Halloween 2 Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version of the film would be more negative.

Well, it looks like the sequel to Halloween has finally arrived. There’s only so much that this film can try to do to be good. From the start you know that it’s not going to be good, but can it at least be entertaining? Well, I’ve seen worse horror films so I’ll give it that, but this is still one of those sequels where you just shake your head. Myers has also grown a lot more powerful over the course of a few minutes as he suddenly becomes just about invincible here. Why is he bullet proof!?

The film takes place seconds after the first which is impressive. It’s an underrated approach and a super cool one if you ask me. I always like when the story picks up immediately like this. Basically, Michael Myers escaped capture last time and he decides to go right back to his goal of murdering everyone in the neighborhood. The cops have to try and stop him, but they can’t seem to save everybody. It looks like Laurie is going to have to save herself as expected. After all, when everyone else fails then it’s time to just do it yourself right?

Most of what I’m going to say here could be applied to the first film or any film in the series. That’s because Halloween follows what I’d consider to be the typical horror film outline. The only trope it seems to avoid is the animal violence one which I will give it some props there. I’m glad it was able to do that at least. The first thing dragging the film down is naturally the over the top violence. Naturally everyone meets pretty grim ends at the hand of Michael Myers. Most of the characters don’t even put up a fight or they go down without making a sound. (Rhyme intentional) Given that he has super strength and such at least it’s a little more believable than in some of the other films. Still, the body count in this film is incredibly high as nobody seems to have a way to communicate and he just takes down the whole town one at a time. It’s scary just how many people he gets and the cops never even find out about it.

Then you’ve also got horror trope #2, the terrible characters. All the characters seem to care about is getting past the friend zone. Two characters decide to hang out at a hot springs when they’re supposed to be on duty and looking after the patients. Then they can’t even tell when the other character has been bumped off. It’s also just an excuse to get a fanservice scene in since horror films seem to need that. There’s also the pointless emergency staff guy who keeps on flirting with Laurie throughout. The plot doesn’t go anywhere and I don’t even really get how the guy died. Sure, he tripped, but why would he die from that? Perhaps part of the scene was cut for the TV version or something but if there is no more context to that scene then this guy’s just a joke. He should have been written out of the film.

Laurie’s a reasonable character here. In fact, she’s the only reasonable character. She realizes very quickly that nobody else here is even remotely competent so she escapes from the hospital to try and save herself. Of course the other characters give away her hiding spot and drop the gun. If I was Laurie I’d definitely leave this town and never come back. Sam talks tough and he has a gun so he’s better than most of the characters, but he still isn’t the smartest of the characters. He plugs Myers 6 times and the guy doesn’t go down. What does he do in round 2? He shoots him 4 times. Look, if you think that this guy is basically unstoppable then you have to do all that you can to stop him. Trying to walk over and take his knife away isn’t smart so Sam is smarter than the policeman, but then go for a head shot or something. Do whatever it takes to make sure Myers stays down. Then Sam just goes back into running mode and his gun jams. Well gee…that’s just bad luck now.

Finally we’ve got Myers, but he isn’t even a character in this film. He’s basically just a zombie that is going around murdering people. I don’t think he got a single line here so maybe the film is trying to hint that he is basically dead by this point. Maybe the 6 bullets did finish him off and he is a zombie. Then again, I forget if he talked in the first film. Maybe he just can’t talk. Either way there’s not much to his character. The rest of the characters in the film just exist to die so you feel bad for them. In slasher films like this one only the main character tends to live while everyone else dies. It’s a rather tragic existence for the whole town, they were just outgunned.

There’s just nothing positive to say about the film. It’s not fun to watch and I dare say that it might be more over the top than the first film. Although I think the first film had animal violence so it was probably still worse than this film. The only positive I can say for this film is that it avoided the big 0 by avoiding the animal violence. Even then it was fairly close, but I think a 1 is reasonable. The film also isn’t particularly long so at least it doesn’t overstay its welcome quite as drastically as you might fear. Imagine this going for 2 hours? Now that would be really brutal!

Overall, Halloween 2 doesn’t try to do anything particularly clever or unique. It’s basically just a rehash of the last film. If the last film was a good movie then that wouldn’t be a bad thing, but there’s just nothing particularly good here. It’s a pretty mean spirited film where the villain has the edge throughout. Surprisingly there isn’t even a stinger here so I suppose the heroes can finally get a little peace at least. It’s a silver lining, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’d highly recommend avoiding this film as much as possible. Just stick away from it and you’ll be the better off for it.

Overall 1/10

Leprechaun Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve seen a horror slasher film with the antagonist bumping off everyone he runs into. It’s definitely a tried and true formula for failure that many franchises have gone for. I can’t say that Leprechaun did anything to try and save the genre, but I suppose I will give it some props for at least embracing the fact that the film was never going to be good and making everyone over the top. If a film is going to be bad it may as well have some fun moments right?

