Category Archives: 5 Star Movies

The Enchanted Cottage Review

Posted on by
Reply


All right it’s time for a romance film that’s going for more of a wholesome feel. Unfortunately it does make some mistakes along the way like the romance being a rebound which always hurts its potential. It’s a fairly low key film and so it’s not bad or anything like that but it doesn’t succeed in nearly as much as it would have liked. It needed a bit of a rewrite in some areas to really take things to the next level.

The movie starts off with Oliver and his fiancé heading to a small college to prepare for their honey moon. This place is enchanted according to the legends and it should bring them happiness. The fiancé doesn’t love the place but she wants Oliver to be happy and accepts his decision to spend the duration of the trip there. The place is run by a nice old lady and a newcomer named Laura. Laura has had a tough time of thing in life because most people find her looks repulsive which makes everyone seem rather petty to be honest. They can’t just act nice at least? The film desperately wants you to think that Laura looks downright ugly but doesn’t do a particularly good job of it at all. The movie needed some special effects or something.

Well, the plans change when Oliver is called back into active duty. During one of the battles he is mildly scarred in the face and loses the use of one of his arms for a while. His fiancé and family try to console him but he’s too ashamed to see anyone and so he locks himself in the cottage. The only ones allowed to see him are Laura and the home owner. Eventually the fiancé gives up and the family leaves. Oliver then decides he still wants a wife so he goes after Laura and while she is thrilled to finally have a guy, part of her feels like she’s just the consolation prize. Does he actually like her?

So we have come to my biggest problem with the film. In my mind her fears are correct and he practically admits as such. He doesn’t want to be alone and with his scars, he figures that he can never attract all of the beautiful women that he once could. So Laura is basically the best that he can get and Laura really needed to have the strength of will to say no. That’s just really insulting to be honest and romance is something you should never settle for. You’re either first pick or you’re last. There’s no real in between there.

Yes the film does make the case that by the end he really likes her but it’s hard to see how this would have started in the first place. It’s a rather big piece to just shelve for a while isn’t it? Also you feel bad for the original fiancé because she was going to stay by his side. He’s the one who pushed her away and so she really got the short end of the stick here. They were engaged and everything so now she has to go back to square 1 to find herself another guy? That’s really gotta be rough.

The family don’t look great here. They mean well but definitely complain a lot and ultimately make things tougher on Oliver. It would have been nice if at least one of them could have been supportive though. Even if your kid ends up falling in love with someone that you don’t find to be attractive, there’s no reason why your kid should ever know that. Keep those thoughts to yourself and remember that beauty isn’t the only reason to get together with someone. That would be extremely shallow.

There is a supporting character here named John who is blind. That actually works well for Oliver since he doesn’t have to be embarrassed when they talk. They’re actually able to converse naturally and John is a very perceptive guy. He does his best to help during the film even if it doesn’t particularly go well. He’s a nice guy and was a good supporting character.

Finally we have the lead heroine Laura. As mentioned earlier, she has to go through a lot here. The film plays up how ugly everyone thinks she is to a rather crazy degree where men will even back up when they see her. They don’t want to get anywhere near her and so that makes for a super tragic part of the film. Particularly since she tries to avoid these scenarios as much as possible but is basically forced into it later on in the film. She seriously can’t catch a break and that really is sad. So you’re rooting for her but as the older lady mentioned, sometimes you just gotta stay alone. There’s nothing wrong with that and it’s better to be alone than to settle. At least that’s how I see it although I’m sure some would debate that.

The best thing about Laura’s character is that she really takes everything in stride. Sure, she does get upset and sad at times which is completely understandable but she doesn’t take it out on anyone else. Laura does her best to get right back on the saddle and help out around the cottage. That’s the trait of a good main character. The writing is good and the film goes back fast so I had no real technical issues here.

Overall, The Enchanted Cottage is a pleasant film on the surface but I thought the romance was really weak which does end up hurting the rest of the experience. It should have made Oliver less of a jerk the whole time. I actually think they should have made it so that the fiancé and family were treating him poorly. So he got to experience what Laura had to go through all those years and that would have been a great way to link them together. At that point it’s not like he settled for her but that he grew to love her because of how she stayed strong despite all of the trauma. Maybe they could work that in for a reboot. In the meantime you could definitely do better than this film.

Overall 5/10

Here Comes Mr. Jordan Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for another film involving souls and it was pretty interesting but I definitely had a massive problem with the ending. The problem was so big that I dare say it ends up having a big effect on the movie itself. It’s just not the way you want to see these things go and it felt like the main character basically got the raw end of the deal. Nothing went the way that it should have for him.

The movie starts with Joe getting ready for the biggest match of his life. If he wins this then he will be crowned the #1 boxing champ. Joe has been training his entire life for this and is pretty confident in his chances. He hops into his plane and heads on over but some wind shows up and his plane starts to crash. That’s when he wakes up in the after life where he is being taken away….permanently. The whole thing seems rather off so he questions the angel, 7013 on this. Well…it looks like this guy is new at the job and he jumped the gun by taking Joe out early. His boss Jordan vows to make this right.

He will see to it that Joe has a satisfactory new body to replace the old one and that he can live out the rest of his life there. He’s supposed to have dozens of years left to live and so of course Jordan will make sure that he gets to live those years. Joe is not thrilled about any of this but will give this a fair shake as he waits for a good body. There has to be one around here somewhere. And so begins the journey of body hopping and trying to become the champ again.

A good chunk of the film takes place with a corrupt businessman named Farnsworth. See, he was murdered by his wife and her rebound guy so this is a decent body for Joe. It’s not exactly in the most well fit shape but it can do the job. The only problem is of course that people want him dead and the girl that Joe likes (Bette) can’t stand Farnsworth. Well, it’s time for justice and maybe he can get her to change her mind by becoming a better person.

This is really where the film should have stayed as this makes perfect sense for the film. He gets to have a shot at the title because he’s so rich that he can schedule fights and he can use his wealth to make the world a better place. How do you top that right? Well, that would be the general idea but the characters don’t play this smart and the film isn’t quite done yet. There are more bodies to hop and twists to come flying.

