Category Archives: Live Action Movies

Baron Blood Review

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It’s time for a movie that you could tell was going to go off the rails almost immediately. The characters are pretty bad and the whole film is one of the biggest compilations of self inflicted wounds that I have seen in a very long time. Definitely not going to go down as one of the next big horror films and I can see why nobody talks about this one. The baron is not a winner.

The film starts off with a guy named Peter deciding to visit his relatives. He wants a break from the usual routine of school work and what better way than by learning about the legend of Baron Blood? This guy was an ancestor of Peter’s after all. It doesn’t matter that the Baron was known to be an incredibly evil man. Peter is curious to know more about him. So when Peter learns about a spell that could summon the Baron back to life, he doesn’t hesitate to use it. Everyone warns him about this but he doesn’t care! After using the spell, mysterious things begin to happen. People begin to get murdered but surely this isn’t because of what Peter did right? There was another spell to destroy the Baron once more but due to a lot of carelessness, it ends up being burned. Is there any way to stop the Baron?

I think the biggest problem right away with Peter is that he has virtually no remorse for what he’s done. People are literally being murdered in gruesome ways and he’s still interested in how the spell worked. He continues to act fascinated and excited by what is going on even after the negative effects have been well under way. That doesn’t sound like a good character to me. In fact, that sounds like a pretty bad one. He’s more focused on seducing Eva and getting more scientific experience under his belt than saving the day.

For that reason, he was definitely never going to rank. I would also say Eva takes some guilt here for going along with this. Peter may be crazy but she doesn’t have to follow his lead. She could have just said no instead of letting herself get seduced immediately and going against her better judgment. It certainly didn’t go very well for her, that’s for sure. She was a big believer in the supernatural events going on so that’s even more reason why she should have taken a step back there.

Then we have Karl who isn’t as bad but he probably could have taken a harder stance in telling Peter to knock off his interest in the occult. I just can’t put a lot of blame on him because these are all adults so you have to trust in some common sense. Karl went about his life as normal and then once he found out about the threat, he got to work. He certainly felt more prepared than the other two and could at least talk with the cops without sounding crazy while the other two would phrase things in the craziest possible ways.

It’s a tried and true trope of the characters talking to the cops about monsters and actually thinking they will believe it. No shot, and I can’t even blame the cop there. It is a tough tale to swallow. As for the Baron, yeah he doesn’t have a ton of character or anything like that. He likes torturing people, that’s about the extent of personality that he has. He goes around wrecking everyone as much as possible. I guess he also seems to like Eva quite a bit so he has that trait as well which doesn’t really help matters.

You won’t be remembering this guy for very long. I suppose he is at least smart enough to be able to use a disguise and trick the heroes but that doesn’t take a whole lot of skill here tbh. Just about anyone would be able to pull the wool over these fighters! Even aside from the characters, the film had a bunch of issues though. For starters, I found it to be way too mean spirited. Since this guy’s whole thing is torture, he goes around torturing everyone.

All of the deaths are pretty brutal and the film comes across as rather mean spirited There isn’t much of a story beyond the carnage and even though the film’s runtime is fairly short, this will feel like a rather long experience. The movie actually could have been a bit better if the baron had pretended that he’d turned over a new leaf or something. That would have been far more interesting and then you would have an excuse for less violence in the meantime.

I suppose I’ll give the film credit for having some fairly good effects here. Everything is very practical and that can be a lost art at times. Meanwhile the script is fun enough with everyone talking all proper. It doesn’t make up for the writing of course as that is still a lost cause overall but at least that is a silver lining.

Overall, Baron Blood is definitely a film that I would advise you to avoid. In a way it almost feels like the original blueprint to a classic slasher film. The whole film is about the kills and the heroes being unable to do anything here as even they are captured and outmaneuvered. There aren’t any bright spots to raise the film up from the lower levels and you can do better with even the average horror film. Now that’s saying something since the whole genre tends to be on the lower side. That’s just how bad this film was. You can absolutely pull off a jerk main character but in that case I need a more satisfying ending for him. It felt like this guy wasn’t intended to be written like an antagonist, even though he absolutely was one. Never forget that the entire murder spree was 100% his fault. The Baron had been trapped by an immortal spell to suffer forever thanks to a witch and Peter ruined it just for kicks.

Overall 1/10

Hellboy Review

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It’s definitely been a long while since I’ve seen his one. The original Hellboy film was definitely a fun one and it’s the kind of random superhero film that you don’t see too much of. It kind of just throws you into a pretty big universe of characters and demons running around without trying to smooth it over with the general audience. You either like what they are going for right away or you don’t. There isn’t a whole lot of in between there and that works for me.

The film starts off during World War II with the Nazis trying to open some kind of portal to summon demons. The heroes stop them but find that a small demon has already gone through. He seems harmless enough and so they take him in. The demon is dubbed Hellboy and many years later, has become one of the best fighters in the BPRD. He is essentially immortal or at least has a long life as well as natural super strength and defenses. It’s good to have him on the side of the heroes although there are skeptics that think he should not be there. Some just don’t trust demons.

Well, that is where John comes in. He’s been transferred to help out at this unit as well as be Hellboy’s sidekick. Hellboy isn’t thrilled about this and gets even more upset when Tom appears to begin getting a crush on Liz, the girl that Hellboy likes. Now we have a bit of a rivalry when there isn’t time for one. The Nazi who fell into the portal has been revived along with his main two associates. They intend to continue their plans and Hellboy may be the only person on the planet who can stop them. Is he up to the task?

