Tag Archives: Horror

Godzilla Resurgence Review

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Godzilla is a series that I had always wanted to check out, but it took me quite a while to do so. Finally, about 2-3 years ago I went back and checked out every movie in chronological order. To this date, it is probably one of my biggest achievements. This film would be my first Japanese Godzilla film in theaters so I was ready for a blast and a half. It’s definitely a very solid film and Godzilla certainly does appear more than he did in the American film, at least it felt that way to me. While it definitely loses to a lot of the classic Godzilla films as I enjoy the Mega Monster brawls, this will certainly be remembered as a classic.

The plot is fairly standard for a G film. Godzilla has arisen and now the Government must try to find a way to suppress him before the whole planet is put at risk. Japan will have to do this while also keeping the foreign governments happy. America is willing to use their nuclear options and wipe Tokyo off the map if necessary. The old guard is at the end of their ropes so it is time for the next generation-led by Yaguchi, to save the day. The real question is..can they defeat the King of the Monsters?

Controversially, this film was confirmed to not have any antagonist for Godzilla from early on. That was a shame in my opinion because the monster fights are the main reason why I love the Godzilla films so much. There are many films that only have a single monster like the Beast from 20,000 Fathoms or King Kong, but the battles are what separates Godzilla from the pack. Not to mention that in my very controversial opinion, the films where Godzilla has no antagonist are typically the weaker ones. One day I want to come up with my personal list of where I would rank each Godzilla film. It’ll be difficult though since there are so many and you can make a great case for most of them. Sometimes I can barely put Final Wars as my favorite because GMK and the classic Ghidorah The Three Headed Monster are so good.

Lets launch into the positives. I was expecting this Godzilla film to be really serious and over the top dark based on the title. “Shin” usually means that something is going to be dark and dreary. The film is serious, but Resurgence has a lot of light hearted moments. I got to see this in a fairly packed theater with an energetic crowd and people were laughing constantly. The film feels just as comedic as the original Showa films at some point. It may not always be intentional, but I think it definitely was for at least 80-90% of the scenes. It’s good to be able to mix these tone shifts and the film does it quite well.

The humans never come across as annoying. Yaguchi is a good lead. He may panic from time to time, but he also comes up with a lot of good ideas and never gives up. The American representative Kayoko is also pretty likable. I always like having an American character step into the fray and she feels American right from the start. She is very direct and quippy as opposed to the other serious characters. I also appreciated the film’s restraint with not pushing for a very unrealistic and sudden romance and keeping things professional instead. Friendship isn’t dead quite yet and people can get along without having to take the next step. The Prime Minister was also fun as he was clearly out of his depths, but tried to keep on a tough face. Watching him and the group switch from room to room was definitely entertaining.

The film showed how having a lot of bureaucracy can be a very bad thing. It’s hard to act on a situation when you have to jump through so many hoops. The film portrays America in a very good light as a result as the country does whatever it wants whenever it wants too. America promotes young people who have fresh ideas and it has led to them becoming a global power. America was also portrayed with the might that is appropriate for them as their missiles are the first thing to actually injure Godzilla. They dealt quite a lot of damage and while I don’t think a nuclear missile would have finished Godzilla off, they are one of the only placed to have such an arsenal up their sleeve. I was definitely very satisfied.

Naturally, seeing Godzilla was also a blast. Shooting Atomic Breath out of his spikes and out of his tail was awesome and the whole crowd cheered quite a bit during this moment. It’s a little morbid since he basically took out an entire city, but who wasn’t rooting for Godzilla? I was definitely on Team Kaiju from the start. Godzilla keeps the army at bay for quite a while and he looks fairly tough as you would expect. However, I wasn’t completely thrilled with his portrayal as I had some negatives.

My first gripe is that they went with CGI for Godzilla instead of a suit. CGI can work decently well at times I suppose, but this wasn’t one of them. This is easily the worst Godzilla design of all time aside from the 1998 film which barely counts. People chuckled when Godzilla first appeared in his Rooster form and I was fairly shocked. Luckily, it was just something to throw us off, but I don’t think that Godzilla’s first stage should look like that. Even once he turned into his final form, Godzilla felt fairly off. I’m not crazy about the fact that it always looks like he is bleeding when he walks and that he has to shoot out blood in his first form.

While I don’t mind the narrow stream of Atomic Breath, it certainly looks more impressive when it is a wide blast. Also, I don’t like the way his face has to completely open up in order to shoot the blast. It looks a little gross and disturbing like the Predator’s true face in the classic horror series. It almost makes it seem like a weakness as he will be very vulnerable during that time. The back rays are still cool as they can react in time to stop high speed missiles, but Godzilla shouldn’t run out of energy so quickly. I always have to mention moments that I deem as “plot hax” in these films and Resurgence is no exception. The humans obviously have to come up with some kind of plan at the end, but I would have been more content with Godzilla just walking away like in the 2014 movie. Without going into detail, the plan should not have worked. Godzilla seemed to lose all of his smarts as he walked into every trap and expended energy when he did not need too. It should have been game over for the humans right from the get go and even knocking him down was a bit of a stretch. Either this Godzilla is less durable than some of the others or he just underestimated them. If the film was trying to portray the latter, I didn’t quite buy into it.

The soundtrack for the film is definitely pretty good. There were one or two themes that were memorable like the opera esque tune. Seeing the original Godzilla theme return with a new remix was definitely a lot of fun as well. I was actually expecting more homages to the original films, but I suppose you don’t really need them since the film holds up so well on its own. I really would have liked a good cliffhanger to end the film though. I suppose you could count a certain scene as a possible cliffhanger, but I wanted another monster to roar or something. This film seems like it isn’t really leading up to a sequel so maybe we’ll the next live action film will be another take on the classic franchise.

While listing all of the films in order is tough, in order to celebrate Godzilla’s latest film I thought I’d give it my best shot in this review. Tentatively here’s how I rank them and each row is in order. Keep in mind that these ranks are comparatively so just because a Godzilla film is in D rank doesn’t mean that I consider it to be remotely as bad as films like Pixels and I Know What You Did Last Summer. I’m doing this list off of my head so I’m not looking at my older reviews or blog posts for reference. As a result, the list may look a little different than it would if we went purely by the scores that I gave. It’s been a while since I saw these films so I may remember them differently, but I also didn’t have time to look at all of my posts so this was a little simpler.

S Rank Godzilla Final Wars, GMK, Ghidorah The Three Headed Monster, Godzilla vs Hedorah, Godzilla vs Mecha Godzilla II, Godzilla (2000), Terror of Mecha Godzilla

A Rank Godzilla vs King Kong, Godzilla vs Mecha Godzilla, Godzilla Against Mecha Godzilla, Godzilla Tokyo SOS, Invasion of the Astro Monster, Godzilla vs Destoroyah, Mothra vs Godzilla

B Rank Godzilla vs Space Godzilla, Godzilla vs King Ghidorah, Godzilla vs Ebirah, Godzilla’s Revenge, Godzilla vs Gigan, Godzilla vs Mothra, Godzilla vs Megalon

C Rank Destroy All Monsters, Godzilla (2014) Son of Godzilla, Godzilla Resurgence

D Rank Godzilla Raids Again, Gojira (1954), Godzilla vs Biollante, Godzilla (1998), The Return of Godzilla, Godzilla vs Megaguirus

It’s definitely tough to list them all and my feelings on the films can be really contradictory. Take Godzilla (2014) and Godzilla Resurgence as they are the two latest films. On one hand, I feel like Godzilla was easily the more intense film. The action scenes were great and the Muto made for a really good villain. The mythos around the film are more interesting and the ending was much better. On the other hand, the human characters in Resurgence were far superior as well as the writing and the pacing. Resurgence never drags on or has any real filler scenes. It captures the impact of Godzilla’s first appearance a lot better and the comedic tones work really well. So…should Godzilla really beat Resurgence? Both films are just so close that it is really hard to stick with one over the other for long, but alas decisions must be made at some point.