First I will say it’s odd that Joe didn’t do anything about the people who murdered Farnsworth. He knows good and well that his wife and secretary had already murdered him once so doesn’t it stand to reason that they would do this again? It makes no sense that he just leaves them to their own devices and doesn’t do a thing about it. This ultimately comes back to bite him and it’s all just rather senseless. Additionally there’s a long period there where Joe doesn’t even really think much about taking them to justice, it’s the last thing on his mind and so he’s close to just letting these murderers keep the money and just doing his own thing. That also doesn’t make sense, cmon now.

Joe’s just not a very smart guy and makes every kind of mistake imaginable. If there’s an error to be made then he will make it. It’s just that simple and that’s really bad all around. You’re rooting for him because he’s a nice guy, but he is definitely a frustrating character the whole time. It’s like he’s sabotaging himself the whole time. Meanwhile it goes without saying that everyone should be upset at 7013 since he messed everything up in the first place. Despite that, he has the gall to be complaining about the situation at different points and how time consuming it all is. He’s the guy who made the situation like this in the first place so there’s really no sympathy here.

Jordan is a bit disappointing in the end too and Joe should be mad at the guy. First off, he absolutely could have warned Joe that he was about to get bumped off the second time. He knew in advance so why not mention something? I’d argue even if it’s against the rules that wouldn’t matter in this case since the situation was all his fault as well. At that point there’s no real precedent for what’s going on. The worst part is also that Jordan ends up just being a big liar the whole time. He made a lot of promises to Joe the whole time about how he would be able to live out the rest of his life and get his shot to be the champion. While the latter maybe counts if you really squint, he definitely went back on the first aspect. It’s just a super rough spot to be in because Joe really lost everything without anything to show for it.

The film also doesn’t make Bette look good as a result. You have to understand that she falls in love with Joe when he’s in the Farnsworth body and then falls for him again in the next one? As far as she knows these are two completely different people so she moves on way too quickly. That’s not the way you find true love and it just makes her look more on the shallow side. I definitely expected better from her here and the romance in general is definitely on the weaker side. Even in the first place it’s hard to see her falling for Farnsworth when he was the one responsible for sending her father to prison. Yes, he made things right but it’s way too late by then right?

Joe’s boss Max was an entertaining character and I always enjoyed seeing him around but the guy could be a bit slow on the uptake at times. Things definitely didn’t go his way a whole lot and you could argue that he probably lose out the most in a lot of ways. Yes, the ending does throw him a bit of a bone but that’s all it does. The guy should have gotten off with a much better fate. He may have contributed to the issue by burning up the original body but it’s not like he ever could have known what was going to happen so I can’t blame him there.

Overall, The writing is good and I enjoyed the plot but the whole movie feels rather unfair to Joe. He was taken from Earth way too early and so he correctly fought for his case to go back. All well and good but the end of the film just slips the rug out from under him which is unfortunate. So I had a good time here and the comedy could be good but parts of the story feel really forced and additionally that ending is particularly brutal. That knocks it down a few pegs here and it’s an eternal reminder of why an ending is supremely important. Without it, you have nothing!

Overall 5/10

An Eye for an Eye Review

Posted on by
Reply

This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a revenge story. Sort of like John Wick but this film does balance in some humor the whole time as well and it can be difficult to balance out those two tones. I will say to the film’s credit, it did a pretty good job with the two of them. I was pretty satisfied the whole time at least on a tonal level although the film as a whole I wouldn’t say was all that great.

The movie starts with Sean and his partner getting ready to finally complete this big undercover drug case that they have been on for a very long time. It’s been a really grueling mission the whole time but things are looking up. Unfortunately it turns out to be a set up and Sean’s partner is murdered while he barely manages to stay alive. So what’s going on here, who set them up? It’s hard to find out because Captain Stevens on the police force is blaming Sean for everything so Sean quits. He isn’t able to stay out of the situation for long though as his partner’s girlfriend is murdered after calling Sean about a lead she had. Now Sean will have to team up with her father James who happens to have been his old coach. Can they uncover the truth behind all of this?

If it was just a matter of beating everyone up then that would certainly be easier but the main problem here is actually figuring out who the big villain is first. There are a lot of players involved so you can bet that there are a ton of coverups and misdirects as well. Sean gets lucky more times than not. He’s a great fighter but I wouldn’t call him a detective so it’s fortunate that Linda and her colleague Heather managed to pick up most of the pieces. Linda even came close to escaping but unfortunately let her guard down at the end.

As the main hero I would say Sean is a solid main character. It can be annoying how he gets knocked out at times but since most of the movie is about him absolutely dominating whole squads of villains I can let it slide. The one point in particular that made me shake my head though was when he was face to face with the guy who murdered Linda and then allowed himself to be downed in a single blow. You just can’t let that kind of thing happen to you. Otherwise I did enjoy all of the fight scenes. The movie did a good job with the choreography and showing how Sean was just on a completely different level.

At the same time he loses some points for not treating the situation with the level of urgency that you would expect here. There are murders going on and everything is real shady right now yet he has time for a romance? The romance here feels really rushed, forced, and unnecessary as you’d expect. There’s just no room for that right now and it would have been better if that was something that could have been a plot to be started as the credits roll. “The danger is over and the world is saved, now we can discuss the future.” Something like that would be completely reasonable.

So the same is true for Heather and even more so in a way because she’s currently being targeted by the villains and unlike Sean, it’s not like she can fight. They already broke into her house once early on so she needs to keep her priorities straight. One guy who is not good about priorities has to be Captain Stevens. I did think he handled the whole situation poorly at the beginning with being so hard on Sean when the operation fumbled. I don’t know how he actually figured he could blame it on the lead. His reasoning was shaky at best.

To an extent I think it’s because the film was trying to convince us that maybe he was the murderer. A nice attempt I suppose but you have to handle that with a little more subtlety otherwise he’s just unreasonable. James was a unique character because at first you figure he’s going to be the tough mentor type character who is always ready for action but instead he spends every scene getting absolutely humiliated. The guy loses almost all of his fights but still talks tough afterwards. After a point it’s clear that he is a comedic character so that helps but at first I was definitely astonished.

