The Fog (2005) Review

Posted on October 30, 2015 by dreager1

Our trip through horror land continues with The Fog! As you recall, I saw the original The Fog quite a while ago. I can’t say that it was a very pleasant experience and this one isn’t either. I dare say that it’s worse than the original and suffers from some problems that the first did not. That’s never a good thing, but it is to be expected. While it’s not the biggest trainwreck out there, The Fog doesn’t do modern horror films any favors.

An island is about to celebrate the anniversary of when it was founded by their heroes. The thing is, their “heroes” are actually traitors who backstabbed the poor people who used to be on the island and then threw them all overboard while also burning them alive. These ghosts didn’t like that….they didn’t like that at all! To have their vengeance, they’re going to destroy every last person on the island. It’s going to be a busy weekend for them…so time to get started!

Unlike the original film, the radiohost isn’t really the main character. She’s around, but instead the main guy is a man from the village. He’s driving around when a girl shows up in the forest and they decide to become more than friends on the spot. Once they’re done, she tries to head home, but isn’t welcome there so she goes home with the main character. We’re attacked with more fanservice scenes and forced romances that are as shallow as you can get in a film before the ghosts start to attack with more force. The body count begins to rise and we learn that the drunk pastor actually knew about the whole situation from the start. He just doesn’t care enough to actually try and save everybody.

As you might expect, there are no likable characters here. The ghosts have a few decent points and while it doesn’t excuse murder, the heroes aren’t making a very good case for themselves. They’re just standing around and allowing themselves to get wrecked. Spooner, a random guy who gets into the this situation, is framed for destroying two girls and his friend so he quickly escapes the hospital to find the main character. How he got past the guards we’ll never know.

All of the main characters meet up inside of the burning house like in the first film, but then they realize that it wasn’t their best move. The climax takes a strange turn that’s pretty terrible though as we learn that Elizabeth, the main female lead, was actually the wife of one of the pirates. So, we get another forced romance with the ghost and as they vanish, we try to recall what the point of the film was. I would have preferred a classic stinger like in the original film. That was surprisingly absent in this version.

It almost goes without saying that the film can be pretty violent. It’s not quite as excessive as other horror films, but when you just look at it in a vaccum, it’s still up there in terms of violence levels. The gimmick of the pirates is that they always aim for the eyes, which can be pretty gruesome. Meanwhile, I also didn’t care for the fact that the old aunt had to bite the big one again. I feel like old people should be considered out of bounds for the villains in these slasher/horror films. It’s not nearly as bad as getting a dog, but still pretty bad.

Nick is also a very underwhelming main character. Forced romances and desperation aside, he’s not very smart. He had actual evidence that Spooner did not commit the murders, but decided to hide it instead of giving it to the cops. Naturally, the ghosts used this chance to track Elizabeth down and take it from her. Nick basically cost Spooner his freedom at the time and he never looked back.

I wouldn’t even say that the ghosts look all that menacing. Old pirates with fishhooks? We can do better than that. At least they are pretty fast thanks to their mist and they did succeed in taking out the weather man. Even the kid barely managed to escape from the power of these ghosts. The fog is just too thick and too intense.

Keep in mind that as a remake, this “The Fog” also feels like an abridged version of the original. Many plot lines were basically cut out to make way for some more action scenes or just generic tension moments. The ghosts have the same motive as in the original, but instead of a life for a life, they just want to murder everyone. Having a reincarnated ghost living a fake life before realizing her true purpose also came at the expense of the majority of the story. I’m also not sure why the film felt the need to wreck the Pastor. He was a great character in the original and one of the only sensible ones around, but in this film he’s just a drunk who couldn’t care less if they all went and died against these pirates. Talk about dramatic right? The heroes can never get a straight answer out of him.

Almost forgot one last thing, the old man by the beach! He found some artifacts and warned Elizabeth that if she touched it…things would change. She ignored him and snatched it, rather quickly, from his hands. After laughing it off with Nick, she went home, but things started to change. It’s fun to think about whether the old man was off his rocker or if touching the object started a chain reaction. You know…when I actually think about this film. I’m inclined to say that the old guy was just crazy and another red herring for the fans, but adding a little misdirection is always a good thing I’d say.

Overall, The Fog isn’t a very good film and is in fact..a bad film. It’s not as good as the original and suffers from the main issues that you tend to expect from a remake. There’s more fanservice and the characters are less developed. The film moves at a very high speed, but this isn’t a totally good thing when you think about it and speed can’t save the rest of the film. There’s no real reason to watch The Fog, but if you want a generic horror film where everyone is bumped off one at a time. Maybe this will be up your alley, just remember that it’s not exactly a scripting masterpiece so prepare to wince. If Aunt Connie had lived and taken out her shotgun, things could have been a little different….I doubt it would have helped all that much though. If the film really wanted to be good, then taking away the fanservice scenes and forced romance plots would have done it wonders and maybe bumped it up a full 2 stars.

Overall 1/10

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer Review

Posted on October 28, 2015 by dreager1

Disclaimer: This review is of the edited TV-14 version. All thoughts pertain to such and an uncut review would likely be harsher

Do any of you guys remember what you did 2 summers ago? I was relaxing at Florida enjoying a nice breakfast before having pizza for dinner. Well, the main character of this film had a more distressing experience as she tried to cover up a murder, but it didn’t go over so well. All of her friends were destroyed except for one so she has tried to forget this experience. That takes us to the sequel. How is she alive? After all, Julie was murdered in the first film. Well…turns out that was a dream. She effectively gets a second chance to try and win.

Julie has settled in nicely away from her old home. She is now going out with the friend from the first film (Who is nothing like his old personality, but a slight character reboot is nothing out of the ordinary for this film) and has a new best friend as well. One day, her friend suddenly wins a contest to go to the Caribbean and decides to take Julie, her boyfriend, and a guy who wants to be Julie’s friend. The four of them head out to this isolated island even though Julie knows that Ben Willis has returned. Surely he can’t follow them across the ocean right? She was wrong!

This film plays out like your average slasher. Every character starts to get picked off one by one. The main villain may essentially just be your average guy with a fishhook, but he’s fast and isn’t afraid of picking fights. He takes out one guy who was in a car and nearly takes out good ole Ray. (The friend from the older film) Every night he takes someone else out and the body count is quite high here. It’s to be expected as this film is an actual slasher. I use the term loosely so it’s nice to see a film where I can actually call it that without stretching the term. Naturally, this also means that the film is quite terrible.

It’s not quite as bad as the Shining…or even the Conjuring. This is the kind of film that can still be a little funny, but mainly because you will be chuckling at what a trainwreck it is. Seriously, nothing goes right for this film. Are you familiar with the term, “an accident waiting to happen”? Let’s just say that you could sum up the movie quickly with that line. It’s the definition of unlikable characters throughout the film. Let’s take a look at the negatives.

First, we’ll look at the filler ones. The guy in charge of the hotel is racist. This is relevant to the film because….? It adds that racial tension angle to the film I suppose, but it’s just there for extra edge. One of the few guys left in the hotel is a drug dealer who’s always talking about his drugs and trying to sell them. Naturally, everyone ignores him, but he’s another character who has no point in being here. As you may expect, both of these characters are quickly destroyed.

Next up, we’ve got the “hardcore” bartender. She murdered her husband so we naturally have to label her as a suspect…except for the fact that we already know the villain is Ben Willis. She talks a good game and helps out ever so slightly I suppose….but she’s just not a good character. She does whack one of the main characters on the head with a baseball bat, but then forgets how to fight when the villain comes after her. If a dead, overweight guy falls on you in a life or death situation, do you think you could roll him off of you? You have about 30 seconds to do this, which may not sound like a lot, but count to 30 and come back to me. It’s plenty of time to do this, but she is unable to…..okay then.

There’s a deck hand who quickly starts flirting (Or at least it came off that way to me) to show that he is expendable and a rope ties around his leg. It’s one of those nifty supernatural elements that the film loves before the fishhook guy appears to finish him off. Karla is Julie’s best friend and the only one who actually gets character development. She doesn’t seem as expendable, but just remember that this is a slasher film. Karla would be a good character if she didn’t have a habit of moving around in the dead of night to scare her friend. She tries to be a nice person though so she’s better than 99% of the cast.

