Category Archives: 5 Star Movies

One Touch of Venus Review

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It’s time for a romance musical film. The latter doesn’t really become an element for a while but you can be sure that the romance is here from the jump. It’s a pretty interesting scenario since it’s sort of like the classic wish fulfillment scenario but with the main character trying his best to get out of it. He looks rather awful in this movie to be honest but there are some decent laughs to be had here. Is it a good movie though?…wellllllllllll I’d probably have to say no on that.

The movie starts off with Savory being really excited to show the world the giant Venus statue that he got. He ordered it a long time ago and put a fortune into obtaining it. Unfortunately the curtain on the display isn’t working so he sends one of his employees over to fix it before the unveiling. This employee’s name is Hatch and he’s not very talented, smart, or reasonable. He also gets drunk extremely easily. So Hatch does some drinking on the job and decides to kiss the statue before fixing the curtain. What he doesn’t realize is that he has just awakened the goddess of love, Venus up from her slumber. Venus is now ready to enjoy life and has fallen in love with Hatch. The problem is that Hatch is super afraid of her and now the boss believes that he has stolen the statue.

Hatch is an annoying character from the jump. First off, he has a girlfriend in Gloria already but the guy keeps her distant because he doesn’t want to get married. If you just started dating then sure it’s probably good to get to know each other for a while before you’re married. Date for a few months or something and then you’re all good. The problem here is that it feels more like Hatch is just scared of commitment and instead of having an honest conversation with Gloria about it, his first instinct is to just run. Not a very responsible or mature thing to do right?

He does the same thing with Venus. He literally faints the first time and then after that he spends most of the film panicking and running around. If he was at least 100% dedicated to Gloria and was just trying to reject Venus then that would be one thing but he still weakens in several instances which just makes him look really bad. Yes, Venus does passively increase the desire of love within everyone she is around but you need to be able to resist those abilities with your willpower. I don’t accept any excuses in this kind of thing. You either stay strong or you don’t, I’m afraid there is no middle ground here.

Savory may be one of the antagonists here but he has a lot more flair than Hatch. When he meets Venus he does his best to impress her to the point of appearing desperate. He is quick to help others out and yeah he’s not exactly a superhero but he seems like a reasonable guy. I know with the Molly subplot he could be a bit oblivious but she wasn’t super direct either so I’d put that on both of them 50/50. You even feel bad for him a bit when Venus is obviously using him by the end. She didn’t need to do all that but of course at the end of the day it’s on him for falling for that.

Molly gets a fairly happy ending though. I was glad that at the end she wasn’t going to throw Hatch under the bus during the big misunderstanding. At the end of the day she is a good person with her own standards. She may have been a bit too cold and cryptic to the point of sabotaging herself for a while there but she was fun to root for. She always had a few cold one liners at the ready to toss around.

Venus is possibly a big antagonist depending on how much control you think she has over her love abilities. If she is pro actively trying to get Gloria and Joe together so she has Hatch then of course that is antagonist behavior. If it’s more passive then that’s not as bad. The film hints to the former though, particularly since she can use her other abilities at will. She is quite powerful in this film as she can really do anything that her heart desires. Quite a fun ability, I think anyone would really agree to that.

She is willing to charm her way to victory and use people though which is always a trait that I dislike in any character. Her overall confidence is fun enough but the manipulation isn’t cool. So yeah I wasn’t rooting for her here since the whole romance wasn’t build upon great circumstances from the start and she could have used her powers for a lot of better purposes. I wasn’t a big fan of Gloria either though since she rebounded with Joe so quickly. Yeah they’re both possibly being influenced and all but you have to fight it.

Gloria has a boyfriend and Joe’s the guy’s friend. These are both massive taboos so you can’t just ignore that when you feel like it. No sirrrrrr, that was not a good move. That whole subplot is pretty sad whenever it shows up on screen so the romance as a whole is lacking like I mentioned. The film is at its best when it’s embracing the craziness of the whole situation. Every time Hatch would break past the cops I was having a of fun there. It’s silly and over the top but it’s charming with no strings attached.

It made for some decent chase scenes. I also generally enjoyed Venus and Hatch running around and having to hide from everyone. Yeah it’s a bit cheesy but again this is what the film should have been like the whole time. It takes itself so seriously despite the outlandish plot and this being a musical. Also, the songs aren’t all that good. None of them stand out at all and that’s my main problem with a lot of old school music like this. They tend to sound the same and aren’t fast paced or action enough to really take the movie to the next level. There aren’t a ton of songs compared to other musicals though so even if you don’t like musicals then you should be okay as long as you enjoy the story.

Overall, One Touch of Venus is an interesting film. It can be a little funny to see Hatch just panicking and fumbling the bag in every instance. He always finds a way to get himself into bigger and bigger trouble by making himself sound crazy. At the same time, it does mean that he can also be a really annoying main character. It’s hard to root for someone who is his own worst enemy. The film doesn’t drag on though and for the most part it is fun. So I’m leaving it at the midway point here. It’s good enough where you won’t be bored or anything while watching it but at the same time it’s not like you can really root for any of the romances and the characters are all mainly annoying.

Overall 5/10

Umma Review

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It’s time for a horror film that I would actually say beats the average one. It’s still not particularly good but its main downside is that it’s boring as opposed to being bad. Not a whole lot happens here and so in that way it avoids some of the usual horror pitfalls but what’s the point of ducking those if you’re not going to do much to increase your score with that extra time?

The film starts with Amanda recalling being electrocuted which gives her nightmares. In the present, she lives in a very remote area where she only really see her daughter Chrissy and the guy who transports her honey, Danny. Amanda has cut off ties with the outside world and also can no longer be near electricity. Due to the traumas of her past, it completely spooks her and makes her sick. Unfortunately this has had a rough effect on her daughter who just wants to be able to lead a normal life and make friends. It gets worse when the ghost of Amanda’s abusive mother shows up to haunt them. Can Amanda fight her off?

