Category Archives: Live Action Movie Reviews

Star Trek: The Cage Review

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It’s time to take a look at the pilot that began the whole Star Trek craze. It will feel very familiar even if you haven’t watched the pilot before since the original TV show re-adapted this story. It’s definitely not the best one and I don’t imagine that it would have went over very well with the fans, but it’s not terrible either. The main cast just isn’t all that likable and I can see why many of them got the axe.

Captain Pike received a distress call when his ship was in proximity to a nearby planet. He wasn’t thrilled about checking it out since he prefers not to risk his life for perfect strangers, but the others prove beyond a reasonable doubt that someone is down there and now Pike must help or risk looking antagonistic. He reluctantly beams down and is kidnapped by a group of aliens. They used illusions to trick the heroes and their telepathic abilities are formidable. They let Pike know that he has to live a fairy tail illusion life with a woman they rescued a while back or he will be destroyed. Pike half heartedly resists the whole time so he continues to get zapped along with the girl. The rest of the Enterprise tries to help, but it’s no good. Can Pike talk his way out of this one?

I feel like the special intentionally tried to make Pike unlikable. I’m just not sure what the rationale behind such a decision was. One of his lines would be pretty infamous nowadays as one of the lieutenants shows up to give him something to sign and Pike says “I don’t like seeing women on the bridge” That may not be word for word, but that’s essentially what he said. Only men may walk in the main offices and even if they have tasks for him to do, they are to wait downstairs. He even reminds the same lieutenant of that at the end of the film to ensure that they know nothing has changed. It’s not the kind of thing that you would expect from the main character and this was a trait that you wouldn’t soon forget.

Pike also made things hard on the other captive. She lets him know that she’ll be punished if he continues to ask her questions and defy the captors, but Pike continues on. I’m fine with him resisting since he should in this situation, but he should try to keep her out of it. He always brings her into danger by asking all sorts of questions. She tried to switch the topic at least 10 times at one point, but Pike kept bringing it back. Pike’s will power did start to fade by the end, but that’s when two of his crew mates showed up. We learn plot twists about them that we didn’t really need to know and it certainly made the problem a little trickier.

I do have to say that the aliens were lucky that the crew was so docile though. The heroes had actually broken through to the villain base a while back, but didn’t know it because of the illusions. This would have been found out had any of the heroes actually tried to touch the mountain though. I feel like they usually would at some point right? Apparently nobody did and that was that. It was still clever of Pike to figure out this weakness and while the aliens could have still won by using a lot of other illusions and making the heroes walk in circles all day, they had clearly had enough by the end. At least they claim that they won’t try to do the same to any more people. Their goals and motives still seemed to come out of the blue and based on how they actually helped the other captive back in the day..it doesn’t make much sense. Even if she was disfigured, she should have gone back with Pike and the others. I wouldn’t have stayed with the aliens for anything in the world.

It’s just a sad special though and that ends up hurting it in the long run. Lets ignore Captain Pike. Even without him, it would be hard for the special to be too good because the villains are just too powerful. It gets annoying to keep seeing them zap the heroes whenever they try to make a move. They didn’t have many options and you’ll especially feel bad for the old captive since she was apparently treated well at the start of things. I guess the aliens just got corrupted and Pike’s presence was too much for them to resist.

Overall, This special didn’t have a whole lot of Trekking in it, but it still feels like a Star Trek kind of plot. At least we didn’t have a lot of forced romance, but seeing as how the whole episode revolved around the premise of the captive trying to seduce Pike, it was felt anyway. There wasn’t any easy way out of the situation, but I’m sure that a better main character would have made it all more interesting. I’d recommend just watching the actual Star Trek TV show if you’re looking for some interesting plots and you can just skip the pilot. It is just a pilot for a reason after all and I’m sure that they used the critiques from the early viewers to improve upon their original ideas and to make the show solid. I’m sure that one complaint was just that the special wasn’t all that enjoyable. It’s pretty grim the whole time and if that’s what viewers thought they could expect from the show, they probably were not all that interested. It was fun to see the retro special effects though. They’ve actually aged pretty well so that’s impressive. This is just a pilot episode so it is pretty short in case you do decide to watch it. It’s not as if it’s a big investment of your time.

Overall 4/10

A Christmas Story Review

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It’s time for a classic Christmas film. Despite it being so classic, I can’t say that I was really familiar with this movie before watching it or that it left much of an impression afterwards. While not quite as interesting as other slice of life comedies of its nature, A Christmas Story doesn’t make too many mistakes. It just hasn’t aged particularly well, but its use of the narrator voice is quite good and I’d like for more films to do it. It could definitely make the kid characters a lot more interesting and while it wouldn’t completely fix my issue with them, it would help quite a lot.

For Christmas Ralph wants a BB gun toy. Unfortunately, his parents do not approve because it is easy to injure yourself with such a dangerous toy so they continually point out that he should just get something plain instead. Ralph decides that he’ll have to convince them somehow, but he must proceed carefully. Luckily, his adult self is here to show us his thought process and maybe this will be enough to get him to claim victory. Hopefully because he is completely sunk otherwise!

I can’t say that I like Ralph, but I do like his adult voice that is used whenever he is thinking. It makes him sound like a good character and it makes him more interesting as well. Unfortunately, the actual Ralph is basically just your average kid and not even a very nice one. He ditches his friends whenever the going gets tough. If a bully shows up, he’ll let his friend take the fall. If one of his friends is stuck to a lamp pole, he’ll pretend not to know about it. That’s just the kind of guy Ralph is and he’s also a chronic liar to boot. He doesn’t have a lot of good qualities and while he is supposed to be endearing, I can’t say that this ever worked.

His parents were a lot more reasonable although they had their flaws too. The Dad enjoyed the sketchy lamp a little too much and I can see why the Mother quickly decided to break it. His attitude towards the neighborhood dogs was also a little iffy and the most dicey part of the film was when he closed the door on one of their ears. It’s meant to be funny, but if you’ve been following my reviews then you’ll realize that it was anything but funny. The Mother opposed the gun plan and I can certainly agree with her on that. Giving Ralph the soap treatment for repeating a bad word was also a good thing.

