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Son of Lassie Review

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It’s no surprise that I didn’t really like the first Lassie movie. In fact it was pretty awful now that I think about it. It’s just not really my kind of film and the sequel is better but still pretty bad. You have the dog still getting shot and some general animal violence. It isn’t in the same level as the first film of course but why can’t we just have a happy dog film instead? That’s what the people want and most importantly, it’s what I want! Seriously just think about it, this has potential to be as big as Air Bud but instead the film ends up being more of a miss. Also more than the first film it just feels a bit aimless at times.

The movie starts off by introducing us to Laddie, the son of Lassie. This guy is really aggressive and doesn’t play by the rules. This often frustrates the Duke because Laddie messes up the flowers. Laddie’s owner Joe doesn’t really care all that much though because he correctly realizes that Laddie is just having a lot of fun. Well Joe gets drafted into war so he heads out while Laddie is to finally be trained professionally. The owners underestimate him though and Laddie travels across the country to find Joe. Looks like Laddie will be having a spot in this war after all but is it really safe for him?

I wouldn’t say the film has a huge plot beyond that though. A good chunk of the adventure is Laddie running after Joe, being taken back home, then finding him again, etc. It’s really a cycle that just keeps on going over and over again. Sure by the end we actually get to meet the enemies and Laddie gets to prove his stuff but that’s the very end of the film. For the most part it was relatively aimless until then.

Also Joe doesn’t make for a very compelling main character. Everyone’s always insulting him all the time and he typically doesn’t really notice or react. Intentionally not reacting to a diss is absolutely a good skill but the problem is that I’m not sure if he even notices so that’s not a good look there. You really need to be ready for action at all times and the digs aren’t exactly subtle either. So if you don’t recognize that then we have some problems. His lack of confidence is also huge.

He likes this one girl and she basically tells him to confess several times and it takes a lot to force it out of him. The guy’s just way too nervous and always running off. Some guys can be shy sure, but this was a bit much. You’re just cringing the whole time. The whole romance isn’t particularly good but it’s not a big part of the film anyway so I suppose it doesn’t have a huge impact. It’s just part of a bigger problem which is that any scene with Joe is brutal. The guy also had no plan when he was taken at gunpoint in the climax and Laddie had to do all the work.

I always say if it’s life or death what do you have to lose? In this case the villain is walking Joe up a cliff so that he can be shot and fall into the abyss. Joe knows that, the villain knows that, and I know that. So why would you possibly just keep walking up and wait to get shot? Lunge at the guy, go for the gun etc. What’s he gonna do…shoot you? Well that’s going to happen anyway so you might as well take a chance. It’s not like this is a scenario where you only might get shot. The guy made is clear that Joe has to be exterminated so that’s really it. You have to try and fight back while you still can. Definitely a pretty brutal moment for good ole Joe.

Still, like I said the main problem here is that the film can just be rather boring. The story can barely last 40 minutes, let alone the full length of the title. We probably should have focused more on training scenes or maybe even some military battles. You needed more plots or some kind of hook to pull this off. That being said, I was glad that Joe didn’t go with the other guy’s plan to hit Laddie. That would have been absolutely awful so in all of my bashing of the guy, he got that part right.

There’s really not a whole lot to even talk abut with this film in the end. I guess we can say there was a lot of plot armor in nobody being able to stop Laddie from travelling cross country each time. You’d think the characters would learn and keep the leash on each time but Laddie was always a few steps ahead of them. I would have liked the Duke to have appeared more since he’s always the most enjoyable character but he doesn’t do a whole lot here after the intro scenes. Lassie herself also doesn’t have a big role.

Having her step in to save the day would have been a clever way to get some excitement in here. Actually it’ such a great idea that I’m surprised they didn’t do it. Lassie doesn’t have any of the huge pivotal roles you would expect from the old main character appearing in the sequel. It’d be like if Naruto didn’t do much in Boruto or if Goku was slacking off in Super. Lassie should still be the one making a big play now and then even if Laddie is the one with the final moment.

Overall, Son of Lassie is just not a very interesting film. Mix in the animal violence and it was really out of its depth. I think there is probably a great film mixed in there somewhere…but it’s very deep in there so that’s not going to be all that helpful tbh. In the end a dog film should be a fairly upbeat one where the dog isn’t in any danger. Sure that can be boring if handled wrong but it’s all up to the writers. Surely you should be able to make a film that is still really interesting even without that right? If you can’t…well I guess now we’ve got a real problem now don’t we?

Overall 3/10

The Net Review

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I’m going to let you in on a little secret folks. If you find out that someone is hiding a gun and manage to get your hands on it…don’t give it back to that guy. Get out of there and if you’re trapped then hang onto it! This film will constantly have you shaking your head as the main heroine acts like she is in a horror movie. It all doesn’t make any sense and you just expect better. The movie has its moments but ultimately could and should have been a whole lot better than it was. It just hasn’t aged as well as it could have.

Okay so the movie starts off with a guy destroying himself and then we cut to Angela who is a computer whiz. She knows how to remove viruses from different programs and so when there is a problem she is the first one contacted. She had a remote job before it was cool! Almost nobody even knows what she looks like as a result but hey that’s how it goes. One day one of her colleagues wants to come over to show her something but he dies in a plane crash. There’s not much else she can do about that so she hops on a plane to go on vacation! There she meets a rich guy so they immediately have an affair but it turns out that he is here to murder her! So she escapes but he has basically erased her from the world and put in a fake.

Earlier Angela let some guy steal her wallet and so now she has no form of identification and is on the run. If anyone catches her then it will be game over. Her only hope is a married guy she used to cheat with but they are up against a very experienced hacker whose abilities may even exceed theirs. His resources are also considerable since he is a part of a massive global terrorist organization. One thing’s for sure, Angela will need to watch her back on this one!

Okay so lets talk about Angela here. She makes every possible mistake and only survives this movie through an abundance of plot armor. We’ve established that she works remotely and stays at home to the point where nobody knows what she looks like. Her neighbors and even her land lady have never really seen her. So when the hacker turns to her and changes her contact ID in the federal database….there is no way for her to fight back. Literally this doesn’t work if she has some photos of her life or family who can corroborate this but she doesn’t. The guy stole her ID rather easily beforehand and she has no backups. (More understandable since this was the 90s) This is already a bit of a stretch but for now we can’t blame her all that much right?