Overall, Godzilla Resurgence is definitely a fun film. The humans are easily some of the most interesting and least annoying ones that I have seen in a very long time. I also haven’t seen a Japanese live action film in a very long time so it is interesting to see how they film the movie as opposed to the ones that I’m used too. There are a lot more close ups on the characters, which worked well for comedic effect, but I don’t think I would want that to happen too often. The only real weak point of the movie is the fact that there are no other monsters and that Godzilla’s design isn’t all that good. Still, I definitely recommend it to all Godzilla fans and to anyone that likes a good creature feature. The pacing is very quick so the film never drags on. I look forward to seeing the new Godzilla animated film or the American one coming up. Either way, I will be awaiting them at the theater.

Overall 7/10

Night Monster Review

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It’s time for another retro film with monster in the title, but no actual creature to be found. That’s never a good sign and this is another film that’s not all that great. It tries its best to be spooky and intense, but annoying characters and sad moments end up making this another film with a lot that is left to be desired. Ah well, at least you can take solace in the fact that this proves an old guy really just needs some magic in order to get back into the world. Don’t look at that line too closely for spoiler purposes though.

The premise starts with three doctors visiting an old guy (Curt) that they were unable to help a while back. He is now crippled and may blame the doctors for his current condition. Nevertheless, he has invited them to his mansion in the middle of nowhere for some reason. These three men suspect nothing, but maybe they should. A psychiatrist by the name of Lynn also shows up as she was called by Margaret, Curt’s sister to prove that Margaret isn’t actually crazy. The girl knows more than she lets on, but the house maid tries to prevent Lynn from finding anything out.

Curt’s big revelation is that he has a mystic by the name of Agar who is able to summon bleeding skeletons back to life to do all sorts of things. They can create objects out of nothing, but these objects only last for a limited period of time. The plot thickens when one of the scientists die and then the body count starts to rise. Who is behind these deaths. Could it be one of the Doctors? Is it the mystery writer, Dick, or is it maybe the Butler? There is no shortage of suspects to be found here.

The whole thing could have been pretty interesting. The concept certainly isn’t bad and I do like a good murder mystery. This film just tried too hard to be edgy instead and digs its own grave. For starters, we have Lawrie. He’s your classic sexist character from the old days and he goes after a lady who doesn’t live past the first 20-30 minutes. She wants to get out of the house because it has gotten a little too dangerous, but she makes the mistake of heading back there after dark. The monster was ready by then along with the fact that her taxi driver was gullible and deserted her after he was told that she was going to spend the night. Did he really think that she would after she had gone to such lengths to escape?

Her dying isn’t really the terrible part. It was rather tragic, but it was handled all right. The main sad part is that initially Lawrie gave her a drive, but then quickly has his way with her before another guy happened to show up and get her out of the tough spot. Lawrie spends the rest of the film flirting with other characters and also attempts to get physical again when he is interrupted by Dick. Some of the characters know about his antics, but nobody speaks up about it. Lawrie eventually bites the dust, but his presence severely hurt the film.

Curt’s not a bad old man. He’s passive aggressive with the 3 scientists quite a lot and also tries to boss around his sister. I don’t think she should have gone for that since as siblings they should be roughly equal, but she is far too timid the whole time. She also knows a great deal about who the culprit is, but doesn’t help until it is far too late and at least 50% of the cast has already been bumped off. As you can tell, I didn’t care much for Margaret. Curt was fairly average. I didn’t really find him to be unreasonable. He can be a little generic, but that’s not too bad I suppose.

Rolf’s a fairly mean butler, but I’d expect nothing less. He should have certainly had Lawrie fired ages ago though so I doubt his credibility as a professional. He’s not really a bad character so you should definitely peg him as a suspect. There’s also Agar, the mystical fellow who can summon the skeletons. I found him to mostly just be annoying and he’s also someone that knows a lot about what is going on. He’s super suspicious and even if he is not guilty, you can really call him an accomplice.

Lynn was the “tough” female lead who talks back to Curt and tries not to get bossed around, but her attempts do not always work. Her romance with Dick is certainly pretty awful and considering that she seems to realize that everyone is trying to keep her away from Margaret, she should have made more of an effort to stay with her. By the time she acts, Margaret has already started to get a split personality and cracks in her memory. Lynn took way too long.

Dick’s the classic tough guy and you could call him the main character. His role isn’t as big as you would expect based on that title, but he’s completely full of confidence and that sets him apart from the rest. He’s your stereotypical lead in basically every way. He tries to be heroic and sees to it that justice is served. There’s not much to him, but that’s okay I suppose.

Finally, we actually do have a character that’s not just good, but great. This is Captain Beggs, the only character who talks tough to the whole cast. They passive aggressively try to get him to leave many times, but he just insults them and keeps on going. This guy isn’t having any of that and just about every one of his lines is hardcore. Even when he’s threatened with lines like “You and what army?” he always has a response ready. “Just me” Beggs doesn’t back down to anyone and while he may be a little slow to pick up on the clues sometimes, he’s always brave. He heads into shadowy closets without hesitation and since he is picking a fight with a rich guy who has influence, Beggs clearly doesn’t care about that either. He was a silver lining in a film that was rather dreadful otherwise.

At the very least, the film really tries its best to throw in a lot of red herrings so that the culprit isn’t too obvious. The ploys fail and you will probably guess who the main villain is within the first 10 minutes. The motive is simply too rich for the writers to pass up on even if the film does its best to try and make you doubt it. The film, while not overly long, also does a decent job of spreading time out between each murder so you can have the characters all show up again as you try to guess who is guilty. Tension is always crucial in these kinds of films so you want them to have time to run around and try to figure things out.

Overall, This film simply couldn’t stay classy. Lawrie single handily destroyed the film so blame him on its low score. If you can get past him then maybe you’ll enjoy this film, but I recommend checking out another classic murder mystery like And Then There Were None instead. Even if this film was all right, there are simply better options to choose from in the same genre so there is no point for you to be desperate enough to choose this one. The title is also just super misleading. I guess some films want to be “cool” by making the term monster rather figurative like in the new Cloverfield film, but it just doesn’t work for me. If you mention the word monster, then I’m going to be expecting something a little more epic. Also, the final scuffle should have not been so close, the heroes simply got sloppy. Finally, there was no real reason for the skeletons to bleed. That seemed to only be around so the characters could have clues to run with. There’s no logical reason for that to happen…it’s like the film just needed an excuse for it to occur so the film would have a gimmick. The problem is that the supernatural angle never transforms from a gimmick into something meaningful.