It was nice to see Santa and his elves appear as well. They were pretty realistic interpretations of what to expect if you ever went to a mall to meet up with Santa Claus. They are paid by the hour so naturally they wouldn’t want anyone to take up to much time and once it’s 5, they’re ready to head out. Even then they gave Ralph some nice advice so that was awfully considerate of them. Ralph should have heeded the warning since he ended up injuring himself as soon as he got the gun. Not a very smart play eh? There was also a sub plot where the bullies would corner the heroes every day and force them to give up some money. I have to admit that this plot did grow old rather quickly. Seeing it once or twice was enough and the kids probably should have done something about it. Ralph did end up beating one of them up in one of the more cheesy scenes and I guess that ended the plot at least.

One of the better moments of the film was when the Ovaltine conspiracy happened. Ralph had to buy a lot of Ovaltine containers to win the decoder so he could figure out the messages on the radio. It turns out that the message was to “Buy more Ovaltine” which was a nice slap in the face to consumers. It wasn’t even subtle as to get the decoder you had to buy a lot of Ovaltine and now this was saying that you had to buy some more. I don’t imagine that the company had a lot of happy customers, but I suppose that it doesn’t matter too much when they’ve already bought the decoder. It’s a rather slick move, but that’s why it’s so genius.

The film actually has a pretty small cast when you think about it. Aside from the parents, Ralph is really the only notable characters. Yes, there are classmates, the bullies, and Ralph’s kid brother, but they don’t do much. That may be part of the point since Ralph is the main character and he’s telling the story. I can’t say that it matters much either way, but since Ralph wasn’t really a good character, it may have been helpful to have another main lead to help hold the film. There’s no guarantee that the other character would have been much better, but it certainly would have helped the odds. It also may have just come out at the wrong time. If this film was a little older than the writing would have given it a boost and the setting would be all different. If it was newer than they probably would have tried to make it more exciting. This could be a case of wrong place, wrong time.

Overall, A Christmas Story may not do a whole lot of things wrong, but its biggest crime is probably just the fact that it can be boring. The film tries way too hard to be normal and to be an example of an every day Christmas for the every day family. It doesn’t have any animal violence, the writing’s not terrible, and it’s not edgy. The problem is just that it doesn’t do a whole lot of good either. The family tries so hard to be realistic that it really isn’t and the characters don’t have a lot of personality. I think the main problem that the film faces all comes down to Ralph as the main character. Lets face it, it’s hard to have a kid as the main character and still manage to be an interesting film. It’s simply very rare and not even the cool voice could do it. If you’re looking for something peaceful to watch then this film could work well for you, but you’re better off watching another Christmas film like Jingle All The Way or Christmas with the Kranks. They’ll give you more laughs and just have more personality in general. I fear that this film has simply not aged well.

Overall 4/10

The Grudge 2 Review

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This is another one of those films that I was a little surprised wasn’t R. I totally would have guessed that it was the whole time so I’ll give it some props for restraining itself. Unfortunately, that wasn’t nearly enough to turn this into a good film and it’s just as terrible as you would expect. It makes all of the usual horror film mistakes and you will question why this film even exists.

Burning the house in film 1 didn’t really accomplish anything since the Grudge is basically all powerful. Aubrey heads over to the hospital to visit the protagonist from the first film and in this way she gets to say her final goodbyes before the Grudge catches up to them. A reporter by the name of Eason shows up to let Aubrey know what is happening and then they basically acknowledge that they’re also doomed. In another plot, a girl named Allison is thrown into a closet by her classmates and that is where she comes into contact with the Grudge. It quickly takes care of her classmates along with the principal and then finishes off Allison at the end of the film. The third plot involves a little kid who makes the big mistake of getting in the Grudge’s way and is knocked off. The Grudge: 3 Everyone else: 0

To ensure that you don’t really know what is happening, the film’s 3 plots all happen simultaneously although there is around a 2 year gap between two plots and the third is actually a direct sequel, but the film doesn’t let you know that until the very end. It’s not as if it matters all that much though since the Grudge gets everyone in the end. You watch most horror films with the general understanding that the heroes are doomed. Even if they win, they will die in the twist ending or be corrupted. That’s not fine and I dislike just about all horror films, but this one takes it to the extreme as everyone and their families are also taken out. If you even know anyone who knows the Grudge then you’re doomed.

See, it can exert an evil aura which turns people evil. It mind controls one person into murdering someone else and then does the same thing for a bunch of other people. Some victims it decides to let live for a few months or even years in some cases so they can meet other people and expand its sphere of influence. Keep in mind that this is just for fun though as it can just go and destroy someone whenever it wants too. One character was able to live for months only for the Grudge to appear from inside of her sweater and take her to the underworld. It could do so at any time, but just wanted to prolong the whole thing.

It’s rather depressing if you think about it. I haven’t seen the film in a while so I probably can’t even remember how bad it was, but I remember enough for it to get a fairly low score as it is. There is animal violence thanks to the flashback as a cat is murdered. I believe that there is the generic shower scene or at least I do remember one of the characters being in a locker room when the Grudge pays a visit. The film tries to convince you that the Grudge is super scary by having the main characters panic a lot to the point where they can’t control themselves. They’re tormented each and every day and you know there is no escape so it’s pretty dark.

The film has no end to its grit either as the whole film is just really dark. The Grudge forces a family to be destroyed by one of its own and repeats the process twice. It takes out the main character of the first film in a very dramatic way and the list goes on and on. I think the mind control ability is also what really pushes the concept here since I at least like for the main characters to have their free will. If they can’t fight the Grudge and are also forced to be its lackeys….then that’s just pretty sad. The first film was pretty terrible as well, but this one is even worse. It’s not as if there’s much of a difference when you’re this low, but it shows how you can always continue to get worse and worse. It’s tempting to give this film a 0, but it never gets skeevy the way that most 0 films get. A little more animal violence or general violence would have certainly helped get it there though.

If there’s anything positive to say about the film, it’s that the special effects can be pretty good. The Grudge is certainly pretty menacing even if it is a little overpowered. If you ask me, the Grudge should certainly be stronger than the heroes since that’s kind of the point, but I’d like to see them fight back a bit. If not, then I’d like to see the Grudge beat them with cool looking attacks or something instead of always using dozens upon dozens of jump scares and cheesy reality warping abilities. It can basically do anything and that’s a little too much power for any villain.