Tyrell is her boyfriend and he brings us back to facepalm territory. He basically just thinks about making out for the entire film and it represents 90% of his lines. He even jokes about how nobody could hear Karla in this isolated island so he can do what he wants. It’s certainly in bad taste and shows what a terrible character he is. He talks very tough of course, but goes down incredibly fast. We’ve also got Ray, the old guy from the first film. His idea of a nice trick is to tell his girlfriend that he probably can’t go on the big trip with her. Gee, it’s not like she needs prior notice so that the ticket isn’t wasted right? He comes up big to help in the end, but still manages to underestimate his opponents and he froze up when he grabbed the gun. This is the time for action, not inaction!

There’s also Will, who’s another terrible character. He pretends to just want to be friends with Julie, but it’s obvious that this isn’t the case right from the start so he comes across as a big phony. He starts to crack by the end and it’s safe to say that he’s one of the worst characters in the film. There’s also Estes, who’s another red herring to keep everyone busy. He seems to believe in some very satanic stuff and steals possessions from the main characters. Turns out he was trying to fight fire with fire, but fails epicly and doesn’t really stand a chance. He did try to take a win via a cheap shot and I don’t know how he could have possibly lost at that point. He must have choked under pressure.

Finally, we can’t forget about Julie and Ben. Julie is super saddened by the experiences of the first film, but this doesn’t stop her from trying to get a tan in an enclosed device where she will be vulnerable. She makes terrible decisions throughout the film just like you would expect from a horror film. Julie constantly yells about how she will destroy Ben, but typically just runs away when he actually shows up. I do like how the villains tell the heroes “You wouldn’t have the nerve to destroy us!” Do they realize that they are talking to the edgy teenagers who would shoot them without a second thought? I somehow don’t think so.

There’s a twist near the end, which helps out the film’s credibility quite a bit in terms of realism. It’s still a film riddles with plot hax and nobody would ever buy this happening in real life, but as far as slasher films go, the twist did help things. This film also has a twist ending as the end. Given what happened last time, you can call this a dream, but I like to think that this really happened. If so, I’m afraid that the main characters could be doomed once again.

I personally found the film’s pacing to be quite quick here, more so than in the first film. The film goes by quickly, which is more than I can say for the average horror film. It wasn’t really a chore to watch even if it is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination. It’s actually a terrible film, it’s just funny because it’s so bad. Aside from all of the terrible characters, the film also suffers from other issues like excessive violence and fanservice. We have the unnecessary shower scenes which are just not cool and everyone gets stabbed in various ways to remind us of why this film is edgy. The characters are making out a lot and there are many suggestive comments woven throughout the script. Language is another issue.

If you can think of a negative for a film, this one’s likely got it. It fits the Slasher formula to a T. It has every stereotype that you could possibly want to avoid and then some. The villain is just a supernatural human, but the characters are always so afraid that they run away. Ben walks up slowly each time and still manages to take them out. Even 6 bullets aren’t enough to stop this guy. It definitely makes you wonder. I’d say that the first film was probably better than this one, but this film may have felt like more of a parody. I’d also say that this film may have been less violent, but mileage will vary on that as they are pretty similar.

Overall, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is another slasher film that doesn’t know when it’s time to call it a day. The soundtrack also isn’t very good to put it mildly. This is the kind of film that you can watch as a group and find many things to make fun of. You could certainly think of some (soda) drinking games on the spot to make the experience better. The whole film’s plot falls apart when you realize that a hotel with 5 employees during their “off season” likely wouldn’t allow any guests to stay on the premise. That being said, while it can be a little funny to watch a film because it’s a trainwreck, why do that when you can watch a film that’s actually good? Think on that and then remember that Ben Willis isn’t so tough….

Overall 1/10

The Conjuring Review

Posted on October 11, 2015 by dreager1

This is of the edited TV-14 version of the film and all thoughts below should be read as such. A review of the uncut version would likely be more negative as edited versions help to address my complaints for a product…typically.

October continues and the next horror movie has been selected. Unfortunately, we’ve finally run into a stinker. This film is definitely one of those films that reminds me why this genre almost always backfires on me. This film made just about every mistake that it could including some blatant animal violence that was just really bad. This film was really toast and with or without the animal violence, it was not a good film. Well, let’s get into this!

As you would expect, a family moves into a new house and it’s actually haunted. Weird things start to happen in this place. Spirits roam the halls and all animals that get close to the house go insane and get strangled. The family decides to call in the professionals to help them, but is it too late? Can the spirit really be exorcised or are the main characters doomed to be destroyed in this house? Get ready for a ton of “jump” scenes (No such thing anymore if you ask me. 5 Nights at Freddy destroyed that concept by surpassing it and turning it into a meme) and despair for the heroes.

This film doesn’t really do anything new with the horror genre and just plays to all of the usual genres. We even get the usual kids who get terrorized by the spirit the whole time and one of them has a habit of sleep walking. The kids are fairly annoying like you would expect. The parents aren’t bad and are actually better than normal, but they never actually make the leap into being likable characters. The professionals are likable though. Lorraine can see visions and Ed knows a lot about the paranormal so he gives advice to the people that he helps. They’re both very respectable characters and know what they’re doing. It’s good to have two characters here who believe in God and do a good job at helping out. So often you see priests or other figures from the Church in these films come and get overwhelmed by the spirits. I remember one film where the priest went into the house and immediately left as the spirits started to wreck his hands. Here, Ed and Lorraine are crucial to victory.

A Christian has nothing to fear from demons and while they have power, it is nothing against God’s. It’s always interesting to see films about demons because unlike vampires, werewolves, or ghosts, I do believe that demons are real. We’ve seen them several times in the Bible, like in Matthew as Jesus helped people who were possessed by them. In that sense, the film did a good job of recreating how a person who is possessed would probably look. Even if it was pretty gross to see the guy who was bleeding out of his eyes.

Of course, the film was doomed right from the start with the animal violence. Why bring in a dog if you’re just going to kill him off right away? There are also a lot of birds who die during the film as well. It’s just distasteful, just like the rest of the film in a nutshell. It’s all just a pointless endeavor and you will be looking at your watch and any clocks that are around as you wait for the film to be all over. Aside from the animal violence, it’s also one of those films that can get quite violent and gross at times. One guy’s cheek is bitten/slashed off and the flashback with the possessed guy, which happens more than once doesn’t help matters.

It’s why Horror movies are typically doomed for me. I don’t mind random spirits running around, but films want them to be extra scary so they’ll have them terrorize the heroes for a while with disturbing images like bleeding or flashbacks with people being hanged. Not only does this fail to inspire any fear from the people watching, but it just helps to take away more and more points from the film. The important thing is for the film to at least be interesting, but after you’ve seen the same formula done to death dozens of times, it loses that appeal. At least films like the Grudge have some neat visuals while you’re waiting for the heroes to die or run away from the house.

Horror films from the olden days were typically a lot better than the ones that we get now. Look at the Abbott and Costello films or even one that was taken seriously like Haunted House on the Hill…something like that. Even the old Kaiju films like Godzilla if they still count. Those were horror films that didn’t need animal violence or random shock value scenes. They got you hooked with the solid writing that was present and the engaging characters. I feel like films nowadays can’t handle those things so a horror film will already be fighting with one arm tied behind its back and that’s a losing formula.

There is a bit of a twist ending here, but not really as it’s just a fake jump scene that never actually happens. Whether that was the intent or not, it didn’t do the film any favors. With such a low score, you can tell that I just didn’t like this film. Films about possession have never really caught my eye and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. Who knows, maybe a film will prove me wrong someday…maybe. It just probably won’t happen anytime soon.

