Tag Archives: Horror

Jaws of Satan Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Jaws of Satan is certainly a very dramatic title. Right off the bat you can tell that this will not be your average snake attacking the world. That being said, it sort of plays out like one anyway so it’s not like there is a whole lot of difference here. It’s very similar to a frog film I saw a while back where you had this mysterious frog giving everyone orders. Here it’s a King Cobra instead but of course it may have a real identity which you can figure out based on the title.

The film starts off with two guys travelling via train with a shipment of a lot of animals in the cargo area. Unfortunately what they haven’t realized is that Satan has hitched a ride with them. He’s currently in the body of a snake and intends to destroy everyone that he can! Using advanced telekinesis he blasts one guy out of the train and takes the other one down. He’s not getting close to his actual target, Father Farrow. Farrow is warned by a psychic that he is being targeted but he doesn’t believe this until she is bumped off shortly afterwards. Maggie from the hospital calls in Paul, a snake specialist to deal with this epidemic of evil snakes but deep down Farrow knows that he is going to have to step in. Can they win this battle?

Now we are meant to believe that this is Satan himself from all the dialogue and such but it still seems like a bit of an odd move to have him show up as a snake to slowly order other animals to finish the humans off instead of doing it himself. All horror villains have some kind of rules by which they abide of course but we need something so we can understand what they are. Instead in this way I don’t really know why he’s doing things the way that he is. I also think some dialogue would have been nice.

So in a way it didn’t matter whether this was Satan himself or a generic King Cobra because aside from the telekinesis it wouldn’t really change much of anything. I guess it does give the title a bit more of a bite though and while I wouldn’t say this was a very good film it does handle the atmosphere well. The whole town starts to feel a little more spooky as everyone is taken down by the snakes so I would have to say that this part was very effective.

Now where the film trips up is first that the characters aren’t very solid. So you have Evelyn as the town psychic who is decent enough but needlessly cryptic. Look we’re not dealing with the FBI here so why couldn’t she have just told Farrow what she knew over the phone instead of having to drive over there? Of course she never ends up making it and as a result it takes him longer to piece together the puzzle. Then you have Maggie who is good at her job. She has to deal with a lot of traitors like the coroner who hides one of the bodies but ultimately she gets around that. I liked the scene of her commandeering the ambulance itself because after a while you definitely do have to go with some drastic measures here.

She has to get the body to convince Paul after all. Paul is also good at looking at a snake bite and determining things but he does get off on the wrong foot with Maggie and it’s completely his fault. He comes across as rather judgmental and quite a bit rude so it was funny when Maggie talked about how nice he was. That’s not really the first thing that comes to mind when you think about this guy…but hey I guess I am probably underestimating him a little bit here. I don’t think the dialogue in this film was always very well thought out.

The heroes have basically no teamwork here as they all get sent into the cave one by one. Again, if this is Satan here you’d think he would have some more powers than having to trick everyone into a cave one at a time but I guess that’s just how it goes. It’s hard to be all that afraid of the snakes though as even with the music and all you feel like the humans should beat them most of the time. Snakes can move really fast through lunges but that’s about it so if you are standing away from one then you should definitely be able to outrun it right? I mean it shouldn’t be as crazy or scary as the film would have you believe.

There’s one long scene where the snake gets on the bed and has a stare down with the heroine. I think at that point you just have to jump up and run. Your odds shouldn’t be terrible and I’d argue that they’re better than waiting for Paul to show up with his net. Just make a break for it and you should be good! Feels like the film basically squeezed in the whole scene just as an excuse for some fanservice early on though which you tend to see in the B grade horror films so that tracks even if it is unfortunate. I guess it’s also a way for them to get closer but after the first impression you’d like to think that this wouldn’t be in the cards either way.

The film can have some disturbing images like with the bites and some of the usual violence but for the most part I would not say that it is as excessive as other similar films. It seemed to show just a little bit more restraint which is always nice. I also liked how some of the snakes could actually be defeated at least like the farmer who captured it and showed the body to Paul. I mean at the end of the day they are just snakes aside from the leader. That said, having snakes as a villain also inevitably means there will be some animal violence and unfortunately that does happen here. One snake gets shot to bits in what was a pretty intense scene and it’s why we need mecha snakes. Animal films are always going to be doomed because at the end of the day one of them is going to get hurt.

Overall, This film wasn’t going to be going very far either way. The cast isn’t quite good enough to hold their own film and the main villain may as well be a normal snake. We could get some good banter now and again during the film but for the most part we would just watch the snake slowly order the others to take people down and it felt like long periods of time would go by without much happening. The climax at least has a fun fire visual but you’re just not going to be taking much out of this film. It beats the average horror type film and at least has some semblance of replay value but there’s not enough here for me to recommend you give it a watch.

Overall 4/10

Piranha Review

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This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s that time of year again folks, it’s time for a creature feature! Now you may be thinking this should count as more of a horror film and that’s fair but these piranha really mean business and whenever they are on screen you know that things are about to get tricky. They take no prisoners and take no breaks. They just shred everyone in their way. At the end of the day it is a bit of a Jaws homage to be sure but I like how they go all in on this. I dare say it’s pretty close to Jaws in quality too but of course you know that’s not necessarily a good thing.

So the movie starts off with a pair of teenagers deciding to make a foolish mistake and that is to jump in the water near an abandoned testing site. How clean would this water be even if there weren’t piranha around? Well Maggie is called in to find them so she looks around a while and eventually comes across a guy named Paul who enjoys a quiet existence in a little cabin of his. He’s got a good gig going there and doesn’t want to be mixed up in any trouble but there isn’t really any dissuading Maggie so they check out the old government installation. They fight off a crazy guy and release all the piranha accidentally. Now these creatures are headed to a nearby town to take everyone down!

