Category Archives: 2 Star Movies

Hills of Home Review

Posted on by
Reply


You ever start watching a film and almost immediately start thinking to yourself, “Get this stuff off of my screen!!?” Well that is what happens with this film as it is definitely a thumbs down almost immediately. It makes every kind of mistake in the book as it puts Lassie through way too much. There aren’t really any redeeming values to be had with this film and so it ends up being a heavy thumbs down. Definitely a title that you will want to skip at all costs.

The movie starts by showing us that Lassie is on tough times as she is owned by a rather cruel owner. He traumatizes her into being deathly afraid of the water and fortunately her next owner ends up being a doctor named William. He is kinder but also in a rush and initially tries to sell Lassie off. Fortunately his conscience wins out and he keeps her. William is pretty busy as the only doctor around with a never ending stream of patients. He is getting older too but the guy doesn’t complain about it and just keeps on working as hard as he can. Will he be able to cure Lassie of her fears or is this one mission that will be too difficult even for him?

I won’t say that he’s a perfect character though because he does betray Lassie a few times here. Aside from selling her the first time, he also yells at her at different occasions and isn’t very patient with her fears. You would think as a doctor that he would know how difficult these things can be to get over but instead he doesn’t act all that sympathetic. He’s a fun enough character when it comes to interacting with the other humans, he just doesn’t seem like he’s the biggest dog person.

He’s also not that smart as he lets one of his “friends” get away with not paying him back on a lot of loans and then being tricked with Lassie. For starters that isn’t a good friendship and he probably should have asked for some serious money in the end. He let the guy get off easy despite being a major thorn throughout the whole movie. The guy’s son is an aspiring doctor to be but the path forward is made a lot more difficult because of this guy’s objections. Basically the way I would explain it is that the father is very old fashioned in an annoying way.

The aspiring doctor Tammas is okay but way too soft spoken and doesn’t really stand his ground. He gets pushed around so easily and so I never really grew to like the guy all that much. He’s okay at best but that’s a main problem for the film as a whole. The characters don’t really stick out and can come across as boring. You certainly aren’t all that invested in any of the characters, I can tell you that much. They come and go without a ton of impact.

As for Lassie, well like I said the film is rather brutal to her the whole time. It’s just so mean spirited and you get the feeling that none of the characters really knew how to handle a dog both in and out of the movie. Whether it’s Lassie being forced to lay down and clearly not wanting to or the whole water trauma moments, it’s all rather distasteful and holds the film back in a massive way. Even throwing in the big time skip at the end as if this was an anime could not save the film. That’s because there was no saving it by that point.

The writing itself isn’t terrible I suppose. We have some nice dialogue at times but there just isn’t much of a point to it all. Even for a complete slice of life film, you are expecting some dynamics to keep you interested and things like that. Instead you have nothing to hold your interest until the storms start setting in. Even when characters get sick you find it hard to care because of how unlikable they are.

Put it this way, even if we remove all of the animal violence, this film would have been probably stuck around a 5-6. It’s just not interesting enough and I tend to enjoy old time films like this one. Well, this time it wasn’t enough to carry the film which is a really big blow. In my opinion it’s not very hard to make very compelling characters in a setting like this. You just have to make them likable so they shouldn’t be doing anything crazy.

The movie is also fairly short even if it can feel long at times. So there isn’t a ton to talk about here beyond what we’ve already gone over. I suppose the final thing is that if you live by a road that is submerged during all big storms, you should probably have a better backup route rather than trying to swim through with your horse. That just seems like a terribly dangerous way to do this and there has to be a better way. There just has to be, because with this way people are going to die sometimes. I didn’t blame the big city doctor for panicking because the whole thing seemed absolutely crazy.

Overall, Hills of Home is definitely a film to stay far away from. It’s incredibly mean spirited and doesn’t really have anything to it. All of the characters have moments where they are acting like big jerks and you get the feeling that they all probably hate each other. After all you don’t just forget the comments so quickly. Whether it was one wife blaming the doctor for not doing well enough, another guy saying his new method for knocking out someone was terrible, everyone laughing at him at the bar, etc.; they were all taking some major shots here. Lassie doesn’t really get the respect that she deserves at any point which is a shame.

Overall 2/10

Frankenstein Created Woman Review

Posted on by
Reply


This poster is massive clickbait. The film is definitely not going in the direction of Frankenstein creating another monster. He does dabble in the souls business though and causes a whole lot of trouble. In the end this turns into a super annoying revenge thriller and so much time is spent on the villains. There is not a satisfying conclusion here and so in the end I have to give the whole production a massive thumbs down. It was just not in a good spot and I was not surprised since Frankenstein is rarely any good.

The film starts off with Hans’ father getting executed and he grows up with the reputation of being the son of a convicted criminal. Hans helps Frankenstein out in the lab, another guy who has been ostracized by society as a whole. Hans does a pretty good job of following the doctor’s lead and helping out when possible. He also liked a lady named Christina who helps her father out at the tavern. Unfortunately she is often picked on and harassed by the locals. One day Hans defends her and fights back so they get revenge by framing him so he is executed as well. Christina bumps herself off so Frankenstein revives her and puts Hans’ soul inside of her. What Frankenstein didn’t realize is that the spirit of vengeance demands blood! The ghost of Hans is now telling Christina that she must destroy all of the oppressors who framed him for death. Can she destroy them all before the cops catch up?