Now I will say that Amanda gets off a little easy here because most ghosts like the Grudge show up to start murdering everyone with reckless abandon. That doesn’t happen here, there are actually 0 murders throughout the whole movie which might be a first. It’s extremely rare and so there isn’t even a lot of violence in this movie. The electrocuting scenes are definitely on the disturbing side but are mainly off screen and you just hear what happens. There’s also a bird that gets stomped which at least was all a vision and didn’t really happening. Still unnecessary though.

There are a ton of jump scares here but without anything to actually be scary…it’s not all that intense. So this is really a drama film first and foremost with Amanda not being able to let go of the past. I don’t blame her for being traumatized after all of that though. Her best move would really be to let Chrissy go to the school that she wants and just abandon the bee keeping business since she was never all that into it anyway. That would be the best of both worlds for all parties involved.

Amanda says some hurtful things at one point but she was being possessed so you can let it slide a little bit. My main problem with her is by the ending. Ultimately the film is going for a classic message of letting bygones be bygones which is good of course but I don’t think you need to go as far as to have a ceremony and bow to the grave to help the spirit pass on. Ultimately Amanda’s mother was a bad person straight up and doesn’t need to get any respect by the end. There’s no indication that she ever changed her ways and after death it is far too late.

Meanwhile Chrissy was a solid enough character. The whole situation was pretty tough on her with having to do her best without any friends for so long. It’s lucky for her that River ended up coming along so at least she would have someone to talk to. Chrissy was determined to get out there and change things so she had the right attitude here. I think she’ll go far and the bullying won’t stop her this time. Yeah the film brings up that she was bullied a lot in the past which was rather random and I feel like it didn’t really add anything to the film but I suppose it does show how she’s changed now and will be able to fight a lot harder than before.

Then there is River who at first seemed like she was going to be a rather petty character but she ended up being supportive. She helped talk Chrissy through the situation and staying firm in her resolve to go to College. Meanwhile Danny helped the main characters make a lot of money and seemed like a very reasonable guy. It seemed like he was a good friend for all of those years and while Chrissy was mad at him for holding back on the secrets, he really made the right/respectful calls in all instances.

So the family drama stuff wasn’t bad but it was a bit on the uneventful side. I think you would need more characters to really pull it off and probably ditch the horror aspect. This way you just focus on that and we could have Chrissy going through more of an internal debate on if she should stay with the mother or strike out on her own. I would remove Amanda’s tragic backstory as well so it’s not that she’s in this situation because she’s afraid but that she did it to stop the bullying and keep Chrissy safe. The downside could be that she lost all of her friends as a result which will be what makes Chrissy feel guilty about leaving.

At least to me that would be the best way to do it. In general the writing’s not bad and the film is short so it goes by quickly. The horror stuff for the most part just doesn’t land so I don’t expect you will find this film even remotely scary. The transitions might even just make you laugh. One of the jump scares is that we suddenly cut to a bunch of bees eating some honey and then we go back to Amanda. It was one of the most abrupt transitions that I’ve seen in a while and it was just so random.

Overall, The biggest takeaway here is probably that taking care of bees is a really tough gig. Me personally? I don’t think I would have a great time with it. I’m not a big fan of bees as it is and having them buzzing around 24/7 would be really rough. It sounds like the money was good but that still wouldn’t be worth it. If you’re up for a drama film then this is a reasonable one to check out. It’s not the most eventful title on the block but it’s fairly inoffensive. I don’t think you’ll have any real problems with it so if you end up getting attached to the characters that could even raise it up a star or 2.

Overall 5/10

Blithe Spirit Review

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It’s time for a fairly wacky comedy film from back in the day. This one definitely goes crazy with the ghosts and all but the main character can be fairly annoying. The ending is funny but I would say the film isn’t always able to keep up the momentum. I think it needed to either lean into the slapstick/surreal aspect of the film or have the main character take things a bit more seriously.

So the film starts off with Charles inviting a psychic over to hold one of those trance sessions. He doesn’t actually believe in this kind of stuff but he figures it’ll be good material for a book that he’s working on. After a long and boring sequence of chanting without much actually happening, Arcati leaves and things are back to normal. Charles’ wife Ruth had a good time at least but her day turns upside down when Charles’ ex wife Elvira shows up from the dead. It looks like the seance actually worked and Elvira does not want to leave now. She wants Charles to be all hers and the annoying pat is that he loves the attention. So Ruth has to try and destroy Elvira once and for all.

Destroying a ghost is a very difficult task. Depending on the universe where this is happening, it can be borderline impossible. Still, Ruth is very focused on this objective and even seeks out Arcati, but unfortunately the old lady doesn’t know what to do about this. It’s pretty tragic because she does have real abilities but she really doesn’t have any practical knowledge of the occult. Arcati is also one of the weakest parts of the film in general.

We get quite a few scenes of her trying different tricks and spells to remove Elvira but the problem is that each one takes way too long. Rather than be a fun gag, the film overplays its hand by a considerable amount. The scenes drag on and on and on for such a long period of time. I wouldn’t say that they were all that funny initially but by the end they are more on the unbearable side. That’s a bit dramatic but these scenes do keep the film from being higher.

Additionally I thought Charles was a very poor character. Look, for starters you shouldn’t go on the rebound. After his wife Elvira died, he should have just kept to himself and enjoyed life. This film is a great example of why that is. When she shows up again, he seems to still be in love with her to the point where he doesn’t mind making his current wife feel bad. He continues having in jokes with Elvira and generally being a pest whenever she wants to ask something. Ruth thinks he is crazy for a while because Charles explains things in the worst way possible.

He seems to constantly forget that Ruth can’t hear Elvira and just starts talking. After the second or third time you would think that the result would be patently obvious right? Well, I suppose it was obvious to everyone except Charles. Then even without all of that, he needs to remember that Ruth is his wife now. Sure, he can be polite and cordial to Elvira but not at the expense of Ruth. That’s where the film really trips up because you have absolutely no sympathy for the guy. It’s why the ending works very well at least.