The film starts off with a drunk guy beating up a Leprechaun and stealing his gold. Unfortunately it seems like the guy may have cheated so the little villain wants his gold back. The drunk guy doesn’t care about this though and locks the guy up. A year passes and some new people are moving into the house. The heroine doesn’t like the place right off the bat, but the neighbors convince her to stay. Then the Leprechaun is let out of his box and the heroes start to get murdered left and right. Can they learn how to fight in time to stop this guy or will it be curtains for them? Either way their days may be numbered.

As I said, the film is very by the books. If anyone who isn’t one of the main characters shows up, he/she is doomed. We have the greedy store owner who tries to talk tough to the Leprechaun and he is quickly destroyed by his own toys. We have the overconfident police officer who immediately starts to make fun of the Leprechaun’s size and he is done away with. The villain really didn’t like him though and makes his death the longest by far. Then we’ve got other guys running around, but you get the basic idea. Even those who survive don’t get away without a few bites and scratches.

Of course the film is super violent as you would expect. They make sure to throw a bunch of blood in every possible scene to the point where you may wonder how much of the budget was spent on the paint. That’s already going to limit the film’s possible score, but that’s not its only weakness. There is also the fact that the writing is very lackluster. Good luck finding any remotely good lines in this movie. The characters panic a lot and none of them are very smart. They don’t really know how to fight and even figure that splitting up is in their best interest. Hint…it’s not.

As far as the Leprechaun goes, he isn’t a very intimidating villain. Of course that is likely intentional, but you almost want to snicker whenever he is on screen. The characters seem to get this inclination as well, but it never goes well for them. The villain has some basic magical abilities like teleportation and telekinesis, but his abilities are very weak unless he is with the gold. Even once he is back to full power the guy never seems very impressive. Shotgun bullets will put him down for minutes at a time. Judging by how effective they are, I wouldn’t be surprised if a few shots at once would put him down for good. Either way, his regeneration isn’t amazing. The guy has some basic super strength as well, but it is rather inconsistent throughout the movie. He’s a step below some of the cooler designed monsters like from the Grudge, but higher than the normal humans like good ole Jason.

Tory, Nathan, and Ozzie are the 3 main characters. Tory likes to be in high class places where the area is already clean and she doesn’t have to fix it up. Naturally this place in the middle of nowhere wasn’t exactly her style, but she tries to work with it after a while. She isn’t a terrible character and the film actually avoids going into the romance trap for the most part. She is rather easy to manipulate though as when Nathan tricks her into staying at the house. Tory could have been a lot worse which is probably the nicest thing to say about her. Nathan is your typical male lead. He’s fairly well built so naturally it’s more of a shock when the Leprechaun is able to overpower him. Nathan actually does try to fight back though which is a welcome change of pace from everyone else here. He was actually winning his initial confrontation with the Leprechaun even without a gun and once he had it then the match was over. To write him out the film had him get caught on a bear trap to limit how well he could fight. Ah well, he was still doing good for the most part beyond that.

Then we have Ozzie who isn’t very smart at all. He convinces the cops not to come to the house by calling since he always calls for fake incidents. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway though since the Leprechaun would have just switched his voice like he did later on. Ozzie also managed to swallow the coin somehow which is still rather hard to believe which causes the Leprechaun to not be very happy. The kid who hangs out with Ozzie is a little more reasonable. He points out that nothing can stand up to a 57 Magnum. Still, he is annoying beyond that and seems to think that even in the midst of a monster destroying everyone he should keep a few secrets. This kid needs to get his priorities straight.

Overall, Leprechaun is not a good film. There are some films that are terrible but enjoyable and this is not one of them. It’s not as bad as some films where the whole duration is unbearable as this film isn’t terrible 100% of the time. Still, it’s brutal and graphic enough to wreck any of the decent scenes in the film and the lack of quality writing hurts it as well. It’s safe to say that I don’t recommend this film and I’d sooner recommend watching Inspector Gadget if you want to see toys used as weapons. This film just has to get the hard thumbs down. Maybe the sequels will manage to beat it, but I can’t say that I have high hopes for the films in general.

Overall 1/10

Halloween Review

This review is of the edited TV 14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative.

Uh oh, it’s time for Halloween. It’s one of those iconic films that always makes you feel bad. After all if it did not exist, there’s a chance that we wouldn’t have nearly as many slashers as we have today. I’m sure they would have found a way eventually but it would have bought humanity more time. As it stands, this film did happen and it’s about as terrible as you can imagine. It’s hard to see how the sequels get worse than this one, but where there is a will there’s a way.