The 3 bullies are terrible characters so you’re totally cool with them being bumped off in painful ways each time. They really didn’t do much to convince you that they deserved anything better. That being said, this is still not helping the movie much because the whole thing is focused on a ton of negativity. It’s a shame how nobody was doing anything about this. Even Christina’s father was not really doing anything to defend her. I don’t care how rich these guys are, you can’t let them mess with your daughter like that. That’s just awful and you really can’t stand for that. The father was one of the worst characters as a result. Not the absolute worst since those 3 still have to take that but he was pretty bad.

I thought Hans could have done a much better job of defending himself to the judge too. You could at least say you weren’t at the scene of the crime if you don’t want to expose the relationship with Christina. Mentioning the relationship probably would have been a good idea though when death is the alternative as she doesn’t want him dead either. Dying definitely ended up breaking down his psyche with how crazy he got later on.

Also, the revenge is slightly less satisfying with Christina allowing the villains to have their way a bit first. Sure, she knows she will have the last laugh but I’d have preferred a much more direct approach where they don’t have a chance to really get any kind of quick victory. They just didn’t deserve to have any kind of positives here. I’m struggling to think of any real likable character in this movie to be honest. Frankenstein’s assistant Hertz knows a lot of dark secrets and never tells anyone. This is portrayed as him being a good friend but instead what it tells me is that he will always look the other way and that is absolutely not a good idea. When people are doing evil things, the right thing to do is to expose them. So yeah Hertz is compromised.

Also while Christina is really the victim of a lot of this, it doesn’t help that she murders herself twice. You feel bad for her and would have hoped that the film could have given her some kind of a happy ending. The whole thing just feels so mean spirited, like there is absolutely no hope out there. That’s really a big downer for the film as a whole. I wouldn’t say it really had any particularly happy segments, at least none that lasted for any real long period of time. Even Hans and Christina finally getting together couldn’t last because the villains were yelling through the window the whole time. That romance was a bit too rushed though and wasn’t needed.

So the movie is bogged down by lots of heavy violence, some fanservice, and generally being more of a depressing picture. Frankenstein makes for a good villain but he doesn’t appear as much as he should. I like that he’s the only character who can talk tough to everyone. Generally he isn’t afraid of anyone and has a really confident demeanor to him. This guy just keeps on going and it’s quite brilliant. You just can’t forget that he’s super evil here. At no point should you think he is sympathetic or heroic because he makes it clear just how many people he is willing to sacrifice for his experiments. He doesn’t even hesitate to let Hans get executed after all.

Overall, This is one of those films that goes all in on the shock value and doesn’t have much else to offer. This town would be absolutely dreadful to live in with pretty much all of the inhabitants being evil. They look forward to executions and look the other way when crimes are happening. None of these guys would be your friends and would backstab you in an instant. It’s also still weird to watch a Frankenstein film that doesn’t even have the monster at all. I suppose you can always do movies with just the scientist but the monster is typically the big draw. It’s why the poster had the girl version but that design never happens either. Instead this is more of a possession slasher movie. Either way it’s not like the movie would have been much better. I’m sure it would still be terrible so my best advice is to stay far away from this film. You really don’t want to get mixed up with this series. When you see Frankenstein in the title and particularly if it’s a Hammer film, run far away!

Overall 2/10

Oujia: Origin of Evil Review

Posted on by
Reply


When you have a movie about Ouija, the odds of it being good are super slim to none. There’s just not much you can do with this demonic board game and of course the whole premise tends to revolve around a bunch of annoying characters deciding to play it because they’re bored. Not a particularly good idea and things tend to spiral from there. This one does not try to shake up that formula in any way which is too bad. It’ll not go down in history as one of the all time greats.

The movie starts with Alice doing a spooky seance for an old man who wants to know if his wife would approve him doing a pretty bad transaction. Alice may not have powers but she does know how to scam people along with the help of her two daughters Lina and Doris. Ultimately the scam doesn’t go too well as they scare him a bit too much and Alice ends up not accepting his money. Ever since her husband died, she has had to take drastic measures in order to take care of her family and one of these measures was to become a professional scammer. She has everything set up around the house and she even decides to buy a Ouija board. The problem is that it comes with a free demon and this thing is now messing with Doris. Doris is now exhibiting supernatural powers but also becoming more sinister and violent. Can Alice do anything about this?

The two girls go to school where we have Father Tom at the ready so at least he has some spiritual defenses but unfortunately as it would usually appear, his powers aren’t as good as the villains. He’s basically defenseless when it counts. It’s too bad because he is a nice guy and definitely the best character in the film. He does his best to keep everyone in check and also doesn’t break his vows to start a romance with Alice who can seem a little desperate at times. He stays true to himself but ultimately isn’t a huge factor.

Alice is doing her best but at the end of the day I can’t cut her much slack for the scamming. Scamming is really a serious thing. It is one of those crimes that preys on the weak and that makes it even more dishonorable. It also takes her a long while to get with the program that these changes to Doris are pretty bad and have to be stopped.

Lina learns this earlier but in general is also a huge troublemaker so I wouldn’t say that she is a great character or anything like that. My first big gripe with her is how she keeps causing a ton of trouble and breaking the rules when she already knows that her mom is in a tough spot. The least she could do is be on her best behavior but instead she’s constantly flirting with a boy from school, breaking curfew, sneaking out the back, drinking alcohol, etc. Her rebellious phase came in a very big way and it’s definitely disappointing.

Then we have Doris who is super easy for the demon to manipulate. The instant she was talking about invisible friends and stuff the other characters should have shut it down but the sad thing is that it all would have been futile anyway. No matter what she could have done, the demon would have still overpowered her anyway. I will say that the movie does a pretty good job with the CG though. Whenever Doris is possessed she opens her mouth like a huge yawn but they really stretch it out. Think like when Goku was yelling while being crushed by Vegeta. Her mouth gets absolutely huge. Then you also have the possessed eyes although that’s more standard.