One thing that’s harder to capture in a newer film is how suddenly things happen. The heroes just wander into a crazy little hut and release a terrifying force onto humanity. There isn’t a lot of build up or foreshadowing to this. It just happens and the execution is fairly decent. The scientist could have potentially made things a little better for the world if he had tried to talk instead of immediately going to beat these characters up. C’mon this guy should have known that strategy wasn’t going to work and while it was an emergency, there were lots of ways to quickly get this across instead of the way that he did it. Ultimately this cost him his life which was a really heavy price to make for a simple mistake but that’s how things can go in these films.

Maggie is a decent heroine. She was persistent in her search for the teenagers which is admirable because I don’t think anyone would have faulted her for taking a step back after not finding any trace in the mountains instead of recruiting the old guy to help her. She really just wanted to see the job through and that’s always good. She never lost her determination throughout the film. As for Paul, he’s less of your classic hero and is just someone trying to stay out of harm’s way. He very reluctantly helped out with the search. Sure he did get going once they figured out what was happening but he just as easily would have rolled back into bed if Maggie wasn’t so insistent on his coming. Fortunately he can fight which came in handy against the scientist.

The army actually get involved later on which was nice since I always like to see them around. The only mixed thing here is the way the heroes escape just felt really cheesy. Cmon the security cannot be so weak that they basically just run out after a quick gag. The movie’s fairly serious so perhaps they thought we needed some humor thrown in but it almost feels out of place. I think they could have done a lot better with this whole plot personally. I wanted to see the army get some action even if in a way it would be hard to do when the enemies are fish. Have them fire at the water to no effect or something. They do use some poison but of course that isn’t going to do much here.

The movie does lightly touch on the classic conspiracy angle though. The government naturally doesn’t want anyone to find out what is going on here and they do a good job of covering it all up at least until that is no longer possible. They just didn’t seem very smart with how they handled it. They are trying to salvage things again by the end though so they are consistent. You have to give them some props there. Ultimately the instant you make mutated creatures that have super skills there probably isn’t much of anything that you can do but you still have to try hard. I would have had the film end with a piranha starting to grow a fist or something. Hey with mutations it should be possible right?

The effects aren’t bad but the soundtrack is on the forgettable side. The film’s best quality is its overall atmosphere but at the end of the day that’s really all that it’s got. With the Piranha murdering everyone everywhere it quickly just becomes another animal attack film. Fortunately with piranhas there is less chance of animal violence as it’s mostly just them eating people. It’s still fairly violent as it sure takes them a long time to shred people to bits though. This is not one for the faint of heart. Ultimately it is another good reason why you don’t really want to be in the ocean at all. I feel like on land you can reasonably protect yourself against most threats or feel like you have a shot but in the water there is nothing to anchor you or to really give you good ground beneath your feet so it’s all a lot more terrifying.

I wouldn’t say the movie is particularly scary to be honest but if you put yourself in that position then you can absolutely understand what the fear would be like. It’s not really my kind of film though. I would need more quality characters and a bigger role from the government for this title to really take off. I also think just by nature of the film it would be difficult for this one to be pretty good. When you have an evil animal you’re either going to see the humans destroy it or the animal destroy them and in each case it’s likely going to be a rather violent affair.

Overall, Piranha must have been quite the hit with how many films it has spawned but ultimately I would say that this is one that you can really skip on. There isn’t a whole lot of reason to watch this one when you have much better options on the horizon. Watch Godzilla vs the Sea Monster instead if you want to see what an aquatic animal can really do with full size enhancements to take on the government. Yes that’s definitely the way to do it!

Overall 2/10

Prom Night Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

It’s time for another school movie where a disaster takes place. There isn’t a huge explosion this time around but there may as well have been as things get really intense here. The movie doesn’t start off on the best note, nor does it end in a great way either. This is really just your dime a dozen slasher movie going through its paces and it never tries to be anything more than that. As a result this movie just isn’t very good at all with a lot of forgettable characters.

The movie starts off with a bunch of cruel children picking on one girl until they corner her by a window where she falls through and dies. They decide not to tell anyone and run off. Years later, someone has decided to avenge the girl. Each of the children who were involved start to get threatening phone calls confirming that they will all be dying at the prom. The heroines are grown up now though and figure these are prank calls and don’t worry about it. As the bodies start piling up they have to be careful though. Can they actually stop this monster before they are obliterated?

Schools really are quite huge so it does work as a big battleground here. For example with the big prom taking place in the main lobby, the rest of the school is completely empty. That gives the murderer plenty of places to hide. It’s a location where you can buy into a cloaked figure even camping out for the whole day. You’ve got several floors each with 12+ rooms plus restrooms and such that are completely empty. Naturally some students leave to go and have affairs and such which makes them easy pickings. In that way the prom was the easiest date to pull this off for because everybody is making the job easier. They split off on their own without telling people intentionally.

Of course it’s also annoying to see them all fall for this by the same token. You just know that the characters are doomed the instant the villain appears. As always they all just don’t know how to fight at all and can’t defend themselves. The only exception to this is a guy named Slick who has a lot of self confidence. It was impressive how he just rode up in his big car and got someone to go out with him immediately although whether it’s a feather in his cap or the lady was too easy is something we can’t say. It’s as rushed a romance as you can get so I’m not exactly going to give that a high score.

Surprisingly Slick actually made this a real fight and went back and forth with the villain for quite some time though. That scene went on for way longer than I had anticipated. Yeah the ending is probably inevitable to be sure but I always prefer when someone puts up a fight rather than meekly going down. When your life is at stake you better find some adrenaline to fight back because if you lose then that’s game over. There is no retry option or anything like that even if it would be cool to have one of those.

The main heroine here is Kim and she does feel bad about what happened. It’s just like 10 years too late but I’ll take what I can get. There isn’t a whole lot to her character though. I mean in a way her character is that she isn’t nearly as desperate as the others who are all either one with the world now or have completely moved on. You just know that they’re all doomed while Kim at least has a chance of figuring things out. Well, she is the main character so that makes sense but she also just seems a lot more reasonable than the others. She feels like your average everyday character if that makes sense.