One last compliment I can give the film is that it can be interesting. Some scenes are just not fun to watch of course, but there are others that can keep you engaged. The good visuals mixed in with the strong villain will ensure that you aren’t bored. The futility of everything will eventually catch up to you though and we can use the classic car crash example. You can’t look away, but at the same time it’s not as if you want to watch it. It’ll hold your attention, but it’s still a bad event. It’s the same with this movie, it’s interesting enough and will keep your attention, but the whole time you will be constantly reminded that it’s a pretty bad film.

Overall, The Grudge 2 is one of those films that you should avoid at all costs. Horror films try their best, but to this day there has only been one good horror film not counting certain subsections like Scooby Doo. The main problem is that horror films rely on all of the wrong tropes that hurt a normal film so when you blend them together it’s clear that the film is not going to do well. Some of these horror films are at least interesting to watch and I guess that’s a start, but what’s the point if the film isn’t going to be good in the end? You should just go and watch something a little more cheerful like Madoka Rebellion or Charlie Brown instead. At least those films will leave you with a sense of fulfillment.

Overall 1/10

The Frozen Ghost Review

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It’s time to look at a retro Lon Chaney film. I’ve seen quite a few of his films and still have a bunch of others to see someday. This one is a classic tale of hypnosis and whether it is real or not. There are certainly quite a few antagonists in this film and their plans are so risky that they can even prove fatal. It’s a pretty interesting film, even if it can get a tad convoluted at times.

Alex is a skilled master of mental abilities and has been working in this trade for a long time. One day a drunk individual shows up declaring that Alex is a fraud. Alex decides to prove him wrong by hypnotizing the guy, but then he also ends up wishing that the drunk would die. The drunk does abruptly die and Alex is thrown into a state of shock. It can’t be proven that he did it of course and everyone tells him that it was a coincidence, but Alex doesn’t think so. He moves into a wax museum to try and get past this and even breaks up with his fiancee Maura. Unfortunately, he has just entered the Lion’s Den as George, Rudi, and Valerie all want him dead. Nina is the only person in the Wax Museum who doesn’t have any ill will towards him, but it’s rather easy to be fooled when everyone around you is giving you false intel. How will Alex get out of this situation without using his mental abilities to fatally end this?

Alex is a good character as always although he can maybe be a little too low in confidence. He immediately blames himself quite a bit and goes into mourning so fiercely that he just tries to make life as tough for himself as possible. It’s not really necessary and pushing Maura away was also a little too extreme. Dishing out his own punishments was definitely not a great call on his part. Alex did have a good plan at the end though and at least he didn’t totally lose himself in what was happening. Maura was a good heroine and she never stopped trying to help Alex. She was able to persevere and was definitely a trust worthy ally that Alex could depend on. He was lucky to have her around.

Nina was rather naive and didn’t handle any situation too well, but it can’t all be blamed on her. As I mentioned earlier, it’s hard to really get what is happening when there is nobody around to give you even a semi-accurate account of what has transpired. She wasn’t a villain at least so that was someone else that Alex could trust or at least not fear. George and the other villains were rather petty and did all they could to smear Alex’s name and erase whatever confidence he had left. They were decent in their roles, but not nearly as interesting as Ilona from another film that I have a review coming out for soon and other such antagonists.

I did like Inspector Brant and while he kept on doubting Alex and not believing in mind powers, I can’t really blame him for that. At least he was doing his job well and quickly hustled to take down the villains. He even swallowed his pride and asked Alex for help at the end with a particularly difficult case. In a rare moment of selfishness, Alex declined as he claimed that he didn’t have any powers just to mess with Brant. I thought that was a little mean of Alex and his decision could have some real consequences. He could have saved a person or even many depending on what kind of crime he may have been able to stop. The fact of the matter is that he let his personal grudge with Brant interfere with his job to help society. Even if it wasn’t a grudge and Alex just wanted to have some fun, it was certainly at the wrong time and I can only hope that Brant was able to solve the case by himself.

You can draw a lot of similarities between this film and Calling Doctor Death. There was a lot of betrayal and hypnosis going around between the main cast. The climaxes may have been a little different, but overall it felt like two alternate routes to what was essentially the same main plot. This film had less monologue from Alex though. Both films were solid, but I might have to give the ever so slight edge to Calling Doctor Death. Regardless, both are rather short films and you can even see them back to back since they’re both pretty fun and fast paced.

You may just lose track of some of the characters after a while. It’s not so much that the cast is big, but everyone has quite a few motives and since Alex is oblivious to everything around him, it’s sometimes hard to tell exactly what is happening. I still say that the villain’s plans also were a little iffy and they definitely wouldn’t work too well against a different main character. There were a lot of gambles here, but most of them paid off I suppose. Without Maura, the villains probably would have had the last laugh here.

Overall, this is definitely another fun film to add to your collection. It doesn’t take itself too seriously aside from Alex since Chaney always takes himself very seriously and always makes sure to be an upstanding guy. Seriously, it feels like people try to tempt Alex to the dark side in every film or give him chances for revenge, but Alex never cracks. He always stays as an upstanding hero and makes all of the right calls. The plot is pretty good and will keep you guessing the whole way. One villain’s fate is rather sad since the plan backfired a little, but that’s why you shouldn’t lock yourself away in a freezer. I forget if that was purely part of the plan or not, but even if it was an improvisation, it’s a sad way to go out. You’ll probably sympathize with Alex as the film goes on and his strong conscience just makes it all the worse for him. I definitely recommend checking this film out and then you can make your own guesses as to whether or not his powers were actually real. For the record, I’d definitely say that they are based on the very first circumstance. I don’t buy into coincidences and it just makes sense. It’d be cool to see how this version of Chaney would stack up against the Werewolf. I may have to actually give this one the edge although the Man-Made Monster, electric version of himself is probably the most lethal. It’s cool to see how many different monsters he’s become over the years.

Overall 7/10

The Shadow of the Cat Review

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It’s time for another old film, but one that certainly ended up being quite a lot better. It’s a solid film with an engaging plot and it never drags on since the film is barely over an hour. There aren’t really any good characters for the most part, but that’s fine since they will go down one by one anyway.

