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The Beguiled Review

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This review is of the TV-14 version of the movie. All thoughts below should be addressed as such as a review of the unedited version would be more negative

If I saw this film in the theaters my disappointment would have been immeasurable and my day ruined. Look at this poster above? It’s a great poster and would get you hyped up for the movie. Now this is an excellent wild west adventure with some action right? Well the movie is anything but that. There are no true fight scenes here and instead we have a super awful main character and a bunch of bad side characters as well. Definitely a film that you will want to stay far away from without a doubt.

The movie starts off with John getting injured and a little girl notices him outside of her school. The headmistress reluctantly takes him in and they figure they should nurse him back to health before turning him over to the authorities. This film takes place during the civil war and the school is in the south while John is from the North. As a result their duty officially is to turn him over right away but they feel like this would not be just. So instead they are keeping him around and John figures that this is his chance to get away. His grand master plan is to seduce all of them and take over the school. The problem is…he’s succeeding. Can anyone stop him?

This is just a very mean spirited movie from start to finish. All of the characters are either corrupt or get corrupted as the events fly by. John isn’t a likable character and to the film’s defense he is the main antagonist so they’re not trying to make him likable. Whenever he shows up you’re just going to groan and he’s around for the entire film. Basically the guy has absolutely no shame in manipulating the emotions of the women there. The film is also going for the extra gritty points here by adding in two crazy additions to the plot. The first is that one of the girls is only 17.

Yeah the film went out of its way to confirm this just to make that whole plot even more awful. The film was morally bankrupt by this point. Then we see that Martha had an inappropriate relationship growing up and the less said on that the better. None of these additions do anything to improve the film or service the plot. They are only here for shock value and to remind you of what a trainwreck this movie is. At the end of the day that’s all this is and a film isn’t going to survive with this low level writing.

Shock value doesn’t work for more than a second but does lasting harm to the film. Just like that, all of the characters are ruined. John would have been ruined either way with how exaggerated he is and all the affairs he’s pulling off. The guy lies, cheats, and does whatever he can to survive all so he can avoid the war which makes him a true villain. Then the movie isn’t satisfied and also has him murder an animal just to let this all sink home. Oof that was bad.

The film really made sure that it fell into every possible cinematic landmine. The worst part is that despite this, Edwina doesn’t totally go against John. Yes she gets mad at him during several points of the film but by the end she seems to have actually forgiven him. I was shellshocked. See, the whole time I thought she was planning some kind of grand murder scheme and was just acting the part. See, that would actually make a lot of sense but the film doesn’t go this route. No, instead she got stockholm syndrome I guess and actually liked him.

At least the ending of the film is very satisfying. I got really worried that there would be a cop out at the end like the girl didn’t pick the right mushrooms but fortunately that doesn’t happen. Everything happens as it should and in a way John probably gets off a bit lighter than needed. Still, I’ll accept the outcome and while the film may have been beyond saving by that point anyway, it was a start. I was still glad to see this outcome at least.

It goes without saying that Martha’s a pretty bad character too despite trying to have a holier than thou attitude. She had a lot of issues of her own and a very troubled past. Martha also went out of her way to get even with John despite all of the excuses that she had afterwards. She absolutely knew what she was doing every step of the way and I don’t think anything could convince me otherwise. This is just who she was through and through. Edwina comes across as incredibly naïve and too emotional. The ending of the film hurt her big time as a result. Then Carol was also really annoying in her constant attempts to seduce John. This even eventually went all the way up to blackmail which was crazy and made her a full antagonist as well.

Yeah this film’s definitely no fun and you should stay far away. The film even has the southern soldiers show up at one point and then heavily imply that they were creeps as well. The scene that almost happens which the film kept hinting at was really not needed. The movie is so concerned with being edgy that it forgets to have a real plot and that’s the worst part about the film. You definitely could have tried to make a decent flick out of this even after you changed the basic plot and made the characters more likable. Instead it’s all just absurd and not in a fun way.

Overall, The film may have a satisfying ending but that doesn’t take away from the unlikable cast and all of the unnecessary elements of the film. I’s hard to get past those and ultimately the movie doesn’t have any fun. It’s definitely a hard film to finish and has below average pacing. Stick away from this one and watch something a lot more fun like the Tom & Jerry movie instead. That one will keep you entertained.