In a way it’s realistic though as you probably can’t fight so well when you’re really old despite what most films would have you believe. So I was not expecting the character’s story to play out the way that it did but it worked out well enough. Again, maybe he should be taking things a little more seriously considering what happened to his daughter but after a point you have to just decide if you can roll with the fact that the movie is going for a light comedic tone to offset the dark moments or not. I think some of the scenes could have been timed better but ultimately I was mainly okay with it.

Ultimately the actual main villain here is okay but more on the forgettable side. He can’t fight or anything and has to rely on the hired help to save the day. That doesn’t go so well for him once Sean enters the building and it’s why you always want to be able to fight. He does have the classic hostage trip at the ready which is a decent equalizer but in the end that will usually just stall for time. His right hand man is fun enough as well. The guy is fairly unassuming but can fire a gun as well.

The movie’s twists work well enough. There’s enough to keep you guessing the whole time. The story itself was okay but I couldn’t really get into it a ton. You have drugs being moved and conspiracies and all but it felt more like the basic outline of a plot to start up the fights rather than it being fully developed. Like if the villains didn’t make so many large moves then they may not have been in so much trouble. Kidnapping Linda would have bought them way more time than murdering her. Since they had a mole within the police they could have made so many more moves over time rather than waiting until the end. There were limitless opportunities to bump off Sean quietly as well.

Ultimately it feels like one of those movies that isn’t as clever as it thinks that it is the more you actually think about it. I imagine you’re mainly here for the fights anyway though which are fun but I would have liked something more to support it. The film also didn’t sell me on the various flashbacks we would get every now and again to show Sean’s rage at losing his partner. It felt a bit overplayed by the end and just wasn’t as effective as it could have been. Throw in the fanservice romance scenes and this film doesn’t stand the test of time.

Overall, It’s not a bad movie but I wouldn’t say it’s very good either. It’s a forgettable thriller amidst a genre that is filled with many better ones. The revenge genre can be hit or miss depending on how edgy the writers want to approach it. This time they decided to take a more upbeat approach which is interesting but it does make Sean look a bit like a jerk at times. There are some liens that I found to be pretty funny during the movie though. It had a good sense of humor and the fights did live up to the hype. So in the end I would say to check it out if you really like a good battle but the story leaves much to be desired.

Overall 5/10

Dragon Fist Review

Posted on by
7


It’s time for a very old film with Jackie Chan. It’s definitely not one of his best films but the fight scenes are definitely on point when they occur. You get a lot of action at the end of the film but outside of a fight near the beginning, the film does go a long while without action. There are quite a few twists throughout the movie which does take it in a different direction than you might have expected but in this case that’s not necessarily a good thing.

The movie starts off with two factions fighting. One of them wins and so the master claims the title of “Champion” and has the banner to prove it. The master of a different faction didn’t like this and so he challenges the first one to a battle for the crown. The first master loses and is promptly murdered. His top student Tang is tasked with avenging the master’s death and restoring honor to his family. So he travels with the master’s wife and daughter to the home base of the villainous Master Li. Tang has been doing some training but is he really ready to take on a master level opponent when he was folded so easily the first time? Additionally there is a lot of politics going on here with various factions so Tang must really plan his moves carefully or risk complete and utter defeat.

Okay so lets start off with the positives here. The fight scenes are really good. I always appreciate some good martial arts like what this film has. The choreography is really good and the fighters are attacking at high speeds all the time. You feel good power behind the blows and it’s nice when two fighters finally go at it in life or death stakes near the end. A lot of the action scenes tend to involve one side holding back due to circumstances but of course you’re eager to see the fighters cut loose. There’s a really fast fists barrage near the end of the film which should really stand out even among the other combos.

The film is also fairly unpredictable which is good to an extent. I probably would have preferred the more predictable plot of revenge in this case but more on that later. There are also a decent amount of memorable supporting characters so it helps make the film more memorable. For example the 2nd in command for the main villain and the main heroine of Master Li’s faction. So it’s not one of those films where only the main character and villain are important.

Now on the not as impressive side is the main character. This is in part I’d say a cultural difference as well. A lot of times in both Japanese and Chinese films, there’s a lot of stock put on family honor and doing whatever you gotta do in order to preserve it. The main problem is that this will often result in the characters making the wrong decisions just because to go against it would be dishonorable. Tang strikes me as that kind of character as he goes as far as to become a full villain after some strategic blackmail. Here’s the main problem, he should just be taking what he needs by force.

The situation involves a drug that he needs or at least the formula to replicate it and the only way he can get it is to beat people up by working for a gang. At that point if you’re going to have to be a villain anyway, choose the outcome that has the least amount of victims. In that case it would be taking down the villains himself. Tang just seems a little slow on the uptake here as he doesn’t quite seem to realize how evil his bosses are when they don’t really hide it.

There’s one scene where the villains murder a child and Tang gets framed for it. He quickly confirms that he didn’t murder the child but this doesn’t stop one of the villains from being upset at how he orchestrated all of this for Tang to murder some more heroes. Here’s the thing..he says that right in front of Tang yet the lead doesn’t visibly react at all. Surely that should have been the end of this alliance right?

Then Tang goes as far as to fight all of the good guys at once while still working for the villain and it’s not until the final 15 minutes or so that he realizes he’s not doing well. This results in yet an even higher body count once more. I would also argue that the ending isn’t even a happy one at all. You have to remember that the heroes were heavily outnumbered with numerous guys with swords bumping off anyone who tried to leave the complex. The movie ends immediately after the final fight but as far as we know there are 3-4 super weakened heroes left who are going to have to fight well over 2 dozen armed fighters. I don’t think they’re actually leaving that place alive. There’s a slight shot Tang can do something since he’s the most skilled but even then I just don’t see it.