As for Elvira, she’s not the nicest character anyway. She’s constantly insulting Charles. He must have been extremely attracted to her looks because otherwise she treats him like trash over and over again. The poor guy can never even stand up for himself, he’s just constantly being demolished. Also we find out that she cheated on him back in the day and apparently he did the same thing. So both characters are morally bankrupt. That’s just great…..

The only reasonable character here is Ruth. I appreciate that she is fighting hard for her man and trying to destroy Elvira. I feel like she is put through the most the whole time and really has to struggle to stay ahead. by the end she is fed up but that makes sense. If anything Charles really just didn’t deserve her the whole time particularly now that we know about his past. A good relationship needs trust and in this case that just wasn’t there. I do appreciate this film really emphasizing the important or avoiding the rebounds or things can get complicated.

At its best the film gives you some good laughs but it just doesn’t have as many comedic scenes as you would expect. The writing is good but the film is actually playing things rather straight instead of embracing how crazy it is. I don’t really understand the direction they were trying to take the film in. It’s a little too low key when this is a goldmine for different scenarios. Particularly since one scene showed that Elvira can actually make contact with the physical world. That sets up a ton of pranks and different things she can do which would have taken the battle to another level. The film would have to make sure it doesn’t get too mean spirited of course but it is absolutely possible all the way.

Overall, The Blithe Spirit is a film that had a good concept but the execution really missed the mark. I would say the biggest strike against it was certainly the long scenes with the witchcraft trying to defeat the spirits. Every time it would fail and the scenes were just too dragged out. The comedic shenanigans with the ghosts were the best part but the movie needed to commit more. Have them actually fight each other or something. If Charles had been a more likable main character then that would have helped out a whole lot. Instead there is nobody to root for here except for Ruth and there’s not a whole lot that she can do here. For now I would say to skip this one and wait for a better ghost film.

Overall 5/10

The Secret of Convict Lake Review

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This film was okay but I feel like nobody looked all that great here. It could have gone badly for the heroes in a bunch of different ways and by the time they got ready for action it was too late. It’s an interesting scenario to an extent but for the most part I don’t think it makes for a good film. As I’ve said in the past, it can be annoying to have a bunch of villains be the leads or even around the leads so you’re just ready for them to go away.

The film starts off with a bunch of convicts escaping from jail and running across the snowy path. They come to a small village where there are only some women who run it. The men are gone prospecting and won’t be back for some time. The prisoners aren’t in great condition since they are hungry and thirsty plus they are unarmed. The women have all the guns but the convicts make the case for why they should stay…and even have a few threats to go along with it. So they are granted the right to spend the night….is this a wise move?

The obvious answer is No! Lets be real here for a minute, there’s a difference between being nice to your fellow man and putting yourself in an incredibly risky position. There are a million ways that this can go really wrong after all. If you ask me….the only thing to do here is to tell them to keep moving. If they hurl any threats then unfortunately you do have to fire. You don’t have to murder them, just shoot out the legs so they can’t try anything and you can keep them alive until all of the men are back in town.

The fact that the convicts were making threats from the start definitely rubs me the wrong way there. Yeah if it’s too risky don’t finish them off right then but instead wait until they go into the house and then take them out. You have to realize that threats like that have to be taken super seriously because they will likely make good on it. On the women’s side, one of them is elderly and can barely walk and the rest don’t have any experience with a gun. The longer this situation goes, the more in danger they will be.

Particularly since most of them do not really have any survival instincts. At least two women quickly get interested in these guys romantically which is crazy since they have only known them for a few minutes or so. Not very smart. One of them is instantly convinced to keep the affair a secret and to even tell him where all of the guns are. What a traitor. The instant you start telling these guys where the guns are, you have sold out your family to a stranger. There’s no two ways about it, it’s the only real answer there and it’s disappointing.

The main convict is named Jim and he’s the only reasonable one here. Of course that does put him in a tricky spot since that means he’s surrounded by the enemy and is forced to be in close quarters the whole time. He has his own plot going on involving the crime he was accused of. If everyone was evil the main characters would really be in trouble so at least this way there was someone to look out for them. I’d still argue the women needs to know how to protect themselves since you still can’t trust anyone no matter how kind they appear to be. Like I wouldn’t trust Jim no matter what he says because you just can’t afford to. In every circumstance you always have to imagine the worst case scenario and plan accordingly.

The romance here is very weak as well. Jim falls for a lady named Marcia who is engaged but wouldn’t you know it, the guy she is engaged to is rather nefarious. So Jim reminds her that she doesn’t actually love the guy and Marcia agrees….that’s great. It feels like a super weak mindgame that got real lucky somehow. At no point should that trick actually have worked. How are you engaged when you’re not actually in love with the guy? A lot of things just aren’t adding up there. Call me super skeptical over here. Of course it all works out but that was sloppy.

Then of course between the traitor running around and the women constantly forgetting to guard the men, it all gets a bit annoying. The tension is that the men could how up and overpower/murder the women at any point and that’s not the kind of tension that makes you eager to see what’s going to happen. The movie just isn’t very fun and really needed better characters. You need to construct a scenario where the men are around and the women are protecting their house without it only being a tough situation because they are making a lot of mistakes. Like have them sneak into town under the cover of night and they could be anywhere. So the heroines have to protect their stables and different houses while making sure not to be separated for too long. That’s the real trick and I felt like the movie just didn’t go that route.

At least the climax is pretty solid though. We have a good chase scene and an actual fight scene at the end. It makes for a satisfying climax with all of the players involved and some good closure all the way through. It still means you have to get through a rather long first 70% of the film but at least ending on a high note is the best way to make sure you’re not going into the realm of being a bad movie. A bad ending would have absolutely tipped it that way.