The movie’s effects were surprisingly good. I also liked the demon’s design. It looked like a fierce threat and something completely other worldly. That’s about the extent of the credit I can give to the film though. Beyond that like I said it’s just your average horror title. The humans are absolutely outmatched, the demon doesn’t really have much of a weakness, and so there’s nothing to really get invested in. When you know that all of the characters are completely doomed then that takes some of the enjoyment out of the whole thing.

With more likable characters you could at least try something but again, they were all super annoying. That one guy who was trying after Lina was just way too much the whole time so you don’t feel as bad for him as you could have. The whole whispering into the ear trick that the demon does is also a bit on the silly side. Alice’s husband has the idea to staple the villain’s mouth shut but that’s not even a good plan because it involves you needing to be strong enough to overcome the demon in the first place. You need incredible amounts of plot armor for that to even come close to working so it’s barely even a plan at all.

Why can’t he just possess an object or a person and help fight the demon? He is apparently good enough to mess with a little doll so he can affect the real world to a small extent. He’s just got to do a whole lot better than that. I also think Tom should have called the Vatican to send an exorcist over as soon as he knew that something was wrong with the daughter. How much more proof do you need once she is writing in other languages and acting so crazy? He decides to go to the house first and let them know…which is a terrible idea. He knows that she has supernatural powers now so how would that possibly help?

Overall, Ouija definitely has a swing and a miss here. It wasn’t a particularly enjoyable film and one of these days they need to have the heroes fight back a little more. Of course that would mean not having the demon possess a little kid this time. I feel like it usually tends to be the kids but if you pick an adult then we can have some fights. Give the demon some form of a weakness or limitation so that the fights can matter as well. As long as we’re stuck in this cycle, the films will continue to stumble their way to the finish line.

Overall 2/10

Brahms: The Boy II Review

Posted on by
Reply


You know that feeling when the opening credits start to play and you realize that the film is not going to be very good? It’s a rough feeling because it’s like the film made some massive mistakes in the future but the scenes haven’t happened yet so how do you know this? It’s just a gut feeling after years of watching the cinema and I’m afraid that the film could not surpass this. All of the characters act insanely illogical and it’s not even in an intentionally absurdist way. It’s just in a plain old poor writing way and that’s tough to beat.

The film starts off with Liza’s kid Jude being super annoying and pulling pranks to scare her. She’s already made it clear that she doesn’t appreciate this but he doesn’t care. Well, one day the whole crying wolf thing doesn’t go well because an intruder actually is in the house and Jude does not give Liza any kind of heads up. She is defeated by the attackers and now has some severe PTSD. They move in with her husband to a more remote location in the forest area to hopefully help them move on. Jude has been unable to speak since the incident but unfortunately he finds a doll named Brahms underground. This doll may be more than meets the eye and Jude quickly starts to get corrupted.

So one of the many problems here is of course how weak willed Jude is. He immediately allows the doll to take him over without a fight which is pretty annoying. He just follows the doll’s evil rules without any kind of pushback. So much for freewill eh? Not cool and later on he even says that he tries to keep the doll happy so it won’t hurt the others. Wouldn’t a better idea be to tell the family so they can prepare themselves? I also don’t really buy this excuse since Jude was directly the one being crazy a lot of the time.

Jude also should have been talking to the parents instead of only talking to Brahms. So yeah I didn’t like the kid and he was pretty annoying and getting in the way the whole time. Meanwhile the parents take some of the blame as well. When Jude starts talking about how they can’t have any guests anymore, they should have been more serious about telling him that he doesn’t make the rules. They should have taken away the doll a whole lot sooner as well. One instance is when Jude makes some creepy drawings about his parents being murdered. That should have been game over for Brahms instead of not really doing anything about it.

Liza and Sean just didn’t take things seriously in time. None of it feels realistic in the slightest, how are you going to let this kid be so disrespectful and crazy the whole time? Lets ignore the supernatural angle because for now it doesn’t matter. Even if it was a normal doll, it’s clear that it is having a negative effect on Jude so it should be removed. That’s basically the end of the story there. If the doll returns after being buried and burned then that’s tough but at least they’d have given it a good try so I wouldn’t really have complaints there.

The side characters are also annoying like that random cousin who is cartoonishly mean. He basically shows up just to mess with Jude and start a fight. Things don’t go well for him but the whole thing felt pretty forced. then you have the gardener/neighbor Joseph who is rather shady the whole time. He looks worse as the film goes on but yeah it does seem like a security risk to have someone who can randomly walk onto your property at any time. You really can’t let your kid just be hanging out at that point.

The film also can’t avoid the easy pitfall of having animal violence. The dog gets murdered and you’re shaking your head the whole time. Another red flag that the parents ignore in part because they have no proof it was Jude and in part because they’re just not ready for this. The film brutally attacks your intelligence the whole time. The worst part of this is that by extension it makes Brahms look rather weak. For the most part he’s not pulling off any great feats the way that Chucky would. You feel like the parents could have buried him again and if they did it right away then they would be good. After all, that’s how they found him last time. Instead that’s just not what happens here.

As far as horror stinger endings go, I would also say it was on the weak side. It was more about checking off boxes than actually creating a really interesting cliffhanger which was disappointing. I don’t think there’s a whole lot you can do to make this a great series at this point. Films about evil dolls can work but you need to do something more with it. You can’t just have an evil doll and then call it a day. That’s not going to do anything, so you need a hook in addition to that. Maybe making Brahms able to turn his owner into a doll, transforming reality, etc.