It’s not a bad thing, I’ll take being a forgettable character over being a really bad one but you can tell that this movie was more about putting the effort in to how everyone would be bumped off rather than the characters. There actually is one side bonus to this although I think it’s probably unintentional. The characters are so forgettable that when they reveal who the villain is, it takes you a minute to remember who the character is. You quickly understand from the context clues but there will be a few moments where you scratch your head and just wonder what’s going on. It all does make sense in hindsight and in a way this is the only culprit that would make sense.

The film does offer an obvious red herring from the start but the movie forgot to be subtle about this so because of that nobody falls for it. Now in a way slasher films are always going to be doomed no matter what setting they take place in but I would argue that taking place at a school puts you at an extra disadvantage by default. First you have all of the drama and poorly developed romances going on. It makes the characters look really annoying and unprepared from the jump. Then you have the fact that the teachers and principal are inevitably not going to help or do much anyway so why even include them in here? If the movie takes place on the mountains or something then at least it’s a unique environment and you have the extra tension of trying to escape from there in one piece.

It won’t solve the core issues but it’s a start. As you’d expect the film suffers from excessive violence and poor writing. There are no really likable characters as it’s really hard to forget that opening scene. I don’t care how young they were, you have to be pretty messed up to attack that little girl the way that they did. It was a really rough way to start the film and unfortunately set the tone for how the rest of the movie was going to play out. It’s really hard to recover from a moment like that.

Overall, At least the principal tried to help things out by putting the pressure on with locating another criminal on the loose. I give him credit for doing his best, he was just doomed from the start and you as the viewer knew it. Some things just can’t be easily stopped. I don’t think there is really anything you can get from this film that can’t be found in any number of other slashers. The movie doesn’t have much in the way of redeeming values as even the mystery of trying to find out who the killer is won’t interest you very much.

Overall 2/10

Alligator Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

You ever watch a film and then afterwards think to yourself: “Oof!” That’s basically this film in a nutshell. Alligator didn’t have great prospects right from the start to be honest because films about an evil animal rarely ever do well but even for that sub genre this one wasn’t very good at all. You have a whole subplot about a bunch of dogs dying and at that point I knew there was no hope for this film. It was just going to keep falling and falling as the movie went on and that’s exactly what happens here.

The movie starts with a girl getting a pet alligator of her own but unfortunately her father flushes it into the sewers. The alligator swears revenge and over the next 10+ years it begins to grow to monstrous size. It has been destroying all the animals in the sewers and even claims a few human lives. By the time it enters the surface it is quite powerful. Can officer David manage to stop this beast? He is quick on his feet but has a reputation for bumping off his partners which is hard to lose. Additionally everyone thinks he is crazy and don’t believe in an alligator. This town is about to be in a whole lot of trouble.

So the first big issue here is the subplot that I mentioned earlier. Basically there is a scientist running experiments on growth hormones and how to make animals extra big. To do this he is kidnapping a bunch of dogs around town and murdering them all. This ends up giving the alligator more fuel of course but it also adds a lot of animal violence that just wasn’t needed in the film. It makes you cringe every time you see these scenes and there are quite a lot of them. The heroes aren’t able to do much about this guy either because he is protected by someone who is rich enough to own the police. It’s a rather vicious cycle of corruption at the top and everyone is powerless to stop them.

The worst part is that the plot doesn’t add anything of value to the story. Just have the gator find some ooze in the tunnels or something which causes him to grow. Or have a syringe fall down there which makes him big but adding all of those dogs in was just a really bad idea. I haven’t seen a film go this far with the dog deaths in quite a while and of course all of the bodies are there in full display the whole time to make things get even more gruesome. The actual violence in the film isn’t particularly surprising as you are expecting the gator to be chomping people up right from the start anyway. So when it happens that is just par for the course although of course the film should have had a bit more restraint. you don’t need to quite be to excessive with that kind of content.

There’s even one scene where a small child is eaten which I thought was also a bit much. It’s certainly a very dark scene but one that you could have done without. By this point we already know what a monster this thing is so why add onto that any further? The Alligator isn’t super fast so you like your odds when going up against it but unfortunately fort he humans they tend to trip and freeze under pressure which makes them easy targets. If they had just kept on going then things could have gone differently for them. One of the only ones you can’t blame is the kid since he was pushed into the water.

As the main character David is very underwhelming. I like that he is always very eager to solve a case and that he doesn’t let the public get to him too much. Unfortunately at the same time it is easy for one of the reporters to rile him up the whole time and his romance with Marisa is pretty bad. He just gets mean at some points for no real reason and then barely even apologizes to her. He didn’t give her much of a chance at the beginning of the movie so the whole romance is really rushed and makes no sense. It just seems to happen rather suddenly and he looks really desperate.

Sure the romance isn’t great on Marisa’s end either but at least outside of that she is decent enough. I like how determined she is to say that Alligators can’t possibly grow as large as David was saying even though all the evidence points to it. Once she has a theory she will stay very resolved in sticking to it. Then you have Thomas who is the big reporter here. He has a really personal grudge against David for some reason and is always trying to put him on the spot. A little random perhaps but this guy is trying to sell issues and maybe he just knows that David is a much easier target than most others would be. So he’s just engaging in smart business decisions here. It doesn’t make him any less of an antagonist though and you know he’s doomed from the start.

Then you have David’s boss who is in the pocket of his bosses. He will do whatever they say no matter who and what he has to betray. This guy’s really petty and not loyal at all but he is fun. The guy may get off easy but in a way it’s because David isn’t taking him seriously. Whether he plays nice or not, the boss will be listening to his bosses the whole time so it almost doesn’t matter. Finally you have Brock who is a really big hunter who is supposed to be mega impressive. Unfortunately the guy doesn’t have a good attitude and feels out of his depth from the tart. You know that he has no shot but it’s still fun to watch him because of how arrogant he is. The guy holds nothing back and also knows how to manipulate people around him into going on missions. No matter what else you think of him, the guy absolutely knows how to talk his way out of a situation.