Overall, The Secret of Convict Lake is an okay film but one where the characters are really annoying. The convicts shouldn’t have been able to deal nearly as much damage as they did. It revolves around one of the women being a traitor and the grandmother getting sloppy near the end. When one side has the numbers and health advantage as well as all of the guns, they should not leave. They lacked the survivor’s instinct here and so the film is more frustrating than entertaining. It’s not a bad film but I wouldn’t be going out of my way to recommend it or anything like that.

Overall 5/10

The Enchanted Cottage Review

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All right it’s time for a romance film that’s going for more of a wholesome feel. Unfortunately it does make some mistakes along the way like the romance being a rebound which always hurts its potential. It’s a fairly low key film and so it’s not bad or anything like that but it doesn’t succeed in nearly as much as it would have liked. It needed a bit of a rewrite in some areas to really take things to the next level.

The movie starts off with Oliver and his fiancé heading to a small college to prepare for their honey moon. This place is enchanted according to the legends and it should bring them happiness. The fiancé doesn’t love the place but she wants Oliver to be happy and accepts his decision to spend the duration of the trip there. The place is run by a nice old lady and a newcomer named Laura. Laura has had a tough time of thing in life because most people find her looks repulsive which makes everyone seem rather petty to be honest. They can’t just act nice at least? The film desperately wants you to think that Laura looks downright ugly but doesn’t do a particularly good job of it at all. The movie needed some special effects or something.

Well, the plans change when Oliver is called back into active duty. During one of the battles he is mildly scarred in the face and loses the use of one of his arms for a while. His fiancé and family try to console him but he’s too ashamed to see anyone and so he locks himself in the cottage. The only ones allowed to see him are Laura and the home owner. Eventually the fiancé gives up and the family leaves. Oliver then decides he still wants a wife so he goes after Laura and while she is thrilled to finally have a guy, part of her feels like she’s just the consolation prize. Does he actually like her?

So we have come to my biggest problem with the film. In my mind her fears are correct and he practically admits as such. He doesn’t want to be alone and with his scars, he figures that he can never attract all of the beautiful women that he once could. So Laura is basically the best that he can get and Laura really needed to have the strength of will to say no. That’s just really insulting to be honest and romance is something you should never settle for. You’re either first pick or you’re last. There’s no real in between there.

Yes the film does make the case that by the end he really likes her but it’s hard to see how this would have started in the first place. It’s a rather big piece to just shelve for a while isn’t it? Also you feel bad for the original fiancé because she was going to stay by his side. He’s the one who pushed her away and so she really got the short end of the stick here. They were engaged and everything so now she has to go back to square 1 to find herself another guy? That’s really gotta be rough.

The family don’t look great here. They mean well but definitely complain a lot and ultimately make things tougher on Oliver. It would have been nice if at least one of them could have been supportive though. Even if your kid ends up falling in love with someone that you don’t find to be attractive, there’s no reason why your kid should ever know that. Keep those thoughts to yourself and remember that beauty isn’t the only reason to get together with someone. That would be extremely shallow.

There is a supporting character here named John who is blind. That actually works well for Oliver since he doesn’t have to be embarrassed when they talk. They’re actually able to converse naturally and John is a very perceptive guy. He does his best to help during the film even if it doesn’t particularly go well. He’s a nice guy and was a good supporting character.

Finally we have the lead heroine Laura. As mentioned earlier, she has to go through a lot here. The film plays up how ugly everyone thinks she is to a rather crazy degree where men will even back up when they see her. They don’t want to get anywhere near her and so that makes for a super tragic part of the film. Particularly since she tries to avoid these scenarios as much as possible but is basically forced into it later on in the film. She seriously can’t catch a break and that really is sad. So you’re rooting for her but as the older lady mentioned, sometimes you just gotta stay alone. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s better to be alone than to settle. At least that’s how I see it although I’m sure some would debate that.

The best thing about Laura’s character is that she really takes everything in stride. Sure, she does get upset and sad at times which is completely understandable but she doesn’t take it out on anyone else. Laura does her best to get right back on the saddle and help out around the cottage. That’s the trait of a good main character. The writing is good and the film goes back fast so I had no real technical issues here.

Overall, The Enchanted Cottage is a pleasant film on the surface but I thought the romance was really weak which does end up hurting the rest of the experience. It should have made Oliver less of a jerk the whole time. I actually think they should have made it so that the fiancé and family were treating him poorly. So he got to experience what Laura had to go through all those years and that would have been a great way to link them together. At that point it’s not like he settled for her but that he grew to love her because of how she stayed strong despite all of the trauma. Maybe they could work that in for a reboot. In the meantime you could definitely do better than this film.

Overall 5/10

Here Comes Mr. Jordan Review

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It’s time for another film involving souls and it was pretty interesting but I definitely had a massive problem with the ending. The problem was so big that I dare say it ends up having a big effect on the movie itself. It’s just not the way you want to see these things go and it felt like the main character basically got the raw end of the deal. Nothing went the way that it should have for him.

The movie starts with Joe getting ready for the biggest match of his life. If he wins this then he will be crowned the #1 boxing champ. Joe has been training his entire life for this and is pretty confident in his chances. He hops into his plane and heads on over but some wind shows up and his plane starts to crash. That’s when he wakes up in the after life where he is being taken away….permanently. The whole thing seems rather off so he questions the angel, 7013 on this. Well…it looks like this guy is new at the job and he jumped the gun by taking Joe out early. His boss Jordan vows to make this right.

He will see to it that Joe has a satisfactory new body to replace the old one and that he can live out the rest of his life there. He’s supposed to have dozens of years left to live and so of course Jordan will make sure that he gets to live those years. Joe is not thrilled about any of this but will give this a fair shake as he waits for a good body. There has to be one around here somewhere. And so begins the journey of body hopping and trying to become the champ again.

A good chunk of the film takes place with a corrupt businessman named Farnsworth. See, he was murdered by his wife and her rebound guy so this is a decent body for Joe. It’s not exactly in the most well fit shape but it can do the job. The only problem is of course that people want him dead and the girl that Joe likes (Bette) can’t stand Farnsworth. Well, it’s time for justice and maybe he can get her to change her mind by becoming a better person.