Overall 1/10

Twice Told Tales Review

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Remember that time when anthologies were going to be the next big thing? Well, I can’t remember that either so no prob. Anthologies really limit the amount of success that a film can have. Think of it this way, you may manage to actually get a good story in there, but then it probably would have been even more awesome if it was longer. Alternately, you may have a bad story in here that is dragging down the good ones. There are three stories here and as expected, the second one drags the other two down. It’s fairly painful and the first story is decent while the third one is on the weak side. Bring them all together and it doesn’t exactly make for explosive results.

Dr. Heidegger’s Experiment is the first story and my favorite of the three. Carl invites Alex to celebrate his birthday. They’ve been close friends for decades and Carl is very happy to have had such a loyal friend. One day, a lightning strike opens up the tomb where his late fiance has been resting. A mystical water has kept her body preserved for decades and it has the ability to restore youth to any who drink it. Carl and Alex quickly age back to their primes and also manage to bring Sylvia back to life. The problem? It turns out that Sylvia and Alex were cheating on Carl behind his back the entire time and they decide not to be subtle about it anymore. Carl decides that one of them has to die, but will everything go according to his plan?

The story does a pretty good job of leading into the climax. It is fairly interesting from the get go and for a little while, I was pleasantly surprised that these two friends…were still friends. I had been expecting some kind of betrayal and it began to look like this wouldn’t happen once they both got young again. Of course, this all blew up when the fiance was revived. I can’t say that I was too thrilled about this. A 60+ year friendship thrown away just like that? The segment was definitely at its best before Sylvia woke up. It’s amazing how quickly the entire tone of a film can change. It still made for an interesting watch.

Rappaccini’s Daughter is the second segment in the film and this is the weak one. There is a Beatrice is a girl who is stuck in the garden because her body is very poisonous. Any contact with another person will result in death for him/her while Beatrice will be okay. Rappaccini did this because his wife cheated on him so this was his way of ensuring that Beatrice would never do the same when she grew up. Now, she would have to only pick one person and then Rappaccini would poison that guy so the two of them could be together forever. The main guy in this film was Giovanni and he isn’t too thrilled at this. Nonetheless, he gives Rappaccini the benefit of the doubt and accepts a quick drink. It naturally had a sleeping drug in it so Giovanni wakes up to find that he has been poisoned. I don’t think he thought this through.

The main problem with the film is the fact that there is a lot of animal violence in this segment. To show off Beatrice’s poison abilities, she infects several animals and we have to watch them die. It’s rather unnecessary if you ask me, but Giovanni was very slow on the uptake so he didn’t buy into it until she showed him a few times. No matter the reason, animal violence is a great way to completely doom a segment. There was no escape at this point. The ending’s also pretty bad. Giovanni decides that he’d rather die than be forced to just be with Beatrice for the rest of his life so he destroys himself by drinking a vial of anti-poison. Beatrice decides to follow suit and destroys herself with the poison so then Rappaccini destroys himself with a plant. Talk about a super dark gritty ending eh? All three of these guys met a rather untimely demise in such a short amount of time. I suppose it was inspired by Romeo and Juliet, but it was still handled rather poorly.

Finally, the third story was called House of The Seven Gables. Gerald realizes that he is one step away from being incredibly rich. All he has to do in order to claim his riches is to find the legendary treasure that was left at his family’s mansion. All of the men before him have died due to a curse and he is the last male left in the family, but that doesn’t stop him. His wife, Alice, and his sister, Hannah, are also along for the ride whether they like it or not. When Alice starts to get possessed by a ghost and starts to cheat on Gerald with a neighbor by the name of Jonathan, tensions quickly rise. Will Gerald find the treasure or is the curse simply too much for him?

This segment certainly did have the best scene in the film. Watching Gerald walk up to the treasure chest to finally get rich was pretty suspenseful. Then watching the skeleton hand slowly float towards the guy and choke him was pretty rich. The scene maybe lasts a little too long as the hand wants to end the curse properly, but the shock value was handled rather well. If you learn anything in horror films, it’s that you never want to trip when something is out to get you. It rarely ends well.

The characters were a lot more annoying here than in the other specials though. Gerald is essentially a villain from the get go. Alice proves to be a very easy person who will fall for a guy in about 15 minutes. Even if they knew each other in a past life, that doesn’t help. You can’t even like Jonathan since he is encouraging Alice to cheat on her husband. The sister wasn’t bad, but she probably should have thought a little more before threatening and insulting the villain who is holding an axe. Just food for thought, but I guess it’s a little too late for a heads up eh?

I found it interesting that all three stories involved someone getting cheated on. You really can’t trust anyone in these stories now can you? I wonder if the writers were paranoid about that kind of thing or if it was a pure coincidence. Either way, it was definitely something worth noting. In the end, none of the three stories were particularly strong and this isn’t a horror film that will end up being one of your all time favorites or anything like that. Trust me when I say that it could have certainly been a lot worse though. Story 2 not withstanding, I’ve certainly seen worse horror films and even counting that one, there are lesser titles out there.

Overall, Twice Told Tales isn’t terrible. The first special is fairly passable and the third one isn’t too bad, but the second one dooms the film as a whole. That’s the problem with anthologies, there is always that one special that is ready to bring everything else down. At the very least, this does beat most of the horror films that I’ve seen over the years. That’s some slight bragging rights I’d say. I wouldn’t really recommend it though and if you want a proper scare, you should check out Dragon Ball Evolution.

Overall 3/10

Awake Review

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This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be read as such. A review of the unedited version would likely be even more negative..which is hard to believe, but that’s just how bad this film is.

It’s time to look at another film that kicked the bucket. What’s impressive about Awake is that it is even worse than the last two films that I reviewed and manages to score a perfect 0. Trust me, that is pretty hard to do since you have to make a lot of mistakes and keep yourself from doing anything right. Awake pulled it off, but unfortunately, that isn’t something that it can really brag about in the future. The concept behind Awake doomed it from the start, but it doesn’t help that most of the main characters are fairly unlikable and/or not that smart though. Ah well…let’s dive into this!

Clay has had a serious medical condition for a while now. He must finally go for the risky heart transplant operation or lose it all. He wants his friend Dr. Harper to do the surgery while his mother wants him to go with the world’s greatest surgeon instead, but Clay refuses. He has a quick marriage with Sam and then decides that he is ready. Unfortunately, Dr. Harper plans to destroy Clay in his sleep and the truly diabolical part of this is that Clay is awake throughout the whole operation. He can try to endure the pain, but his fate is sealed.

There are a multitude of reasons why this film faces the 0 star review that only truly horrible titles earn. For starters, this plot is basically about Clay being tortured. He is strapped to a table and is being cut open while having no chance to do anything about it. He can’t even call for help since he is paralyzed. That’s a terrible plot premise and I can’t stand torture so a whole movie about that was never going to be higher than a 0. It’s just not fun to watch and I mentally checked out after the first 5 minutes. I’m still watching, but mostly looking for little things to enjoy as the reviewing phase of the film was already basically sealed. I could take off the metaphorical reviewing cap and call it a day. The rest of the film wasn’t much better though so even without the premise, it wouldn’t have gotten much higher than a 2 or a 3.

