Category Archives: 3 Star Movies

A Quiet Place: Day One Review

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That tagline is ripped right out of the Wolverine tie-in game for Gamecube. I can’t believe it. “Stay low. Stay quiet. Stay alive!” Still one of the more memorable superhero lines since I had to hear it over and over and over and over again since I died so many times on that level. It was definitely not a game for the faint of heart. Unfortunately that tagline is tough to follow for the main characters of this film who panic continually and can’t stop yelling. I didn’t like the main characters much at all and the whole film feels like a bit of a waste of time. They didn’t bother answering any of the important questions about what happened when the aliens first landed which defeats the purpose of a prequel.

The film starts off by introducing us to Sam who has cancer and it seems to be pretty far along as she doesn’t know how much longer she has to live. She is taken care of at a hospice along with a lot of others and one day the nurse Reuben says he is taking everyone to see a show. Sam gets lured in by the promise of pizza but once they’re there, the plans are changed as the government has declared a state of emergency. Giant monsters are showing up and eating everybody. Sam decides she will get her pizza anyway but along the way she bumps into a guy called Eric who is super annoying the whole time. Can she shake him and get her pizza or is it too late?

No offense to the characters or anything but who asked for this? We wanted a prequel to explain how the government possibly lost to a race of aliens that are extremely primitive and have numerous weaknesses? You can drown them, burn them, overwhelm them with sound….they’re not even bullet proof. So I was hoping this prequel would answer that. It could focus on the army the whole time as we learn some uncomfortable truths about how they were helping the aliens or something. No…once again we’re following some humans who are outmatched and outgunned here.

I mean the main heroine is dying of cancer, obviously she isn’t going to be able to fight these monsters. It’s just a really strange choice and I can tell you now that the film doesn’t bother even trying to tell you how we lost to these things. It’s just taken as a fact and you really have to stretch your disbelief here. Ah well maybe we’ll get a spinoff to the prequel one of these days that focuses on the army. That would be a good idea I’d say.

Okay so for Sam, she’s not a terrible main character or anything. She doesn’t have the best attitude but she’s in a pretty sucky situation as it is since cancer is rough. So I can cut her a bit of slack even if I think she still doesn’t handle the situations very well. Yelling through the rain is just not a good tactical decision and can get you in a whole lot of trouble right out of the gate. Also her final decision was not a good one. Yes, it’s always tempting to end things quickly with a decisive move like that but you have to try and survive for as long as possible. You can’t just give up no matter how rough it looks.

As for Eric, I have less patience for this guy. For starters, he keeps on following Sam around everywhere even when she doesn’t want to be followed and in a world like this it puts her in direct danger. He needed to mind his own business and stay away. That would have been the only smart thing to do here. Then when he is around he’s bumping into stuff and also yelling a lot. She now had to take care of someone in addition to her cat which isn’t easy. If he could fight that would help but he’s mainly here to hold her back.

I will give the film kudos for not bumping off the cat. That would have been terrible so the film at least managed to avoid doing that. Would have really blown the film’s score up. Even without that, the film has a lot of problems though. A good portion of this feels like a complete retread to the first film. It’s not really doing anything exciting or different with the premise. It’s just the characters hiding around trying not to make noise like last time. Sure, to an extent that is going to be the case due to the nature of the monsters but at the same time there has to be some way to differentiate it at least a little bit. Otherwise what is really the point of all these adventures.

That’s part of why it feels like a waste. It’s just everybody getting murdered by the monsters and since it’s a prequel you can’t even say that they’re making progress or learning any new information. Instead we actually know less than we did the last time since these characters have no way to have learned anything about these beasts. We do get quick cameos and guest star roles from future characters that will be showing up like the guy from the second movie so at least that’s neat.

The film could stand to tone down the violence somewhat. Seeing the monsters ripping up the humans and devouring them the whole time gets old pretty quick. Maybe if the humans could fight back more it could be better but as it stands it is just one more thing against the film. I also think that the film could benefit from having the characters talking more. It’s something they can’t do because of the plot though so the movie sort of starts to trap itself here. It’s hard to keep your interest when everything is so silent the whole time. It ends up making the film drag on which is not the effect that you want to have.

You also have to really stretch your disbelief every time the heroes are running away from the monsters. Seriously this happens over and over again where they start running and the monsters don’t catch up immediately. This should be a really quick catch for the monsters based on how fast they run. Almost every scene feels like plot armor so you’ll start shaking your head very quickly here. It ultimately just doesn’t add up at all.

Overall, A Quiet Place isn’t treading any new ground here. You may as well watch the first one again and I hope that they find some way to change up the formula in the next title. There is just so much more that you should be able to do with this series. Lets start humanity’s comeback or something. Or if we get another film in the past, it needs to be about the government. I need to understand what happened to cripple the planet so badly because the current responses leave a lot to be desired.

Overall 3/10

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice Review

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I was never the biggest fan of Beetlejuice admittedly. It relies a bit too much on shocking humor and gross visuals. That said, it definitely beats the sequel which tried going a little too far into this direction. It had some good humor but for every fun joke, there was another cringe one thrown in. Definitely not the kind of movie that typically uses a whole lot of restraint. They even managed to squeeze in animal violence which I was completely not expecting.

The movie starts off with Lydia hosting her big spooky show where she helps people who need to see ghosts. Her daughter Astrid thinks it’s all fake and wants no part of this so the two have really fallen apart. They are forced back together though when Delia’s husband dies tragically out at sea and she wants everyone at the funeral. Lydia’s manager Rory figures this is his chance to marry her and Lydia has almost no free will of her own so she basically just says yeah. In the supernatural world Betelgeuse is making his move though as he is being chased by his ex-wife Delores and so now’s a good time to marry Lydia again.

He has spent years trying to get her attention and slowly she is starting to see visions of him in the real world. The boundary between life and death has never been weaker. Meanwhile Astrid meets an emotionless hack named Jeremy who is really eager to have a relationship and Astrid is lonely herself so she figures she may as well but she will have to try and keep her composure. Mustn’t show too much emotion herself. There’s definitely a lot going on here.