Now the subplot with Hellboy being upset at John is probably meant in part to be a bit irrational but I actually found myself being on his side. John did see to be trying to make a play while Liz was distracted by her never ending grief and so it was good that Hellboy was there to (literally) throw a rock into those plans. Ultimately it did mean he was away from the base when the villains arrived, but I’m not confident that he would have arrived in time anyway.

Hellboy is a solid lead, someone who is always ready for danger. He definitely doesn’t fear any kind of a threat of challenge and has a lot of confidence in his abilities. Perhaps his confidence does actually outweigh his abilities at times but I will always take that over being underconfident. Hellboy is one of those old school fighters who does a lot of solid posturing while winning the fight. He even has a giant gun that is useless 99% of the time but he still brings it to every mission to fire off a few shots.

Liz is a character who is rather tragic because her flame abilities are incredibly powerful but she has next to no mastery over them. They can go off at any point and often destroy tons of civilians when these outbursts happen. I give the film props for not shying away from that. There’s no quick mention about how everyone evacuated at the last second. No, she’s brought whole buildings down and lots of people have died which is why she is worried now. Definitely very valid.

In a way it does feel like the agency could have handled the situation a lot better instead of just leaving her to her own devices. Ah well, I look forward to seeing her in a more confident state in the sequel. We also have Abe helping the others as the resident mental specialist of the group. Unfortunately he really can’t fight very well so any action scene inevitably leads to him getting absolutely crushed. He was really not prepared for these fighters. Seems like a nice enough guy but you could basically write him out of the film.

As for John, he’s okay. The guy isn’t the most helpful but he does try his best. I do think he was fishy around Liz but other than that he is a decent member to the group. He doesn’t act completely shocked about every little twist which I’m glad about since some humans really overplay their hand in these films. Even if you never knew that demons existed for example, as an FBI agent you should be able to bluff pretty well.

The villains were surprisingly solid here. Kroenen is an experienced assassin who fights with a short blade at all times. He takes out quite a number of fighters in this film and what makes him scary is how he essentially cannot die. He is functionally immortal and will just keep on getting back up over and over again. A super soldier who does not tire, yes that is a fantastic premise for a villain.

Then we have the Sammael creature which also has a hard time dying. It gives Hellboy a really tough fight here. Technically Hellboy tends to always be the underdog in these fights but his endurance keeps him alive long enough to mount a comeback. I liked the design for the creature. Rasputin is a little more on the generic side. Nothing particularly wrong with him but he really has a hard time standing out. He also didn’t plan things out well in the end to put it mildly. The girl who was helping him never really got a role either.

That leads us to the best character in the film, Tom. Tom is one of those guys who just can’t stand demons. There are no exceptions for him and of course that means he doesn’t like Hellboy either. He takes a lot of shots at the demon and makes his voice known. Although this does result in Tom having to run away with his tail between his legs on multiple occasions. He can talk as tough as he wants after all but at the end of the day he is still just a human. He ends up burying the hatchet with Hellboy later on though.

The effects for the film have aged well and I also enjoyed the fights. They could be rather lengthy at times and the pacing is always quick. The film has the characters dealing a lot of damage to each other but never goes too far or feels particularly graphic. For the most part it’s your standard action film kind of action right here.

Overall, Hellboy is a fun film. It’s the kind of movie that ends before you really know it. It has no concrete weaknesses and keeps on moving forward with a very balanced approach. I would definitely recommend it to anyone looking for a fun action film and the universe around it is fun enough where you may even be tempted to pick up a few of the comics. The romance can be a bit on the weaker side as there isn’t much time to develop it, but we’ll see how the sequel handles that. It’ll be difficult for the next villains to pass this group.

Overall 7/10

Satellite in the Sky Review

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It’s time for a sci-fi film that is a whole lot more low key than you may have suspected. As a result it can struggle to hold your attention at times even though it is fairly well written. The characters aren’t bad or anything but at the same time you do feel like some of the turnarounds are a bit too quick. Mainly the dynamic with the main heroine and the main character but I’ll get into that in a minute. So if you’re up for a low key film about space, then this could be the one for you.

The film starts off with Britain announcing their great Stardust spaceship. It is such a modern design that it will be able to travel in space indefinitely. Captain Michael and his crew are ready but Kim the reporter has a lot of choice words about this. She thinks exploring space is an absolute waste and keeps talking about how the rockets and science are too dangerous. It’s a fool’s game and all that. Now she’s welcome to her opinion but it goes a bit far when she sneaks aboard as a stowaway. That could have thrown everything off with weight limits and all.

Additionally, she is still quick to be flirting with Michael and the two of them hit it off. The tough talk feels like a weak front and the banter while fun, also feels fake. How would this be working out when Kim is insulting everything Michael stands for? They fight a whole lot but I guess all the insults just bounce off. The romance doesn’t make any sense and I don’t know why we needed it when there are two other romance plots going on here with the other passengers on the plane. The film certainly was not lacking in drama.

The biggest drama here is actually that the U.S. steps in to announce that they’ve covertly hijacked the mission to test a bomb. It was a quiet takeover since the U.S. funded the research and it was definitely a good power move. The main characters didn’t like it but ultimately fell into line rather quickly. They knew that otherwise there would be no space trip and they had been prepping for a long time for this mission.