Overall 0/10

Chances Are Review

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Oh nooooooo! Sometimes you know before a film even starts that the premise is already going to be a swing and a miss. Well this one doesn’t disappoint and it’s one of those things where the premise is so bouncey that you’re not sure if it really could have been saved. There are definitely a lot of ideas you’ll have immediately to make it a bit better but ultimately this story just needed to not happen. Pick just about any other circumstance instead and you’ve got a shot.

Well, the movie starts with Louie about to get married to Corinne when his best friend Philip confides that he is currently in love with Corinne. Instead of knocking the stuffing out of Philip or running him over with the car, Louie confirms that he already knew this with a cocky smirk. Louie is promptly murdered after getting run over a car shortly afterwards but in the afterworld he has decided that he won’t pass on quite yet. He doesn’t get his memory erasure shot and runs back to Earth where he is reincarnated. 23 years pass and he happens to meet Corinne again and gets his memories back. She’s never rebounded so he figures he has a shot but now there is around a 26 year gap between them and he will have to defeat Philip for her affections. Additionally his daughter Miranda likes him since prior to restoring his memories he had started making passes at her. What can he do?

You can already see how messed up the plot is in a lot of ways. First off though, the way they handle Philip makes no sense. If Louie knows that the guy is in love with his wife then it’s time to kick him out completely. Sorry man but once everything is out in the open like that then it’s time to go. It’s never wise to ever even breathe a word about your feelings to anyone if you’ve fallen for someone who’s already taken. What you need to do is cry yourself to sleep and get over her right away. If you can’t then it’s time to move away or put some distance. Thing is, it should be easy to get over someone once they’re off the market.

It’s romance 101. Why do you think the first thing most people ask if if the girl/boy has a boyfriend/girlfriend? It’s because one you know that this is the case, you can move on immediately. It works basically every time. It’s like putting on a filter over your eyes like a pair of glasses. You may still acknowledge their beauty but you don’t see that girl as a potential lover anymore. It’s just such a basic thing and Philip still messed it up. Now the filter does fade away once she breaks up with the guy or he dies but it should work in the short term as a psychological block. Philip telling Louie this straight up is unforgivable especially since they’re supposed to be friends. It was a really selfish thing to do and it’s why you can’t root for him for the rest of the film.

After Louie dies you have to remember that the bro code is still in effect in perpetuity. It never runs out and that means you can’t go after your best friend’s girl. It’s just not something that would ever fly morally so Philip needs to buck up and keep it moving. It was good of him to look after her daughter Miranda and help out for 20 years. Sure that’s a good thing but unfortunately he did it with the intentions of getting together with her. He had nebulous intentions from the jump so I take away all of the credit immediately. This guy just needed to go away.

Now another issue with the film beyond the premise is that the romance is awful. Basically this film is going with the Chad approach that you can win anyone over with a kiss. For example Corinne says she wants nothing to do with Louie when he comes back as a 23 year old and keeps telling him to go away. So basically he just forces her to kiss him and the worst part is you see the exact moment where her mind just snaps and suddenly she wants to be with him. It was the power of the kiss and you roll your eyes when this happens. Then it happens again! Philip makes his move and of course she does the whole “We can’t be together” so he forces her into a kiss and the exact same thing happens. Suddenly she doesn’t want to be with Louie anymore and will stay with Philip.

It’s such a drastic change each and every time. You can’t possibly tell me that a romance built off of a stolen kiss can ever be successful. It will also just make you jaded. I’m convinced that half the reason why a lot of people don’t think guys and girls can ever be friends are films like this. I can picture people watching this film and jumping up and down, fist bumping, and high fiving when Philip goes after Corinne. “Called it!!!” and things like that will be yelled because he couldn’t have possibly been helping her out all these years out of the goodness of his heart.

Man the romance here is abysmal guaranteed. Then there is the whole plot with Miranda that’s pretty awful. Yeah Louie does stay away from her after he has his memories and of course, he better! It’s still just such a weird plot to throw in here and even by the end when the angel shows up with the memory drug it doesn’t make this much better. Corinne still remembers what happened after all as well as Philip and that’s going to make for a very weird family dynamic here. Also as a sidenote, Corinne just looks way too gullible here. If someone showed up saying that they were a reincarnation of anybody I would just laugh it away and keep moving. I’m not buying that story no matter what kinds of secrets they start spouting.

Why? Because I’d sooner believe in mind reading technology than reincarnation so I’d assume it was that. Any possible action this person can do I would have a better explanation for it than the person coming back to life but Corinne bought into this quickly. Well, the kiss is what pushed her over the edge which is actually much worse. I think somewhere deep within the film there is a good comedy film but it is trapped beneath the surface of the plot so it is absolutely doomed.