So right away one of the big issues here is how ugly everyone is in the spirit world. I know that’s part of the point with how you move to the next stage of existence with whatever injuries you died with but even so, this just felt like a bit much. You have people with live fish still eating them, a skeleton that’s constantly gushing out blood and a janitor that is pretty much mid vomit. You’re constantly waiting for the real world to return because every scene in the spirit world is just plain gross. It may be the film’s main gimmick but it definitely could have held back a decent amount here. You basically want to look away whenever they are in this world.

Then for no reason two chickens get eaten and there is quite a lot of violence everywhere. Putting in animals in any context had no purpose being here to be honest. It just doesn’t make any kind of sense so that was annoying. In the real world the characters may have always made the wrong decisions and so they weren’t easy to root for but at least nothing too crazy was happening on screen. Although lets dive into the characters now because they didn’t help the film much either.

First up is Delia who feels like a waste of a character. She’s just way too over the top the whole time with how far into the supernatural bubble she’s fallen into. Her scenes were rarely funny because of how exaggerated they were. then you have Jeremy who is annoying from the jump. It’s obvious that he is trying too hard to be the perfect match for Astrid and the fact that she is buying this at all is what will also have you shaking your head. Astrid is supposed to be the smart one except for when she’s not.

Although while Astrid makes her share of mistakes she could be worse. Lydia is 100X worse and her character has been thoroughly assassinated since the first film. She is so crushed by life that she is willing to let herself get married to Rory just because he asked her. She doesn’t actually love him but is going to go through with it anyway? That’s just terrible and no reasonable main character would ever do that. It’s a massive L against her character and throughout the movie she is being manipulated so easily. It’s easy to see why the family fell apart.

The film doesn’t give us much reason to even feel bad for her either. Since it’s part comedy, it’s not like Rory is even being subtle here. Lydia didn’t trust her feelings and that’s always going to lead you to disaster. As for Rory, well he’s your average villain. He does his job pretty well and considering that his plan would have succeeded if not for Betelgeuse I can’t even say it was a bad plan. It felt like a bad plan but it was working.

As for Betelgeuse, well he’s about as crazy as ever. He fears nothing and treats every part of life like it’s a joke. I suppose to him it is all just a big grand joke though so that makes sense. With his reality warping abilities he can defeat anyone as needed and only loses when he feels like it. It does make the film feel a bit aimless though since everyone is at the mercy of his whims. This even undercuts the main villain of the film.

Delores is the main villain here and she has the ability to suck the life out of someone. Honestly I think that plot point is the only reason why she was even added in the first place. At no point is she even a threat to Betelgeuse and the way she goes out is very lackluster. The film seemed to want to include some tension but couldn’t figure out a way to weaken Betelgeuse and so they just gave up halfway.

There is a lot going on throughout the movie and that’s a good thing I suppose but just about none of the plots have a satisfying conclusion. Everything is just jumbled together and none of the characters are interesting enough to hold their own. The only really fun character was the actor because I like over the top villains like him. That said, it’s not like the guy even did much. Then as far as the comedy is concerned, one of the only really good gags was when Betelgeuse took on Jeremy near the end. Beyond that, there were way more misses than hits this time around.

Overall, Beetlejuice couldn’t really manage to have a solid second film. This film comes across more distasteful than the first one and the film didn’t have enough of a focus. You don’t really get the whole plot of Betelgeuse wanting to marry Lydia because if he was serious about it then they would be married already. The fact that he even caused her to have a kid as a gag is crazy. I know you can just say it’s a comedy over and over again but there still needs to be some kind of a real plot to hold it together. I don’t see how the series can continue without Betelgeuse facing off against an actual threat. Or maybe just write him out, he was gone for large portions of this film anyway. Although…the film wasn’t much better for it so maybe I shouldn’t hold out much hope here.

Overall 3/10

The Painted Hills Review

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It’s time for another Lassie film and of course you know that means that the movie won’t be particularly good. Lassie movies tend to fall into the same holes time and time again. You want them to be good but deep down you just know that they won’t be. It’s unfortunate but that’s just how it goes. This one is another particularly weak installment and the whole time you’re waiting for Lassie to show up.

The film opens up with Jonathan and his dog Shep travelling through the mountains and finding a gold vein. They might be rich now! They head back to town to let Martha and her kid Tommy know but unfortunately a guy named Lin hears about it. Lin has always been a decent guy and he convinces Jonathan not to put a claim in just yet so they can make sure of what they’ve got first. Jonathan unfortunately listens to the guy and they head back up. Lin gets crazier and crazier about the gold until he finally murders Jonathan and decides to take it all for himself. He even poisons Shep and tries to bump him off. Will the guy face justice or is it all over for the heroes?

Obviously it’s sad for Jonathan but my main problem with the guy is that the whole thing is so obvious and predictable. How did he not suspect that Lin would do this? Lin was not hiding his greed at all. Not even for a microsecond was the guy staying sane after he saw the gold. He was quick to attack anybody and so Jonathan should have taken care of him sooner. Instead Jonathan talked about the rules of the mountain and how there was an honor code. A lot of good an honor code does you once you’re dead!

He had the foresight to give the kid Tommy the claim so that the government could get involved but still went up the mountain with Lin upon his request? That’s just not a smart move at all and it makes sense that he would be pushed. I’ll be less harsh with the dog Shep for eating the poison but to be honest even he should have known better. Lin is not someone who can be trusted and Shep knows pretty well that Lin is the one who bumped off his owner. This calls for drastic action, not simply going along with all of this. Shep does well in the end but it took a while to take care of Lin.