Likewise, as the audience we were waiting a long time for this because it’s not until about halfway through the film that the characters even leave the Earth. I like a good setup as much as the next guy but I was expecting quicker pacing than that. The film is taking itself extremely seriously and I dare say that was a mistake. It might sound counterintuitive, but for a sci-fi film I’m going to be most interested in any issues that occur in outer space.

I think you could have cut some of the general scenes on Earth like one guy fighting with his girlfriend because she had to go to work and couldn’t make their date. He completely overreacted there by the way since he essentially admitted he would have done the same thing if his job suddenly called him in. So why should he be so upset at her for that? He barely even apologies a instead he calls her about a ring and that’s their big reconciliation scene but he needed to be more upfront on owning up to the fact that he made a mistake.

What probably makes the film feel a bit off is how there is no real antagonist here. Yeah you could say the government as a whole would fit that bill but it’s not really played out that way. Yeah the scientists are annoyed about having to work on a bomb but it’s not as if they think the government is suddenly evil. You don’t have the classic saboteur with a gun or anything like that. So the main conflict is when the characters have to find a way to safely jettison the bomb without everyone blowing up. Ultimately it is the power of science that is able to solve this issue. It’s fitting enough but not super exciting.

The film just abruptly ends when they solve the issue. I’m always up for a quick finisher but it does underscore that the characters weren’t really interesting enough to see how their stories ended. I would have liked to see if there was any blowback to the USA doing secret stuff in Britain’s experiment or if that would have just continued to be expertly covered up.

So this film will have its main appeal if you go into it expecting a slice of life. Travelling into space may not exactly be routine but it’s sort of treated that way. Everyone involved in the voyage is a professional aside from the reporter and so they’re rather relaxed about the whole journey. Kim makes sure to try and stress them out but rarely ends up succeeding. I can’t emphasize enough that if you’re looking for an exciting film you will need to look elsewhere. However, if you are looking for a calm experience then this will be up your alley.

Overall, This film ends up falling right in the middle for me. It’s not funny or thrilling enough for it to have any replay value and so I wouldn’t really be recommending it to anyone. On the other hand it doesn’t really make any mistakes and the writing is good on its own. So that’s why it ends up just being one of those films that will be forgotten in short order. Not making any mistakes is a solid start but you also have to have some individual strengths as a film to really make people want to watch it. If you’re going to do a very serious film about what it’s like to travel in space, then you have to punch up the writing a bit with extremely likable characters. Kim actually could have been that character if you just shredded the romance subplot. Have her try to sabotage the mission or just constantly making fun of everyone and then you have a solid antagonist right there.

Overall 5/10

Paradise Canyon Review

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It’s time for the last of the John Wayne films in this marathon. This one has a bit of a larger cast than usual thanks to everyone from the medicine show. It’s a pretty fun way to end things and John has a fun time trolling everyone as per usual. He is always ready for a fight and is the smartest guy around. I’d also say the film is going for even more of a comedic spin than some of the other installments

The film starts off with John being tasked with a mission to stop all the counterfeit money being produced in a nearby town. He dashes over and a medicine show will be a good cover so he helps out a group that was on the run from the sheriff. This group is not the most professional so it could be risky but John knows he will have to take some risks here. After all the villains are led by Curly Joe, one of the most dangerous outlaws out there!

One thing that will probably annoy you right from the start is how John is protecting Doc and his travelling band of scammers. Yes, it will help him get into town and keep a low profile but these guys are actually con artists. Doc apparently gets dunk so regularly that his daughter isn’t even surprised anymore. He’s apparently promised her dozens and dozens of times that he would stop and yet instead he still gets disorderly and skips out on the bill.

Yes, the characters are played for comic relief but they’re still crooks. Doc should have found another way to get into town. Even to the end Doc never ends up being a good character but he is a fun antagonist if you view him that way. He even goes out of his way to antagonize the cops once he is right outside of the state lines. Definitely not something you would respect out of a more reputable character. The pair of thieves who work as his assistants are hardly any better either.

As for Linda, she’s mainly here for the inevitable romance plot. There’s not much development there, it’s just around to tick off a few boxes. As for Curly Joe, he’s fun enough. He stands out more than some of the other western villains. The guy knows that bribery is the only chance he’s really got against John once the hero gets serious. Ultimately it’s all for naught for him but the guy was doing well with his criminal enterprise for a long while so he did still know what he was doing.

John is a fun main character even if he had to compromise on his morals for a while there in order to get things working. At the end of the day he still saved everybody and really showed the villains who was boss. Curly may not have made the best sales pitch but it was still good to see John shut him down right away and even delivered some more good one liners.

As always, one of the things that really helps make these films so much fun are all of the one liners. You can expect witty dialogue across the board throughout the films. This one is no exception as everyone is rather overconfident and of course the script is good. I definitely miss these kinds of old school films for that reason. The songs can use a little work and temporarily slow down the pacing during the show but I guess the film anted to squeeze at least one show in.

The overall soundtrack is definitely iconic to me after I’ve seen so many of these though. Then the fight scenes also aged well with the good hand to hand fights as well as a little gun action. John is always able to come out on top. The pacing is good which goes without saying since the film is under an hour long. It’s not particularly hard to move at a fast pace when that’s your runtime after all. Technically the last maybe 15-20 minutes are all for the long climax so the film has its priorities straight.