Overall, The Conjuring is another film that’s just no good. As it’s involved with the Amityville Horror, I can’t say that I’m surprised. That film was also a mess. Adding in the fact that this film was originally R and you can also see why it was toast. Edited or not, the film got that rating for a reason so the gruesome aspects will likely be enough to jeopardize the score as well. What we need is a very tame horror film that relies on suspense and drama as opposed to visual cues. That’s a horror movie that would have some potential, but it likely wouldn’t generate the same amount of clicks that one like this would. Ah well, it’s just how it goes.

Overall 1/10

Pixels Review

Posted on July 26, 2015 by dreager1

Hyped to be one of the greatest comedy films of the decade, I was looking forward to Pixels. In case you were curious, I was the one who was hyping it up. Donkey Kong and Pac Man were going to be in the same film. How could you not get excited when Super Smash Bros was finally coming to life? The first trailer was incredible and it was actually taken seriously for a while. The second half of the trailer hinted that the film would be a comedy, but for most of it, it looked like a serious action thriller. The film wasn’t anything like that, but it’s nice to think of how it could have been.

The film begins with Sam as a kid going to the arcade with his friend. Right from the start, we learn that he’s a pretty selfish/immoral kid who doesn’t mind stealing money from a little girl who was selling lemonade. That was just terrible and it was an early sign that this character would not be heroic. Sam lost a big tournament of video games and his life spiraled out of patrol. He became a part of a Nerds brigade and spends his time flirting. Luckily, Sam’s friend became the President so Sam still has connections. When Aliens attack the planet, Sam knows who he has to call!

Unfortunately, this film ended up being a bit of a train wreck. None of the characters were likable and the film made the big mistake that many comedy films end up falling into, many of the jokes are simply crude and inappropriate. For every good joke, there will be about 10 that are simply bad and a reason why comedy films don’t have a great rep anymore. It’s too bad because there are a lot of scenes that are actually funny. A good example of this is just about any moment with the President or some of Sam’s scenes like him reciting the nerds speech and getting called out for it. I also loved it when Sam walked into the White House in shorts and almost backed out of saving the world because the main heroine was “being mean.” The film had promise and I actually found it funnier than Ant Man or just about any comedy film that I’ve seen in a long time.

Once again, it’s held back by all of the bad jokes though. The characters are constantly flirting and joking about girls. Making really bad comments is something that each character does a lot and one character’s whole gimmick is that he’s very crude and always making a dirty remark. That would be Eddie, the worst character in the film. A close second is Ludlow. Most of his jokes rely on acting gay and being the stereotypical version of what some people believe gamers to be. He doesn’t know how to act in public and is in love with a video game character. He’s just terrible and his long speech in the army room is wince worthy. His singing is also terrible because he accompanies it with provocative dancing.

I’d like to say that Sam was a good character, but I’ve already explained that he isn’t. He allows his friends to steal money and he does not regret it at all. A character breaks up with someone so Sam immediately takes this as his clue to hit on her. He’s just not a sensitive guy and even though he gets most of the funny moments in the film, it can’t save his character. I’m in the minority in that I think Sandler played the part well and his character was easily one of the best humans, but he still doesn’t get a pass due to just how bad this film was. My favorite human in this film was the President, not that it is really saying much. His jokes were typically funny and he always rolled with the punches. It’s very intriguing to think of how America would be if he was the President. He’s still in charge though so he makes everyone respect him when the going gets tough. Violet is the main heroine and the film tries to make her look as bad as possible in the beginning. While she tries to be tough and insults Sam a lot, she ultimately realizes that he’s a good guy and the usual deal. She didn’t get a lot of character development except to be around for Sam’s character, but it’s not surprising that the film didn’t know how to develop her character.

When you really think about it, the writing is why this film is terrible. Take away the dozens of inappropriate and suggestive comments and you’ve actually got a good film going here. Of course, it’s so numerous and constant that Pixels would also be a completely different film. It’s like saying that Sucker Punch would be great if you took away the plot or that the Lord of the Rings would be epic if the characters were all robots. So, Pixels, as much as I like to think of how good it could be, it simply isn’t good.

At least we have the video game characters, which is the one bright point for the film. As you would expect, Pac Man looks downright incredible as he mows through buildings. He probably had the best acting in the film as he even changed expressions to show that he was upset after the characters started attacking him. There was a lot of plot hax in how the heroes overcame him since Pac Man was already faster than them when they were at top speed. There’s no way that Sandler could outrace Pac Man while driving backwards. There’s simply no way!

Donkey Kong also looks great and he even gets the cool “We Will Rock You” theme as the heroes mount their big offensive against him. The game was a lot of fun to play back in the day and the nostalgic music will certainly hit you right in the nostalgia. Stopping him is no easy feat and the action scene may have been the best one in the film as the heroes really had to stop the barrels from running them over.

Donkey Kong and Pac Man were really the only big hitters here. I think that it was a bit of a missed opportunity as we could have gotten more big names in the film. Mario makes a cameo, which is a lot of fun, but you have to be watching carefully or you may miss him. The Centipede also deals a lot of damage of course and we even get a delivery boy who destroys someone in the background, which was fairly shocking. That person may not have come back to life since she wasn’t a trophy so the film may have been a little grimmer than we thought. A certain Super Smash Bros player also makes a cameo.

As you can see, the film was great when it was in an action scene. It’s just when the characters would open their mouths to say something that everything would go downhill. I still did crack up many times in the film. Some were for the good jokes and other times I would laugh at how seriously the film was trying to take itself. For example, the first scene where the aliens attack the government base. It happened sooner than I thought it would and it was so grim and unrealistic that you can’t help but chuckle. Likewise when the characters dug out an old VHS that had the villain’s speech on it. If they hadn’t found the tape, the whole plot would never have become known to them. It felt like a Sci-Fy Channel plot twist!

Naturally with the writing as bad as it was, the film couldn’t really handle any of the plots that it had. Eddie’s was unbearably bad and Ludlow’s romance with the video game character was also horrendous. Watching a classic video game icon turn into the girl and immediately get together with Ludlow was terrible. There’s even a time skip where the plot gets even more messed up. Sam’s romance isn’t much better as he gets together with the heroine for no real reason and while she may have wanted a rebound guy, this was just too soon and too sudden. The scene of her crying in her closet was so bad that I could barely believe that it was real. She had been acting like the tough female protagonist that we have come to expect so this was so out of character that it was shocking.

At least the soundtrack was really good. As explained, we got the classic “We Will Rock You” song along with the Pac Man theme, Donkey Kong theme and some other retro tunes. Those were all a lot of fun and mixed in with the epic action scenes, they helped to tear you away from the rest of the film, which was just really wince worthy. Even the climax which is a long battle against the alien invasion of video games couldn’t save the film as it was too little too late.

The aliens never actually appear, but based off of the dialogue, we can make some connections. Q*bert talks about how his home used to be really happy until they got Earth’s declaration of war. Since he could not have his video game form until it was sent, I’m thinking that the aliens simply weren’t corporal. They can assume any shape, but their normal one is likely just intangible and something that exists, but can’t be seen. They obviously have tremendous abilities, but aren’t hostile by nature as they can enjoy a good laugh like the rest of us. If they attacked seriously, it would definitely be Game Over for Earth. A sequel where they adapt the 90’s of gaming would certainly be epic!

Overall, Pixels was a flop. Now, you may think that the film was still decent thanks to it actually being very funny at times, having good action scenes, and a good soundtrack, but I’m afraid that it is not the case. The writing is simply too bad with enough terrible scenes that I can’t give the film anything higher than a 1. It’s still a light film that you can breeze through so I would sooner see it than a lot of 2 star films and maybe even some 3’s, but I can’t give it more than the 1 due to how seriously bad it is. It’s easy to watch since most of the negatives are writing wise and just affect your hearing, but that’s still enough to doom it to a 1. It’s still not a 0 so at least it earned a point somewhere along the line. When you think of Pixels, just picture the scene where Sam walks into the White House and insults everyone while in shorts. That’s probably the best human scene except maybe for the President being humiliated on National Television. The video game scenes are mainly awesome and are the highlight with the fight scenes, but hopefully the sequel can be better. After all, it may be a verrrrry long time until I ever see a Sandler film again and they wouldn’t even need him for a Pixels film. Just call it Super Smash Bros and make it completely animated. Fire the current writer and get someone who knows how to make a script. Then we’re looking at a winner! I definitely don’t recommend watching this film and you’re better off just waiting for Mission Impossible 5 and seeing how good that one is.