It’s hard to know on where to start if you were going to try and fix this movie. There’s just so many bad things about it but removing the dog subplot probably does need to be the first thing you do. Throw in some better main characters while you’re at it. I think either way you don’t want to make another large alligator film again but if you have to do one for some reason then make that the main focus and don’t worry about other stuff. At the end of the day you gotta approach this carefully.

Overall, There isn’t much to like about Alligator at all. When the characters are bad and the romance is rushed in addition to everything else then you may as well just take the L because there is no coming back from that. I highly advise staying far away from this film. There just isn’t any reason to watch it and the movie will certainly drag on for you. Perhaps the sequel will actually end up being better. I don’t doubt that it will surpass the first but that’s easy to do so will it actually be a good movie or not? I’m in no immediate rush to find this out though.

Overall 1/10

The Raven Review

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I was pleasantly surprised by how good this film was. To be honest I really had low expectations for it. With that name you’re a little worried about the characters having to fight an actual Raven which would be no good and it just had the look of an old horror film that wouldn’t withstand the test of time. Instead it actually ended up being a really solid experience and had a little humor to balance things out too. For a minute there I even thought some of the dialogue was fake and added after the fact but that’s just how fun the series could be when it really tried.

The movie starts by introducing us to Craven who hasn’t been having a good time of things. His wife Lenore died a while back and yet he has not been able to recover. One day a sorcerer named Bedlo shows up after having been turned into a Raven by the notorious Scarabus. That guy is the most powerful sorcerer in the world and you absolutely do not want to get on his bad side. Craven wants nothing to do with him but Bedlo claims that he saw Lenore there. Craven knows that this is impossible and yet he wants to be sure so they head on over. Will this end up being a fatal journey for the crew or will they overcome all obstacles?

Craven does have magical abilities of his own but he’s just not sure about taking a foe like this on. He is far more powerful than Bedlo but at the same time you feel like that isn’t really saying a whole lot! It’s always best not to pick a fight when you can help it and Craven was a fun character the whole time. His own lair is quite mysterious as well the whole time. His dead father seems to still be alive to an extent with how his eyes glow and Craven seems to have a lot of resources for someone who considers himself to be a fairly meager mage.

As the film goes on we learn more about Craven and it helps him continue to improve as a character the whole time. He does great during the climax and was a determined fighter. He is polite but won’t let anyone walk all over him. If you stay on Craven’s good side then you’ll be okay but if you try anything funny then you will be in for a real shock. There is a whole lot of depth to Craven’s character and it would have been fun to see him return in a sequel or something. The world of magic introduced in this film is very interesting. Craven also just has that natural confident demeanor that makes him very likable.

Meanwhile Bedlo is more on the annoying side. He’s supremely weak and yet he is constantly mouthing off and picking fights. You’d think he would have learned his lesson the first time but the guy is blinded by his own arrogance. He’s impressed with Craven performing spells with a wand which is apparently a basic skill and he thought he could beat the most powerful sorcerer on the planet? Yeah the guy isn’t very smart at all and it really shows. You’re not rooting for him to win at all as the film goes on. Just let him be defeated already and everyone will be happy.

As for Scarabus, well he’s an interesting villain. The guy is fairly calm and doesn’t seem like someone who typically picks fights. If you show up before him then you are fair game though. The guy is still a full villain even if he’s not going around targeting people. He was fully ready to destroy Craven and friends in the end. The guy earned his reputation so you can be sure this wasn’t the first time as well. His powers were also the real deal so this made him a good adversary.

Part of what sets the film apart is the solid magical fight scenes here. Not just any film can deliver a really fun magical battle but this one pulled it off. It’s even more impressive when you remember how old the film is because the effects have absolutely aged very well. It was a creative way to show what they can do and the bright colors probably shocked the audience back in the day. Yes this was a good way to close out the film and it exceeded my original idea of how it would all turn out.

Additionally the humor was always very clever. Strange things happen and Craven always responds to them in a super calm way himself. That’s part of the charm and then other times something funny will happen really quickly while you are still processing what is going on. When Bedlo first starts talking as the Crow it’s really surreal since you just weren’t expecting that. The film had seemed so serious at the start which made the payoff for this scene so good. After that it has fun with the dry wit.

The movie’s fairly short too so it all moves at a really brisk pace. Something is happening in every scene and even before they arrive at the villain’s base you’re already off on the right foot. As for whether Lenore is a ghost or not I’ll let you decide but the way things play out is satisfying. I won’t say that everyone gets a happy ending but everyone does have a conclusive one.

Overall, The Raven is a fun film and a must watch for all horror fans. It’s not every day that you get to watch a horror with comedic elements like this after all. Vincent Price always does well as the lead and this movie is no exception to that. No matter what opponent or challenge gets in his way he will conquer it and keep it moving. I don’t think any other adaptions of Poe’s story could possibly ever beat this one.

Overall 7/10

Windchill Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

This is one of those films where I can’t say I was super hyped for it but it still managed to go below my expectations. There are really two ways this film could go. The human villain route where the guy driving the main character is a creep or the supernatural route. I would pretty much always choose the supernatural route but this film shows that sometimes you can still mess that one up too.

Gotta admit that I didn’t even notice that none of the characters had names until I looked it up. It’s a pretty interesting tactic for sure since it lets you just jump right into the story. Would have been cool if I noticed this right away but it just be like that sometimes.

So the main girl is looking for a rideshare to save some money and fortunately there is a guy driving to her destination. This is about as lucky as she can get and so they get into the car but she rebuffs all of his efforts to talk to her. She wants to be an unruly passenger and even insults him while they’re driving so now he feels sad. Eventually they crash when trying to dodge another car and now they’re stranded in the middle of nowhere in sub zero conditions. Definitely not the way you want to go out. Can they survive the night if they stay in the car or should they take their chances and try going back to the gas station?

