Category Archives: Live Action Movies

The Black Castle Review

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It’s time for another old film so I’m sure you know what that means right? This one’s another stinker, but at least it doesn’t even try to be all that good so that’s a start. The film is fairly short and so it doesn’t really drag on, but at the same time, you wonder when the characters will stop making bad decisions. They walk into one trap after another and don’t really think anything through. At the very least, they remind you that rich parties typically aren’t that fun. All you do is get drunk and run around a lot.

Two of Ronald’s friends were mysteriously murdered a while back. Ronald suspects that the Baron (Bruno) assassinated them because his group had exposed Bruno’s mortality to a tribe which ran him out. Ronald wants to prove that Bruno did this so he decides to pay the guy a visit. Bruno never met Ronald in person so Ronald still has the element of surprise. He makes it to the castle under a false guise just in time for a large party that is being held. The situation gets a little more complicated when Ronald finds out that Bruno’s wife is also in a sticky situation so he has to try and save her, but that may tip Bruno off. Can Ronald’s sword skills save the day?

At the very least, I can safely say that Ronald talks a good game. He berates his opponents and likes to keep up the fake formalities. The villains know that they tried to destroy Ronald and he knows it as well, but he pretends not too. He still goes to enjoy their hospitality and Bruno tries to destroy him a few more times until Ronald finally puts an end to that. I can’t say that he’s a very likable main character though. For starters, he does nothing to help the Black Panther since it would put his own life at risk. He also can’t control himself and flirts with Bruno’s wife quite a lot. Naturally, Bruno and Elga don’t get along at all and the marriage was an arranged one, but it should still be kept in mind that at the moment she is married. Ronald still leaves anyway, but is convinced to return to the villain base. Will this end badly for him? Yes…yes it will.

See, let us keep in mind the fact that Ronald knows this is a trap. He knows that everyone is out to destroy him yet Ronald quickly runs forward into the cage without looking behind him. This quickly gets him locked up and beaten up several times. Even after he crosses the trail of Crocodiles, the villains just calmly walk around and one shot him again. It definitely wasn’t Ronald’s day. Despite the bold words, it is actually Bruno who gets the most laughs the whole time. He is in control and reminds Ronald of this at every turn. Even taunting him when Ronald tried to be defiant in walking towards the secret door. It didn’t work of course as this activated a trap, but Ronald tried…

Bruno’s certainly not a likable villain though. He likes committing animal violence and is a womanizer. There’s no redeemable qualities to find in him even if the film tries to show that he can be a decent competitor. It’s really all just an act and he probably bumps off anyone who beats him at an event. It’s just the kind of guy that he is. I can’t say that I cared for Elga much either. There’s nothing that she can really do in her situation, but I would have liked to have seen her try a little more. Even just sneaking out of the house when Ronald first left could have worked. Then she also does a good job of nearly spilling the beans a few times when she is interrogated.

If you’re a supporting character in this film, then you’re probably doomed. Ronald’s best friend tries to hold off an army with a chair. It’s not a bad plan, but then he breaks it on the first guy who approaches so that’s that. There was also a crooked doctor who had some fairly convenient medicine in his pocket, but he made the mistake of using it and then going back to the main villains. They somehow didn’t pick up the clues immediately, but it was only a matter of time. Not to mention the fact that he pulls this off more than once so anyone could figure it out at that point. He still didn’t seem to suspect the shot in the back though.

Either way, this film was doomed right away. Even if you take away the unlikable characters, you’ve still got the animal violence. It seems to be a trait that a lot of these retro villains share. They like to beat on the weak to make themselves feel strong. Real villains don’t need to bother about such lesser things. Seeing the Black Panther starved and then shot was the film’s way of reminding me that it was terrible. I quickly agreed and here we are.

I also found the situation to be a little too unbelievable. So, the government can’t intervene because there is no proof. I can understand that, but Ronald is apparently one of their great war heroes. Shouldn’t they at least send a few guards along with him? It sounds like everyone knows that Bruno is evil and leading a tribe is rather nebulous. He is also forcing everyone in the city to pay him taxes so the guy is an official dictator. Ronald’s allies could have helped him liberate the city, I don’t think Bruno’s clout should have been enough to completely deter them all. Bruno gets too much hype in general. His first big scene is him watching someone get painful medicine and then nullifying a lot of it by injuring the guy’s wound. It’s supposed to be hardcore, but instead it is painful to watch, just like most of the movie.

The Black Castle simply isn’t any fun. It’s a very mean spirited movie that leaves only a bleak outcome for everyone. The fate of the heroes would have been quite sad as well since they were completely paralyzed and nearly got buried alive. If you’re looking for any happy scenes here, then you’re not going to get much at all. The main romance is hard to get behind and the party is basically filled with rather soulless people who don’t seem to care about anything. I guess they all want to be on Bruno’s good side, but that just shows how desperate they are.

Overall, The Black Castle is one of those films where you’ll end up shaking your head quite a lot. What was the point of this movie? Who knows! Why should I be interested in the plot? Nobody knows! Is the ending supposed to be happy because the two main leads can be together now or is it sad because everyone else died? I think it’s supposed to be happy because Ronald seemed to get over the side characters quite quickly. He was also super sloppy and one of the villains found out about him almost immediately because of it. He got lucky with the fact that another villain decided to quickly dust off his license to kill. This is definitely not a film that you will want to check out and I’d recommend going to Burger King and ordering 5 whoppers instead of checking out this film again. It may be a little more pricey, but at least it’ll keep your attention.

Overall 1/10

Risen

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Risen is a Christian film that takes an interesting approach to the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Most films look at it from the point of view of one of the Disciples or Mary, but this one looks at it from a roman soldier’s point of view. Clavius has been tasked with finding out who is spreading the rumors of Jesus being alive and putting an end to the problem. Clavius works at this goal for a while, but eventually begins to realize that this may not simply be a baseless rumor, but an incredible truth. This puts him at odds with the government so he quickly finds himself in a dangerous situation.

I can definitely appreciate what the director/writer was thinking here. This fresh take on the event is fun to see and Clavius is a good lead. He’s a reasonable guy who may have started out rather hard, but eventually came around. Paul ended up being one of the greatest Apostles in history and he started out as a murderer. There is always time to become a Christian even if you have a dark past. It can be easy to feel like it’s too late, but it certainly is not. The biggest mistake you can make it putting off your repentance and salvation because you want to wait for a good day. If you wait too long, you may find yourself dead before you have a chance. Prolonging things of such importance is not a good idea and the world continues to be in constant turmoil. It’s really impossible to say whether you will be dead or alive tomorrow so don’t take the risk. It is not worth losing your soul for eternity.