The film starts off with two weak willed individuals driving a van into the asylum. The brave guy keeps cutting off his partner and dashes out of the van to use the phone to call the warden. He doesn’t want to park too close so they can drive off faster so it’s a bit of a journey. In the meantime, the other driver notices someone jump on the car. She panics and decides to open the window to let this possible psycho in the car. He obliges her and throws her out so he can have fun making a get away. He proceeds to drive it back home and that’s the opening to our film. The mass murderer who was put away for life got back…because the trained professionals didn’t realize that opening a car door when someone is on the car is not a good move. The asylum is also interesting since the patients have complete free reign to do whatever they want. I suppose the justification is that this place is far removed from humanity so if they try running away they’ll never make it to the next town, but I don’t buy that. It seems like a pretty dangerous idea either way. Try not to think about the opening too much as it’s just foreshadowing for how bad the writing is.

We cut away to the main character, Laurie. She has a few more morals than the rest of the kids in school which makes her an outcast. She has to decide if she wants to stay with the cool crowd or be on her own. Her friend helpfully asks someone to take her to a party at some point and puts Laurie on the spot. That’s when she notices that she’s being followed by someone. Nobody else seems to notice though so Laurie puts it in the back of her mind. Even when a kid tells her he saw someone she laughs it off and drops a few more IQ points. I blame the drugs. It’s a shame that Laurie got into drugs, but it just reminds you that there are no good characters in the film. Will Michael Myers destroy the whole town or just part of it before they catch him?

Where to start right? Well, how about Laurie taking drugs? That was just so random and sad that it made you wonder why the film would do this. Building off of this, the characters are just really bad. Basically they’re portrayed as “mainstream” teenagers who only care about scoring and being the bad kids the adults think they are. Pretty much all of their lines are bad and none of them put up a fight against Myers. They just go down without a fight and their deaths usually last quite a while for extra grit.

The film is definitely pretty violent. Almost every character is choked and stabbed and the deaths just go on and on and on. There is also animal violence here as a dog dies so that definitely didn’t help the film’s situation at all. Honestly it was just another nail in the coffin. The film would have gotten a 0 either way, but it helps it sink down amidst the other 0 titles. It would be interesting to add negative scores, but there wouldn’t be much point and I just do that as a meme once in a while. Why did the film have to pick on the dog? He didn’t ask for this!

It’s also hard to believe that Myers has a lot of super strength and stuff just because he’s a mean guy. The film plays it off as if he is possessed by a demon of sorts which is at least a better explanation than none. Still, the heroes should be able to take him and the guy constantly escaping gets old fast. The “professionals” do a bad job of finding him since he goes just about everywhere in the city and yet they don’t see him. The doctor’s reason for not allowing the main cop to call in backup was terrible as well. Quite a few characters died so would they still be alive if the whole police force had shown up? Given the film we’re talking about I’m sure they would have all been defeated but at least they would have been around. It would at least make sense unlike this scenario where the doctor is basically an accomplice for Myers.

Ugh, you’ll be shaking your head as you watch this film the whole time. There’s nothing fun about it since it’s dark and gritty the whole time. There are no characters to root for and the only good theme in the movie gets played out. It’s catchy and iconic the first time around. It’s passable the next two times it shows up. By the rest of the dozens of times the film uses the theme, you are definitely over it. You can tell that there was a very limited budget since it seems like the film’s whole soundtrack was just made up of that one single song. Pretty underwhelming if you ask me. Unless a theme is completely amazing and one of the best ever, you can’t spam it for every other scene.

Overall, skip this film as fast as possible. The plot is paper thin and you can tell that the writers just wanted to make a slasher film and built the plot around that. Every character is annoying the film takes itself so seriously with the constant dark tone that you just want it to take a break already. The film is quite long so you’ll be here for a while and that’s why it’s impressive that there are basically no good scenes. It’s just edge after edge after edge. Think of any kind of bad scene and this film has probably got it.

Overall 0/10

Fright Night Review

This review is of the edited TV-14 version of the film. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would likely be more negative.
Oh no, it’s my worst fears realized. Lets look at the checklist. Gratuitous violence? ✔ Horrendous writing ✔ Lots of fanservice? ✔ Animal Violence X Vampires ✔ Terrible characters ✔ Well, it may not have been a perfect score on how bad a film could be, but it’s quite bad. It’s been a while since I saw a film quite like this one, but I can assure you that this holds its own against most of the other big horror films. I still think it’s really difficult to make a vampire film good and this helps my argument. There’s just not much in the way of positives here at all.

The film starts off with good ole Charley being one of the “cool” kids. He used to be a guy who was really into fantasy, play fighting, and other things that were deemed “uncool.” As a result, Charley dumped his best friend and started hanging out with the bullies so he could look cool for a girl. It worked quite easily and now they’re together. Charley is so cool that he doesn’t care about anyone else anymore. The bullies pick on his ex-friend, but that’s not Charley’s concern. Students start going missing and it seems as if a mass murderer is on the loose, but again…that’s not Charley’s problem. It gets to be an issue for him though once his ex friend is murdered and he finds out that the perpetrator lives next door. Okay…now it’s time to care. Can Charley take this guy down to save himself and his family or is it already too late?