So, let’s try to look past the torture and the fact that the main character can’t actually do anything. What is the point of the film? If Clay can’t actually alter events in any shape of form, then his plot may as well not even be present. He is simply another spectator along with us and just adds in his own words to slow the pacing down. The film likes to stack the deck against him so things continue to go from bad to worse. This review will have full spoilers so you may want to back out now while you’ve still got a chance. If not, prepare yourself! See, Sam never actually liked Clay. She simply charmed and married the guy to get his money after his death. It’s not something that is incredibly uncommon either and it’s why you should think carefully before marrying someone that you met through dicey circumstances.

How did they meet? Well, Sam was the new maid/caretaker for the house. (Clay’s rich btw so he should be extra careful right?) Clay walked in one day to find her rummaging through his stuff and she had probably already stolen a whole bunch of things. Naturally, she quickly used his shallow “love at first sight” against him and he forgot about the whole thing. She very quickly got him to marry her after that and then set him up for the surgery with the leader of this crime unit. The best (Or saddest part for Clay) part is that this was all part of the plan from the get go. All of the villains knew that Clay would fall for Sam so there was never any doubt on that end. The trap was so thorough that Harper didn’t even bother to remove the picture of him and Sam from his office. Whenever Clay would visit, they knew that the main character couldn’t piece together the obvious parts of the puzzle.

Clay’s a terrible character in case you haven’t guessed yet. He never even notices when Harper is subtly mocking him the entire time and taking a lot of shots at the fact that Clay is rich. Ah well, I suppose you can’t be smart and rich. Wait a minute…. I didn’t care for the villains either though. It may have been desperate times for Harper, but to send Sam off to woo Clay shows where his priorities lie. Considering that she didn’t mind the assignment at all, you’ll likely see the backstab towards the end coming right from the get go. Luckily, the cops nabbed them all anyway which is good. It would have been annoying to have seen Sam escape after all of that.

The only two good characters here were the Mom and the World Class Surgeon. The Surgeon talked a good game and was able to help out a lot in the end so that was good. He was pretty confident and definitely could have pulled off the procedure. As for the Mom, she was an actual intelligent character, which was rare to find around these parts. She warned Clay that Sam was just in it for the money and also warned him not to go with the operation under Harper’s supervision. He never had the greatest reputation after all. It’s a shame that it ultimately cost the Mom everything, but at least she outsmarted the villains. If only Clay had been a little smarter with his decisions, things could have been different.

At the very least, Awake had a lot of twists, but while they would only really count as mild shock value. They certainly don’t help to fix this train wreck of a film. You can’t save a bad premise no matter how hard you try. Attack on Titan taught me that the hard way as it had a top notch soundtrack and an excellent director. It ultimately still had to continue with the premise though and that was game over. Having someone go through a surgery while conscious and watching everyone else betray him as he moves through time? That’s not going to slice any life into the film. (See what I did there?)

Overall, Awake is a film that you will definitely want to keep in the shelf. I suppose it can be used as a cautionary tale for rich people, but hopefully they have enough common sense not to marry a burglar who is extremely suspect the entire time. There’s nothing really good about this film at all and not even a reboot can save this one. It’s the kind of film that was doomed right from the get go. Now, if the film had started off with Clay dying instantly as they gave him a bad dose of anesthesia and he returns from the Spirit World as a The Ring esque villain, that could have some potential. It’d probably only get a 2 or a 3, but that’s better than this right? There’s another 0 coming soon though…so prepare yourself!

Overall 0/10

Don’t Be Afraid of The Dark Review

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Disclaimer: This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be read as such. A review of the unedited version would likely be even more negative.

It’s time for another horror film. Unfortunately, it doesn’t fare any better than the average one. The film may not be afraid of the dark, but it’s also not afraid to step into every possible cliche. There is nothing original or even semi interesting to be found here. Even the villains are very weak and unimpressive. Add in the fact that all of the characters are annoying and you’ve got the makings of a very sad film on your hands. It’s not the worst horror film by any means, but even for a horror title…it’s one of the weaker ones. The film is right about one thing though…the fear is not made up. You definitely feel fear for your attention span while trying to watch this film!

Alex and Kim have finally nabbed a large house. As interior decorators, they know how to make the place look attractive and the money can start rolling in. Unfortunately, Sally is staying over for the weekend and won’t be leaving anytime soon. It seems to be related to custody issues and now Alex has his daughter back. She doesn’t like Kim at all though and decides from the get go that they won’t be friends. Tensions continue to rise when Gremlins start to frame Sally for many tricky situations like all of Kim’s clothes being torn up. Can Sally hope to stop these little monsters or will they continue to pull pranks and eat people?

The Gremlins are tiny though and they are very weak when it comes to durability. Stepping on one of them is enough to end the fight as shown a few times. A kid can beat them so that kind of destroys the scare factor. They simply aren’t interesting villains either way though. Even if they were physically tougher, the design doomed them to 2nd string status for good. I can’t say that I’m surprised though.

Don’t Be Afraid of The Dark started off on a terrible note right from the get go as we see an old man destroy a maid and then give her to the Gremlins. They decide that the sacrifice isn’t enough though and destroy the old man next. The segment is so terrible and needlessly violent that a 2 was as high as the film was going to get by that point. No need to make it so dark as to have the Gremlins eat teeth, they could have settled for soul snatching or something like that.

The action scenes are all pretty terrible in the film as well. Since the Gremlins can’t fight, they have to grab scissors and other blunt objects to attack with while Sally uses her Camera to retaliate. Watching Alex also lose to the Gremlins was pretty sad. For a horror film, there surprisingly aren’t many “scare” scenes, but I suppose they were hoping that seeing the Gremlins was enough to achieve that effect. They certainly did do a number on the local Gardner who tried to hide the secret of the Gremlins. Why was he hiding them? I dunno, seems like a terrible move on his part since he could have helped to avoid the whole situation.

The ending is also pretty terrible. Kim decides to help Sally out and fights the Gremlins while Alex gets knocked out again. They eventually overpower her and throw her to the underworld where they are. Alex watches and then decides that he won’t risk his life to save hers. I mean, they were a couple and you’d think that risking his life for her is something that he’d do without a second thought, but clearly Alex wasn’t quite that brave. He was already a very unlikable character, but that didn’t help matters. As for the film ending on that really tragic and sad note…it didn’t help the film’s case either.

We’re already discussed how Alex was unlikable. He kept putting the job ahead of his kid. Sally was also on the annoying side since she had a sour attitude from the start and it is part of the reason why Alex doesn’t believe her when she denies being responsible for the mayhem that the Gremlins start. Kim’s really the only reasonable character here as she tries to get along with Sally, but she also didn’t help the situation too much at times. Considering that the place isn’t soundproof and Sally is right next door, she should have probably held off on the “fun times” with Alex for a little while. That’s not going to win her any brownie points with Sally.