For example, we could have continued with the whole corrupt judge plot. There was a lot that you could have done with that but in the end it’s barely here at all. It never really ends up being very relevant at all to the point where you may even forget that there is a plot about a corrupt judge here. It has no bearing to anything. At best you can say that the car which ran Louie over was sent by the Judge but that’s never even implied. So yeah this plot was basically completely filler.

Worst part? The film ends with a massive plot hole. Basically the reason Louie got into all this trouble was because he left back to Earth before getting his memory shot and the afterworld has no defenses here. So in the final scenes the angel shows up and gives him the shot so he loses his memory. Problem is…if he could have done that then he should have done it 23 years ago while Louie was a baby. There was no reason to wait this long except for the plot to happen which means that this was bad writing. If your entire story relies on a plot hole then it’s not really a complete story at all. They should have just had Louie hit his head and forget his memories which is what I was expecting for a while there. It would have made wayyyyyy more sense and not introduced this issue at the very end. Or at least throw in a line that it takes 23 years to make a new serum. This could have been fixed so easily not that it would help the score much though.

Overall, This film was going for a weird/uncomfortable vibe with its style of comedy and it definitely succeeded. This is a plot that never needed to happen. Pretty much all of the scenes here get tainted as a result but even outside of the family dynamics the scenes outside of them are very underwhelming as well. You have an old lady falling for Louie so that he can get 2 million dollars for Corinne and it is just the most random thing possible. I know that this guy is supposed to be one of the most charming people in existence but it’s a bit much. I’d also say that the film forgets to be funny half the time as it’s more about everyone getting their feelings hurt and trampled on until the end. By the end nobody is a winner here. Philip was Corinne’s second choice. Louie had his whole identity obliterated in the end. Miranda is with someone who was just messing around with her mother and Corinne is with her second choice since Louie isn’t around anymore. Nobody within the film wins so the viewer loses out as well.

Overall 1/10

Noel Review

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If we really have to count this as a Christmas film then Noel has got to be the worst one that I’ve seen. It starts out as a stinker right away and only gets worse. It reminds me a lot of the dialogue from The Room with how off beat everything is. The way the characters talk and act just seems off and the movie just feels really mean spirited by the end. It would help if I actually liked any of the characters but they’re all just really annoying.

In this movie we follow several different plotlines, some of which connect but for the most part they’re fairly separate so lets dive into them. First up is Rose and Charlie’s plot. Rose’s mother has advanced Alzeheimer’s and is barely hanging onto her life at this point. The pressure has really gotten to Rose and she decides to end it all but it prevented from doing so by a guy named Charlie who used to be a priest. He tries to convince her that she still has a lot to live for but she just isn’t sure. She’s tried to live again by crashing parties and going on dates but it all feels empty to her.

Rose has been using all of the most superficial ways to live again and they haven’t worked but when Charlie starts to talk in more supernatural avenues like talking to her mother somehow, Rose isn’t particularly thrilled. Then the doctor in charge of Rose’s mother also likes her so everything is happening really fast. I think Charlie could have handled the situation a whole lot better the whole time because the way he brought up talking to Rose’s mother as a spirit is not really a conversation starter. Things had been going well until then so if he used more tact than it would have worked. The doctor liking her at the end also felt super rushed the whole time.

Rose isn’t my kind of character either with how turning to romance was one of her default options. She also should have said no to the coworker coming to her place when she barely knows the guy. She really succumbed to peer pressure too quickly and deep down she knew this couldn’t work out. The age gap was too crazy so why even try to see how it’ll go? Of course it’s different for everyone but personally I think at max you can make a romance work if someone’s 10 years older than you and the odds will not be in your favor. Any more than that and you’re really going to be doomed if you ask me. But ideally you want within a few years for sure. This subplot was always really dull whenever it showed up.

Then we have Nina and Mike who are close to getting married but the main obstacle right now is Mike’s quick temper and excessive jealousy. He can’t stand to have anyone even look at Nina which makes it difficult for her to have normal friends even. He flies off at the handle all the time and even punches out one of her friends. Nina hopes that he will change but is starting to have doubts and is wondering if perhaps they should just not get together. She is about to have a kid though so the timing would not be great. Then Mike bumps into a crazy who believes that Mike is the reincarnation of his wife and is trying to stir up a lot of trouble.