It’s like the old saying, “First they came for the Johns, but I stayed quiet. Then they came for the Smiths, but I stayed quiet. Finally, they came for me and there was nobody left to help” It’s like that as Charley really couldn’t care less about the rest of the neighborhood until it was just him. He’s the main character and it’s a mainstream film so it’s not as if he has much to worry about, but it didn’t make him a likable character in the slightest. The film actually goes out of its way to make him a terrible character as he refuses to explain anything. Even once he learns that the guy next door is a vampire, he refuses to tell his Mom or Amy about it because he doesn’t want to look bad. This doesn’t work so well as it comes close to wrecking all of his relationships. Luckily, they’re better characters who don’t panic at everything and actually try to talk things out. Charley just gives them a hard time about absolutely everything. He never develops into a good character as you can’t forget that he is essentially a poser who betrays his ideals just to look cool.

Jerry makes for an imposing villain I suppose, but certainly not a good one. He spends a lot of time trying to make conversation with Charley. I guess he wants to get in the main character’s head to psych him out, but he drags on and on. He was so obvious as the villain that I was expecting a misdirect from the film, but it never happened. He certainly didn’t improve my view on vampires. Edward is supposed to be the sympathetic friend that you can root for. He was ditched by Charley and as a result his social life has completely fallen to pieces. Now there is no one to help him when he gets bullied and he also has to pass by the bully’s home every single night. It’s not very fun for him and then Charley refuses to acknowledge him and this finally leads to Edward being taken out by Jerry. So, he should have been sympathetic, but what doesn’t help his case is that he resorts to blackmail. Yes, he decides to blackmail Charley with old videos of them fighting together and the old hobbies that Charley had. It may have worked, but it’s certainly not a nice move. He also started unloading some pretty personal insults at Amy which just made him even more unlikable. I forgot another part of Edward that doesn’t help his case…he’s on drugs. He casually admits this to Charley during another one of those really terrible written conversations. Even the way he lets Charley know about the vampire next door is handled pretty unrealistically.

Amy was all right as I mentioned earlier. She helped out a little during the skirmish with the vampires and at least she didn’t get paralyzed with fear the way that many characters do. Amy played her part well. Peter is the professional vampire slayer who turns out to be a fraud at first, but then we learn that he has actually encountered Jerry in the past. He’s pretty unlikable and is supposed to be that way. He helps out quite a bit in the end, but mostly he is reluctant. By the time he jumps into action, it’s a little too late to care.

So, there are a lot of negatives here as mentioned in the intro. The writing is horrendous. Luckily, the edited version cut out all of the language with the nice air filters, but with how often they occurred you can see how bad the script was. Every character was constantly yelling strings of words that make you shake your head. Even when we get past the language, the rest of the writing isn’t much better. The boring conversations with Jerry come to mind and the forced tension between Charley and all of the other characters. His excuse in the computer room for why he ditched class is another awful moment as it shows he will go to great lengths to avoid telling people about vampires even if it hurts his reputation even more.

Next, there’s the gratuitous violence. This one’s pretty obvious. The vampires bite people just about all the way through the neck and it’s pretty violent. Every character has a habit of blowing up some blood even after they’re already dead or in vampire form. The blood sucking is as irritating as usual and I don’t think I’ll ever care for that aspect. I’m still pretty surprised that there was no animal violence so that’s a good thing. The “romance” here is of the usual Hollywood variety. It’s basically just the characters deciding to skip the formalities and just jump into the making love part. It’s mostly all they talk about at the beginning and the end of the film. At least they got over all of the gruesome murders really quickly eh? The film goes for a lot of excuses to have characters in pretty risque outfits as the heroes head to a night club (Where naturally nobody notices someone getting murdered right in front of them) and Peter has a secretary with benefits rooming with him. It’s definitely not a film that tries to take the high road.

I can’t really think of any plot holes surprisingly, but if there is any then it may be with Jerry being weak against sunlight. I could have sworn that when he was planting the garden the first time he showed up that it was still daylight out. Maybe it was dark enough where the sun wasn’t potent or something. Just something that I noticed, but at least it can be explained away so that helps it a lot.

If there is one good thing about the film, it’s that the soundtrack is actually pretty decent at times. The rock music that played when Charley went to get his gear was pretty good. His montage may not have been as epic as the music would have you believe, but it was a slight silver lining at the very least. The special effects weren’t half bad either. The classic Vampire blowing up to sunlight and weapons was handled decently well. The super agility was handled pretty badly though as the Vampires moved in impossible angles with very obvious Photoshop kind of effects. It definitely didn’t seem like something you’d expect from 2011, but maybe I was holding it to too high of a standard.