One day, Ella is murdered by her butler Andrew. He was in cahoots with her husband Walter and the maid Clara. The three of them took her out so they could grab her riches. Conveniently for them, they even have a Will signed by her that gives everything to Walter. The problem is that her real will is somewhere in the house and they can’t find it. Well, no matter. They invite Beth over because the real will gave everything to her. They just need to take her out of the picture so they can be really safe. The problem is that Ella’s cat saw the whole thing and now she is out for revenge. Can the adults handle one cat or are they doomed!?

The Cat is definitely the MVP here. It’s hard to deny it since the Cat is by far the most efficient member of the cast. One by one she bumps the villains off and does so theatrically. She lets the others know that they will be next and even gives the main villain a heart attack. Walter and the others begin to fear the Cat quite a lot while also disliking it more and more. The ball is still in the Cat’s corner though and she knows the place like the back of her hand. She knows that she can pick off the others whenever she wants so she bides her time…and pounces when the time is right!

Naturally, there’s no way you will feel bad for any of the villains. Andrew murdered a defenseless old woman so he was doomed from the start. Even when he managed to capture the Cat for an instant, he underestimated how long it would take to get to the river and was quickly drowned by the Cat. It was all over for that guy. Walter’s death was only a matter of time as well as he started to have strokes and heart attacks whenever the cat was near. He played the part of the nice guy when everyone else was around, but he couldn’t trick the Cat. Finally, Clara may not have been as directly involved, but she was in on it so that made her guilty as well. Her end was just as intense as the cat slammed her to the ground…from a few stories up! She never stood a chance against the cat’s technique and skill.

Seeing as how the villains were getting tossed and turned the whole time, Walter called for some backup. He invited his corrupt family members over and they all wanted to end his life as well. Clearly, this may not have been his best move and it turns out to be his final one. It’s not like they have any more luck against the cat though. They talk a good game, but simply don’t stand a chance. Not even the ex-con is clever enough to stop the cat.

As for the heroes of the story, I might as well start off with Inspector Rowles. He doesn’t believe this “rubbish” about a cat murdering people and is content to just walk around and look important. He’s easily the most likable protagonist as you have to admit..would you believe that a little cat was destroying everyone? It is a little hard to swallow so I can accept his response. At least he wasn’t too unreasonable and still suspected the villains by the end. Michael’s a reporter who is very eager to believe what is happening and gets to the bottom of the puzzle right away. He’s certainly skilled as he found out everything. His romance with Beth was handled poorly though as it just happens out of the blue. Even then Beth doesn’t believe him about how Walter is evil and she is slow on the uptake the whole time. Beth was pretty annoying. Her worst moment was when a butcher knife was thrown at her and Beth didn’t really care. She just shrugged and kept on going instead of stopping to think that maybe these people are dangerous. She accepts that they are bad people when they keep talking about murdering the cat, but she never does anything about it. She’s also a little too accepting of the fact that she wasn’t in the will. Beth should have suspected foul play there.

This film could have easily taken a wrong turn if the cat had actually been captured and destroyed. The film would have went the ghost route as it avenged itself, but it still would have been too dark. Given how desperate all of the villains were to murder it, I wouldn’t have wanted to give them the satisfaction. How the film went about the plot was just about perfect if you ask me. I mean, it would have been hype to have seen the cat pick up the gun and shoot everyone, but the slow and steady approach worked as well. It’s definitely not too often that you see a cat destroy everyone. The film isn’t too violent either. The most violent scene is probably when Ella got murdered and luckily we get that over with right away. The Cat should have helped there and I was a little surprised that it did not, but at least the Cat helped to avenge Ella later on. Better late than never I suppose.

What also makes this film a little different is the fact that the Cat is avenging Ella as opposed to just being an evil cat who murders everyone. None of the heroes are bumped off since they weren’t responsible for destroying Ella and the new family who moves in should also be safe in theory. I’m sure that the cat would have made for a good villain as well, but it was a nice change of pace to see the Cat as a vigilante hero.

Overall, This is a pretty fun film. It’s not a comedy I believe, but plays out like a good natured slasher film. I know that the term slasher may not be the most appropriate here, but how else do you describe a film where a mysterious, super powerful villain begins to bump off all of the humans one by one? Regardless, the film kept it classy throughout and while the villains were all evil and unlikable, the film never went too far to show us just how gritty and dark they were. Moderation is always key and this film did a good job of that. I definitely recommend checking it out and I’d say that this one beats the Black Cat. We’ll see if the Black Cat sequel can match up to this one though.

Overall 7/10

Voodoo Woman Review

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Uh oh, it’s time for another indie film. You know how some series like Transformers start you off with a low bar? Indie films have no bar at this point so you can only expect to hit rock bottom and not rise above it. It’s rather sad to generalize all indie films like that, but it’s gotten to the point where I’ve probably seen like 10+ indie films in a row and they’ve all turned out to be completely terrible or just very bad. This one is no exception as it manages to reach the legendary 0 score. There’s just nothing good about this film and it gradually gets worse and worse as it goes on.

Marilyn wants to get rich so she murders some guy and gets the bartender to trick a hired guide to take her to some tribes. She wants their gold and will do just about anything to get it. Dr. Chaka tells her that the tribe will let her steal their gold if she goes through a ritual. He wants to do this because he aims to create a super creature who is superior to humankind and then he will show her off to the other colleges. She has different plans for this though and either way, the tribe looks to be in some real danger.

The film starts out at rock bottom right from the get go. We see a dead animal as part of a vicious ritual and then a young maiden having to become a monster. She resists the orders to destroy her village, but it’s still a pretty sad fate. She escapes only to get forcefully used and then murdered by one of the main characters. The film was desperate to stay as dark and gritty as it could throughout. This scene didn’t add anything to the film and just reminded you of what you were watching.

Another ongoing plot is that Marilyn is used to getting what she wants through the use of her feminine wiles, but Ted (The adventurer) is determined not to let her win. As such, he goes the James Bond route. He has his fun, but always reminds her afterwards that he still won’t help her. It’s certainly not the most heroic route to go if you ask me and it just makes both characters look really bad. Rick’s the terrible main character who turns out to be evil and is quickly murdered afterwards. It was good to have him written out of the film at the very least.