All right time for some spoilers so skip the next 3 paragraphs if you haven’t seen the film. It’s time for me to go into detail on some of the twists and why they didn’t work for me. Well first off, we never got the big fight with Master Li. It turns out that his wife destroyed herself in guilt after his win because she had an affair with the other guy so then Li removed his leg as penance and wants to make amends with the main characters. It’s not like you can just go ahead and beat up on someone with one leg who can no longer fight although Tang comes dangerously close to attempting this anyway. It’s a very intense twist to be sure but it means we have lost the main villain//the strongest fighter in the series. The movie has a hard time recovering from this because the actual main villain is so much weaker.

It’s subversive but it comes at the expense of a cool climax. The new villain’s second in command is reasonably tough but only makes this a real fight because he grabs some weapons at the end. Likewise the actual new villain only does well because the hero is tired by then. It would be much more satisfying to take down a main villain who is super powerful. It also feels like maybe the film did this because Tang would have been no match for Master Li but I’d still have preferred to watch that fight.

Ultimately though, the film’s lacking because of Tang in each scenario though. Beating up on the heroes while working for the villains is pretty wild in itself but he’s always extremely slow to act. At one point a group of 5 men attack one of the heroines and he just stands there like a statue until their blows start to add up and he realizes he should be in there fighting. Yeah it’s good that he eventually got in there but leaving her to fend for herself for any period of time really wasn’t cool.

That’s it for the spoilers so back to the program. The old master’s wife and daughter were more reasonable than Tang at least which is good although you do feel like they were just holding him back the whole time. I know they needed to be there as per tradition for their revenge but if Tang had just gone by himself then the whole film would have played out verrrrry differently. Having to watch out for two noncombatants the whole time is very tricky.

The film can also get a little dark at times. Of course you have the kid dying which I wasn’t really expecting. Fortunately it’s completely off screen but it’s still something we didn’t really need here. Two characters commit suicide and so the film which already had a fairly large body count, really added to it with some intense ones there. Considering that the gang’s run things for a while now, it’s likely something that happens a lot. Master Li’s reasoning for not fighting back doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Yeah he was waiting for proof but in the meantime his men are being attacked and the villains are gaining more ground. That’s a losing, defensive strategy. If you want to win then you have to press forward and attack. It’s not like he’s a diplomat who needs absolute proof before doing anything. He’s a martial arts master whose first duty is protecting his students, he really should have done something.

The characters don’t always feel very logical to me and it feels like an honor thing at times. They all just have to pretend to be polite at all times and do everything by the book. That may be fine in some scenarios but often times you need to get out there and attack. While I have numerous issues with Tang throughout the film, at least his intro scene where he jumped in to defend the master was good. It would have been nice if he would have at least looked decent in the fight instead of being thrown around effortlessly but the attempt was the important part.

Overall, Dragon Fist is not going to be able to hang in there blow for blow with most of its martial art rivals but if you’re looking for a quick film with lots of action then this definitely works out well. It is over with very quickly and so the pacing’s not bad. I would have liked a little more action and for Tang to have been more likable for it to have crossed over into the next level. I think that alone could have bumped it an extra two stars. It just focused too much on so many different plots with all of the factions which could work really well for a series where you keep spreading out the cast for the inevitable conclusion but having 3 different groups in a film that’s barely 90 minutes is pushing it. You don’t have much reason to care about some of these characters and it takes away from the main story which gets put on the backburner at different points.

Overall 5/10

Gravity Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for a film about outer space. It goes with the very bold option of trying to have a very small cast but ultimately this was not the way to play it. I like outer space as much as the next guy but for just about any film you need a lot of banter and characters to be trying to outmaneuver each other. Most of this film is really just the main heroine trying to survive and as a result there isn’t a lot going on here.

The movie starts with Matt, an expert at this kind of thing and Ryan, our main heroine who is also an expert at least on the theory level but hasn’t really had to go into space like this before. It’s all going routinely until a big chunk of debris knocks the life out of everybody with Matt and Ryan being the only survivors but very quickly this becomes Ryan’s solo mission. She has to try and get enough systems back online to get back to Earth but it’s not easy as this was never meant to be done by one person. Can she surpass her limits right here and now or is it all over for her?

So the main problem here is basically what I said in the intro. There is only so much that you can do to fill out a whole film with just one character. It works in the anime/light novel format because you have a ton of inner monologue from the main character but in films that doesn’t usually happen. If Ryan was constantly thinking about what to do next, making plans, etc. then that would be a different story. It’s just pretty rare for you to see that in a live action film because it’s really just not the way that the stories are typically crafted. Also the genre is a bit different, it might not be super organic to see her thinking about plans and such when she’s just been thrown into this situation.

I’ll take entertainment over realism so I’d have been cool with it of course. The best part of the film is really the intro because I enjoyed Matt’s character and seeing just how hard he tries to help her out the whole time. He really did his best in a tough situation and never made her feel guilty or anything with what happens to him. So that guy was a standout character all the way. Ryan’s also a solid lead and came through when it counts but since part of the film is really about how this is her first time, she does understandably panic a whole lot more. Ironically Matt would probably make for a worse main character since he would just be silently doing everything and the film would become a silent flick real quick.

I’ve seen a few other films like this where it’s just one character for most of the film and so far they just never really work out. It’s just not a genre (Eh this would probably be considered a sub genre at least right?) that works for me. You do get some nice visuals of space of course. There isn’t much of a soundtrack since space is quiet and all but they tried hard on the technical side. The writing seemed good enough when there was dialogue as well although we just don’t get to see that for very long.

Okay here’s what I’ll say for the film. It’s a terrific writing prompt. It’s interesting to think about what you would do if you were stranded in space and how you would survive. You could absolutely make a whole book series about it as you slowly learn to grow crops/artificial food within the spacecraft, water, etc. Maybe you live for years on your own before people come to rescue you. It would really test your creativity.

It’s just that watching a film about it ends up being super boring. There’s no way around this, you’re not really given anything to wrestle with. No themes to discuss, no dialogue to rate, no fights to enjoy. There isn’t even much variety in scenery since she is stuck in the ship all the time. It just feels like too passive of a viewing experience. I need to be thinking about something, absorbing things so I can be running scenarios in my head. Otherwise it’s sort of like you’re just watching the main character walk around and it’s not super engaging.