Overall, Brahms: The Boy II is definitely a pretty bad film. It’s annoying the whole way through and the parents put up with way too much the whole time. It’s less scary and more so just tiring to see the characters constantly not knowing what to do. Brahms should be more active in a future film so that he is actually causing a lot of damage and talking. Having him just do things off screen at best isn’t good enough and possession is something you can do with any villain so it’s not much of a doll gimmick. I would definitely say to give this film a skip, there’s nothing that it’s really got to keep your attention.

Overall 2/10

Silver Bullet Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for another Werewolf movie! Uh oh, these don’t tend to be all that good most of the time and I’m afraid this title is no exception. You’re rather limited in what you can do with this kind of plot and the movie doesn’t really try and branch out. Everyone is systematically taken down and crushed by the rampaging beast while the heroes try to find a way to overpower it. It won’t be easy though since two of them are kids and the adult tends to be drunk most of the time. Not the strongest trio to save the day.

The film opens up by introducing us to a small town that is quite happy. Everyone gets along and it tends to be rather peaceful around here. Crime just doesn’t happen and when one person is destroyed, they assume it must have been an accident. When two more people get bumped off, they figure there’s a crazy killer on the loose. The problem is that the bodies continue to pile up and there are no real leads. Marty suggests that it could be a werewolf but his uncle Red doesn’t take him all that seriously. Still, Red has decided to protect his family and prepares himself with a silver bullet. Between the actual bullet and Marty’s wheelchair which is also known as the silver bullet, they can defeat any form of evil that appears to cause any trouble.

One of the ways the film immediately tries to lose points by is making the whole cast pretty unlikable. Most of the characters who were bumped off at the beginning are rather unlikable like the bully kid and the alcoholic guy. Then you have someone who was in a scandal because she had an affair with someone. I don’t remember the guard doing anything shifty at the beginning though so that was tough luck. Then among the survivors, well Red is definitely not a great role model so it’s not like he’s going to be a great character. You can’t put him in the same conversation as the others but he still could have been better.

Marty means well but should have defended the heroine more from the pranks near the beginning of the film. It wasn’t really a good look for him and of course he is in a wheelchair so it’s not like he can move around as well as the other characters but I feel like he still could have done something here. At least he does well with the whole Werewolf issue. Marty knows how to drive around on his super wheelchair pretty well, he can even outrun several cars. That takes a lot of skill for a kid to pull this off and he makes it look easy.

The film’s tone isn’t quite as grim as you would expect even with everyone getting bumped off. I think I was expecting it to all be very serious but the film has its share of humor as well. The music randomly gets happy at times too and everything. It can be a little weird to be sure but it could have worked out if the film was better at that. Like throw in some puns and everything and make this part parody. That may have actually worked out better.

After all, this version still has a lot of violence so that isn’t going to help matters. The Werewolf takes a lot of injuries before going down and of course the victims all get brutal ends as well. I think the worst part here for them is that Werewolves are hardly all powerful. Even without a silver bullet you can at least wound and slow one down. The fact that they all panicked with their guns and didn’t shoot until it was too late was awful. The whole point of having a gun is so you can shoot it when the going gets tough. These guys absolutely fumbled the bag in every possible way here.

I would have liked to have seen more of the town meetings because to me that was the strongest part. Have them debate on how to handle this crisis. The sheriff tries talking against the whole community justice because it can get out of hand but in terms of the debate I would say he lost that one. He couldn’t really think of any reasons not to have it that would justify having the town wait on standby. There were already too many victims for that. I think what he should have done was to accept it, but coordinate who goes where himself. That would at least keep it controlled to a degree. It probably wouldn’t have made much of a difference against the Werewolf but that would have been my plan at least.

Also, the writing can be really dicey at times. So the main characters know that the werewolf will be targeting them in the climax. In fact, they know the exact day he will be attacking. So they barricade themselves at home and get ready. Then in the 11th hour, Red starts letting his guard down and even saying the kids should go to bed. He’s ready to fight them over it and doubts it when the girl says she saw a Werewolf. That was just crazy and it’s the kind of scene that would work well if this was a full on parody but we know it isn’t. So that was just bizarre, there’s no way you would even think of sending the kids to bed when the monster could be showing up any second now.

Overall, Silver Bullet is definitely not a good film. It’s a far cry from 1408 which was a whole lot more interesting from the King adaptions. This one is just super basic without anything really going for it. There are no characters that you really want to follow. The most interesting is probably the reverend and he doesn’t get a whole lot to do. The main characters could use a lot of work before they would really be all that likable. The film is definitely quite violent with everyone getting bumped off but lacks purpose beyond that. I would say to definitely skip this one and in general, continue to skip werewolf movies as they aren’t quite up to par yet. This one didn’t even bother with a big plot twist ending which was annoying.

Overall 2/10

Dune: Part 2 Review

Posted on by
Reply


After a fairly impressive start with the first reboot film, Dune fell back into its old ways with part 2 and once again tried to be the next Lord of the Rings in all of the worst ways possible. The movie is long, drawn out, and boring. It makes way too many mistakes and will lose your attention early on. Definitely give it a skip and remind yourself that the world of Dune is just not going to end up being all that great. You’re better off using the spices in your kitchen to make a good dish.