Tommy also didn’t look particularly good here. He knows for a fact that Lin bumped Jonathan off and tries to escape only to hit his head really hard and get gaslit into basically staying silent and not saying anything for a while. Tommy handled the situation as poorly as possible and it was all pretty disgraceful. I expected much better from the kid but he disappointed me in the end. I know he’s just a kid but we’re talking life or death here, you can’t be letting yourself go down so easily. At the very least he could have said that Lin was trying to murder him and beating him in a more convincing way.

Even punch yourself real quick if that’s what it takes and leave a bruise or something. The other adults were slow to believe him which is annoying but makes sense with Tommy shooting himself in the foot the whole time. As for Lin, well he definitely didn’t cover his tracks well so he shouldn’t have even lasted as long as he did. He’s just lucky that things kept on working out for him but the film can’t say it was so lucky. At the end of the day we had to go through more animal violence here as Lassie is poisoned and shot at.

The dogs always have a really rough time of it and while some of the other Lassie films have been more violent, this one’s still going too far. No reason Shep should have to go through all of this and the film as a whole isn’t super interesting. I’ve seen better films about people being corrupted due to the gold. In this case I wouldn’t even say it is corrupted though as the guy seemed shady from the start. The gold was just his excuse to get really crazy about the whole thing.

The first red flag should have been the whole reason not to put in a claim. He talks about how other people would go to the mountains to dig and ignore the law anyway. Sure that might happen but at least you’ve got the law on your side and by the time other people discover the spot you should have gotten most of the gold anyway. It didn’t feel like a real argument although Jonathan believed it so I suppose there had to be something to it.

The guy was just too trusting. Even with how casual he was about another guy walking over and helping himself to things within the house. Apparently on the mountains it is a tradition where this one guy will show up to cook a good meal and then leave. While Lin’s response was off the rails crazy, I would be a bit weirded out as well if someone was just randomly in my house. Back in the days of everybody carrying guns, I could see this being fatal real quickly as well. You don’t know what’s going on and only have half a second to react after all.

Overall, The Painted Hills is a film I would definitely avoid. None of the characters are smart at all and fall for the easiest traps. Once you are on a horse there’s no way a villain should catch you and yet Tommy manages to find a way. Lin should have been taken out way sooner and needs all the plot armor in the world to stay on top. Not a very good look for him at all. There’s also the whole irony of Lassie not even being in the film since Shep is a descendent. A very odd choice without a doubt. I don’t think the film would have been good either way but it doesn’t help matters.

Overall 3/10

A Visit to Santa Review

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So blurry!!! That’s what you’ll be thinking right away but even 4K visuals would not have been able to save this short film. All films should have some kind of point. Even if we’re talking 10 minutes, there should be some reason that you want to watch the product right? I mean if there isn’t, why would you be watching this at all right? Unfortunately it didn’t seem like this movie actually knew what it wanted to do at all and that’s absolutely disgraceful.

The film starts with two kids whining about Santa. The parents quickly get them off to bed so they can get out of there but Santa learns that the kids want to see him thanks to their message. So he has his elf bring them in and the kids get to see all about how Santa’s workshop works. It’s an intense experience but someone forgot to tell the kids that as they are visibly bored the whole time and want to go home. Here we have Santa being a nice guy and showing them things that almost nobody has seen before and they are bored??? It was such a mean thing for these kids to do.

I’m not saying they had to be yelling up and down but these are rather fantastic events. They are moving at high speeds and seeing such big secrets. At least a bunch of “thank you” responses and general excitement would be good. Unfortunately while I say this would be big for the kids, it’s not so entertaining for the adults though. The effects haven’t aged extremely well at the end of the day and even the costumes are really weak. They could learn something or two from how we have the Macy’s Santa costumes lined up.

Like I said earlier, it’s also hard to find any point to this. What lesson is the film teaching us? How do they want the audience to react and feel? It’s all just aimed so low that anyone over the age of 2 will be bored and anyone under that age will just fall asleep. This film isn’t effectively targeting anyone and so in the end it will just blend in with the background. That is definitely not a good thing at all. It’s only around 10 minutes or so, so at least it doesn’t drag on for as long as it would have otherwise.

Still, there isn’t really much to defend about the film at all. In fact I would say there is a lot to attack instead. Giving us a quick antagonist would have been good even if it was the parents. Like maybe they tracked the kids down and are looking for them so Santa says they will have to move quickly or something like that. At least then you will have a sense of urgency that could push the whole thing forward. Perhaps I am asking for too much but that would have been a nice way to make it all more exciting if you ask me.

Overall, A Visit to Santa is definitely a film to stay away from. It doesn’t do anything particularly bad or offensive but the problem is that it doesn’t really do anything period. I wanted something to excite me but this film just didn’t pull that off. At the end of the day it’s one of those film that has lost its way. I can see why it has been lost to time since nobody would have cared enough about it to preserve this piece of history. It’s best left in your memories so for that reason I would say to give it the boot. Watch Jingle All The Way instead.

Overall 3/10

I Am the Pretty Thing That Lives in the House Review

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It’s time for one of those spooky ghost films. The main problem this movie has though is that it’s not quite as scary as it thinks it is. For the most part you’re just thinking that Lily is not handling the situation well. For the most part when you’re in a spooky situation you need to make sure that you are scarier than what is coming. If you’re someone who generally gets scared easy then make sure you don’t put yourself in tricky situations.

The movie starts with Lily moving into a new house to take care of an aging author. This author was a famous murder mystery writer for a very long time. She is unfortunately nearing the end of her life and so Lily works as a stay in nurse who can provide 24/7 care. It’s an extremely difficult job particularly as there is no real end point to it. Lily will continue to provide assistance for as long as she can until the author has passed. The problem? Lily is super scared of ghost stories, mysteries, or anything dark. It’s so bad that she cannot even read a book about dark things or watch any movies. The house is starting to feel rather dark with the stench of death and a mysterious mold is growing as well. Is this the end of Lily’s story?