Overall, Paradise Canyon is a pretty good film. The title itself doesn’t feel like it has much to do with the film at all but I suppose they just wanted a catchy title that is easy to remember. It definitely works in that respect. There isn’t a lot for me to say to really make this stand out from the others so I would just say that if you enjoy John Wayne films then you’ll like this one as well. This movie has it all, the classic frame up job, John taking on numerous enemies, long horse chase scenes, etc. They manage to squeeze all of this into under an hour as well. Now if you don’t like the old western setting or want to see something a bit more unique, then that’s the only reason to skip this one.

Overall 7/10

Audrey Rose Review

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This is one of those films that can only happen if all of the characters are as passive as possible. They are continually not standing up to the situation and so the things deteriorate. The film tends to be on the annoying side as several characters act really crazy but nobody really does anything about it. I wouldn’t have been surprised if Bill had completely crashed out in the courtroom because to an extent it would have been justified.

The film starts off by introducing us to Bill and Janice who live a normal life with their daughter Ivy. Unfortunately a weird man has been stalking them for a while now and they quickly realize that he is mainly stalking their daughter Ivy. One day Janice is in a car crash so this man named Hoover takes the chance to meet with Ivy and then has dinner with the parents. He explains that he thinks Ivy is the reincarnated soul of his own daughter who died in a tragic car accident and so he intends to keep on meeting with Ivy. Bill says this is crazy but the cops can’t help since nobody has been hurt yet. Unfortunately Janice thinks that Hoover may be right and so Bill will not have to find a way to stop Hoover while also watching out for his own wife.

Janice is easily the most annoying character here because of how quick she was to believe Hoover. He starts talking crazy for a few minutes and she immediately thinks that he may be on to something. We learn that Ivy has had crazy episodes on her birthday for a long time now and this would track with the date that Hoover’s daughter died but that’s still a rather big stretch to go through here. Janice immediately ignores how weird it was to have Hoover following her for so long and even invites him up to her apartment to help Ivy through one of the episodes.

Hoover is able to help Ivy each time but this feels like an awful big chance considering his intentions. Also just letting a crazy guy into your house is basically asking for trouble. Then even after Hoover kidnaps Ivy to go to his place, Janice is quick to side with him here. She completely betrays Bill in court and does seem willing to let Hoover keep the kid. She really closed off any chance for her and Bill to come to terms here. They were just way too far apart and she gave up her kid too quickly.

Janice is panicking for most of the film so she doesn’t always make a lot of sense but she made all of the mistakes possible. I’d also say that Ivy looks pretty bad here since she is soundly defeated by the spirit of the other girl. She seems to have no mental defenses here as she crawls into fire and burns herself at several points just because the other girl forced her to. Can Ivy not fight on her own? I get that in these possession type of films that always tends to be the case but it can be annoying. In this film the opponent is another girl who was around the same age. This should not be as hard as usual.

As for Hoover, well the guy seems nutty from the start. He drank the Kool-Aid real fast and then didn’t choose the best way to make an impression on the family. In this film the whole reincarnation thing appears to be true so then he should have found a better way to break the news. The way he did it would make anyone think he was insane. Honestly the best way to get close would be to own a nearby business or become a teacher but that isn’t as easy as it looks. So in that case, rent a nearby room and try to be a good neighbor. Or just meet up with the family and talk rather than stalking. It would have been hard to have made a worst first impression.

As for Bill, he definitely doesn’t plan to be very agreeable right from the start of the film but I don’t blame him. This is his daughter we’re talking about and Hoover effectively wants to take her away or be a second parent. No way he could let that fly. Hoover also continually refers to Ivy as Janice’s daughter as well as his and leaves Bill out of this. Unfortunately Bill isn’t very strong and easily loses to Hoover in every confrontation.

It was not a good look there and it was also crazy that Bill forgot his own apartment has a back entrance that is unlocked. I know it was a tense moment but how do you forget that? I was definitely rooting for Bill in the court case. Yeah a lot of weird stuff was going on and perhaps Bill could have handled some things better but on the whole he was doing what he could. He was prioritizing his daughter which is the only choice that makes sense in this situation.

The film doesn’t even have a satisfying ending so that definitely ensured that this was not going to be a very positive film. You’ve got a mostly annoying cast of characters with a kid who has absolutely no idea what was going on and then you couldn’t even stick the landing. This is definitely not a film that will stand the test of time as I would say it hasn’t even aged well up to this point. It’s not particularly scary either, just more on the annoying side.

Overall, This is a film that I would recommend skipping. On the whole I’ve never been all into possession films and this one is no exception. Not even the courtroom scene could save it, although I was glad that it was there. It was nice to see the rest of the world a bit although I would have liked to have seen what the jury made of all this. I like to think that they all thought Hoover was super crazy but Janice turning sides would have definitely hurt the situation quite a bit. It would have all been more interesting than the main plot. A good ending could have at least helped things out but ultimately there was to be no saving grace for this film.

Overall 3/10

And Soon The Darkness Review

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It’s time for a film that really reminds you to follow common sense and to be careful when travelling in a strange land. There are all kinds of things that can go wrong when you’re in unfamiliar territory after all and that becomes apparent very quickly. Unfortunately the film is going to rather extreme methods to point this out and the film quickly ends up going for the low hanging fruit here. Certainly one relying on cheap tension to keep you at the edge of your seat and so that’s not going to be a winning strategy.