Overall 1/10

The Lazarus Effect Review

Posted on July 6, 2015 by dreager1

Gee…I wonder who the main villain of this film is. Even if you haven’t seen the trailer, there are only so many actresses on the poster who look like the character in the center right? You can guess between the two actresses listed and it should be easy to guess correctly. This is a modern horror film that I actually saw the trailer a while back. I knew that it would be terrible, but I saw it to see if I could at least drag some good feats out of this. I wasn’t disappointed!

A group of scientists decide that they will bring things back to life against the school’s orders. They succeed in bringing a dog back to life, but then some corporate white collars decide to shut down the project. The “heroes” laugh this off and try to make another experiment, but someone forgot to pay General Electric so a spark is sent off and destroys one of the characters. They bring her back to life, but…she seems different. She seems…evil!!!!!? (Shocker!)

My hunches are typically right when it comes to a film being good or bad. I can usually tell if I will like it or not based on a single trailer. Not a teaser, but the full thing. That being said, you still have to be careful to go in with an open mind, but this film makes it easy for you since there’s animal violence within seconds of minutes of the film starting so I was able to confirm my theory. It may sound strange to watch a film that you know will be terrible, but it’s actually not uncommon.

See, the best reason to watch a film is to enjoy it. After that, another very legitimate reason is to just watch the film for feats. This way, I can add the fighters to this site someday in the battle section. A final reason that I watch films for at times is just to appreciate the dialogue as well as the banter between characters. If a film’s script is really good, I can at least have a few chuckles as I get ready to write my negative review. I do the same thing for video games. (minus the third option since there is almost never any banter in video games) Based on the poster/dvd cover, I knew that the villain would have some good super powers. After all, villains in horror films are always overpowered and typically have a range of attacks like reality warping and teleportation.

One of the ways that this film went wrong was the fact that it has way too many jump scares. Seriously, when you show us a vague object in the background and start speeding up the music as the scene gets darker and darker, everyone and their pet bird knows that a jump scare is about to happen. You’re taking the scare out of the jump. Every jump scene here is utterly predictable and you’ll just be laughing. Actually, this is a Great film to watch in a group as you try to poke fun at it the whole time. Seeing the Mystery Theater 3000 tackle this would likely be very entertaining. There’s just so much material to work with here.

An obvious negative here is the animal violence issue. It feels like I have to mention this in every single horror movie and it must be a trope of some kind. Naturally, the dog dies. It’s so unnecessary and disturbing. The fact that the heroes are bringing things back to life also ensures that you see quite a few dead animals throughout the film and this movie was doomed from early on. However, it brings me to a nice topic of discussion that many philosophers and scientists still debate. As far as I’m concerned there is no debate, but I’ve seen this question asked several times in real life and the answers that other people give are always sad. They always seem to believe that the end justifies the means.

The characters are all fine with experimenting on animals. When the main character decides to finally try a human everyone immediately starts to back up. “Experimenting on animals is okay, but a human..humans are real!” is essentially what the characters try to say. For many people, animals don’t have rights and anything is fair game. If killing 10 animals means that you will save 100 humans, a lot of people would jump on board in an instant. If you were to rephrase the question so it’s 10 lives against 100, people would still go for it, but there would be many more who would simply find it preposterous. It’s a very sad train of logic that I’ve always disagreed with right from the start. The fact that all the characters believe this just makes it all the more sad.

The other topic to tackle relates to one of the final sane lines by the main villain. Zoe asks why she was sent to Hell over one mistake when she tried to make up for it by doing good things for her whole life. That’s an incredibly easy one to answer, good works are not enough to send you into Heaven. You can lead the nicest life imaginable. You can fight in wars and save hundreds of people or always put others first and help out whenever possible, but you still won’t go to Heaven if you haven’t accepted Jesus Christ into your life. It’s a concept that many people cannot wrap their heads around and the outcome is quite sad, but unavoidable. It’s tough to think that you could be a great person and it will not make a difference, but we are all sinners and don’t have the power to save ourselves. Zoe found this out the hard way and now she’s working on bringing as many people down as possible. Considering how all of the other main characters act, it shouldn’t be difficult.

To Zoe, Hell is essentially reliving her worst moment in life over and over again. I don’t see this being very far fetched as that could certainly be what Hell is like. Hell is simply unbearably bad. So, whatever hurts you the most emotionally and physically will be what happens there. It’s why Hell is a truly scary place and it’s never ending. Another difficult concept to grasp, but one that you must as it will really affect how you live each and every day. You will certainly treasure each day on Earth as you realize what a privilege it is to live in such a pleasant world even if it’s far from perfect.

It almost goes without saying that I couldn’t stand any of the characters by the way. We have the average teenager who smokes a lot and is constantly making crude and inappropriate comments. He was terrible. The main character believes that experimenting on animals is okay and he doesn’t seem to think too highly of the dog’s intelligence. His final scenes are also terrible and he’s unlikable. Zoe essentially cracks and we find out that Hell broke her and turned her evil. While that may not be her fault as she is insane for the final part of the film, it doesn’t help her become a good character although she is a threatening villain. The intern seemed out of her depth the whole time as she tried to fit in and the final member of the group didn’t really have any character.

The script is one of the things that prevented any of the characters from being likable as they were constantly swearing. It’s to be expected as horror films in general have some of the worst reputations when it comes to the script. The characters will swear whenever they are surprised, upset, or excited, which is constantly. While it’s not the worst writing that I’ve seen, it’s certainly down there and hurts the film once again.

At the very least, Zoe is a strong villain. She seems to have some reality warping skills as she can literally send you to Hell. She has high speed regeneration, possibly some kind of body snatching ability, super speed, telekinesis, super strength, and much more. As with most horror villains, she can essentially do whatever she wants including turning off the lights with her mind. How spooky right? For films like this, you’re essentially watching to see how she destroys everyone in whatever gruesome ways she can imagine. No worries though, all of the bodies are somehow kept intact for the twist ending.

You do know that there is a twist ending right? All horror films are basically required to have one and this is no exception. How one guy’s body survived being in a metal container that was crumpled up is beyond our wildest imagination, but I’m sure that Zoe has a power to help with that. She also has a large blood supply so that she can give some to everyone that wants to have powers without wearing herself out. Must come back to that high speed regeneration eh? As with most twist endings, we can assume that humanity was ultimately destroyed.

Overall, This was a pretty terrible movie, but at least it was predictable. It followed the horror stereotyped and formula to a T. You can probably guess just about everything ahead of time. “Will ____ die DReager?” “I’ll do you one better Bill, they’re all going to die and at least one of them will be in a Man of Steel way” “Right on Reager!” Now, just copy and paste that answer to every single horror film where there’s one villain up against a group of teenagers and you’ve got yourself the correct answer. If horror films where you get to see really unlikable characters destroyed by a villain that they cannot even begin to fight against are your thing, then you’ll love this film. Just try to get past the animal violence and the poor script. Meanwhile, I’d recommend watching Scooby Doo Zombie Island if you want a movie that has more heart. On the bright side, I did like the corporate agents who came in and owned the main characters without breaking a sweat.

Overall 1/10

The Village Review

Posted on June 24, 2015 by dreager1

Time to take a look at The Village! This is the kind of film that you know will be bad before you actually watch it, but finding out just how bad it is ends up being your main goal. Needless to say, the film met my expectations and maybe even exceeded them in that regard. You certainly won’t be missing much if you skip this title and The Village is certainly no NYC!

The main characters all live in a small village where they are scared of the color red and dare not go near it. They bury anything of that color so that the demons won’t attack them. Unfortunately, one of their members is gravely injured towards the end of the film, but that’s actually when the main plot begins. The main character must now venture outside of the village to get some medicine from the outside world, but since she is blind…can she really defend herself against the demons? Only time will tell!

