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Piranha Review

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This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s that time of year again folks, it’s time for a creature feature! Now you may be thinking this should count as more of a horror film and that’s fair but these piranha really mean business and whenever they are on screen you know that things are about to get tricky. They take no prisoners and take no breaks. They just shred everyone in their way. At the end of the day it is a bit of a Jaws homage to be sure but I like how they go all in on this. I dare say it’s pretty close to Jaws in quality too but of course you know that’s not necessarily a good thing.

So the movie starts off with a pair of teenagers deciding to make a foolish mistake and that is to jump in the water near an abandoned testing site. How clean would this water be even if there weren’t piranha around? Well Maggie is called in to find them so she looks around a while and eventually comes across a guy named Paul who enjoys a quiet existence in a little cabin of his. He’s got a good gig going there and doesn’t want to be mixed up in any trouble but there isn’t really any dissuading Maggie so they check out the old government installation. They fight off a crazy guy and release all the piranha accidentally. Now these creatures are headed to a nearby town to take everyone down!

One thing that’s harder to capture in a newer film is how suddenly things happen. The heroes just wander into a crazy little hut and release a terrifying force onto humanity. There isn’t a lot of build up or foreshadowing to this. It just happens and the execution is fairly decent. The scientist could have potentially made things a little better for the world if he had tried to talk instead of immediately going to beat these characters up. C’mon this guy should have known that strategy wasn’t going to work and while it was an emergency, there were lots of ways to quickly get this across instead of the way that he did it. Ultimately this cost him his life which was a really heavy price to make for a simple mistake but that’s how things can go in these films.

Maggie is a decent heroine. She was persistent in her search for the teenagers which is admirable because I don’t think anyone would have faulted her for taking a step back after not finding any trace in the mountains instead of recruiting the old guy to help her. She really just wanted to see the job through and that’s always good. She never lost her determination throughout the film. As for Paul, he’s less of your classic hero and is just someone trying to stay out of harm’s way. He very reluctantly helped out with the search. Sure he did get going once they figured out what was happening but he just as easily would have rolled back into bed if Maggie wasn’t so insistent on his coming. Fortunately he can fight which came in handy against the scientist.

The army actually get involved later on which was nice since I always like to see them around. The only mixed thing here is the way the heroes escape just felt really cheesy. Cmon the security cannot be so weak that they basically just run out after a quick gag. The movie’s fairly serious so perhaps they thought we needed some humor thrown in but it almost feels out of place. I think they could have done a lot better with this whole plot personally. I wanted to see the army get some action even if in a way it would be hard to do when the enemies are fish. Have them fire at the water to no effect or something. They do use some poison but of course that isn’t going to do much here.

The movie does lightly touch on the classic conspiracy angle though. The government naturally doesn’t want anyone to find out what is going on here and they do a good job of covering it all up at least until that is no longer possible. They just didn’t seem very smart with how they handled it. They are trying to salvage things again by the end though so they are consistent. You have to give them some props there. Ultimately the instant you make mutated creatures that have super skills there probably isn’t much of anything that you can do but you still have to try hard. I would have had the film end with a piranha starting to grow a fist or something. Hey with mutations it should be possible right?

The effects aren’t bad but the soundtrack is on the forgettable side. The film’s best quality is its overall atmosphere but at the end of the day that’s really all that it’s got. With the Piranha murdering everyone everywhere it quickly just becomes another animal attack film. Fortunately with piranhas there is less chance of animal violence as it’s mostly just them eating people. It’s still fairly violent as it sure takes them a long time to shred people to bits though. This is not one for the faint of heart. Ultimately it is another good reason why you don’t really want to be in the ocean at all. I feel like on land you can reasonably protect yourself against most threats or feel like you have a shot but in the water there is nothing to anchor you or to really give you good ground beneath your feet so it’s all a lot more terrifying.

I wouldn’t say the movie is particularly scary to be honest but if you put yourself in that position then you can absolutely understand what the fear would be like. It’s not really my kind of film though. I would need more quality characters and a bigger role from the government for this title to really take off. I also think just by nature of the film it would be difficult for this one to be pretty good. When you have an evil animal you’re either going to see the humans destroy it or the animal destroy them and in each case it’s likely going to be a rather violent affair.

Overall, Piranha must have been quite the hit with how many films it has spawned but ultimately I would say that this is one that you can really skip on. There isn’t a whole lot of reason to watch this one when you have much better options on the horizon. Watch Godzilla vs the Sea Monster instead if you want to see what an aquatic animal can really do with full size enhancements to take on the government. Yes that’s definitely the way to do it!

Overall 2/10

Prom Night Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for another school movie where a disaster takes place. There isn’t a huge explosion this time around but there may as well have been as things get really intense here. The movie doesn’t start off on the best note, nor does it end in a great way either. This is really just your dime a dozen slasher movie going through its paces and it never tries to be anything more than that. As a result this movie just isn’t very good at all with a lot of forgettable characters.

The movie starts off with a bunch of cruel children picking on one girl until they corner her by a window where she falls through and dies. They decide not to tell anyone and run off. Years later, someone has decided to avenge the girl. Each of the children who were involved start to get threatening phone calls confirming that they will all be dying at the prom. The heroines are grown up now though and figure these are prank calls and don’t worry about it. As the bodies start piling up they have to be careful though. Can they actually stop this monster before they are obliterated?

Schools really are quite huge so it does work as a big battleground here. For example with the big prom taking place in the main lobby, the rest of the school is completely empty. That gives the murderer plenty of places to hide. It’s a location where you can buy into a cloaked figure even camping out for the whole day. You’ve got several floors each with 12+ rooms plus restrooms and such that are completely empty. Naturally some students leave to go and have affairs and such which makes them easy pickings. In that way the prom was the easiest date to pull this off for because everybody is making the job easier. They split off on their own without telling people intentionally.

Of course it’s also annoying to see them all fall for this by the same token. You just know that the characters are doomed the instant the villain appears. As always they all just don’t know how to fight at all and can’t defend themselves. The only exception to this is a guy named Slick who has a lot of self confidence. It was impressive how he just rode up in his big car and got someone to go out with him immediately although whether it’s a feather in his cap or the lady was too easy is something we can’t say. It’s as rushed a romance as you can get so I’m not exactly going to give that a high score.