Right off the bat it does feel like Lily is absolutely in the wrong profession here. For starters, death can be scary for most and so Lily not being able to tackle scary things puts her in a really tough spot. Additionally, you have to factor in some items to prepare yourself for the long stay. Lily can’t go outside and leave the author alone for even a moment which means she is always inside the house. You should have dozens of books and whatever other items you can think of to pass the time by. Lets say Lily has to be here for 1 full year. Without anything to do it would be easy to get stir crazy.

I imagine you could probably just do a lot of exercise and sit ups to pass the time by but not having anything on hand was a big mistake. Lily has her friends that she can call over the phone but that doesn’t buy a whole lot of time. Of course there is also the TV but it is broken half the time which doesn’t help. So the longer Lily is there, the more she starts hearing things and scaring herself even more. It doesn’t help that she already seemed a little off right from the start. So everything really started piling up more and more here.

Lily is just not a very interesting main character and she’s also not a very strong one. She starts panicking rather quickly after going through far less than most horror main characters. I would say that is a very bad look for her. The way she goes out is also pretty bad, super underwhelming. It’s the kind of finish that you very rarely see for a main character and for good reason. You’re left shaking your head at all of this.

What I will give the movie is that it can be good on not explaining too much. We do get a lot of the general answers involving the ghost but for the little things they are up to your imagination. Did the plants just talk or was Lily crazy? (I say she’s crazy) Did the ghost actively want to murder Lily (Yeah) and if so…why? It’s not like Lily is really to blame for any of this. The origin story is sad to be sure but continuing the cycle by adding Lily in doesn’t seem like it would do much for the dead.

For the most part the film isn’t very violent. I’d say the one exception is part of the flashbacks for one of the characters. It’s all over rather quickly but it is a brutal end. Otherwise this is definitely more of a tame horror about the unseen threats and the mind games that are going on. We do get some interesting jumps between the present and the past later on which makes for an intriguing ending. The idea of wanting to stick around as a ghost seems absurd to me but I suppose everyone has their own ideas so in that sense it’s not crazy that some ghosts want to be spooks forever.

The movie does try to hammer in the title several times. The first time I actually thought it was unintentionally funny. That may sound like a diss at the lead but I feel like the film intentionally framed her in a super unattractive way to contrast the title. When she was referring to herself as the pretty thing I sorta had to do a double take. Like did she just say that? Well, the line comes up several more times throughout the film and while it can be a little repetitive, I know it’s all for the themes and everything. I probably couldn’t tell you the exact point of that though.

Overall, This film is not really my style. It’s another slow burn and this might be one of the slowest burns of them all. Even at the end there is no big climax or anything. Lily can’t fight after all and the cast is extremely small. Lily being so scared and everything felt like a very forced plot point that didn’t really have any reason to be here. I think it would be a lot more effective to have a strong character like the lead in 1408 who is slowly broken down by all of the hauntings. That would make a lot more sense. In the end, this one’s definitely a skip. It needed more jump scares and a more interesting main character. That would have really allowed it to cross the finish line.

Overall 3/10

Gretel & Hansel Review

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It’s time for one of those slow boil films. Sometimes those work out really well and other times you feel like they forgot to really have a finisher. Unfortunately this one veers to the latter. I think there were some decent ideas here but ultimately it is heavily limited by the colors, landscapes, and general decorum of the film. There’s not a whole lot of fun things to look at and when you’re stuck in a bleak environment for too long you start to get a little bored. This film needed to lean a bit harder into the horror or have the character be better fighters I’d say.

The movie starts with Gretel being offered a job but unfortunately it is quickly apparent that her boss would be a creep and so she declines. Her mother is so upset that she throws Gretel and her little brother Hansel out of the house. She forbids them from returning or she will murder them. So the duo run and run but the forest is much too vast and they are nearly destroyed before being saved by someone. This guy basically tells them to stay strong and do their best. He recommends a nearby house that might be helpful. They head over and it is run by a witch named Holda who seems reasonable. Perhaps this will all work out….but something just doesn’t feel right.

The movie’s mainly focusing on the “doesn’t feel right” angle which is where the pacing really starts to die out a bit. As a viewer you know immediately that Holda is evil so you’re ready to get on with it but instead the main characters have to just play their roles for a while. Gretel continues to learn witchcraft from Holda without making any big moves for a while. This can be just very dragged out at times. I was even glad to have a dream sequence after a while to break things up. Holda’s younger form is definitely a lot more intense even if the twist about the food is quite a bit gross.

Holda actually looks like a threat here compared to in the present where she looks so old. We also do get a very brief action scene near the end of the film which looked pretty good. Generally speaking I tend to enjoy blue flames quite a bit even if the classic red ones look more impressive. More of the film should have had cool spells and fire attacks like that. This would have really made things more impressive and would have been a credit to the film if you ask me.

I also did like the very ending of the film as Hansel heads off for his destiny while Gretel continues to work on her own abilities. It feels like the ending to an action film with the characters each deciding to get stronger. That’s actually pretty interesting but you can’t just save that for the ending. The movie should have definitely made some waves earlier than that to really make a difference.

Hansel is pretty young so I won’t be too hard on him but for the most part he’s just a bit annoying and not really very helpful. Gretel does a better job of things as she is basically sacrificing herself the whole time to protect Hansel and buy time for a plan. It would have been nice if she could have put up more resistance directly but I know that would be ultra risky.

The film was at its best before the characters made it to the haunted house. I liked the run-in with the random stranger who was giving advice. Part of why the scene worked so well is because we know absolutely nothing about the guy. He just shows up out of nowhere and you don’t even know how much you can trust him. Like everything else in the forest, there are no easy explanations. I would have taken the whole film in the forest over the house. The film knew how to have a good mystery and that’s why going to the house was a mistake because then it changed more into an escape kind of film.

It also goes back to the backgrounds like I mentioned earlier. The house is rather dreary and the witch is just very old and doesn’t feel much like a threat. It’s not the most engaging backdrop for a film like this and there is no real variety. Everything is very old timey including the food so that doesn’t even look very appealing either. There is nothing to visually catch your attention and since the plot is already intentionally moving slow, that won’t change things up either. What that means is that you’re effectively caught up in a cycle with no real way out.