This film loves its red herrings and making everyone look suspicious. Trust me on that one, we’ve got everything except the villainous smirk that a lot of suspects tend to have. There is just a whole collection of issues here so it’s hard to know where to start. I guess I’ll start with the characters not being very likable at all.

First up there’s the girl who has a bad attitude from the jump. First of all she’s the one who is late to the meetup spot so I don’t see where she gets off being so upset at the guy. She insults his car for no real reason and is just extremely rude. The girl doesn’t really get better until the end and even then it’s a life or death situation by that point so just about anyone would be a little nicer when their life depends on it.

I totally get her being hostile once he took them off on a shady shortcut and crashed the car. From there on out it makes sense to treat him like an enemy 100%. He does nothing to make you feel like you can trust him and only actively makes himself look less and less honorable.

Now for the guy, yeah he’s pretty bad too. For starters, driving off the road to a shady shortcut with no good explanation is naturally going to turn the girl against him. He should have realized that, it’s just patently obvious. The road didn’t look good from the start either. So he was doing this to impress her but there are better ways of doing it.

Then there’s also the fact that he acts a bit like a stalker. He knows pretty much everything about her and followed her around so he would learn about her schedule and be there to be carpool buddies. It shouldn’t have even been hard to keep this a secret but naturally he says things that he shouldn’t know and so she gets tipped off. If this guy is trying to start off with a good impression then he absolutely failed here.

The tension of if the guy is a super crook is definitely intense even if it isn’t quite my favorite scenario here at all. So then we get to the supernatural elements but that’s where the film really falls off of a cliff. So you’ve got an early instance of this where the ghosts lock the girl in the bathroom and turn off the sound so she can’t yell for help. Or more specifically she yells but nobody can hear her.

This doesn’t have much to do with anything so you can write it off as the ghosts messing around. We do see a shady guy at one of the tables who looks a lot like the Patrolman though so maybe he was already making moves. Once the crash happened then they start to really go in.

It takes a while to get going but basically the Patrolman is an evil spirit of a guy who died a while back so now he goes around murdering everyone he can. He has the ability to lower your body temperature to the point of freezing and then you die. It’s difficult or impossible for a living person to stop him since he’s a specter and he can mildly mess with reality/cause hallucinations. I mean his car is clearly very real which is always the annoying thing about fighting guys like this.

They can become intangible when needed and then go physical just in time to land a hit. Unless you have super powers of your own then you’re really doomed. The most annoying thing here aside from the heroes just being doomed against this guy is the backstory is unnecessarily edgy. Basically as a corrupt Patrolman he would force people into his cars and then ultimately murder them.

It’s a pretty tragic circumstance and this guy has been running around unchecked for many, many years. What about all of the victims he murdered? Well they’re all specters as well but are basically powerless to keep on repeating the same actions over and over. They yell and beg to be avenged and all but why don’t they fight back? The guy is able to fight as a specter so what about all of the endless people who died here? They have the numbers advantage with ease so it shouldn’t be a question of power. They should be able to win against a single guy.

It’s just a case of the villain being stronger for no real reason. If you’re going to go supernatural then go all the way with a powerful demon or something but not a normal serial killer who was so angry at the world that he got powers? Eh that’s not a great explanation at all.

There also isn’t a whole lot of scenery over here as it’s just snowy everywhere. It can be a bit spooky with all the ghosts running around too and all but it just wasn’t enough. Nothing happens for a long time and once the flashbacks start to occur then you want to go back to the present already.

Now talking about red herrings, there is a suspicious scene where the guy walks away saying he will check out the gas station but then he returns almost immediately and says that it’s closed. The girl points out that he wasn’t gone long enough to actually check and why would it be closed so early? She almost calls his bluff to check it out but decides not to. My issue is…it was too far for him to check. So did he lie about it? Did the ghosts mess with her flow of time so she was walking around for a really long amount of time? The film doesn’t give you any indication of this so we have to assume that he’s lying and it’s yet another reason not to trust him.

The movie also gets dangerously close to trying to start a bit of a romance here and that’s really not going to work. Aside from the fact that they don’t get along at all, there are much bigger things to think about right now. The ole body heat technique also feels like it’s just around to force some relationship building for them when I don’t see that working very well and you’ll just end up freezing each other.

Overall, Wind Chill is a film that I would definitely recommend avoiding. It’s a fairly classic horror film that isn’t trying to do anything new but doesn’t really commit to the approach as much as it should. The whole time loop with the evil patrolman didn’t do the film any favors either. There are some things you can do with that if the flashback was more interesting or something but this guy was a pretty awful villain so no luck there. He’s also apparently been bumping people off every year since the 60s and nobody’s thought to start an investigation? Definitely give this one a skip.

Overall 1/10

Chopping Mall Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Chopping Mall is probably a film you’ve at least heard of even if you haven’t watched it yet. It’s a fairly well known slasher film and I will give it this, it’s better than the average one. Robots work really well as the main villains. I definitely still have a lot of issues with the film as you would expect like the constant violence and super unlikable main characters but a robot is just a fresher take than the serial killer angle.

The movie starts out with the mall showing off their new security system. Basically they will have robots patrolling the premises and they can stop any intruder. Naturally lethal force won’t be used and this is supposed to be totally safe because they can scan your ID. So that should be a load off of everyone’s mind. There are two critics in attendance though and they’re taking shots the whole time. You have to admire how bold these two are because they just could not care less. She are interrupting and talking about random things the whole time. It’s too bad that they didn’t return later but do a good job of setting up some humor in the film aside from all of the murders going on the whole time.

Meanwhile a bunch of juvenile delinquents decide to hold a party after closing hours. They fool the adult quickly enough and get to work but that’s when the robots wake up. None of these guys have a valid ID after all to show that they are supposed to be here so they start to get picked off one by one. Is there any way to stop the machines or are they absolutely doomed? Only time will tell here but they will certainly need to hurry and bring their A game!