Well…there’s not a whole lot of good things to say about it. The only good thing that I can say is that the design for the villains was decently good. They certainly seemed like a bit of a threat even if they were extremely slow. So, that’s a plus. Beyond that, the film really just makes mistakes at every corner and even the plot twists are fairly predictable even if they should be. Of course, they do help to create a lot of plot holes and face palm moments.

None of the characters are likable so I should get that out of the way first. The main villain is a psycho who wants to hurt people. We’ve seen this kind of villain many times before and it’s never been enjoyable. He just brings the film down more and more. The main character is blind as I mentioned, which makes for a climax that is hard to believe. Are we really supposed to believe that she can traverse through a forest that she’s never been in before and make a multi hour journey over to the nearest town, get some supplies and find her way back home again? There’s just no way and her fight against the “demons” was also rather unbelievable.

The other villagers are all fairly slow on the uptake as they fall for multiple tricks their whole lives. Have none of them considered fighting the demons who are extremely slow and look rather old? Instead, they all hide in the basement and in the attic as if they were children. A whole village should consider defending themselves a little more than that. That being said, this is the same village whose men didn’t mind leaving a blind girl to fend for herself in a harsh environment so we shouldn’t be too surprised.

One of the main reasons why this film was so terrible was that there was also a lot of animal violence. Several animals are skinned and destroyed in very cruel ways. It’s pretty violent and just one of the many reasons why you should skip this film. It’s just distasteful and adds nothing to the film except to remind us that the villagers are all rather insane. The writing is unbelievably bad as well and none of the characters seems to have an original thought. There are so many red herrings that you begin to wonder if there is even a plot anymore.

An example of this is a security guard who throws a lot of veiled threats at one of the workers and the guard never actually appears on screen. He’s just around to intimidate the audience and try to make the film scary. The director/writers probably wanted this film to be really scary, but it ended up just being rather boring instead. At one point, the heroes all discuss their sob stories in an attempt to justify what they have been doing the whole time, but it’s just an excuse to discuss some dark happenings in the film to make the whole thing tougher to watch.

The main guy also deserves to be singled out as to how bad he was. His big scene is basically him yelling at the main girl as he tells her that he can be quiet if he wants too. It’s a terrible speech and he’s basically just being mean to her because he can. I’m glad that the romance never went anywhere as the guy was a terrible role model and makes the kids from Jurassic World look good. I miss the days when the kids were all like Arthur from the famous animated series. That guy knew what to do. The Chief of The Village condones just about anything and his final speech can’t save him. He goes for the Oscar Bait as he gives what he thinks is a heart warming speech, but it is incredibly generic and just not interesting.

The Village is the kind of film that you wouldn’t expect to get a theater release. It feels like an indie film that simply wasn’t good and is relying on the creepy factor to keep itself going. None of the characters are realistic and there’s no good scenery to look at. Forget about having a soundtrack either and I could go on and on about how bad the film was. It’s the kind of film that could almost make Sucker Punch look good. This film wasn’t even exciting or had any good action scenes and it just felt like a waste of time. Luckily, I had extremely low hopes going into the film and had a feeling that it would be something like 1 star, but it’s not always fun to be right.

Overall, Don’t watch this film. It’s time to stop mentioning all of the negatives and just wrap this up as you get the point. This review was definitely a negative one and I can’t begin to describe just how bad it was. It felt like the film dragged on forever and it continues to remind me why I’m not a fan of horror films. You could argue that this isn’t a complete horror film, but no matter what genre it was, it wouldn’t have been good. When the writing is terrible and all of the characters are unlikable, there’s really nothing that can save such a title. Go check out Terminator 2 if you want to see an epic film instead as this Village is just depressingly bad.

Overall 1/10

The Bad Seed Review

Posted on February 18, 2015 by dreager1

Well, it’s time to look at a really old film that couldn’t manage to be that good. It’s an uncommon occurrence, but we have seen it occur as with the Picture of Dorian Grey. This film is much worse than that one and we’re talking 2001 levels of wince worthiness. The concept doomed the film from the start so there’s not much that it could have done, but it still managed to underwhelm.

Christine’s life seems to be just about perfect. Her husband is a hard working member of the army and her daughter is extremely polite. Mix that in with her nice neighbors and she really couldn’t hope for better. Unfortunately, her life begins to unravel once she finds out that her daughter is not quite as nice as she appears. No, she is actually pretty bad and now she must decide what to do with Rhoda. Will she even be able to do something about this situation?

Well, I’ve got to start somewhere so let’s just look at one of the film’s big problems from the get go. That’s the plot. For horror films, I prefer (in this order) the villain to be a Kaiju>>>Monster>>>Alien>>Super Powered Thug>>>Random guy>>>Friend>>>Family Member>>>Main Character. I never like it when the big villain actually turns out to be a family member or the main character. “The main character is the villain” twist almost never works and it makes it hard to root for anyone. I also don’t care for the friend ultimately becoming the big villain either in this kind of film although it can work out depending on how it’s handled. In a more comic bookey film like the Avengers, it works out beautifully, but imagining that subplot in an old film like this one…well it wouldn’t work.

It’s naturally used because a twist like this can really be milked for emotional value and you know that the characters will have a tough time taking Rhoda to the authorities despite the fact that she is a murderer. Well, it may cause some drama for the characters, but as a film plot, it’s more annoying than anything else. The heroes know what they should do and watching them not do it can be sad. By “them” I’m really talking about Christine.

The Bad Seed also drags on a lot. It may only be a little over 2 hours, but it’ll feel like 3 by the time that it is done. I was 1 hour into the film and I thought that we were at the ending because it had been so long. Little did I know that we weren’t quite done yet. It helps that we all know how mean Rhoda is, but the characters refuse to believe it for a while. So, you can only watch a villain trick the heroes with a cutesy act for so long before you begin to get bored.

The film did opt for a different ending than the book and both have their demerits so it’s tough to say which is better. Naturally, I can’t even go too much into this area for spoiler reasons, but the best ending would have been to send Rhoda to jail. This doesn’t get to happen, but I’m happy that the aunt got to survive. She was definitely one of the better characters in the film and she really meant well. She even has a Lovebird so you can tell that she’s a respectable person. The film doesn’t resort to animal violence so I’ll give the film some props there.

The film has one character named Leroy who doesn’t add anything to the movie. He is just here to the audience has another unlikable character to root against. I suspect that this is supposed to make you want to take Rhoda’s side despite what she has done. They simply didn’t need to add this guy and at least his wisecrack about someone being lonely doesn’t go anywhere. I was expecting it too and for Rhoda to destroy him, proving that her skills can be used for good. That doesn’t happen though and we’re left with a bad character.

Rhoda is definitely not good as well. Her reasons for destroying people boil down to one thing. She simply wants whatever she can’t have and she’ll destroy anyone to get it. She destroys a kid, an old lady, and an adult so she covers all of the bases. Naturally, this doomed her as a character from the start and we have more cases of civilian deaths, which aren’t cool. Destroying characters who can’t fight back is always pretty distasteful and it was yet another nail in the coffin for this movie. It’s also a stretch that the kid made it to the raft and the lifeguard didn’t notice, but Rhoda tends to plan for everything.

Christine also deserves some of the blame since she tries to cover this up rather than going to the proper authorities like she should have. That was a critical mistake on her part and it’s something that she should have tried a little harder to avoid. Instead of doing that, she just decides to cross the line and it’s not a great move. I also have to question the ending because it means that the shot must not have hit something critical. I don’t see how you can miss at such close range.

The film has an interesting tale about bad seeds and the theory where you can inherit being evil through your genes as opposed to the environment shaping you. It’s the Nature vs Nurture argument that people like to discuss and it’s naturally a bit of a mix. I’m more on the Nature side as in the soul, but that doesn’t necessarily mean the genes. You can inherit someone’s looks and probably a bit of their character as well, but the choices between good and evil are ultimately your own. Nobody’s destined to be a great person or to be a bad one. That’s simply something that you decide from the get go. The film suggests otherwise and I definitely disagree there. Rhoda became a bad person on her own and it ultimately came back to bite her.