Overall, Fright Night is your average horror film. It’s not very fun to watch and the characters are all poorly written. Everyone is so bad that you have to wonder at some points whether horror writers can read their scripts with a straight face. Lets put this into perspective. The kid who got bullied and ostracized by the school along with being betrayed by his friend was murdered by the main character. The bully who went around objectifying people and making the friend miserable got to live in the end. That’s just the kind of film that this is and I’d recommend sticking away from it. It’s a pretty mean spirited film and Jerry ends up being a pretty bad villain by the end. He’s even willing to use fake romance to get a reaction out of Charley, but that’s not very effective since Charley was more interested in finally getting to use his hastily prepared plan at that point. I should mention that the plan should never have worked and involved quite a lot of plot hax. Lets just say that Jerry conveniently decided to stand still and have absolutely no reaction times in order for it to work. The film stacked the deck against itself too well (As expected) by giving Jerry a great amount of regenerative abilities and speed. The writers couldn’t think their way out of that one. If you want a good horror film, check out Poltergeist 3. It’s actually a lot better than you would expect.

Overall 1/10

Disturbia Review

Well, it’s time for a horror/slasher/thriller film where the main plot tries to live up to the title. The romance is definitely a contender for one of the worst in cinema and the rest of the film isn’t much better. Without any characters to actually root for and cringe worthy dialogue throughout…where can the film even go? Needless to say, it can only go down from there. On the bright side, the film was up front about itself from the get go, hence the title.

The film starts off with a guy named Kale. His father passed away due to a car accident a while back and he never recovered from it. After slacking through another class and having the professor call him out on it, Kale quickly went for a punch. It landed him in house arrest and he will really be arrested if he leaves the house for longer than a few seconds. He can technically make it to the front and back yard, but that’s it. Kale decides that if he can’t go around beating people up anymore, he can at least be a stalker. He spends his time spying on the main heroine and even invites his friend as well. Unfortunately, it turns out that one of his other neighbors is a murderer and since Kale made it obvious that he knows about this…the group is in danger now. Can Kale stop this guy or will he destroy them all?

Well, the basic premise already starts this film off at a disadvantage. Naturally, the main heroine decides that she doesn’t care about Kale’s antics, or the fact that he crashed or party in a fit of rage because it’s a bad movie it shows that he cares. It’s just hard to watch because you already know that Kale is not a good guy at all. Lets face the facts, he punched out a Professor who wasn’t even being super antagonistic. Sure, he played the Dad card, but the main character had been sleeping through classes and hadn’t even seemed apologetic. After that, Kale did his best to do all the wrong things. He didn’t help out around the house, he would play games all day, then he would watch sketchy TV all day, etc, etc. Kale would always try to make the situation worse.

You can’t feel sympathetic with him at all. Honestly, his situation was pretty lucky all things considered. This is why you should have hobbies. If I had to stay at home for a full month for some reason, it’d be easy. I’d be blogging, gaming, TV watching, and doing all kinds of things. Even card/board games would get a shot. There’d also be a lot of time to do some cleaning as well or at least not adding to the mess. Heading back to the main heroine, it’s also quite telling that Kale would invite his friend over to watch as if she was the afternoon entertainment. There’s no way a healthy relationship can be formed from such a twisted start and it just never gets better.

As I already mentioned, none of the characters are good. It’s obvious why Kale isn’t good and the heroine is simply too easy. Even if it was to get Kale jealous, (Or should I say Especially?) she was getting awful close with the random strangers at the party and things were quickly getting dicey. If she is that free, then the pairing makes a lot of sense, but is still pretty terrible to see on screen. We can’t forget Kale’s friend either. The guy spends his first 5-10 minutes making one looooooooong repetitive dirty joke about how a Spanish word sounds like a sad English phrase. The professor lets him go on and on for reasons unknown. The friend also proves that he only cares about himself several times as he is ready to let Kale take the fall for the false murder accusation. Recording the heroes at the end is just adding insult to injury.

The film doesn’t even do well as a slasher. Now, this part is a little contradictory since the “better” you do as a slasher, the lower your score might be. After all, increasing the body count solidifies the villain as a threat, but will also likely make the film more violent. Well, the villain here can’t be taken too seriously since he keeps letting people go. He didn’t destroy the friend, he spared the heroine, he spared the Mom, etc. I get that it was all part of the plan, but he reeeeally took his sweet time. I’d also argue that the way in which he invites people over to his house and then murders them sounds like a fool proof plan to fail. Nobody noticed any of this? None of the families were able to track the cell phone to that location before the person died? Even if the villain got rid of the phone, they could see it on the trail right? His wig disguise shouldn’t be as convincing as it was. I guess Kale’s eyes are as bad as his personality, but it’s still pretty sad.

The film also throws in some animal violence for good measure as the main villain destroys a deer and also takes down a rabbit. Why? It was part of his master plan to trick the cops and it works super well, but it doesn’t help the film. Back to the cops, they look terrible as per usual. One of them has a personal vendetta against Kale which he lets get in the way of his objectivity. When the main character leaves the house and the Police are sent to take him in, the cop decides to stop by a McDonalds esque place first to finish his Cheeseburger combo. By the time he gets to the house, his reflexes and reaction times are shot. He walks into the house and is quickly murdered by the main villain. It happens so quickly that he doesn’t even get to use his gun. Police are trained for this kind of thing, I’d like to think that they wouldn’t walk through a sharp turn in pitch black conditions without some kind of plan.