Well she’s supposed to be a computer whiz but is extremely slow on the uptake here. So lets go back in time real quick. How did this happen? Well she went to a message board that’s a lot like Reddit and was talking about how she really needs a boyfriend. The very helpful posters asked her what she would like to see in a boyfriend and she wants a high value man. Someone very tall, wealthy, James Bond meets Captain America (in her words) and someone whose job involves helping out the world. Naturally she immediately gets doxed so when she goes on vacation a super great guy is waiting for her there. (The reason the terrorists want her is because she has a disc that can hack the entire U.S. government and every private company within the country. Yeah….don’t think about this one too hard)

Okay so the villains’ entire plan revolves around her falling in love with this guy as if she’s the most shallow person in the planet. What kind of person falls in love at first sight with someone they’ve just met right? Right……uh oh. The guy invites her on his private yacht and she immediately accepts and they have a one night stand. The whole time she explains that she never does this kind of thing but I don’t particularly believe her. Weird thing happens though….the guy runs out of stamina really fast and goes away for a drink but he left his clothes and in it was a loaded gun.

So if you’re Angela what do you do? Do you A. Keep the gun as self defense because this guy could be looney tunes? B. Throw it overboard since this seems dangerous. C. Give him back the gun and ask why he has it…..or D. Go for the immediate headshot, throw him overboard and steal all the money from his wallet? Well D’s a total crime and would make you a villain anyway but I think option A is the best bet right? Well she goes with C. The guy gives a lame excuse about how he uses it for hunting but wouldn’t you know it, Angela’s a part time hunting expert too? Haha! So she calls him out on the lie and then flexes by showing that she removed the bullets.

Unfortunately he just strangles her at this point and she dies 😦 At least that’s what would happen in 99% of instances but through plot armor she fights him off and escapes. I always say that I criticize actions regardless of outcomes though and so I have to take shots here. Giving this guy the gun back is absolute insanity. I don’t care that she took out the bullets. The film establishes that she is a computer nerd through and through. She doesn’t work out, have some kind of super powers or anything like that. He’s stronger than her by all metrics and they are alone on a yacht in the middle of the ocean.

You don’t give the guy his gun back in this circumstance! You can’t, that’s like signing your own death warrant. It’s one of the worst moves I’ve seen the heroine pull in quite a while. That was just brutal and at least things don’t get worse after that but it was just a really bad moment for her. Getting into an affair with a random stranger you just met is also pretty bad but most movie protagonists do that so I won’t dock as many points there. The rest of the film plays out mostly normal. She used to cheat with a married man named Alan and successfully broke his home as the guy got divorced but then the hackers get him next but she manages to break into the villain’s base and turn the tables. All’s well that ends well and all that.

The main villain Jack is also pretty weak here. The guy literally has numerous opportunities to take Angela down and cannot do it. Put it this way, he very clearly did not even need to hire a random pickpocket to take her wallet. She just went along with him to his private yacht for an affair at night so he had a million opportunities to murder her. There’s really nothing she would be able to do at this point and then he can grab the disc he needs to take over the world. The film has plot armor on constantly and this guy looks completely powerless for not being able to do anything. The movie shows that he actually grew to like her….sighhhhhhhhh. So that’s why he couldn’t go all out but it just means that his conviction was nonexistent.

Then we have Alan who completely forgot the role of doctor and patient in having an affair with Angela early on. At least he is single now so it’s not as bad but the damage is done. It makes it hard for you to really like the guy. The movie in general didn’t have a very strong cast even if I do like the idea of your identity being stolen and having to engage in a whole online battle to get it back. I’d have actually liked to have had the message board users get more involved in the whole battle. One of them was a bit handy at least in getting info but Angela is also supremely lucky.

Seriously one of them was already a terrorist and then she decided that they could still be trusted? She looked up the ages and everything to find their “real” identities but could she really be sure that they were accurate? Angela seemed to have no doubts about it so okay….we’ll roll with that. I will say that the icons were fun though and in general the film had good effects for all of the viruses. It’s fun to see how everything looked back then during the original days of the internet.

The movie goes by fast and the pacing is good. It does make for a fairly easy watch, you just have to be prepared to be shaking your head a lot. The movie will absolutely be throwing you for a loop most of the time. The effects are good and I do like the city backdrops the whole time. Visually the movie looks good and while some of the scenarios aren’t super realistic, on the whole the writing is okay. It doesn’t have any super big issues beyond the romance and the questionable decisions. They do keep this from being a movie that I could positively recommend but it’s far from one of the weakest titles that I’ve watched.

Overall, The Net is one of those films I can rant about for quite a while but fortunately for it, most of the issues are around plot armor and convenience. Those are he kinds of issues that don’t hurt a film’s score quite as much. That being said, the romance is just so rushed here and since it is crucial to the villain’s plan that just makes it even more egregious. If the main heroine had a little more restraint then things would have really been a whole lot different. Check it out if you’re interested in the old days of the internet but the novelty is really the main thing that the film has going for it and that doesn’t last the whole picture.

Overall 4/10

Out of Time Review

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Out of Time is a film that I definitely have quite a few issues with. The main character is very unlikable. Trust me I’ve seen worse but my main problem is that in most instances the film recognizes that he’s not a good person while in this case that’s not happening. He basically gets rewarded the whole time so I’m afraid the story got lost in the sauce. That said, lets dive in here and see what happened.

All right so the film starts off by introducing us to Matt who is the chief of police. He recently helped pull off a major drug bust and is really at the top of his game professionally. Personally his life is a mess though. He is in the middle of divorce proceedings with Alex and is cheating on her with another married lady in Ann. Matt’s one of those guys who needs to learn the value of commitment but that’s not happening anytime soon. It turns out that Ann is terminally ill and will be dying soon so she quickly makes Matt the beneficiary of her life insurance since her husband Chris is abusive and doesn’t deserve the money. Matt doesn’t want to give up yet though so he breaks into his own police vault and steals the drug money. He gives it all to Ann who quickly dies in a house fire along with Chris.