If I have any complaints about Risen, it’s that I would have liked to have seen the Disciples more. They rarely got to appear and didn’t get to look all that great when they did show up. Granted, they certainly would be cautious since Clavius was a Roman and they are only human. They did offer him food to eat and were amiable, but I suppose they still had their guard up. When Clavius was interrogating Mary (I believe it was Mary or it could have been one of the other two women) she didn’t do a great job of talking about her faith. She would just ignore him and stare at a corner, saying only a word or two once in a while. I think that aspect of the film certainly could have been handled better. More screen time for Christian messages to be spread by these characters would have been great.

Risen does a good job of recreating what the landscape would have been like back in the day. It’s not all that pretty to look at, but that’s the general point. It’s better to get an accurate look at the area than a romanticized version of it, at least for a film like this one that is depicting real events. The chase scene we get towards the middle of the film where Clavius tries to locate the Disciple base was fun. It’s certainly hard to catch anyone in those streets since the buildings are everywhere and objects obscure your view from all sides. Being able to see the Disciples and Jesus for the first time after his resurrection was definitely the turning point for Clavius.

When thinking about everything that Jesus did in this era, it’s amazing just how close minded people were. He cured people of various diseases, gave the blind sight, and made the crippled walk again. The miracles that Jesus performed were numerous and in front of many witnesses. As Clavius was converted in this film after witnessing Jesus Christ’s power and being exposed to the message, it’s hard to see how someone wouldn’t be converted after seeing it first hand. It can never be that easy of course and there will always be those who don’t believe, but I like to think that the majority would after such a spectacle. I suppose some people simply refused to believe it, no matter what evidence was presented.

Whether in the old days or in current times, there will always be people who have completely closed off their hearts. Nobody is too far gone for God to change, but free will is a privilege that he gives us so we still have to make that choice. If you’re trying to talk to someone about Christ and that person is completely unwilling, it’s best not to force the issue. It can just make that person all the more resistant to change so waiting it out can be a good approach. Nobody can stop you from praying so you can always pray for that person to have a change of heart. Praying for others is a good habit to do every night and you should also pray for yourself as well. If you talk to God every night, it will certainly help you stay strong as a Christian. It can be tough to find time during the day, so you should always keep some kind of schedule in mind. Whether you read a daily devotional every morning or read the Bible during lunch, try to have some kind of routine. It’s not as if it’s tough to make an appointment with God, you can talk to him instantly at any point in time. Always remember to keep that connection active and it will make a difference in your life. You’ll respond to people differently if you have God in mind while you are acting.

I definitely recommend checking out Risen. I recommend it higher if you are already a Christian as you will enjoy seeing this from a new perspective. If you are not yet a Christian, then I’d sooner recommend other films like God’s Not Dead or the 10 Commandments. I admit that I have not watched the latter yet, but I’ve heard that it’s excellent and faithfully recreates a lot of events from the Bible. This film just didn’t have enough Christian discussions and messages in my opinion which is why it wouldn’t be at the top of my recommendations list, but it is still a very solid film. You certainly won’t be worse off for watching it and perhaps you will be able to identify with Clavius. Christianity looked odd to him at the beginning and he thought that it was all foolish, but after actually learning what it was all about, he saw the truth. It’s why it is important to learn about something before writing it off. That’s something that we can apply to everyday life as well.

God’s Not Dead 2

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I got to watch this film in theaters a while back, but it took a while to get around to it. I really enjoyed God’s Not Dead so I was looking forward to the sequel. Debates with non believers on the validity of Christ is always very entertaining and I certainly recommend looking up some of the professional debates that are on Youtube. There are even Christian vs Christian debates online as they tackle the deeper topics like predetermination, and on whether parts of the Old Testament were parables. (I definitely disagree with the latter. At least on the Jonah and the Whale part. I think that definitely did in fact happen and it was not simply a story) God’s Not Dead 2 ups the stakes as the debate is in an official court room this time.

Grace is a history teacher and one day she gets asked a question about whether King Jr., Ghandi, and Jesus Christ had similar messages of peace. Grace responds with a sound yes, but one kid in the back quickly sends a text to his parents. They quickly take it up to the Principal and they are ready to take Grace down if she does not retract her statement. Grace definitely does not and she quickly gets assigned one of the worst lawyers that they could find. Little do they know that Tom is very enthusiastic and doesn’t like to lose. He may not be at a high rank yet, but he’ll still give this his all. The two of them prepare for the big day in court as they fight to protect the right to use the Bible in historical context while at school.

The one iffy thing about the first film was that it tried to juggle about 10 or more subplots. This one cuts down on that considerably so we can now focus on Grace’s subplot. The pastors from the first film also get a small role here as they show up every now and again, but don’t ultimately do much. It’s more for cameo purposes and to acknowledge the continuity of it all. The villains of this film are likable as antagonists. We have the principal who is very excited for this case since it is apparently something that he has been waiting for. He really gets into the battle as he even goes to the home of the student who asked the question and convinces her parents to stand against Grace. They quickly do since they don’t talk to Brooke as much as they should and don’t really understand that this is completely against her wishes.

Brooke is a good character as well. She is struggling with death in her family and this is how she ends up becoming a Christian. The society makes this task very difficult for her though as peer pressure tries to get her to think that this may not be a good thing. After all, her teacher was brought to court and could lose everything just for mentioning the Bible in class and quoting a line or two. That’s a pretty steep price and it will only get steeper as time goes on. Brooke stands strong though and tries to provide Grace with support as best as she can. It doesn’t always pay off, but she does her best. Tom’s a solid character as well. His final plan was definitely super risky, but it shows what a good guy he is. He may not be a Christian, but he did still want to genuinely help Grace. His plan’s risk was mostly all directed at himself so even if it failed, Grace would be okay.

Naturally, Grace is an excellent character. She is given many reasons to quickly take back what she has said and then everything would go away. Everyone advises her to do this, but Grace is courageous and managed to stay strong. It’s certainly a lot tougher than it looks to stand up to adversity without bending to the whims of the world, but it is what you have to do. Your faith will definitely be tested in one way or another during your life. Everyone faces trials and tribulations at some point and if you’ve never experienced one before, then you likely have one coming up. Even for those of us who have already gone through many struggles, there will always be new ones over the horizon. Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it is all worth it for the final prize of Heaven in the end.