Right away you can tell that the main characters aren’t likable at all but of course that should come as no surprise. Their whole introduction is them preparing to break the rules and hook up with each other after all. Even the two who weren’t together quickly hook up that night and so they’re all eager to be in a relationship even when some barely know each other. You know that most of these characters are doomed right from the jump and I didn’t like any of them.

Greg gets a special shoutout for being extra awful though. The stress gets to him and so he decides to go after the rest of the characters a bit and even points his gun at them. When everyone is trying to focus on stopping the deadly monsters there is really no time for infighting like this. It just makes him not look very smart at all. You’d expect a little better from this guy. Now maybe you shouldn’t expect anything better from him but it was still annoying to see.

Suzie also doesn’t handle things well by leaving the group early. Sure, it was getting hot in there so they couldn’t stay put forever but jumping out early just ended up putting her in trouble and lowering their numbers right away. It’s fortunate that the mall had a weapons store so they could suit up but these robots were durable and so half the time the bullets wouldn’t do anything. It seems like they just have a few weak points where if you hit them then you’re good but it’s hard to aim for those.

It’s a bit rough for Mike and Leslie because they didn’t really have any prep time here. Whenever the first ones are bumped off you can’t blame them as much for being unprepared since the whole situation is new. It’s everyone else that you will hold to a higher standard since they have time to prep and get ready. Allison is the main heroine here and so she holds up a little better but unlike a lot of other films where the main heroine is usually shown to be a much better person than the others, I wouldn’t say that is totally the case here. She goes along with this plan of everyone’s and still gets together with Ferdy quickly so she wouldn’t be left out. Likewise Ferdy feels like just another one of the guys.

Perhaps they aren’t being quite as out of control as the others but I would say the difference isn’t anything major. It would have been nice to have really had some characters to root for. I should mention that we do have the janitor here, some cops, and a tech guy but les just say that none of them are very much help here. The robots are already too powerful by this point and the adults have really bad reaction times so they can never help out at all. That seems to always be the adults role in these kinds of things. Only the teens can save the day and that’s why they’re doomed.

In terms of the murders it’s all fairly traditional stuff. When the robot shows up with their lasers you know the humans are doomed and they all get violently murdered. You can expect a lot of violence in a film like this. Also a lot of fanservice with all of the characters hooking up and the usual fake kinds of romances set up here. They all feel like quick one night stands just for kicks and don’t really do anything for the plot. So there isn’t any large period of time where you’re having a blast here.

I guess the intro to the film was the best part because at least I liked the critics. Those guys really seemed to be holding the mall to a high standard and were not going to just back down without getting their 2 cents in. I know the film is aiming to be part horror with the teens on their own but I do think it would be more entertaining if we had all of the adults in here as well. The robots would definitely have to be working overtime to take them all down but they’re equipped and ready to handle that. Their energy reserves are super high thanks to the lightning bolt as it is. It would change the flow of the film a bit and potentially give us at least some characters to root for. Trust me, this would be for the best, no doubt.

Overall, Chopping Mall isn’t really going to do anything for you beyond the usual slasher experience. The mall makes for a good backdrop though. It’s always nostalgic seeing it because I loved my local mall back before it closed all the foodstores. A mall just has such great variety so it always works really well to have that around. The robots were also a good idea and I would absolutely make more films with robotic villains if I were these writers. Just step away from the slasher genre and you should have a winning formula right there. We’ll see if that happens though.

Overall 2/10

The Leopard Man Review

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I have to say that this movie would have been a bit more suspenseful with a different title. It sort of takes away from the mystery you know? Now in some ways maybe originally they weren’t sure what angle to take with the film but most of the film plays up the experience as a suspenseful mystery so calling it “The Leopard” would have been much more effective if you ask me.

So the movie starts with a leopard being brought in to spice up a rather boring nightclub scene. It certainly draws some attention but not what Jerry had planned as it ends up murdering a lady named Teresa and escapes into town. Now everyone is terrified that they could be next and the thing is…they could be. The bodies start piling up and so the heroes have to find this leopard but it’s proven to be difficult. It’s also odd that the leopard would hang around town for so long and not be seen.

So the mystery here of course is to find the leopard…but then that title is rather interesting now isn’t it? Hmm…really makes you think. Really….well yeah so there is a human villain running around too. It does stretch my disbelief a bit that each victim could be murdered in such a realistic way as to mimic a leopard without anyone noticing. Yes he would always wait until the women were alone but it seems like this would take time and cause a lot of noise so you’d think someone would be around. It’s pretty rough that there’s no night traffic in this city.

It’s definitely a rather grim movie with everyone getting bumped off by the serial killer. The leopard does work well as a solid red herring because he actually does claim a victim as well. If not for the title I don’t think you would assume that this is a human until rather deep in the film when one guy keeps on insisting that it wouldn’t be possible. This is where some characters start to get really annoying though.

First off is the leopard’s owner Charlie who defends his pet but then Dr. Galbraith starts to suggest that maybe Charlie is murdering people after he gets drunk at night. And Charlie actually starts to believe this. Look, if you’re drinking so much that you black out and seriously think you could be murdering people then that means you have drunk way too much. There’s just no way around that, it’s the only logical conclusion here. I would have preferred if Charlie was a little stronger than that.

Meanwhile Clo-Clo is warned by Maria that she is in danger and something dark is approaching. Considering that there have already been murders by this point you’d think this would be serious but instead she runs off in the dead of night to reclaim her $100 and things don’t go over very well. She wasn’t the nicest character so you were expecting her to die the whole time but it’s still really tragic. Cmon the fortune teller did her best!

Not that I would pay Maria much mind myself but I wouldn’t go out of my way to test out the fortunes either. Maria probably could have been more helpful instead of constantly hiding the results and asking for a redo but in the end it doesn’t seem like it would have done a whole lot of good. Jerry is okay I guess but kind of forgettable. I don’t blame him for bringing in the leopard since by all accounts this should have been fairly safe. I do blame him for pretending he doesn’t care much to keep up appearances while worrying later on. Just be frank with everyone that this is a pretty bad situation.