This film needed some explosions or something. It may not have fit in with the film’s tone but it’s just one idea there. If anything, the backstory we learn through flashbacks may have been more interesting. You had the little girl with powers who was quite sadistic and then the witch trying to turn the tables. There were some good twists in there and it was an interesting origin. That whole part, while brief was more interesting than the main plot which means something definitely went wrong.

Overall, Gretel and Hansel set up a very interesting outside world and squandered all of it to go inside the cabin. It may be what people expected since that’s how the old fable goes but the film just didn’t land on the execution. It had a good mystery vibe at times and solid lore but that was not enough to carry the film. At the end of the day it committed one of the big errors a film could make which is that it was boring. For most of the run you just don’t really care what happens. They probably should have aged the kids up a bit or chosen a different setting. Change this to a full action thriller instead and at least we would have some good action scenes. In the meantime I would definitely say to give this one a skip.

Overall 3/10

From Beyond The Grave Review

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Uh oh it’s anthology time! That means we’re gonna be in for some terrible stories but hopefully some good ones to end up balancing things out. It can really end up being a close fight all the way through with this kind of title. Ultimately it loses the fight but I appreciate the end of the film having a little fun with the concept. It made for a better ending than most horror titles if I’m being 100% with you guys.

The story starts by showing us a shady store filled with antiques. The owner is an old man who can seem rather oblivious at times, but you shouldn’t let your guard down around him. In each story, someone shows up to the store to buy an antique while someone hangs around outside and never seems to want to go in as long as anyone else is in there. It’s a rather troubling situation for the guy but why does he want to go in so badly? The antiques in the store are extremely good quality but the prices are a tad high so the customers are always tempted to rip the owner off. That may be a bad idea though….

In the first story a guy decides to buy a mirror from the store. He haggles the owner into letting him buy it for cheap and figures it’ll look good at home. Unfortunately his friends want to do one of those creepy seance rituals and he agrees because for some reason people have no self preservation skills in these things. He wakes up the ghost of the mirror who has decided to go on a murder spree. This spirit craves blood and violence and so he commands the sap to go around murdering people. The main character has no real agency of his own and so he does this until the monster throws the chump into the mirror to repeat the cycle. It’s definitely the worst story so it’s an interesting way to start the anthology off. In a way maybe it’s actually good to lead off with the weakest and get better as you go on though.

Still, there is no shortage of issues with this one. For starters, the main guy crumbled way too easily. He doesn’t even consider breaking the mirror or just telling the spirit no. The spirit is probably commanding him because presumably it doesn’t have enough strength to do the job personally. In fact, that’s the whole point, that it needs blood to power up. So just resist him and break the mirror. This should be easy! Instead the whole special is just really annoying and you’ll be rolling your eyes the whole time. It’s rather dark with so many people being knifed and it takes a lot of blows for each victim to go down so it ends up being dragged out quite a bit. The fact that people just walk over to his apartment is crazy.

He does target the vulnerable for the most part but even then it is extremely not a good idea to go over to someone’s home when you don’t know them at all. This was basically like an old school slasher, all violence and no substance. Fortunately like I said, this is the weakest one so things do start to look a little better going forward. Huge emphasis on the little better part though because this next one is also brutal.

We follow a guy who is down on his luck. He married a girl who doesn’t respect him and his kid is also constantly picking fights and being super annoying. Not a very good combination at all and one day he decides to rob a blind man who was selling cigarettes. The guy seems to think highly of our main character though and so the lead lies about being a decorated military person. He goes to the antique’s shop and even steals a medal. Things are looking up and the blind man even has a daughter who seems to be attracted to the lead. His ego has now been restored and so he heads to the house to quickly begin cheating on his wife and succumbing to all of his worldly desires.

Naturally there is a cost to this, which is that the daughter is quite possessive and wants to murder his wife now. She is rather creepy and has every red flag in the book but the lead is quite used to this since he himself is one massive red flag. So he gives the okay and the cycle of violence continues, but what he doesn’t realize is that it will inevitably fall back to him eventually. You really don’t feel bad for him. Yeah his family was mean to him but the fact that he jumped right to stealing and cheating shows that he had no real moral compass of his own. He hasn’t really done much to be proud of and so perhaps there are things we haven’t seen to further explain why nobody gives him any respect. Either way it’s definitely a rather twisted story about bad deeds coming full circle with each other. It’s another rather violent segment as well so get ready for the brutal deaths here.

In the third special, a guy decides to switch the prices in the antiques shop to save money and mess over the owner. Feeling proud of himself, he heads back home but now there is a demon on his shoulder that is causing all kinds of trouble like even going off to try and murder his wife. He needs the help of a super expensive/shifty psychic but can she really deal with the problem? I’d say the biggest problem with this special is really just that it drags on a bit. The monster is invisible so most of the action can’t really be seen and the ritual for getting rid of the creature is a bit on the silly side. You’re just waiting for the characters to get with the program the whole time. I will say that the ending is probably the most effective out of the 4. It was definitely pretty sudden and yeah maybe a bit depressing but it worked. It definitely cleared the first two specials and reminds you why you should not steal. Your crimes will come back to you.

I think making the monster visible would have been a lot more interesting. Maybe like only the main guy could see it or something. That may have been tough on the special effects but it would have worked a lot better. Or make it visible to us but not to the characters, now that could be rather spooky as well. But completely invisible? Ehhhhh I don’t think that’s really the way to go at all.

Finally we have a story where a guy decides to buy a whole door from the antique shop. The door is pricey and the antique owner leaves the cash register open so it is tempting to take back the money. We don’t see the guy’s choice initially as he heads home. The problem is that the door is set to Narnia settings so opening it takes you to a whole new world. In that world, there is a powerful ghost who is trying to get out and he even make a move to kidnap the guy’s wife. He must now fight the ghost but is he mentally prepared to face such a powerful fighter? This special had some actual action which was pretty fun. The guy didn’t play the matchup very well but he wasn’t really given much prep time. I at least give him credit for jumping in and attacking instead of cowering or anything like that. Now that would have been rough.