Even the review feels a bit repetitive after a while because it’s like I’ve only been talking about one thing the whole time. Well, that’s what watching the film was like. I do want to underscore that it’s not a bad film, I’d just say that it’s not a good one either. It’s perfectly stuck right in the middle unable to move one way or the other. It’s not interesting enough to wow you or anything like that but it doesn’t commit any huge mistakes nor is it overly boring. It’s uneventful but I’ve seen some films that are truly boring and I can tell you that this one shouldn’t be considered to be in that same league.

Overall, Gravity is a film that takes an interesting concept and tries to execute it but it just doesn’t work in a movie context. I think this would be far more interesting to read as a book. If you are really into space or aspire to be an astronaut at some point then this film should hold a lot of extra value because I imagine they did consult with experts on a lot of the science so it’s more or less accurate. It’s a good idea to at least think about what you’ll do if you’re ever stranded. Me though, I plan to stay on Earth for the duration of my life. Space travel or going underwater are both things I’ve never been tempted to try and definitely would never do even if you paid me. I just need the solid Earth beneath me at all times with breathable air. The most dangerous hobby I’m into is competitive eating to be honest.

Overall 5/10

Empire of the Ants Review

Posted on by
Reply


Time for a foe that is just as scary as a spider…an ant! Look you don’t want to mess with Ants for a variety of reasons but one is that they always have numbers on their side. The plot of this film changes quite a bit as the film goes on and the second half in particular is very interesting with the route that was chosen. The ending isn’t quite as hype as the spiders film though but ultimately this one executes at a much higher level.

The movie starts by introducing us to a bunch of characters who are invited onto a private island to see if they want to buy it or invest in it. They are all supposed to be rich people who can afford such a lavish purchase but what the host doesn’t realize is…a good deal of them are not rich or have no interest in buying the property at all. They’re just here to mess around and eat the free food. It also appears that this place is a scam anyway which is why it’s being offered away so aggressively. Unfortunately the danger isn’t merely to the pocket books as harmful chemicals have given the ants an attack boost. They are now massive and can rip people apart with ease. Can our heroes hold their own against these guys or are they doomed?

The film starts out quite poorly with one guy getting a girl alone and attacking her. She barely manages to fend him off but rather than murdering him or having the guy arrested she doesn’t really report this to anyone and just leaves. The guy’s boss also doesn’t do anything so from this point on you’re really just waiting for the ant to eat him. Like come on why are you starting the film like this. The whole intro is a bit slow as the characters all talk but most of them seem to hate each other and there’s a ton of very awkward small talk. It’s awkward by design of course but it does make for a fairly slow pace. Gradually they start to pair up and get along but you’re really just waiting for the ants to show up.

Sure enough they appear to start murdering people one by one. A good chunk of the film is about running around and trying to dodge ants. There are always various forks in the road so the characters will split up and you try to decide which ones made the wrong call. To an extent no route is that safe though so there is a lot of danger every which way. One thing the film does really good about showing though is that the ants are quite smart. They actively make plans and even try guiding the heroes into specific locations. Ants are generally pretty smart and have an advanced system within the tribe and so I’m glad we got to see that.

This part is fairly by the numbers but with so many annoying characters you are glad to see them get taken out. Some are more tragic than others though like an elderly couple that tries to hide in a house. You feel bad because it’s really a rough way to go when you’ve been around for so long. Like you lived to be 80 and then now you’re going to be eaten by ants? Just doesn’t feel right so that adds a tragic element to the film. The deaths can also be a little on the violent side. Not super overdone or anything. I think it’s just that enough of the death is shown so when you add it to how you imagine it would feel to be eaten alive and it’s a really rough picture.

As I mentioned the second half is where things get really interesting though. So the survivors make it over to a nearby town where everyone seems really nice but secretive. They don’t want the heroes to leave the town or anything like that. A little strange…but okay. So the heroes need to get out fast now but they will be up against the full might of the U.S. Government. There are a lot of secrets being held here and the biggest one really comes out of nowhere. It’s definitely an interesting moment though and explains why the place is so unnerving. I thought it was a brilliant twist but this really should have been the bulk of the movie. It’s just got so much potential and I feel like we didn’t stay here long enough.

Honestly if you focus on the second half I do think you could have actually gotten a pretty high score for the film. Remove the most annoying characters as well and treat this like a Twilight Zone episode. I feel like it was almost there, the whole thing was so close to being awesome and it just could not seal the deal. The two halves almost feel like completely different films and you don’t see that very often.

Overall, Empire of the Ants is not a film that I would rank very high. Too many annoying characters everywhere and while the dialogue can be rather funny, I don’t think the writing is great. The twists are a whole lot of fun but you will have some big questions about a few and won’t have time to get the answers. The ending gets really convenient really quickly and just makes the villains look super sloppy as opposed to making the heroes look like geniuses. The moves just should not have worked and so I was real skeptical. Still, I applaud the film taking things in such a different direction because I really did not see that coming. It came as a real big surprise and absolutely elevated the film because if we were just talking about the first half then we would have been in trouble.

Overall 5/10

Three Godfathers Review

Posted on by
Reply


This film’s pretty interesting in how it feels like it turns into a completely different film as soon as the main characters leave town. At first it seemed like more of a personal drama with a bunch of hooligans messing things up and having to be thrown out soon. Instead we get more of a survival film. I do have to admit that the first part seemed a little more interesting but it also could have backfired pretty badly with the romance so maybe this was the right move. It can drag a little but I wouldn’t call it a bad film.

The movie starts off with two strangers wandering into town. One is a nice old guy named Doc and the other is someone who likes music named Gus but keeps on changing his backstory. Still they’re harmless enough and this town is a very friendly one where everyone is invited to enjoy the festivities. It’s all going well until a third guy walks into the room, Bob. Bob was kicked out of the town years ago for generally being a big delinquent and nobody is happy to see him. He doesn’t seem happy to be here either but mainly returned to get some drinks and hook up with different people. One of the girls he liked is getting married though so he lost out.