Case closed right? Wrong! The FBI is coming over to grab the drug money so Matt needs to stall them now while he gets more money. Additionally it’s looking like Matt is the main suspect for murdering Ann as his wife Alex starts to close in on the case. Matt keeps lying and doing his best to get in the polices’ way but he can only stall for so long. Can he get to the bottom of this conspiracy in time or is he just completely and utterly doomed?

A big problem here is that Matt is really digging his own grave here. The first problem that is completely indefensible is when he gave Ann the drug money. Yes he wants to help her out with the experimental treatment but he needs to dip into his own savings then. Dip into the retirement or take out a loan but you can’t just give her money that isn’t yours. That is a complete no no and is really taboo. No matter what leaps in logic you want to use, that money was just not his to give and is a huge part of the problem that he is in.

Then he also should have just come clean with the cops about how he knew her. Yeah it’s pretty awkward to admit that you were cheating with someone who’s married because that’s just plain despicable but you did it so you gotta own up to it. If Matt wasn’t constantly getting in Alex’s way during the investigation then things would have moved a whole lot sooner. Yeah Matt would be taken into custody too for misusing the funds but that’s what he gets. So every time he is getting in the way it’s just really annoying.

Because of that I would also say that he gets off way too easily. You’re expecting him to die in the end or at least go to jail but none of that happens here. The very ending is actually awful in just how good things go for him. Alex has the most unrealistic response to this situation that I’ve ever seen. Keep in mind that they were literally divorcing due to a lot of petty arguments involving their jobs. So things weren’t on good terms and finding out that he’s been cheating should have really been the last straw. Instead she asks him a soft question about if he actually liked Ann and Matt gives the most textbook, cliché cheater’s response.

Yeah he didn’t really care about her, it was just one of those things, he was caught up in his fields, it was a mistake, blah, blah. You hear those kind of excuses online all the time and I continue to roll my eyes at them each time. There are “mistakes” like perhaps in a moment of weakness smoking a cigarette, saying a swear word, or even stealing something. You realized it was wrong afterwards and stopped. Cheating? That’s a completely different animal. It’s a huge intentional act that you continue to do because you’re enjoying it.

Matt would have absolutely continued to be with Ann if she didn’t die in the house fire. It’s another reason why you don’t buy into his excuse. The guy doesn’t actually regret anything. Yeah I was actively rooting against him in the whole film so that ending was a huge downer. I won’t go as far as to say it was one of the worst endings I’ve seen in a while but it was definitely not a good one. You do not want to see this ending when you are finishing up a movie.

Now in terms of the thriller aspects the film could be solid. I did like the tension of the cops getting closer to the truth little by little. Matt really had to sweat it out for a while there and it was only a matter of time before they would end up catching up. Alex was a good character who was serious about her job and didn’t want any extra drama. She was doing what she had to and even if that meant working with Alex, wasn’t getting distracted. That speaks volumes about her character and work ethic.

I also liked Chae a lot. He’s a really good friend, probably better than what Matt deserves here. The guy put his own career on the line to help the guy out and was consistently helpful. If Matt was in a jam then Chae was always around to try and bounce him out of it. The guy is good at what he does and is very quick on the uptake. Then you have Chris who is a fairly vanilla villain. As a domestic abuser the guy naturally doesn’t rank at all. By the end of the film he looks even worse as more of a pawn who isn’t very smart. This is definitely a film where you aren’t watching for the antagonist.

Then you have Ann and I can’t say that I like her either. I tend to put most of the blame on the guy in events of cheating but she still takes a considerable share. She is also married after all and no matter how things are going, cheating isn’t the answer. There was a safety issue so of course I won’t say that it’s easy to get out but she needed to do better than what she was doing prior. There are some twists by the end and so she gets some strength points but loses some intelligence ones. Lets just say that the more you think about the climax…..the worse it gets. There are easier ways to do things and complicating matters isn’t always the best.

Overall, Out of Time is a movie that is at its best when it is focusing on the mystery/thriller elements. Honestly make Matt a better character and the entire film would get a lot better. As it stands he does hurt things because the whole time you are rooting for him to lose rather than to get out on top. That takes some of the bite out of the film. It also suffers from an incredibly awful romance here and all of the affair scenes are brutal. It makes this a bit of a rough re watch if you were ever going to check it out again and even on the initial viewing it just isn’t going to compete with the higher end titles. You can definitely do better than this one.

Overall 4/10

Captive State Review

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“What is the point of the movie Captive State?” When you google the name of the movie that’s the first result which I found to be pretty funny. The setup for the movie is actually pretty great, the premise holds all kind of potential but unfortunately the movie completely squanders it. I actually think the concept makes the most amount of sense for a TV show because there’s so much to cover. Way too much for a single movie and so this one skips all of the interesting moments and lags on the boring ones. As a result it is impressively bad at squandering all of the potential here. Definitely not what you were hoping for here.

So the movie starts off rather boldly with a few minutes of text setting the stage. In 2019 a bunch of aliens show up to take over the planet. Humanity falls rather easily and by 2027 we have completely submitted to their will. We now willingly work as slaves for the aliens and allow them to deport us off planet to be exterminated and generally get wrecked by them on a day to day basis. The wealth gap has grown even further and there just isn’t a great amount of resistance anymore. There are resistance groups to be sure but every country around the world has openly submitted to the aliens.

This brings us to the main character Gabriel who is a part of one of the resistance groups. He doesn’t particularly love their chances though and is ready to just run out of there. His brother Rafe is a lot more determined to see this through though. The resistance has been building up a huge plan for quite a while. Their creed/motto is “Light a match, ignite a war” with the idea being that if you can destroy at least one alien base it will encourage other humans to start fighting back as well. The tricky part is of course that the bases are guarded extremely well and you can’t really communicate online anymore. The aliens have taken everything over and all cities are under martial law so you have to be incredibly careful. You can’t even trust anyone since most work for the aliens. Can these guys really stop the aliens or is it all over?

So one of my main problems here is naturally the beginning of the film. Earth just kneeled to the aliens so quickly? I can’t picture it. The whole reason why countries around the world have enough nukes to take out the planet hundreds of times over is to prevent them from being taken over. It’s why you will likely not see any first world country like the US, Russia, or Europe be taken over within our lifetimes. We’d sooner press the button and send everyone out of this life than take the loss. In a case like this where the whole world is under attack then that becomes even more likely since at least someone would have made that call.