This one had a good ending as well which shows the theme of the movie. If you resist temptation and don’t mess with the owner then you are okay. I do think the first one is a stretch though since the guy didn’t steal anything. Sure, he did some hard bartering and lowered the price but to me that’s not in the same category as the others. At most you could call it deceptive but he didn’t outright rob the guy. Still, good on the final main character for resisting the urge to save a buck. He did the right thing in the end.

Overall, As I mentioned, the ending beyond the 4 stories was really solid. Definitely good stuff all around and it’s definitely how you want to finish off a movie like this one. Unfortunately, the movie was still no good either way. Just too violent all the way around as it didn’t really hold back and most of the stories weren’t all that good. This is a horror title that I would not be able to recommend in the end. You’d be better off just watching some of the classic Gamera films instead. Anthologies continue to be more of a miss but ideally people will perfect the formula in the future at some point. It’s our only chance to save the genre.

Overall 3/10

It Follows Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It Follows is one of those films that was going to have a lot of trouble right out of the jump because of its own premise. I’m sure you could pull it off in a tasteful way but what movie is gonna do that? The worst part is that the premise itself would actually be really solid if you changed one key plot point from the the story into something else. That would be an immediate jump but it was not to be.

The film starts off with a girl running around for a while before giving up and letting some kind of monster destroy her. We cut to the main character Jay who is living her ordinary school life. Things have been going well with her boyfriend Hugh and so she decides to allow things to go to the next stage. Unfortunately it was not a good idea, Hugh lets her know that by doing the deed with him, she is now going to be pursued by a supernatural monster. It can’t be stopped and it can’t be destroyed. All you can do is keep running away from it for all eternity…or pass the curse onto someone else. He runs off and when the cops get involved it turns out that “Hugh” was a fake name so it’ll be difficult to find him. Unfortunately the curse is very real so now Jay has a tough choice to make. Run or corrupt someone?

So you see where the premise is going to be annoying here. It’s a pretty obvious allegory and you get what they’re going for but if you picked any other method for transferring then this would be so much better. I like the idea of something that is pursuing you and will never stop. There’s a famous hypothetical about this of a snail chasing you across the world. One touch and you’re dead but in exchange you get 1 million a year. I think it sounds like a good bet because of how slow it is. In this movie that is the case as well, the creature is slow. It continues shapeshifting into different humans but can only move with the speed of a normal walk. I suppose it can jump far but that’s only once it is in range.

The main reason it is dangerous is because the main characters are teens and can’t afford to just be hiring an Uber all the time. That’s not the way this would play out. Also, everyone is naturally going to think you’re crazy for why you can’t just sleep at home and everything. I like that the rules aren’t super convenient for the villain either. Normal people can interact with the spirits, they just can’t see them. So what that means is you can have normal people try to beat them up. If you think of a good enough plan you can maybe prove its existence to the government although that plan is admittedly super high risk so I wouldn’t recommend it.

The monster also looks like just a normal person so you can’t really tell that it is the hunter until you notice that nobody else can see it. There’s also the fact that it is walking towards you but of course there are lots of reasons for normal people to walk towards you as well. Again, lots of interesting things to talk about with the premise itself and you could make a really good horror/thriller out of it. The movie doesn’t really make the best use of this story though.

So of course most of the characters are super annoying. Even after Jay has just been super traumatized after being drugged and betrayed by her boyfriend, you have at least 2 guys who are fairly eager to have fun with her as well. Yeah there’s the guise of doing it to help her out with the curse but admittedly I didn’t really buy that. Either way it’s not a great move for her to do this since that’s just dooming someone else. It’s also a rebound by definition since she would still be with Hugh if he hadn’t betrayed her. Even with the whole life or death thing going on, you just can’t move on that fast. The only heroine thing to do once you’ve obtained the curse is to either find a way to destroy the monster or to escape it forever. Passing it on is not a good idea.

We know the monster can be temporarily destroyed like when she shot it a bunch of times. The respawn takes a while so you could also try to have some kind of a trap and just keep murdering it every few hours once you get the timing down. With enough time there are plenty of things you can set up to get the monster. It has super strength but otherwise doesn’t have nearly the range of crazy powers that other horror monsters tend to have. So at least it does avoid my usual issue of the monster being completely unbeatable.

As a small aside, the characters are definitely way too kind and sympathetic to “Hugh” once they track him down. They all sit down and have a nice chat instead of immediately trying to beat him up and murder the guy. Why would you act nice to someone who has just doomed your friend to oblivion? The whole scene was annoying, get the info out of him and then beat the guy up or something. He’s clearly not a good guy and is definitely selfish to the max.

Another thing to note with the curse is that it seems like previous owners of the curse can still see the monsters. So in theory in some of the shadier parts of town you might have a whole community that can see them since the infection would spread quickly. That would make it even easier to stop the monster since it generally only cares about the next in line. So then you could still have like 20 people throwing stuff and firing guns or something. Anything would be better than the pool plan that they tried in the film. That whole sequence made me shake my head. Especially the main guy using the gun because he seemed to be terrible at following the action and understanding where the monster was. I thought it was pretty clear from how many objects he was tossing. Also, how do you start aiming at someone else? The monster is invisible so it’s hard to see how you would even come close to hitting one of the friends since she would be in clear view.

The characters did not really handle the monster particularly well but hey I suppose they are teens so you’re supposed to cut them some slack. It’s why you need to age the characters up quite a bit to make the film a lot more intense. Lets see the monster handle the grown ups trying to fight it out. Yeah the monster is strong but perhaps martial arts would be able to take it down. Ultimately there are a lot of question marks here which is fun because it makes the monster mysterious. Hopefully the next film just executes better on what is a fairly interesting premise.