The movie starts by introducing us to Jane and Cathy who are biking across France. They don’t really speak much French but this seemed like a fun way to spend the holidays. Unfortunately Cathy wants to take a break in the middle of nowhere and the two were already off the beaten path. Jane points out what a terrible idea this is as it will be dark out pretty soon but Cathy doesn’t care and goes back to sleep. Jane is forced to go on without her and sure enough, Cathy vanishes and is presumed dead. Jane doesn’t want to give up on her but night is approaching soon and a mysterious guy keeps on following her. This feels like trouble.

I am going to blame Cathy for a lot of this right from the start because she was being completely unreasonable. You can’t just decide to go to sleep when the place is already dangerous. That doesn’t make any sense and she resists all of Jane’s efforts to make her get up. So when Jane eventually leaves I could not blame her because staying there would have just resulted in both of them being dead. Yeah leaving your friend is always rough but it’s not like Jane could physically force her to get up. That would be an even fight at best and then you have to drive both of them with the bikes.

Cathy also didn’t seem to have much of a sense for danger with how she was encouraging the weird stalker throughout the opening. You probably want to be keeping your distance at that point instead of thinking about how cool he looked. So yeah she played every part of this as badly as possible and definitely made Jane’s life a whole lot harder.

As for Jane, she was a good friend the whole time. She went out of her way to try and help Cathy by taking a lot of risks and doubling back to find her. Jane would have been all the way to safety immediately if she hadn’t had to go back. Jane also studied so she knows at least a little bit of French which helps out. It may not be enough to speak the language but she can tell when a translator is lying about what is going on at least. Ultimately she was much sharper about her surroundings and wouldn’t make anything easy for the villain.

As for the mysterious guy, Paul, well he definitely does a terrible job of trying to look normal. He tends to be very quiet for large parts of the film and when he speaks it is always to say something that just makes him look more suspicious. I can’t forget how he asked Jane if she wanted to search deep in the woods with him during their first real conversation. That’s something only a possible serial killer would say right? Throughout the film we learn about how he’s lying to her on several occasions and in the past another woman was murdered around this spot.

The film very much enjoys its misdirects and twists but does so in a very low effort way. Basically it makes people act very suspiciously and in ways that do not make sense in order to help trick the audience. So it’s basically cheating by that point and will have you shaking your head. There is a very small cast here so you’ll probably see through it pretty quickly but it doesn’t help make the experience any better.

Meanwhile of course the film would immediately not be satisfied with just murdering the heroes and so the threat is very quickly escalated into being more than that. So now as the audience you have to hope that even if Jean dies, at least it’s quick because the motive for the villain is going to be rough. It’s what I would call cheap tension here. The film isn’t confident that it can actually make you nervous on the basis of the writing or characters so it has to add on extra elements.

The villain gets away with a bit too much here and I definitely wouldn’t have minded missing out on the details. Even the climax of the film has to go on with this rather than just having a quick fight. Yeah this movie was definitely doomed and it’s a very dreary affair. There aren’t many lighthearted moments ere at all and the film’s pacing isn’t always great. They don’t translate any of the dialogue in order to help you experience how lost the main heroine is. I understand the goal here narratively but it also means there are just more scenes that are effectively gibberish.

The film will also probably hit harder for people who have ever been tempted to do something like this. Biking across the country as a way to explore the unknown does not interest me in the slightest. It’s not something I would ever want to do and even if it was guaranteed to be safe, it’s just not my cup of tea.

Overall, This is one of those films that definitely feels rather mean spirited. It’s definitely collecting all the things that can go wrong if you wander into the wrong area but you don’t really need a whole film about that. A simple disappearance or getting lost in an unknown territory could make for a good suspense film. Once you add in the threats of being assaulted by creeps and other elements like that, then it just feels like one of those cheap thrillers you might come across on TV. It’s not a film that is seriously trying to impress you with a good message or anything like that. I would definitely say to avoid this one as much as possible.

Overall 1/10

The Rage: Carrie 2 Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for the return of Carrie. Unfortunately this film is definitely no good and tries too hard to be like the first one which is not a good idea. The only real amusing part here is that the main character looks like a debater that I’ve seen on Youtube a handful of times, but that’s really it. This one just embraces being real mean spirited the whole time and never actually gets good. The whole climax also revolves around the main character not really being very smart.

The film focuses around a girl named Rachel who isn’t a super big people person. She tends to be very goth and her best friend is the most social one. Unfortunately her friend destroys herself after being used by her boyfriend. Most of the guys in this school are unfortunately bad people as they keep score of who they get with and it’s all a game. Unfortunately they all tend to have high scores so there is a lack of morals on both sides. To be clear though, the guys get more blame on this for starting such a terrible game in the first place.

One guy in the group named Jesse begins to like Rachel so he tells the others to back off but they don’t plan on stopping. Rachel’s friend may have taken a photo of the two of them together before she passed and so now they want to scare Rachel into submission before she does something that can ruin their chances of winning the big football game. So they aim to take her down but what they don’t realize is that she has supernatural powers capable of slaughtering an entire town. Will Rachel be able to stop these guys?

That is ultimately the main problem here, this is just a slightly altered version of Carrie. Initially Rachel isn’t the one being bullied, but that ends up happening to her anyway. There is one person who is sympathetic to her (Jesse) but he isn’t in a position to help anyway. It just follows the first film to a T and it’s not like that one got a particularly good score. This one proceeds to double down though like randomly having Rachel’s dog get hit by a car. She’s also brought up by two abusive foster parents who don’t even pretend to like her, they just like the money that comes in for looking after her.