Paul has finally been accepted by the Fremen a little more at least to the point where he can be in the circle. His close friend Chani often still has to save him from the jealous murmurings of the others but it’s not like they’re going to stab him now. Still, to truly become one of them he will have to ride a sandworm and in the process he will also meet the qualifications to become their god. He wants no part of that but it’ll be difficult to prevent these guys from believing in the legends. Will this power end up corrupting him? Also, how far must he go in defending the planet. Will he need to start World War 100 and take down all of the many planets that support the regime or should he continue to play defense and watch his comrades continue to die around him as everyone dies from the spices?

As you can probably guess I am all in for going on the offensive here. The Fremen constantly play defense as more and more people attack, but to what end? The attacks will never stop and so I think you do have to actually go and attack their home planets back. The characters are worried this will escalate far too often and how many people will die but they will all go extinct otherwise. It’s basically the same moral conundrum as in Attack on Titan and my position is the same here as it is there. I’m all for peace but once the other side has decided to wipe you out, then you have to fight back as much as possible. It is the only way to survive.

So Paul’s decision here continues to be the right one but he makes so many mistakes throughout the film that it’ll have you annoyed. For one thing, he continues to listen to traditions and do what is expected of him when he shouldn’t. Whenever movies have a message of just conforming to tradition because it is the right thing to do, I end up being annoyed. Perhaps sometimes that is the right thing to do, but often times I would say it is not. You have to believe in yourself and what your intuition is telling you. In most cases, that may very well end up saving your life.

Drinking the nasty liquid to boost his powers? Yeah real bad move there. Letting his mother make the big sacrifice in order to get powers and stay alive? Also terrible. Declaring a marriage just to appease customs? Absolutely crazy! Again, one of the perks of being the chosen one is that you can set new standards. No need to follow the old stuff, just get on in there and set the new rules. With Paul’s super voice he could bring most of the opponents to their knees but unfortunately he only uses it once in a blue moon and seems to forget that he even has the ability.

Charitably I suppose you could say it’s just that it is an ability which can only be used once per day or something but yeah he’s gotta step his game up. Then we have his mother who I didn’t care for either. Again, she just needed to use her own strength but instead she becomes the leader of this super shady group and just continues on with the teachings. See a pattern here? People just do what is expected and that’s it. The only real exception here is Chani and it’s why she’s one of the better characters.

She holds Paul to task and reminds him that she will stand by his side so long as he doesn’t change. He basically doesn’t take her seriously and calls her bluff. Well, she stands by her word and has the best ending in the film. At the end of the day she refused to change just because he did and it makes for a pretty good character moment. I understand that role was divisive for fans of the book and it was pretty much the main thing I would see get talked about for Dune online but I’ll take this portrayal over the books. (Although the books do make Paul look considerably better than he did in the movie) Chani was a very loyal character but someone who still put her own convictions first.

Meanwhile the other kingdoms are comically evil so you’re never really worried about the main character going too far. We’re talking slavery, experimentation, blatant corruption, mass slaughter for no reason, etc. All of the other countries are absolutely deplorable and the villains are just crazy. Unfortunately they’re all in the insane evil camp with nothing remotely likable about them. The one who had the most potential but seduced with ridiculous ease during his own party and suspected nothing. It was such an embarrassing showing for this guy after all the tough talk.

I would say that Dune is mostly focusing on the angle that no individual has enough power to make a huge difference without following the rules. If you rely on your own strength then you will be brought down but if you allow the community to help then you can be on to something. The film is long enough where it has tons and tons of other themes as well but this seemed to be the main one to me. The main character had to make tons of concessions all the time both in terms of his own personal convictions and even in terms of military decisions. Ultimately he probably should have just forced his way to being king and used them like an army. The movie makes this diplomacy so bad that you’re rather he did just become the overlord of the world or something.

Not like there’s much hope left in this place though. With how corrupt the entire universe is, they’d all need to be bumped off for any real peace. The Spice will continue to be a hot commodity until the world has been unified or destroyed. Unless perhaps a new planet is discovered with the same element or something. There is a lot of world building here so I have to give the film that, but you’ll probably still be asleep anyway. Every shot drags on for way too long and the desert is such a boring background. You don’t want to see the sand just fading away for the 10,000th time.

The film gets violent at times just to remind the viewers that it can do this. Then we get endless monologues again. Then we’ll get some kind of twisted scene to show us how evil the king is, then more talking, etc. I love a good monologue but you can’t just talk without a plan. I should probably write an editorial on this, but substance and delivery are equally important here and I would say the film had a tendency to fail on both accounts. It ensured that this film was doomed out of the gate. I basically had issues with every part of it but the biggest sin it had was just being super boring. The characters really lacked agency and it ultimately came back to bite them each time.

Overall, Dune: Part Two overstays its welcome by a very wide margin. It makes sure to eliminate any part that you may have found interesting in the first film and just leaves you exhausted here. I still say it’s better than the original Dune movie which was absolutely dreadful but in the end it just goes to show that the base story is not very good. No matter how many times you readapt the book or try to split it up, it’s not going to succeed. Some stories just don’t have the sheer level of ability needed to become a masterpiece. The best advice I can give would be to not set your sci-fi story on a desert planet. That is setting yourself up for failure. Check out the original Legend of Zelda cartoon for a fantasy with more interesting characters running around.

Overall 2/10

They All Laughed Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for one of those films that is just hard to watch with how bad everyone is. The writing is not particularly good and all of the characters are downright awful. Mix that in with the fact that the film is fairly long and you have a recipe for disaster. It’s the kind of film that makes you shake your head the whole time because it had no idea what it was doing. This was an absolute mistake of massive proportions. Very unfortunate stuff.

Okay so the film is about a detective agency where they spy on women to find out if they are having affairs or not. There are 3 main field agents here and they each have different talents. They have two ongoing missions right now so they have to keep running around the city to keep track of both women. The problem is that these guys have the willpower of a baked potato and they are no strangers to having loads of affairs as well. With everyone in the city hopping from one person to the next, this is about to get complicated.