One important thing to take away from debates is that you must be completely confident in yourself. You certainly do want to convince your opponent to become a Christian or to at least consider the possibility that God is real. However, another aspect is just as important and that is to not let your opponent shake you. They will try every tactic possible to convince you that Christianity is false as they point out moments that they deem hypocritical or implausible. The Devil would like nothing more than for you to enter a lot of Christian debates and slowly start to lose your faith in the Word’s infallible truths. It’s why debates aren’t always for everyone and I certainly don’t recommend looking into them any deeper than you are comfortable with. Give yourself time to read the Bible cover to cover on your own and listen to some sermons. Once you have a very clear understanding of it, then you can enjoy the debates. Otherwise, it’s possible that they will try to confuse you and twist the meanings of the Bible. It’s very easy to change the entire context of a passage by starting in the middle or ending a quote before it was really over.

In the end, you don’t want anything to shake your faith. There are many things about the Bible that I don’t understand and many things that I probably can’t even if I were to focus on them forever. You can run yourself through logical loops forever and ever without getting any closer to the true meaning. The Bible isn’t meant to be comprehended in a quick sitting like an average novel. It’s known as the Living Word and that’s because you can always get something else out of it. You may interpret a passage one way the first time you read it and another way the next. You are constantly changing as a Christian and your capacity to understand will always be growing. It’s still hard to actually picture Heaven in all of its splendor and I do think that it is beyond comprehension. It’s something that you will simply have to look forward to experiencing and I can’t wait.

“I would rather stand with God and be judged by the world, than stand with the world and be judged by God.” A solid quote to remember from Grace in this film. This world has a lot of joys and wonders in it as well to counteract all of the evil deeds around the world, but the thought of a perfect world of only joy is incredible. This one won’t last and the people who try to get you to renounce your faith won’t get the last laugh. Not only does God provide an end goal to look forward too, but he gives meaning to life. What would the whole point of our daily struggles be if we simply died in the end? With nothing to look forward too, then we would simply be living for day to day pleasures and that just doesn’t seem right. You always get the feeling that there has to be something more to life and Christianity gives you that something. It’s been great to see more and more Christian films arriving in theaters and I’m proud to support them. Hopefully these films will reach a lot of people and turn their hearts to Christ. Every soul saved is worthy of our celebration because it means that we will have saved another person from Hell. If you haven’t seen this film yet then I completely recommend it, along with its predecessor.

Calling Dr. Death Review

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This review has been on the blog back burner for a very long time so it’s good to finally get it out. It’s a retro murder mystery with hypnosis in it. The latter isn’t all that common so it gives a pretty original hook to the plot. I don’t really buy into hypnosis myself as every time I’ve experienced it in real life, it’s been a fraud. Naturally, as this is a film, it is exaggerated as well. Still, it’s a fun concept and if it was real, it would certainly be a very dangerous tool.

Mark is a pretty well known neurologist. He has done a good job of helping people over the years, but unfortunately his private life is a bit of a mess. His wife has been openly cheating on him and Mark can’t go for a divorce without her consent. As he drowns in his sorrows, Mark wakes up one morning to find that the cops have arrived. They tell him that his wife has been murdered and Mark is the main suspect. Mark doesn’t remember murdering her, but he can’t really remember anything. The only chance is if he hypnotizes himself, but what if the murderer is closer than he thinks?

It’s safe to say that this film would have probably lost some points if Mark had actually destroyed his wife. A good murder mystery should never revert to having the main lead actually turn out to be evil. On the other hand, there aren’t a whole lot of suspects here so you have to try and make your guess right away. The wife isn’t a suspect even if she was a very unlikable character. There’s the rebound guy I suppose. Bob is another unlikable character and like Maria, he is married as well. I guess both of them wanted to cheat so they just met up together. Apparently it seems like Bob was doing it for the money or something. There were some twists about that, but it didn’t really matter much and I didn’t care for the subplot.

If we can count him as a suspect, there’s also Officer Gregg. He’s a detective who comes over to Mark with this revelation. I may as well say that he is the best character in the film by the way. He has a pretty good idea of what’s going on and at the very end of the film, he admits that he knew who the guilty party was the entire time. He had basically just been playing the entire cast like a fiddle because he knew that he could. He needed the hard evidence and this was the best way. Gregg just stole the show as far as I’m concerned.

We’ve also got Mark’s secretary, Stella. I can’t say that I was a fan of Stella either. Granted, Mark wanted to get a divorce from Maria, but he didn’t yet and it felt like these two were trying to make a connection anyway. Stella was pretty quick to lie to the cops in order to protect Mark so that’s a good thing I suppose. This does give her a motive for taking out Maria, but is it a red herring?

As for Mark, I can’t say that he’s a great character either. He didn’t handle the whole situation all that well at all and if his memory were better, everything could have been a little different. He wasn’t a terrible lead or anything like that and did ultimately make the right decision in not letting someone get the death penalty for a murder that wasn’t his. I don’t like the guy, but he at least had some decency.

Now, it probably sounds like this film is pretty bad based on the cast. Gregg’s the only character that I liked after all, but granted..this film had a very small cast so maybe that’s understandable. I’d still say that this film was decently good. It was an interesting film first and foremost. It was easy to stay interested in the plot and it never dragged on for a very long time or anything like that. The hypnosis angle didn’t happen for too long so it didn’t get boring and it was a decent way of looking at flashbacks. Hearing the main character talking in a bored voice was a little boring, but the scene wasn’t all that long either.

Overall, Calling Dr. Death is a fairly short film that is straight to the point. The cast is very small so there aren’t a lot of guys running around and as a result, there’s not a whole lot to say about it in the end. It doesn’t go for cheap shock value or anything like that. The way that the wife died was a little violent, but it’s never shown or anything so it’s not as bad as it could be. I’d recommend this to people that like a slow burner mystery thriller. It’s not going to be as high octane and nonstop excitement as a modern thriller like Taken, but it works pretty well within the budget that it had. At the very least, it’s still fairly memorable so the film did something right. Just be on the lookout for Gregg, you’ll see why he completely outshines the rest of the cast. It’s also another cautionary tale for people who are rich and don’t suspect a thing as they marry someone super quickly. As in this film, sometimes the person is just after the money.