Another problem which I alluded to in the beginning is that the film relies on Rachel not having any common sense. Lets look at the series of events her. Rachel’s best friend dies, all of the guys start to bully and terrify her constantly. Suddenly, all the cool girls in school who never liked Rachel invite her to a big party and all the guys will be there to apologize. Why would Rachel honestly think this is on the up and up? It’s probably the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen.

That sounds like a good way to be vanished if we’re being honest here. Going to a rowdy school party after hours where there will be no supervision? Yeah that’s a bad idea. Even if on the off chance they were being legit, that would not be enough reason to go. You’re just asking for trouble at that point. Alas, it goes about as you would expect as they mess with her for a while until she is eventually able to take them down. It just takes way too long for her to get these abilities activated.

The whole humiliation scene as they put her on the big screen and everybody’s laughing just reminds you how none of the characters are likable. They’ve all got to go and so you’re not particularly upset when Rachel starts destroying everyone. Yeah, not all of the kids were super guilty in there. While I doubt any of them were all that good, just hanging around a bad crowd doesn’t mean you deserve the death penalty. It’s particularly rough for the lady who was trying to reunite Rachel with her mother because she gets taken out without even being able to say anything. The actual mother also looks pretty bad but she was literally crazy so I guess that’s to be expected.

The film would have just been so much better if Rachel could actively use her powers and it could have been framed as a foil to what happened with Carrie. Rachel would instead be ready to do what she needed to do. Also I’m not really going to let Jesse off the hook here. I’m glad that he would defend Rachel but it doesn’t change the fact that he hung out with such a terrible group of people for so long. I would also say he needed to break things off with the other girl much more officially and obviously he shouldn’t go to her house where she is going to try some things.

He put himself in all of the worst positions and also came off as naive when he started falling for what the bullies were selling as well. As someone more or less on the inside he definitely should have sensed that this was a trap. He gets off easier than the rest, albeit he will have to live with daily jump scares. That’s just the price of surviving an evet like this.

The ending is rather weak though. As far as jump scares go, it may be one of the weakest that I’ve seen. Seriously there is just nothing impressive about it and barely even works as a twist ending. So it’s ultimately a pretty pointless moment. They may as well have brought back the comedic music from when the mother escaped the asylum.

The film isn’t too violent for the most part but it certainly makes up for lost time with the ending. That part gets extremely violent for the entire duration of the scene. So you’ll want to watch out for that. Mix that in with some fanserivce from all the affairs for the game the guys were plying and this was really a recipe for disaster. The film goes out of its way to make everyone super unlikable and it really succeeds. Even most of the adults ultimately fall before the power of bribes and politics. It really makes for a jaded experience.

Overall, I recommend skipping this one unless you really don’t mind sitting through an intensely mean spirited film. Everything that could go wrong for Rachel certainly did here and ultimately it’s not like the ending helps her out either. We do get a big twist (That you might have gotten spoiled on from the opening scene) that helps to explain the powers but it’s not like that does anything to save the experience for you. This needed to be a superhero origin story or something to have at least given you some hope for future installments.

Overall 1/10

House of the Dead Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

House of the Dead is one of those films that’s very infamous. It doesn’t have a whole lot of big defenders to be honest. Mostly it just gets a lot of mocking and you can see why. The film is definitely not taking things very seriously and some aspects like the music are definitely not general audience friendly. Ultimately it is a bad film but I dare say it does manage to defeat the average horror flick.

The movie starts with someone reminiscing about how things were before all of his friends were murdered. We then flash back to the actual movie which is always a very annoying way to start a movie. Why even let us know that one of the characters is going to live through this? Well, there’s a big rave taking place on the island of the dead but a few teenagers were running late so they missed the boat. They’re forced to pay an extremely high price to hitch a ride with the only boat left in town. The captain’s first mate isn’t particularly nice and the captain is certainly not making things easy but this party is a once in a lifetime event. The problem is when they get there, all of the people are gone. Instead there are only hordes of zombies. Can the heroes manage to take them down??

You may be wondering what happened to the house. Well, that appears near the end of the film but really this should have been called the Island of the Dead. Most of the film is really about them trying to survive on that island while they are attacked by endless rounds of zombies. The heroes fortunately are able to get their hands on guns and other weapons with which to defend themselves. It’s really the only way to fight back and they manage to get pretty good at using them.

Where the film is probably going to lose some people is when it becomes a full on action. Once the heroes get their weapons, this very quickly stops being a horror film and quickly leans into the action all the way. We get a ton of slow mo scenes and a very extended fight where the heroes are shredding all of the zombies. I didn’t have a problem with the length but the slow motion effect does get old rather quickly. The long fight is still the best part of the film though. I’ll take an action over a horror any day after all. There is a little plot armor in how the humans are faring so well here though.

The film is very inconsistent about how physically strong the zombies are as well as their speed. It all appears to just be at the level that it needs to be for the scene. The scene transitions are also a bit too random with all of the video game clips randomly showing up. It could have been fun once or twice but it happens very frequently with no real rhyme or reason to it. Definitely not the way to go here.

Meanwhile the soundtrack is actually very good for most of the film. There is a lot of good rock themes as well as just generally fast tunes which really fit in well with all of the fighting. That’s something that has actually aged really well so I appreciated that. The visuals can be rather hit or miss but I did enjoy the choreography for the battles. One character actually knows martial arts and gets to pummel several characters that way.