Even once Kim realized that the Gremlins were real, she sure took her time doing anything about it. At least she finally began to pack, but still left Sally by herself for a while. Not a good move since Sally was the main target the entire time. No reason why Sally can’t just follow Kim around right? They still may not have been able to defeat the Gremlins since they kept making rookie mistakes, but their odds would be better. Just don’t go to their home base where they have extra power….it wasn’t a wise move. Of course, they were dragged there, but it just goes to show that numbers are important. If only they could have convinced the guests to help out, but the Gremlins know better than to show themselves while the guests are there right?

Well…they actually didn’t care. They attacked even with the guests present, but somehow they weren’t spotted. These Gremlins certainly weren’t the smartest villains out there, but I guess they got the job done anyhow. There isn’t really a soundtrack here although the opening credits theme wasn’t bad. Having one decent tune is actually more than I would expect from this title. Nothing else stands out about the film when it comes to the technical aspects.

Overall, Don’t Be Afraid of The Dark is your average horror film. It grabs all of the cliches like evil old men, random bath scenes, fanservice, terrible jump scares, excessive violence, sad ending, and throws them all together without any real subtlety. The characters make all of the wrong decisions like you would expect and the cast is fairly unlikable. Kim was the only decent character and she’s still not great by any means. In case it wasn’t too clear from the review, I heavily recommend avoiding this film. There’s nothing to be gained from watching this title and even among horror films, it is simply terrible. If it ever gets a sequel or a remake, my advice would be to make it 20 minutes long and see if the writers can use that as an excuse to cut out all of the sad cliches. The shorter the better is always my recommendation for horror movies.

Overall 1/10

Constantine Review

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This review is of the edited TV-14 version. All thoughts below should be read as such as a review of the unedited version would be even more negative.
Constantine-2005
Well well, it’s time to look at a horror film that also happens to be a comic book film. I’m not sure about this combo and it certainly didn’t work out this time. Constantine ends up being a very weak title which contradicts its own message and spends a lot of time wondering just where the plot went. One thing’s for sure, this isn’t the sleeper hit of 2005 and it even makes the recent Ghost Rider film look good.

The film’s about a guy named Constantine who exorcises demons. He wants to be allowed into Heaven since he has done a good job of keeping the demons away, but the angel Gabriel reminds him that one cannot enter into Heaven on good works alone. Constantine shows his contempt for this by slamming a Bible on the ground, insulting and berating a lady who is trying to save her sister, and then torturing a spider that he found in his house. Yeah….I wonder why they aren’t letting this guy into Heaven….It’s impossible to root for Constantine from this point on, but one thing leads to another and he’s the only guy standing in the way of a mad quest for power with human lives in the balance. Looks like it’s time to fight again!

It’s hard to know where to start on how bad this film is. We may as well get the ball rolling with Constantine since I’ve already started taking shots at him. He’s just a horrendous main character. Constantine doesn’t seem to even pretend to follow the Bible’s teachings. He spends the entire film being mean to just about everyone and his opening scene where we’re supposed to be impressed with how he handles the exorcist just makes him look bad. He’s not even that good at his job and barely manages to scratch out wins. Constantine loves smoking as well and even after he gets lung cancer, he decides to keep on smoking anyway. Once he gets a sidekick, Constantine tries to be a little more heroic when he’s not pulling guns at demons at a bar where there’s a truce, but it’s too little too late. I’ll never forget the spider incident. Sure, he had a bad day, but taking it out on another living creature is way past crossing the line.

There’s also this subplot in the desert where a guy finds a spear which mind controls him and forces the guy to come over to the city. Not only does this plot go nowhere until the very end of the film, but it is immensely boring and just slows the film’s pacing down even more. The film never really gets good or exciting so it may not matter all that much while you’re watching, but it doesn’t help matters.

The film can also be pretty violent at times and also just grotesque with the various demons running around. Supernatural films like this one love going for those crazy visuals. There were some good ones here like when Constantine went into hell. I liked how the place looked and the film had potential with some of the fight scenes and other special effects. It was one of the few positives that this title had to offer.

Back to the negatives, the film decides to make God (Yes, the film actually decided to go with the real God in this film. Big mistake considering that they decided to make him look terrible) look incredibly unintelligent and he spends the entire film getting tricked by everyone around him. Part of the premise in this film is that God and the Devil are having a chess game with humans being the pawns in it. Neither one of them can affect the humans directly, but they can tempt them. The Devil tempts them to do wrong things with his demon hybrids while God has the half angels. Full fledged Demons and Angels are forbidden from interfering. Aside from the moral ambiguity of this game, you’d think that God would ensure that the match is fair right? Nope, he doesn’t realize it, but the Devil has rigged the match from the start.

He’s not even subtle as he just summons a bunch of Demons to Earth and directly attacks people. His allies even go to bars and start indiscriminately murdering people. They also murder one of Constantine’s allies and an angel can do nothing but watch since he’s heavily outnumbered. Of course, the fact that the angel was watching and doing nothing the entire time is another negative. It gets even worse as one of the higher ranked Angels turns out to be crazy and evil. God appointed him as one of the 4 big Angels so you’d think that the interview process would have been more rigid. The Angel believes that he’s still a good guy and that genocide will help the human race turn to God before they die. He believes that suffering always has this effect, but you can see how crazy he is.

Also, the Devil is portrayed as incredibly strong and while God won’t set foot on Earth, he has no qualms about it. He shows up and wrecks everybody. The final straw is the fact that he can mess with Heaven as well. So, remember the part where Constantine can’t earn his way into Heaven with actions? Yeah…the film forgot about that. By being heroic and helping someone out, he was able to earn his way into Heaven, but the Devil can’t have that. He literally reaches up and just pulls Constantine back to Earth. Wow…..I can’t even….

So…yeah, this movie had a very warped idea of how Heaven and Hell works. It’s always nice to see a film actually bring Christianity to the forefront and tackle these concepts, but it was done so horrendously that it backfired completely. I don’t believe we even got any lines where the characters remind Constantine that he can only get into Heaven through Jesus Christ. It seemed to completely revolve around being a nice person instead, which is 100% false. No matter how many good deeds you do or how nice you are as a person, it will never be enough to get you into Heaven without accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior. The whole point of faith in Christianity is that you know that you can’t make it to Heaven on your own. You need Jesus, but this film decides to go around that. Also, the concept of an Angel being evil is pretty terrible. Lucifer was an angel once and there are other Fallen Angels, but they are fallen. There aren’t any evil Angels still lurking or anything like that. That’s just Hollywood trying for an epic plot twist, but there isn’t any to be found in Heaven. I don’t think for one minute that any bad guy can trick God into letting him in.

As for the rest of the supporting characters, the main heroine was decent. Angela was certainly a big improvement over Constantine and she goes through a lot of trials in order to help her sister out. Her sister committed suicide, but Angela knows that she would never do such a thing and it finally helps her to believe in the supernatural. This brings another negative to light which I almost forgot about. All right, stay with me here since the film decides to use its crazy logic again.

So, a demon possessed Isabel and forced her to destroy herself. That wasn’t her own free will so she surely wouldn’t be penalized for it would she? Nope…she actually is. See, as part of the match, this falls into the whole “Satan influencing people” part so it’s actually a legitimate victory for him with Isabel now being doomed to Hell for eternity. Now you can see how this whole game is so rigged right? Luckily, Isabel ends up having a happy ending, but once again, the Devil was just portrayed as way too powerful here. Essentially, he was the one with power over Heaven and Hell in this version given how he can influence the game to such a degree.