This is really where the film should have stayed as this makes perfect sense for the film. He gets to have a shot at the title because he’s so rich that he can schedule fights and he can use his wealth to make the world a better place. How do you top that right? Well, that would be the general idea but the characters don’t play this smart and the film isn’t quite done yet. There are more bodies to hop and twists to come flying.

First I will say it’s odd that Joe didn’t do anything about the people who murdered Farnsworth. He knows good and well that his wife and secretary had already murdered him once so doesn’t it stand to reason that they would do this again? It makes no sense that he just leaves them to their own devices and doesn’t do a thing about it. This ultimately comes back to bite him and it’s all just rather senseless. Additionally there’s a long period there where Joe doesn’t even really think much about taking them to justice, it’s the last thing on his mind and so he’s close to just letting these murderers keep the money and just doing his own thing. That also doesn’t make sense, cmon now.

Joe’s just not a very smart guy and makes every kind of mistake imaginable. If there’s an error to be made then he will make it. It’s just that simple and that’s really bad all around. You’re rooting for him because he’s a nice guy, but he is definitely a frustrating character the whole time. It’s like he’s sabotaging himself the whole time. Meanwhile it goes without saying that everyone should be upset at 7013 since he messed everything up in the first place. Despite that, he has the gall to be complaining about the situation at different points and how time consuming it all is. He’s the guy who made the situation like this in the first place so there’s really no sympathy here.

Jordan is a bit disappointing in the end too and Joe should be mad at the guy. First off, he absolutely could have warned Joe that he was about to get bumped off the second time. He knew in advance so why not mention something? I’d argue even if it’s against the rules that wouldn’t matter in this case since the situation was all his fault as well. At that point there’s no real precedent for what’s going on. The worst part is also that Jordan ends up just being a big liar the whole time. He made a lot of promises to Joe the whole time about how he would be able to live out the rest of his life and get his shot to be the champion. While the latter maybe counts if you really squint, he definitely went back on the first aspect. It’s just a super rough spot to be in because Joe really lost everything without anything to show for it.

The film also doesn’t make Bette look good as a result. You have to understand that she falls in love with Joe when he’s in the Farnsworth body and then falls for him again in the next one? As far as she knows these are two completely different people so she moves on way too quickly. That’s not the way you find true love and it just makes her look more on the shallow side. I definitely expected better from her here and the romance in general is definitely on the weaker side. Even in the first place it’s hard to see her falling for Farnsworth when he was the one responsible for sending her father to prison. Yes, he made things right but it’s way too late by then right?

Joe’s boss Max was an entertaining character and I always enjoyed seeing him around but the guy could be a bit slow on the uptake at times. Things definitely didn’t go his way a whole lot and you could argue that he probably lose out the most in a lot of ways. Yes, the ending does throw him a bit of a bone but that’s all it does. The guy should have gotten off with a much better fate. He may have contributed to the issue by burning up the original body but it’s not like he ever could have known what was going to happen so I can’t blame him there.

Overall, The writing is good and I enjoyed the plot but the whole movie feels rather unfair to Joe. He was taken from Earth way too early and so he correctly fought for his case to go back. All well and good but the end of the film just slips the rug out from under him which is unfortunate. So I had a good time here and the comedy could be good but parts of the story feel really forced and additionally that ending is particularly brutal. That knocks it down a few pegs here and it’s an eternal reminder of why an ending is supremely important. Without it, you have nothing!

Overall 5/10

An Eye for an Eye Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a revenge story. Sort of like John Wick but this film does balance in some humor the whole time as well and it can be difficult to balance out those two tones. I will say to the film’s credit, it did a pretty good job with the two of them. I was pretty satisfied the whole time at least on a tonal level although the film as a whole I wouldn’t say was all that great.

The movie starts with Sean and his partner getting ready to finally complete this big undercover drug case that they have been on for a very long time. It’s been a really grueling mission the whole time but things are looking up. Unfortunately it turns out to be a set up and Sean’s partner is murdered while he barely manages to stay alive. So what’s going on here, who set them up? It’s hard to find out because Captain Stevens on the police force is blaming Sean for everything so Sean quits. He isn’t able to stay out of the situation for long though as his partner’s girlfriend is murdered after calling Sean about a lead she had. Now Sean will have to team up with her father James who happens to have been his old coach. Can they uncover the truth behind all of this?

If it was just a matter of beating everyone up then that would certainly be easier but the main problem here is actually figuring out who the big villain is first. There are a lot of players involved so you can bet that there are a ton of coverups and misdirects as well. Sean gets lucky more times than not. He’s a great fighter but I wouldn’t call him a detective so it’s fortunate that Linda and her colleague Heather managed to pick up most of the pieces. Linda even came close to escaping but unfortunately let her guard down at the end.

As the main hero I would say Sean is a solid main character. It can be annoying how he gets knocked out at times but since most of the movie is about him absolutely dominating whole squads of villains I can let it slide. The one point in particular that made me shake my head though was when he was face to face with the guy who murdered Linda and then allowed himself to be downed in a single blow. You just can’t let that kind of thing happen to you. Otherwise I did enjoy all of the fight scenes. The movie did a good job with the choreography and showing how Sean was just on a completely different level.

At the same time he loses some points for not treating the situation with the level of urgency that you would expect here. There are murders going on and everything is real shady right now yet he has time for a romance? The romance here feels really rushed, forced, and unnecessary as you’d expect. There’s just no room for that right now and it would have been better if that was something that could have been a plot to be started as the credits roll. “The danger is over and the world is saved, now we can discuss the future.” Something like that would be completely reasonable.