Still, if the whole film had just been a discussion between the professionals, that could have been entertaining. Listening to theories and such is always pretty enjoyable and it may not be for everyone, but 2 hours of that could actually be amusing so long as they don’t begin to run in circles. I suppose that just about everything would have been an improvement for this film though. It didn’t even have a soundtrack to protect us from the events. Had the villain been the neighbor’s daughter and she was attacking the heroes, that could have been more amusing. They’d still need to cut out her attack on the old lady and the kid, but it could have worked. “Could” being the key word of course.

Overall, The Bad Seed is a film that I highly suggest skipping. It’s really just a tragedy film where you watch the main characters cry and experience more sad events as the movie goes on. We naturally get to see the victim’s mom appear and we find out that the experience basically broke her. She is now a drunk and then Christine basically breaks by the end. If I want to see something breaking, I’ll look at a documentary of Super Smash Bros Brawl’s reputation! Tragedies are like Horrors in the fact that neither one of them tends to be very good. If you want a film with some sad scenes that is still great, check out Yugioh Bonds Beyond Time. We do get an emotional death and things tend to get very intense very quickly, but it balances that out with good plot progression and some action. Just watching the sad scenes over and over again does not make a film and that’s where The Bad Seed went wrong.

Overall 1/10

Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle Review

Posted on December 11, 2014 by dreager1

The Angels are back and they’re better than ever…..or are they? The sequel falls into many of the same holes as the first film and it still doesn’t make for a good viewing experience. It’s hard to really enjoy the fights when you have to cringe because one of the main characters has let out another wince worthy line. The fanservice may have been reduced a lot at first, but the film makes sure to correct that in the second half. All I can say is…this doesn’t bode well for the franchise as a whole.

The film starts out with a pretty sad scene in the desert that can really sum up the film. The three angels realize that they are going to have to use their physical attributes to solve the case once again so Natalie handles that part while her partners try to free a captive. The captive trips and busts a rib so the distraction doesn’t work as well as they thought. Alex has the foresight to say something along the lines of “They don’t stand a chance” when the captive mentions how it’s just the three of them against 50 beer guzzlers. Then….the Angels are unable to take down almost any of them. They all go into their poses, but one guy takes out a gun. Obviously, this means that they should run away so they dive out the window with the guy who has a broken rib. No worries…he endures the fall.

The writers must have realized that this was an utterly terrible way to show us how tough the main characters are so he fixes that by giving us an over the top moment where the heroes free fall onto a helicopter as they dodge the blades several times until they safely grab on to it. It doesn’t look believable in any setting, but I suppose that it’ll have to do. The real mission involves recovering two rings that can leak the identities of all undercover operatives on the planet or just from the U.S.A. The villains already have both rings so they’ve probably downloaded the names onto a USB drive by now, but the heroes are confident that the villains would never do such a thing! The villains are waiting until someone buys the rings from them to make a move and they wouldn’t want to copy the data as insurance or anything…..it would violate the buyer’s trust after all!

Now that we’ve talked about the rather shaky plot, let’s discuss some of the film’s negatives. I suppose that we should tackle the whole fanservice part first. If there was ever a film that openly supported sexism and objectification it was Charlie’s Angels. I have to assume that the show was better, but this film quickly follows that. The heroines are always completing their jobs by using false deductive skills or just wooing the villains. Natalie uses quite a few double entendre in a short amount of time to distract the villain so that the other two agents could do some recon. It’s just sad to see because you know that this wouldn’t be the case if a guy was the main character. I try not to pull that card too often since you could probably go around in circles discussing it in various films, but this one makes it too easy. Would James Bond have ran away from a room full of guys if he was with two other 009 agents? I have a feeling that he would not, but I suppose that it is debatable. He does go around seducing people, but he typically does it for the lulz since he is already solving the case.

The worst scene is easily the nightclub one where the Angels are reduced to being strippers who dance for perverted people’s entertainment. It’s sad that they are so committed to their job since anyone with an ounce of self respect would have told Charlie to think of a real plan. He probably didn’t think of this one, but none of the Angels should have either. Remember…there is always another way. One that will keep their dignity with them! Before that, the fanservice was bad, but not as all over the place as the first film. This one had sooooo much that it basically threw that feat out the window.

Romance is always on the minds of the three main characters and I like to think that it certainly holds them back. It clouds their judgment and it makes them look pretty bad. Hitting on surfers or even the local jogger is something that you will see them do. Keep in mind that two of them are supposedly taken already. There is a really rushed romance plot with Dylan since she doesn’t have someone yet, but it just makes her look bad and it doesn’t help the Thin Man either. He was one of the villains from the last film who vanished without a trace. He appears here for a quick race (Where he crashes headfirst into a road and there is an explosion, but he gets up like nothing happened because the script probably didn’t finish that part up) and then a spar with the main villain of the film. He and Dylan then share a moment of passion before he is quickly terminated and you are left wondering what just happened. They’re really stretching it here with how quickly a romance can just start up and it’s sad. Dylan is still my least favorite Angel although I suppose that this isn’t saying a whole lot.

Seamus is the big villain of the film or I guess you can say that he’s just the sub villain. He’s got his own plan in all of this, but he’s technically still a lackey to Madison. (Albeit, unknowingly) He wants to destroy Dylan because she sold him out to the police,m which is pretty petty so the film actually portrayed him accurately there. Thus, he’s about as unlikable as you would expect. The film once again tries to show that just training a little in jail can get you onto the same level as one of the Angels. He is able to give Dylan a pretty good fight and that’s more than a little sad for her. In the “epic” confrontation scene where it’s him and some gang members it would have been fun to have seen a big fight. Seamus basically embodies the whole “One and Done” theme for villains that we see in the films. He’s unlikable from start to finish so you’ll probably forget him pretty quickly.

“I was never good…I was great!” is Madison’s most memorable lines since she’s crying and the actress was probably hoping for an Oscar Nomination there. There’s no reason for her to cry there, but she is a little deranged so I suppose that it’s fitting. For the most part, she’s actually a pretty good villain, but she shows her true colors in the climax where she spends too much time bragging to remember that there are 3 Angels on the loose. Losing her guns after that was also rather embarrassing. She is a good fighter though and I have a feeling that she was a better angel than the 3 new members. Too bad she went over to the dark side.

The main three angels are as unlikable as in the first film. Natalie gets her obligatory dance scene at the beginning where she is joined by the other two this time and she plays the seduction card the most. I could have sworn that she had an iconic line where she said “Bring it on _______” but I didn’t recall hearing it this time. It also sums up her character a little since just saying “Bring it On” is intense enough as a catchphrase. She has a romance subplot that gives her another dance scene, but it certainly doesn’t help her case. Dylan is pretty much written out of the film for a while, but her subplot is a major factor in the plot. She decides to leave the team for about 5-10 minutes because she is worried that staying with them will result in their untimely demise. What she does not suspect is that joining forces with them won’t make a whole lot of difference.

Alex isn’t great either because she keeps up a pretense that is bad for the Dad. It’s a really unnecessary subplot that fills the Dad with sad ideas about what his daughter has become. He never finds out the truth as the film ends either so he really got the short end of the stick. Even ignoring the subplot, Alex just isn’t much better than the other two. She’s still in the romance fad even though she has a boyfriend, which is pretty unacceptable to be honest. You should probably leave the team once you are romantically involved with someone.

A solid soundtrack was one of the only positives for the first film, but it was unsurprisingly changed to a more generic array of songs in this film. We even get the retro Hollywood theme, which is fun, but basically public domain. The fights are also typically a highlight and I will admit that they do put some life into the film. It was cool to see Madison take out the three angels with her superb marksmanship and I think that was when we all realized that some plot hax would probably be necessary in the climax. As least the film tried to be subtle about it, but it was still pretty sad.