In a way this plot is in two places so starting off with Nina, you can absolutely see why she has a lot of reservations. Mike is just too excessive and doesn’t show any sign of changing. If there was progress then that would be good but even when she sits him down to talk about this, all he can think about are the guys she mentions may look at her from time to time. He is completely zero’d in on this which is discouraging. Nina likes dressing up to look fancy, her job will require interacting with people and her co-workers. If Mike can’t handle this then this will always be a toxic relationship.

Then Mike probably has the worst plot of all here. So you figure if there is a crazy guy like this you just avoid him and make sure not to humor the guy. Mike is a cop as well so he can arrest the guy if he gets to be too much. Instead he actually invites the guy to his house and is basically attacked before the guy has a heart attack. I get that Mike wants to be a good guy but he just goes way too far like following him to the hospital and trying to give him closure by pretending to be the wife for a quick speech.

It wasn’t a satisfying resolution. I’m not saying Mike needs to be mean about it but you don’t invite someone like that to your apartment and you absolutely don’t need to go to the hospital and humor him. This plot drags on forever and Mike’s actions just don’t feel realistic at all. I felt bad for his partner who was bewildered by this the whole time too. The partner gets a ton of credit for having Mike’s back the whole time though and always keeping his guard up. He knew that something wasn’t right and didn’t abandon his partner.

Then there is Jules who had a great time celebrating Christmas as a teenager while in the hospital and his life has been hard since then so he is determined to have one more party. To get into the hospital he hires someone to break his hand but unfortunately there is no big party this time. The hospital is way too busy with everyone running around and he basically realizes that he’ll never have a happy Christmas again. It makes sense that the hospital would be way too busy with how many patients are running around. It’s the kind of thing you figure may have happened back in the day or in a more quiet area but not here. This plot felt the most random and doesn’t get much closure as he just realizes this was all for naught.

Noel has a very gritty vibe from the start and you can tell that it’s an indie type title. Not only does everything look dirty and shady the whole time but none of the characters are all that great. Most of them don’t even seem like good people that you would get along with if you ever met them. So without great characters to root for that just puts you in an even tougher spot right from the jump. Forget a lot of happy Christmas songs and fun scenes. The movie is always very serious and depressing all the way through.

The film even throws in a bunch of fanservice scenes during Nina and Mike’s plot and everyone seems to be having an affair and making love from time to time. Every character feels so desperate and the film doesn’t have enough of a main plot to actually hold its own so it has to resort to all of this. If the characters could have at least been really good then that would have helped things but that wasn’t the case here. I also mentioned how everyone just acts oddly and that’s embodied the most in Mike’s plot. I still can’t see that story playing out this way at all. Mike honestly looks very dumb with all the risks he was taking. If the guy had a knife or a gun then it would have all been game over.

Overall, At its core the film’s problem is that there are no good scenes. There’s never a moment in the film that will make you smile or think that the movie did something cool. It’s all dreary and depressing the whole time. You might come close to laughing sometimes at just how absurd the whole thing is but that’s not good enough to actually help the film out. It’s all so slow paced and everything drags on forever. This could have been a 40 minute film considering what was actually covered and at least then it would end quickly. Instead it just keeps on going and going. Jules is probably more sympathetic than most of the main characters and even then he should have just gone to just about any party in the city since there are hundreds going on. No reason to injure himself like that. It just showed that he was also a bit crazy to go this far with that. You have to be truly desperate to have someone break your hands to try and enjoy Christmas. Definitely skip this one and stay far away!

Overall 0/10

Interstellar Review

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Interstellar is a movie that feels a whole lot like the 2001 Space Odyssey. It’s going for that super drawn out feel where you have a lot of nice visuals to look at but you can go a while without actually having any plot developments. I thought it had an interesting start but really started fading from there. Chop off about an hour or so and I think you’re looking at a better movie but either way I would say to give this one a skip. It’s just not going to be the winning sci-fi film for you.

The movie takes place in the future where things are rather dire now. There isn’t a whole lot of food left and so farmers are super important. Cooper works as a farmer but he was hoping for something better for his kids. Unfortunately the school seems to be rigging it so the family will all have to be farmers. Cooper isn’t thrilled about that and then one day he and his daughter Murph end up wandering onto a super secret government base. The officials explain that they are looking into two plans to save humanity since the plants are eventually going to die and the planet is nearly done for.

One plan is to find a suitable planet and have some people land there and repopulate the planet. The other one is to make use of mysterious wormholes that have appeared recently which can be used to get most of humanity across. Both options will be difficult but Cooper agrees to help since it is the only way that his family will be okay. He gets on the ship and prepares for a voyage the likes of which he has never seen before. Unfortunately for him it’ll be a much more difficult voyage than he ever could have guessed.