So, Angela’s a good character. I also liked Chas, who’s the comic relief character of the film. He did a good job in the role and helped out as best he could. Things didn’t go too well for him, but he does get a big plot twist in the post credits scene…which may or may not be canon as I also read that it was an alternate ending. I’m pretty sure that it is canon though, but I don’t really care enough about the film to do any searching. If you see the film you can stick around past the credits and tell me if it’s there. None of the villains were particularly likable and the demons didn’t have great designs. The final fights were pretty decent, but Constantine was so far out of his league that it was scary. He’s a human with a gun….there’s only so much he can do against a very fast/powerful demon. Plot hax is really his only weapon at this point.

Overall, Constantine is pretty terrible to be honest. I’d stick far away from this film if I were you. The film defies its own logic and the logic is already super flawed and fake from the get go. You won’t learn anything from this film because there is nothing to learn and the actual movie isn’t well made anyway. Constantine is a very unlikable main character and even the edited version can’t save the film’s writing and the excessive violence that shows up at times. All of Constantine’s allies (One of which is a priest who likes to drink a lot. Gee….the film had to fit that in didn’t it?) are doomed to painful and unfortunate ends at the hands of the demons and since the heroes never had a shot from the beginning…what’s the point? If you want a better comic book film, I recommend Batman V Superman, the original theater version. That film has it all, hype, action, and an epic soundtrack!

Overall 2/10

Lego Scooby-Doo!: Haunted Hollywood Review

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It’s time for another Scooby Doo adventure. This one is back to the Lego style. What I like about Scooby Doo venturing into all of these different styles is it means that the films can come out more frequently. Think of the Lego films as a hold over while waiting for the traditional ones. As long as the writing is on point, it will still make for a fun story. Fred steals the show once again, but the rest of the gang do their best to keep up with his lead.

Shaggy and Scooby Doo have finally had enough of Fred and the gang. They refuse to be tricked by Scooby Snacks any longer and have decided to stop eating them for good. The gang takes them on a field trip to Hollywood to celebrate, but it turns out that the place is haunted. Shaggy and Scooby might have to go back to Scooby Snacks if they want to survive this experience. Luckily, with all of the real film producers running away from the monsters, this is Fred’s chance to take the limelight and make the best film possible!

This film plays out like your average Scooby Doo adventure. The animation isn’t my favorite as it is lego style, but it’s not all that bad either. If anything, the one thing about Lego style that irks me the most is how Legos can’t eat. As a result, there’s always an excuse for Shaggy and Scooby to not eat their food or a quick cutaway. We need to find a way to get past that limitation. As for the soundtrack, I can’t remember any of the tunes, but I’m sure that they were decent enough.

The subplot of Scooby and Shaggy deciding not to eat Scooby Snacks anymore was decent, even if you knew from the start that the franchise would never dare change the status quo quite so much. It’s still good to see the heroes have some restraint and go for actual food instead. The other subplot with Daphne wanting to be a film lead was annoying. She could have at least been halfway decent at being a supporting character instead of actively trying to wreck Fred’s film. I’d say that the plot was definitely too over dramatized. Velma didn’t really have a plot this time. As a result, she wasn’t as bad as she usually is although she’s definitely still not much of a likable character to be honest.

Luckily, Fred’s got this. Once he gets the film producer role, he does a good job of putting everyone in their place and completing the job to the best of his ability. He didn’t have much to work with, but Fred pulled through with the project anyway. He stopped most of the monsters on his own and came up with the plans needed to save the day. I can’t imagine where the gang would be without him. I don’t imagine that they would last long, that’s for sure.

Naturally, we’ve also got a few characters who were made up for the film. There weren’t a whole lot of them this time. One character was an actress who decided to help out in Fred’s film. She handled the role fairly well and definitely had an air of professionalism. The only problem is that she never felt like a suspect. I don’t suppose that she was ever supposed to be considered as one, but then you really only have 2-3 actual suspects with one of them being the culprit. The film does its best to weave around that, but it’s quite difficult.

There’s also the horror fan who doesn’t like the fact that Hollywood has decided to go with Rom Coms instead of more horror. Fred and the gang don’t sympathize all that much. This kid has to perform just about every job at the place himself since everyone else ran off. He’s brave and has a motive, that’s reason enough to add him onto the suspect box. There’s also his boss. He likely stands to gain a lot if Hollywood is shut down since he is probably insured. He half heartedly tells Fred and the others to film a movie themselves, but it could just be his way of getting them out of the picture. You’ll want to keep your eye on this guy. Finally, we’ve got the inspector who is looking to buy Hollywood. As more and more people run away from the place, the going rate will continue to drop so that’s likely a good proposition for the man. He stands to gain a lot from this monster.

As for the actual monster(s) in question, the designs aren’t bad. They’re all based off of the original monsters like Dracula and the Werewolf so they aren’t new designs, but they are tried and true. They make some effort to get to Fred and the gang, but the Mystery Inc had a larger advantage than usual this time. The monsters were actually on the defensive for most of the film. They simply lacked the ferociousness that most of the other villains had.

The film’s pretty short as you’d expect and since there were a short mission at the start of the film, the main one didn’t get too much screen time. Relatively speaking of course since it probably only took an extra 5-10 minutes. That may have been why the cast was so small this time around. The pacing is still solid though and maybe it was for the best as the original characters here are all likable. The best character was probably the investor to be honest, but the horror fan did a decent job of keeping everyone in check. The boss would probably be the blandest character, but he serves his purpose.

This review ended up being a little on the short side so let me use this paragraph to make a suggestion on where Scooby Doo can go from here. I like the current formula as much as the next guy, but there is one addition that could really help the series. The franchise needs a rival team. Granted, the team could be obnoxious if handled wrong, but stay with me here. Imagine a Mystery Inc that only cares about profits and uses any means necessary to catch the crooks. Even if they don’t become main supporting characters, one film like this could be genius. I believe that the films have dabbled around with having other sleuths once in a while, but I’m talking a full team here. Just think about it, a rival team could really be awesome. Fred’s competitive nature would ensure a fun dynamic as well.

Overall, If you’ve seen the older Scooby Doo films, then you should like this one. It stays pretty true to the overall formula and sits comfortably away from the lower tier films. Everyone is in character, which actually is not a given since in recent films some characters have been a bit dicey. Daphne didn’t bring her A game this time and was easily the weakest member, but even she could have been a little more exaggerated. Fred’s been looking really good these last few films so I’m hoping that the franchise can keep it up. Next up, the Wrestling sequel is arriving and that should definitely be a fun film. The first title was one of the better Scooby Doo films so I’m certainly hoping for more of the same from its sequel.

Overall 7/10

The Boy Review

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It’s time for another one of those dime a dozen horror films. If you thought that I would somehow enjoy The Boy more than the others, then it’s time to be enlightened. To be honest, this film actually started out all right. It was fairly reserved. No exploitation, No super violence, No dark pasts…and then…the film continued. It brought all of those problems into the mix along with language and animal violence. This film was PG-13 from the get go so it’s all not too extreme, but every negative adds up. Throw in the terrible twist at the end and you’ve got yourself a stinker!