Kiki is the main heroine here and the whole thing is pretty rough on her as well. So much for being the next sensation at the disco club with everything going on. She does decide to take a bold approach in helping to find the murderer so that was brave of her. She seems like a good person all in all. As for the murderer, well he’s rather crazy so there isn’t a whole lot to say about him. He just went looney and used this as an excuse to start taking names. It feels like it’s inevitable that this would have happened at some point with how quickly he cracked though and he just would have had a different gimmick. You’re glad things don’t end up going well for him.

There’s really not a whole lot to this film being the murders. It’s really short so the film has to go fast and just start bumping everyone off. The most tragic murder is easily the first one since the girl’s family were just so over the top mean about the whole thing. You’d think they would open the door when she’s begging for her life and in clear terror. Even from the start sending her out in the dead of night when there is a beast on the loose is crazy. Yeah you don’t want to be in that household, that’s for sure.

I will say that the film has good writing though. I did enjoy the exchanges between all of the characters and the dialogue style is something that’s hard to recreate compared to these older films. They just had a very distinguished air about them that always worked really well. Mix that in with the short length and at least it is a silver lining here. It would be nice if the characters had more time to do some serious investigating as opposed to being spoonfed the information needed to solve the case though.

Overall, The Leopard Man is definitely a skip. It probably wouldn’t have gone much better if the leopard was the main villain either to be honest since the climax would probably get a bit sketchy in that case. This doesn’t make for a very fun film in large part due to how tragic the deaths are. They’re described in decent detail here and while it’s inevitable that a bunch of people will die in a film like this, there aren’t a lot of light moments to really help you enjoy the film despite them. It’s not super violent or anything but the villain gets away with a whole lot before being caught.

Overall 3/10

Dominion: Prequel to the Exorcist Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

Wait we’re back to the Exorcist again? Not to be outdone by the third film, this one adds animal violence, nazi’s, and an evil tribe here to cause some trouble. Now I would say that the third film is nothing if not competitive when going to the bottom and still does end up surpassing this one as being worse but Dominion put up a good fight and nobody can take that away from it. There aren’t many exorcisms here at all as we’ve come to expect from the series since that was mainly focused on in the first but we still get a dramatic finish with a lot of yelling.

So the movie starts with the Nazi’s rushing in to terrorize a small village. First they make sure to break father Merrin by having him choose 10 sacrifices and it was all a cruel test to break his spirit and resolve. Merrin changed paths to being a travelling architect as he digs around in ruins that may have some religious ties. Well this time he is accompanied by Father Francis as the group is worried about Merrin. Turns out that they should have been worried about the whole village. See the temple was protecting them from the devil demon and now he’s here to destroy them all. He decides to inhabit Cheche, a guy who can’t really talk much and suffered a grave injury but is healing really quickly. The heroes are going to need to watch out now.

It’s hard to know where to begin with this one. Almost immediately when the film starts up we see a bunch of people torturing an animal to weaken him up for being a sacrifice and it reminds you of what a cruel practice that is. Any cruelty to animals is always awful and so right away you’re not really rooting for the village at all. Merrin and the translator Chuma try to defend the practice but to no avail. It’s definitely something that should be completely outlawed by force if necessary. There are animals dying and being injured throughout the film and that definitely serves to ensure that the film never gains any momentum. It is quickly stripped away whenever that may be close to happening.

There also aren’t many likable characters here at all. The only one who seemed decent was father francis but of course he is powerless to stop the demon. The holy water doesn’t do much and when he tries to read the scriptures he is promptly taken down. You would think that he would have moved faster with the water when the demon was waking up though. Just push his head into the water or something, don’t want and dramatically drop a few driplets on him. I always thought this is something the heroes should do more of, forget the small sprinkling and just chug a gallon of the stuff at him. It would be way more effective in theory.

Unfortunately a big part of the movie is about how the demon’s influence eventually catches up to everyone and that happens here as well. Basically just by existing the demon turns people evil and so the humans start to turn on each other. There’s this whole subplot where the British come in with an army and start shooting the tribe members to enact revenge on them. The divide between the two gets worse as the film goes on and then at one point a tribe member murders a bunch of kids so that they can’t learn from Father Francis anymore.

There aren’t really any winners here. By the end of the film everyone is really broken. There’s the main heroine Rachel who stays strong for a while but then also gets corrupted. One of the worst scenes for Merrin is when she shows up and effortlessly seduces him while he was on the trail of the demon. Not the best time to be tempted and you’d think that he would have held strong here. Well, actually I’m not sure how much confidence I really had in the guy to be honest but he still disappointed me there.

Merrin gets to sort of relive the past thanks to the demon and try some other things out but ultimately there was no easy way to get out of the situation. He definitely shouldn’t have sold the 10 people out though. It was a really bad situation but honestly the best thing to do there is make a play for the gun and hope for the best. Sometimes there are no perfect ways out of a scenario and you just have to try your best. By the end of the film Merrin gets his confidence back at least.

The character you probably feel the most sorry for here is Chuma the whole time. It’s rough being a translator because half the time you are having to translate messages that are no fun for anybody and as a result you’re in the line of fire now. If I was him I definitely would have gotten out of there real fast after a while. Unfortunately there probably aren’t many opportunities in the area so leaving is a risk all on its own but anything surely has to be better than staying there right? At least it feels like that would be the case.

This film does remember that it’s supernatural and isn’t trying to hide it most of the time like in III so we do get some decent visuals at times. The green light as everything got trippy near the end was pretty intense. I also liked the clock that appeared in one scene but I have to admit that the effects were so bad that the scene was unintentionally a bit funny. Just a bit mind you but I was starting to crack up. It just made for a really funny visual even if that was not the intent.