Overall 6/10

She-Wolf of London Review

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This She-Wolf film may not have a whole lot to do with the original, but that’s the fate of some unfortunate spinoffs. While this film may not be all that bad, it doesn’t do a lot of good things either. It moves by at a rather slow pace to try and build up suspense, but forgets to have an actual climax anyway. You will also have to suspend some disbelief by the end considering who the culprit here is. At the very least, this film shows that sometimes you shouldn’t overthink everything as if you were in a thriller film. Sometimes, the answer is right in front of you.

Phyllis is sort of the main character here. She is almost ready to be married to Barry, but something comes up. She believes that at night, she turns into a Werewolf and destroys people. She wakes up to find blood on her clothes, wolf hair, and stuff like that. Her aunt and her cousin try to help her get through this to an extent, but it’s not very effective. The aunt clearly doesn’t like Barry and tries to dismiss him every time while the cousin talks a little, but doesn’t do much during the film. If Barry wants some answers, then he’s going to have to break into the house and find them. The question is…can he fend off a werewolf?

Okay guys, it’s spoiler time. If you don’t want the twist to be ruined, then simply skip this paragraph. Are you ready? Are you ready? Are you really ready? Here we go…there is no Wolf in the film. The fact of the matter is, Aunt Martha is the culprit here. “Why did you say that name!!! XD” I know that this may come as a shock to you, but it is true. Martha is actually the villain here. See, she doesn’t like Barry to she decides to trick Phyllis into going insane and thinking that she is a murderer by murdering a bunch of people and setting it up so that Phyllis would look guilty. The logistics of this are a little dicey though. For starters, Phyllis must be an incredibly deep sleeper to not notice the Aunt doing all of this to her room every night. Beyond that, how does everyone get murdered by her so easily? True, she has a butter knife, but she is very old and a detective should still be able to react fast enough to stop her. At least, I’d hope that he could. She also just makes for a very boring villain. I suspect that you are watching a creature feature film to check out the monster right? The more twists we get with a fake monster in the climax, the more that the creature feature genre dies a little inside.

None of the characters are particularly likable either. Phyllis is rather weak willed and falls for every trap a little too easily. She should have probably explained the situation to Barry if she really trusted him. Together, the two of them could have done a decent job at solving this case. Instead, she tries to push him away and sulks by herself. It makes the situation a lot more complicated. Barry? He basically has no character and just shows up to let Phyllis tell him to go away. He usually listens and runs out of there only to return later and try again. The supporting characters really weren’t a whole lot of help here, but then again….who thought that they would be?

The film isn’t particularly violent or anything, but just to try and add a certain level of darkness to the background, it turns out that a kid was murdered by the old lady. Was this necessary? No. Did it help the plot? No. Did it help remind me that this is more of a B film at heart? Yes. The She-Wolf of London will just keep on reminding you that it could have been a whole lot better. I can’t picture it ever being terrific of course, but it could have been more exciting, starting with actually having a monster.

I did like the Guard Dogs though. They barked a good game and kept everyone on their toes. The other dogs around the neighborhood were also fun. I can’t remember if any died or not so I will assume that they all lived. If one did die, feel free to remove another star from this review. One of the main problems with the film is simply that the plot never really goes there. In the end, it simply isn’t very interesting and that’s a problem. The film may not be all that long, but none of the characters are sympathetic and if we’re being honest here…nothing really happens.

Overall, The She-Wolf of London is a bit of a non film. By that, I mean that most of the film takes place as Phyllis’ house and most of the drama is all in her head. It plays out a little like a slice of life film and that doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, but then it should play it straight or add some good characters. Otherwise, the film just gets a little muddled and the actual action/horror elements to the plot didn’t really do anything for me. I’d recommend taking a pass on this film. It certainly sat on the review back burner for a while and that’s partially because it just isn’t very interesting. Whether you are watching or reviewing it, there is simply not much to say. It’s just not a winner.

Overall 3/10

Twice Told Tales Review

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Remember that time when anthologies were going to be the next big thing? Well, I can’t remember that either so no prob. Anthologies really limit the amount of success that a film can have. Think of it this way, you may manage to actually get a good story in there, but then it probably would have been even more awesome if it was longer. Alternately, you may have a bad story in here that is dragging down the good ones. There are three stories here and as expected, the second one drags the other two down. It’s fairly painful and the first story is decent while the third one is on the weak side. Bring them all together and it doesn’t exactly make for explosive results.

Dr. Heidegger’s Experiment is the first story and my favorite of the three. Carl invites Alex to celebrate his birthday. They’ve been close friends for decades and Carl is very happy to have had such a loyal friend. One day, a lightning strike opens up the tomb where his late fiance has been resting. A mystical water has kept her body preserved for decades and it has the ability to restore youth to any who drink it. Carl and Alex quickly age back to their primes and also manage to bring Sylvia back to life. The problem? It turns out that Sylvia and Alex were cheating on Carl behind his back the entire time and they decide not to be subtle about it anymore. Carl decides that one of them has to die, but will everything go according to his plan?

The story does a pretty good job of leading into the climax. It is fairly interesting from the get go and for a little while, I was pleasantly surprised that these two friends…were still friends. I had been expecting some kind of betrayal and it began to look like this wouldn’t happen once they both got young again. Of course, this all blew up when the fiance was revived. I can’t say that I was too thrilled about this. A 60+ year friendship thrown away just like that? The segment was definitely at its best before Sylvia woke up. It’s amazing how quickly the entire tone of a film can change. It still made for an interesting watch.

Rappaccini’s Daughter is the second segment in the film and this is the weak one. There is a Beatrice is a girl who is stuck in the garden because her body is very poisonous. Any contact with another person will result in death for him/her while Beatrice will be okay. Rappaccini did this because his wife cheated on him so this was his way of ensuring that Beatrice would never do the same when she grew up. Now, she would have to only pick one person and then Rappaccini would poison that guy so the two of them could be together forever. The main guy in this film was Giovanni and he isn’t too thrilled at this. Nonetheless, he gives Rappaccini the benefit of the doubt and accepts a quick drink. It naturally had a sleeping drug in it so Giovanni wakes up to find that he has been poisoned. I don’t think he thought this through.