Greta has found herself a babysitting job at a mansion in the middle of nowhere. This is the perfect way to escape her unhealthy connection to a demented villain. As long as her friends don’t tell him where she went, it should be impossible for anyone to find her. The job gets a little odd when Greta realizes that she has been tasked with looking after a doll. The doll’s parents claim that it is real though and give her a lot of rules to follow. If she does these things, then all will be well. Greta eagerly agrees and the instant they are out the door she proceeds to break as many of the rules as possible. After all, what can a doll do? Malcolm is the local errand boy who acts as a negative role model for Greta and encourages her to do all of the wrong things. Will she listen? Of course she will!

So, where to start here? Well, Greta’s a terrible main character. Seriously, let’s forget for a moment that this is a horror film so Greta’s doomed anyway. Is it really so hard to follow the rules that she was given? Talk to the doll a little, play it some music, feed it, etc. It’s not exactly rocket science and she is getting paid for this so she may as well do the job right. Since the doll doesn’t have any other needs, she still has a very large amount of free time. It’s not enough for Greta though and she has her “Miller Time” (Using Wine though) as quickly as possible. Greta also insists on insulting the doll and pushing it around since its face offends her. After she realizes that the doll is real, she quickly tries to warm up to it, but it’s a little too late for that. It’s good that she’s making amends, but she was well past the point of being even slightly likable.

At this point, I was expecting the doll to help her out against the insane Cole. (Yes, the friends decided to tell him where Greta was hiding in order to save their own skins. Great friends right?) Greta asks the doll for help, but then it’s destroyed in a single hit and the plot twist occurs. Are you ready for this? Are you? If you don’t want spoilers, leave now. This twist is far too terrible not to mention here! Well, the doll really was fake. There are no supernatural elements in this film whatsoever. Instead, there’s a guy living in the house all along. He quickly shows up and destroys Cole, but decides that Greta and Malcolm have to die as well.

The direction of the film certainly changed rather drastically here. It was good to see Cole gone, but this twist was terrible. For starters, it makes no sense. He moves around very quickly and silently as Greta somehow doesn’t notice when he’s around, even when he goes to the bathroom where she’s taking a shower and snatches her clothes. He gets to her boots immediately after she enters the house in the first scene as well. His secret passages go everywhere apparently and he’s a bodybuilder who has a good amount of super strength. He’s able to survive being directly stabbed and gets multiple injuries that do nothing but slow him down. Why couldn’t we have just had a supernatural doll who could destroy people and warp reality? That would have been more entertaining at the very least. This guy was about as interesting as your average psychotic villain, which means he wasn’t interesting in the slightest.

Malcolm is a terrible character as you’d expect so there’s no reason to talk about him much. The instant that he appears, he decides to flirt with Greta and since this is a film, he succeeds and they instantly have a one night stand. From there, he just gets knocked out a lot and eventually escapes thanks to Greta. As for the parents who ran off, they decided to destroy themselves since The Boy was too strong. They left Greta as a human sacrifice since they’re also pretty corrupt. You’d think that they would just run off and call the cops, bringing them back to the house to save everyone right? Not in the cards for them.

As for the rest of the negatives, this film falls into every trap in the book. As mentioned earlier, we have the obligatory shower scene which serves no purpose in the film other than to remind us that the villain is terrible and has nothing better to do than watch. We have the terribly written romance that undermines both of the main characters. The friends are hilariously bad as they basically don’t mind sacrificing Greta’s life. Her subplot with Cole involving the past is naturally super dark because every horror film likes a dark backstory. It’s not the only one though as we find out that the original Boy already had destroyed other kids back in the day and nobody ever stopped him. He literally got away with murder thanks to everyone being so weak willed. Apparently people at the bar knew about this, but decided not to tell anyone.

There is animal violence as well as Greta is in charge of looking after the traps and taking the rats down once and for all. The final part of the film is also pretty violent as the Boy starts to destroy everyone as cruelly as possible. You’d think that Cole would be pretty tough, but he goes down like a sack of rocks immediately. Even when he was fighting The Boy, it was impossible to root for him though. I’m sorry moviegoers, but this guy’s even worse than the main villain although they’re both completely terrible. It’s a short film, but the Boy quickly became your average horror slasher with every possible trope that it could squeeze in.

The design for The Boy also isn’t very good at all. I’ll take the classics like the Xenomorph over him. To be honest, Freddy and Jason aren’t much better either, but at least their designs are classic. Jason’s mask is also more impressive. I suppose that The Boy could beat the original Jason, but both Freddy and Jason have long since surpassed this guy thanks to their never ending sequels. They keep getting stronger while The Boy will likely never appear again.

Overall, The Boy is rather terrible with the final twist solidifying this as a sad experience. Without the twist, maybe the film could have clawed its way up to a 2 or a 3, but it depends on where the film would have gone with the ending anyway. Adding in Cole was a big mistake if you ask me. None of the characters are likable and the film is filled with a ton of generic jump scenes and toons that you won’t remember in the end. There is a final scene as all horror films have a twist. As it stands, it’s a pretty subdued one and a generic ending that any horror film could pull off. I guess this film just didn’t have much originality. There’s no reason to watch this film and you’re better off just checking out Bleach: Hell Verse if you want a spooky title that’s also hype at the same time.

Overall 1/10

Sssssss Review

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Uh oh, looks like it is time to review another film that puts the word rotten in rotten tomatoes. It’s no exaggeration to say that this is one of the worst films I have ever seen as it joins the exclusive 0 star club. There really isn’t anything redeemable about this film and every minute will have you cringing and wincing while looking at your watch and wondering why you aren’t ordering a nice pepperoni pie at Pizza Hut instead of watching this. Sometimes things get worse before they get better, other times they just stay bad. This is one of those times.

A college student named David is a pretty smart guy. He gets bullied a lot though and is happy to go along with Professor Carl when he is recruited to help with some Snake experiments. David doesn’t realize that this ordeal is actually quite sinister despite the Professor constantly injecting him with many needles along with the fact that the previous assistant mysteriously vanished. Can David save himself or have the dice already been cast? I’m afraid that it is the latter and the Snakes begin to wreck everyone!

Well, where to start with this mess? I suppose the first thing to remember is that this film is centered around Snakes. The problem with this is that the film uses it as an opportunity to include as much animal violence as possible. Snakes are choked, killed, and roughly handled by the characters involved. Carl decided to use Snakes as sport by taking one outside only to humiliate it and poke a stick in its face all day. Apparently he does this just about every day simply to show off his power. None of the snakes are handled well as all of the humans try to show their “dominance” by grabbing their necks and messing with them the whole time. I was rooting for the Snakes to take them all down and you’ll be happy to know that most of the characters don’t make it through this. When you mess with the Snakes be prepared for them to mess you up!

This is also the kind of film where one night stands happen quite regularly. The class bully gets one of those moments for no real reason only to be murdered by a snake in the next scene. David and the main heroine also have one of these moments even though they only just met each other a few hours ago. He also gets it afterwards since he has to fight a Snake Eater and those don’t play games. The main heroine manages to make it out of the film alive, but just barely and mainly because Carl didn’t want her to get hurt. Everyone else was fair game.