Now here are the good parts of the film. For starters I like space and the whole sci-fi angle of taking place in the future is fun. I enjoyed the first act as we see what the planet is like and how the heroes bust into the base and start thinking about the future. At this point it felt like this was still going to be a very solid, traditional sci-fi film. I can tell you that I was fairly excited at all of this.

I would say the cracks first began to show once they made it to the first planet. So it turns out that time is different here so one hour is a whole day and it only gets more drastic the further you get. So one of the dilemmas here is that Cooper could end up throwing his life away pretty much by going to these planets. There won’t be much to save if he ends up taking too long. It’s a high intensity situation so you don’t want to blame anyone per say but one character hesitates quite a bit and she ends up putting the others in danger. If you miss your evacuation point then you’re really sunk since that puts you off by a few days in real time and that’s much longer with how the time portal is working. So that was definitely tragic.

The film definitely goes for a very emotional vibe here as the years tick by and Cooper starts listening to recordings from the kids. The recordings are still able to go through but in a way he sacrificed anything including the chance to be with his children. They just had to go on without him and that fuels some resentment on their side. It’s rare to see a plan just completely fail on the hero’s side like this but sure enough, Connor just had to live with the regret of al this. I think if he could have changed it so he never left then he absolutely would have. In a way he tried to do just that by warning Murph in the past but that didn’t really work so well.

Time basically works in a loop of sorts here so you can sort of see the past and interact a bit but you can’t do much more than be a ghost. I thought there were a lot of very interesting ideas to see here and it does nail the sci-fi elements. Again, the only reason this film didn’t do better is because it’s so incredibly drawn out. The movie’s biggest failing is simply that it’s boring. There is 0 replay value here. You won’t be laughing or smiling as the film goes on and while the ideas are interesting, they’re not going to hold the film up for very long. You need good ideas and solid execution.

When Interstellar remembers that it’s an active movie then it gets more interesting again. For example I did enjoy one of the characters who shows up to add a little danger to the mix. It makes sense that being on your own could turn you a little batty and I thought that whole part was pretty interesting. That character may not have looked very good with how he cracked and all but it actually gave the film a sense of danger.

Then you also have a twist involving the old man’s plans which I thought was really solid. It definitely hits hard and makes the whole thing even more tragic. While the effects can be drawn out, I did think that the planets looked good. So there really is a lot to like here. The writing is good and the visuals are nice. I can’t say that I remember any of the tunes in particular but I feel like they were pretty decent tooo.

Cooper is a decent main character too. He’s taking all of these risks and going on this journey to protect his kids. It’s a great motivation and it’s clearly not something that he wanted to do otherwise. He does his best in every scene and so you do like the guy. He was a solid pick as the main character. The rest of the crew ranged from choking under pressure to being decent. The android was the best character though. I liked how he could talk very tough and at the end of the day he would come in handy. His strategy of being mostly honest also ended up being effective at several times in the film.

There’s not a whole lot more to say without talking myself into circles. I do think if you cut out about an hour of reaction shots and just looking off into the stars that this would be a pretty good movie. I dare say you could see a jump of 3 full stars otherwise. Because the story really isn’t bad and the characters are good. I liked the writing and there is a lot going on here. The twists land well so everything is in place except for it just being too drawn out and boring. You never want to get bored while watching a movie and so that’s a huge blemish against the experience. For example, I would never be tempted to watch this again and would actively avoid it. That’s why I can safely say this is not a good title.

Overall, Interstellar is one of the more tragic films because you can really see how it could have been good. In that respect it is still leagues ahead of 2001: A Space Odyssey because that film never had the same level of potential. That one was doomed from the start while this one was actually fairly close. Maybe a sequel would win but I get the feeling that the odds of this film even getting a sequel are slim to none. It just doesn’t feel like that kind of movie, but you never know I suppose.

Overall 4/10

Old Review

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Old is a movie that certainly got a lot of promotion. You always figure it should have some kind of a twist since the producer is known for that and the very premise goes hand in hand with having a good twist in there. There are some mysteries and it’s all very interesting but it fumbles the ball quickly. The characters are unlikable and the film explores a lot of the things you’d rather not see in quick aging instead of more interesting ideas. As a result it ultimately starts to drag and just really messed up here.