Kale only lives through the climax due to plot hax. After all, he makes all the wrong calls. He trips, makes a lot of noise, lies down to make himself an easy target, and a slew of other things. One character who I didn’t mention, but is also pretty bad is the Mother. She invites the neighbor to her house and then even after Kale tells her that he is a murderer, she doesn’t care. Sure, Kale’s not the greatest person to take tips from, but she should at least use some common sense and not go to the guy’s house in the middle of the night when they’re all alone and there isn’t anyone to protect her. She just looks soooooo bad here. The early part of the film tried to make her a tough and independent character, but this nullified all of that in an instant.

Overall, There definitely isn’t much in the way of positives for this film. Originally I was going to give it a 1 because it’s super distasteful, but does it really deserve a 0? Well, after thinking about it a while as this film stayed on the backburner, I think it actually did deserve a 0. It tries to romanticize a pretty bad relationship and doesn’t actually have a moral in place to show Kale that what he did was wrong. It’s never portrayed negatively at all, but rather it happened and the heroine rolled with it. Throw in the animal violence, the stalking scenes, the unlikable characters, and the bad writing….and it all leads to one conclusion. If you want to watch a film with a similar plot, but a much better execution, check out Rear Window instead. Whatever you do, just stay away from this film. There is really nothing good to be found here.

Overall 0/10

I Still Know What You Did Last Summer Review

Disclaimer: This review is of the edited TV-14 version. All thoughts pertain to such and an uncut review would likely be harsher
Do any of you guys remember what you did 2 summers ago? I was relaxing at Florida enjoying a nice breakfast before having pizza for dinner. Well, the main character of this film had a more distressing experience as she tried to cover up a murder, but it didn’t go over so well. All of her friends were destroyed except for one so she has tried to forget this experience. That takes us to the sequel. How is she alive? After all, Julie was murdered in the first film. Well…turns out that was a dream. She effectively gets a second chance to try and win.

Julie has settled in nicely away from her old home. She is now going out with the friend from the first film (Who is nothing like his old personality, but a slight character reboot is nothing out of the ordinary for this film) and has a new best friend as well. One day, her friend suddenly wins a contest to go to the Caribbean and decides to take Julie, her boyfriend, and a guy who wants to be Julie’s friend. The four of them head out to this isolated island even though Julie knows that Ben Willis has returned. Surely he can’t follow them across the ocean right? She was wrong!

This film plays out like your average slasher. Every character starts to get picked off one by one. The main villain may essentially just be your average guy with a fishhook, but he’s fast and isn’t afraid of picking fights. He takes out one guy who was in a car and nearly takes out good ole Ray. (The friend from the older film) Every night he takes someone else out and the body count is quite high here. It’s to be expected as this film is an actual slasher. I use the term loosely so it’s nice to see a film where I can actually call it that without stretching the term. Naturally, this also means that the film is quite terrible.

It’s not quite as bad as the Shining…or even the Conjuring. This is the kind of film that can still be a little funny, but mainly because you will be chuckling at what a trainwreck it is. Seriously, nothing goes right for this film. Are you familiar with the term, “an accident waiting to happen”? Let’s just say that you could sum up the movie quickly with that line. It’s the definition of unlikable characters throughout the film. Let’s take a look at the negatives.

First, we’ll look at the filler ones. The guy in charge of the hotel is racist. This is relevant to the film because….? It adds that racial tension angle to the film I suppose, but it’s just there for extra edge. One of the few guys left in the hotel is a drug dealer who’s always talking about his drugs and trying to sell them. Naturally, everyone ignores him, but he’s another character who has no point in being here. As you may expect, both of these characters are quickly destroyed.

Next up, we’ve got the “hardcore” bartender. She murdered her husband so we naturally have to label her as a suspect…except for the fact that we already know the villain is Ben Willis. She talks a good game and helps out ever so slightly I suppose….but she’s just not a good character. She does whack one of the main characters on the head with a baseball bat, but then forgets how to fight when the villain comes after her. If a dead, overweight guy falls on you in a life or death situation, do you think you could roll him off of you? You have about 30 seconds to do this, which may not sound like a lot, but count to 30 and come back to me. It’s plenty of time to do this, but she is unable to…..okay then.

There’s a deck hand who quickly starts flirting (Or at least it came off that way to me) to show that he is expendable and a rope ties around his leg. It’s one of those nifty supernatural elements that the film loves before the fishhook guy appears to finish him off. Karla is Julie’s best friend and the only one who actually gets character development. She doesn’t seem as expendable, but just remember that this is a slasher film. Karla would be a good character if she didn’t have a habit of moving around in the dead of night to scare her friend. She tries to be a nice person though so she’s better than 99% of the cast.