Surprisingly Slick actually made this a real fight and went back and forth with the villain for quite some time though. That scene went on for way longer than I had anticipated. Yeah the ending is probably inevitable to be sure but I always prefer when someone puts up a fight rather than meekly going down. When your life is at stake you better find some adrenaline to fight back because if you lose then that’s game over. There is no retry option or anything like that even if it would be cool to have one of those.

The main heroine here is Kim and she does feel bad about what happened. It’s just like 10 years too late but I’ll take what I can get. There isn’t a whole lot to her character though. I mean in a way her character is that she isn’t nearly as desperate as the others who are all either one with the world now or have completely moved on. You just know that they’re all doomed while Kim at least has a chance of figuring things out. Well, she is the main character so that makes sense but she also just seems a lot more reasonable than the others. She feels like your average everyday character if that makes sense.

It’s not a bad thing, I’ll take being a forgettable character over being a really bad one but you can tell that this movie was more about putting the effort in to how everyone would be bumped off rather than the characters. There actually is one side bonus to this although I think it’s probably unintentional. The characters are so forgettable that when they reveal who the villain is, it takes you a minute to remember who the character is. You quickly understand from the context clues but there will be a few moments where you scratch your head and just wonder what’s going on. It all does make sense in hindsight and in a way this is the only culprit that would make sense.

The film does offer an obvious red herring from the start but the movie forgot to be subtle about this so because of that nobody falls for it. Now in a way slasher films are always going to be doomed no matter what setting they take place in but I would argue that taking place at a school puts you at an extra disadvantage by default. First you have all of the drama and poorly developed romances going on. It makes the characters look really annoying and unprepared from the jump. Then you have the fact that the teachers and principal are inevitably not going to help or do much anyway so why even include them in here? If the movie takes place on the mountains or something then at least it’s a unique environment and you have the extra tension of trying to escape from there in one piece.

It won’t solve the core issues but it’s a start. As you’d expect the film suffers from excessive violence and poor writing. There are no really likable characters as it’s really hard to forget that opening scene. I don’t care how young they were, you have to be pretty messed up to attack that little girl the way that they did. It was a really rough way to start the film and unfortunately set the tone for how the rest of the movie was going to play out. It’s really hard to recover from a moment like that.

Overall, At least the principal tried to help things out by putting the pressure on with locating another criminal on the loose. I give him credit for doing his best, he was just doomed from the start and you as the viewer knew it. Some things just can’t be easily stopped. I don’t think there is really anything you can get from this film that can’t be found in any number of other slashers. The movie doesn’t have much in the way of redeeming values as even the mystery of trying to find out who the killer is won’t interest you very much.

Overall 2/10

Heathers Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Heathers is one of those movies that comes across as rather mean spirited. It is partially comedic in nature but I would say it usually still crosses the line into being rather serious most of the time. The characters are unlikable but you still feel bad for them just because in general these can be rough ways to go out. The main character is also extremely gullible to the point where it’s hard to buy into.

So the movie starts by introducing us to Veronica who has become a part of the Heathers clique, a group of bullies who pick on everybody. Apparently Veronica used to be a good person a long time ago but she went over to the dark side and never looked back. Now she is even rude to her old friend and doesn’t have the courage to move away from the bullies. That’s when a transfer student known as JD appears and this guy may not look very tough but he can defend himself. He’s even got a gun on him. The two immediately hook up and he tells her about how he can bump off all of her enemies. She figures these will just be really intense pranks that will put the bullies in their place but gradually he starts to murder them all. Is Veronica next? How can she escape this toxic relationship before it’s too late.

So right off the bat when JD approaches Veronica about taking out the first Heather, it’s clear that he’s trying to be lethal here. She keeps mentioning how they could just put some bad tasting things in Heather’s drink but he jumps right to poison and keeps ignoring her when she tries to stop him. So when he directly murders the first Heather…that should have been it. The relationship should have been over in an instant right? No, Veronica still hangs out with JD which leads to more and more escalations like shooting two guys in the forest. This is already way past the realm of things being normal.

Reporting JD to the cops is the first thing you have to do. You can’t let him forge suicide notes and just keep going. The worst part is that Veronica always does get on board after the deed is done. Her attitude seems to be a sort of “Well it already happened so we should maximize the benefits” which is also twisted. Yeah you can’t really change the past but you can still at least begin to make things right instead of continuing to hang out with the guy. Eventually/Inevitably JD does turn on her and you just knew this was coming. With someone like JD he is always going to keep going further and further down the rabbit hole until someone stops him.

I actually did like his debut with how he took the gun out to stop the bullies. Those two weren’t going to stop so that was an effective way to get him to back off but in the back of your head you knew that it just wasn’t going to end there. The guy was going to keep on going and reaching new heights of terror. In the end he’s just psychotic all the way through and his true colors really began to show. I will say it was a bit sloppy that he didn’t notice Veronica’s trick though. It was certainly a real risky one all the way through and I just don’t see it working. All you have to do is have him reach out and the scheme fails. I’m always a little skeptical on a trick like that working but you’ll have to watch the film to see what trick she comes up with.

At the end of the day the film has a lot of problems but beyond being generally mean spirited with every character just being awful….every character is awful. It’s a strategy that backfires all the time because then you’re not actually engaged or interested in any of the characters on screen. You just get annoyed to see them when they appear because either they are about to die or pick on some innocent student in the meantime. The fact that Veronica was actively one of the bullies was just awful.

Then you have one student who is overweight so of course everyone picks on her and she even tries to commit suicide. It’s a really serious moment in a film that’s not quite as serious and while things work out for her in the end, it does mean that watching this film can be a chore. The film has a bit of a subplot where the school isn’t sure what to do to stop these “suicides” (Since they all don’t know the truth) and it starts to get crazy as the teacher almost seems to encourage it. The school was definitely messed up that’s for sure and there is almost no teacher supervision. I mean it doesn’t seem unrealistic because you hear a lot of crazy stories about school but at the same time it doesn’t make for quality entertainment.