Now if the modern day had shown the whole world in ruins then that would be one thing but it’s not. The world is clearly a little more desolate but we still have all the news channels and things look pretty high tech. You could say that the aliens rebuilt the world but that’s never even remotely hinted at so I personally doubt it. It looks to me like we just put up basic resistance and got wrecked without trying anything too extreme. The film really needed to show us more of the aliens’ capabilities to make this work.

Perhaps they hit the planet with a giant EMP that disabled all of the nukes or something like that. We got to see that they are immune to basic guns and stuff but it’s not like that’s super impressive. We needed to see a lot more of them but unfortunately this isn’t that kind of film. There are a few action scenes but really not as many as you would expect. We never get any great shots of the aliens as they’re always hidden in the shadows or mostly kept out of view. This is where a bit more of a budget could have helped the movie. We really should have seen the aliens more.

This isn’t your traditional alien invasion film because the whole alien invasion is skipped. Because of that big time skip at the middle we jump into the film when the humans have already lost. The main problem with this is…the movie’s pretty boring. There’s a ton of strategizing that doesn’t really go anywhere. In fact thanks to a twist near the end it really felt like most of the film was pointless. It all did serve a purpose of course because the twist involves someone using the whole film as part of a plan but it does make things feel a bit futile. The price for getting to the end was also absolutely massive. This was not a good plan. It revolves around a ton of things going in a specific way and also basically sacrificing a lot of others in the process.

The characters were desperate to be sure but you just feel like there had to be a better way. The film can be a bit violent when things look dire for the heroes. I wouldn’t call it super bloody or anything though, more painful than anything. The film is pretty serious and isn’t super long so it has that going for it but for example I couldn’t really tell you very many standout scenes.

For the most part there are no real happy moments to be found here. The heroes are always on the back foot and hope seems completely lost. The problem of course comes back to the beginning once again. The aliens have ruled for quite a while now and humanity really lost their chance to mount much of a comeback. Sure they can start fighting now but it’s all already too late. Presumably the humans all get exterminated in short order once the aliens take them serious. with whatever forces they had to enslave humanity so quickly they can surely deal with the resistance as well. That’s why we needed to see how this happened so the film could offer up a good reason on why that wouldn’t happen again.

As a silver lining though I did like Rafe a lot. He may not have been the main character but he had a really strong will the whole time. He was all about the mission from the start even when a lot of the others were starting to have doubts. You have to be strong like that when you’re completely outnumbered. It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to live through an enemy invasion and hopefully you never have to experience that. This guy did his best.

Now I mentioned this being better as a TV show. Well the reason for that is you could have the whole first season or two be about the aliens arriving and taking over. This part is more like you average alien invasion story and the cliffhanger could be the big time skip where the aliens actually won. Then the following seasons deal with the aftermath and the rebellion. That’s exactly how I would have handled it and then you could really use this premise to its full potential. It wouldn’t get nerfed due to the limited time available. Give this film more time so it can focus on other things and I think it could have been better. Perhaps not if it stayed on the more boring scenes but I do think it could have pulled this off.

Overall, Captive State has some decent twists here but ultimately you still wonder if the plan was even worth it. The humans lost a whole lot in these battles and it feels like they kept on losing more and more as things all played out. The movie didn’t give me enough reason to believe that the aliens would win. The premise was good but the film made 0 use of it. Even the aftermath should have been far more interesting than it was. There is a lot to explore in a world about aliens ruling over the humans but the film didn’t grab my attention. I’d absolutely recommend watching a different alien invasion film instead.

Overall 3/10

The Four Musketeers Review

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It’s time for more Musketeers action. I can’t say that I’ve been the biggest fan of this franchise and this film wouldn’t really change my mind. I know the main characters aren’t really heroes so I wouldn’t expect them to always be heroic but they really do the bare minimum in just about everything. I wouldn’t trust them with my groceries let alone my life. I’d say the main issue the film has is just that it can be a bit boring at times. It’s not funny enough to pull off the comedy aspect and the fight scenes aren’t good enough for the action part. What does that leave you with? Well I’m not really sure but not enough to make this a solid flick.

The film picks up immediately where the last one left off. The 3 Musketeers along with their recent addition in the main character and are minding their own business when the main heroine gets kidnapped. D’art meanwhile gets distracted by a new villainess who finds it really easy to seduce him. Basically any lady can accomplish this task though as her own maid gets him as well. The guy has serious commitment issues so unfortunately you can’t trust him at all. The guy is as sad and shallow as they come which is really unfortunate and by the end of the film he has not changed so seriously you don’t want this guy in your corner. He just isn’t that dude. Trust me on this and in a way it hurts the film by extension since you want to have a good lead.

Wait is that the plot? Well okay that’s not all of it. So there’s potentially a big war brewing and in part it’s due to all of the affairs going on and so the Musketeers may have to actually enter the war and cause trouble. They already spend most of their time beating up on their own country’s army though so are these allies that you actually want to have on your side? Something tells me that you would want them to stay far away instead. Both countries seem reasonably corrupt though and the war never gets all that interesting so you won’t really care much.

In a way that is the film’s biggest issue in a nutshell. It’s just extremely boring. You don’t care about any of the characters. In a lot of ways I would say the first film was actually more engaging since you at least had the young hero picking fights with everyone. He was still a rampant cheater so still no someone you could root for but at least there was a lot going on. In this one? Ehhhhhhhhh yeah it’s just not working for me. Seriously I would have to give it a firm thumbs down. The first film also had the interesting fake fight where the heroes were stealing food which was clever.

That said, we do get flashbacks to the first film so you’ll see it there anyway. As a slight positive, the fights can be decent at times when they appear. Mostly they are treated for laughs though so there isn’t a ton of great choreography here. The film is leaning more fully on humor and adventure after all so there just isn’t time for any of that. Okay I do think the cardinal at least makes for an interesting villain. As basically the highest ranking member in the country he can actually sign documents allowing you to do anything. You could straight up murder someone and he can immediately pardon you. It sure is nice to have that level of power right?