So the main characters Guy and Prisca have been having a lot of relationship issues lately. Their marriage is pretty much at an end so they’re just going to do this one last vacation and then call it quits. Well, their kids are excited for this at least and it seems like it should be fun. The place has complementary drinks and the whole thing is very high-end. They’re even invited to a private beach with a few other select guests but that’s when things get tricky. It doesn’t seem like there is a way to leave the Beach and they all start to grow older so time is limited here.

Naturally the hook is on seeing how the characters grow old and what they do about it. It’s a solid hook but you absolutely need something more than that if you’re going to make this a very memorable experience. This film opted to do that with character drama as they inevitably start turning on each other and everyone goes crazy. It’s not out of nowhere as the film does set up some legitimate reasons for why this group is so crazy but it doesn’t help take away from the fact that it’s annoying.

In a life or death situation the last thing you want is for everyone to start cracking right out of the gate. Of course a film may need some drama but I dare say that it would be executed better without this angle. Seeing the characters team up and keep on trying new things would absolutely have a much better effect. This way the characters are still likable and you’ve still got some drama as each attempt wouldn’t work which would put them in a tougher position. These are just some ideas off the top of my head that I think would have done a whole lot of good here.

Guy and Prisca start off on a rather rocky note and it doesn’t get much better for them for most of the film. Particularly once we find out why their relationship is in tatters. They put this aside to help the kids which is good but at no point are they all that likable. Then you have the kids Maddox and Trent. Maddox is okay but Trent definitely looks really bad here as he decides this is the best time to mess around. You’d think that he would hold off on doing anything crazy when all of this is going on but I guess not. I’ll throw blame onto Kara as well here as it takes two to tango.

It was a bad moment that also leads to a completely unnecessary scene as the gang have to work on helping Kara give birth on this island. Really now? You can probably guess that with the whole aging thing this doesn’t go over very well. Then you’ve also got a live surgery operation that has to go on and you quickly realize that the film is really trying for max shock value here. There’s a lot of interesting ideas you can do about being trapped on a beach with time moving so quickly like this but surgery and giving birth aren’t two items I would put on the list there.

Then with the characters going crazy it’s not like there’s many opportunities to team up either. So Charles is a surgeon but he was already losing his mind and this just made things worse for all of them. He ends up being the biggest obstacle here and on a small beach like this, having just one person against you can be absolutely deadly. The guy runs around with a knife trying to attack the others almost from the jump. Right when he appears you know something’s off and it just gradually gets worse and worse throughout the film.

His wife Chrystal at least seemed reasonable. Perhaps a bit stuck up but she wasn’t losing her marbles the way the others did. Unfortunately almost nobody is safe by the end so eventually she went looney as well. Agnes and Sedan didn’t really have a chance to crack. Patricia was in a really tough spot from the start so the whole time gimmick was going to get to her. For Jarin I thought his plan to swim wasn’t very well thought out. It’s a shame since he seemed like one of the most reasonable members by far.

In fact, he has the best idea early on and it was disappointing that nobody tried it. So this whole time you may be wondering why the heroes don’t just walk off of the beach right? Well, every time they walk to the exit they get dizzy and then end up fainting. The characters figure this is because of how time moves so quickly here that their bodies need time to adjust almost like when swimming deep underwater. So Jarin figures that maybe this won’t be an issue if they go really slowly.

That makes a lot of sense and I think it would have worked. Now, would it have actually resulted in a happy ending for all of them? Eh, probably not since getting out of the beach isn’t necessarily a win condition here. They’d probably still lose but from their perspective I think it is absolutely worth it and something they should have tried for. It would take a lot of time but still would have easily been the best chance of success.

Without saying what the twist is this time, I can say that it does make sense. It’s a bit more on the low key side so it’s nothing crazy but at least it does work which is the important thing. It’s a reasonable ending all things considered and at least isn’t super dreary or anything. The characters actually played it smart in the climax this time which was nice. If they had made any big mistakes or something then that would have been annoying.

Overall, Old is not a film I would recommend. The concept behind the island and the mystery is definitely interesting but it goes all “Lord of the Flies” way too quickly. Mix that in with just trying to be gritty for no reason and you lose a lot of the atmosphere that this film could have generated naturally. There’s just so much potential and promise that you can do with this kind of film and ultimately it just wasn’t there. This is a movie that you will definitely want to skip out on.