The movie plays out like a crazy delusion that someone who is jaded with big city life might have. Someone who figures that in the city, people are hopping from relationship to relationship the way one might might go pizza hopping from place to place. Nobody is trust worthy and they’re all messing round behind each other’s backs yet they also gossip with everyone. So as a result it’s all real convoluted but the simple part is seeing just how bad everyone is. Even the end of the movie has some twisted morals going on.

So right from the gate I can tell you this is an awful film. It will have the occasional funny moment but almost all of its attempts at humor just end up falling flat. Makes me shake my head just thinking about it. For example, Charles is the main character here and you’re supposed to in part feel bad for him when everything’s going badly. He’s constantly in tricky situations but since he’s such a bad guy you’re just rooting against him instead. Instead of the scenes being funny, you’re hoping that he does get hit by the car, that he does get caught so the girl will run off, etc.

Lets take a step back here, cheating is and always has been one of the greatest taboos. For the average person it should typically rank in the top 5, only losing to the most disturbing and evil of crimes. In any situation where there is cheating going on, the person most at fault is the one who is married since that person is the one who made the vow. Closely behind is the other party for still weakening the married person in order to have the affair. The only exception is naturally if that person was deceived into thinking they’re having fun with someone who is single.

So in the main relationship, Charles is less at fault than Dolores but it’s by a very negligible amount. You can tell that there is no loyalty here from either side. Once they are together, Dolores will cheat on him with the next guy and he’ll cheat with her on someone else. That’s just how the cycle is. Especially since Charles is easy to boss around like the singer who had her way with him. This guy can never appreciate the moment and is always looking beyond. It’s easy to see why things have never gone well for him.

Then you have Arthur who has the most confidence but as a result he’s been with the most ladies. He just flies on through all of them and never stops. Definitely not someone that you would want to even be friends with since he would be such a bad example. Fortunately for him, nobody in the city really cares and they all run to be the next in line to be chumped. Sure they get upset afterwards but it’s too late.

Then you have John who falls for Angela during his assignment. It’s basically just like with Charles. He’s only making matters worse and putting his feelings ahead of the mission. Things don’t go very well as you’d expect and the only outcome is that they are both super tainted now. It’s all just a real messy affair and again it makes the big problem here the fact that nobody is likable. Everyone has their moments and all they succeed in doing is dragging the other characters down with them.

In general it’s probably going to be hard to really make any good films about a group that tests out if a husband/wife is cheating. In most cases it’s probably going to happen where the main character falls for one of them. That’s just the easiest way to make a long dramatic story about the subject. After all you’re likely going to need some kind of conflict and peacefully finding out that cheating is or is not going on is a harder story to tell. I’d like to see a writer try and do this justice but it feels like a longshot.

It would have been nice to have at least had one character stay strong but that never happens. Even the cab driver gets involved as well as the secretary. Yeah these are all the kinds of characters where if you saw them on the street you’d want to go the opposite way. No matter how much you may want to think that you are the exception and this time the relationship is real, it’s not. So don’t even fall for that! It’s a massive trap, the trap of all traps you could say. Even within the movie the characters are starting to think this is legit by the end but we all know the truth. It is absolutely game over instead. Hey that’s just how it goes sometimes.

Overall, Like I said this is a tough film to watch because you’re basically just watching a bunch of antagonists messing with each other the whole time. The writing itself is also super suspect at best. The characters have a awkward way of talking where they have to constantly use full names or last names instead of the first one. One character in particular does this as her quirk and then other characters like John talk exclusively in 2 word mini sentences. You wonder why the characters are all so annoying before you stop caring. At the end of the day this is the kind of drama film that goes for a lot of cheap low hanging fruit to try and keep you interested but fails in the attempt. You could find better drama films in the 1 dollar aisle at Blockbuster.

Overall 2/10

Willow Review

Posted on by
Reply


What if I told you that there was a film out there that was trying to be the next Lord of the Rings? And what if I told you that the film…succeeded? That was definitely the biggest fear imaginable and unfortunately this one pulled off what I didn’t think was possible. This film is 2 hours of nothing as the film desperately tries to bore you out of your mind. The romance, the adventure, the characters, it brought tears to me eyes. It was just so….bad! You’ll be guaranteed to fall asleep while watching this movie and it’s like you just warped ahead 2 hours in time. It’s absolutely crazy.

So the film starts off with one of those opening messages about how there is a prophecy that has scared the ruling class and so all of the babies have to be inspected to make sure they don’t have a special mark. Naturally the villains fumble the bag here so the baby is taken away and found by a group of Dwarves. Most of them are too scared to really do anything and would be quick to abandon her. Even Willow himself is skeptical but he is convinced by his wife to help out. The mage of the land even assigns Willow on a special mission to go and help her out but he has to bring along the classroom bully who would love to get out of there at his first chance. Can they really keep the baby alive?

The film was already at a disadvantage with the whole fantasy setting if we’re being honest here. I already don’t like this kind of old school setting and this is as old as it gets. We’re talking lots of trees and forests and everyone is super poor with no civilization in sight. The magic we’re shown here tends to be rather ordinary stuff and nothing too fancy.

There is nothing fantastic or really interesting about the world. It’s the kind of world that may have a ton of supernatural elements so you never mistake it for the real world and yet it doesn’t do anything exciting with it. For every decent monster design like a two headed worm/dinosaur type thing, you have a bunch of mini humans and talking animals. This is not a film where you will be remembering much and even the strongest beasts tend to go down against normal arrows. When you’re losing to arrows…that is a terrible look. I can’t mince words here, that is a horrible look. You can’t afford to lose to that.