The demon’s final form was also the opposite of intimidating even when his face would turn pale like a true demon’s. It’s just not easy to take him seriously as a great villain but they never are in these films. If the characters would just grab some guns and rock the guy you feel like he would go down. Temporarily I suppose since you can never seem to truly get rid of them.

There just isn’t much to enjoy here as with the other Exorcist films. The whole thing is so dark, dreary, and relentless. The heroes don’t have much of a chance at stopping the demon for a while because they don’t even know that they’re fighting one. By the time they do there are so many dead bodies that the heart of the village is gone.

Overall, This is another film to avoid for sure. An exorcist prequel just didn’t need to exist, much less two of them. At least this one has a decent ending, in fact I would say it easily beats the rest since it’s actually happy if anything. I suppose that’s the benefit of being a prequel since you can’t just bump everyone off or ends things rather grimly. I suppose they could have and suddenly the film wouldn’t be canon but that’s a very risky move at best. In theory it’s all uphill from here but we’ll see if that’s actually the case or not for the series.

Overall 0/10

The Exorcist III Review

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This review is of the TV-14 edited version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

We’re back into the world of the Exorcist…oh nooooooo! Yeah that means we’re in for quite the ride here as the film mainly drags on endlessly with the villain giving a lot of ramblings about not much at all. You’ll quickly realize that the film’s not going to be a satisfying watch except the knowledge that it’s over. There are no more sequels….yet.

So the film kicks off with introducing us to Kinderman who will be the main character this time. He’s a police lieutenant and he’s seen a lot of things over the years. The world has fallen to ruin and evil seems to run rampant at this time. His friend Dyer tries to help him see that things aren’t so bad but fails completely due to a new serial murderer showing up. He claims to be the original Gemini killer from long ago and he is possessing the body of Damien. Not the same Damian from a certain other horror series but I had fun treating this as a bit of a crossover tbh. Kinderman knows this can’t be Gemini but at the same time how is this guy pulling off all of these murders from his cell? Is he getting someone to let him out at night? It’s time to crack this mystery!

Now if the film wasn’t called “The Exorcist” then you may figure the main character has a chance. Grab all of the clues and just find out whoever the main villain is. Find the method of attack and stop it. This had all the bearings of a cop case like that but because you see the title you know that it’s all a ruse and clearly something supernatural is going on here. Yeah that’s unfortunate because now he has absolutely no chance of claiming victory and you just have to watch a lot of grisly murders with no reason behind them.

Part of the issue with films like the Exorcist is that the heroes have no way of stopping this guy. They’re fighting an immortal demon who can possess anybody at will and will never truly die since he can just fly somewhere else. The whole thing seems incredibly futile and what’s worse is that there is no way to prove that the villain is a demon so at any point he can just hop into another body and frame the heroes. It’s all just so hopeless and that takes a lot of the fun away from the chase. Why bother getting invested here when victory is impossible?

It’s why even in action shows I much prefer when the hero or villain has at least a slim shot of putting up a fight. A one sided massacre on either side can become boring if it carries on for too long. Give me at least a glimmer of hope even if you’re going to yank it away. The reason there is none here is because in every film the heroes start yelling scriptures at the demons and taking out the cross but always die in the end. At best sometimes they can temporarily take the demon down with them but the human stays dead for good while the demon eventually regenerates.

While it’s not the best series, at least Blue Exorcist has clear rules on how you permanently destroy a spirit. Then you have the all stars like Twin Star Exorcists where you just need to destroy a villain with holy weapons and they stay dead. Give me clear rules for engagement and you’re set but otherwise you just turn into another Jeeper’s Creepers where the villain is completely invincible the whole time.

Another reason this film is so bad is because way too much time is spent on Damien’s ramblings. He just goes on and on and on and as the viewer you have absolutely no interest in anything that he has to say. It’s just a serial killer’s crazed ramblings and you’re constantly checking the clock to see if the speech is really as long as you think it is. It doesn’t service the plot because we know it is crazy and all this does is remind us of that. If I wanted to watch some crazed ramblings there are plenty of Youtube videos for it but to sit there and have to listen to that is mind boggling. Any scene with him in the cell is just awful.

It goes without saying that the film is super violent and disturbing the whole time as well. Everyone is getting murdered by this guy and to add some extra edge to the mix he makes sure to at least bump someone off while they are in a church. There is just no protection from the demon inhabiting Damien and as always the dark side seems way more powerful than the light. This is not a film you watch for the heroes to take the lead.

Kinderman is also portrayed as extremely old in this one. I’m not sure if the actor was sick during filming or something but he has a really hard time breathing during the film and it’s noticeable as he has to take a deep breath after every few lines which doesn’t exactly strike fear into the hearts of the villains. Nobody is going to be scared of a guy like this, why should they be? The heroes are on the defensive the whole time and then you also have the doctors who appear corrupt at times. At least one of them was being blackmailed and another was being so unhelpful that she may as well have been in on it.

We do get the classic scene of someone crawling on the ceiling but there’s not much point to it at all. I mean in context I guess the demon is taunting Kinderman but that doesn’t work because the main guy doesn’t notice and all that would have done was alert him to the body hopping earlier. Yeah I’m telling you this is a big skip for sure. It’s not like this even adds all that much to the lore of the verse so skipping it won’t have you missing anything. I mean if you liked the first film than you may like this one as well but there just isn’t much to salvage here at all.

Overall, the only slight positive I can give here is that there was one catchy tune that played earlier. Yeah that’s about it. The film quickly drops off a cliff after that. It may succeed in trying to have a sinister atmosphere that basically feels evil the whole time but as a result there are no fun moments here or times where you can cheer along with the movie. This isn’t that kind of movie and any movie where you don’t smile at least once during it is one that didn’t understand the assignment. A good film should leave you feeling good afterwards and this one is just so cruel and mean spirited that it won’t succeed. It has the rare distinction of hitting rock bottom so you definitely need to avoid it.

Overall 0/10