The main problem with the film is the fact that there is a lot of animal violence in this segment. To show off Beatrice’s poison abilities, she infects several animals and we have to watch them die. It’s rather unnecessary if you ask me, but Giovanni was very slow on the uptake so he didn’t buy into it until she showed him a few times. No matter the reason, animal violence is a great way to completely doom a segment. There was no escape at this point. The ending’s also pretty bad. Giovanni decides that he’d rather die than be forced to just be with Beatrice for the rest of his life so he destroys himself by drinking a vial of anti-poison. Beatrice decides to follow suit and destroys herself with the poison so then Rappaccini destroys himself with a plant. Talk about a super dark gritty ending eh? All three of these guys met a rather untimely demise in such a short amount of time. I suppose it was inspired by Romeo and Juliet, but it was still handled rather poorly.

Finally, the third story was called House of The Seven Gables. Gerald realizes that he is one step away from being incredibly rich. All he has to do in order to claim his riches is to find the legendary treasure that was left at his family’s mansion. All of the men before him have died due to a curse and he is the last male left in the family, but that doesn’t stop him. His wife, Alice, and his sister, Hannah, are also along for the ride whether they like it or not. When Alice starts to get possessed by a ghost and starts to cheat on Gerald with a neighbor by the name of Jonathan, tensions quickly rise. Will Gerald find the treasure or is the curse simply too much for him?

This segment certainly did have the best scene in the film. Watching Gerald walk up to the treasure chest to finally get rich was pretty suspenseful. Then watching the skeleton hand slowly float towards the guy and choke him was pretty rich. The scene maybe lasts a little too long as the hand wants to end the curse properly, but the shock value was handled rather well. If you learn anything in horror films, it’s that you never want to trip when something is out to get you. It rarely ends well.

The characters were a lot more annoying here than in the other specials though. Gerald is essentially a villain from the get go. Alice proves to be a very easy person who will fall for a guy in about 15 minutes. Even if they knew each other in a past life, that doesn’t help. You can’t even like Jonathan since he is encouraging Alice to cheat on her husband. The sister wasn’t bad, but she probably should have thought a little more before threatening and insulting the villain who is holding an axe. Just food for thought, but I guess it’s a little too late for a heads up eh?

I found it interesting that all three stories involved someone getting cheated on. You really can’t trust anyone in these stories now can you? I wonder if the writers were paranoid about that kind of thing or if it was a pure coincidence. Either way, it was definitely something worth noting. In the end, none of the three stories were particularly strong and this isn’t a horror film that will end up being one of your all time favorites or anything like that. Trust me when I say that it could have certainly been a lot worse though. Story 2 not withstanding, I’ve certainly seen worse horror films and even counting that one, there are lesser titles out there.

Overall, Twice Told Tales isn’t terrible. The first special is fairly passable and the third one isn’t too bad, but the second one dooms the film as a whole. That’s the problem with anthologies, there is always that one special that is ready to bring everything else down. At the very least, this does beat most of the horror films that I’ve seen over the years. That’s some slight bragging rights I’d say. I wouldn’t really recommend it though and if you want a proper scare, you should check out Dragon Ball Evolution.

Overall 3/10

Captive Wild Woman Review

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It’s time for another retro review. I’m sure that the instant you saw this title you had a bad feeling about how this review was going to go down. Well, your instincts are right then. The Captive Wild Woman is a fairly terrible film that tries its best to keep on getting worse and worse as you watch it. It hits rock bottom and makes you wonder whether the film succeeded in capturing your attention as you disliked it or if it simply captured the time you spent watching it. One thing’s for sure, this will not go down as one of the ultimate monster films.

Fred is a circus guy who goes around kidnapping animals from their native habitats. Unfortunately, the wildlife preserves weren’t really ready at the time so nobody stops him from nabbing a lot of tigers, lions, and even a gorilla. His co-workers are impressed at his boldness. The only one who is too busy to bother about such things is his fiance, Beth. She lets Fred know that her sister is very sick with something that she’s always had and has never bothered her all that much, but now she wants to fix it. Fred’s understandably confused, but nods his approval. After Beth drops Dorothy off at this very suspect and shady building, she heads off. Fred’s new Gorilla ends up murdering someone who got too close to the cage and nearly finished someone else off as well. Dr. Walters uses this chance to kidnap the Gorilla and murders his assistant to give her brain to the creature. Using magic, Dr. Walters transforms the Gorilla into a lady named Paula and takes her to the circus to unravel his own plans….he succeeds!

So, what is the problem with this film? Let’s start out with the obvious case of animal violence. Once again, we see humans taking animals out of their natural habitats and forcing them to perform in cages for human amusement. That’s no better than slavery and especially when you consider that the animals aren’t being treated well at all. If they don’t do what the humans want, they get hit. It’s pretty terrible. These scenes go on for ages and ages as Fred keeps throwing the whip and never letting up. I was rooting for the animals to get him and at least they did get some of his predecessors, but Paula kept on saving him. Otherwise Fred would have been taken out of the picture very early on. Animal violence doomed this to a 0 right from the get go. It’s why I never like seeing circuses with animals in them and I’m skeptical on how they’re being handled. Luckily, you don’t really see circuses like this anymore so we’re doing something right.

Either way, there is no real way to like Fred in this adventure. For starters, he has no real problem with flirting with Paula right from the get go even though he’s already taken. Sure, the counter is probably that he didn’t really think of it as flirting and was just being nice…but I don’t buy it. He also completely ignores her the instant that his fiance comes to visit, which was also pretty over the top. When Beth finally confides in Fred and lets him know that Paula may be a villain, Fred just laughs it off instantly. He doesn’t believe her for a second and gets out of there ASAP.

Beth isn’t a great main heroine either and makes the kinds of decisions here that you would expect from the supporting characters in a Freddy Krueger film. She gets a call from her sister that something is not right and she fears for her life. The call is abruptly disconnected so Beth quickly calls the cops and gets to the bottom of this. Wait….she didn’t call the cops? Afraid not! Beth instead comes to the conclusion that there must have been something wrong with the phone line based on how calmly she walked over to the villain base without a care in the world. Naturally, Dr. Walters decides to destroy her as well, but there’s no rush. So, after letting Beth know that he’ll be destroying her in a moment, Dr. Walters lets Beth go over to the unlocked Gorilla cage which holds Paula…who has been wanting to murder Walters for a while now.
 This doesn’t end well for Walters, but I suppose anyone who didn’t check their common sense out of the door would have realized that. Then again, what do you expect from a guy whose whole plan revolved around an ex employee somehow breaking into a circus and transporting the Gorilla cage without getting slashed? (That scene made no real sense by the way…no wonder the film skipped it.)

