesn’t seem to be any point to it. It’s trying to be as dark and disturbing as possible but to what end? The film shows you that the whole area has descended into being evil and you can only delay the inevitable by trying to run. It’s not like a suspenseful horror either where you get engaged with the struggle. The whole film has an odd vibe where it’s all like an abandoned ghost town where there is no backup for miles but that also means no real lore of backstory from the side characters. Just the basic demon stuff. The heroes weren’t smart either and I still can’t forget the scene of just drinking out of the evil water there. Didn’t make any sense when you’re here to fight off a murderer. Why risk drinking at all? Just get the job done and then head back home. Either way the movie’s biggest flaw aside from being awful is that there weren’t any good scenes here. There weren’t any moments that would make you think “This was hype” at all. Hopefully there will be no remake or reboot for this and we can just let this one be forgotten.

Overall 0/10

Extremities Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts should be addressed as such as this review would be even more negative otherwise.

There are some films were you know they will be trash almost immediately and this is one of those. With nothing redeeming to be found in this film you know that you’re in for a rough time right from the jump. That said, the film is pretty straight forward about this so if you’ve even seen the plot summary then you know that this should be an instant skip. Extremities does its best to be as extreme as possible and succeeds, much to the detriment of the film as a whole.

The main character here is a lady named Marjorie who is assaulted one night by a mysterious figure. She tries to ask the cops for help but unfortunately there isn’t anything they can do to assist and the villain has her address. She heads home when the guy strikes again. Ultimately she is able to subdue him but her two roommates think he should be given leniency while she just wants to murder the guy or at least get a confession out of him. Will she be able to destroy him or will the roommates get in the way?

The movie certainly makes the roommates annoying as they try to fall into every horror trope imaginable. Believing the main villain, letting their guard down, etc. For a while there you think things are really going to backfire on them but fortunately the film at least doesn’t go with the whole he escapes into a whole new climax filled with lots of fighting. That would have been rather pointless and would have only served to drag the whole film out even more.

The movie moves at an incredibly slow pace. The first 30 minutes feels like it’s 3 hours. The scenes just never end and I can’t imagine seeing this kind of movie in theaters. Then the whole second half doesn’t need to exist as Marjorie should have finished the guy off already. Just end him immediately and you don’t have to worry about the debates and aftermath that follows. Because that didn’t happen you have to go through scene after scene of the characters debating.

Everything is really detailed in this film including the actual assault and rape which puts this film at a 0 right out of the jump. This is never a plot device that should exist in a film, much less be the main plot point. Just including that doomed the movie and there was no way the film could salvage itself after that. It just makes for a painful watch. The home invader plot is already a tough storyline to tackle because it will almost always devolve into a long hostage situation and this just takes the whole thing one step further.

With this kind of plot there is no way to make a movie good. It’s absolutely impossible and thus shouldn’t even be tried. The villain’s awful and as far as I’m concerned the roommates are awful for taking this guy at face value at all. C’mon now, this guy’s rather obvious the whole time. This is one of those films that is transparently putting the main heroine in as bad a position as possible so that when she starts getting her revenge and torturing the villain you can cheer along.

The issue is that this cycle of violence will always make for a poor viewing experience. For starters, it means that the villain is going to do something truly awful at the start to make the revenge feel that much better. This is a really bad decision. Then you will have the hero doing something really awful like full on torture as well to even the scales. So in effect it’s an excuse by the film to have two super violent moments and to just keep going in circles like that. It goes without saying that this film is very violent and dark as well so keep that in mind if you actually end up wanting to check it out. Trust me, you don’t want to watch this one though, you could do better with numerous other films. It’s no exaggeration to say that 90 minutes of watching paint dry with some fireplace sound effects in the background would be better as it would at least put you to sleep.

Overall, Extremities is an absolutely awful film that is horrible from start to finish. It’s the kind of film that’s so bad that you just want to forget about it rather than even discussing the film for very long. If you ever see this on TV or in a store you’ll want to keep on walking right past it. If you hear about a remake being in production and a trailer pops up on Youtube feel free to leave a dislike if the feature has been brought back onto Youtube. You’ll have a better time buying a bag of potato chips and mixing it into your mac n cheese or dusting off the old Sega Genesis and playing some old games there. Either way that would be a more ideal way to spend your evening.

Overall 0/10