Willow isn’t really much of a great character. For starters he’s not very brave and his magic is no good. Yes, character arcs and such but he needed a stronger beginning for that. The baby is naturally around a whole lot but she’s a baby so it’s not like she can really do anything you know. Then we have the swordsman Madmartigan, who has a cool name but that’s about the only good thing about the guy. He’s absolutely ready to hightail it and run for a while there before eventually coming to the light. He’s the character who is meant to give us the snappy dialogue and bring the comedy up a notch but he doesn’t really have anyone to banter with so that doesn’t work out very well at all.

You definitely see how the film was trying to capitalize on the Hobbit by having the main characters all be like that but it’s just being a copycat without adding anything to the idea. Also, it’s copying a character that I never even liked which doesn’t help matters there. Okay, there still has to be some redeeming quality to the film right? Soundtrack’s out since that was fairly dull but I can at least give a slight thumbs up to the special effects. I liked the skull mask for one of the villains and the two headed monster didn’t look bad. All in all, the effects did their job so I can’t really find any faults with them there.

You’ve got some romance here but even aside from the love potion beginning, it’s just not very strong. Now we do have an extensive climax where the crew are fighting for at least 30 minutes or so. It’s actually a considerable length all the way and we get a lot of action so that’s good…right? I mean it beats the rest of the film but it’s been a while since I’ve seen such a boring action scene either. It goes back to the fantasy element here as even the sword fighting feels very old school. I think it’s because they’re trying to film this like a real sword fight so it comes across like two guys dueling at a tournament. It doesn’t feel very powerful or fast on either end.

That’s a problem and of course the second is that we still don’t really care about any of the characters by this point. Why should we right? They haven’t done anything to show us that we should care about them and that’s a big issue. The villains are also fairly generic as well which is one angle where the film could have tried to take things to the next level but ultimately fell short.

So there really isn’t much to say about the film. The characters aren’t funny and the plot isn’t engaging. You’ll have to really focus to try and stay awake during this title and the long length won’t help matters there. I need a name for this sub genre of fantasy that is going for hyper realism even while having supernatural elements. Because I do like a good fantasy but it has to be bright and vibrant. I want everything to be really smooth, shiny, and just feel like an awesome otherworld. If it’s beat up or too realistic then it just doesn’t have the same impact to it and ultimately ends up falling short.

Overall, Willow is definitely not the film that will change the fantasy genre as we know it. I still think the craziest part of the film is how we have a long action scene for the climax and yet it never manages to be particularly exciting. It’s a lot like Lord of the Rings in that sense so the parallels continue. Ultimately your best bet is to stay far away from this film. It’s one of those fantasy titles that just brings the worst parts of the genre and doesn’t really tackle its strengths. Better luck next time I suppose. I have to assume that the sequel TV show will be at least a little better…I would hope at least.

Overall 2/10

Safe in Hell Review

Posted on by
Reply


When you’ve got a title like this you already know that the main character’s probably stuck in a rather tricky situation. It’s definitely a film where the heroine has to go through a whole lot. There definitely is a lot of tension but I can’t say that it’s the kind that really helps to elevate a film. Ultimately there are very few likable characters here at all and it’s always hard for a film to really survive that.

So the movie starts off with introducing us to Gilda who has had a rough time of things. She has not been able to hold down a steady job for a long time due to one guy who basically blackmailed her into an affair and then his wife found out. So Gilda was blackballed from every industry and ended up becoming a lady of the night. Well, one day that guy returns and Gilda accidentally murders him in self defense. Her boyfriend Carl shows up just in time to save her from the police. While he’s not thrilled about what Gilda has been doing, he takes her to an island to hide from the cops for a while. He’ll go figure something out but she’ll have to stay on the island for at least a month. That wouldn’t be so bad except…this is an island inhabited by a bunch of criminals and degenerated and they’ve all got their sights on her. Can Gilda remain faithful amidst all this temptation and can she even remain safe?

So now you can see how none of the characters are particularly likable. They’re all just throwing themselves at her the whole time despite knowing that she is already with a guy. None of them have much in the way of class at all. Of course some are worse than others. The worst of which is a guy who shows up at the island later on after a plot twist. Definitely the kind of villain you don’t want the heroine to go easy on. Just bump him off and everyone will be happier off for it. He’s the kind of villain who actively brings down the quality of the movie.

Another thing that brings it down is the ending though. It’ really a rough way to go out and I definitely prefer for a movie to have an ending with a bit more hope. You basically have to stomach the fact that the villains won in the end. Perhaps not in all the ways they wanted but they still got a win which is absolutely undeserved. I get the feeling that the film didn’t want Gilda to have a happy ending after the mistakes she made but they were all under rather drastic circumstances. She’s certainly not without fault but is nowhere in the same league as the other characters. The whole film just doesn’t feel all that fair to her at all.

I’d argue Carl should absorb some of the blame here. He ditches her for months at a time on his job which always leaves her to fend for herself. Yeah Carl’s a sailor so he’s gone a lot but it seems like there is absolutely no way to reach him. So when Gilda was out of a job with no hope in the beginning, there was no way to reach Carl. Then when she was stuck on the island, there was no way to contact him easily again. She is constantly left on her own in the absolute worst circumstances. Now she does send a letter later on so there is at least a way to eventually reach him. Maybe she should have trusted him a bit more and reached out sooner but I get why she figured she had to stick it out. Ultimately she does still get more of the blame because she didn’t trust Carl when it counted. Sometimes trying to stick something out by yourself doesn’t work, particularly in a realistic setting like this.