He tries to play some mind games on her but ultimately it doesn’t work. So he robs the place with Doc and Gus as they run out of there. These hardened criminals won’t stop for anything…except a baby that they come across. His mother dies from being stuck in the desert for so long so now these three have to help the baby. Can they do it though? Bob is heavily against this and figures they should leave the baby to die while Doc in particular wants to help him. This could end up sealing his fate but ultimately he risks it all to make the right decision. Will they survive?

It’s always tricky when you have a film focusing around a bunch of villains because you have to be careful not to write them to be too evil or it’ll just be annoying for the viewers to see them the whole time. Alternately you don’t want to be halfhearted about the whole thing or then there was no point to the plot in general. Doc and Gus mostly hit that proper medium but Bob is mean enough where the redemption arc doesn’t work as well for him. There were several times he was going to leave the baby to fend for himself and certainly didn’t help much in trying to preserve everyones’ lives. He’s the kind of guy who is in it for himself all the way through.

Even back at home his poor reputation was well deserved. He’s clearly the kind of guy who has commitment issues and lies as he breathes. The guy really does everything possible to be a super antagonist the whole time. The characters should have definitely kicked him out again. Sure they were definitely scared but they had the numbers advantage there. The guy was also threatening the fiancé of one guy who just didn’t do much about it. It is a shame that the film pretty much confirms that the girl did still like Bob and basically settled with the nice guy for marriage. That always seems like one of the most tragic things where the guy is super happy because the girl finally said yes to marrying him and yet she only did it because there were no better options. That’s enough to traumatize someone.

Again, the film really shifts gears when the main characters leave the town though so these plots don’t actually get followed up nor do the characters appear much from this point. It’s glossed over a bit though in how Bob does shoot someone before leaving. You’d think he would have been shot on sight or taken down as soon as the baby was secure. He’s not exactly just a guy who’s down on his luck, he’s a hardened killer.

Meanwhile Doc and Gus share some guilt by association. They are stealing money from a town that absolutely could have used it and they are doing this for their own selfish ideals. Gus and Doc may be nicer people in general and have some kind of moral compass but it doesn’t take away from the fact that they are villains and it’s important to keep that in mind the whole time. Because if you forget it then that does a disservice to their victims.

It’s great that they wanted to help out the baby, it just doesn’t take away from the rest of their actions. On the topic of the baby though, that’s where the film starts to drag on a bit. It turns out that the rest of the film is all about escorting the baby through the desert. That means there is not much variety in the backgrounds and the heroes have to move very slowly since they are basically dying of hunter and thirst by the end. It’s not the most engaging watch as a result because you want things to move a whole lot quicker.

The writing is solid enough with a lot of good dialogue but the film just doesn’t make much progress at all. It feels like you could easily cut out 20-30 minutes from the film and you would be set. Viewers who really like the desert or appreciate a slow burn will probably enjoy it but it’s all a bit overdone for me. Even considering that the film’s length isn’t even all that long on its own. No this was definitely that could have been changed a bit. There’s just not much to find interesting about some people carrying a baby through the desert without some kind of sub plot or the event being that enormous that it warrants such a long detailed amount of screentime.

Overall, This is a film where almost all of it is about walking through the desert. It’s played fairly serious so there’s not a whole lot of banter or anything like that to take your mind off of things. It’s a solidly written movie but the only main negative is that it can be a little boring and that’s a big blow for any film. You always want to be exciting or at least super entertaining throughout your whole run. If not then it feels like something really went wrong. Having this take place in the city or something would have been better or maybe just more fight scenes. This was definitely way more adventure than action after all. Or just have the heroes make it to a town where they have to fight off the locals to get the bay some medical attention, now there would be a climax and you’d have all 3 make it there, but two would die during the fight so there’s just one man left standing.

Overall 5/10

Practical Magic Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for a film about magic and how a curse can really last for a very long amount of time. The film has its moments but the whole main romance is really just a big rebound so that does take some points without a doubt. Ultimately the movie goes by rather quickly and it’s an entertaining ride even if it won’t end up being one of the top titles.

The film starts off with a witch creating a curse that bad things will befall any guy who tries to get together with her descendants. The marriage will not be able to last and that has carried through to the present. Sally is our main character and she’s not going to let a curse stop her. She marries a guy named Michael and they had some kids but one day he is hit by a truck and she finally realizes that there is no way to beat the curse. She will not allow herself to love ever again but her sister isn’t ready to quit yet and has a ton of affairs. Unfortunately she has gone in with the wrong crowd now by getting together with a crazy guy named Jimmy. Sally will have to help her out before it’s too late but in the meantime what if she falls in love with one of the local authorities named Gary?

Of course that’s exactly what happens and so there is no way to get around this romance. Sally basically lost her husband to a curse and now she’s going to move on just like that? She probably should have just brought him back to life. Yes, the whole movie is a cautionary tale against doing such a thing but I think you can make it work. In a world where magic is real and it is actually possible to revive someone (albeit with some side effects) then you just have to spend your life perfecting the spell to make it work. I guarantee that it’s at least a possibility considering that we know the magic exits.

So the romance ends up being annoying as a result. Granted Gary’s not even a bad guy. He’s a good person trying to do the right thing and help out. It’s just that I’m not buying the romance. Particularly since Michael was also a good guy before he bought the farm early. The most annoying character has to be Gillian though because she’s the one dragging Sally into a whole lot of trouble. From what we’ve seen of Jimmy he wasn’t exactly a class act from the start so how did this relationship even start?

Regardless he ends up causing a lot of trouble for the duration of the film. Naturally he takes the bulk of the blame since he’s the one going around breaking the law and basically trying to murder the heroines. It would just be nice if Gillian was more responsible since it doesn’t feel like she actually learns any lessons during the film. The aunts are also not without blame as they just run out midway through the film and vanish during the climax. It sure would have been nice to have had some adult supervision to back Sally up when she was in a tight spot.