Tyrell is her boyfriend and he brings us back to facepalm territory. He basically just thinks about making out for the entire film and it represents 90% of his lines. He even jokes about how nobody could hear Karla in this isolated island so he can do what he wants. It’s certainly in bad taste and shows what a terrible character he is. He talks very tough of course, but goes down incredibly fast. We’ve also got Ray, the old guy from the first film. His idea of a nice trick is to tell his girlfriend that he probably can’t go on the big trip with her. Gee, it’s not like she needs prior notice so that the ticket isn’t wasted right? He comes up big to help in the end, but still manages to underestimate his opponents and he froze up when he grabbed the gun. This is the time for action, not inaction!

There’s also Will, who’s another terrible character. He pretends to just want to be friends with Julie, but it’s obvious that this isn’t the case right from the start so he comes across as a big phony. He starts to crack by the end and it’s safe to say that he’s one of the worst characters in the film. There’s also Estes, who’s another red herring to keep everyone busy. He seems to believe in some very satanic stuff and steals possessions from the main characters. Turns out he was trying to fight fire with fire, but fails epicly and doesn’t really stand a chance. He did try to take a win via a cheap shot and I don’t know how he could have possibly lost at that point. He must have choked under pressure.

Finally, we can’t forget about Julie and Ben. Julie is super saddened by the experiences of the first film, but this doesn’t stop her from trying to get a tan in an enclosed device where she will be vulnerable. She makes terrible decisions throughout the film just like you would expect from a horror film. Julie constantly yells about how she will destroy Ben, but typically just runs away when he actually shows up. I do like how the villains tell the heroes “You wouldn’t have the nerve to destroy us!” Do they realize that they are talking to the edgy teenagers who would shoot them without a second thought? I somehow don’t think so.

There’s a twist near the end, which helps out the film’s credibility quite a bit in terms of realism. It’s still a film riddles with plot hax and nobody would ever buy this happening in real life, but as far as slasher films go, the twist did help things. This film also has a twist ending as the end. Given what happened last time, you can call this a dream, but I like to think that this really happened. If so, I’m afraid that the main characters could be doomed once again.

I personally found the film’s pacing to be quite quick here, more so than in the first film. The film goes by quickly, which is more than I can say for the average horror film. It wasn’t really a chore to watch even if it is not a good film by any stretch of the imagination. It’s actually a terrible film, it’s just funny because it’s so bad. Aside from all of the terrible characters, the film also suffers from other issues like excessive violence and fanservice. We have the unnecessary shower scenes which are just not cool and everyone gets stabbed in various ways to remind us of why this film is edgy. The characters are making out a lot and there are many suggestive comments woven throughout the script. Language is another issue.

If you can think of a negative for a film, this one’s likely got it. It fits the Slasher formula to a T. It has every stereotype that you could possibly want to avoid and then some. The villain is just a supernatural human, but the characters are always so afraid that they run away. Ben walks up slowly each time and still manages to take them out. Even 6 bullets aren’t enough to stop this guy. It definitely makes you wonder. I’d say that the first film was probably better than this one, but this film may have felt like more of a parody. I’d also say that this film may have been less violent, but mileage will vary on that as they are pretty similar.

Overall, I Still Know What You Did Last Summer is another slasher film that doesn’t know when it’s time to call it a day. The soundtrack also isn’t very good to put it mildly. This is the kind of film that you can watch as a group and find many things to make fun of. You could certainly think of some (soda) drinking games on the spot to make the experience better. The whole film’s plot falls apart when you realize that a hotel with 5 employees during their “off season” likely wouldn’t allow any guests to stay on the premise. That being said, while it can be a little funny to watch a film because it’s a trainwreck, why do that when you can watch a film that’s actually good? Think on that and then remember that Ben Willis isn’t so tough….

Overall 1/10

The Fog Review

Disclaimer This review is of the edited TV 14 version of the film. All thoughts written below only pertain to this version as the uncut review would likely be lower.
It’s time for a Halloween horror film! The Fog presents us with a film that follows the classic formula. The characters are slowly offed as the film progresses and you have to try and figure out how many characters will really survive the experience. It’s a formula that always churns out a low score, but it remains entertaining while watching it. In that sense, you could consider The Fog a success for its genre…but that may be a stretch.

The plot involves a nice little town that is about to celebrate its 100 year anniversary. They are dedicating it to their founders who made such a great voyage back in the days. Stevie has her own radio station as she plays some tunes to celebrate and the world seems to be at peace. Unfortunately, a mist…I mean a fog is rolling into town. The Weatherman doesn’t think that it’s anything to worry about, but a few fisherman disappear at sea. One of the bodies is found, but it looks like he died years ago. Mr. Malone also finds out a startling truth about the founders. Will The Fog consume the entire town…or will it engulf the planet!? Only time will tell.