On a final note, a new Bosley joined the crew here. I definitely didn’t buy his Irish scene where he tricked someone into letting him in by pulling the race card. It’s a well played card for the most part, but I just don’t see it working here. It’s hard to say whether he beats the old Bosley or not, but he actually might. He’s very down to Earth and he’s excited about being a part of the team. That means that he’s completely immune to the Angels’ tricks and the whole romance game is beneath him. His Home Run at the end was also pretty intense and I applauded his bold effort in Clue. If you’re going to play a board game, you should always be confident of your imminent victory. He was actually better than…100% of the cast. I hardly liked the rest of the characters so it’s not an immense feat, but we’ll take it.

Overall, Full Throttle is an apt title for the film since it really just plunges into just about every film hole that you can think of. We had way too much fanservice and romance in this film and the plot wasn’t very well thought out. There are too many subplots for the film to handle as well since we have old Angels coming virtually and physically as well as the guy who wants to destroy Dylan because of their tragic history. This is the kind of film that should be good popcorn fun, but it just isn’t because of all the unnecessary content. I definitely can’t recommend this film to anyone and you’re better off staying away from the franchise as a whole. I plan on getting the Gamecube video game for the Charlie’s Angels since it can help to partially restore the franchise’s rep, but we shall see. Until then, watch the animated Wonder Woman film for a better depiction of how a female warrior gets her point across.

Overall 1/10

Pitch Perfect Review

Posted on December 4, 2014 by dreager1

If you’ve been a loyal follower of my blog reviews then you can probably tell that this is not going to be a positive review. How could it be when it’s a musical that basically revolves around fan service and suggestive material? The poster can basically sum up the film, but you still can’t judge a film until you’ve seen a few pics or a still and watching the whole thing gives you more credibility as well. Let’s see where it messed up.

There are a few A Capella groups that compete across the various districts in Regional Tournaments. They make all of the music and sounds using just their mouths so no instruments are allowed. One year, one of the schools panics and the victory ends up going to the Treblemakers. Well, a year has passed and the girls decide that they are going to win this year. The problem is that there are only two members left so they go to recruit some people.

This takes us to the main character. Her name is Beca and she’s not a very sociable person. She just wants to be a DJ so she blows off her classes once she arrives at this new college. Her father is a professor there and he tells her that if she sticks with a club until the end of the year and still doesn’t like it…he’ll help her find a place in L.A. to become a DJ. She ~~actually~~ believes this and quickly decides to join the A Capella group alongside Fat Amy. Other girls quickly join the club through tryouts (The club just picks them all since they’re desperate) and now the girls have a chance to win the tournament and get everyone to admit that the Trebelmakers are last year’s news. Speaking of which….the Trebelmakers bring in a new guy as well. He happens to be Beca’s coworker so he’s pretty talented. This could be a close match!

It’s a little hard to know where to start when discussing this film. It’s basically a modernized Bring It On and the scary part is that it actually may contain more fanservice and suggestive material. That is saying a Lot if you are familiar with Bring It On. Of course, I haven’t seen that film in quite a long time so it’s possible that it’s still the much worse film. You just can’t get away from all of the inappropriate jokes and lines. It’s almost literally every other sentence so you’re basically doomed as soon as it has begun.

The “Big” scenes also don’t do it for me. You know the kind of scene that I mean right? The one where the audience is supposed to jump up and say thing like “Hey!” “All right” or “That’s what I’m talking about.” Action scenes where this applies is: When Coulson shoots Loki, Superman tackles Zod, or when Godzilla blasts Muto. So, our equivalent here might be when Beca starts to sing on stage as she wrecks Aubrey’s plan, When she jumps in during the underground tournament, or when she leads them into their final song. These are the “Big” moments for the film, but I can safely say that I didn’t get up and start cheering. It’s simply a different kind of scene and not one that I can get into. (It helps that she was rapping in the second scene) They were bold moves on her part, but that’s about all that I can say for it. It didn’t help me like her more as a character.

Beca is basically your average main character for this kind of film. The twist is that she can be a little goth, but she is actually a nice person deep down. She likes DJ a lot so she is familiar with rap songs. This comes back to bite her later since A Capella groups simply don’t rap. (The Trebepmakers evidently forget this as they rap for their final song.) Beca is pretty reasonable at first sonce she decides that she is mot going to fall for the romance trap. You can imagine that this definitely did not last long. She falls into all of the tropes that you would expect her to fall into, but that definitely doesn’t help her character.

Aubrey is the mean leader who is always living in the past. I can respect the fact that she heavily enforces the anti romance rules for the club, but she doesn’t have the best reasoning for it. It is definitely hard to find her likable so I am sure that we were all hoping that Beca would take the reins sooner than later.

Chloe is Aubrey’s partner and she could be the best main character in theory. It is a little “by default” but we will take it. She is nice to Beca and she revolts against Aubrey’s leadership at times, but she still isn’t a very good character. She should have been a little bolder in her quest to win the tournament. Taking the lead like Beca did would have helped with that.

~~Fat~~ Amy is the fan favorite character who gets a pretty big role. She’s the one who brings a lot of the main characters together in the first place. She’s portrayed to be the overweight character who’s actually pretty smart and well versed in the ways of the world. It makes you feel bad for the other characters at times since they are so outmatched. That being said, she’s still not very likable. She falls into all of the faults that the other characters possess and she’s too interested in the romance angle. (All of them are to an extent though)

There are other members of the main squad, but they don’t really have much of a role in this story. Lilly’s gimmick was particularly annoying since her voice was so soft that nobody could hear her. You know what that means right? We get a scene at the end where she begins to rap and all of the characters are blown away. At the very least, the audience is supposed to do a double take. One member seems to be there just so we can have some more jokes to make about how easy the guys are.

Jesse is the main guy, but he’s a pretty bad character from start to finish. Beca keeps trying to stay as platonic friends during the intro of the film, but Jesse won’t have that for a second. This is a film so naturally they both become pretty close by the end, but then Jesse quickly deserts Beca after one of her outbursts. He started things so it looks kind of sad for him to be rushing out so quickly. He’s also a talented singer though, which is pretty lucky for him considering the circumstances. Now he can stay relevant to the plot. He definitely didn’t do anything for me.

The leader of the Trebelmakers is the main villain and he’s as sad as you would expect. He’s actually pretty good and his team won the tournament many times in the previous years. If he was a nice person, things would probably be very different. That being said, you can’t blame him for ditching the team to become rich and famous. He definitely could have told his teammates about this in a nicer way, but that’s just how his character is. I’m pretty sure that we would all make a similar decision or maybe try to do both, but we would certainly not let go of the money.

The announcers for the shows are good when they’re insulting all of the competitors, but that’s about all that they are good for. They still make way too many crude jokes so that you can’t actually enjoy what they are saying. The film seemed like it just wanted to go overboard in every way possible. The stereotype that every guy is perverted is also getting really old very quickly. It makes them look soooo terrible.

Finally, the film lost a lot of points on the actual singing and dancing. At least have them sing some respectable songs! The heroes are typically using their bodies to wow the audience and the lyrics can be forgettable. I was actually rooting for the Trebelmakers based on their songs for a while, but then their final one just threw that out the window. The main characters are basically objectifying themselves in order to win a simple trophy and that’s hardly worth the effort. It’s also pretty degrading to their characters to participate in this.

The film doesn’t really have much of a soundtrack beyond the musical parts, but I didn’t really enjoy the songs. The film is really just a bundle of negatives for me that have been rolled into a film. It’s pretty enjoyable in the few instances where there are no crude lines, but that’s like eating a giant bowl of tomatoes (Or insert food that you don’t like) to find a chocolate chip. So, I really can’t say that the film had any pros. The script just doomed it instantly and the fanservice certainly didn’t help matters.

Overall, Pitch Perfect is about what you would expect. It’s the kind of film that I couldn’t recommend to a guy on principle. Technically, it’s more or less okay for all others, but you can still find something nicer to enjoy like Yugioh. The fanservice is just too much as it corrodes the film and every character is basically objectified. The songs also tend to be pretty edgy and the rapping didn’t help matters. This just shows how bad a script can be when film writers don’t know what to do except for the classic rule that fanservice sells. There’s also a scene that shows us how an animal has been mistreated for a while, which is supposed to be funny, but just made the film sink a little more. Seriously, go watch High School Musical instead!