So the same is true for Heather and even more so in a way because she’s currently being targeted by the villains and unlike Sean, it’s not like she can fight. They already broke into her house once early on so she needs to keep her priorities straight. One guy who is not good about priorities has to be Captain Stevens. I did think he handled the whole situation poorly at the beginning with being so hard on Sean when the operation fumbled. I don’t know how he actually figured he could blame it on the lead. His reasoning was shaky at best.

To an extent I think it’s because the film was trying to convince us that maybe he was the murderer. A nice attempt I suppose but you have to handle that with a little more subtlety otherwise he’s just unreasonable. James was a unique character because at first you figure he’s going to be the tough mentor type character who is always ready for action but instead he spends every scene getting absolutely humiliated. The guy loses almost all of his fights but still talks tough afterwards. After a point it’s clear that he is a comedic character so that helps but at first I was definitely astonished.

In a way it’s realistic though as you probably can’t fight so well when you’re really old despite what most films would have you believe. So I was not expecting the character’s story to play out the way that it did but it worked out well enough. Again, maybe he should be taking things a little more seriously considering what happened to his daughter but after a point you have to just decide if you can roll with the fact that the movie is going for a light comedic tone to offset the dark moments or not. I think some of the scenes could have been timed better but ultimately I was mainly okay with it.

Ultimately the actual main villain here is okay but more on the forgettable side. He can’t fight or anything and has to rely on the hired help to save the day. That doesn’t go so well for him once Sean enters the building and it’s why you always want to be able to fight. He does have the classic hostage trip at the ready which is a decent equalizer but in the end that will usually just stall for time. His right hand man is fun enough as well. The guy is fairly unassuming but can fire a gun as well.

The movie’s twists work well enough. There’s enough to keep you guessing the whole time. The story itself was okay but I couldn’t really get into it a ton. You have drugs being moved and conspiracies and all but it felt more like the basic outline of a plot to start up the fights rather than it being fully developed. Like if the villains didn’t make so many large moves then they may not have been in so much trouble. Kidnapping Linda would have bought them way more time than murdering her. Since they had a mole within the police they could have made so many more moves over time rather than waiting until the end. There were limitless opportunities to bump off Sean quietly as well.

Ultimately it feels like one of those movies that isn’t as clever as it thinks that it is the more you actually think about it. I imagine you’re mainly here for the fights anyway though which are fun but I would have liked something more to support it. The film also didn’t sell me on the various flashbacks we would get every now and again to show Sean’s rage at losing his partner. It felt a bit overplayed by the end and just wasn’t as effective as it could have been. Throw in the fanservice romance scenes and this film doesn’t stand the test of time.

Overall, It’s not a bad movie but I wouldn’t say it’s very good either. It’s a forgettable thriller amidst a genre that is filled with many better ones. The revenge genre can be hit or miss depending on how edgy the writers want to approach it. This time they decided to take a more upbeat approach which is interesting but it does make Sean look a bit like a jerk at times. There are some liens that I found to be pretty funny during the movie though. It had a good sense of humor and the fights did live up to the hype. So in the end I would say to check it out if you really like a good battle but the story leaves much to be desired.

Overall 5/10

Dragon Fist Review

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It’s time for a very old film with Jackie Chan. It’s definitely not one of his best films but the fight scenes are definitely on point when they occur. You get a lot of action at the end of the film but outside of a fight near the beginning, the film does go a long while without action. There are quite a few twists throughout the movie which does take it in a different direction than you might have expected but in this case that’s not necessarily a good thing.

The movie starts off with two factions fighting. One of them wins and so the master claims the title of “Champion” and has the banner to prove it. The master of a different faction didn’t like this and so he challenges the first one to a battle for the crown. The first master loses and is promptly murdered. His top student Tang is tasked with avenging the master’s death and restoring honor to his family. So he travels with the master’s wife and daughter to the home base of the villainous Master Li. Tang has been doing some training but is he really ready to take on a master level opponent when he was folded so easily the first time? Additionally there is a lot of politics going on here with various factions so Tang must really plan his moves carefully or risk complete and utter defeat.

Okay so lets start off with the positives here. The fight scenes are really good. I always appreciate some good martial arts like what this film has. The choreography is really good and the fighters are attacking at high speeds all the time. You feel good power behind the blows and it’s nice when two fighters finally go at it in life or death stakes near the end. A lot of the action scenes tend to involve one side holding back due to circumstances but of course you’re eager to see the fighters cut loose. There’s a really fast fists barrage near the end of the film which should really stand out even among the other combos.

The film is also fairly unpredictable which is good to an extent. I probably would have preferred the more predictable plot of revenge in this case but more on that later. There are also a decent amount of memorable supporting characters so it helps make the film more memorable. For example the 2nd in command for the main villain and the main heroine of Master Li’s faction. So it’s not one of those films where only the main character and villain are important.

Now on the not as impressive side is the main character. This is in part I’d say a cultural difference as well. A lot of times in both Japanese and Chinese films, there’s a lot of stock put on family honor and doing whatever you gotta do in order to preserve it. The main problem is that this will often result in the characters making the wrong decisions just because to go against it would be dishonorable. Tang strikes me as that kind of character as he goes as far as to become a full villain after some strategic blackmail. Here’s the main problem, he should just be taking what he needs by force.

The situation involves a drug that he needs or at least the formula to replicate it and the only way he can get it is to beat people up by working for a gang. At that point if you’re going to have to be a villain anyway, choose the outcome that has the least amount of victims. In that case it would be taking down the villains himself. Tang just seems a little slow on the uptake here as he doesn’t quite seem to realize how evil his bosses are when they don’t really hide it.

There’s one scene where the villains murder a child and Tang gets framed for it. He quickly confirms that he didn’t murder the child but this doesn’t stop one of the villains from being upset at how he orchestrated all of this for Tang to murder some more heroes. Here’s the thing..he says that right in front of Tang yet the lead doesn’t visibly react at all. Surely that should have been the end of this alliance right?