I like the verbal battles there. The Cardinal is always on the offensive and as you can probably guess he tends to completely destroy the other Musketeers in the arguments. At the end of the day he’s not a serious fighter or anything but I tend to like the old government villains to an extent. He is a full villain though with the desperate plans he uses to take down the heroes. They aren’t even morally dubious by the way, they’re just villain plans.

The romance in the film is naturally pretty awful with no real loyalty to speak of. Everyone is cheating the whole time so you definitely can’t trust any of them. It really was a tough world out there with everyone after you. Imagine if this film was about the Musketeers having to fend off wave after wave of enemy invaders? Actually have them jump into the war rather than goofing off and watching it from the sidelines. That would have been a massive improvement right away. I’m not surprised that it didn’t happen of course but the film had many moments where things could have turned epic if that’s what the film wanted to do.

Okay one last slight positive for the film. I’ll throw it a little bone here. The acid blade that the villainess used was pretty cool. The effects for it actually weren’t bad and I wouldn’t mind something similar in a modern film. You can see how deadly the acid is by how it melted the wall and that helps to make the fight with the main character a little more balanced since otherwise he should win easily. He’s not the best guy but he is still trained with a blade after all.

Overall, The Four Musketeers isn’t a particularly good film. It’s one that will have you shaking your head the whole time. It’s not like the negatives are super egregious or anything. Sure the film can be boring, the romance is bad, there’s quite a bit of fanservice and the characters are no good but the film isn’t super long and it’s not like there are any big animal violence moments or excessive violence in general. It’s a fairly safe film to check out but I just can’t recommend it because it should have been many times better. I think the world is ready for a good 3 Musketeers film at this point. It’s just got so much potential. I think you really need to play it straight with the action though. You could absolutely make it part comedy but that shouldn’t be done lightly and of course it has to actually be super funny or that will backfire. I think this is a film that just gets worse and worse in hindsight.

Overall 3/10

Escape Plan Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for a thriller that’s pretty fun. Admittedly the whole setup to the main part of the film is extremely unbelievable but I suppose it can be tough to get the characters into position sometimes. I would have changed that but otherwise I didn’t have many issues here. I haven’t seen tons of prison break movies either so it felt fairly fresh.

The movie starts by introducing us to Ray who has a very interesting job. He allows himself to be arrested in order to test out a prison’s defenses and see if there are any weak points. Naturally this is all worked out with the prison in advance so he has a code word to get out of there safely and it’s a fairly controlled environment. Most don’t know that he’s a fake prisoner so the experience can be as authentic as possible. Well, the government has shown up with an offer to try his luck at breaking into one of the strongest max prisons ever. There are some shady parts to the deal though. They won’t allow the company to track Ray’s location and he can’t even know where it will be. Both of these conditions completely go against Ray’s rules so obviously he won’t take the job right?

Wellll…yeah he decides to do this anyway. So now nobody knows where he is and it turns out that this whole thing is a bit of a scam as his safe word doesn’t work and it seems like the wardens actually want to break him. Ray’s experience in breaking out of jails is his only hope now because this time he will have to break out for real. His only real ally here is Emil who wants to help but Ray doesn’t trust him. The guy’s trying just a little too hard to be helpful you know? Doesn’t really feel legit is what Ray’s thinking and I don’t blame him since I wouldn’t be trusting anyone at all. Still, it looks like they will need to team up to stand a chance here.

The film’s very interesting from the start which is absolutely crucial for a title like this. The world building is good and while there aren’t a ton of main characters, they are all very memorable. You’re not going to just forget about them after watching the film. I would also say the writing is pretty good. Naturally there is a bit of plot armor going on here for Ray and the others since the guards really could just go in and finish them at any time. The plans for escape often involve a lot of surveillance and scoping things out which only works because the villains take their eyes off of the monitor briefly. Things have to work out absolutely perfect for this to work out and you will probably have to suspend a little disbelief here.

The actual prison also stands out because of its unique architecture. This is definitely not looking like your average prison and that’s a good thing because as a maximum level one it should look a lot different. That’s the whole point after all. The heat room also seems like it would come really close to breaking a lot of inmates since you have to deal with bright lights as well. So now you can’t really sleep and are getting dehydrated. The guards really have every possible advantage here since they can also apply beatings whenever they want. There’s a whole montage where they just keep beating Ray up at all times of the day and there really isn’t much that he can do about it at all.

Ray is a good main character. I may deduct some points for going through with this crazy idea in the first place but at the end of the day he is good at what he does and that’s what gives the heroes a chance in the first place. Without him it really would have been curtains for everyone. Then you have Emil who is definitely a fun character. I would even say that he is the best one. He gets a ton of standout scenes and I like the way his character arc ends. In general the end of the film is very satisfying. This is a movie that absolutely sticks the landing.

The villains are a bit more on the generic side. I guess I won’t say who the mastermind is but I would say it’s not a twist that should surprise you. This guy seemed rather tricky right from the start and so that’s just how it goes. He’s okay but it’s not like he can fight. The main head of the guard loves beating up on people but ultimately that’s about it for his character. The villains don’t have a whole lot going for them but you will remember them because these roles are fairly critical to any prison breakout movie.

The film is surprisingly tame for the most part. Make no mistake there are violent moments that will happen during the adventure but they aren’t nearly as deadly or frequent as you may have expected to start this off. This is a good thing as the movie maintains a serious tone and a high level of tension without having to be all over the place. It’s not trying to be edgy or anything like that which is a really good idea. It lets you really get into the film and enjoy the detective work.

After all a big chunk of the film is planning out the escape. Learning the guards’ movements, doing some recon, etc. If the characters tried to jump into the escape without that then it really wouldn’t have worked. It is fair to say that the prison really was impossible to escape for any single prisoner because you needed teamwork and a whole lot of resources and specific situations in order to pull this off. You can’t really see anyone replicating this so in a way the prison doesn’t need any upgrades.

Overall, Escape Plan is an intense prison film that reminds you just how scary it can be. Sometimes you hear stories and figure that prison isn’t so bad…but make no mistake it can absolutely be a nightmare. Perhaps they aren’t all as intense as a max security setup but you can bet that most still are not a walk in the park or anything like that. This film is the type that will always be best the first time around as it’s a bit of a slow burn that gradually gets you to the end. You wonder who will make it and who wouldn’t. So go into the film as blind as possible for the maximum experience. Do that and you should be all set.