Throw in a single likable character and we’re good. The only one who even seemed interesting was JD’s father who was also a nut. Apparently he’s a mass murderer who is rich and he and JD have some kind of roleplay going on where JD pretends to be the father while the father is the son. It’s all rather twisted but at least this guy had charisma and would have done better than most of the students. By the time you reach the final fight in this film you’re already fairly exhausted.

Overall, This movie is basically the subgenre of revenge film where all of the characters are bullies so someone decides to pick them off one by one but murdering a villain is still murder so now there is absolutely nobody to really root for. The victims are all villains here and the murderer clearly is as well. It ends up making sure that the film loses all of its bite right from the start. Yeah this is definitely a film to stay away from. There are plenty of school drama type movies to watch instead that will be many leagues better than this one.

Overall 1/10

The 39 Steps Review

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The 39 Steps is definitely an interesting movie but it is one that is held back by the main character. He’s annoying to watch the whole time and will just grate on your nerves. The guy isn’t the nicest fellow that’s for sure and leaves the worst possible first impression with the main heroine so while you expect that the romance is still coming, you are just hoping that it won’t. Just skip it….so I enjoy the story in the film and how everything is really mysterious but the film also has a lot of unnecessary moments and a weak lead that distracts from this.

The movie opens with Richard enjoying a show where a guy called Mr. Memory confirms that he knows everything. Ask him any serious question and he can get you the answer on the spot. It’s really quite impressive to be honest. Well suddenly a lady runs into Richard and asks him to take her home. He agrees but the whole thing is rather odd. She says that she is being chased by a bunch of ruffians who want to murder her and while Richard doubts this at first, she is promptly murdered. The only clue he has left is a paper she was holding with a map. He is now the primary suspect in her murder so he has to find the real villains and solve this case quickly.

So far so good. It’s a pretty interesting plot. One unique thing about the movie is also that this guy is completely out of his depth for the entirety of the movie. Yes, not just the beginning of the movie or for part of it but the whole thing. This guy really has no clue what he is up against and even we as the viewer don’t know a whole lot. This is done effectively since we’re seeing the world through the lead’s eyes. There is no time for info dumps or twists about what is going on. Yes, we get some answers by the end but not a whole lot of them. The majority of the film is Richard running around and getting himself into trouble.

For example one of the best parts there is when Richard finally makes it to his destination and meet up with a Mr. Jordan who he thinks can help him. Unfortunately this guy turns out to be one of the main villains so not only is he not going to get any help from this guy but it’s actually the reverse and he might be in trouble now. I like how Jordan plays along for a bit before just dropping the act. The film also has that retro style of talking where everyone is being super polite even when talking about how someone is going to get murdered. Jordan says Richard has to die but gives him some options and tries to be nice about the whole thing.

Then while they’re in the middle of talking he just shoots Richard out of the blue. I just like how nonchalant the whole thing was. He just shot him in the middle of the living room and walked away. Now granted, this also leads to the cheesiest part of the film which is that he didn’t check to make sure that Richard was actually dead. Cmon now that’s the first thing you have to check. It turns out that the bible he stole from a domestic abuser saved his life. Richard’s luck gets no better as he runs off to the sheriff who doesn’t believe his story at all and things continue to escalate.

So yeah Richard is doing a lot of running here which is why we don’t have time to learn much about the two factions of secret agents going at it with each other. You just need to know the key facts here which is that one side has some intel that they shouldn’t and they will get away unless the cops get involved. By the time the film is over Richard may be safe for a bit but I feel like nobody’s actually going to stop the 39 Steps because where do you even begin with that? We don’t even know how big the organization is or how many members they have. The possibilities are really endless.

If this was the extent of the film then it would all be swell but one of the weakest aspects of the film is the whole subplot with Pamela. So they first meet on a train where Richard tries to use her as a disguise when being chased by the cops. His bright idea here was to go all the way for a kiss instead of a hug or something. I was glad when she ratted him out because if a random person shows up and does that this should absolutely be your first reaction. He holds that against her though and the whole scene is just wild because it also doesn’t feel like something the hero would do. I thought that was a really weak scene.

She tries to get him into trouble for a long while after that but eventually they get handcuffed together and now she really has no escape. He forces her to pretend to be married to him and whenever she tries to yell for help he’ll just grab her by the neck so she can’t talk or threaten to shoot her. This is the hero? Now it’s not like the film is portraying him to be demented or anything and the scenes aren’t meant to be crazy but they’re not exactly played for laughs either. I think he just goes way too far in trying to scare her. He fears for his life but making her fear for hers really isn’t helping matters in the slightest. He still takes time to flirt and start a relationship as well so he needs to get his priorities straight.

The guy is all over the place and so by the end you have no sympathy for him. It’s a shame that people think he is a murderer but he’s starting to act like one anyway so that’s maybe just how this will end up going anyway. The film also has a very random pitstop near the middle where he bumps into a rather shady guy who prays a lot but seems like a phony and his poor wife who doesn’t really know what to do. Things get dicey for her after Richard leaves and it’s like…did we need to see this? Yeah it’s generally understood that this guy seems like he may get abusive and has a chip on his shoulder but it’s a bit of a dark element that has absolutely nothing to do with anything.

This film feels really unfocused which is fine for the story but it also just means that any bad elements which show up also feel like they have no real point in being here. The film would just be better off without these moments being included at all and there is no real incentive to watch this over another thriller. I’d recommend most of the other retro titles I’ve seen higher than this one. The ending is pretty clever and ties in well to the intro but ultimately this film barely breaks even. That’s quite the feat considering that with the solid writing and tone this would usually be guaranteed to be a 7 at least so you know the title definitely did something wrong.

Overall, That main character just needed to be arrested after a while and you feel worse for the heroine who gets swept up into all of this. If this ever gets a remake I think we just need to have a bigger focus on The 39 Steps and what they really do. They certainly have a lot of plans going on and operatives around the world but what is their end game really? I just want to see more of how they operate in this world while living double lives as millionaires having fun in society. Those questions are the most interesting parts of the film.