Then Tang goes as far as to fight all of the good guys at once while still working for the villain and it’s not until the final 15 minutes or so that he realizes he’s not doing well. This results in yet an even higher body count once more. I would also argue that the ending isn’t even a happy one at all. You have to remember that the heroes were heavily outnumbered with numerous guys with swords bumping off anyone who tried to leave the complex. The movie ends immediately after the final fight but as far as we know there are 3-4 super weakened heroes left who are going to have to fight well over 2 dozen armed fighters. I don’t think they’re actually leaving that place alive. There’s a slight shot Tang can do something since he’s the most skilled but even then I just don’t see it.

All right time for some spoilers so skip the next 3 paragraphs if you haven’t seen the film. It’s time for me to go into detail on some of the twists and why they didn’t work for me. Well first off, we never got the big fight with Master Li. It turns out that his wife destroyed herself in guilt after his win because she had an affair with the other guy so then Li removed his leg as penance and wants to make amends with the main characters. It’s not like you can just go ahead and beat up on someone with one leg who can no longer fight although Tang comes dangerously close to attempting this anyway. It’s a very intense twist to be sure but it means we have lost the main villain//the strongest fighter in the series. The movie has a hard time recovering from this because the actual main villain is so much weaker.

It’s subversive but it comes at the expense of a cool climax. The new villain’s second in command is reasonably tough but only makes this a real fight because he grabs some weapons at the end. Likewise the actual new villain only does well because the hero is tired by then. It would be much more satisfying to take down a main villain who is super powerful. It also feels like maybe the film did this because Tang would have been no match for Master Li but I’d still have preferred to watch that fight.

Ultimately though, the film’s lacking because of Tang in each scenario though. Beating up on the heroes while working for the villains is pretty wild in itself but he’s always extremely slow to act. At one point a group of 5 men attack one of the heroines and he just stands there like a statue until their blows start to add up and he realizes he should be in there fighting. Yeah it’s good that he eventually got in there but leaving her to fend for herself for any period of time really wasn’t cool.

That’s it for the spoilers so back to the program. The old master’s wife and daughter were more reasonable than Tang at least which is good although you do feel like they were just holding him back the whole time. I know they needed to be there as per tradition for their revenge but if Tang had just gone by himself then the whole film would have played out verrrrry differently. Having to watch out for two noncombatants the whole time is very tricky.

The film can also get a little dark at times. Of course you have the kid dying which I wasn’t really expecting. Fortunately it’s completely off screen but it’s still something we didn’t really need here. Two characters commit suicide and so the film which already had a fairly large body count, really added to it with some intense ones there. Considering that the gang’s run things for a while now, it’s likely something that happens a lot. Master Li’s reasoning for not fighting back doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Yeah he was waiting for proof but in the meantime his men are being attacked and the villains are gaining more ground. That’s a losing, defensive strategy. If you want to win then you have to press forward and attack. It’s not like he’s a diplomat who needs absolute proof before doing anything. He’s a martial arts master whose first duty is protecting his students, he really should have done something.

The characters don’t always feel very logical to me and it feels like an honor thing at times. They all just have to pretend to be polite at all times and do everything by the book. That may be fine in some scenarios but often times you need to get out there and attack. While I have numerous issues with Tang throughout the film, at least his intro scene where he jumped in to defend the master was good. It would have been nice if he would have at least looked decent in the fight instead of being thrown around effortlessly but the attempt was the important part.

Overall, Dragon Fist is not going to be able to hang in there blow for blow with most of its martial art rivals but if you’re looking for a quick film with lots of action then this definitely works out well. It is over with very quickly and so the pacing’s not bad. I would have liked a little more action and for Tang to have been more likable for it to have crossed over into the next level. I think that alone could have bumped it an extra two stars. It just focused too much on so many different plots with all of the factions which could work really well for a series where you keep spreading out the cast for the inevitable conclusion but having 3 different groups in a film that’s barely 90 minutes is pushing it. You don’t have much reason to care about some of these characters and it takes away from the main story which gets put on the backburner at different points.

Overall 5/10

Gravity Review

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It’s time for a film about outer space. It goes with the very bold option of trying to have a very small cast but ultimately this was not the way to play it. I like outer space as much as the next guy but for just about any film you need a lot of banter and characters to be trying to outmaneuver each other. Most of this film is really just the main heroine trying to survive and as a result there isn’t a lot going on here.

The movie starts with Matt, an expert at this kind of thing and Ryan, our main heroine who is also an expert at least on the theory level but hasn’t really had to go into space like this before. It’s all going routinely until a big chunk of debris knocks the life out of everybody with Matt and Ryan being the only survivors but very quickly this becomes Ryan’s solo mission. She has to try and get enough systems back online to get back to Earth but it’s not easy as this was never meant to be done by one person. Can she surpass her limits right here and now or is it all over for her?

So the main problem here is basically what I said in the intro. There is only so much that you can do to fill out a whole film with just one character. It works in the anime/light novel format because you have a ton of inner monologue from the main character but in films that doesn’t usually happen. If Ryan was constantly thinking about what to do next, making plans, etc. then that would be a different story. It’s just pretty rare for you to see that in a live action film because it’s really just not the way that the stories are typically crafted. Also the genre is a bit different, it might not be super organic to see her thinking about plans and such when she’s just been thrown into this situation.

I’ll take entertainment over realism so I’d have been cool with it of course. The best part of the film is really the intro because I enjoyed Matt’s character and seeing just how hard he tries to help her out the whole time. He really did his best in a tough situation and never made her feel guilty or anything with what happens to him. So that guy was a standout character all the way. Ryan’s also a solid lead and came through when it counts but since part of the film is really about how this is her first time, she does understandably panic a whole lot more. Ironically Matt would probably make for a worse main character since he would just be silently doing everything and the film would become a silent flick real quick.

I’ve seen a few other films like this where it’s just one character for most of the film and so far they just never really work out. It’s just not a genre (Eh this would probably be considered a sub genre at least right?) that works for me. You do get some nice visuals of space of course. There isn’t much of a soundtrack since space is quiet and all but they tried hard on the technical side. The writing seemed good enough when there was dialogue as well although we just don’t get to see that for very long.