Overall 7/10

Event Horizon Review

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This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Event Horizon is one of those films that reminds me why I’d never want to be stuck anywhere in outer space or underwater. At the end of the day you’re stuck with a bunch of people that could go crazy at any point. Sure you might know them to an extent but being on your own for a long amount of time can change everything. This film slowly has the cast cracking and the whole time you’re shaking your head. They lack the willpower to succeed!

The movie starts with a crew being formed to try and find a spaceship that went missing many years ago. The crew isn’t thrilled about this since they were on vacation but hey a mission’s a mission right? Well Dr. Weir will be coming with them to explain the specifics since this mission is very different from most. Of course that’s another reason for the crew to dislike the mission since they aren’t finding out the truth until they’re stuck in space. Basically they have to use some super experimental technology to jump through a wormhole into another dimension to grab the ship and then head back. Sure it didn’t work for the first ship but the tech is better now! Well they do the jump and make it to the other ship but now their ship is busted. The heroes are ready to make the repairs but weird things start happening. The crew see visions and are slowly going crazy. Will they ever be able to go home?

So this film’s mostly pretty bad but I can say it wasn’t all bad. I really liked the music. Seriously it was pretty great, felt like I was entering some kind of big action movie. Mix that in with the sci-fi effects and yeah this definitely seemed like a winner. That being said, It’s one of the only positives I can really say about the film. The rest of it tends to go for a lot of shock value and just doesn’t seem like a good idea when you’re trying to be a good film. The characters make a bunch of awful decisions and while you can blame some of it on “the darkness” it doesn’t help them.

Okay so lets start with Dr. Weir. At first he seems fairly reasonable. He wants to complete this mission and is taking it super seriously. He doesn’t get into space as much as the crew so he doesn’t really comprehend the dangers but he did build this experimental sci-fi tech so if anyone knows how to pull this off then it should be him. Unfortunately he has significant skeletons in the closet which start to break him. The ship shows everyone illusions and so of course his are easy to pull out from the past. It’s a rather brutal one and the whole build up to the tragedy is rough.

The film loves its special effects to make the characters as ugly as possible. Lets just say there is a ton of violence in this film. I would easily put it on the high end for a horror film. Not just because of what happens in the present like multiple characters getting impaled, disfigured, and blown up in the vacuum of space but also in the quick flashes the characters get when the ship is messing with their minds. It’s typically all happening so fast that you can barely even tell what is happening, only that there’s something bloody and disturbing on the screen.

Still even with the visions it’s hard to feel any sympathy for Weir. The guy is really responsible for this mission in the first place so he needed to hold it together. By the end he is a complete pawn who wouldn’t even be all right if his plan succeeds which hurts quite a lot. As a villain if you don’t really have a grand master plan or anything like that then you are basically just spinning your wheels. You’re not actually doing anything and at that point you’re just a psycho.

Starck serves as the main heroine here and does her best. She is able to resist the illusions better than most of the characters and has to put up with everyone being really slow on the uptake. The most annoying moment for her had to be when the captain told her to find an explanation on what was going on. She did find the reason (evil spirits) but he didn’t believe her. It’s a shame because by this point in the film you’d think that would be a very credible option. Seriously you had everyone seeing crazy illusions, things not working as they should and a mysterious reactor turning on when that’s supposed to be impossible? You’d think the captain would hear her out at least.

Miller is the captain and for the most part he looks good. While he didn’t believe Starck, at least he did spend most of his screen time trying to keep the crew from murdering each other. He had a tight grasp of what it means to be a leader and was always making the hard calls. I would say he was the most reasonable member of the team and was also able to realize that the spirit was manipulating him with the past later on. He has a big scene in the end as well. The guy was definitely real determined.

Throughout the movie you’ve really got a big survival thriller feel going on. In general that should be solid as the characters try to live but with the evil spirit using the powers of memories and illusions it’s just not thrilling. You already know the characters will fall for this and that there isn’t much they can do about it. That’s the most annoying part about all of this. For example one character sees her son running around the spaceship. Obviously there is no way he can be here and yet she falls for it anyway.

It’s up to you to determine to just what extent the spirit has full mental control over the characters but evidently it is a massive amount. The characters seem to be completely unable to resist its control at times and other times they at least know that something iffy is going on. I think if you cut out all of the random violence then you may have something here. Perhaps it will be less “exciting” in terms of action but I think the movie would be able to hold its own. The way it is there just isn’t anything to like about it once the spirit starts to make its presence felt. Seeing the characters start to get corrupted one after another is supremely annoying.

As you’d expect the ending does have a bit of a horror zinger to end things off with but it’s a bi more passive than you’d expect. I actually think the movie could have been a whole lot bolder here. The ending is definitely throwing some strong implications at you and of course I’m on the side that everyone’s doomed but you can always look at the ending in a different way. It’s certainly open for interpretation.

Overall, Event Horizon really went off the deep end. The initial scenes are decent, I would say it started out well. It all just goes downhill once the evil spirit starts to consume everyone and trick them into being destroyed. The film starts to feel aimless as it’s just about everyone dying in gruesome ways. Additionally there seems to be no real way to escape the evil influence or to fight back against it so everything seems futile. The idea of being alone in space with something after you is absolutely solid but they should go with a more tangible threat next time. Something like….an alien!

Overall 1/10

Bill & Ted Face the Music Review

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It’s time for the next Bill & Ted movie to jump in. That being said, I would have to say that it is the weakest one in the series. The main mistake if you ask me is that it doesn’t focus on Bill & Ted enough and they are still the best characters in the film. The subplot of their daughters running around assembling a team feels a lot weaker in comparison. The film will still have a good amount of funny moments to keep you going but you do feel like it is just missing something that the first two had.

The movie starts with Bill and Ted in a bit of a jam. They have not been able to create the legendary song that will stop the universe from blowing up and now they only have a few hours left. They figure their only chance is to travel to the future where their future selves have already created the song and then steal it from them. It’s a pretty clever plan that might just work. While they’re gone, Billie and Thea decide to help out as well. So they go across time to grab the best musicians from across the multiverse so when Bill and Ted find the song, they will have the best people playing it. The only thing standing in their way is Dennis, a Terminator type robot from the future who is doing his best to try and destroy them. A single blast is all it would take so they need to try and stay one step ahead of him or it’s all over.