Dorothy’s not much better than Beth. She doesn’t begin to suspect that something is up until she has a very long operation and then doesn’t get better for a few days. Seriously, she waited eons before actually making a call instead of just dashing out while Walters was busy. She had many opportunities to escape since Walters was always attending the circus and having fun messing with the main characters. No, she decided not to make a move until Walters made it back to the house and then she went down without putting any real resistance.

Dr. Walters is a pretty bad villain. He may have gotten the last word as the film ends with an epilogue about his life, but he’s a fairly terrible villain. There’s no real reason to sympathize or even understand his reasoning. His whole motivation for murdering everyone and making a human is just because he’s curious. None of it leads to anything and you have to wonder where he was going to go from here anyway. A Cat lady next? Sorry, that concept has already been taken and used by dozens of other films. Better luck next time…

Miss. Strand is another character who isn’t all that smart. She works for a mad scientist and knows that he is completely unstable. After seeing what he is about to do to the patient, she tells him up front that she will put an end to his evil plan. She’ll tell the cops and see that he goes to jail for life. Brilliant idea Miss. Strand…but why did you tell that to his face while you two are the only people in the building in the basement floor, while he is next to the door? Naturally, things don’t go well for her either.

Finally, we have Paula. By default, she is better than most of the other characters here. She is a contender for the best character in the film and I would consider that to be a great honor if her competition wasn’t so bad. She is going after a guy who is taken so that doesn’t bode over well. Plus, she’s a Gorilla so the whole relationship is warped from the start. Should have stuck to the friend zone. At least Paula was tough and could hold her own in a fight. It just wasn’t enough to help her survive a bullet in the back. (Well…with those sequels…..)

Overall, There’s nothing to really like about this film. It’s fairly short at least so that’s a slight consolation I suppose. The animal violence was just too much and you’ll be shaking your head as Dr. Walters bumps off the cast one by one. They all made the worst decisions possible. I also have to question how Paula in her gorilla form made it all the way to the circus from Dr. Walters house in time to save Fred. Based on the rest of the film, it wasn’t all that close to the circus and you’d think that one of the cops would have stopped her since they were all very trigger happy here. Perhaps the writers were going to fix this after lunch, but the film was already due by then so they never got a chance. Either way, this is a film that you should skip. Go take a nap instead.

Overall 0/10

Independence Day Review

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Technically I went back and rewatched this film before the sequel came out, but then the review found itself on the backburner for quite a while. Needless to say, this film is certainly a lot better than the original. It still had a little issue with adding in too many plots which result in some being less interesting than the others, but ends up being a rather complete picture. The special effects still hold up really well and the characters are mostly likable. It’s the classic alien invasion story that you would expect and will always be remembered as an iconic film.

The main plot here is that aliens have arrived and they want to take over the Earth. They naturally go after America first since this country is super strong, but the world is their endgame. Not to fear, America has a plan and we’ve got a lot of natural defenses on our side of the field as well. Can our team of handpicked experts stop this alien menace or is the whole world doomed? Time to find out!

The film develops around a half dozen subplots so you get used to the characters before the Aliens actually show up. In one corner, we’ve got Thomas, the President of the United States! He seems like a charismatic guy and takes the situation in stride, but naturally there aren’t a whole lot of standard procedures to keep in mind when you are under attack from aliens. Considering the situation. Thomas keeps a steady command of the situation despite this and doesn’t let go of the reigns. He is easily the best character in the film as far as I’m concerned and his plot was also the most interesting. If you’ve been following my reviews a lot then you’ll remember that I always love to see the government’s point of view. As a result, the round table meeting with all of the higher ups was definitely a blast. One of the generals is ultimately portrayed as a bit of a worrywart by the end who talks back to the President and is quickly fired, but I actually liked him a lot when he first appeared. Before things went south for the character, he had some good points. For example, Thomas states that maybe they should consider going to Deafcon 4. The general immediately answers “Absolutely!” right after sighing as if he had been waiting for the President to finally make the obvious call. The general then went on to immediately dish out some orders before being put back in his place. Maybe he was a little too enthusiastic, but I liked how he immediately went to action and how he had his own ideas on how this should all go down.

Another one of the better plots involved David. He’s a genius who works with computers and detects a hidden frequency within the alien transmissions. Nobody else has noticed this yet so it could be crucial, but he has to find a way to infiltrate the White House first and that is going to be an issue. Especially considering that he actually punched out the President a while back. Something like that is a little hard to forget. Luckily, he has connections within the building, but is he in over his head? David plays a large role in stopping the alien menace and gets into the front lines. The actor’s always done a good job in the movies that I’ve seen him in and pulls off the character quite well. Finally, we’ve got the third main plot which featured Captain Hiller. He’s the ace pilot on the group and is the only character in the film to actually defeat one of the aliens mano a mano. He provides the gusto and natural leadership that gives the team confidence when it is time for the final attack. David’s the brains of the operations, but you need to have some brawn in a firefight and that’s where Hiller comes in. His natural charisma is something that the leads from the sequel really lacked.

Unfortunately, this is where we start to get to the plots that weren’t quite as interesting. For starters, there is Russell. He claims to have been abducted by aliens a while back and gets teased about it whenever he goes to the local bar to drink. He’s typically drunk throughout the day so that makes it tough for him to defend himself. He makes it onto TV, but not in a graceful light. He drives cross country with two teens, I believe they were his nephews, and they get to give us a grounded look at the situation. It was a very boring view though and this subplot was even longer in the extended cut. There was really no point to it though and naturally Russell got his big moment in the end, but I could have done without him. The plot could have certainly been more obnoxious and a lesser film would have really gone crazy wit it, but it still didn’t help the film out in the long run.

I also wasn’t crazy about the plot involving the First Lady, who survived the crash and meets up with Jasmine, Hiller’s wife. (Girlfriend at the time) It was there for the emotional impact I suppose and to give us inspiration speeches, but it slowed the pacing down a little. That being said, I do have to give the plot some credit though because it provided us with a cool CGI scene where the fire starts to engulf the streets. We then see the main dog turn into Air Bud as he leaps across cars and outruns the fire all the way to the service entrance where the characters were. Many films have a make or break moment and this was it. If the characters had shut the door to save themselves and the dog had died, this film would have gone right into the trash. I would have churned out a 0-1 star review for this film and would have spent the duration bashing and bashing it. Luckily, this film had class and good writing so the dog lived and we got a plot with a nice ending. So, the dog scene is what saved the side plot.