The film feels pretty short and it’s entertaining enough. There are definitely some jokes that work well like the heroes murdering Jimmy multiple times. The plot is serious to an extent but there are always a lot of lighthearted moments thrown in to keep everything balanced. It also wasn’t too easy to snap the curse so the original witch’s power was definitely impressive. You’d think the main characters or at least the aunts could have worked a bit harder to blow up the curse but granted it seems like the aunts agreed with it to an extent. So they had no real reason to snap it.

The cast here is fairly small which isn’t a bad idea so you can focus on the characters but it’s just a problem that none of them are super likable. There aren’t any standouts here and as a result the film isn’t quite as lively or exciting as it could have been. You’ll never feel bored while watching it or anything like that but there also isn’t a ton of replay value here either. So it’s not bad but it’s not that good either and just winds up being in the middle. I will give the ending props for using the power of friendship though. Sally had been neglecting the other moms at school who were just trying to help and so by the end they all help each other out. It may be a bit cheesy but it was still a decent climax.

One thing the film could have done maybe was to lean into the curse a bit more. Have Sally actually try meeting tons of guys and each time something goes wrong. The main weakness of this strategy is it could make Sally look completely desperate so it should be played completely for laughs with lots of slapstick. Then you never do a serious romance and the plot of the film is more actively about ending the curse. I will say that the curse is slick to not activate until the descendant has had kids so this way the lineage will continue to grow.

Overall, Practical Magic is a decent movie but I feel like there’s so much more you could do with magic. I tend to feel this way for most slice of life/romance type movies that involve magic. Magic is one of the ultimate fantasies for any person to have. There are so many ways you can immediately enhance your life with it or even just show off for others. I’d like to see a main character just go wild with it for once. In this movie the power levels are a bit lower so it might have been harder but the magic feels like it’s only something on the side to keep the film fresh but it’s not as overpowering an element as you might expect. If the comedic/romance plot sounds good to you then you should check it out but the fact that it’s all a rebound hurts it just enough for me to not bump this to the next level.

Overall 5/10

Black Sabbath Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for another horror anthology film. You know what that usually means, lots of sadness as the anthology format ends up limiting everything. Well this time I can at least say that the anthology is pretty reasonable. It’s still nothing great but the format is used well enough. For example the first special is fairly solid but if it had been dragged out you get the feeling that it would not have been nearly as good. None of the shorts are super bad either although the second one is certainly the weakest by far. This one’s actually not in English so I got to really experience the subtitled experience here. I’ve seen my share of subbed films of course but it’s always an interesting change of pace.

The first story starts off with a lady named Rosy receiving a distressing phone call. A guy named Frank is showing up. This guy should be in prison but he recently escaped and Rosy’s testimony is what sealed the deal. Now he’s saying that he is going to destroy her and the worst part is that he can seemingly see her at every turn. How can he when she isn’t even by the windows? Her only hope is to call in her ex-friend Mary. The two have not been on speaking terms for some time now but Rosy can’t win this on her own. Will her old friend prove to be dependable?

So it’s a pretty tense story from the jump and it really does make a world of difference to have even just one more ally with you at such a time. Mary ends up stealing the show here as an interesting character. She loves her dark humor and while Rosy doesn’t really appreciate that side of her, at least Mary isn’t scared. Mary even has a large knife at the ready and is generally very sure of herself. We never find out exactly what the issue was that came up between them but hey Mary showed up. Ultimately I would have liked her to have done a little better during the short but that’s how it goes. Naturally there are some twists that show up during this short. One of them I have a little bit of a hard time buying into though. The film drops us a half hearted explanation that resorts to incredibly accurate guessing…but that’s not really satisfying. I’m not sure what you could have done without making this supernatural though.

The opening short does have some random fanservice so I wouldn’t call it super high brow entertainment though. There’s a lot to like here so I could still recommend it but the ending is a bit weak compared to the rest of the setup. I can say though that it is considerably better than most films about a scary phone call though so it does have that going for it. Check this film out even if just to see how this plot should really be handled rather than those over the top slasher films.

Then we have the second story where Vladimir stops by a house real quick after seeing a dead body. Basically it turns out that there are zombie type creatures running around known as Wurdulaks and they are incredibly dangerous. They can still move, run, and talk like normal humans but they can no longer eat and are driven by only one desire, to murder the one they love the most. It’s really a rough curse when you think about it because it’s actually using your own friendship against you. Vladimir doesn’t know how to end this curse but he ends up falling in love with one of the women there so he offers to at least take her with him and get out of there. Unfortunately she feels like she needs to stay with the rest of the family. They’re all worried that the father has been turned into one of these monsters because he’s been gone for a few days. Well he returns one day and seems a bit shady….should they destroy him or wait to see what happens?

Part of what hurts this short is how everyone makes the worst decisions possible. So it’s painfully obvious that the father has already been turned into a monster so just take him out! Now if there’s any doubt that’s fine, do some tests. Have him try to eat some food or at least put him in restraints. Instead they all just kind of stand there. The father goes to pick up the baby and they whine about it but let him take the kid. They all then go to bed as if everything was fine…..sure they have one guy as a night watchman but what were they thinking? Obviously these creatures have super strength so you’re not going to be doing much with just one guard. The whole story is really annoying because you just don’t see how this could have possibly happened. It really makes no sense the whole time. So inevitably when the body count starts rising you just know that all of the characters are to blame.

They open the door when monsters show up, constantly panic and split up, etc. Even Vladimir doesn’t look very good as he tries to leave initially but splits up of course. Then when he goes back to save the girl he doesn’t suspect that she might be turned and goes for the full body hug? Noooooo, this guy was asking for trouble. Horror characters are famous for making the wrong calls at every turn but this really has to be up there in the running for one of the worst films in that regard. The sheer frequency of all these bad decisions is completely mind boggling. Trust me you’re going to be shaking your head left and right. Throw in that the story is a bit darker as well with a dog getting shot and a kid being murdered…well this isn’t going to be winning any awards I can tell you that much.