Now the films have always been more on the comedic side and lean on being as absurd as possible but the first two films did still have more of a sense of danger about them. For example we already had evil doppelganger androids on the prowl. They were actually kind of serious and did effectively take out the main duo. Dennis is a major step down because the guy has big confidence issues and always doubts himself. Sure he can fight and use the lasers but he’s not proud about that. He would rather not be in the limelight and so he spends the whole film doing a lot of whining. He’s got to be the most annoying character here.

Then I would say Kelly isn’t a great replacement for Rufus. She tries to help the heroes out and spends most of the film using the “I told you so!” approach but she doesn’t have his charisma. In general she just doesn’t feel quite as on top of things. She is younger so that makes sense to an extent but you’re already seeing how all of the angles are just a bit weaker than the first two films. This continues with Billie and Thea.

So in theory these two characters exist to futureproof the series. They could take over the reigns if Bill and Ted get too old or the movies have a hard time getting the actors back. The problem is that they are so heavily introduced as being just like Bill and Ted that they don’t have much going for them. Their banter and dynamic certainly doesn’t match the original’s and right now I don’t see them being able to do much fighting when necessary. They are overshadowed in all of their scenes and so far just aren’t all that funny.

So once again it’s up to Bill and Ted to carry the film. To their credit they do a really good job of that. The Bill and Ted scenes are still a lot of fun as they mess everything up and are always confused. It’s always extreme but you never feel bored. For example when they are in the counseling session and trying to make things right with their wives. They suggest some solutions and do so with absolute confidence which you love to see. It’s obvious that they’re going up the wrong tree but it’s all about the confidence in their delivery.

The movie is just at its best when it’s about these two messing around and isn’t trying to get serious or emotional. The few serious scenes we do get can’t quite compete. For example the climax of finally playing the big song doesn’t work all that effectively. Perhaps it’s just played too directly without any kind of subversion but either way I’d have done a few more gags instead.

The music in general is okay but nothing all that exciting. The best piece of music in the film is likely the electric guitar that the main characters play once in a while. The actual songs got a bit too experimental this time so they weren’t all that catchy or anything like that. It’s easy to see why nobody likes their music in universe. They just don’t sound all that great or really know how to get a steady beat going. There wasn’t much for the legendary musicians to do either. They show up to help but their music doesn’t sound incredible either because they aren’t given much to play.

In the end the film should have really leaned into Bill and Ted having one last adventure. They can absolutely hold their own film and have already done so in the past. Mix in the fun time travelling and unique method to solve it and you have a lot of fun elements here. With more time for this subplot we could have seen them explore more of these alternate futures a bit more. It would be a win all the way through and likely enough to jump it up a star or two. A comedy film is only as good as the amount of humor it’s got in store after all and this one just wasn’t as consistently funny as it needed to be.

Overall, Bill and Ted may have its moments here and there but for the most part it really is just a big step down from the first two titles. Any scene you enjoy here has likely already been done but in a more impressive fashion in the first two films. This one is trying to juggle a little too much and as a result that means it has to really delegate the screen time between all of the characters. I’m not surprised that everyone turned on the main duo but you’d think the council would have been keeping in contact with them a bit sooner so this wasn’t a surprise at the end. Considering that the end of the universe is at stake you’d think they would be doing everything possible in order to help out. I guess that wasn’t to be though. In the end the film’s pretty harmless fun so it’s an easy one to recommend if you want something to check out but it could have been a whole lot better.

Overall 5/10

Side Street Review

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The tagline here is a little misleading since Joe didn’t just happen to wander into some cash. Nah he just went and stole it. The film’s basically about a guy who becomes a small time criminal but is completely in over his head against the more experienced ones. Look you’re not going to beat a career criminal when you’re jumping in as someone new to the game. It’s just not happening and so things don’t go very well for Joe throughout the movie. He’s constantly on the back foot here.

The movie starts off with giving us some context as to why Joe went down the dark path. He’s not doing very well financially and his wife Ellen is having a kid. He wants to get some extra money and fast so he went the easy route of becoming a criminal. He stole some money from a lawyer while making his rounds but what he didn’t realize is that he stole a huge sum because that guy was another crook being blackmailed by a third group of crooks. Ultimately Joe has just gotten himself into a whole conspiracy and he has absolutely no clue on what to do here. The guy is completely and utterly out of his depth.

Now the film has a narrator that does his best to make you feel bad for Joe. He tries to explain how none of this is Joe’s fault and all of that, how anyone could crack in those circumstances so you should just ignore him. Not everyone would just think to start stealing, in fact most wouldn’t. So the guy’s trying to create a bunch of excuses for Joe and it just doesn’t line up. The film can be a bit heavy handed with trying to make you feel bad for Joe. Sure it’s a rotten situation but he really caused all of this trouble for himself without a doubt.

This is a fairly old school noir with a lot going on so you should be engaged the whole time. The pacing is good so even though the film is not super long, it feels like a lot happens regardless. Since Joe is in the dark the whole time as well as the viewer you don’t get all of the details for a while. You have more context than he does though and you get to have a fun time back seat driving as he makes mistake after mistake. I’m sure everyone groaned in the theaters when Joe decided to leave his fortune with a random bartender. Really now?

That was super sloppy. I don’t care if it’s your best friend, you should never leave a fortune with anyone because that’s a lot of temptation. It’s literally life changing money and Nick (The bar tender) probably should have just left town to be honest. Travel to a different country and never look back. Nothing good can come out of sticking around and he sure found that out the hard way. You literally have kids trying to make a buck in this movie and are willing to sell people out. You can’t trust anyone.

It’s all the most tragic for Ellen though just being thrown into the middle of this when she had no clue what was going on. She clearly would not have signed off on Joe’s plan which is why he had to do all of this in secret. If he had talked things over with her then the whole situation could have been avoided and everything would have been a lot cleaner. Meanwhile we have the main police captain Anderson trying to solve this case but his role is a lot smaller than I would have guessed.