Meanwhile, you have Chaka’s wife who is imprisoned in her own home. She makes the mistake of running towards the villains though which doesn’t end well. At least she gets over her husband’s death pretty quick once Ted comes along. Chaka was a bad person and the film made sure to show that quite a lot so it makes you wonder how they ever got together anyway. Meanwhile, one slave tried to help the wife, but was naturally murdered for his efforts. If you leave this film alive, you can count yourself lucky since most of the characters were murdered by the end.

The actual Voodoo Woman in question wasn’t a very scary monster. She could barely move and had to be the slowest villain that I’ve seen since the Gill Man. While she was bullet proof as well as acid proof, I can’t see anyone actually being scared of her in the theater. That means that the film failed on that account. The suit was also pretty low budget and just looked fake the whole time. The film also barely had the Voodoo Woman appear, probably due to budget constraints.

The film’s first half takes forever to go anywhere. The two plots don’t merge until the film is already well into the climax and then it quickly ends. I was glad that the film wasn’t any longer since it had already been dragging on for quite a while. The sooner it was over the better if you ask me. After all, watching a 0 star film is never much of a pleasant experience. How could the film have been better? Well, cut out Rick and all of his scenes, take away Chaka and his experiments, take away Marilyn and her unfortunate plots, take away all of the animal violence, and then we’ve got a film. The problem is that you’re taking away about 80% of the film so it’s a completely different movie by that point right? That’s why there basically isn’t anything to save in this film, it would take a whole other movie to be good.

The only part of the film that could have been semi decent was the corrupt cafe towards the beginning of the film. I like how the bartender robs people and then covers up murders for an extra profit. He covers all of the bases and even robs the people that are about to be murdered so the real murderer can’t take the full cut of the profits. Even here though, the film makes sure to remind you that none of the characters are too smart. One professional is distracted by a dancer who very obviously goes to distract him and doesn’t notice that two villains went into his room in the mean time. This guy was supposed to be smart…how could he fall for the oldest trick in the book? It was pretty disgraceful so it was hard to feel bad for him when he met his inevitable demise. At least he didn’t have to live through the rest of the film so that’s something.

Overall, The Voodoo Woman is a movie that is best left forgotten. It’s not a film that is so low budget that it ends up being good. It’s just a bad film that doesn’t get any better no matter how long you continue to watch it. There are few films that are quite as bad as this one and it’s just unfortunate. I can’t say that I ever had much hopes in a film about Voodoo though. It’s certainly not the most interesting plot device out there. Ideally I won’t be seeing a film this bad again for a while, but you never know. There’s always another film around the bend that it just waiting to reach new heights and once in a while…they succeed! There’s a twist ending in this film by the way so if you somehow watch the movie, stick around for it. It reminds you that the whole thing is futile. Of course, you should watch just about any other film instead of this one. Even Pixels is a considerable improvement since it at least features an arcade.

Overall 0/10

Legend Review

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It’s time for an old Tom Cruise film. Unfortunately, this is easily his worst and you know that a film is going to be dicey when he isn’t at least an entertaining character. How do you get Tom Cruise wrong? This film is old so it couldn’t have taken notes from Jack Reacher or Mission Impossible, but even so….I don’t know what they were thinking. This is a fantasy film that takes the fun right out of itself and instead plays out like a very low budget drama. Stay away…stay far away!

The plot starts off with Lily going to see Jack. Jack is a wild man who lives among the trees and wilderness like Tarzan. He can talk as we see later in the film, but acts like he cannot. He has virtually 0 listening comprehension and just gazes on with his mouth open for the entirety of the film. He warns Lily that she should pet the Unicorns or bad things might happen. She laughs and pets them, not realizing that as she distracts them, the villains shoot one with a poison dart. The villains take away the Unicorn’s horn, which basically stops time and bring about a snowy end for them all. Jack must stop the incarnation of darkness now before it’s too late.

The story isn’t half bad, but the execution is absolutely terrible. Again, I can’t stress enough just how bad Jack was. He’s one of the worst main characters out there when we only count ones that technically should not be bad. It’s not as if he’s a bully, villain, flirt, or anything like that. It’s just that his Tarzan imitation is taken way too far and it didn’t add anything to the film. Whatever the writers were going for simply didn’t work. It made him very unlikable and he also lost all of his charisma. Considering that Jack is the main focus of the journey, this didn’t bode well for the film.

Lily was also not a likable character. Not only did she disobey Jack’s instructions intentionally, but she just didn’t seem to care. Tossing the ring into the ocean just to see if Jack could get it wasn’t her best move either. While Lily did good in freeing the Unicorn, any seen with her and Darkness was pretty painful. Her lack of will power was certainly exposed here and it didn’t do wonders for the villain’s credibility. He had a pretty nice shadow cloak I suppose. Darkness had a great design, but the actual character could not live up to it. Not only is he too infatuated with romance over actually taking over the world, but you never really get what his goals are. I suppose he just wants to make the world a dark place, but that’s not a goal that you can easily get behind. He’s just there to be the villain, but never does all that much more.

There are other side characters, but they’re all pretty bad. You’ve got Oona the fairy, but she’s pretty annoying. Her only big moment in the film is when she tries to use her illusion magic to get together with Jack, but this luckily failed and she just flew away. There were a bunch of trolls and elves as well, but they didn’t add much to the story. The problem is that this film wanted to be a fun little fantasy adventure that would get a cult following at some point and revisits for years, but this just didn’t happen.

The film hasn’t aged well at all and ends up feeling very dated. It looked old right from the start and I didn’t even have to wait to see the effect. The scenery just looks so bad and while the snow is always fun, the film felt more like an 80’s film than a 90’s one when is comes to effects. If only it could have had the 80’s strong writing and charisma. That would have definitely gone far to help this title out. There just isn’t all that much to say about the film when it comes to positives. There isn’t really anything that the film does right and it only doesn’t get a lower score because it didn’t do anything super wrong that would warrant such a verdict.

Unfortunately, time will only make this film appear to be worse and worse. Some titles only grow stronger as your nostalgia goggles form and your old experiences of watching the film cement it as a legend. Others have the reverse effect. I have a feeling that I’ll still dislike this film just as much in 5 years and maybe more so since I’ll have no positive associations with it. What the film needs to do in order to save itself is get a reboot. Maybe it can’t save the 80’s adaption, but a 2020 remake with updated graphics and a complete script overhaul could change things quite a lot. As I said earlier, it’s not so much the plot that is the problem here, but everything else.