There was also a fairly mean professor who likes to mess with Carl. He was actually right on the money that Carl was insane, but his reaction times weren’t enough to save him. Even after he solves Carl’s riddle, snakes murder him anyway. Let’s face it, none of these characters were safe from the snakes. They wanted their vengeance and made sure to grab it as quickly as possible. The Cops come to check out matters since they know that someone never made it back out after working for Carl. Surely they’ll do something right? Unfortunately not as the film portrays the cops are terribly unintelligent characters. For starters, they’re scared of the snakes. Even after that it is lightly implied that they suspect something, but they decide not to actually make any moves based on their info. Instead they decide to wait and see even though more people have been murdered and another teenager has vanished. By the time they make a move, it is far too late for them to really be of help to anyone.

This film plays out like a classic horror film as every character is bumped off one at a time. There is no twist ending here though as it just abruptly ends with another death. The film never stays classy though and there were no good parts in the entire film. After all, all of the characters either suffered for a long time before dying or just died. There is no happy ending here in the slightest and the villain literally got away with murder and crazy experiments for years. You’d think that the film would have tried to save someone, but no…it opted for the dark ending. The first teenager who vanished had the sad fate of being forced to lie down in a corner while people laugh at him for ages and ages. Definitely way too dark a plot if you ask me.

Now, could this film have had potential if there was no animal violence, no one night stands, and if Carl had been stopped before he had mutated David? I’d say not really since the previous assistant’s fate was still rather terrible, but maybe the film could have gotten a 3 instead of a 0. It would still be an improvement I suppose. The plot in and of itself is what really doomed the film and it couldn’t recover from that. This is one film that I hope never gets a reboot or a remake.

Overall, Sssssss uses all of the classic horror tropes and cliches that it can find, but that only succeeds in making the film worse and worse. None of the characters are even remotely likable as even the mean teacher is technically a bad character and only serves to be the lesser evil. We even find out that a gas attendant is a mean, unlikable character just for the lolz since the writer wanted to ensure that you couldn’t like anyone. Did I mention that Carl also gives his snakes a lot of beer to drink so that they’ll be drunk? It certainly shows that he is always doing something morally wrong even when he is not murdering and experimenting on people. You also have to question the point of his research since turning people into snakes doesn’t really help with anything. They may outlive humans in his fantasy, but transforming people one at a time in such a slow fashion will ultimately not make even the slightest bit of difference. His research died along with him and the film.

Overall 0/10

The Wolf Man Review

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It’s time for another super old horror film. Compared to the last films that I’ve reviewed, this one looks great, but as a film overall it is not that good. It’s a lot more fun and charismatic, but if you’re looking at this like a horror film, then it’s going to disappoint you quite a lot. There is nothing scary about this film at all and for the most part it plays out like a comedy. The main character really reminds me of Bill Murray though, to the point where the main character here looks almost identical to him. Hmmm…maybe I just haven’t seen enough Murray movies though.

Larry moves to a little village to meet up with his father after a relative’s untimely demise. They haven’t talked much before this so the situation is rather tricky for a little while, but they soon get along quite well. The main problem now is getting the other villagers to like him. Larry doesn’t worry about that for very long though as he looks through his window and happens to see a lady. He quickly believes this to be love at first sight and hounds her until she agrees to a meet up along with one of her friends to get their fortune told. One thing leads to another and Larry/Gwen decide to ditch the friend for a few minutes. Larry sees her get murdered by a Werewolf and destroys it, but now he is being framed for murder and turning into one himself. Will his will power hold out?

The whole romance plot here is quite bad though. First off, Larry is persistent to the point of being a nuisance the whole time and then we find out that Gwen already has a fiancee. (I think it was a fiancee, could have just been a normal boyfriend) Yet, she continues to hang out with him which is basically giving him hope even if he’s the one who is constantly following her. She’s sort of playing the field which is always sad to see. Larry’s a pretty bad character though so it’s hard to feel all that bad for him.

At least Larry can be amusing though. He gets a few good one liners in and his voice was made for comedy. That being said, his will power is incredibly weak and if he was going to run, he should have done it right away. He waited way too long for his plans and that’s why they didn’t end up working out very well. As a Werewolf, he wasn’t all that impressive either. He has slight super strength and a little extra speed, but apparently it is not enough to deal with a human who is holding a blunt object. Both Werewolves don’t look so good once the fight is on.

Larry’s Dad was probably the best character in the film. He kept on reminding everyone that there were no such things as Werewolves and even decided to tie up Larry so that he could watch this and be freed from his paranoia. His main mistake was deciding to leave Larry alone after that. The ending would typically be super tragic, but it’s not handled too heavily. It’s given appropriate emotional value, but it isn’t beaten to death like a modern film would probably do. Extended crying scenes and all of that, the Wolf Man skips all of that.

For once, there actually was a bit of a soundtrack here. Mainly because this film has a big contrast between happy and evil scenes. It’s something that newer films don’t really do, but the older ones were well known for this. For example, whenever the main heroine would appear, the music would quickly go up and the tone would be lighter. When the Werewolf appeared, the music would suddenly slow and get very tense. It’s a nice contrast and I’m also just happy to finally have a soundtrack to talk about as well. It feels like it has been quite a while.

While I am still an advocate for all movies being as long as possible, the short length works pretty well. After all, if a film’s writers don’t know how they could stretch a film out without watering it down, then it’s not worth it. For a film like Batman V Superman or Avengers, I could easily see it being 4 hours and not really being any worse. Those scenes would be useful character development, but what would the Wolf Man do with an extra hour? No, the short length is for the best and as it is, we get a nice array of different scenes. Seeing the doctors and cops subtly question Larry while also insinuating that he is the culprit was a well done scene. Again, I’ve got to give Larry’s Dad some props here for also talking a good game. He reminds Larry that nobody can remove him from the premises, not even the cops. Apparently the rich family name has even more clout than I could have dared imagine.

The weak romance is really what hurts this film. It makes Larry look unreasonable and turns him into an unlikable character while it also makes Gwen look bad for even going around with him in the first place. It didn’t really need to be in this film and if that time was used for more dialogue with Larry’s Dad or something like that instead, the film could have definitely sneaked in a 7. As it is, I think that aspect weakens the film enough to justify taking the star away. If the Werewolves didn’t have such weak will power, it could actually be useful to have the ability of transformation.

Overall, The Wolf Man is certainly one of the better classic movie monster films from Universal. It’s definitely aged a lot better than Dracula, Frankenstein, and the Mummy. This film has quite a few sequels and crossovers so who knows, I may end up being on the Wolf Man’s side for just about all of them. That being said, he is easily one of the weakest so I’m not sure if he’ll really have much of a future in those fights. He’ll definitely have to use a lot of tactical strategies. By the end of the film, you should hopefully know the Werewolf legend word for word since it is repeated over and over again by many different characters. If you want to get the most enjoyment from this film, go in expecting a comedy. Trust me, it’ll feel like one as you watch it.

Overall 6/10