From his scene at the beginning of the film you figure he will be close to one of the main characters but instead he vanishes for large portions of the film. It’s a shame since he’s such a fun character but I suppose not everyone can get to steal the show. As for the villains, they’re fairly standard here. You have the main blackmailer who is confident and knows how to play the long game. His decision to pretend he didn’t know what Joe was talking about when the guy tried to return the money was clever. He wasn’t about to fall for some kind of sting operation.

Then you had the right hand man who was a good enforcer. He was always ready to rough some people up if they started to get annoying, sort of like Joe. Joe also loses more points because he ends up cracking and getting seduced by one of the villains. She broke him real quick and I don’t want to hear any of Joe’s excuses on that. He’s just a pretty bad character all the way around but fortunately in a Noir title like this you don’t necessarily need a great main character.

It all comes down to the writing and story after all. Fortunately that was on point the whole time. I thought the story was interesting all the way through so that makes this one a winner. I would say what keeps it from moving forward though is there isn’t a specific angle that I could say stuck out. It’s a good noir film but if I was recommending a film in the genre to someone then this probably wouldn’t be one of the first 20 names that I would think of. It’s a case of it just being lost in the shuffle.

I suppose we at least do have a big car chase scene in the end. The driver of the taxi was not very smart at all though. Why would you start to run when someone has a gun and really wants to complete the mission? As the driver I think your best bet is to quickly crash into something and then run out while the passengers are stunned. It’s a high risk strategy of course but I do think it should work more often than not and what do you have to lose? You’ll definitely die if you don’t do anything.

Overall, Side Street is a good movie. There is always a lot of things going on so you will want to pay attention to every character. It’s also a cautionary tale about how committing a small crime can suddenly get you mixed up into something big. A crime’s a crime after all no matter how small. I’d like to see the police get a bigger role if we ever get a remake to this so we can see more of what’s going on though. By following Joe it feels like we miss out on a lot of the action.

Overall 6/10

The Black Scorpion Review

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With a title like the Black Scorpion you’re expecting massive hype and lots of creature action right? Well, it takes a very long time for the big scorpion to show up. Once it does we do get a good amount of screen time but for that whole first half you’re just wondering what happened. Surely they wouldn’t be keeping the main draw of the film on the shelf for so long right? Well sometimes that’s just how it happens I guess. It’s still a decently good movie but one with relatively low replay value and loses to the average creature feature.

The movie starts off with a pair of archeologists driving around when they notice an abandoned police car. Eventually they find an empty house with a baby in it and a corpse nearby. There was no blood around though so how was this guy taken down so easily? His gun had also already fired all of its bullets. Well no time to worry about that, the characters do more investigating and sleuthing until it turns out that there are Giant Scorpions running around! They’re murdering everybody and now the heroes have to think of a way to stop them before the entire town is destroyed. First the Scorpions will destroy the town….and then the world!

Lets talk about some of the positives here first. I do think that the writing is pretty solid. It’s not amazing or anything but it makes logical sense and the script should keep you decently engaged. I like how serious everyone is about the giant scorpion threat and that the government actually gets to look decent. The two leads get rather cocky after blowing up some of the Scorpions so that they basically don’t want to hear about there being any survivors. The government puts a stop to that real quick and it’s rare to see them pull rank like that.

Additionally this allows the film to effectively have two climaxes. You have the first one in the caves and then the second one on the go when the Scorpion returns to cause vengeance. So that was pretty solid because you don’t see that happening very often. In a way the humans got super lucky here because they fumbled the bag on several occasions (Letting all the poison get destroyed, missing the target with their thunder arrow, etc) but the giant scorpion ended up destroying most of the competition on its own so that bought some time. If the Scorpions had actually teamed up with each other and with the other giant creatures then it would have been over. You could have packed humanity up, they would have stood no chance.

Even that idea (One monster destroying the rest) is one that you don’t see very often. So you’ve got some decent ideas here but the film doesn’t really make them as exciting as they could be. The giant monster fights were fairly decent though, we had some classic wrestling and all of that. All of the creatures were absolutely doomed against the big scorpion though. They never stood a chance! I felt bad for the big one in the end though, of course you know the humans have to win eventually but it was so close!

As for the main characters, well they were just pretty annoying the whole time. As I mentioned they got too cocky about beating all of the scorpions to the point where they didn’t even wanna take the government serious about their chances of being alive. Then near the beginning of the film when a lady falls off her horse it felt like they immediately jumped into a lot of flirting. She seriously had to say she was fine like 5 times before they finally got the hint and backed off. Of course we still get the obligatory romance after that which was super rushed and unneeded. These films don’t always need a romance!

Of course the worst character is the local kid who was trying to help. He disobeys orders numerous times and stows away in their vehicles more than once. In each instance he just ends up causing a lot of trouble. The worst part about him is really that he has no remorse the whole time. The guy will try to explain why what he did was wrong and the kid will just say again that he was trying to help. No apology, no “I’ll never do it again” or anything like that. So you know the kid absolutely would do this again and no lesson was learned.

Then even the local cops don’t look great here as we have a super unnecessary character death near the end. The main captain misses his shot so he goes to pick up the thunder arrow but everyone forgot to turn the charge off so he gets bumped off. The main characters then fire the second shot but that has to be one of the worst ways to go out. Because he should not have died in the first place. I’d be majorly peeved if that happened to me. Also it’s not like it was an easy shot at all, you have to aim for the weak spot by the creature’s throat while it’s running around and beating up the army. Also , props to the guys in the tanks getting up close and knowing they will be destroyed but just buying time for the heroes. That can’t have been an easy mission.

Overall, The Black Scorpion is a film where the humans tend to be annoying so you’re really going to have to be in it for the creatures. The Scorpions make for imposing villains with their huge tails and long reach. Definitely not a foe that you will want to take lightly and the movie shows just how dangerous they can be. They’re not super fast but when characters trip and don’t start their engines in time it means that the body count here will still be fairly large. I’d be down for a sequel to this some day. There’s always room for more creature feature films but I hope the humans can be a bit more likable here. Honestly you don’t have to do a lot to be a decent human in a film like this. Just make some decent plans and fight a bit, that’s all you gotta do. Also the creature should appear way earlier, the dead time before it was just too long. I mean it’s an old film so at least the dialogue is good enough where you can still get through the first half just fine but it’s very noticeable considering the film’s name when the title creature takes so long to appear.

Overall 6/10