Finally, we also have some annoying characters when we head to the underground bunker. It starts off okay as the President takes charge and infiltrates Area 51. Unfortunately, the scientists there was too zany for their own good. They try to go for a very Johnny Depp kind of quirky, but it’s very forced and not appreciated. They don’t get a big role here so that’s good, but prepare yourself for the sequel. The main positive about this part was when the alien decided to fight back and attacked from his glass cage. The alien put up a good fight and the action scene really came out of nowhere. It was unexpected and that helped to make it a very effective moment. The film may have not been super heavy with action, but had its moments. There was a big aerial fight in the climax after all of the alien ships take on the U.S. Airforce. That was fun and the effects really hold up well. Between that and the famous scene where the White House blows up, you can tell that this film got a pretty high budget.

A lot of people like to poke fun at the ending though, where we use a Mac to send a virus to the villains. I do agree to an extent that this is a little hard to believe and viruses shouldn’t work on villains in the first place, but I’m pretty okay with this. You have to keep in mind that we will never defeat an alien race without some kind of plot hax. Just look at how Captain Hiller takes down one of these superhumanly strong aliens with a single punch. It’s hard to swallow, but it’s still a pretty humorous scene to watch. At the very least, I thought it was pretty fun.

The soundtrack was fairly good. It’s not going to be winning any awards from this blog anytime soon, but I thought that the tunes were placed rather well and that’s what counts. The President’s big speech was certainly good as well and one of the cooler moments of the film. It was so good that the sequel decides to reuse it instead of coming up with a big one of its own.

Overall, Independence Day really set the bar for future alien invasion films. It definitely deserves to be known as a fun classic. It’s not completely amazing as some of the lesser subplots drag the film down a little, but it’s still a fun film in the end. The pacing is good and you should be kept well entertained the whole time. It’s essentially the definition of a solid film and considering that the aliens didn’t get to show up much, the set up was still really good. I’d argue that this is one of those films where the set up is better than the actual resolution as I like to see everyone getting worked up over the aliens. The fight was still good of course, but the prelude was just better. I certainly recommend checking this film out. It may not be July 4th right now, but it’s always the right time for an alien invasion film.

Overall 7/10

The Leech Woman Review

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I had to choose this poster because it basically spoils the entire movie. It’s a fairly short adventure though so it is pretty hard to not spoil the first part. I’m sure that the trailers did as well since in theory, the second half would be treated as the selling point. It’s a tough call though because I felt like the first half lasted long enough where you could treat it as its own story. I was actually wondering where the film was going to go with this, but once the mud scene happened, it was clear that the movie was still ready to kick it into high gear. It’s definitely better than I was expecting even if it’s still not ready for the big leagues.

The film starts off with a doctor and his wife having some troubles. They don’t get along at all and are ready for a divorce. Paul and June nearly seal the deal, but then an old lady named Malla shows up. She explains that her people have a way to reverse aging and make you young again. There are side effects, but it will make Paul rich so he is eager to learn more. She invites the couple to come to her village and then leaves. Paul quickly pretends to be nice to June again so he can use her as a guinea pig on this new formula. He can’t try it on himself of course since he doesn’t know if it’s safe yet. They go along to the village and are told that they will die there. June is given the opportunity to try the serum though so she gives it a whirl. Unfortunately, the effects only last for a single day so it’s good for a night of fun, but that’s about it. June isn’t satisfied and she wants a true romance since she never got along with Paul, but will she be able to keep on murdering people every day while keeping it a secret from the fiance that she stole from another girl? Only time will tell!

There are definitely some problems with this title from the get go. The main issue is the drama between June and Paul. There is really no purpose to it and June looks terrible throughout the whole ordeal. So, they have been married for over 10 years, but June claims that he never liked her. She likes him though so she puts up with it, but has clearly had a terrible time of it. She has resorted to being a regular drinker. Then, Paul pretends to be nice to her for one day and she is suddenly willing to stick around until he betrays her again. It was definitely a very poor relationship plot and didn’t add anything to the movie. I definitely didn’t care for June and she never recovered from the opening. Going after someone who already had a fiancee was definitely iffy as well although it is certainly the guy’s fault as well.

Paul is quite bad as well. He just wants money and strings June along for his own personal ambitions. Luckily, he is also not that intelligent and basically tells June his plan of leaving her to the Indians to be murdered while he escapes. She very reasonably decides that this is not a very good plan for her so she decides to pull a little trick on him. We’ve also got the random guy who was hired for 5000. He seemed like a good character at first although he was also flirting a little with June and since she was still married..it was a little iffy. He shows his true colors by the end though and suddenly becomes just another villain. I like how he quickly switched his tune once he was in the mud, but he probably should have realized what was coming next.

Another really bad character was the fiancee. He falls in love with someone after only seeing her for 5 minutes and is instantly willing to play the field as he tries to hang out with the new girl while not telling his current one. Naturally, this doesn’t go well and he handles the situation terribly. I was kind of hoping that June would take him out after she had her fun, but ultimately it wasn’t in the cards. Still, it was a good way to make that character as unlikable as possible. He was beyond saving at that point. I did like his girl friend though. She made sure to keep reminding June to back off and when that didn’t work, she quickly grabbed her gun. Unfortunately, she forgot that a gun is meant to keep opponents at bay and you shouldn’t use it in a hand to hand fight. That was just plain sloppy and had a lot of plot hax there.

I didn’t really care for Malla. She talked tough for a while and did help to destroy some of the main characters, but why was she here? Unless she can see the future or has some kind of telepathy, I don’t see why she would go to see Paul in the first place. She is also treated as the ruler of her village as she can murder people for no reason and calls the shots so why didn’t she just stay there. Also, turning young just to mess around with everyone for a full day is a pretty sad goal. I would have preferred a better villain.

I do think that the film did a decent job of switching the tone from part 1 to part 2. Part 2 suddenly became your standard horror film as June picks people off one by one while the first act was more of a Jungle film like the recent fake monster film that I reviewed. It’s hard to say which part was better. Maybe the second half, but they both weren’t bad. There was a quick scene of animal violence in part 1, which was unfortunate and all of the romance throughout the film was definitely pretty bad. You can’t have a good romance with unlikable characters after all, that will be a losing formula no matter how you slice it.