While most of the characters are annoying teenagers, I did really enjoy the boat captain. He was at least trying to make sense of what was going on here and also didn’t show any fear. He was particularly impressive in his very first encounter with a zombie because he just casually shot it while still smoking his cigarette. That takes a lot of guts right there. He was also the reason the others even had weapons with which to fight the zombies so without him they would have all been dead very quickly.

I also enjoyed the policewoman because she was smart enough to put aside her beef with the captain to fight against the zombies. I know some lesser characters who wouldn’t have adapted like that. She did really well in her fights as well and ultimately only got held back by the others and the ammo starting to run low. It does make sense that with all of the shooting they were doing, they would eventually run out of bullets.

This film didn’t really need a main villain though. An endless horde of zombies is already scary enough right? Well, we do get a mastermind at the end and he even gets an origin story. The scenes just make everyone else look bad because there is one moment where he goads a guard into getting close enough to destroy him. Whenever someone loses to a guy who is fully chained up, I’m going to have some problems there.

There also isn’t much to this villain. He just craves violence and got immortality. It’s not like he has any kind of a master plan or anything. He just does whatever he wants and that’s not exactly a recipe for success. He does put up a good fight in the end but it’s barely even a consolation because he should have won that fight. Losing just makes him look even less impressive.

Naturally it goes without saying as a zombie film that this one can be pretty violent. You have a ton of characters getting slashed and destroyed during the mayhem. So if you’re not big on all of that then this would be a reason to stay away. It might have slightly more restraint than other zombie films as it doesn’t usually dwell on the deaths but yeah the violence is still at a high level here.

Overall, This film had some good ideas but could not land the execution. While I enjoyed some of the adult characters like the captain and the policewoman, there was nothing good to be said about the teens. The fact that some of them didn’t even care when the rave was empty just shows that they aren’t the smartest characters in the bunch. Any semblance of romance here just feels obligatory as none of the characters seem mature enough for it and they take too long to get serious about this. Of course if you’re planning to go to a Rave on an island in the middle of nowhere, I’d argue that your moral compass may already be in a rather dicey spot. You should only check this film out if you reallllly like zombie fighting and even then you will have to sit through a bit of a slow first half before the zombies even appear.

Overall 3/10

Cape Fear Review

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It’s time for one of those films that makes you wish the main character was someone different. The whole film revolves around the main character not being willing to make the tough calls until it’s nearly too late whereas other leads could have ended this really early. The film even stacks the deck by having the lead be friends with the chief of police along with having a super long, clean record. Yeah there were definitely ways to avoid the fallout that ensues and I dare say it would have been a much better movie as well.

The film starts with Sam working on another case when an ex convict shows up. This guy’s name is Max and he’s pretty upset because Sam is the one who put him away for a long time a while back. Unfortunately, Max was let go after only 8 years due to good behavior. That’s not good news for Sam because this guy is completely unrepentant and wants to take his revenge. He basically tells Sam that he’s going to take down his wife and daughter. Sam has an easy out here, he could murder Max. However, doing so would tarnish his social reputation. So in that case…what can he do?

Well, the answer should be clear here, he’s gotta take this guy down. Sam knows that it’s no bluff since this guy was put away once already. It’s not like he’s just trying to scare Sam. So I would argue that Sam has a moral duty to go as far as he can in order to protect his family. This is a fairly seedy town to the point where there are gangs running around who can be hired to beat people up. So in that case you dispose of Max and cover it up along with the help of the locals, the cops, or just do it yourself and don’t tell anybody.

There are a lot of methods for this but the main point is that you can take care of the villain and hide the evidence. Sam is too worried about doing things by the book here and that just puts everyone in danger. Before the film is over Max gets at least two more victims and also really traumatizes both the daughter and the wife. Yes, he was stopped but it was at a really high cost and Sam cut things really close.

Sam did hire a gang to help out at one point but that was still the half hearted approach. I mean, he couldn’t have known that they would all be defeated but that’s why you gotta do the job personally. To their credit, the cops at least do as much as they can to protect Sam. There’s just going to be an obvious limit to what they can do here. Especially in an official capacity.

I would say Sam’s wife also comes across as looking very naive here. For a good chunk of the film she isn’t taking the situation quite as seriously like when she lost sight of the daughter or when she tells Sam that he better not even think of murdering Max. She’s acting like this isn’t life or death stakes and doesn’t really change her tune until the very end of the film. It was definitely more than a little annoying because this concerns her just as much as it does Sam. In some ways more since she is one of the active targets.

Naturally Max is one of those villains who isn’t made to be likable so pretty much any scene with that guy is going to be super annoying. He’s always very smug because his opponents are going to be pushovers here. He keeps on pushing Sam because he knows that nothing is going to happen and so you’re just waiting for the tides to turn but it takes a really long time to get to that point. You’ll be shaking your head the whole time.

Of course this kind of plot is always going to limit how good the film can be and unfortunately it takes the low road at each opportunity. If Max was just aiming to murder the family that would be one thing but he wants to do more than that and he has a history of it as well. He also gets another lady midway through the film and so he ends up getting away with way too much. That kind of Sword Art Online plot is always going to doom any movie with it. It means this film’s going to make for a very dreary watch the whole time.