So if she has to have a bad end, then that should apply to the rest of the characters. At least Bruno who ends up being just as demented as the other characters. In fact he was the second worst beyond the first guy. Nothing happening to him is really a shame. It’s like the film could have used an extra segment at the end. It is really short as it stands, the film is barely over an hour. So maybe extend this to 90 minutes and have an epilogue where various characters are taken out. Have a big revenge scene where Carl shows up and blows everyone away.

You could also have just included the moral of trusting him at the end. Instead of doing the false confession to get executed, have her make her speech which is when Carl shows up. Maybe have one of the other hotel guests reveal that he saw the whole thing with her being handed the gun. There are so many ways you could have written around the ending to have her actually make it out of there in one piece and given Bruno the chair instead.

Overall, Safe in Hell is definitely a pretty awful film. It’s one of those never ending stories of misery the whole time with a bad ending to boot. None of the characters do anything to actually help Gilda out which is where the film really fumbles the landing. With this kind of premise you’d assume that by the end most of the guys would actually be decent and would end up defending her. Maybe bumping off the corrupt cops or just lying about the whole thing when the real authorities get there. Just about any of those endings would have been more appreciated. Instead Gilda is consistently punished for her use of self defense in what I would call the most valid situations to use it. Definitely stay as far away from this film as possible!

Overall 2/10

Courage of Lassie Review

Posted on by
Reply


The Lassie films have a long standing reputation of all being rather bad so the question was if this one could finally change things. Well, I am here to report that it could not change thing at all. This is one title that does not surpass its limits or do anything even like that. Instead, it just repeats all of the same mistakes that you are used to seeing from the franchise. It’s unfortunate but not really unexpected. No, if anything you are used to it and we’ll just have to keep on waiting for a good one.

The main dog in this film is named Bill and he’s a nice dog. Bill is a strong dog who can run around a lot but his owners don’t think that he has what it takes to shepherd the sheep when the going gets tough. Kathie wants to prove the world wrong and runs around with Bill to try and prove her point. It was a good attempt at least. Unfortunately Bill is often the subject of bad luck. Over the course of the movie he is run over, shot with a gun, and even gets drafted into the army. While in the army, Bill is sent to an active warzone with bombs flying all over and he gets injured enough to the point where he develops PTSD.

His owner also goes too far in trying to win the day and has Bill continue to move even while he is super injured. This doesn’t help things out either. Bill then becomes so wild that he eats/injures other animals and a warrant is put out for his death. Yeah this dog can’t catch a break. You get the feeling that the film really wanted to up the stakes as much as possible and show how this wasn’t your average Lassie film but my answer to that is it just makes this one that much more. It’s a Lassie film so you are expecting the dog to get shot but why go through all of this other hardship as well?

It makes the whole film rather try hard and edgy. You really didn’t need to see any of that. The drama doesn’t make the film any more engaging or anything. It just holds it back. With this level of animal violence the film never stood a chance. Meanwhile it’s also no that interesting. None of the characters really glue you o the screen. The main character is Kathie and while she means well, she’s too young to do much of anything. Like when Bill is taken away to the army, there is noting she can do. She doesn’t even know what happened to Bill after he vanished for a while there. Then when Kathie does reappear with Bill, one of the first things she does is accidentally disclose his position to the cops which almost proves fatal for Bill.

Naturally it’s not like that’s really her fault as she couldn’t have known but it’s hardly a great look for her either. Then for Bill’s owner at the army, I didn’t like him for the reasons I mentioned earlier. Having Bill continue to fight when he was so injured was not a good look. Bill needed to lie down and recharge, not get right back on the saddle like this. The only decent character was the old man who tried keeping Kathie calm and then tried keeping Bill as a secret in the end. He was old enough to know how the world works and wasn’t just spilling his guts about everything. The guy knew how to keep a secret.

Still, it’s a rather low bar for characters. This is definitely not the kind of film where you expect great characters or anything like that but even more decent ones would have helped. I suppose at best the writing is decent. The characters still talk in the old fashioned way that is always fun. I also thought that the pacing was fairly reasonable. They manage to squeeze in a lot of different locations and characters into a film that’s not overly long or anything. So the movie really knew how to balance its time effectively. It just didn’t have a great story to accompany it.

Now when a film has lost the plot as badly as this one has, I like to add some some advice for how the film could have succeeded. Okay so hear me out, you cut out all injuries that happened to Bill in this film right. Have him go missing one day and so the main characters have to try and find him. Ultimately they end up finding him helping out the US army in bomb detection or something. They take Bill back home as a hero and that’s the movie. It’s still wholesome and has the army subplot and everything. It just ends up being a much more light hearted movie with great moments rather than trying so hard to be a suspenseful tragedy. We don’t need any of those. Extra bonus if you make the main character Lassie instead of Bill since that would work a lot better.

Overall, There’s not a whole lot to say about this film beyond that. It follows through the Lassie formula to the point where this might as well be an edgy reboot. Even the whole joining the army thing has already been done before. I don’t get why the series doesn’t just make a movie that’s all slice of life. Lets just see Lassie running around town and having fun. Yes, Lassie, not some future descendent named Bill. Doesn’t that completely take away from the point of the series? I’m watching the movie to see Lassie, not another dog. I dare say that the title is really clickbait. Yeah you can use it to tie into things later but it’s click bait because the first assumption with that title is that Lassie will be appearing. Definitely skip this film as quickly as you can.

Overall 2/10