Overall, It Follows had an interesting plot but really couldn’t make the most of it. You’d need a fresh set of characters for sure and also switch the method for obtaining the curse. Tone down all of the teen angst, loveless romance, and lets focus on how spooky it is to have monsters after you like this. I’d also like to get the government involved eventually because that would really add a whole lot to the story. It would really upgrade things for the better. In the meantime, I would say to avoid this film for now. There will be a better title with this plot eventually.

Overall 3/10

I See You Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a big horror title guaranteed to chill you to the bone. At least, until the film makes the decision to basically replay the first half of the movie again and while you understand the idea for doing so…it definitely obliterates the film’s pacing up until that point. The movie is never able to regain its footing again after that.

The film starts off with a kid being kidnapped as the string of missing persons continues to grow. It’s hard to say who is behind this and so Greg is put on the case. Greg is good at finding the answers to the various mysteries in front of him but this time he is rather distracted because of some family issues going on. His wife Jackie cheated on him and so there is a lot of tension in the house and their son Connor resents her for it. Jackie just wants them to move on already but they’re not having it. Will their family drama be the issue that prevents the kidnapper from being caught?

First up, I think we have to recognize that being cheated on is not something that you just move past. It does make Jackie’s attempts feel a bit hollow here because that’s something you can never really take back. The family is ruined at that point, splitting up is really the only recourse and you hope someday to be forgiven but it’ll likely never happen. You’re just too far gone at that point. I don’t think she really does any favors for herself in hiding who the guy was either or talking about it more. It’s a bit relative since I don’t think there’s much she could have done to help the situation but it also creates a lot of ammo that can be used against her. As a result, she is ready to hide crimes as need be.

Then you have Connor who is definitely unlikable the whole time as well. He spends his whole screentime venting but it’s not like he’s coming up with any solutions or helping out. It’s fine not to get along with her anymore, but then he should just stay quiet and keep to himself. Making scenes the whole time and lashing out does him no favors. Ultimately he also handled a video game situation very badly I gotta say. I’m not expecting him to turn around or something but when you’re messaging with someone anonymously online, you never want to show that they’ve gotten the best of you. He needed to keep his cool and bluff or something. Instead he walked into every single response like an online rookie.

As for Greg, well he’s mostly handling the situation by just being super quiet at home. it’s a reasonable approach so no problems there and he is working pretty hard on the case without getting too distracted. He probably should have mentioned he was sending over a repairman to fix the window but for the most part he didn’t make any big mistakes there. Not a whole lot more to say about him in the first half here.

So you’ve got your basic plot here and you may be wondering, where’s the supernatural angle? Well I’m not sure exactly how much that angle is played up in the trailers and promotions but when watching the film that’s never really in your mind much. When the first kid is abducted you see him launched out of his bike as if by a ghost, but as this film plays itself up more as a crime thriller you’ll probably guess right away what the actual method was. You’re bound to have seen it in at least a few cases.

There are a few attempts at jump scares and such but yeah this one you could think of as more of a realistic horror the whole time about kidnapping. In some ways people would say that’s scarier anyway but I tend to be more partial to demons and such. That said, perhaps the twist is supernatural, I won’t spoil that for you. I had a lot of issues with the first half anyway like the characters being annoying and such but the second half is really where the film loses me.

We get to watch the first half all over again, but in first person view as we’re introduced to the missing pieces of the puzzle. Think of it like a mystery movie where the detective is explaining stuff, only this time you are seeing the whole thing in “real” time. It’s incredibly boring is my biggest issue. Like I said, you can piece together things pretty quickly but the film feels like it needs to smack you in the face with all the details. I think we could have just kept about 20 minutes of the reveal and cut out a ton of the fluff. You don’t need to see the true cause of every single mystery as you can infer a bunch of them as soon as the main reveal happens. If the movie had done that then it would have been good.

Part of the problem is also that the twist introduces some new characters to the film and none of them are likable. Two of these are professional criminals who engage in “Harmless” crimes but as you know, most of those tend to cause actual harm eventually. One of them is at least cautious and tries not to cause too much trouble beyond spreading germs and dirt everywhere, but isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. She is easily manipulated and has no survival sense at all. You need to keep in mind that if you are ever kidnapped and somehow manage to escape your kidnapper’s den in the middle of a forest out in nowhere’s land, the last thing you want to do is start yelling into your phone for the cops to pick you up.

Why? First up, the kidnappers are more likely to hear you and track you down well before the cops show up. Additionally, if there are any wild animals you’re likely to get eaten. The cops will be able to trace your cell phone if you have enough service for a call so just keep the line open. If you feel properly secluded you can whisper into the phone and try to give them directions but you have no idea where you’re at so that’s not going to help much either. Secondly, if you see a trailer car nearby with the doors unlocked and the lights on…don’t go in there. After all, that may have been where the kidnapper was taking you anyway. The odds of it being some innocent soul who is unrelated to the incident is close to 0.

Maybe there are other kidnapped people in there and you want to play the hero? Well that’s your best argument, but it’s still a weak one. Even if you manage to untie one or two of them, they’ll likely be too malnourished and beaten to aid you in a fight. So the kidnapper will still beat you and then eventually murder everyone. Your top priority is still to escape and get some backup. If you have to, just pick a direction and start running. If you’re lucky you’ll eventually make it to someone who can help but your survival odds greatly increase anyway.

Meanwhile the guy with the camera is another annoying character. He causes a ton of trouble the whole time and appears to be completely immature and even starting to fall into the darkness. He very quickly goes down the villainous path and while he is not the ultimate antagonist, I would still say he is a villain as well. The guy has a rough backstory and all but it’s not one that excuses his final actions. He’s a big reason why the second half of the film is super annoying to get through.