Okay here’s what I’ll say for the film. It’s a terrific writing prompt. It’s interesting to think about what you would do if you were stranded in space and how you would survive. You could absolutely make a whole book series about it as you slowly learn to grow crops/artificial food within the spacecraft, water, etc. Maybe you live for years on your own before people come to rescue you. It would really test your creativity.

It’s just that watching a film about it ends up being super boring. There’s no way around this, you’re not really given anything to wrestle with. No themes to discuss, no dialogue to rate, no fights to enjoy. There isn’t even much variety in scenery since she is stuck in the ship all the time. It just feels like too passive of a viewing experience. I need to be thinking about something, absorbing things so I can be running scenarios in my head. Otherwise it’s sort of like you’re just watching the main character walk around and it’s not super engaging.

Even the review feels a bit repetitive after a while because it’s like I’ve only been talking about one thing the whole time. Well, that’s what watching the film was like. I do want to underscore that it’s not a bad film, I’d just say that it’s not a good one either. It’s perfectly stuck right in the middle unable to move one way or the other. It’s not interesting enough to wow you or anything like that but it doesn’t commit any huge mistakes nor is it overly boring. It’s uneventful but I’ve seen some films that are truly boring and I can tell you that this one shouldn’t be considered to be in that same league.

Overall, Gravity is a film that takes an interesting concept and tries to execute it but it just doesn’t work in a movie context. I think this would be far more interesting to read as a book. If you are really into space or aspire to be an astronaut at some point then this film should hold a lot of extra value because I imagine they did consult with experts on a lot of the science so it’s more or less accurate. It’s a good idea to at least think about what you’ll do if you’re ever stranded. Me though, I plan to stay on Earth for the duration of my life. Space travel or going underwater are both things I’ve never been tempted to try and definitely would never do even if you paid me. I just need the solid Earth beneath me at all times with breathable air. The most dangerous hobby I’m into is competitive eating to be honest.

Overall 5/10

Empire of the Ants Review

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Time for a foe that is just as scary as a spider…an ant! Look you don’t want to mess with Ants for a variety of reasons but one is that they always have numbers on their side. The plot of this film changes quite a bit as the film goes on and the second half in particular is very interesting with the route that was chosen. The ending isn’t quite as hype as the spiders film though but ultimately this one executes at a much higher level.

The movie starts by introducing us to a bunch of characters who are invited onto a private island to see if they want to buy it or invest in it. They are all supposed to be rich people who can afford such a lavish purchase but what the host doesn’t realize is…a good deal of them are not rich or have no interest in buying the property at all. They’re just here to mess around and eat the free food. It also appears that this place is a scam anyway which is why it’s being offered away so aggressively. Unfortunately the danger isn’t merely to the pocket books as harmful chemicals have given the ants an attack boost. They are now massive and can rip people apart with ease. Can our heroes hold their own against these guys or are they doomed?

The film starts out quite poorly with one guy getting a girl alone and attacking her. She barely manages to fend him off but rather than murdering him or having the guy arrested she doesn’t really report this to anyone and just leaves. The guy’s boss also doesn’t do anything so from this point on you’re really just waiting for the ant to eat him. Like come on why are you starting the film like this. The whole intro is a bit slow as the characters all talk but most of them seem to hate each other and there’s a ton of very awkward small talk. It’s awkward by design of course but it does make for a fairly slow pace. Gradually they start to pair up and get along but you’re really just waiting for the ants to show up.

Sure enough they appear to start murdering people one by one. A good chunk of the film is about running around and trying to dodge ants. There are always various forks in the road so the characters will split up and you try to decide which ones made the wrong call. To an extent no route is that safe though so there is a lot of danger every which way. One thing the film does really good about showing though is that the ants are quite smart. They actively make plans and even try guiding the heroes into specific locations. Ants are generally pretty smart and have an advanced system within the tribe and so I’m glad we got to see that.

This part is fairly by the numbers but with so many annoying characters you are glad to see them get taken out. Some are more tragic than others though like an elderly couple that tries to hide in a house. You feel bad because it’s really a rough way to go when you’ve been around for so long. Like you lived to be 80 and then now you’re going to be eaten by ants? Just doesn’t feel right so that adds a tragic element to the film. The deaths can also be a little on the violent side. Not super overdone or anything. I think it’s just that enough of the death is shown so when you add it to how you imagine it would feel to be eaten alive and it’s a really rough picture.

As I mentioned the second half is where things get really interesting though. So the survivors make it over to a nearby town where everyone seems really nice but secretive. They don’t want the heroes to leave the town or anything like that. A little strange…but okay. So the heroes need to get out fast now but they will be up against the full might of the U.S. Government. There are a lot of secrets being held here and the biggest one really comes out of nowhere. It’s definitely an interesting moment though and explains why the place is so unnerving. I thought it was a brilliant twist but this really should have been the bulk of the movie. It’s just got so much potential and I feel like we didn’t stay here long enough.

Honestly if you focus on the second half I do think you could have actually gotten a pretty high score for the film. Remove the most annoying characters as well and treat this like a Twilight Zone episode. I feel like it was almost there, the whole thing was so close to being awesome and it just could not seal the deal. The two halves almost feel like completely different films and you don’t see that very often.

Overall, Empire of the Ants is not a film that I would rank very high. Too many annoying characters everywhere and while the dialogue can be rather funny, I don’t think the writing is great. The twists are a whole lot of fun but you will have some big questions about a few and won’t have time to get the answers. The ending gets really convenient really quickly and just makes the villains look super sloppy as opposed to making the heroes look like geniuses. The moves just should not have worked and so I was real skeptical. Still, I applaud the film taking things in such a different direction because I really did not see that coming. It came as a real big surprise and absolutely elevated the film because if we were just talking about the first half then we would have been in trouble.

Overall 5/10