As I said earlier, the film plays out rather predictably. We see a few poor travelers who are drunk (of course) and they notice the fog. Unfortunately, they were not ready to take on these supernatural forces and are quickly dealt with. A third member doesn’t notice that the other two have been defeated and he doesn’t put up much of a fight since he barely notices when he bites the big one. After that we get a “peaceful” break for a good 20-30 minutes. Then, the fog strikes back, but this time it’s hear to stay. These guys don’t plan on leaving until they fulfill their objective.

Mr. Malone found the book from the dead people so he should have known what they wanted, but he couldn’t bring himself to keep on reading after he heard about the tragedies. This was a job for the main character and it was a tense moment since he would have to dash a few feet to the couch to grab the book and the fog was approaching. Luckily, he only took his time to contemplate briefly as he was able to make it back. This is a true main character right? Well…..I suppose that he helped out in the end.

Mr. Malone isn’t really one of the main characters, but the casualties really begin to rise because of him. If he had given the villains what they wanted in the first place..maybe they would have left. Okay, they still weren’t going to leave without destroying 7 people, but maybe he could have bought the heroes some time. Hiding in the basement until the climax is not the way to become a likable character.

Stevie is the main character although she doesn’t see a lot of action. She’s always ready with a message to broadcast, but she sounds so dead over the radio. I definitely wouldn’t be tuning into that station at night! (Something a little more lively would be my preference) The stakes get real when her son gets involved in the crisis, but Stevie just doesn’t do much. She’s really a bystander in this whole occurrence and her brief fight against the two undead guys may have been good for her, but I would just call it plot hax.

Nick Castle is one of the main leads and he gets more chase scenes to himself. He was just driving down the road one day when he saw a hitchhiker. He let her in and it turns out that she is just heading in the direction that he is. They drive and we learn that Elizabeth doesn’t have any more morals than Nick so they devolve into the fake romance tropes. I say fake because that’s how it seems given how quickly they moved past the friend zone. Not cool! Nick’s big moment is where he saves a kid or when he goes for the book. That’s good for him I suppose, but I can’t say that I ever found him to be likable.

Elizabeth is the hitchhiker and she’s no better than Nick. She didn’t notice when one of the guys got up from a stretcher even though that would definitely make some sound and she didn’t help a whole lot in the climax. She’s definitely another character who didn’t really stand out in the end and ended up being a negative aspect for the film. (Let’s face it, most of the characters will fall in this pile!)

What about Joey? There’s no Joey to be found, but we do have Blake. Blake is the main villain of the film and he’s the leader of “The Fog.” The Fog is created to mask the locations of his army and they all attack when he gives the go ahead. I don’t think that they are bullet proof and they don’t seem very quick. They may have some slight super strength, but it’s definitely not a huge amount since they can barely break a door down. Blake’s design isn’t bad although it’s not quite as memorable as your average horror villain. The film doesn’t try to make you sympathize with his goal, which is always a plus since I wouldn’t have bought into it anyway. As a villain, Blake really isn’t bad. I forgot how awful he may have been during his sob story, but as an undead he had his villain morals. He only went for the destruction of his opponent and he didn’t beat around the bush. He easily beats the average horror villain.

One of the reasons why this kind of horror film never ends up getting a positive score is that everyone dying just lacks the replay value appeal. Even for the initial watch, you’re kind of hoping that the heroes can start to fight back, but it never happens. I think the film also went a little too far when the nice old lady is taken out by the villains. Did that really have to happen!? The film just should have made the baby sitter a beefy 30 year old who talks a good game. It would have been more fun. Another victim is the Weatherman, but he makes the same mistake as the old lady. Both of them open the door and then give the outside world their back. It’s not very wise to do such a thing when you’re on such a shady island during a fog storm.

The violence isn’t terrible considering the hooks that the villains use. We do see a body that is a little graphic and we can see the villains stabbing the heroes. We just usually do not see the damage that the stabs are doing, which is good even if we can still hear everything. Aside from that aspect, another negative would be the romance moment that has nothing to do with anything. It’s a classic horror trope that someone has to make out at least once before a jump scene, but it’s a trope that should really just fade away at this point.

It should be noted that we do get a twist ending. Let’s face it, you never want to have a horror film that doesn’t have a twist right? Well, let’s just say that Blake wanted to have the last laugh and boy was he going to get it! You almost feel bad for his victim, but the victim was being a little too inquisitive. “Why didn’t Blake destroy me when he had the chance!?” is basically his last line. Way to tempt the villain sir……

Overall, There were a few other characters to be found in this film, but there’s not a whole lot to say about them. We had the “tough” sidekick to the lady giving the speech, but they were both just around to show the audience (us) how to react to certain plot twists. The character cast was pretty weak and this is really just your average horror film where everyone dies until they figure out how to avenge the wrongs that their ancestors did. Nothing happens for a while in the film so you begin to wonder when the villains are going to strike. As you’re waiting, the film isn’t getting any better. There’s nothing special here and it really isn’t a fun film. If you want to watch a scary film that also has heart..check out the Subspace Emissary cutscenes from Super Smash Bros Brawl. That’s sure to send a shiver down your spine!

Overall 3/10