It’s also a little hard to believe that June can defeat all of the foes that she did. She was an old lady at one point, but is still able to overpower a crook who was choking her. June took way too long to make her move as well. Since she was planning to destroy him from the start, she could have handled the situation in a safer manner. She was also surprisingly sloppy after a while. Leaving her calling card on the corpse was pretty iffy and then just leaving a dead body in the closet where anyone could just open up and find it? Granted, the latter example is not quite as bad since she had little time. I can accept throwing the body in the closet, but leaving her card was sad.

I do like how quickly the cops acted though. They showed up out of nowhere and at first I was wondering how they could have possibly put the pieces together. They are definitely good at their jobs and even had the warrant ready so they did everything by the books. Definitely the best characters by default. I would definitely have liked to have seen them more as it’s always nice to see them talk tough to the crooks.

I have to quickly mention The Ring here. June has a ring which can destroy any guy with a quick shot to the neck. You don’t even have to apply that much pressure as June KOs someone while he had leverage and she was an old lady. You basically just have to tap it to the neck and it is game over. I guess the reasoning is that the fang it was made of is incredibly sharp, but it is still a real stretch. Definitely a handy weapon to have on deck though and it is the real MVP of this film. June probably wouldn’t have lasted too long without it.

Overall, The Leech Woman was better than I expected. I still won’t call it a very good film or anything like that, but it’s not downright bad either. I think it’s safely in the middle and it is certainly watchable while even having a little replay value. I’d actually recommend checking this out to an extent if you’ve ever wanted to see a really old woman take down a bunch of people on her own. I suppose age doesn’t matter when you have a one hit KO ring. I still don’t buy the fact that it works so well, but it’s just one of those things I guess. One thing about the plot that still doesn’t make sense though is an early scene. Paul and friends arrive at Africa and see a lot of dead bodies along with Malla’s cane. At first I thought that she transformed and destroyed them, but apparently another tribe got them…but the tribe was Malla’s tribe. Either they have two factions of she was kidnapped during the journey and then her crew came to save her. I dunno, it didn’t make any sense to me, but maybe it’ll click when you watch it. If so readers, let me know how that situation really went down!

Overall 5/10

Island of Lost Souls Review

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This review is of the edited version as I believe all airings don’t have the original extreme animal violence scene anymore. Still terrible though and it would be hard to make the review any harsher because it’s so bad.

Remember that feeling of falling off of your bike and scraping your knee, only to fall again on that same knee? That’s basically what it’s like to watch this film. It’s one of those films that is so horrific, so terrible, so awful that you won’t be able to find anything good to say about this film. The fact that Britain apparently gave it an X certificate before cutting out some of the incredibly terrible animal violence is quite telling. Even the author of the book didn’t approve of the film. It’s really just filled with terrible animal violence and ultimately there is no point to the story. Even the main poster is terrible. This film really couldn’t do anything right. At least films like this make other bad titles look somewhat competent.

Parker is on a ship heading back home, but he notices that the Captain is being cruel to his animal slaves. He punches the guy, but is thrown overboard. Parker is forced to go to a haunted island where more animals are being cruelly tortured and is held against his will for a while. Parker doesn’t mind for the most part and even gives a pass to the evil doctor. After cheating on his fiancee, Parker starts to realize that this place may be having a bad effect on him so when his friends come to rescue them, he doesn’t bother to warn them of the dangers. On the contrary, he sends an old man off to fight the island’s dozens and dozens of inhabitants on his own. Once Parker is sure that the old man is dead, he heads off with the main heroine and one of the villains to try and escape, but it will likely take one more sacrifice. He’s planned for that though…

This film’s another train wreck in case you couldn’t guess by now. The only decent character here is the Captain and even he isn’t all that smart. Going outside on your own in the middle of the night in enemy territory is just foolish and drinking/eating a lot in an unfamiliar place is not a strategically wise move either. He certainly should have taken a bigger crew with him for such an expedition. He is better than the other characters by default though. Parker wasn’t a likable character for many reasons, but one of the main ones is that he is very quick to cheat on his girl friend. After that, he admits that he didn’t really care much about the animals being tortured and was content to leave the island and not do anything about it. He’s what you would call a coward. He’s worried about what might happen if he stands up for the creatures so he chooses to feign ignorance. While the animals are being experimented on, he goes back to his cabin to read a book. I was waiting for him to get knocked off, but that would only happen if this was a modern horror film. Since it’s retro, everyone else gets to die except for him and the main heroine.

Most films lose some stars and points for having mild animal violence. You can imagine how this film became a 0 instantly with the high degree that is featured here. This film is right up there with Sucker Punch as one of the worst films of all time. As bad as Awake was, this is in a whole different level. It’s not that long at least, but still tries to be as unpleasant as humanly possible. Dr. Moreau has an extremely dark ending to try and compensate for how violent and dark they made him, but it certainly doesn’t win the film back any points. There is even a trope for this kind of thing where a villain will commit some kind of atrocity and then that same atrocity happens to them by the end as a form of karmic justice. In actuality, this vicious cycle just means that the film will have the same dark moment twice and further sink it into the ground.

On the surface, you might find it appealing to see a villain like this meet an incredibly brutal end, but at that point, it is just too much. Simply have the villain die in an explosion or something, no need for him to get tortured just to prove a point. Films like this are just extremely toxic and just plain bad for you. Watching rubbish like this for a while will just give you a sour disposition and you’re better off watching something with actual good themes and light hearted moments. This film opts to be incredibly grim-dark the entire time instead.

Overall, there’s not much more to say about this film. It simply doesn’t have any class and you’ll be doing yourself a favor by skipping out on it. Animal violence shouldn’t be tolerated in any shape or form and the film better not have been using any actual animals for this. The whole thing is just unethical and if H.G. Wells typically writes books of such low quality, then I can safely say that he is extremely overrated. Most big name authors are though so I can’t say I’m very surprised. The summary tipped me off from the start that this was going to be a terrible film. Luckily, I think this is the last 0 star film at the moment, but we still do have some really negative ones coming up so prepare yourself. For every gem, there are 5 old banana’s in the trash can just waiting to be picked up. This was one of those, but at least, now I have a film I can easily mention when someone asks what some of the worst films of all time are.

Overall 0/10