Overall 3/10

The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie Review

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This is definitely what I would consider to be a very weird film. Nothing is as it seems to the point where by the end you could call it pointless. Not sure I’ve ever described a film in that way before but that was my first thought. Nothing in the film ultimately mattered and it was vague enough where you could have tons of theories on what really happened. I was laughing a bit by the end at how absurd it all was. So I liked it and while it’s not the kind of film you could probably check out a second time, it was good in just how absurd it all was.

The film starts off with a bunch of rich drug dealers heading over to Alice’s place for dinner. They had been looking forward to this after her invite but unfortunately she claims the invite was not until tomorrow. They try going somewhere for dinner instead but the place had someone just die which spoiled their appetite. As the film goes on things begin to get crazier as a terrorist group is after one of the old men, the cops are on the trail of the drugs, one of them is cheating on the others, etc. Will these guys be able to come out on top?

The movie is always moving which is a good testament to the pacing I suppose. Things tend to happen quickly like the main trio looking at their cocaine stash to casually entering the diner. None of these guys are meant to be heroic or relatable in the slightest. They’re all rich folk who put up a nice front but don’t seem to actually have respect for each other. From Alice and Henri deciding to mess around instead of meeting the dinner date to Simone and Rafael having their affair, everyone is only interested in their own business.

All in all, they definitely can’t trust each other but they do have a vested interest in keeping the cops off their back. We then start to get a lot of dreams where nothing appears to be real. This may have all been figments of their imagination. There is a scene of the main characters walking through an abandoned highway that keeps on going back into focus and is even how the film ends. So you can make the case that perhaps these guys aren’t rich and these are all delusions they’re having while trying to find a car to hitchhike with. That would make a lot of sense and that’s what I’m banking on here.

The delusions can be fun though like when Rafael shoots this one guy who kept insulting his kingdom. He definitely wasn’t going to stand for that and he certainly felt brave in the moment. In another dream the characters wake up on a play set where their whole meal has been part of the act. That was definitely another really wild moment but they took it in stride. You have ghosts going around and murdering people and even two different sob stories for one random army grunt.

The movie never slows down in how crazy it all is and that’s where the movie wins some points. It may be pointless in a sense because there’s no rhyme or reason to this but at least its entertaining. As it becomes a bit of an anthology, some of the segments are certainly more entertaining than others. For example the girl with the toy animals who kept trying to assassinate Rafael was one of the weaker plots to me. I think they could have cut her out or at least made Rafael a little less sinister the whole time.

It’s easy to forget that the main characters are basically all villains here since they’re so nonchalant about it. I assume they got greedy because they already have a lot of money so why take things any further? You could also say that they got rich because of the drugs though in which case that would explain why they are in this business. It’ll always catch up in the end assuming even the beginning was real though and I have my doubts. The whole film was fake if you ask me, just delusions on top of delusions while the heat of the highway gets to them.

If you enjoy some crazy comedy then you should have a good time with it. In a sense you may enjoy the movie more if you have no idea about the plot or anything since it can catch you off guard but nowadays that’s difficult. You will likely hear about it in some way or another even perhaps as you tape the film since it will have the summary available at the ready. If it’s vague enough then you may still be able to appreciate some of the twists though.

As for the characters constantly trying to enjoy a nice dinner, I must say that French cuisine is not my favorite so most of the dishes did not look that good anyway. I like the pastries and all but the main dishes they would reference just did not sound appealing. When it comes to food, American, Italian, Chinese, and Spanish are the top tiers for me. You just can’t beat those and I love so many things on each menu. Japanese, Cuban, and Mexican would follow closely behind where I like their foods but it can be a bit more of a gamble depending on the place. Finally you have Thai and French near the bottom for me although I would say French is still in last for now. In the end just give me a McDonalds Cheeseburger or a Domino’s pizza and I’m satisfied.

Overall, how much you enjoy this film will all come down to how much you enjoy the film messing with you the whole time. You have to like this kind of surreal humor a lot to actually find the movie enjoyable or you may end up feeling like you just wasted a lot of time instead. For what it’s worth, I thought the movie delivered on the humor the whole time so I did find myself laughing at times. Not all of the segments will be so solid but more of them hit than the ones that miss and the characters do a good job of reacting to how crazy things are. It’s not the kind of film you can come out with too often but I’d say it works here.

Overall 6/10

The Devil’s Rain Review

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Now it’s time for a film that definitely never made the transition into being a good movie. In fact, you had a sneaking suspicion that this was going to be awful as early on as when the opening credits played. That was definitely the first sign that things just weren’t right here. The movie never recovers from that and just goes into shock value moments in every other scene. This is one title you’ll want to avoid.