It’s going for easy tension with the threats of what could happen which always comes at the expense of a good time. The fact that the villain gets as far as he does only serves to further hurt the experience. Additionally, the film wasn’t satisfied with just doing that and so of course we have to have the death of a dog in here as well. It’s just one of those things where you can immediately tell that this is the kind of film that will go there. The villain obviously has no qualms about it and unfortunately the heroes aren’t able to watch the dog at all times. So you have to watch as Sam doesn’t do anything about this because he’s legally stuck once again.

I know you wouldn’t have much of a film if he acted quickly but that would have made so much more sense. Even at the bar when Sam was being threatened, you could just shoot him there and explain that he was reaching for the gun or something. If there was ever a time to commit a crime, this would be it. You commit one to save your family and you have the knowledge that they will be safe. At the very least this film is a good example of what not to do if you’re ever in a situation like this. Sam also talks about how leaving isn’t an option but honestly if you aren’t going to fight, it’s worth a shot. This was in the days before advanced technology after all so you would have much better odds of vanishing than you would otherwise. It’s not the best strategy but it’s better than doing nothing right?

Overall, Cape Fear is definitely the kind of film I’d highly advise you to avoid at all costs. It goes out of its way to step into every cinematic pitfall possible and it doesn’t even have any real positives to fight against this. You probably can’t cobble together 10 minutes of happy moments because there is always the underlining threat that is looming. The heroes keep letting themselves be backed into a corner throughout the movie and the ending isn’t the most satisfying. Yeah one character is trying to get the ultimate win here but at the same time you can’t help but think that he will now have to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his life. It’s not like that would have saved the film at all but I still would have enjoyed a more positive ending.

Overall 1/10

Final Destination 5 Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Final Destination is back once again to remind you that the heroes never stood a chance! This one at least ties back to the original compared to the last stand alone one but in the end it is a marginal victory at best. This is not the kind of film that is going to end up ranking for you at all as it is still suffering from all of the usual issues. It feels bad, but what can you do right? At least we do have a big fight scene here against an opponent who can actually be stopped.

The film starts off with Sam and his coworkers all heading into the company bus. Sam has been slacking off at work and his friend/supervisor Peter gives him a warning. Unfortunately they are all brutally murdered on the bridge as the whole thing collapses. Things were not supposed to go like this and so they all have regrets. Well, there was one survivor, Molly. Sam was able to save her at the last second but then he wakes up right before the accident happened. This time he saves a handful of them but the coroner shows up to remind them that Death’s going to slay them all one by one. Sam doesn’t want to die, but how can he stop it? The cast are given one clue, they can murder someone to switch destinies with but that would make them no matter than a common criminal. What should they do?

Now obviously this is Death’s rigged game so do you think murdering someone would actually let you off the hook? The film makes sure to answer that question and it should come as absolutely no surprise to anyone. The whole point of these films is that Death just wants an excuse to mess with a bunch of people for no real reason. The coroner acts like Death is upset but no it’s all part of the game and I bet this guy is in on it. I like how smug he always is as he warns the characters of their impending demise. Not because there’s some way for them to get out of this, but because there is no escape. They are doomed to all die violent deaths.

Poor Sam seems like a reasonable character. He’s not particularly noteworthy or anything but at least he’s trying to help out and do the right thing. I would argue that he can appear to be dangerously naive at times though. In particular the scene that calls out to me is when a drunk Peter appears at the entrance of his restaurant in the dead of night. This guy has been acting rather crazy and violent for a while now and you really think it’s a social call? Naturally it’s not and that takes us to the next life or death moment. It just feels like that’s a point where you need to already be ready to fight and he seemed shocked by the whole thing.

The same thing is true for Molly who is very slow to react to Peter’s long speech about those who don’t deserve death. It was pretty clear what he was driving at there but she didn’t put the pieces together. It’s the little things like this which meant that the heroes would have a harder time surviving. Sure, they can’t beat Death but perhaps they can at least beat the human antagonist running around right?

Of course I have no real sympathy for Peter. Yeah he got a raw deal with what happened to his girlfriend and it was particularly brutal but jumping into murdering other people is immediately a step too far. He needed to rage against the system, like find a way to defeat Death, not take it out on the other victims. He just went crazy too quickly. It’s not surprising and unfortunately it’s probably realistic that a good amount of people would do that but it certainly hurts him as a character.

As always the film has an issue with being over the top violent. All of the deaths are pretty intense and definitely are ones you will want to avoid if you aren’t big on violence. The deaths continue to do their best to top the previous films and while it’s hard to say if they succeed or not as it gets relative after a while, they certainly do their best. The special effects are certainly out there.

I will give the film credit for probably having the best of the shock endings. You sort of see where it’s going as soon as the scene starts out. I would argue that the main characters look a bit naive here. I was half expecting Sam to say something like: “Wow what’s wrong with that guy? Lol” Now granted, the film tries to spin it like he didn’t hear what the guy said but after what he’s just been through, he should be taking everything 100X more seriously than usual. Ultimately it would have been futile. I know that but you gotta try to last as long as you can in these things.

Overall, This is definitely another Final Destination film. There isn’t a whole lot to it story wise and while the characters are better than in the last one, I wouldn’t say that any of them are super likable either. My favorite would either be the cop or the manager who was working with him but both of them go out in rather unfortunate ways and you were rooting for them to be able to put the pieces together. Instead, they’re really just here to spin their wheels and not actually make any real progress. The sad thing is that you could cut them out of the film and literally nothing would change. They ultimately had no impact on the film which is a real shame. This could have been something for sequels to build off of.

Overall 1/10