Overall 5/10

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Hansel & Gretel is definitely a very classic story that I’m sure just about everyone has heard of at one point or another. Doing a modern action film based on that premise could be a lot of fun. So on one hand they do succeed in adding a ton of action and it has a very Resident Evil/Underworld feel to it. Everyone’s wearing leather jackets and there is a lot of loud music as everyone just starts attacking. I always like the vibe but the film also decides to be quite over the top violent the whole time which ends up weakening it entirely. It’s a shame since otherwise I think this could have ended up being a whole lot of fun but instead it ends up being rather underwhelming.

The movie starts off with the origin story as Hansel and Gretel are abandoned by their father and a witch invites them to her house. For a long while she has them captured but eventually they destroy her and escape. They then decide to become witch hunters and are very good at it. They’ve slain so many over the years it’s almost like they are superhuman or something. Hansel’s one weakness is that he has magical diabetes so he has to take a shot every few hours or else he can’t move. One day they save an innocent civilian from being executed by a bunch of crazy townsfolk and prepare to stop the true enemy Muriel. The tough part about this is that she is one of the strongest witches in existence. Defeating her will not be easy by any stretch of the imagination.

It is hard to picture how the heroes lasted this long against the witches though because they just aren’t very impressive in a fight. Sure they have the gun and the crossbow not to mention that magical bolts don’t affect them directly (Strange isn’t it?) but that’s it. They still only have human level stats so you’d think the witches could overwhelm them with speed or manipulating the environment to choke them or something. They don’t end up doing any of that and every time they are defeated you have to shake your head a bit.

This gets even more drastic once Muriel steps in because she’s much stronger as I mentioned before. She moves so fast that it’s like she is teleporting and her energy blasts have a wide range to them. I get that she can’t use her mind control on the heroes but there are still so many ways to beat them. This is definitely an example of a movie where they made the difference between the heroes and villains way too drastic. You always gotta keep it at least a bit equal or the plot armor starts to show off too much. At least Muriel does make for a decently good villain though. She has a very concrete goal and takes steps to achieve it. Her plan wasn’t even bad so she put in a whole lot of work here.

Then we have Mina as the girl who was nearly executed. She gets a fairly big role in the film but ultimately ends up being very underwhelming. For the first half I actually just thought she was going to be a really powerful villain that the heroes had to worry about but as the film went on you started to realize that this might not be in the cards. She’s a character whose concept is a lot cooler than the execution. You got the feeling that she could end up being really cool but then the climax happens and that was it.

Likewise there is a white witch in the flashback who looks really bad. Basically like in Final Fantasy a white witch has healing powers while the dark witches use your classic attack spells. The problem is that the white witches are such pacifists that they literally refuse to lift up a hand to fight back even when they are being absolutely crushed. Not a good look if you ask me. There has to be a point where you are going to defend yourself because if you just let people murder you like that then I’m not going to like the character. It’s as simple as that.

Now there is a sidekick character named Ben who wants to help the main duo but he’s just annoying. For starters he lost any single shred of decency he might have had when he tries to take advantage of Gretel while she was asleep. I mean that’s case closed in one fell swoop. You just don’t come back from a blow like that, no shot! He mainly just exists to be the comic relief and doesn’t add anything to the film so you could absolutely cut him out and nothing would really change.

The heroes run into a troll named Edward later on who is nice enough. He helps out Gretel quite a bit which is always good and he means well. He may not be the smartest character out there but he knows enough to be of help when it counts. The guy has the physical strength needed to win almost any one on one fight and he seems like he would be a very loyal ally to have around so there’s no problem with him watching your back.

Then we have Hansel who is a good main character. He has quite the grudge against witches but who wouldn’t in his position right? The witch basically ruined his life and he will never be fully better again so after that it is really hard to forget such a moment. He can fight well which is the important part and is always looking out for Gretel. Likewise Gretel has Hansel’s back and they make a good team. She’s very confident and is always ready to press on in the fight. Their sibling dynamic worked well and isn’t one you see very often in the movies so that was fun. It’s why you could cut out Ben and just keep the dynamic duo banter intact.

Of course the film still has to squeeze in some romance which is why Mina steps in. This whole plot is very rushed and there just isn’t time for romance when you’re trying to take down witches. Lives are at stake and they also have to watch out for the corrupt townsfolk who are everywhere. So instead of pairing up and all of that maybe they should be focused on winning the fight ahead of them. That would have made way more sense at least and it could give them time to develop as friends instead. Yeah the romance should have been cut out.

As mentioned earlier the violence also could have been toned down a whole lot. Characters are being blown up and sliced and diced left and right. The film also goes for some downright gross imagery at different points as well like with Muriel forcing some guys to eat a bunch of bugs. Like did we really need to go there? Sure it shows how superior she is as a mage but cmon now. Then the film has to get edgy with all the townsfolk being brutes who go after Gretel at one point. The film is trying to be as extreme as possible at all moments and it works against the film.

Overall, Hansel & Gretel had some nice potential here. I liked some of the twists and the whole action angle was nice. I do think it could have ended up being a good film if it just showed some restraint. Instead it didn’t show any though and that’s what hurts the film a whole lot. There is no real replay value here and you’ll be cringing a whole lot. It’s time for another hard reboot to this series. You can still keep the witch hunter angle but the whole direction just needs to be changed. Hey, if you do that then you could have a winner on your side but in the meantime you should absolutely skip this one. At least the soundtrack is really good though.

Overall 2/10

Tarzan Review

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Tarzan is definitely a very well known Disney film from back in the day. It has a lot of adventuring and has grown to be rather iconic over the years. That being said, I’ve never been a big fan of the jungle landscape. Give me the big city anytime as it just ends up feeling a whole lot more exciting. The big buildings and everything is really what gets me pumped and Tarzan is not one of my favorite Disney leads either. Still I have to say that the animation here is exceptional and holds up very well. I dare say that most of the modern titles can’t touch this one and this came out before 2000!

The movie starts with Tarzan’s parents being obliterated so he is adopted by a gorilla known as Kala. He grows up with her family and the tribe and becomes quite talented. His English isn’t great as he is used to talking with the animals but it all works out reasonably well either way. One day a group of humans show up to study the gorillas but the chieftain Kerchak warns Tarzan to stay away from them. Humans are often awful creatures who destroy everything in their path after all so associating with them would not be a good idea. Tarzan can’t help himself though. Will his infatuation with Jane cause destruction to all those he knows and holds dear?