The movie starts with Corbis launching the opening strike on the Preston family. He desperately wants a book that they have and figures he will attack and kidnap them until they give in. Once he murders Mark’s father it is time for the lead to fight. Or at least you hope so but that doesn’t exactly happen here. Mark gets wrecked so then his brother Tom heads in to stop this guy. Can anyone succeed or will this group of nuts end up defeating everybody?

There’s definitely a ton wrong with this film so it’s almost hard to know where to start. I guess the first main thing here is the opening credits are really drawn out right from the jump. It’s all very dark and dramatic as you see a bunch of disturbing images that set the unfortunate tone of the movie. This is a film where the demons will really be getting a lot of undeserved wins and the humans don’t make it any easier on them at all. If anything they tend to come unprepared.

One of the opening scenes has the father showing up just to get melted down into parts. The effects are impressive considering how old this is which is at least one thing I can say for the scene. Unfortunately the movie is only just starting its descent into madness. Mark initially has the right idea since he shows up to Corbis’ place with his gun. Now there’s a few things he could have done to end the movie. One would have been to shoot Corbis right from the start. Sure the villain acted like it wouldn’t do much but later on we see that it is quite effective on these guys so taking the shot would have really been the right move to make. I don’t think there’s even a question about that.

Instead Mark challenges him to a battle of faith but the main mistake here is actually expecting the guy to play fair. Walking into this crazy parody of a church where he will be surrounded by other villains is not a good move. By this point it’s going to be way harder to actually get out. Even with a gun you aren’t invincible if there are enough people around so you shouldn’t be testing your luck like that. It will inevitably backfire and just put you in harm’s way.

There’s also one scene right before this one where he decides to have a cup of water. Why even take that risk here? Well, he finds that it’s bitter and….then keeps drinking anyway. There wasn’t any logic in that scene and the whole confrontation with Corbis wasn’t written nearly as well as it could have been. Once Mark is captured then you have to sit through a ton of drawn out scenes as they break him physically and mentally. He definitely got a really raw deal here.

Then you have Tom who shows up to become the true main character and I can’t say that he was great either. At least he tries to call in the sheriff but naturally the guy doesn’t believe that there is a threat so Tom has to go in with his wife. Unfortunately they weren’t super prepared for this and don’t fare so well against the ghouls. There’s also a research guy who is with them and at least knows enough to say they should break the jar but even then he isn’t fast enough to do it himself. Nice idea but you should probably drop it before you say you are going to do that.

As for Corbis, well the guy is crazy evil but there’s not much more to him than that. He’s effectively the personification of the Devil or at least one of his higher ranked minions and even gets to show off his beast form. The film wasn’t afraid to throw in some extra effects and all but it’s just squandered on a film like tis. The whole movie is very dreary the whole time. I don’t think there was a single happy scene in the entire film which is really crazy to think about.

You know that the heroes don’t stand a chance from the start and the villain are really toying with them. From what we see here there is no reason they couldn’t have just stormed the house to grab the book and murder everyone. In a way they probably just enjoyed picking them off one at a time. It was rather easy for them to seemingly take over the whole town and the rest of the family too. You have to wonder how nobody noticed that people were vanishing like this. The Sheriff clearly didn’t know this was going on so maybe the members were taken from different areas or something? It’s too bad because maybe he could have helped out. For all their tough talk, the villains were not bullet proof so you should be able to just keep blasting them until they’re dead.

Overall, The Devil’s Rain is just as bad as you would expect from the poster. If you had not seen the poster you would figure this out almost immediately either way though once the credits start playing. It’s the kind of movie where there just doesn’t seem to be any point to it. It’s trying to be as dark and disturbing as possible but to what end? The film shows you that the whole area has descended into being evil and you can only delay the inevitable by trying to run. It’s not like a suspenseful horror either where you get engaged with the struggle. The whole film has an odd vibe where it’s all like an abandoned ghost town where there is no backup for miles but that also means no real lore of backstory from the side characters. Just the basic demon stuff. The heroes weren’t smart either and I still can’t forget the scene of just drinking out of the evil water there. Didn’t make any sense when you’re here to fight off a murderer. Why risk drinking at all? Just get the job done and then head back home. Either way the movie’s biggest flaw aside from being awful is that there weren’t any good scenes here. There weren’t any moments that would make you think “This was hype” at all. Hopefully there will be no remake or reboot for this and we can just let this one be forgotten.

Overall 0/10