I will give the film this though, the ending is pretty solid. It unironically pulls off the popular Naruto meme where he starts to talk about his childhood and the villain cuts him off. Something similar happens here and it was great. Look, if you’re confronted with a mass murderer who has been causing a bunch of trouble, the last thing you care about is his backstory. I really couldn’t care less if I was in that situation and I’d just take him out too. You don’t see it very often in movies since they want to let the villain give his backstory for the narrative and all but this is way more satisfying. Not the kind of thing that can save a film but at least it ended on a high note.

I also liked the mask that the main villain uses. It’s definitely pretty spooky while also being original. It can be a little rarer to see a hit new design nowadays so that was definitely welcome. It’s probably one of the only times when the film is having a bit of fun since the whole thing is rather bleak and dark. The backstories are dark, the kidnappings are all super dark, etc. The fact that this has been going on for so long without anybody finding anything out is also really gruesome. With the previous victims not even being able to be very helpful, it shows just how far gone they were. Again I’d say it’s definitely more tragic thriller than horror as a result.

Overall, I See You is a film that had some really ambitious ideas but they didn’t really work out. The characters needed to be way more likable to pull this off. There also has to be a better way of adapting the second half without it all feeling so old and repetitive. Maybe somehow keep cutting between the two plots and hide that they are connected until later on. It would be difficult but definitely more entertaining. I definitely have a hard time believing some parts of the film like with the timeline and nobody noticing certain things though. The film did go to great lengths to make the case on why people would be particularly not alert but I still wasn’t having it. It had some unexpected twists and was ambitious but either way I would say this one is more of a skip.

Overall 3/10

Death Warrant Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for one of those films where the main character has to get himself arrested on purpose and you know I always think that kind of plan is terrible from the jump. The odds of you being murdered are extremely high and it feels like dozens of things have to go perfectly in order for you to even stand a chance. This film ultimately has to have a lot of plot armor for the hero to make it through and the journey isn’t all that good.

So the main character is Louis, one of those guys who doesn’t mind breaking protocol to save the day. He managed to take down the Sandman after shooting him many times and his next mission is even deadlier. He has to get arrested into one of the most secure prisons on the planet and find out why so many people keep dying. Nobody within the prison will know that Louis is actually a detective and Amanda will be the only liaison acting as his wife the whole time. Will Louis be able to crack this case before the corrupt cops bump him off?

So in a nutshell the big problem here is that it’s patently obvious that things are corrupt within the base. The cops beat up the prisoners before you’ve even been in the jail for 5 minutes. There is a whole criminal underworld going on within the jail and different sets of government. Louis may not have the ringleader but at that point he should probably get out fast. He does stay to find out exactly what’s going on like with blood transfers and stuff but it all feels like an extra risk. He realistically could have been dead within 5 minutes if he hesitates at all when someone stuck some glass near his throat.

No matter how good of a fighter you have, all it takes is one good stab with a knife or a lucky hit and you’re dead. Factor in that you will probably be outnumbered and then things get even worse. It’s also annoying to be seeing Louis just getting beat up the whole time without being able to fight back. That’s definitely another really bad prison trope. After all if he fights back then they might just murder him but in the meantime that means they have free license to just pound the stuffing out of him all day. Not a great look.

Amanda doesn’t fare any better either as they take advantage of their position with her as well like during the strip search. Definitely a rather unnecessary showcasing of how corrupt the prison is since we already got so many scenes to it. This was just superfluous by this point. The film isn’t even that long but you feel the length because there’s not really a whole lot to the film beyond the prison. Most of it is just showing how crazy it is and this is where the convenience factor comes in. Surely Louis won’t have much freedom to explore or do anything here right?

Well, one of the villains tells him where to find a witness who works the night shift. So lo and behold, Louis heads over to the guy at night to ask him some questions. Need more intel? Louis heads down to the basement on another night to ask around. You’d think this prison didn’t have any kind of bodyguards or security at all. There’s never any good reason for how everybody can just leave their cells when they please. Maybe the locks are just awful and he breaks out but you’d think someone would notice.

Then in scenes where they need money like when Amanda smuggled some inside of a book, it’s hard to see how nobody would really notice that. I feel like books would be checked super thoroughly, especially in a prison like this. I’m also skeptical about the warden letting such an underground exist when he is so proud of his power. The more you think about the movie, the more these things don’t really add up. If anything they just create more and more problems for you to think about.

Towards the end of the film the prison gets serious and they start bumping people off but it definitely took them way too long. Then near the end we finally get the return of the Sandman and his role also doesn’t make a ton of sense. Within minutes he’s basically taken over the prison as its leader. I know he’s strong but that’s just way too quick of a turnaround time. I appreciate that the film actually went all out with making him superhuman level though. He can take multiple bullets and different shots that would destroy an ordinary person and he makes it look easy. Each time he comes back from the grave like that you are definitely left shocked.

It does mean that the climax is a little on the over the top violent side with how Louis has to really take him out. In general the film can definitely be violent although you wouldn’t expect much else from a film with this premise. It’s not for the faint of heart. The writing is okay at best but definitely not one of those films where you could list it as a strength. In terms of characters, they’re okay but nothing special. Amanda was okay, I feel like she was effectively powerless in most situations but that’s not really her fault so much as the position she was put in the whole time.

Louis defended himself well as needed and was a reasonable guy. The Sandman’s one of those super insane villains who doesn’t have much else beyond his being insane. The most annoying character was a hacker who was introduced to help Amanda break into some files though. He has a crush on her and the whole plot has nothing to do with anything. Amanda just looked rather careless in those moments and the hacker was way too desperate. Seemed like an attempt to throw some comedy in to keep things bright but we could have done without that in general.

Overall, Death Warrant is definitely one of those films that keeps things tense and throws the hero into a tough situation but the whole premise falls apart rather quickly. This tends to always be the case with prison break films though because there should be virtually no way for a hero to step in there and do much of anything. The whole system is built to stop him after all and often times your individual smarts and skills won’t mean anything there. It’s just too restrictive of an environment. Ultimately I can’t say that I’d recommend this one, it’s just not all that fun and lacks enough interesting factors to keep you engaged.

Overall 3/10