Overall, Legend is one of those films that you can definitely live without. Seeing Tom Cruise in one of his younger roles may make you want to see this film so that you can see if he was always a great actor, but it’s not worth it. It’s better to just keep on wondering if maybe he had a bad film back in the day, than to watch it and dispel any doubt that you had. I doubt that anyone involved with this film ever looked back and decided that it was a great film. It’s just boring and with no likable characters, that’s just not going to end well. If you want a pretty solid film with a lot of adventure and action, check out Final Fantasy: Advent Children. That one’s the ticket!

Overall 3/10

Jingle All the Way 2 Review

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It’s time to look at the sequel that nobody even knows about. The original Jingle All the Way is classic at this point, but the sequel has been overlooked time and time again. At this point, a third film is unlikely to come out anytime soon. It’s definitely not a bad film and I thought that it was entertaining enough, but it certainly is a step down over the last film. You can tell right away that this wasn’t a theater film and the soundtrack isn’t quite as good. You can draw a lot of similarities between this and Home Alone 4, but the ending is much better here.

It is almost Christmas time and Larry wants to give his daughter Noel the best Christmas ever. The problem is that her new Step-Dad please wants to have her over for Christmas. The official system is that she switches between them every year as they alternate days, but the step Dad pulls rank. The compromise is that Larry will have her for the first half and will then bring her back over for the second half. In the week leading up to Christmas, he now has to really show Victor up. He steals her letter to Santa, where Noel asks for a super cool Teddy Bear. Larry knows what he has to do but Victor won’t make it easy.

Once again, it’s one of those cases where the contrast between the two Dads is probably exaggerated a little too much. Larry has let himself go since the marriage fell apart and now he’s super overweight. He’s not very smart and economically he isn’t doing well either. He attempts to impress Noel by connecting his car lights to the Christmas ones, but ends up losing all of his electricity so they can’t bake cookies or even have a proper breakfast. They have to settle for cereal. Larry’s a nice and likable guy, but it’s clear who we are supposed to think will give Noel a better Christmas when it comes to material goods. What works in Larry’s favor is that he has no real responsibilities and can just hang out with Noel all day. They go sledding, ice fishing, and do all kinds of stuff. Larry’s super laid back and relaxed as well with a charismatic personality so it’s easy to see why he’s fun to be around.

One thing that really hurts Larry’s case though is the fact that he’s always taking cheap shots at Victor. You never see Victor insulting Larry, but whenever Larry sees something that he can use against Victor, he takes it. “I bet Victor’s food isn’t this good right Noel?” “I bet Victor’s no fun” and he takes shots at Victor throughout the entire film. Naturally, the writers make sure that Victor jumps over the fence in the last part of the film, but otherwise, it’s hard not to be in his corner right from the start. Also, Larry cheats at games.

Sleigh bells ring…are you listening? Odds are that you’re not if you’re Victor. He’s so rich that he is hosting the town’s Christmas party this year and even buys a 10000 dollar tree. He wants to make Noel’s Christmas great so she can accept him as her new Dad. He pulls out all the stops and I wouldn’t even say that it’s to make Larry look bad. He’s just insecure and is doing everything that he can to give himself better odds. It only gets personal once he finds out that Larry is looking for a bear so he decides to buy all of them in the city. This is the only part where he goes too far as he wrecks many Christmases since everyone wanted the toy and it was a pretty dirty move. He is forced to give them back by the end and the heroes make up. So, the film wants you to go with Larry or to admit to a draw, but I’m going with Victor here. I’m not saying that money wins, but Larry had many chances, but blew them all. Victor wouldn’t have been able to buy all of the toys if Larry hadn’t slept in. Furthermore, they both (Victor’s proxy anyway) ran into a store at the same time when it opened, but Larry was outrun (Of course) and by the time he got to the toy section, they’d all been nabbed. Larry did his best after that, but he got taken into a choke hold and an Elf beat him up after that. It was rough for Larry, but at least he never gave up.

Noel was actually a lot better than Jamie from the first film. She was really understanding the whole time and took everything in stride. It was as if nothing could bring her down and the only thing that mildly upset her was how everyone kept fighting over her. She got everyone in line though and ultimately acted like one of the best kids in recent films. It’s hard to be better than her. Her Mom didn’t really have a role at all, which was surprising. She basically just watched the two Dads fight with an amused expression the whole time.

The film’s humor does occasionally wander into lower depths than the first film. Larry gets so nervous that he does something pretty sad and then makes sure to tell his friend about it. Not only is this not funny, but it doesn’t make sense. At least not for something this mild. The scene where Larry’s looking for trees and an attendant comes out to help him is also poorly handled with cringe worthy dialogue at every corner. That moment couldn’t end fast enough! Once those two moments were out of the way though, the rest of the film is fairly sound.

It certainly flew by fast and the film was just entertaining. While Larry was a little too exaggerated to allow him to be a winner here, his personality was handled well. You can still tell that he’s a nice guy as opposed to being a terrible person who just happens to be a good father. There’s a difference, trust me. His Teddy Bear fight with Victor is good as well although it naturally doesn’t beat the fist fights from the first film. I definitely think that this one held back a little too much in that regard. The action was dialed down quite a lot. Perhaps they thought that it would be bad for the kids to see or something? I get that standards have changed over time, but since the WWE helped with this film, you’d expect some action.

Overall, Jingle All the Way 2 is an admirable sequel. It may not have topped the original film, but it’s a good film in its own right. Some parts of it are fairly cheesy and don’t make sense, but that’s the problem with having this plot amidst a very exaggerated contrast. Victor’s speech about how he envies Larry’s ability to go out and have a lot of fun is just a little unbelievable. It’s a lot easier to buy into Larry’s argument since he literally cannot compete with Victor’s money. It doesn’t help that all of Larry’s attempts to do something special for Noel backfire completely. Taking a peek at her letter was also very underhanded and I like to think that Victor would not have done that although I suppose that’s not a complete guarantee. If you want a hidden star in this film, keep an eye out for Victor’s head of security. He may have thrown Victor off the bus by the end, but he did a really good job of executing the mission right from the get go. I’d recommend checking this film out. It also feels pretty fresh since I had not seen it before and adding new Christmas rosters to the collection is always a blast. No worries, it still makes for a good January film. I’d actually like to see a third film and it’d be even better if it was a crossover. They could have both families fighting over one copy of a new toy. Arnold may be old, but he still has fighting spirit and if they could get Myron back, the duo would be set!