Finally we have the last story which is a classic cautionary tale against greed. Basically it starts with an older lady named Helen being called in because an even older lady has died and so they have to get everything sorted out for the burial. Helen notices that the old lady has a really nice looking ring though and decides to take it for herself. Finders keepers and all that right? Well she puts it on and all seems fine for about 2 seconds but then she starts to hear some water tapping on the surface. No matter how many faucets she turns off it keeps up. This can be annoying but perhaps not a dealbreaker right? Well that changes once the dead lady starts appearing to reclaim her ring. If Helen isn’t careful then it will be all over for her. Can she relinquish the ring and make things all right or will she continue to double down over and over for as long as it takes?

So Helen definitely dug her own grave here. Sometimes it’s really as simple as just not stealing something. Whenever there is a film where the villain is attacking because the hero did something bad then it’s harder to have sympathy. Helen stealing from a dead person is just completely uncalled for and makes her look so bad. You simply can’t do that at any point. No amount of money is worth doing the wrong thing like that. The short definitely has a lot of fun playing with the colors here and it’s definitely a reminder that those old houses with lots of shadows are a bad matchup against a vengeful ghost trying to sneak up on you. You’re just giving it way too many hiding spots to try and get you at that point. The ending of the film is pretty satisfying with how the cycle keeps on going. Also the cops finally get involved there so you if we got a sequel it would be interesting to see how much they could deduce here. In a supernatural case it can be hard to really get any clues since they don’t really know enough from the jump but it would still be a fun premise.

Overall, This was a pretty decent horror special. Certainly wayyy better than the average horror anthology at least. There’s a good amount of intrigue here and some fun stories. The middle story definitely holds this combo back the most though and it isn’t quite up to the level of the other two. I can’t really picture re watching this one at any point but still it wasn’t bad. I would put it right in the middle. If you’re looking for some horror titles to watch then this could definitely work. At the same time, it’s not going to be the top horror title to check out or anything like that.

Overall 5/10

The Night Strangler Review

Posted on by
Reply


It’s time for the next film in the Night series. The titles are so similar I imagine it’s probably easy to mix this up with the last one and the film itself is fairly similar so I guess that tracks. It beats the first film but I still wouldn’t call it anything super solid. It’s really going through the motions here.

The film starts with Kolchak getting a job once more as a reporter and his boss is even the same. They may be in a different state but the job is the same. It’s time to crack the case on a mass murder mystery of some mysterious assailant strangling multiple women. This guy is only going after dancers which is rather odd and what’s also strange is the way he is doing it. Some of their blood is being drained. Kolchak has vampire experience but this seems like something else. Unfortunately the only way to solve this case will be to get past his boss and the cops. Can Kolchak pull this off?

I don’t know why Tony rehired Kolchak just to go through all of the usual yelling again though. I know they are kind of sort of friends but they basically spend the whole film yelling at each other. Kolchak will find some kind of evidence to which Tony will just shrug and say they can’t use it. They’ll yell and Kolchak will find more evidence but now it’s getting them too deep so Tony will say no. You just can’t win here and part of the problem here is that of course the whole thing is being covered up and Tony is basically just a lackey at this point so naturally he’s not going to do anything to try and fix that. That’s just not how he handles his business.

So naturally I don’t really care for Tony. All he does is obstruct justice the whole time so he can keep his job and by doing so he is indirectly helping the Strangler. The same has to be said for corporate and the cops here since none of them want to allow Kolchak to help. They are content to keep spinning their wheels without any progress. There was only one cop who was really solid because he actually read the reports and even caught some stuff that Kolchak missed. He was still wrong in the end but at least the guy did his research which is a big thing. So when he disagreed I couldn’t fault him for it because he made a rational argument for his side.

I’ll give the researcher Berry some props because he’s actually helpful here. It’s rare that anyone really helps Kolchak out so that was definitely appreciated. Louise also helps out in the end by acting as the bait although the plan was super risky. It could have easily gone downhill since Kolchak got delayed himself and lost her for a few minutes. The cops ironically helped by trying to sabotage him once again as it could have gotten ugly afterwards.

Kolchak may not be perfect but he’s still the best character here. He gets a new job and immediately he’s bribing people and finding out a lot of info that the others didn’t know. He does take his job very seriously and no matter how many times he is suppressed or threatened, he just keeps on going. Kolchak actually does want to save people after all and deliver the news. He also does really well in the yelling matches even if he never actually wins.

I’ll give the film credit for aggressively referencing the first film quite a number of times as well. When you’ve encountered a real life vampire I would expect that to be mentioned quite a bit. Of course the rest of the world doesn’t know this and would likely never believe it but for Kolchak that was a pretty big deal after all. He just can’t escape the supernatural as this villain is basically a real life zombie. That are some technicalities you could mention but that’s basically what is going on here.

The villain strikes every 21 years and only for 18 days. So that’s a silver lining since the victims will be reduced compared to the average serial killer but it also means there is a fine time limit to catching him. You sort of wonder what the villain does during those 21 years. I figure with his vitality restored he’s just wandering the city somewhere but it’s hard to say. Also it’s nice to see Kolchak doing some more actual fighting in this one even if he does get destroyed. He basically resorts to hiding in the second half.

Like in the first film I appreciated how we got an actual fight here with the cops all trying to take down the villain. It doesn’t go any better for them here than in the first film but it’s a nice change of pace compared to always arriving too late to do anything. If you lose a fight that at least means you made it in time for one. Even then I’m always skeptical at how they all get overpowered. Can’t any of them fight at least a little bit? Even if the guy is stronger enough people should be able to hold him down through sheer weight but they don’t use enough teamwork.

The film does have some issues of including random dancing scenes that don’t add anything to the movie though. It’s established that the villain is going after dancers so we get it, you don’t have to play the whole choreography. Also you’d think security would be up after the first murders yet this guy is still able to walk right into the dressing room and murder another one. I’d definitely be suing the shop and the state if I was the family.

Overall, The Night Strangler is reasonably entertaining. It’s not really anything more than that but that’s still enough considering the fairly short runtime. There’s a lot of murders going on but they’re not dragged out too much. I don’t really see myself rewatching this film at any point but I had a decent time. If you really like mystery titles then you should check it out but if not then you’re really not missing much. There are enough great mystery titles where you wouldn’t really need to go and check this one out unless you really need too.

Overall 5/10