Tarzan had a tough time fitting in with the other Gorillas throughout the movie so that’s part of why he looked forward to spending time with some other humans. They were people he could really understand and hang out with after all so it really did make a lot of sense. That said, it is still a shame since he had finally gotten the reluctant respect of Kerchak and people didn’t mess with him anymore. Putting his family in danger was just not good and ultimately Kerchak is the one who has to pay a heavy price for it. He should have just said his hellos to the humans without selling out the rest.

As I always say you can risk your life if you want to but the instant you put other people in danger is when you have officially gone too far. You just can’t be doing things like that, it’s not a good idea. Even if there wasn’t a villain like Clayton in the mix, the risk itself is the problem and you can’t rely on hindsight to fix that. He has to hold the L here. I did like Tarzan more once he was really able to talk in English with the others. He actually learned a lot quicker than I expected since I’m used to him still being in the trying to adapt phase. I guess that may just be a popular part of his character since in the film he changed rather quickly.

Tarzan can also fight so that’s always handy. He’s not someone that the villains can take for granted. He does lose quickly on the boat but he was outnumbered so I will cut him a little bit of slack there. Meanwhile Jane is a good main heroine. She may panic a lot at first but ultimately she does help out and gets used to the current situation going on. Her father Porter is trying his best as well and doesn’t have any malicious intentions with meeting the Gorillas. Porter and Jane really just want to learn more about them and of course there’s nothing wrong with that. They just needed to be careful who else they brought along with them on the trip.

Clayton does make for a very imposing villain though. The guy is quite good at his job. He may be an antagonist but he’s not slacking in any areas as he is able to climb trees almost as well as Tarzan. Their fight in the climax is really intense because this guy is crazy strong, almost inhumanely so. If he lasted longer he would have made for a powerful recurring villain but either way he is not someone that you will be forgetting anytime soon. No shot of that, the film really shows why this guy is such a threat.

As mentioned earlier, the animation here is fantastic and they use a lot of strong lighting to really make Clayton appear as imposing and intimidating as possible. It’s part of why he leaves such a lasting impression whenever he is on screen. Even simple tasks like climbing vines are more fun in this movie because of the sharp animation. There is just so much energy to every action and it’s why I miss when we had such top quality animation like this. I think if this style had kept up then America would even be able to contend with anime right now on a consistent basis.

The supporting characters are a bit on the weaker side for me. You have Tantor who is an elephant who learns from Tarzan’s example and ends up finding himself a home in the gorilla tribe. He is someone who comes through for Tarzan even when the others don’t so I give him points there. He’s just not super entertaining. Then you have Terk who may be one of Tarzan’s best friends but she’s not super loyal. She turns her back on Tarzan at one point and then early on was quick to dismiss him while hanging out with the bullies. Both of those scenes started her off on the wrong foot for me.

Kala did well the whole time in bringing Tarzan into the tribe and integrating him into the mix. She defended him for years and then when he was old enough to defend himself she was still there as a good supporting character. Kerchak was more on the stubborn side since he really didn’t see Tarzan as being quite tough enough to fit in and felt he would always be an outsider. I’ll give him some credit for at least giving Tarzan his due respect once the hero took out the tiger who had been attacking them and defended the tribe against Clayton. I mean the latter was his fault but at least he tried to remedy his mistakes.

There are some songs here but none that I would say would end up going down as all time classics. They don’t seem very nostalgic to me compared to other songs that I’ve heard in the past so it at least feels like they weren’t super huge. They could be fast paced but weren’t big game changers for me either. The animation stands out as more impressive than the ost here. It helped to redeem what could have otherwise been a very boring jungle backdrop.

Now because of all the animals running around here and the jungle there is some animal violence going on. There are at least two main deaths here which was unfortunate. Neither one is particularly cruel or drawn out but I would have much preferred a clean win for the hero and then the animal either runs off or turns good. It was just unfortunate that it had to go this way. Particularly the heroic animal’s death because it just makes Tarzan’s mistake feel a lot more irredeemable because of the heavy price paid for it. At the very least he will need to work really hard to try and mount a comeback after that because this isn’t something that’s super easy to come back from.

Overall, Tarzan does feel like a grand movie because the budget for it was so high. They did a good job of making it as sleek and intense as possible. At the end of the day there are just parts of the premise that will always make it hard to be very good though. With the origin out of the way I could see the sequel being a lot better. The romance was rather weak so I’m not sure I’m ready for much more of the Tarzan and Jane pairing but otherwise you could probably have a fun adventure coming up. I’d put this around the middle. It’s not a film I would look forward to checking out again but the animation keeps it from dragging out and the fights are intense. Check it out if you do enjoy the Jungle setting.

Overall 5/10

Shadow of a Woman Review

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This film is definitely more annoying than it is suspenseful. Mainly a film like this revolves around the lead being completely incapable of taking any definitive actions in order to keep going. That just means that the plot is really weak if you ask me. The movie has quality writing and there’s a lot going on but the story just doesn’t hold up because any reasonable character would have done some things way differently and that would have been the end of it. Over half of this film would have just been thrown out the window and you could even argue that 99% of it would end if the main character didn’t just jump into things at the start.

So this film starts with Brooke deciding to marry a guy named Eric that she barely knows. She knows that he’s a doctor but that’s about it. She allows herself to get swept up in the moment and marries him but why all the rush? That in itself should have been a red flag and then things only continue to get worse. First off, he’s not quite as well off financially as he had led her to believe. Someone tries to murder him by crushing him with a boulder initially and then someone else shoots at him later on. In each instance he tells Brooke that she’s imagining things or that it was someone hunting buffalo and she just takes this. What should have been the last straw is that he then says they have to live at his family’s place even though she has a perfectly acceptable home that they could have been in. Now she is an unwanted guest here and the tensions continue to rise. Is there something shady about this Eric fella?

The amount of suspension you have to put your belief through here is absolutely crazy. Why is Brooke willing to sacrifice so much of her life for someone that she barely knows? It just doesn’t make any sense whatsoever and that’s my main problem here. He continues to stack the deck against her and gets upset at her awful quick but Brooke just doesn’t put the pieces together. I’m not sure which moment is more drastic, Eric being shot at or his insisting they live at a place where nobody likes her. Either one should have been enough for her to keep her distance or at least stay in her home and insist he goes to her. Instead Brooke keeps trying to stick with it.

Now if they were married for ages and things had been going great then I could appreciate the loyalty here but instead it just feels like she is letting him walk all over her with no real resistance. Instead of being admirable it just makes her look weak if you ask me. Especially when his excuses are so weak. He spends the whole film constantly telling her that she’s crazy and seeing things and she just accepts this. It isn’t until the very end of the film where she starts to stick up for herself and by then it’s very nearly too late. So yeah I didn’t like Brooke. She may not be an antagonist the way that Eric is but she makes the job way too easy on him the whole time. If she had done just about anything then things wouldn’t have turned out the way that they did.

For example one thing Eric is doing here is starving a child as he hopes that the kid will die off and then he can claim the insurance money. I feel like you have to call the cops or child custody services immediately but Brooke sits on her hands for a while here and just doesn’t do anything. I suppose she feeds him her breakfast once but that’s more of a passive resistance. I want to see her actually doing something bold. She finds out he had another wife, that he’s using her to win a court case, etc. The twists and bad news just keeps coming in over and over again and she still doesn’t do much. Eric even tells her to stop seeing her doctor friend since he’s the only doctor she could ever need. Ah man.

Yeah this was an annoying one and it gets more annoying the more I think about it. Eric isn’t even a mastermind or anything because this plan should never have worked. The fact that it got this far is more of a strike against Brooke than it is a complement to his strength. His family is also afraid of him to the point where they keep his secrets and act as antagonists. I mean they even drug Brooke although the heroine forgives them rather quickly. They were just so spineless that they also end up being really bad characters here. They let Eric manipulate them for quite a long while and that’s another problem. Everyone just lets him do what he wants and they make the worst decisions possible.

One client of Eric’s seems to start to realize that he’s a scammer but she only works things out halfway. So she accuses him of all kinds of stuff and says she will wreck his career…but then she gets drunk and asks him to take her home. Lets just say she didn’t survive this ordeal and the whole thing makes you roll your eyes. How can you threaten someone and then trust him with your life? Throughout the film Eric actually bumps off quite a few characters and it’s not like he’s a super tough fighter or anything. Everyone just comes across as massive suckers the whole time so there’s not a whole lot that he needs to do.

Apparently it is well known that he is a scammer too but unfortunately there are enough people who don’t realize this that makes it tricky. There are always more people for him to trick after all and that’s always unfortunate. He gets away with a whole lot for a very long period of time and nobody could touch him. At least with the court case eventually the lawyer was going to defeat him but it was just taking way too long. I still think a quick call to the cops would have saved a great deal of time. The lawyer also got really lucky that Brooke talks a lot. Yes by the end there was a conscious effort to help him out but for part of the film Brooke was wrecking Eric’s plans accidentally with her outbursts which wasn’t as cool as it could have been. I wanted to see her as an intentional saboteur, not someone accidentally stumbling into success.

Overall, This film can be rather suspenseful but the characters really hold it back. It doesn’t come across as a very smartly written film and is instead one where everything just happens to turn out well for the villain because nobody can think ahead. If they actually made the right decisions then Eric wouldn’t have gotten nearly as far as he did. Ultimately you have to be able to stick up for yourself when the going gets tough and you also have to trust yourself. If someone tells you that you’re crazy then you have to believe your mind over that person. Things could have been so different here if Brooke was just a tough character. It’s not a bad movie but I would recommend most other suspense type films over this one. You’ll just be rolling your eyes too hard half the time at all the mistakes that are being made and it goes without saying that the romance is quite weak as well.

Overall 5/10

5 Against the House Review

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It’s time for an old school heist film with one character cracking real quick. I always enjoy a good heist film but I do think it’s more fun when the whole group is in on it. Since in this film the heist is basically a blackmail situation where they don’t even want to go through with it, it isn’t quite as fun as it would have otherwise been. Ultimately it’s still a good film but I probably would have played things out in a different direction. You feel like someone also should have stepped up to stop this madness right away.

The movie starts off as a slice of life title with 4 guys just enjoying their time at school. They haze a poor freshman the whole time so these aren’t the nicest of folks. I wouldn’t say any of the hazing is all that drastic but if they were more like true upstanding citizens then I don’t think they would have done that at all. It’s not something you would expect a hero to do after all. I liked that the kid actually got one victory against them with a sliding prank but it was short lived since naturally they used their power to overturn the results. You gotta try right?

Well the main plot is about how the gang always likes to go to the local casino to do some gambling. It’s the most well known gambling arena on the planet and is supposed to be even more secure than Fort Knox. Robbing the place is said to be impossible but Ronnie thinks that they can pull this off. He gets Roy and Brick to agree real quick but Al will be difficult since he doesn’t believe in robbery. Now Ronnie does plan to give the money back, the plan is to test if robbing the place is possible, not to actually steal the money but Al wouldn’t go for it either way. When Al proposes to Kay Ronnie realizes that this is perfect since they will drive him for a while and then get him to unknowingly help. What he doesn’t account for is that Brick has been slowly going insane and does want this robbery to go well. Not to test it but to actually steal the funds. Can they stop him?

Unlike most heist films I wouldn’t even say that the heist is most of the film. Before we get into any of that we have the school adventures and then the romance drama with Al and Kay. I don’t think that romance was very good either. At first Kay suggests that they take a break from each other which is a massive red flag but then after that when Al threatens to run off she goes back to him and they get engaged. I dunno that doesn’t seem like the best foundation for a long term relationship right? Things very nearly went sideways after all. Al gets upset a little too quickly and Kay doesn’t seem very confident in her decision so all in all that is not a great mix.

At least Al is against the robbery which is good. Way I see it, even if you don’t intend to steal the money this is just a horrible thing to do. You’re going to traumatize at least one person when you hold him at gun point and you are committing a big crime. Saying that it was all a prank afterwards doesn’t make things better in the slightest. So ultimately this just shows even more how unbalanced the characters are to even think about going through with a plan like this. It’s simply not a good idea in the slightest. Since Ronnie thought of this first he is one of the main characters to blame.

I know he was proud of his plan and how it could work. The film even heavily suggests that it really would work since everything goes pretty smoothly for them aside from the infighting. That said, just because you can do something doesn’t mean that you should do it. Roy is more of a follower and just goes along with what everyone says. He loses points for not being independent enough to say that this is a bad idea and maybe they shouldn’t go through with it. Sometimes you have to drag your friends back to the straight and narrow path.

Then we have Brick who was going insane right from the start when he was quick to beat someone up. Apparently he had severe PTSD which has really messed him up over time. Well now he’s really crossed the line by taking out a gun and threatening everyone. I would say by this point he was too far gone because that’s not something you can really take back. He was absolutely willing to murder anyone who stood in his way. If things had gone even slightly different then he could have easily become a mass murderer in the blink of an eye. It’s pretty crazy to think about. The scenes where he betrays the rest of the guys definitely comes across as real personal, especially with how Al had always had his back before then.

So the heist is pretty intense but just not fun the way that it usually is. In a way they come across as just common burglars rather than quirky thieves. The gun is a big part of this as well. In titles like Ocean’s Eleven and Tower Heist mainly you get the money by tricking people and using social engineering. When you’re doing the classic “I got a gun so give me the money!” it’s just a very different vibe. It also wouldn’t work nearly as well in the present with all the cameras around but of course back in the day it was always going to be a lot easier to pull this off. You’re rooting for the casino to stop these mad men the whole time. They’ve beaten all of the would be thieves before so they just need to pull off one more win!

Overall, The main moral of this is to always be careful who you associate with. If someone suggests committing a crime for fun then odds are that they are a little more detached from reality than they may appear. It’s a very slippery slope when you start committing crimes like this because usually things will start escalating further and further just like it happened in this film. Even if Brick didn’t go crazy and they did a victimless crime, they would probably want to do another one and another one until they eventually got to that point. The only way to win the game is not to play. The heroes also could have ended this a lot sooner by tackling Brick once they were inside. Yes it was a huge risk either way with their reputations but the sooner you take him down the sooner it all ends. The writing is good and the pacing is good so you should enjoy this as a solid cautionary tale. It may not be as upbeat as you’d expect from the first half of the film but it works well enough.

Overall 6/10

Too Late for Tears Review

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The poster for this film definitely seems really misleading even if it is an event that does happen in the movie. This is a fun Noir film that takes a bit of a twist on the usual order of things. There are a lot of moving pieces in this film and the story is on point. You really can’t trust anyone here and the overall moral is definitely not to play with fire. Even if you figure you won’t get burned it will catch up to you eventually so you have to do the right thing without delay. if you delay for too long then that will be game over in an instant.

The movie introduces us to Jane and Alan who are a married couple that are decently happy. They were driving to a party but Jane didn’t want to go at the last second so as they turn around someone throws a case filled with a lot of money in it into their car. Now they’re rich and Jane can have the high end lifestyle that she’s always wanted. There is just one problem though, Alan doesn’t think this is a good idea. He’s against it since it’s not their money and figures that it’s like stealing and threatens to turn it over to the cops. Jane knows that he needs this money though and she will obliterate anyone who stands in her way…even if that ends up being Alan himself! Additionally a guy named Danny shows up and claims the money was for him so she better hand it over or else. She will have to stay really tough in the pocket if she is going to survive this.

One thing you have to say for Jane is that she is definitely quite tough. No matter what threats are sent her way she keeps on going. She is very confident and determined in herself. Nobody is about to intimidate her while she has something to say about it. In fact the various characters are all surprised at just how ruthless she can be and she begins to let the illusion of her being a nice person fade more and more as time goes on. Even Danny who is a hardened criminal begins to fear her to an extent. Sure he could physically stop her but she is just so ruthless that if he lets his guard down for an instant then she will take him down.

Initially you figure that the money may have had her go off the deep end but as the film goes on we begin to see more and more how she has always been like this. We even learn a bit more about her past which adds to this. Jane just wants to be rich no matter what to the point where she figures it is basically her destiny. Sure she sometimes has some doubts about this but never for very long as she gets back to scheming. It was just very interesting to have the main heroine be the main villain like this and it worked out really well. Anytime she plays for sympathy or tries to start a romance you realize it’s just all part of the act as she manipulates everyone.

Now I could do without even the false pretense of a romance because she doesn’t need that in order to win here. She is plenty strong enough regardless and has enough wits about her to keep on winning on her terms. I guess this helps to confuse poor Danny erven more but you have to remember the whole time that there isn’t much sympathy to be had for him. The guy is still a crook even if he isn’t quite able to keep up with her for very long. He starts talking tough about how murder is too much for him and he wants out but at the end of the day I still wouldn’t put it past him. I think he was really just uncomfortable because he was usually in the driver’s seat and not the sidekick so it was a real change of pace for him.

I’d even say some of his scenes are even played for laughs as a result. The guy just seems so out of his depth that it can be really funny at times even when he does have his share of dangerous moments. The guy just goes out like a chump so at the end of the day that’s the only thing you’re going to remember about him. It’s always how a character ends that’s important after all. Alan also looks really bad here because he’s so oblivious the whole time. Jane wasn’t exactly subtle with how much she wanted the money and yet Alan didn’t connect the dots until it was way too late. Ultimately that meant he was absolutely doomed here but he just felt like a chump. Like when he asks Jane out on a date and she gives the most emotionless response you can imagine.

Kathy was at least reasonable for the most part although she was well out of her depth against Jane. Jane was able to manipulate her as well as the other characters even though it took more effort on her part. Kathy at least suspected some things with how heavy handed Jane was in discrediting Alan’s memory but Kathy should have done more. Ultimately she steps back and lets Don do all of the work. Things wouldn’t have really changed if it was just Kathy even if she was getting a little closer to solving the puzzle. I don’t think she would have learned enough quickly enough to make a difference.

Don was a fun character. He shows up rather randomly but is really suspicious the whole time so he is like a wild card thrown into the deck. He does a good job of immediately seeing through Jane’s flirting as well and doesn’t fold the way Danny did. Don is the kind of guy you want to be doing research on your behalf since you know he’ll be thorough. Granted even he was on the back foot here compared to Jane but nobody could really keep up with her. Ultimately only self inflicted errors were enough for the other characters to start keeping up. Otherwise they would have been pretty much doomed.

I’ve already talked about Jane quite a bit so suffice to say she is a fun villain. I liked just how clever and crafty she was. It’s been a while since I’ve seen a mastermind quite like this. The writing is on point and the film has quick pacing throughout. Just when you think Jane may finally be hesitating she pulls off another crazy stunt. Ultimately money is the most important thing to her and it’s been a little while since I saw a villain whose only motivation was money like this. The movie will also have a good amount of replay value as a result.

Overall, Too Late for Tears is a very appropriate title for this movie. There is definitely no more time left as Jane made her decision and has to stick through it. From early on in the movie there is just no time to look back. She would have really made for a good detective if she ever had the passion for that. In the end it probably wouldn’t pay enough to really meet her needs though. Maybe being an investment banker or something like that would have been more up her alley.

Overall 7/10

Kiss the Blood Off My Hands Review

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Time for another ride down Noir lane. This is one of those films where it is hard to root for the main characters from the start because the romance seems ill advised and the main guy never seems to learn his lesson. So things continue to escalate more and more but with nobody there to stop this destructive path. It makes for a pretty fun watch but you are hoping that the main character would have either gotten better as the movie went on or the heroine would have ditched him. That would have been the best outcome here.

The movie starts off with Bill getting really drunk at a bar and he doesn’t want to leave when it’s closing time so he murders the owner. He hides from the cops by breaking into the apartment of a lady named Jane and keeping her prisoner there. It’s a pretty scary situation for her but she manages to stay strong and the next day heads out to live her life but Bill returns. He confesses his instant love for her and wants her to be with him now. She thinks this is crazy but at the same time starts to like him back. She wants to believe him that what happened was a one time event so they go out but his violent outbursts won’t stop. Can they ever live a normal life together?

Talk about sabotaging yourself. Bill has been through a lot but right here he could have finally had the normal life that he had been waiting for. All he had to do was stop attacking people and getting into trouble. The worst part is that the next offense isn’t because someone was instigating him or anything like that. He just wanted to cheat one guy out of money so he did the classic trick of losing once on purpose and was aiming to win the next round. Unfortunately that just wasn’t going to happen because this guy was wise to those tricks so Bill literally attacks him to rob the guy. Note that he is doing all of this in front of Jane so it’s not like he can talk his way out of this one. She saw the whole thing with a front row seat.

Then he even goes as far as to attack a cop and finally gets thrown in prison for a while. After all of that you could even say that he got off easy to be honest because he is still let out before too long. The most annoying thing is that Jane is still there and waiting. It sort of feels like she has Stockholm syndrome at this point. Keep in mind that their first meeting was basically Bill kidnapping her within her own home and that should have been a traumatic moment, not a cause for starting a romance or anything like that. It just feels like she keeps going back to him over and over again when he doesn’t seem like he will ever be changing.

His fighting skills do come in handy when he has to beat up a bunch of ruffians who are trying to stir up trouble. That was a good moment for him without a doubt even if ultimately the blackmail was going to get back to him at some point and he shouldn’t have agreed to the deal in the first place. That’s the trouble with doing something wrong, once the blackmail comes into play it has you keep on doubling down over and over again which only makes things worse. The best thing to do is to not do anything worthy of blackmail in the first lace and then you’d be just fine.

So I didn’t end up liking Bill at all but I also can’t say that I liked Jane very much either. She just put up with too much and was too soft on Bill the whole time. If she had just cut him off earlier that would have made way more sense. There just isn’t a logical reason for her to fall for him at this stage because he really hadn’t given her any reason to do so. He was just causing her a ton of problems instead and even to the end that is basically the case like when the mobster Harry went after her instead of him to cause some trouble.

In case it’s not obvious, it’s good that she took that guy down and I’d say should have even finished the job. It’s a grim reality but if you stab someone and they don’t die then allowing them to live is all kinds of risky. They might have their mobster friends come at you next, you might get sued on some kind of insane loophole, etc. He came at her with the intent to hurt her beyond repair and basically go beyond murder so all bets are off at that point. She has to just finish the job quickly and in that way it’s not like he’s bleeding to death either so it’s a quick loss. It’s also yet another traumatic memory that she has to live with now.

As for Harry, I thought he was an interesting villain for a while there. He talks tough and has a very memorable accent that really goes a long way. He even plays the long game in terms of using the blackmail to his advantage. My main issue here was ultimately that they throw this all out the window to just make him your average creep in the end. Why did they have to reduce him to this? Whenever you have a villain just decide to assault the heroine like this it makes them more two dimensional than paper and also loses any chance they had of being an even slightly decent character. There’s no coming back from that and it also made him a poor villain so that was really unfortunate.

The film balances being annoying at times with being a quality film. Ultimately I would easily say that the movie’s strengths outweigh the annoyance factor and I don’t think it’s close. I really did have a good time with this film and it’s got a fairly original plot. I don’t think I’ve seen too many films about the heroine trying to redeem the main guy and it works out well even if you wish she would just give up. I think it would have been even better if they could have had Bill show some more progress throughout the film on a gradual level instead of constantly escalating. Like the whole scene of him trying to rob the card player should not have happened because that was the most egregious moment in the film. Take that out and he would at least appear to be wayyyyy more civilized and acting like a reasonable person.

Overall, I would recommend checking this film out. It may not stand out among some of the other Noir films over the years and I could see myself forgetting parts of it in time but ultimately it still is a pretty good film. You don’t always have to be great in order to have a good experience and I would say that is the case with this film. It’s just consistently good the whole time with a solid story and so I can safely recommend this to anyone. The fight scenes were also fun and I did think it was impressive how Bill took on around 4 opponents at once. I guarantee that not just anyone could pull that off.

Overall 7/10