Overall 6/10

Jingle All the Way Review

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I’ve seen this film many times over the years, but that was before my reviewing days. I finally got a chance to rewatch it the other day and the film holds up well. It’s a fun Christmas film that you can certainly watch time and time again without the story getting stale or losing its charm and for me it’s probably the most iconic Christmas film thanks to how many times its been viewed in my household.

The film follows Howard, a rather successful business man. His problem is that he tends to forget about everything else once he’s at work and this leads to him not getting his son Jamie a gift for Christmas. He can’t afford to lose this opportunity though since tensions are already high since he missed Jamie’s karate promotion. Howard goes on the hunt for the Turbo Man toy that Jamie wants, but he will have to contend with Myron. Myron is a cynical delivery man who wants to get the toy for his son at all costs and he’s not above using cheap tactics to get it. Criminal organizations and mean spirited police officers also stand in Howard’s way, but he has the determination to keep on going. He is on the clock though since his corrupt neighbor Ted is trying to pull the moves on his wife while he’s gone. Run fast Howard!

From the start of the movie you can tell that it’s going to be a fun adventure. The clip from the Turbo Man show was pretty fun and a nice homage to the Power Rangers. Howard may have forgotten about Jamie’s event, but at least he was working while the rest of his staff was having fun at the party. Howard’s a hard working guy…things just don’t always work out very well for him. He does make it up to Jamie pretty quickly. His next mistake was maybe a little worse as he had weeks to get the toy, but forgot until the very last night. I can definitely see why it would be hard to find a toy by then, just look at the Nintendo Wii from a few years back. It was incredibly difficult to get that toy and it seemed like every store was out of stock. I pulled through of course.

The main part of the film that makes for good entertainment are the battles between Howard and Myron. First off, I have to acknowledge that Myron is the best character in the film. I’ve always had a knack for attracting people like him in real life so I’m pretty familiar with the type. He could talk about anything for days and it’ll always be complaints. One of these characters once called me a casual as a result and I just let it pass through me. I’m only a casual when it comes to my Godzilla knowledge and even then I’m mainly just a casual to get people to let down their guards. Myron is a charismatic character from the start with his speech about how toys are made to be cheap on purpose nowadays and how it’s all a conspiracy. I’m always eager to hear about conspiracies and this guy was full of them. Things escalated quite a lot from there as Myron and Howard would bodyslam each other and get into a lot of chaos.

Howard typically took the high road or at least the less painful one. Myron slammed him into CDs, blasted him with pepper spray, threatened Howard with a gun, threatened Howard’s son, etc. Howard hit him with a toy car, got a mob to tackle Myron, and slammed a door in his hand. You can easily tell who the more unhinged one is here. Myron is always ready for a truce when he’s losing though and Howard was all too ready to except the quick shot of Miller Time. It wasn’t enough to quench his thirst though.

While not quite as great as Myron, Howard’s still a good main character as well. Once he infiltrates the villain organization, he definitely gets into the fight. He’s also a quick thinker and manages to get out in one piece. His only failing is taking a shot at the reindeer. That was pretty uncalled for and he should have just run for the hills. I didn’t really mind him deciding to get even with Ted. Breaking into the house would help teach Ted a lesson before knocking him out with the toy. It doesn’t really help that Liz refused to listen to him at all during the scene though. Howard sure does drink a lot though. He went through quite a few bottles before coming back to his senses. He may not be perfect, but he can certainly hold his own film.

Ted is the worst character in the film and that’s probably intentional. He is always flirting with Liz even though she’s married. Liz probably should have gotten Howard to step in a little sooner, but at least she ultimately gave him a stern rejection. There’s not really anything good to say about Ted and his polite facade never gets all that convincing. I wasn’t a big fan of Liz either though. It felt like she was upset for about 90% of the film. If anything, Howard seemed to have a better Christmas than her even though he was the one who kept getting attacked by just about everyone. Jamie was a little worse though. I always feel like the little kids are pretty unreasonable and he is no exception. While he can’t really guess how much effort Howard is putting into the search, he isn’t making things any easier by going on tantrums. He just needs to accept the fact that Howard can’t usually keep his promises and it’ll help him learn to expect the unexpected.

There was a Cop who got a fairly large role in the film. He came across as a jerk the whole time though so it’s hard to sympathize with him when a bomb blows up in his face and his motorcycle is destroyed by Howard. The guy was basically asking for it, but I guess you can’t say that he’s not determined. The guy certainly went all out. There aren’t really any other big characters as the cast is relatively small. The rest of the people who show up are typically just people trying to make life hard for Howard. The little kid, the store owners, they all believe that this is some kind of fun joke.

Jingle All The Way has a nice soundtrack, which helps the film out overall. You’ll get to hear a nice array of classic Christmas themes as the film goes along. It’s definitely good to have and I’m always on board for that. While there are no real fight scenes to test the effects, the climax of the film plays out a bit like a real Turbo Man clip with Howard getting to take down Myron once and for all. That was a fun way to end the film and you’ll just feel bad for the actor who got knocked out by Myron. The poor guy never even saw it coming.

Overall, It’s easy to see why Jingle All The Way is such a solid film. It has rapid pacing and the writing is on point. It doesn’t take itself too seriously and embraces the battles between the two leads the whole time. The only weak part of the film is the Ted plot as it seriously did not need to be here. Liz also handled the whole thing as badly as you can imagine. She shouldn’t have let him even help set up the lights, much less be in a position to put up the Star while Howard was watching. It added the extra drama, but I don’t think the film would have changed much if he wasn’t around. Well, I definitely recommend this film. You may have missed out on the chance to see it for Christmas, but it’s a fun enough film to watch anytime. Also, it is snowing today so now might be a good chance to check it out right?

Overall 7/10

Nerve Review

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It’s time to look at a film where the entire premise only works if you’re one of the corrupted members of today’s youth. It’s a classic game of chicken where the main characters want to be the victors. The film’s definitely not good at all, but I have to admit that it is fairly realistic. Maybe not in how the idea is implemented, but I can totally picture a lot of people playing this game if it ever came out. It’s something that people just wouldn’t be able to resist.

The film follows a girl named Vee. She is usually pretty mild mannered and timid. While her friends go out drinking and doing a lot of wild things, Vee likes to keep it real and just be a nice person. How long does that last? Not long at all. See, there’s this new game called Nerve. Essentially, you give this very shady app access to your phone and GPS location along with the ability for them to access your bank account and do all kinds of things in your name. The up side is that you can win a lot of dollars. There are two modes to Nerve, Watch and Play. Watch means that you’ll be paying them a large monthly fee, but you’ll get to take a look at people’s private lives when they stream themselves doing the dares. They are the players. So, how does playing the game work? It’s all about how much nerve you have.

Nerve will tell you to do something and there will be a reward for it. One might say to go drink a bottle of beer for 10 dollars. Another might say to vandalize a Police Car for 500. The amounts continue to get higher, but the risks increase as well and the person who does the best can become a millionaire. All of the teenagers are into it and the ones who don’t have enough nerve to play content themselves with watching instead. After Vee is embarrassed in front of the local sports hero, she decides to join the game. She wants to be one of the cool kids and if that means embarrassing herself in front of millions of people, breaking the law, and sacrificing her morals…that’s a small price to pay for getting her 5 minutes of fame and fake friends. Vee quickly starts to rise to the top of the charts, but a shady fellow shows up to start teaming up with her and this game may have higher stakes than Vee ever thought possible.

So…where to begin. The Nerve game isn’t properly explained as you’re not totally sure who is doing the dares. For example, in one scene, Vee’s friends are able to create a dare for her on the spot. Can anyone just create a dare? That would be bad for the company since they would lose a lot of money on easy dares. It seems like a lot of ordinary citizens actually work for Nerve, but how did they get in on the loop? How did nobody find out about this and are we really supposed to believe that none of the adults know what’s happening? The ending was a clever way to end the game for good since it’ll never get quite as popular again, but you will have quite a few questions as the film goes on. This isn’t one of those films where the writing is so sharp that all of your questions will be answered.

Next, the film only works because all of the characters are so unlikable. If Vee was even a semi decent main character, she never would have gotten involved with this in the first place. Accepting a dare to kiss a random stranger is already a super suspect challenge and that was one of the first ones that Vee did. Breaking the speed limit and driving blind were also ones where you have to shake your head. Not only did Vee only complete that last challenge through plot hax, but you’d just hope that someone with common sense wouldn’t accept the task.

Again, there’s also the security aspect of it all. If someone can just throw money into your bank account, aren’t you going to be a little worried about them just taking it back later? The film’s a good public service announcement to all users about why you shouldn’t download strange apps and then attach your bank account to it. It was cool to visually see how it took all of her info though. Search Engines and Social Networks do it all the time and that’s basically how I picture it.

Lets take a break from the bashing to look at Nerve’s main theme. These films typically don’t have much of a soundtrack so it was cool to see this film have such a solid tune. Even the tagline “Snitches get stitches” was fairly catchy. The scenery was also good since the heroes were usually at or around big cities and those always look good at night. My recommendation to all films is to take place in NYC, it makes the whole thing cooler.

Back to bashing. Vee’s plan may have been clever, but it made no sense anyway. I don’t see how she could have made her plan and then told the necessary parties about it in time. Throw in the fact that she also had to get past the observers and everything and this plan was simply too unreal. It was also very convenient for Vee’s best friend Tommy to be a super hacker who knew a big group of hackers who helped to save the day. The one thing that could stop the game was a hacker after all.

Tommy was all right, but you can’t help but feel like he’s losing out here. He could be at home having fun, but instead he’s just following Vee around everywhere. She even ditches him at one point so he has to download the game before tracking her down. He’s the nice guy, but it also means that everyone walks all over him. Sydney is Vee’s other friend and she definitely doesn’t seem to have the main character’s best interests at heart. She just wants to be the most popular streamer and tries to sabotage Vee’s efforts when possible. Putting her friend on the spot while she was just trying to relax at the local pizza joint was definitely not a move that you’d expect your “friend” to make. I couldn’t sympathize with Sydney and the toxic relationship that she had with Vee was pretty bad both ways. Vee also made sure to slam Sydney live in front of millions. The film tries to act as if she didn’t realize it, but she’s playing the game…everything is on stream.

Ian is the main guy in the film and he’s certainly not going to do the film any wonders either. He wants to win at all costs and that means that he needs to encourage Vee to put her life on the line and go down the dark path. He acts as the main bad influence on Vee and he has great success with corrupting her. She doesn’t really put up any resistance since she always wanted to surpass Sydney in something and this was her chance. Ian gets a sob story to try and win you over, but I wasn’t really buying it. The guy was just annoying and unlikable the whole time.

Nerve’s just one of those films that’s not really well made. The film even resorts to using fanservice as one dare involves the main characters running around in a fancy clothing store in their underwear. It makes you wonder how far people will go for money and I like to think that the security in the store should have been able to stop them. At a place this fancy, they must have guards right? Don’t expect the cops to help all that much otherwise though since they don’t dare mess with the game. While my initial hunch about one of the cops being an undercover agent never panned out, they may as well be. They don’t believe that the game exists so they don’t feel obligated to do anything about it.

Overall, This film had a lot of potential since the idea is interesting, but it just couldn’t pull it off. Its underlying message about how people will be a lot bolder and do things that they usually wouldn’t once they have the cover of anonymity is a topic that Sword Art Online tackled more effectively. Since the characters were all pretty unlikable anyway, it’s not as if the game made them that much worse. You’ll be left with a lot of questions about the game as well and the plot convenience is certainly a bit much. If you want a similar kind of conspiracy group shaping things in the background, you should read the Liar Game manga. I can’t really think of a film that’s similar to this one, so just watch the second Tron film. It has cool music like the Nerve theme throughout the film so that’s definitely one that you should check out.

Overall 3/10