Overall 1/10

Charlie’s Angels Review

Posted on November 28, 2014 by dreager1

Well, it’s been a little over 2 years since I last saw this film, which brings it up to 2-3 times that I’ve seen it so far. It’s a pretty neat concept and I’ve heard that the show was pretty good, but the film has a lot of flaws that are barely hidden beneath the surface. It had a lot of potential thanks to some of the techniques that they used, which will remind you of the good ole films, but it’s simply not enough.

Charlie’s Angels is actually one of those films that can make you really worried for a Wonder Woman or Ms. Marvel film. Let’s just say that if one of those films was like this one, it would make audiences around the world shudder. A 30% on Rotten Tomatoes would likely shock me as it could be even lower. This one is spared that because of when it came out. I can guarantee that if this film came out now it would make waves…and not the good kind!

The plot involved a multi billionare (Probably) named Charlie. He hires three women to work for him as they stop crimes that no ordinary police force ever could. Their missions are dangerous, but these women are even deadlier! Natalie, Dylan, and Alex are the three main characters and they’re all pretty different, but are about equal in overall fighting technique. (Very, Very arguable) Well, they finish another mission when they find out that a computer whiz has been kidnapped. He has created a tech that can figure out a person’s voice print pretty quickly. It’s like tapping a phone, but it works on the actual voice. The Angels must find him and stop this from getting into the wrong hands.

Now, I just have to point something out about the premise that is pretty interesting. The climax involves Charlie making a phone call and the villain stalling him to try and figure out his location through the voice prints. It’s like a GPS and using some satellites he can track him down. That’s cool….until you remember that we can actually tap phones nowadays and you can track a person’s real location without inventing some made up technology about the voice prints. So, why is the voice print even necessary? Your guess is as good as mine…….the only way out of this logic hole would be if phone tracers had not been invented yet, but I’m pretty sure that they have been.

Okay, let’s quickly digress into some of the positives for the film. It has a very Dragon Ball Evoloution feel to it, which works pretty well. We get a lot of slow motion, interesting action shots, and facial expressions that would make film creators proud. It’s hard to describe how it feels like “That” kind of film, but watch any classic video game or manga inspired film like the one I just mentioned or the original Street Fighter and you’ll get my jist.

The soundtrack is also very intense. I can’t confirm that the lyrics for all of the songs are okay since some of the songs can be sketchy, but others were great. We got some really fast paced rock/battle themes that were all over the place and it made the scenes a whole lot more fun. It’s the kind of soundtrack that would never win you an Oscar, but that’s actually a good thing in this case. Oscar films can actually have some good tunes as well, but never anything quite like this. For every good song, there is still a bad song as well to highlight the fact that this film still uses a lot of not very subtle fanservice in between (and during) fight scenes. Ah well, I’ll take what I can get I suppose!

Dylan is my least favorite member of the Angels so I’ll start with her. She’s a decent fighter like the others, but she comes off as more of a tom boy. That doesn’t stop her from using her charm to seduce the characters that she can, but it ultimately results in a pretty embarrassing moment for her. Let’s just say that you should never start hanging out with a suspect so casually unless you want to get burned. Even without that scene she was likely my least favorite, but it certainly didn’t help her case.

Natalie is more laid back, but she still needs romance in her life so she quickly brings in a bar tender that she met and they instantly made it past the bounds of friendship. That was quick and then she went off to continue fighting and saving the world. Again, I find it hard to like her at all since she needs to have more hobbies aside from romance. She danced for a while, but it was pretty bad and again..it didn’t help her case.

Alex is the final member and she already has a stable romance going so she’s already set from the get go. Again, it’s hard to like the Angels because they don’t seem to have much of a personality beyond the romance. It’s quite sad. They are also willing to do just about anything to complete their mission so you almost start to feel bad for their boyfriends. (Almost! They’re not exactly innocent either) She can fight as well, which is good since you would be doomed otherwise against the villains.

Bosley is another one of the main characters and he looks pretty bad. One of his first scenes has him give the girls a long speech about love and how they can make it stronger while they’re basically mocking him and then he proceeds to get tricked by one of the main villains. (Naturally, the villain was female) He has enough strength of mind to tell her that he was going to keep it professional, but he still looked really terrible by letting her in the house from the start. You don’t do that when you have a billion dollar program inside and the person outside the door is a suspect.

There’s not much to say about Charlie. He’s rich and he’s old, but he barely gets to appear. At least he reminds the Angels that he’s watching over them before sending them on extremely dangerous missions. One of the main villains is known as the Thin Man and he’s pretty awesome…at first. We find out that he has something for hair and he gets a little too emotionally involved in that aspect. You just knew that the film would find some way to wreck his character. He started out as a really serious villain as he took on the three main characters. By the end, he was reduced to getting clobbered in a one on one fight and basically running for the hills. No worries…he’ll be back!

It may not sound that bad from all of that, but there is one ultimate reason why it was doomed right from the get go. The fanservice! This could probably hold its own against just about anything else in this area. You’ll get a scene that fits this description in almost every scene in the film. Whether the heroes are seducing someone to distract him or just striking unnecessary poses, it’s just sad. Every male character is presented to be someone who’s heads over heels for them. The guys just care about their outer appearance and none of them are morally ethical. It’s pretty sad to see guys depicted like this. It’s actually common place to an extent, but certainly not to this level. Even in James Bon….well, it’s basically at the same level. It’s just more fanservice than actually going further while it’s the opposite in James Bond.

An example of this is the traditional planning scene where the heroes explain what the security is like. The camera quickly zooms in on their mouth so we can have some really awkward visuals to distract us from what they’re actually saying. It’s pretty cringe worthy. It’s what drives this film down to Sucker Punch levels. Of course, Sucker Punch didn’t suffer from fanservice, but that’s another story. It’s a sad coincidence that those two films are down at the 1’s because they both could have been very good. What happened? The film just needed a different director and writer and then maybe it could have stood a chance.

After all, the fight scenes are pretty good when they happen. At one point, the three Angels team up to fight someone and he actually holds his own against the three of them for a while. It’s fun to watch, but it definitely doesn’t make the main characters look impressive. How can the three of them be having such a tough time when it’s so early in the film? Obviously, the writers forgot that you’re supposed to make the characters very likable and strong before you give them a villain that they can’t defeat.

The two main villains are pretty bad as well. One of them has a gun, but she’s still strong enough to give one of the Angels a tough time in hand to hand combat. If someone who seems like she doesn’t have that much time to train can give them a good fight….just how tough are the Angels? It definitely makes you wonder. The guy is very weak, but he knows that the main characters are always using their charms so he just uses that to his advantage. A surprisingly cunning strategy, but it never would have worked on a halfway decent character. Never!

Overall, Charlie’s Angels isn’t any better than I remember it. The film still puts too much emphasis on the heroes’ bodies and not enough on their character. Every other scene will have you looking away or wincing because you know that the film is just getting started. The soundtrack is pretty good and the actual plot is so retro that it still works despite the logical errors. It’s simply not enough to overlook this and it won’t help the feminist position. Let’s face it, we’d never have a film where three guys are constantly being used for fanservice throughout the film. It wouldn’t happen. Instead of checking out this film, watch the original Mortal Kombat to see how the film could have/should have/would have gone if the writers had realized sooner what they had done. There was simply tooooooo much fanservice here and I can’t stress enough just how sad it was. I highly recommend skipping it, no matter what type of film you’re looking for.

Overall 1/10

	thezofinfinity on Alien vs One Above All
	thezofinfinity on Why Mario Odyssey is better th…
	thezofinfinity on Why Mario Odyssey is better th…
	thezofinfinity on Sonic vs One Above All
	thezofinfinity on Sonic vs One Above All
	Anonymous on Invisible Woman vs Molecule…

DReager1.com

The Ultimate Fighting/Review Site

Category Archives: 1 Star Movies

The Fog (2005) Review

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer Review

The Conjuring Review

Pixels Review

The Lazarus Effect Review

The Village Review

The Bad Seed Review

Charlie’s Angels Full Throttle Review

Pitch Perfect Review

Charlie’s Angels Review

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: