Jack Sparrow vs Tinky Winky


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Jack Sparrow has been losing a lot of matches lately, but it’s time for him to make a comeback. Everyone likes Tinky Winky of course, but popularity won’t be able to affect a battle. Jack’s got his gun and he’s also got his sword so that should be enough to net him a win here. Jack Sparrow wins.

Takamiya vs Superman


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Takamiya makes his debut onto the blog so it’s time for Superman to take another loss. He’s a pretty tough fighter, but he really lacks the power and speed that Takamiya has at his disposal. Takamiya is a true fighter and even Oga had a tough time trying to keep up with him. Superman is known for his battle smarts as well, but they won’t be enough to stop Takamiya. This is only the beginning for him! Takamiya wins.

The Invisible Man Review

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The 30s aren’t particularly known for their immense selection of incredible films, but they still did churn out some pretty big titles. The Invisible Man is certainly one of them and almost everyone has heard of this figure. He was a character who could scare just about anyone back in the day. Considering that it is nearly a century old at this point, The Invisible Man presents us with a pretty interesting film that is fun to watch. I gotta say that this is definitely my kind of Horror Film! (It can give some of the Godzilla films a run for their money.)

The story revolves around a scientist whose experiment goes wrong and he turns invisible. No..that’s a little misleading. His experiment didn’t turn out as he had pictured, but he was interested in basically turning invisible so it was essentially a success. The big twist is that the chemicals also warp the user’s mind so he starts to get more and more sinister until the Invisible Man basically becomes a mass murderer with visions of world domination. The local authorities have to stop him..but how can you stop someone who is invisible? (And has super strength/speed as well…) The ultimate battle of good vs evil is about to begin!

The film is only about 70 minutes so things have to move at a fairly brisk pace. The film never moves too fast, but it goes quickly enough so that many things can happen. The film starts out pretty suspenseful and then it turns into more of an action by the end. There are some scenes that will definitely stretch your limit for disbelief, but this film is pretty old so it could be a generation gap. These moments will definitely be addressed in a moment.

The Invisible Man is the main villain of the title and it’s hard to tell if he was always evil or if the side effects of the potion really threw him over the deep end. Either way, it’s not a positive for the Invisible Man if you think of him as a hero. Luckily, I just think of him as a villain and he’s not bad in that respect. You can’t really root for him since his goals just seem to come out of nowhere, but what villain doesn’t want to become rich and rule the world? We can only see the Invisible Man when he has clothes on, but the serum definitely seemed to make him a lot stronger. He mentioned how it has opened his mind so it may go back to the theory that we only use about 20% of our mind and using more of it would give us super abilities. At least it’s sort of scientific depending on how you look at it. He can choke a man with ease and survive frigid temperatures while naked. He’s also a fairly quick runner and he can be in 10 places at once. (Not literally of course) He makes for a very powerful villain and one that realistically cannot be defeated…which makes the ending a little dicey.

The Chief Detective was definitely my favorite character in the film. He came up with a lot of plans to stop the Invisible Man and nothing fazed him. This was the kind of guy that you just didn’t want to mess with and I actually liked some of his strategies. The net may have been a little primitive, but he didn’t have the tech that we currently possess. He made do with what he had and it would be tough to do a whole lot more. I won’t be forgetting the detective!

Arthur Kemp doesn’t look very good at all since he’s basically a hostage for a good portion of the film. He is too scared of the Invisible Man to launch any counter offensives and the most resistance that he could commit was to call the Police. He made the right call, but he should have either stayed locked up in the room or ran outside to meet the police. The Invisible Man does have some basic super strength and speed, but I don’t think it’s by a large gap. Arthur could still run for a while and he wouldn’t go down without a fight. Even once Arthur is in the car. He just starts begging for mercy right from the get go instead of trying to fight the Invisible Man. If you’re going to die, you may as well fight back right? Just go for the gold at that point.

Most of the fighters don’t do very well against the Invisible Man and that can be a little embarrassing for them. They outnumbered him at least 50-1 at one point and he just scared them into submission. Their best chance was during the first showdown where they were face to face with him, but the crowds ran away when the Invisible Man took off his bandages around his head. They should have pounced right then and there, but the shock defeated them. After that, I don’t think that they really could have defeated him.

Being invisible is just too great of a power. There are millions of places to hide and you could also just reduce the town’s population one by one. It’s impossible to protect everyone and the Invisible Man is already fairly smart. He may have gotten careless at the end, but even then he should have been able to escape. Instead, he decides to play the final Mario 64 level with the Policemen taking the role of Bowser. This proved to be a fatal mistake and you have to wonder what he was thinking.

It’s also a little hard to sympathize with the Invisible Man at the beginning of the film. I did for a few minutes when everyone was scared of him for no good reason. Sure, he was bundled up, but it was freezing out there. The sympathy was lost when he began to yell at the shop owners the whole time. He could have easily finished his experiments if he had been more polite and less direct about everything. Because of that, the Invisible Man lost his chance.

We had a few other characters like the main heroine and her father, but they don’t really contribute to the plot. They are there to provide us with a little context and some backstory for the Invisible Man, but that’s about it. I do have to say that the first Policeman’s portrayal was pretty great though. At first, he doesn’t really care much about the Invisible Man’s situation. (Before they knew he was invisible) However, you can see him growing more and more confident as he walks into the room and the Invisible Man continues to hurl threats. The Policeman doesn’t back down until the Invisible Man starts to become invisible with his iconic laugh. I’ll admit that his appearance isn’t very flattering at that point, but the beginning is really what counts.

There isn’t really a soundtrack to be found here since the film is so old. I will admit that the film’s age does show when it comes to the audio. It can be very hard to hear what some of the characters are saying because their voices are just too screechy. This is especially the case for one of the owners, but it’s more intentional on her part. She’s a pretty exaggerated character, but a pretty likable one nonetheless. I felt bad for her and her husband since they were just trying to run a respectable shop. The audio was a little dicey, but it’s pretty unavoidable and it’s not the kind of thing that will really take points away.

Overall, The Invisible Man is a pretty fun film. The writing is pretty strong as you would expect and the characters are pretty interesting. I think that the Police really should have been out of their league here, but I’ll accept the plot hax since the hero has to win somehow. The towns people were way too afraid of the Invisible Man though and they shouldn’t have been. He’s still just one man and they can definitely take him if they all just charge. It was hard to take them seriously during those moments, but they pulled it together by the end. The town was pretty cool and it’s the kind of place that you definitely wouldn’t have minded living in back during the 30’s. I definitely recommend this film to horror films and it may not be a thrill a minute, but it’s a very good film. It will keep you interested from start to finish. You’ll never forget The Invisible Man’s maniacal laugh afterwards!

Overall 7/10

Ernest & Celestine Review

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It’s time for an animated film that went under the radar. It does have a pretty big actress in the form of Lauren Bacall, but it’s not a film that I had heard of prior to now. It goes for a retro feel and the film is pretty fun. The cover technically explains most of the plot, but don’t get the wrong idea. This is a feel good film, not a heist blockbuster!

The plot involves a bear and a mouse. They live in different worlds (figuratively speaking) and their two species cannot coexist in harmony. The mice live underground and the bears live above it. Humans have been appropriately exterminated (Probably by Aliens) and Bears essentially rule the Earth. Celestine wants to be a great artist, but all mice have to become dentists. It’s just the way that things have to be. They tell her not to return to the underground world until she collects 50 teeth. Meanwhile, Ernest is pretty poor and he gets his musical instruments stolen after trying to earn money in town square. He’s at the end of his ripe and that’s when the two characters meet up. Ernest will help Celestine get the teeth and she’ll help him get some food. Of course, in the wise words of the shop owner of the Zelda CD-I games…”This is illegal you know”. Both of them are now being hunted by both civilizations….and this could get ugly.

The film suffers from a pretty slow start. Particularly Ernest’s subplot as we see him scrambling for money. It’s just about impossible to sympathize with him because he wants to eat the birds and he refuses to share his food with them. That’s not the hero that I was really expecting at that point and I was waiting for him to go back to sleep so that we could go to Celestine’s plot. Hers wasn’t great either, but I did think that the head honcho of the dentist committee knew his stuff. This guy wasn’t playing around and he really knew how to use the teeth to save someone’s speaking career. We have the class bully, the “nice” guy who is too afraid to leave the bully and we even have a sleeping room that is ripped off borrowed from Madeline.

That’s all well and good, but I can’t say that I was really invested into the film until the main characters met up. Then, it was time to escape the authorities and fight back. Celestine’s a lot more aggressive than Ernest when she speaks so she usually clobbers him verbally so that she can get her way. Ernest tries to stick up for himself a few times, but he’s simply no match for her. Everyone knows that Ernest is a nice guy at heart.

I’ve already talked a lot about Ernest and you can tell that he’s not really my kind of character. He gets a lot better by the end of course, but he messes up during his “hardcore” scenes and he should have put up more of a fight against the mice. He seems to be a bit of a pacifist, but the survival instinct should have kicked in and taken him to the next level. I also like to think that the other bears may have helped him out if Ernest had just asked them, but maybe these guys are meaner than they look.

Celestine’s plight isn’t quite as serious as Ernest, but it’s a lot more dangerous. Collecting teeth isn’t for the faint of heart since the bears will eat/crush you if they spot the mouse. I don’t blame Celestine for wanting to be an artist instead since that seems like a pretty raw deal. She’s a more likable character than Ernest and she also acts a lot tougher. She does have a few moments where she breaks down, but they both have some pretty dicey nightmares so that evens things up a bit.

I do have to say that the animation is downright terrible for a 2012 film. Of course, they likely had a very limited budget and were going for a nostalgic feel, but I’ve seen 60’s/70’s/80’s shows (Gundam, Transformers) that had better animation. I think the film could have tried a little harder to be more interesting visually. This kind of animation would have definitely had some trouble trying to get a fight scene going. I’d actually take CG-I or Flash over this animation and that’s a little dicey. There isn’t much of a soundtrack here so we’ll just skip that section altogether.

The film’s fairly short, but it’s pretty fun as stated above. There’s not a whole lot of depth to it and it may be hard to really like any of the characters, but none of them are downright awful. We have some cringe worthy figures like the kid who lost his tooth and Ernest, but the others are pretty good. It’s hard not to grin at the Candy and Dentist combo since that racket can really earn the two bears a lot of money. It’s a smart plan and at least they’re open about how they want to make money out of everyone’s misfortune. This is definitely not the happy little town that you may have been expecting since everyone has a hidden agenda.

Ernest & Celestine is fun for what it is, but it leaves less of an impact than other kid friendly films/shows. The colors aren’t as vibrant or engaging as what you may have seen from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Arthur has the more interesting characters. Carmen Sandiego had the more intense chase scenes and Strawberry Shortcake never forgets the morals. So, it’s not that Ernest & Celestine really did anything wrong, but it doesn’t really stand out. It’s like the classic Naruto film 1 argument. It’s a solid film, but why watch it when you can watch (almost) any of the other films for a richer experience. I think that’s the case with this film. It’s pretty fun, but we’ve seen most of the messages and character development in other media and they’ve done it more successfully. (Auto points for no sing alongs though)

Overall, Ernest & Celestine is a happy team up film that shows how the powers of friendship can always result in magical occurrences. The cops never stood a chance against these guys. One dicey thing for fans of the throwback genre may be that there isn’t really a big moral at the end. Ernest isn’t really sad about breaking the law and he would probably do it again if he was given the chance. The judge for the bears was pretty intense and nothing can faze him, but it could just be that he’s a little slow on the uptake. I would recommend this to people that are looking for a fun animated film to watch. It’s decent and there aren’t really any big mistakes that the film made. Of course, I would sooner recommend one of the animated features that I mentioned earlier since they do a better job at conquering this genre.

Overall 5/10

Batman Assault on Arkham Review

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Batman gets another film to add to his impressive roster with this installment. It’s always good to see the Dark Knight in action and his scenes are easily the best part of the film. Of course, that ends up putting the film in a tough spot since it is really about the villains so Batman’s role is smaller than usual. This is a decision that ends up backfiring!

Amanda Waller knocks out a group of dangerous criminals and forces them to form the Suicide Squad. Refusal to comply with her orders will result in their immediate termination by a bomb that has been implanted inside of them. Their task is to retrieve the Riddler’s staff so now they have to break into Arkham Asylum. The members include King Shark, Harley Quinn, Deadshot, Captain Boomerang, Black Spider and Killer Frost. Of course, the mission won’t go very smoothly since Batman is always ready to defend his city and the Asylum does have some dangerous criminals like the Joker inside of it. Will these villains really follow their orders or will they go rogue?

Well, the film mostly plays out how you would expect based off of the plot and you may remember the Task Force from the Justice League show. Unfortunately, these guys definitely cannot hold their own film and you’ll find yourself waiting for Batman to show up. The episode in the Justice League show worked in its own way, although it’s one of the most inaccurate episodes to date. There are definitely a lot of plot hax to help the villains go along here as well since they aren’t strong enough to survive otherwise. Before going into the character selection, let’s address some of the negatives.

One of them is that the film has quite a lot of fanservice and fake romance that is pretty bad for the film. It happens quite a few times where the villains will strip down to trick the guards or to do a one night stand. These scenes are really unnecessary and they destroy any chance that the film had of being a solid installment to the DC universe. The film was just trying to show how evil the villains were and how they operate so differently from the heroes, but it just makes you dislike the cast more.

Ever since Flashpoint, (You can argue that we started getting there with Superman vs the Elite I suppose) DC has decided to ramp up the violence and to make the stories a little darker to fit the New 52 vibe. Even the stand alone titles like Son of Batman and Assault on Arkham are noticeably affected by this although a case can be made for Arkham that the fans would not expect anything less. Some scenes are fairly realistic like a person’s nose shattering when Batman punches it. Sure, that would likely happen, but do we really need to see it? It’s a small effect, but we get more drastic moments like heads blowing up and many expendables getting taken out. The whole atmosphere is just dark and it’s hard to enjoy the film when it acts like a common slasher. You’d think that you were watching Bleach or Resident Evil with how many people are taken out so quickly. Also, most of the scenes involve noncombatants, which can make it worse. I wouldn’t say that this film is as violent as Dark Knight Returns Part 2 or maybe Flashpoint, but it definitely ranks up there with some of the other recent titles and probably surpasses them.

Batman is naturally the best character here. He takes out random muggers while still being aware of the bigger picture. He arrives onto the scene pretty quickly once he finds out what’s going on and he proceeds to do a number on the villains. He’s outnumbered, but he really executes his moves with precision and skill. I can’t say that I had any problems with Batman’s portrayal here and it was really spot on. His only wavering moments may be when he has some trouble with Harley Quinn, but he still tends to pull a win out fairly quickly so I won’t take away any points there. This is why Batman’s still one of the best comic book characters out there.

Harley Quinn is in her recent version of the character and that happens to be the one that I really don’t like. The New 52 may have handled most of the characters pretty well, but Quinn was not one of them. She acts pretty crazy for most of the film, but it’s likely just an act as she proceeds to mess with anyone who gets in her way. She’s still pretty good with a gun and she now has some hand to hand techniques. Her constant flirting will immediately turn you off from her character though and even her start is way too randomly violent for you to start rooting for her.

Deadshot is essentially the leader of the Suicide Squad. He has a lot of experience and he has connections within Gotham. Everyone respects him as a natural leader and he basically gets what he wants. That being said, he has a kid as we can see from a picture that comes out a few times and he still indulges in a one night stand. That makes it hard to sympathize with him and you quickly lose respect for his character. He may be the leader, but he’s not even the strongest member there. I guess you can say that he’s like an evil Captain Kirk. He’s a natural leader, but he takes on his less desirable qualities as well.

Captain Boomerang doesn’t have much of an impact here compared to the other villains. He’s been through the Suicide Squad gig before and he doesn’t have a lot to lose. Unfortunately, he’s just another villain who is influenced by romance and he’s constantly getting outshined by Deadshot. Again, he doesn’t really have any likable qualities and he’s so weak that he really shouldn’t have survived the adventure. He’s really out of place here.

Black Spider claims to be a hero for the people as he destroys his opponents, but he doesn’t really pull this off. The Punisher still has his moral code that he doesn’t destroy innocents, but Black Spider takes out anyone who’s in his way. I like the name and he’s technically the best member here, but it’s a little hard to take him seriously. He threatens to take out the villains at one point, but then he just backs off for the rest of the film…the rest of the film…the rest of the film. You get the point. He proves that he is easily the best fighter of the group when he engages Batman and he’s someone who could probably hold his own film as the main villain, but we’ve already seen that moral in Superman vs The Elite so let’s not go there.

King Shark is sort of like Killer Shark only he’s DC’s villain. He has some mild super strength and his skin is hard enough to block bullets. It’s a little iffy there though since the bullets do seem to leave marks and bruises. He quickly becomes infatuated with Killer Frost, which ultimately leads to his demise as a character. He’s your average “Strong, but not smart” character and that’s the end of his development. He’s just there to get pummeled by good ole Batman!

Killer Frost is one of the more unlikable villains as she just plays King Shark off with her wiles while also choosing to dispose of cops in a romantic way when it’s completely not necessary. She’s the kind of character that I really don’t like as a villain. She never actually does well when the going gets tough and she’s the strongest villain here, but you really wouldn’t know it from watching the film. She puts her abilities to waste and you’d think that she could just freeze the bomb inside of her like any decent ice themed villain….

The Joker is back because you can’t really have a Batman film without him. It’s not one of his better designs, but we can deal with it. He’s shown to be a better hand to hand fighter than usual, but he is dealing with Deadshot. He actually forces Batman to retreat at one point due to some circumstances and his role gets to be decently large by the end. I’m still not a fan here though and he doesn’t look as intelligent as usual. He falls for the no bullets trick when he should have just fired and he definitely should have been destroyed by the guard that he met, but he has plot shielding with him.

We get a pair of guest stars in the forms of Poison Ivy and Bane, but they will likely not be pleasing appearances for their fans. Bane is purely mindless here as he just runs and destroys things. (Gone are the days when he was a master strategist, but he has been in Arkham for a while) Poison Ivy just seduces everyone that she can and she’s randomly taken down by some cops. At least Gotham PD (Or their special crimes unit anyway) can win once in a while.

The animation is pretty solid as we’ve come to expect for DC. The only moment that didn’t look very smooth was the opening where Batman arrives and then stands as still as a statue. His character model just felt a little odd there, but everything clicked into place as soon as the fights began. Batman has certainly gone through a lot of design changes over the years and this one is more similar to the late 80s or early 90s where he was very tall. It’s a good look and it helps during his fights against the villain powerhouses.

The soundtrack is pretty interesting and it’s a step up from what you can usually expect in these titles. There is a lot of electronic music to be found and I’m all for including more of that in the future films. It helps to make the fight scenes more exciting and a good soundtrack can really take you a long way.

In the end, this film just wasn’t one of DC’s better ones and I would actually say that it was a pretty weak title. The amount of fanservice in it was just way too excessive and they try to match that in violence as well. The whole montage for the villains at the beginning is basically just a time for you to wonder how the victim will die or be injured this time. Essentially, it’s a Batman story without Batman playing the center role and it doesn’t work. People end up buying Batman films and toys so much because they want to see Batman. Naturally, that’s why his name is on the title, but it’s only going to hurt future sales when fans realize that his role is so small.

Keep in mind though that the villains take the center stage isn’t a genre that I’m crazy about. It can be pulled off like in Ocean’s Eleven, but more often than not it will just end up like the Catwoman film. It’s why I’m not thrilled about getting a Suicide Squad or Sinister Six live action film. I did like TASM2 so in theory if can work if it’s still in that universe, but that may not even be the case anymore. (Also, if it was more like TASM1 in tone then it gets dicey again) Seeing the villains beat people who are even more evil is just not that appealing to me since they’re all just criminals in the end and that’s what this film is really about. (Although there are no worse criminals here except for the Joker)

The cherry on top depending on how you view the last scene is Batman’s threat to Waller. This scene can be pretty controversial depending on how you interpret Batman’s threat. Is he pulling another Batman Begins on us? I certainly hope not and I’m really trying to believe that he was just uttering an empty threat, but it’s just not very Batman like. So, I really think that it’s the former and that’s pretty unnecessary. Just don’t have Batman appear in the ending and then it’s fine, but throwing Batman in there brings up these questions. At least the Flash writer for DC comics can have some more fun with that since he’s already taken a shot at Batman Begins’ controversial decision in the comics…

Overall, I’d advise to skip Batman Assault on Arkham. If you’re a big fan of the games then you may still want to pick it up, but you’d be better off sticking with Batman Sub Zero or Mask of the Phantasm if you want a stand alone Batman film. This one just doesn’t feature the Dark Knight in it a whole lot and none of the Suicide Squad members are really that likable. There are also a lot of convenient plot moments here due to the circumstances and an easy two to pick out are the scenes where the Police Man didn’t shoot the Joker because he was busy looking at the grenade and the guy who was distracted by Harley Quinn instead of quickly taking down the group of villains. There are many more and it’s just a something that you can’t really avoid in this kind of film, but it can still be annoying since you’ll probably be rooting for the cops. (The non corrupt ones anyway) I have much higher hopes for the next Justice League film though and it should crush this one. Check out the trailer and you’ll be ready for the next adventure. At the very least, this one did inflate Batman’s dvd count and now I’ll be waiting for his next one.

Overall 4/10

Punisher vs Blob


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The Blob is pretty tough in his own right and it’s very tough to move him when he doesn’t want to be moved. That being said, The Punisher has attained the symbiote in the past and he was able to easily take down Spiderman. I know that we all don’t agree with the outcome, but it shows that his abilities are not to be trifled with. He’s a lot faster than the Blob and his hit and run strategy should really do the trick here. Punisher wins.

Cia vs Scorpion King


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I’m sure that we all remember the Scorpion King right? He was a pretty impressive fighter who really came out of nowhere in the Mummy films. I was pretty glad to see that we had another villain around, but it’s too bad that the Mummy couldn’t fight him. Either way, The Scorpion King won’t be able to defeat Cia. Her magical abilities could easily crush him and she’s a great close combat fighter as well. Cia wins.

Terminator vs Grasshopper


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The Grasshopper is back and he’s up against another foe who has made a return onto the blog. These guys have both dealt with the sadness of defeat while getting the chance to rise above the ranks with a decisive victory here. The Terminator has the advantage in firepower and it would appear that it is one that really shapes the outcome of this fight. Grasshoppers can’t really do much against this level of ability. Terminator wins.

Captain Kirk vs Voltorb


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Voltorb is a pretty cool Pokemon so it must have been rough for his fans to see him in the 0-3 section. Well, he’s finally moving up today since he’s up against Captain Kirk! Captain Kirk has his experience and hand to hand toughness on his side, but a quick explosion should take him down for the count. A simple Thundershock will also have the same effect and Voltorb actually has the speed advantage despite how he may appear. Voltorb wins.

Gorilla Grodd vs Po


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Gorilla Grodd is finally facing off against the final Teletubby! We have to give Gorilla Grodd credit here since not many fighters could have defeated all of the Teletubbies so easily. Gorilla Grodd’s brute strength and his telepathic abilities have certainly given him the edge in this brawl. Gorilla Grodd wins.